The Donna Reed Show (1958–1966): Season 1, Episode 34 - Miss Lovelace Comes to Tea - full transcript

Hey, Mom!

Look, I found Herman.
He was under the garage.

What's burning?

I am.

Will you put that livestock
away and answer a question?

What did I say when
I left this morning?

You said, "Mary, Jeff, I've
been asked to take charge

of the Hilldale
charity campaign.

Now, I don't
have to tell you..."

Never mind that.

What did I ask you
and Mary to do?



As I recall,

you asked me to straighten up
the house while you were gone.

And you asked Mary to start...

Uh-oh.

Mary goofed.

And you didn't, I suppose.

Do you call that
room straightened up?

Why, it looks like it got
in the way of a direct hit!

Oh, Jeff.

Gee, Mom, I'm awful sorry.

I started to straighten up.

But then the fellas came over

and asked me to
fill in at third base.

And it was a very
important game.



Gee, whiz, I couldn't
say no, could I?

No, Jeff, I guess you couldn't.

Mother, I'm sorry.

Lorna McNish called me up
and asked me if I could come over

and help her with her
quadratic equations.

I know. Naturally,
you couldn't say no.

Mrs. Stone, in recognition
of your appointment

as head of Hilldale's
charity drive,

I take great pleasure
in presenting you...

What's burning?

Hungarian goulash.

Alex, I'm just going to
call up the committee

and tell them to find themselves
a new campaign director.

Now, wait a minute, darling.

What was that slogan you
dreamed up for the campaign?

"Have a heart, Hilldale."

That's very good. It
has a nice ring to it.

Now, if you practice
what you preach,

you won't turn down this job.

But, Alex, it's a full-time job.

What am I expected to do,

abandon my home and my
family for the next few weeks?

No, of course not,

but there ought to be
something we could work out.

Maybe Mary and Jeff could...

No.

Possibly I...

Why didn't I think
of this before?

Think of what?

Hello, Daily Sentinel?

Would you give me your
help-wanted department, please?

Lots of luck, dear.

Excellent references,
Mrs. Arbogast.

When can you start?

Last place I worked, they
had an electric dishwasher.

Well, you won't be washing
many dishes, Mrs. Arbogast.

We're all light eaters here.

You may as well know I
don't go in for fancy cooking.

Plain dishes is my style.

Wonderful.

Would tomorrow be convenient?

Herman?

There will be no washing,
of course, or ironing.

Oh, of course not. We
send the washing out.

Now, if you could start
next week, Mrs. Arbogast...

What about the children?

I'm afraid we can't send the
children out, Mrs. Arbogast,

but I assure you,
they're responsible,

well-behaved young...

Have you lost something, Jeff?

Yes, it's my mouse.
Has anybody seen him?

- Mouse?!
- Mrs. Arbogast!

It's just a harmless little pet!

Mrs. Arbogast!

You know, for a big
lady, she sure can move.

Yeah. Nice, free leg action.

Never mind that now.

Daddy, what was
all that noise about?

We just lost another
housekeeper.

Kids, come on in. I
want to talk to you.

Now, do you kids know what
this fund-raising campaign is for?

Sure, it's for getting
dough out of people.

Do you have to be so
crude, Jeff? Donations.

No, it's more than
donations, honey.

Well, it's a way of lending a
hand to people who need help.

It's for homeless
children, old people.

They need hospital beds.

Well, it's all that and more.

And your mother has undertaken
the job of running the campaign

on the assumption that we're
going to find a housekeeper

to run the house.

We haven't had much
luck so far, Daddy.

The first one said
that with her feet,

she couldn't be
climbing any stairs.

The second one just
happened to hate children.

The third...

Never mind the
vital statistics, Jeff.

The point is we've got
to do a real selling job

when the next one comes
to our door, you understand?

We've got to look bright,
attractive, trouble-free,

Herman-free, well-mannered.

In short, we've got to look
like the kind of a family that...

I'll answer it.

And don't forget
what I told you.

Hello, dear.

Hello.

Is something wrong?
You look disappointed.

Nonsense, Mrs. Stone.

Always happy to see you.

Just that we were
expecting a housekeeper.

You haven't engaged one yet?

We could've gotten one like that

if it weren't for the fact that
our standards are so high.

After all, the old housekeeper
we had was a crackerjack.

What do you want to bet that's
another woman for the job?

Well, if you want the old one
back, just say the word, dear.

Nonsense, darling.

It's just a matter
of time, patience.

Mother and Daddy, it's another
lady about the housekeeping job.

There. See? What'd I tell you.

Come on, darling.

Oh, what's your name?

Mary.

Hello.

- How do you do?
- Hello.

I'm Mrs. Lovelace.

I'm Mrs. Stone, and this
is my husband, Dr. Stone.

How do you do, Mrs. Lovelace?

And these are our children.

Yes, your children
and I have met already.

Well, good. Won't you
come in and sit down?

Thank you.

You're English, aren't
you, Mrs. Lovelace?

Yes, but my husband
was an American,

so in a way, I'm
an American, too.

After he passed away...

Oh, dear, I do go on.

About the situation
you advertised,

it isn't filled, I hope?

Oh, heck, no!

Well, I think I should mention
that there are eight rooms.

This isn't a small house.

It's not a big house,
as houses go.

I think it's a lovely house.

I'm sure it's a happy house.

Well, sometimes,
it's a noisy house.

You know how it is
with children around.

I've often felt a house
is rather a sad place

without the noise of children.

How does the poet sing it?

"The merry, merry music
of children's laughter."

The poet who sang that could
easily have been a bachelor.

I'm afraid not, Doctor.

Wasn't it Browning?

And, of course, Browning married

that lovely, young
Elizabeth Barrett.

What is it, Doctor?

Please don't be
alarmed, Mrs. Lovelace.

Alarmed at what?

That's a little fellow.

Oh, you found
Herman! Gee, thanks!

I've been worried about
him. Come on, boy.

Yes, well, about
references, Mrs. Lovelace.

That's probably for me.
I'll take it in the other room.

Excuse me.

Mrs. Stone is deeply involved

in a charity fund-raising
campaign, Mrs. Lovelace.

That's why we were
looking for a housekeeper.

I'm afraid your search
isn't over, Doctor.

- I don't have references.
- You've forgotten them?

Well, don't give
it another thought.

I didn't forget them.

- I don't have any.
- Well, who needs references?

Follow your
instincts, I always say.

Anybody who can get along
with children and white mice

is bound to be a
good housekeeper.

Mrs. Lovelace, you're hired.

That's great, isn't it, Herman?

It sure is!

Mrs. Carroway, why
don't you take up your post

in the main lobby of the
Guaranty Trust building?

And, Mrs. Mayhew, I suggest
you go to the bus depot.

Mrs. Vogelsang and Mrs. McNish,

split up the main
entrances of the post office.

Now, that completes
your assignments for today.

Good luck, ladies!

And don't forget
our slogan, girls.

"Have a heart, Hilldale."

Hello, Mrs. Trilling.

How do you do?

Isn't Donna doing a
rousing job, Mrs. Trilling?

Rousing, indeed.

But I still feel the
methods you're employing

are, well, rather cheap.

But, Mrs. Trilling,

it's all being done for
the sweet sake of charity.

Have a heart, Hilldale.

Precisely why I
agreed to lend my name

as sponsor to the campaign.

But it does seem to me

we could have a little
more dignity and restraint.

Mrs. Trilling, I appreciate
any suggestions you may have.

But may I point out

that last year our campaign
was dignified and restrained

and we didn't even come
close to getting our quota.

That hardly justifies your
resort to carnival tactics.

Mrs. Stone, you're the director.

But I'm not sure I care

to have my name
connected with this campaign.

Good day.

Now we can concentrate
on the campaign

instead of appeasing
dear Mrs. Trilling.

Florence, Mrs. Trilling has
done a lot of valuable work.

I think I'd better get
her back into the fold.

But how are you
going to manage it?

Well, I'm not sure.

I'll call her on the phone and
soothe her ruffled feathers.

Or I'll even invite her
to tea if necessary.

Hello?

Have a heart, Hilldale.
Mrs. Stone speaking.

Hi, Mrs. Lovelace.

Having trouble?

It's a terribly complicated
machine, isn't it, Jeff?

I've spent the last two
hours trying to put it together.

This? There's nothing to it.
Here. Let me show you how.

You take this end right
here, push this down.

Goes right in there.

Now you need the
straight piece here.

No. Yeah, this is it.

And put this one in
right there like that.

You have to always
push this down.

Isn't that clever?

Curved piece.

And this goes right
in there like that.

Now, who could've known that?

And this right here goes
right on here like this.

How wonderful.

Now you take the cord.

And that goes right in here.

And then... Now,
this turns it on.

And this turns it off.

Amazing.

You're wonderfully
gifted mechanically, Jeff.

It's just a knack, I guess.

Shall I tell you a secret, Jeff?

This is the first time I've ever
contended with a vacuum cleaner.

Oh, look!

I must tend to the dinner.

But, Mrs. Lovelace,
what about the...

Oh, hi, Mrs. Lovelace.

It smells good. What is it?

Irish stew, dear.

An old recipe that's been
in our family for years.

Oh, Mary!

I must attend to the beds.

Would you stir this?

Sure, Mrs. Lovelace.

Thank you, dear.

- Hello, honey.
- Hi, Daddy.

What's cooking?

Irish stew. It's an old recipe.

It's been in Mrs.
Lovelace's family for years.

Come on, Mary.
It can't be that bad.

Hey, Dad?

Yeah, Jeff?

You want to know something?

Yeah.

Mrs. Lovelace doesn't know
the first thing about vacuuming.

Wait till you try
her cooking, Jeff.

Gee, Dad,

you know, Mrs. Lovelace
is a very nice lady.

But she doesn't know
much about cleaning.

She can't even cook.

Who needs her?

We do.

Remember? Have
a heart, Hilldale.

I'm sorry, Daddy.

I can help Mrs.
Lovelace with the cooking.

Put me down for the vacuuming.

That's what I wanted to hear.

Now, just remember, as far
as your mother is concerned,

we have the best
housekeeper in Hilldale.

That's fine, Daddy, but
what about this Irish stew?

What about it? I
think it's delicious.

Mrs. Lovelace, let
me help you with that.

No, Doctor.

No, really. I
wouldn't think of it.

Really. No, Doctor.
That's really my job!

Mrs. Lovelace, my
wife is doing a job, too.

And she'll continue
doing that job only as long

as she's assured this
house is being run efficiently.

I hope you'll allow us all
to help you reach that goal.

Oh, yes, but I shall feel
like am imposter, Doctor.

Mrs. Lovelace, just look
on it as a team effort.

Jeff will help with
the housekeeping.

Mary will help with the cooking.

I've noticed I'm getting
a little flabby lately.

Thank you, Mrs. Lovelace.

Your first day here, and
you've managed everything

as if you've been
doing it for years.

It was nothing, really.

How about the living room, Mom?

Spotless.

And those beds,
they're just perfect.

Wait till you taste

Mrs. Lovelace's
Irish stew, Mother.

It's an old recipe.

It's been in the
family for years.

Really?

My, I can hardly wait.

It's scrumptious.

Oh, boy. Can I have seconds?

Wait till you clear
your plate, Son.

Isn't this something?

It's delicious, Mrs. Lovelace.

Jeff, I'll take care of
the vacuuming, dear.

What?

I appreciate your help.

But I've been
thinking, it's my job.

I can't hear you, Mrs. Lovelace!

What are you doing, dear?

Fixing a pot roast.

I've always wanted
to make a stab at it.

That's very sweet of you, dear.

But, really, that's my job.

Please, Mrs. Lovelace.

How can I learn to
cook if i don't practice?

Besides, it's almost
done, anyway.

I'll take it.

Dr. Stone's household.

Mrs. Lovelace, I just
happened to remember...

Donna?

Yes.

Yes. Take the one
with the child, Mr. Brill,

and tell the printer
to hurry, please.

Mrs. Lovelace,

a Mrs. Trilling is going to be
there in just a few moments.

And she expects
me to be there, so...

Florence, tell the
PTA delegation

I'll be a few minutes late.

Well, you're already a
half-hour late, but I'll tell them.

Now, where were we? Oh, yes.

Now, Mrs. Trilling
will be terribly put out

if I'm not there, so keep
her there if you possibly can.

It's very important.

I quite understand, Mrs. Stone.

Yes, I'll do the best I
can. Goodbye, Mrs. Stone.

Who is this Mrs. Trilling?

Mrs. Westcott Trilling III.

She acts as if
she owns Hilldale.

Pop says she practically does.

If you ask me,
she's a stuffed shirt.

Jeff, dear, you mustn't
use those expressions.

But I think I know
what you mean.

I'm gonna go see Herman.

Speaking of stuffed shirts.

Dear, you answer the door.

I think very likely

this situation calls
for a pot of tea.

Yes, Mrs. Lovelace.

Hello.

Please tell your mother
Mrs. Trilling is here.

Well, I'm sorry, my
mother isn't home now.

Not home?

Well, really!

It's Mrs. Westcott
Trilling, isn't it?

I'd have recognized you anywhere

from your pictures
on the society page.

I'm Mrs. Lovelace.

Please tell your mother she
might have had the courtesy...

Mary, go and
fetch the tea things.

There's a dear.

Won't you sit down?

You will join me in a cup of
tea, won't you, Mrs. Trilling?

Thank you, but this is
not a social visit, you know.

As a matter of fact...

Mrs. Stone has told me
how much of yourself you give

to this wonderful
fund-raising campaign.

With all your social activities,

how can you manage to
find the time, Mrs. Trilling?

Well, I like to think
I'm doing my bit.

Noblesse oblige, you know.

Noblesse oblige.

How beautifully you
put it, Mrs. Trilling.

But do you know, I'm
positive we've met in London.

No, don't tell me.

It was at the
Asquiths', wasn't it?

Or perhaps at Lady Meredith's?

You're very nice.

Jeff, is Mrs. Trilling here?

She was, but she left.

Why are you doing the vacuuming?

It's great exercise.
Develops a guy's timing.

Jeff...

Oh, Mary! What are you making?

Is it a cake mix?

Yes, Mother.

It's angel chiffon.

Delicious!

A little more oregano,
though, I'd say.

Do you think so, Mother?

I was afraid if I put
too much in that I...

Jeff is developing his timing,
and you're doing the cooking.

Why?

Well, you see, Mother.

Well, Mrs. Lovelace can't cook.

Well, she can cook,
but she just isn't...

And I suppose you're
doing the cleaning

because Mrs. Lovelace
doesn't know how to clean?

You really mustn't
blame them, Mrs. Stone.

They were really
doing it for you.

You see, they're so proud
of the way you're working,

getting money for charity.

And, of course, it
would never do for you

to know that your housekeeper
wasn't able to handle her job.

Mommy, we were afraid
you'd resign if you found out.

I understand.

I'm very proud of you.

Their father will be
proud when he hears.

Will somebody get
that door for me, please?

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Darling, you're home
kind of early, aren't you?

Yes. I just wanted to see how
the new upstairs maid was doing.

Darling, you can't
expect Mrs. Lovelace

to do the heavy
work too, can you?

- Besides...
- Thank you, Doctor.

But I'm afraid
the jig is quite up.

I'm glad everything
is out in the open now.

It wasn't very
easy feeling like a...

How do you say it... a phono?

- A phoney.
- Thank you. A phoney.

But I do want you both to know

that I took on this
job in good faith.

It was just that, well,
I'm afraid I never realized

what being a
housekeeper involved.

My husband never tired

of praising the way I
managed our home in England.

But then, of course,
all I had to do

was to deal with
a staff of servants

who did all the actual work.

Then when he passed on,

I came to live with my
niece and her husband here.

How will you...

You mustn't be
concerned about me.

I'm always welcome to go back
to my niece's house, you know.

Well, then, everything
works out fine, doesn't it?

Splendidly.

Mrs. Lovelace, you don't
really mean that, do you?

I assure you, Mrs. Stone.

I suppose it's silly of me,

but I can't help but
feel that I'll be in the way

of those two nice, young people.

They're kind, of course, but
that's why I answered your ad.

Well, then, don't go.
We'll think of something.

No, my dear. My
bag is packed already.

Who was it who wrote,

"There's a time for great things
and a time for small things,

a time for arrival
and a time to depart"?

Oh, no matter.

It's time for me to
depart, that's all.

Do you suppose we
could invent a little story

that I was called away?

Goodbyes to children
can be difficult.

I almost forgot...
Mrs. Trilling.

Oh, so did I.

She was furious, I suppose.

Perhaps just a little at first.

But after we had
chatted over a cup of tea,

she was most amiable.

She asked me
to give this to you.

But it's a
contribution for $500.

From Mrs. Trilling?
This is impossible!

I'm sure it's a
perfectly good check.

I don't mean that.

But the most she's
ever given is $50.

How did you do it?

Tea-leaf diplomacy, my
husband used to call it.

You mean you accomplished
this miracle with just a cup of tea?

Well, perhaps with
a dash of flattery

and just a pinch of snob appeal.

And why not for
such a worthy cause?

The worst housekeeper
I've ever seen.

But, you know, I kind
of hate to see her leave.

Don't you worry.

We may have lost a
third-rate housekeeper.

But Hilldale has gained

a first-rate professional
campaign director.

Mrs. Lovelace?

Well, of course!

Anyone who can
handle Mrs. Trilling

is a natural for it.

I can hardly wait to
tell the committee.

Welcome home, Donna.

Hello?