The Donna Reed Show (1958–1966): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Hike - full transcript

Here's the knapsack
and the canteen.

Oh, good.

- Hey, who put this knot in here?
- Well, I did.

It's a combination sheepshank,
bowline, and timber hitch.

I think the technical
name for it is a mess.

Maybe your mother
can get it out.

Yeah, she always
gets her knitting tangled.

Hey, where's the frying pan?

We got to have a
frying pan for the trout.

Take it easy. Relax, will you?

It's right here.



You act like you've never
been camping before.

Well, I've never
camped out overnight.

Let's have the canteen.

The canteen? Canteen!

It's on your shoulder.

What have you got in here?

$1.28.

I've been using it
for a piggy bank.

Well, empty it. You might
swallow it by mistake.

Here's some extra
blankets in case it turns cold.

Now, do you need anything else?

Mother?

Can I borrow your overnight bag?

Oh, sure, dear.



- Where are you going?
- To Janice's.

I'm gonna stay overnight.

She's having a birthday
party this weekend.

The whole weekend?

George Washington
only gets one day.

Does Mrs. Thompson
need any help?

No. She's having
the party catered.

The guy at the catering
service does everything.

They bring the food, the
chairs, the tables, the favors.

Jeff, what are you
doing with my atomizer?

Well, I borrowed
it for the hike.

I'm gonna fill
it with fly spray.

Oh, no, you're not.

Well, I'll tell you what.

If you let me take it, I'll bring
you home a nice present.

What?

A nice, big, fat,
juicy garter snake.

- Oh, Jeff.
- Jeff.

What about the
overnight bag, Mother?

- Oh, it's in my closet, dear.
- Thank you.

It'll be a relief to get away
and get some peace and quiet.

Peace and quiet.

They'll sit up and
giggle all night.

Well, now, have
you got everything?

Ooh, what about your
umbrellas and rubbers?

Umbrellas?

Mom, you don't take
umbrellas on a camping trip.

Now, why not? Doesn't
it rain in the woods?

Honey, half the fun of
camping is roughing it,

cooking out of doors,
sleeping in a tent.

The tent!

I'd better go see if the
fellows got one lined up.

There.

Well, thanks.

Where are you going?

Well, it's my clothesline.

Yes, I understand,
Doctor, if it's really urgent.

But, you see, I
promised to take my son

and some of the neighborhood
boys on an overnight hike,

and...

Yes. Yes, certainly.

I'm sure you'd do
the same for me.

Hey, Pop, the tent's
out on the patio,

but there's only one hitch.

Just a second, son.

All right, Doctor,
I'll be there.

The hitch is Peewee
goes with the tent.

Peewee?

He's the little kid that
lives down the block.

It's his tent,
but he's worth it.

It's a beauty.

Jeff, listen, I...

- The kids will be here at 7:30.
- Slow down.

If that's too late, then
we can make it 7:00.

Jeff, look, I want
to talk to you.

What's the matter, Dad?
Is something wrong?

Oh, that was
Dr. Garrison on the phone.

Now, he has a patient,

just a small boy, and,
well, it's quite serious.

Something tells me you're
going to tell me something.

You see, Dr. Garrison wants
another opinion on the case,

and he's called me in
as a consultant tomorrow.

Well, gee, what about our hike?

I'm sorry, Jeff. I won't
be able to take you.

But all the kids
were counting on it.

I told them what a great
camper and fisherman you are

and how much fun we'd have.

It's just as big a
disappointment to me,

but this can't be helped.

Then we'll have
to call off the hike.

I might have known this
would have happened.

Well, maybe one of the
other fathers can take you.

We've done that for
the last three hikes.

Dad says he will, and
then he always backs out.

But I didn't plan to back out.

Look, why don't I
call Peewee's father?

He's going away for the weekend.

How about Pinky's father?

He has to work.

What about Tommy's dad?

He's sick. Dad, you promised!

I know I did.

But the promise I made
when I became a doctor

takes precedence
over everything.

You understand that, don't you?

Sure, I understand.

Oh, Jeff, listen.

I understand.

He understands.

I'm a dedicated doctor.

Dedicated to every kid
in town except my own.

How many times have I let
him down, passed the buck?

Darling, don't make
yourself miserable.

I'm just asking a question.

The same question
Jeff's asking right now.

What kind of a father am I?

Well, I'll tell you this much.

I wouldn't want my children
to have any other father.

Even if you did, it's a little
late to do anything about it.

Well, I better put
this stuff away.

Hey, wait a minute.

I've just had an
idea. What about me?

Leading the Stone
camping expedition.

We owe it to the
boys. It's our turn.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You know I love to walk.

And besides, I was
once a Girl Scout.

Yeah? How many
years ago was that?

Oh, darling, you never ask a
woman, "How many years ago?"

I also never ask a woman to
lead a camping trip, especially you.

Why not?

Well, because you're very
handy to have around the house,

and I don't want to lose you.

Well, now, it isn't as
if I'm going off to war.

It's just an overnight
camping trip.

What could possibly
happen to me?

Well, you could fall off a
cliff and break your neck.

You could fall in
the lake and drown.

There's poison ivy,
snake bite, forest fires.

Tornadoes, hurricanes,
elephant stampedes.

Honey, you wield a
wonderful dust cloth.

You set a fine table.

Just what is this myth
that says only a man

can withstand the rigors
of the great outdoors?

It's no myth that there's a
male world and a female world.

We have a nice
non-aggression pact.

Let's keep it that way.

Well, I'm withdrawing
my ambassador.

If it's all right with Jeff,

I'm going to take the
boys on the camping trip.

If it's all right with you.

In case you never come
back, I want to tell you right now

you're the only
woman I've ever loved.

Jeff, Jeff, I've
got news for you.

- Come on.
- Yeah? What?

You're going on the
camping trip after all.

No kidding! You mean it?

- Yep.
- Oh, Pop, you're the greatest!

No, no, no, Jeff.
Mom's the greatest.

The greatest what?

Your mother's taking
you on the hike.

Well, it's better than
not going at all, isn't it?

We'll have lots of fun.

Yeah, oodles.

Well, you must admit
your mother's a good sport.

Remember the time she played
third base for your ball team?

I remember.

You'd have lost the game anyway.

But she was a good sport.

Yeah.

Well, now, just what's so
wrong with my taking you?

You're a woman.

Well, he's your son.
A chip off the old block.

I'll tell you what.

I'll brief your mother
on camping techniques,

and you run and
tell your friends

about the change in plans, hmm?

Well, I'll go tell them,

but I'm not so sure
they'll still be my friends.

Now, let's start
from the beginning.

Do you know what this is?

- A ragbag.
- It's a knapsack.

Well, I've been
using it as a ragbag.

Well, it's been
reconverted to a knapsack.

Now, I'll show
you how to pack it.

First, we put in the food.

Those aren't very nourishing.

I figure they're equal to about
four or five cans of beans.

Next, cooking utensils.

Mess kit.

Silverware.

Flashlight.

- First-aid kit.
- Very good.

The ax.

Wait a minute. Isn't anybody
else going to carry anything?

Oh, no, you're
the fearless leader.

You got to carry
most of the stuff.

- Well, now what?
- Now we put it on your back.

Turn around.

Put your arms
up. That's the idea.

There!

Now, walk around,
see how it feels.

It seems to ride pretty well.

Now, let's assume you've
just arrived at the campsite,

and what's the
first thing you do?

Sit down.

Very good.

Now get up.

Well, now you've
learned two lessons.

First, don't volunteer
to lead a hike.

Second, don't sit down
with your knapsack on.

Where's your mom now?

Well, she probably
stopped to tie her shoelace.

She's stopped to tie
her shoelace five times.

Mom! Hey, Mom!

I better go back and see if
anything happened to her.

Gee, I hope not.
She's carrying the food.

Too heavy, Mrs. Stone?

Oh, no.

I just thought I'd
drag it for a change.

Hey, Mom, how about this spot?

Oh, yeah, it's nice.

Yeah, there's a
stream right down there.

Hey, that looks great.

I bet there's a
lot of fish in there.

Come on, let's go see.

The last one
down's a rotten egg!

Hey, how was it?

- Fine.
- Fine.

- Great.
- Good.

What's the matter, Mrs. Stone?

Having foot troubles?

No, I'm just counting my toes.

Are you gonna show
us how to set up camp?

Right now?

Why not?

Do you know how
to put up a tent?

A tent? Sure.

But the first law of survival

is to make sure you have
plenty of food, right, Jeff?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

So let's all go fishing.

Come on, get your
poles. Here we go.

Boy, I bet this
stream is full of fish.

Hey, did you hear that?
One of them just jumped.

- Where?
- Over there.

Where I threw the rock.

For crying out loud, what
are you throwing rocks for?

Oh, now, leave him alone, Jeff.

It doesn't matter if they
stir up the fish a little.

They may be asleep.

Oh, let's dig for worms.

Where are you going to dig?

There are worms everywhere.

Sure.

There are probably
some right under that rock.

Do you think we've got enough?

Well, sure. We
must have about 40.

I've got five of them.

And one of them almost
pulled you back in the ground.

Well, come on,
let's start fishing.

I think Mrs. Stone
should have the honor

of catching the first one.

Here's a real fish-getter.

Oh, yes. It's a lovely one.

Put it on your hook, Mrs. Stone.

On the hook?

Yeah, on the fishhook.

I'll do it. My mom
can't do everything.

Thanks, Jeff.

Look, somebody's got to go back
to the camp and put up the tent,

so you boys fish
and have lots of fun.

Now, watch out for Peewee, huh?

And I'll see you later.

What's the matter
with your mother?

What do you mean?

Well, I don't think
she likes fishing.

I don't think she likes worms.

I don't think she likes camping.

Well, how can you say that?

Ah, she doesn't even
know how to put up a tent.

Neither does my father.
That's why he gave it to me.

Maybe we should
have stayed at home.

You said it.

I told you to stop
throwing rocks.

I didn't throw any rocks.

Holy smokes, it was a fish!

Oh, don't be alarmed.

I'm a forest ranger.
My name's Ferguson.

Well, I'm Mrs. Stone.
How do you do?

Having some trouble?

Oh, no, no, I'm just
out here with five boys,

and we're roughing it.

I can see that.

Well, if there's
anything that you need...

Not a thing.

Do you have a campfire permit?

Oh, do I need one?

I'm afraid so.

You should have stopped by
the ranger station on your way in.

Well, I'm sorry. I
didn't know that.

Well, I guess we can make
an exception and issue one.

Well, thank you very much.

You know, frankly, my husband

was supposed to bring
the boys on this trip.

I was a last-minute
substitution.

Yes, you don't look
much like the outdoor type.

One of our duties is to
help any camper in distress.

Thank you. I'm
not at all distressed.

Everything is just fine.

Now, look, if I can
be of help in any way,

there's a phone just a
half-mile down the road.

Thank you, Mr. Ferguson.

Well, good luck.

Oh, Mr. Ferguson?

Yes?

Just a half-mile down the road?

That's right.

Thank you, Mr. Ferguson.

Come on, guys. We got enough.

Yeah, let's go back
and cook them.

Well, my mom will cook them.

Why don't we take them
home? She might ruin them.

What do you mean, "ruin
them"? She's a good cook.

Yeah, maybe on a stove.

If we had any sense,

we wouldn't have gone
on this trip with a woman.

Well, maybe she knows more
about camping than you think.

Yeah, let's go back and see
what she did with the camp.

I'm afraid to look.

Holy smoke!

Hi, fellas. Come and get it.

What is that, Mrs. Stone?

Hunter's stew.

Boy, it sure smells good.

What'll I do with these?

Oh, we'll eat
them for breakfast.

Hey, who chopped all the wood?

Who do you think chopped it?

Hey, Mom, who did chop it?

Who do you think?

Look at that tent.

- Nice job, Mom.
- Thanks, Jeff.

All right, now,
grab your plates,

your mess kits and dig in.

I'm first!

I'm first.

There you go.

"Dr. Hobson stared
into the test tube.

'It seems to me the ants
have grown, Medford, '

he said to his assistant.

'Then your experiment
is a success, Professor, '

said Medford.

'Yes, ' answered the
professor, 'a scientific success.'

'But do you realize

that if these ants
should continue to grow,

it might be the
end of us all? ""

Is this the only
story you brought?

Sure, Mrs. Stone.

We always read scary
stories around the campfire.

Well, would you
like to hear the one

about the fairy princess, who...

- No.
- No.

No.

"Professor
Hobson slept fitfully.

His dreams were filled

with visions of giant ants
growing bigger and bigger.

Suddenly, he awoke with a start.

From outside his window,

he heard the sound of footsteps
crunching in the dead leaves.

'Who's there?' he cried.

There was no answer.

'Who's there?'

Silence.

He took his revolver
from under his pillow

and fired blindly
toward the window.

Bang! Bang!"

What was that?

Oh, it was just the
fire, Mom. Keep going.

"His eyes widened in horror

as a huge leg was thrust
through the window...

The leg of a giant ant.

The professor cringed
against the wall.

The leg stretched toward him.

Giant claws reached
for his throat and then..."

Go on, go on.

Where's the rest of it?

I guess I wrapped
the fish in it.

It's just as well.

I wouldn't want you
to have nightmares.

Oh, don't worry about us.

We won't have any nightmares.

Heck, no.

Well, that's just fine.

Okay, come on,
it's time to go to bed.

Everybody up.

Off you go.

- Good night.
- Good night, Mrs. Stone.

Mrs. Stone?

Yes, Peewee?

Can I sleep in the
lean-to next to you?

Why, sure. Come on.

And while we were
fishing, Mom put up the tent,

chopped all this wood,
built this neat lean-to,

and made the best
hunter's stew I've ever tasted.

Sounds like you
had a wonderful time.

Boy, did we.

She's about the best
camper I've ever seen.

Really?

Well, Jeff, I think
you'd better go up

and get into a hot tub, huh?

Okay. Thanks, Mom.
We had a wonderful time.

Good.

- See you later, Jeff.
- Okay.

I'll take these
upstairs for you, Mom.

Thanks.

Well, so, you built a
lean-to, pitched a tent,

chopped some wood, and
made hunter's stew, hmm?

It was nothing.

You did it all by yourself, huh?

Oh, I had the help of a
little Girl Scout ingenuity.

What about the forest ranger?

Forest ranger?

I guess you were too busy
conquering the elements

to notice him.

His name is Ferguson.

How did you know?

Oh, I just happened to
phone the ranger station

and asked him to
drop by the campsite.

Oh, I see.

Well, he was a
very obliging man.

Yes, isn't he?

But he was just a
little bit condescending,

like some other men I know.

But he gave me a fire permit,
and I sent him on his way.

You what?

I sent him on his way.

Hello, may I speak
to Mr. Ferguson?

Oh, hello, Mr. Ferguson.
This is Dr. Stone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
they just got home.

You don't mean it.

That's amazing.

Yeah, well, thanks anyway.

Bye.

That wasn't Mr. Ferguson
by any chance, was it?

Yeah, yeah, it was.

Honey, I guess I
owe you an apology.

He said you wouldn't
accept his help.

In fact, he came
by later that night.

He said you'd set up the
most professional-looking camp

he'd ever seen.

How nice of him to say so.

Well, you can't blame
me for being skeptical.

Oh, no, of course not.

Well, how did you do it?

Well, I told you. Just a
little Girl Scout ingenuity.

Hi, Mrs. Stone.

I was in the neighborhood,

and I just thought I'd stop
in and see how things went.

Well, just fine,
thank you. Goodbye.

Oh, do you want me to
leave the bill, or shall I mail it?

What bill?

I'm from the ACME
rental and catering service.

It's $18.25.

Yes, well, I'll take it.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute. What's the bill for?

Well, just a few
incidentals we needed.

Oh, it's all itemized.

A stack of wood,
rental on a lean-to,

payment for erecting one tent,

two gallons of
precooked hunter's stew,

ooh, and many,
many other things.

Yes, well, I'll mail
you the check.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Catered overnight hike, huh?

Well, I told you I used
Girl Scout ingenuity.

Well, I hope
you've got some left

because you're gonna need
it to get me to pay this bill.

Oh, for that type of situation,
I use big-girl ingenuity.