The Donna Reed Show (1958–1966): Season 1, Episode 28 - April Fool - full transcript

Buzz Berry, Mary's favorite rock singer, is coming to town for a show. On the night of the show, however, Buzz comes down with a bad case of the measles, and is taken to the Stones' house to be treated by Alex, and is forced to stay there for a few days to recuperate. When word leaks out that he is staying there, the Stones' house is besieged by his adoring fans.

There is no such thing as
the next-best thing to love

No substitute or
facsimile thereof

Just try and do without it

Go see how far you get

Why don't we face it?

Mary, honey, I'm a
very patient woman.

But you have played that
record at least 11 times.

I counted.

I know, Mother, but it's
Buzz Berry's latest release.

Isn't he crazy?

He certainly is.



Honey, I wanted to tell you.

The man of the
house is on his way in.

Mother, you ask him. You
have a way with husbands.

No, Mary. You're on your own.

Hello.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, sweetie.

Well, you look like you've
had a long, hard day.

- Let me help you.
- Oh, it wasn't so bad.

Well, you look exhausted.

I'll get your pipe and slippers.

And your paper's
right beside the chair.

What's going on?

You'll find out.



I have a patient in the
oven that needs my attention.

There you go. Is there
anything else you'd like?

Yes. You can turn
off that horrible noise.

Noise? That's...

Sure, Daddy. Anything you say.

You don't happen to
need a little advance

on your allowance, do you?

No, and if it's a strain, you
can just skip next week's.

Don't need a new dress
for the dance next week?

No. I'm wearing the
one I have. It's beautiful.

I see. You're just pampering
me because you love me.

Why else?

Of course, I did promise
the girls you'd get us tickets

to see Buzz Berry at
the Civic Auditorium.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Why do you want to go see
him? You've got all his records.

Well, Daddy, he'll only
be here for one night.

And it's an absolute sellout.

Well, I thought on account of
Johnny Martin being your patient

and his father being the
manager of the Civic Auditorium

that maybe...

Daddy, if we don't get to
see Buzz Berry, we'll die.

All of us... absolutely die!

All right.

I'll call Phil Martin

and put it to him as a
matter of life or death.

Oh, I love you, Daddy.

You're the sweetest
daddy in the whole world.

Mary, would you
finish the salad, please?

Yes, Mother.

Donna.

Yes, dear?

Do you think it's wise to
teach that child all your tricks?

What tricks?

Well, that demonstration
of feminine wiles

she just performed for me.

Oh, I didn't teach her.

Of course, I can't keep
her from watching me.

Thank you again. Bye.

Come on. Hurry up.

Thank you, Daddy.

Goodbye!

Bye, Daddy. I'll see you later.

I'll see you at home.
Alice's father will pick you up.

Good night. Enjoy yourselves.

Get in, Doc. Let's get going.

You men are in the wrong car.

Please, Alex, don't
ask any questions.

Get in the car and
drive to your office.

Phil Martin, is that you?

What's going on here?

Please, Alex.
There's a lot at stake.

Knock it off, will
you? And let's go.

I'll take care of any tickets.
Don't spare the spark plugs.

Well, Doc, what's
the big megillah here?

What's with my boy?

Measles.

Measles?

Oh, no.

Say it isn't so, Doc.
You're kidding, huh?

That's what it is.

Well, don't get
excited. It's not serious.

Sure, Lou, is isn't serious.

No, it's not serious.

Just a catasto-strophe,
that's all.

To you it's a catasto-strophe.

To me it's a catastrophe.

Every seat in the
house is sold out.

Well, I better take care of
refunding the ticket money.

Listen, just tell
them he's sick,

but don't say what's
wrong with him.

Oh, measles!

Listen, Doc, can I see
you a minute, please?

I want to talk to you.

You can get dressed now.

This is very important.
It's a matter of life or death.

You got to help us out.

Me and my boy
are in big trouble.

If your boy takes it easy, he'll
be as good as new in a few days.

- He's only got measles.
- Only got measles?

Doc, if he only had
gangrene or typhoid fever,

believe me, we could
wring their hearts out.

But measles ain't got no class.

It's kid stuff.
They'll laugh at us.

- That's regrettable.
- Doc, look.

Let them hate us,
love us, scream at us,

print nasty things about
us in the newspapers.

We go sailing on.

But if they laugh at us,
we're dead, believe me.

Mr. Vance, I am a doctor,
not a public relations...

Now, look, Doc.
Here's the way I see it.

Now, suppose I tell the press

that Buzz Berry is
suffering from a sore throat

and we got to cancel a
week's engagements?

He's got to rest in some
nice, quiet hideaway.

That's fine. You do that.

Yeah. And all the time,
he's hiding out right here.

Not here, Mr. Vance.
In his hotel room.

Hotel?

They got bellboys,
chambermaids, a million leaks.

Look, the boy has
got to stay here.

If it's money you're
worried about, Doc,

I got plenty, and we pay good.

Mr. Vance, I'll arrange for a
bed at the hospital if you want.

Hospital?

But he's not staying here.

But that's even worse.

Those blabbermouth
nurses... They're terrible.

You did it all wrong.

Butt out, will you?

Okay. But if you want
to move in around here,

you don't talk to Pop.

You talk to Mom.

She's the softhearted one.

I like your style,
kid. Keep talking.

First of all, money
will get you no place

with anybody in this
house, except me.

I'm listening, shorty.

Mrs. Stone, when I speak
of Buzz Berry as my boy,

you know there's more
truth to that than poetry.

He was raised in an orphanage.

In the slums.

In the worst part of the slums.

He didn't know what it
meant to have parents,

a nice, warm home.

I was like a mother
and a father to that boy.

Yes, go on, Mr. Vance.

That's why, Mrs. Stone,
I pegged you right off

as being the sweet,
high-type woman

who would be the first to say,

"I want to protect
Buzz Berry's future."

Well, how can I
do that, Mr. Vance?

By letting him stay here.

They can have my room,
Mom. I'll sleep on the couch.

That's very
generous of you, Jeff.

You know the old saying,
Mom... "Like mother, like son."

You know, this is
the only place in town

where he can hole up
and get wonderful care

and still keep the secret
as to what's wrong with him.

Measles he's got.

Why couldn't he have got
some nice manly disease

like a broken back, maybe?

Here's your patient,
Mr. Vance. Shall I call a taxi?

Oh, just a minute, Alex.

Excuse us.

Here. Take it easy.
Sit down there, boy.

Easy. Now, don't... That's it.

Would you mind terribly
if we kept him here?

Honey, has that con
man been talking to you?

Look, we've all had the measles,
so there's no problem there.

Oh, it's a shame to
send that poor, sick boy

off to a cold hotel room.

He can stay at a hospital.

But if the teenagers
found out...

Honey, it's just for a few days.

And Mary and Jeff
would get a kick out of it,

and I don't mind.

Honey, listen to me.

What's going on over there?

I got the little lady
carrying the ball for us.

With the help of this
fine young man here.

$10!

All right.

But don't say I didn't
tell you, "I told you so."

You're a sweet,
high-type doctor.

Dr. Stone has agreed
to keep you here.

Oh, no, I couldn't
let you do that.

Mrs. Stone, you have just won

the Buzz Berry Gold
Medal Award for Valor.

Congratulations, Doc.

I'm overwhelmed.

There is no such thing as
the next-best thing to love

No substitute or
facsimile thereof

Mary, you look like
you've lost your last friend.

It's worse than that.
The show was canceled.

I didn't even get
to see Buzz Berry.

You don't know
when you're well off.

Oh, Daddy.

Well, cheer up, honey.

We have some
interesting news for you.

What?

He's right here.

Who?

Buzz Berry.

That's not very funny, Mother,

especially after what
I've been through.

Your mother's not
trying to be funny.

Your dream boy is upstairs.

Aren't you and Mother
starting a little early?

You know, April Fools'
Day isn't until tomorrow.

Excuse me, Doc.

Did you say to take
one or two aspirins?

Two.

Oh, Mr. Berry, I'd like
you to meet our daughter.

- This is Mary.
- Hi, Mary.

What's wrong with her, anyway?

She's acting so goofy.

And giggling like that
right in the middle of class.

Mary, what's the
matter with you?

You act like
you're not all there.

There's nothing
wrong with me. I'm fine.

Why did you giggle when
Mr. Hodges called on you?

Well, just because I'm so happy.

Happy?

After last night, I was so
depressed, I could have croaked.

Our one chance in a lifetime
to see Buzz Berry gone forever.

What are you so happy about?

Oh, nothing.

Mary, tell us.

Oh, I can't,
Alice. It's a secret.

Well, Mary, if you can't tell
your best friends a secret,

who can you tell?

Well...

Oh, I can't. You'll
spread it all over school.

We will not.

We promise.

You solemnly swear?

Swear.

Guess who's
staying at our house.

Buzz Berry.

Well.

Tommy Sands is staying
with us this weekend.

We were expecting Elvis, but
the Army couldn't spare him.

Well, you don't have to
believe me if you don't want to.

That's up to you.

Oh, well, I've got to
go to my locker. Bye.

You don't believe her, do you?

Oh, of course not.

I read in the paper this
morning he had a sore throat.

He went someplace to rest.

It doesn't seem possible.

Oh, you poor thing.

Oh, hi, Mary.

Oh, it just kills me to
see you suffering like this.

Thank you. You're very sweet.

But can I suffer
in private, please?

Well, is there anything
I can get for you?

Something cool to drink?
An ice bag? An aspirin?

If there's anything I
can do, just tell me.

All right.

When you go out, would
you close the door, please?

Oh, hi, Mary. Did you
just get home from school?

Yes, Mother.

There's a whole pack of
your friends down there.

- Down where?
- Outside.

They came to see Buzz.

I slammed the door on
them, but they're still out there.

You didn't tell your
friends I was here, did you?

Mary, you weren't
supposed to say anything.

Well, I know, Mother, but,
well, it just sort of slipped out.

I didn't mean to. I told
them it was a secret.

Why don't you just take
an ad out in the paper

or buy some radio time?

I didn't tell them what
was wrong with you.

I never dreamed
they'd come here.

Mother, what am I gonna do?

How about throwing
yourself out the window?

Jeff, be quiet.
Now, let me think.

Oh, think fast,
will you, please?

Hey, I got an idea.

You go down and put that new
record on the phonograph, see?

And then you let your
girlfriends in, see?

Buzz, won't you come down
and meet some of my friends?

No substitute or
facsimile thereof

Just try and do without it

Go see how far you get

Why don't we face it?
What can replace it?

Nothing they've thought of yet

Hi, everybody. April Fool.

Yeah. April Fool.

Is this your idea of a joke?

Well, what's April
Fools' Day for?

It's not funny, Mary.

Oh, come on.

You were supposed to stay and
make some plans about the dance.

Mary, they're furious.

You should know better
than to joke about Buzz Berry.

Hi, honey.

How was school?

Okay, I guess.

- What's the matter?
- Nothing.

Hi, Sisterino.

- Hi.
- What's the matter?

- Hi, baby.
- Hi, Daddy.

What's the matter, honey?

Nothing, Daddy! Nothing!

The fair-weather girlfriends
still giving her the business?

I'm afraid so.

Women!

What is it about the
guitar-playing crooner

that turns teenage
girls into wild animals?

All I know is I can hardly wait

for our teenage
idol to be on his way.

You wouldn't say, "I
told you so," would you?

The furthest thought
from my mind.

Now, there's a sight to warm
the cockles of your heart.

Connubial bliss.

You know...

Say, wait a minute.
What a title for a song.

Connubial bliss

A man and a miss

Begins with a hug

And ends with a kiss

You like it?

You hate it?

Forget it.

Say, Doc, you know something?

That modern-miracle medicine

has got my boy chewing off
the wallpaper, he's so hungry.

Now, what do we got for
dinner tonight, sweetie?

I thought we'd have lamb chops.

Lamb chops?

Didn't we have lamb
once this week, doll?

Not that my boy is
complaining about the chow,

but we want to get
him good and strong

so he can get
out of here, right?

Desperately.

Passionately.

Tell you what, sweetie.

Do you mind, Doc?

Why don't you run down
to the supermarket, sweetie,

and pick up a few
nice, thick, juicy steaks?

Will you do that, doll?

I'm afraid not, sweetie.

And if you happen
to pass a cigar store,

pick me up a few good heaters.

There will be a
little change left.

Buy yourself something.

Thank you, anyway, Mr. Vance,

but I've given up
smoking heaters.

Would you mind, doll?

There's an excellent
cigar store one mile south.

As a doctor, I can tell
you you need the exercise.

You know something?
I think you're right.

Well, I'll see you around, Doc?

Hi. Am I happy to see you.

I'm as hollow as a bass drum.

Thank you.

Lamb chops.

Any objections?

Well, no.

I realize this may not
be up to your standards,

but it'll have to do.

Mrs. Stone, I could be wrong,
but I kind of get the feeling

that you're not too terribly
happy about something.

You're a very
perceptive young man.

Also a very spoiled young man.

Mrs. Stone...

And if you're an example of
what the teenagers look up to,

well, I haven't much hope
for the next generation.

Hi, Buzz.

What is she in such
an uproar about?

- What did I do?
- Oh, it's not you.

It's that creepy
manager of yours.

He may be a ball of fire
with the showbiz folks,

but around here
he's a wet match.

I better go apologize for him.

That won't do any good,

'cause that's not what's
bothering my mother the most.

What's bothering her most?

She's mad because the girls
are giving my sister a bad time.

On account of me?

That April Fool gag went
over like a lead balloon.

And the girls are still
down on her, huh?

And how.

Boy, the things we've
done for your career.

Give me a hand, Jeff.

Do you always eat so quickly?

Mrs. Stone, I wish you
wouldn't let Lou Vance upset you.

He has a knack for rubbing
people the wrong way.

It isn't a knack, Mr. Berry.

He has a talent for
being objectionable

that borders on genius.

Okay. But if he
weren't that kind of guy,

if he were the
velvet-glove type,

I wouldn't be where I am today.

Where are you, Mr. Berry?

Well, I don't expect you to
be impressed, Mrs. Stone,

but in the music racket,

I'm pretty high up
the ladder right now.

It took a long
time getting there,

and it's an awful shaky ladder.

One push in the wrong
direction, and I'm flat on my face.

Really?

I guess in your opinion,

it would be a push in
the right direction, huh?

Lou probably told you about my
heroic rise to fame and fortune.

An orphan born in the slums.

No, that isn't true.

No, I was just a small-town kid

with a few music lessons
and a fair set of pipes.

I've got no illusions
about myself.

In six months to a year, I
can make the very big time.

Or you can get your wish
and I'll wind up a Mr. Nobody.

Well, I don't wish that.

I'm sorry. I lost my
temper, Mr. Berry.

Buzz.

Buzz.

I don't blame you.

And about Mary and her friends,

I'd like to help straighten
that out, if I can.

Do you mean it?

Sure. Just tell me what to do.

Well, how much
longer will you be here?

I leave tomorrow.

I do a show in
Cleveland on Saturday.

Well, I'll talk it
over with Mary.

Mother, will you please finish
zipping up the back of my dress?

Honey, how can I fasten
you if you don't stand still?

Mother, how can I stand
still when I'm so excited?

Have our guests left yet?

They're upstairs packing.

Good.

I'll be glad to pitch
in if they need help.

Anything to speed Broadway Bill

and his wandering
troubadour on their way.

Well, I've got work to do.

Mother, it must be near 8:00.

They'll probably
be here any minute.

You look very nice, Mary.

- Thank you, Buzz.
- Where are the girls?

Look, Buzzy Boy,
we worked like the FBI

to keep our little secret.

Now you're gonna
blow the whole thing

for a handful of schoolkids?

We're not gonna blow any
secret. We're paying a debt.

- Relax, will you?
- I'll relax.

But I'm telling you right now...
We're not gonna miss that plane.

Mary, you're sure they're
coming, aren't you?

Well, yes, I think so.

I told Alice to spread
the word around

to come to my house
before the dance

because I had a
surprise for them, but...

Oh, there they are now.

Thank you very much.

It was the florist, for me.

Oh, how nice.

Here.

It's beautiful.

Well, find out who it's from.

Here.

From Buzz Berry.

Thank you very much, Buzz.

That was very sweet of you.

You're welcome, Mary.

It's just the most
beautiful corsage

I've ever seen in my life.

I'm glad you like it.

And I'm glad you're glad.
Now, where are those kids?

Well, what time is it?

Quarter of 8:00.

It's 8:15.

Did you tell them to
be here promptly, Mary?

Well...

That must be
the cab. I'll get it.

We'll be with you
in a minute, Mac.

Here. Take these out.

Let's go, Buzz.

Come on, Buzzy Boy.
We got a lot of work to do.

The meter's running.

Sweetie, you've been a brick
about this whole ugly mess.

Thank you.

Well, Buzzy, the
hour of parting is here.

You better go, Buzz.

I guess the girls
aren't going to come.

I'm sorry, Mary.

Mrs. Stone, I want to thank you

and the doctor very
much for your kindness.

That's all right.

- Jeff, it was nice to know you.
- You too.

All right, already. Let's go.

I'm sorry I couldn't
meet your friends.

But maybe there will be
another chance sometime.

Next time we get the
measles, we'll all drop in on you.

Look, if I write you a letter
explaining the whole thing.

That's all right, Buzz.

Buzzy, baby, why don't you
send her an autographed picture?

I wish we didn't have to go.

That's showbiz.

Well, goodbye again, everybody.

And thanks a
million for everything.

- We'll see you around sometime.
- I hope so.

- Yeah, bye.
- Bye.

Hi, Flo.

- Hi, Alice.
- Hi, Mary.

Why didn't you stop
by my house tonight?

I wanted to, but
the others didn't.

I mean, after that
April Fools' joke.

It wasn't a joke, Alice.
Why won't you believe me?

Buzz Berry was
really at my house.

Alice, what's the matter
with you, anyway?

Hi, Mary.

May I have this dance?

It's him!

Alive!

In person!

I thought you had to leave.

I talked Lou into
changing to a later flight.

You haven't
answered my question.

I said, "May I have this dance?"

I should say you
certainly may, Buzz.

Just try and do without it

Go see how far you get

Why don't we face it?
What can replace it?

Nothing they've thought of yet

There is no such thing
with the very same appeal

And nothing like when
you fall in love for real

Who's at your house this week?

Whether it be the real thing

This much I am certain of

There is no such thing

There is no such thing as
the next-best thing to love