The Donna Reed Show (1958–1966): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Busy Body - full transcript

Uncle Fred, Donna's uncle, swoops in for an unexpected visit and immediately gets into everybody's business, with unexpected results.

I'll get it. It's probably mine.

I'll get it! Shorty's gonna
call about the team.

Let go, Jeff!

Mike's gonna call me up and tell
me when he's gonna pick me up!

I know it's for me!

They're having tryouts
at the playground!

- Oh, Jeff, stop!
- At ease, both of you.

All I ever hear is Mike!

All right, all right, all right.
You mind if I play through?

I'm expecting a
call from the clinic.

Dr. Stone speaking.



I have it, Alex.

Yes, this is Mrs. Stone.

Donna, bless your
heart, how are you?

Uncle Fred, how
wonderful to hear from you!

Gee, I'm afraid we've
got a bad connection.

How are things in South Africa?

What?

You're not?

Gee, Uncle Fred, I can't
seem to hear you very well.

It sounds like
you're in an airplane.

Well, Mike's always calling you!

Oh, Jeff, would you be quiet?

Daddy, this whole
problem could be solved

if I had my own
phone in my room.



Amen to that, sister.

An even better solution
just occurred to me.

If you two don't start
practicing moderation,

I'm going to
install a pay phone!

Honey, you'll never
guess who just called.

- Who?
- Uncle Fred!

All the way from South Africa?

How's the weather down there?

Well, he didn't say.

He's back in this country again.

Where? New York?

Chicago?

Donna, he's not coming here.

Oh, Alex, he's not that bad,

and you haven't
seen him for years.

He's bound to have mellowed.

Honey, a keg of
dynamite doesn't mellow.

Now, get on the
phone and tell him.

I can't. He called
from an airplane.

From an airplane?

Yes, he said he'd
be here any minute.

Is somebody attacking us?

Yes!

Uncle Fred!

So I said to the pilot,

"Sonny, I chartered
this old lemon crate,

and I'm taking the controls."

Now, I didn't know
right where you live,

but a town by the
name of Hilldale?

Whoever thought of that name?

Sounds like a cemetery.

So I decided to waken you up.

So I zoomed on in.

You certainly
woke us up, all right.

I may never sleep again.

Gosh, Uncle Fred,
are you a pilot, too?

Oh, I've logged a few hours.

I cut my teeth in the
Lafayette Escadrille.

Then, I spent some time
flying freight over the Andes.

Finally got bored with
it. I lit out for Africa.

Led some hunting parties.

Yeah, that's when I got hooked
by that Cape buffalo in my hip.

Blast his hide.

And then I stumbled
over the diamond mine.

Uncle Fred, this is neat. Would
you show me how to use it?

Nothing to it, lad.

Now, you grab the handle so.

Now, let's say your
dad's a warthog.

- Okay.
- He breaks cover.

Calculate his speed, you
get set, lean back, and...

Uncle Fred!

Oh, don't worry, honey.

I wouldn't kill any
husband of yours.

Well, let's not
take any chances.

Put this in a corner
till a warthog shows up.

Uncle Fred, did this really
belong to an African queen?

Sure thing, honey.

Of course, the king had about
13 other wives besides her.

Ah, but they had a nice
working arrangement that...

Uncle Fred, wouldn't
you like some coffee?

Oh, I'd love it, honey.

Uncle Fred, how much longer

do you think your
business will keep you here?

Well, that depends

on how long a certain
corporation I got my hooks in

manages to hold out.

So, a few days, a
week, a month, a...

Well, I'm sorry we
don't have a guestroom,

but then I imagine you'd be
more comfortable at a hotel.

A hotel? Are you kidding?
He can have my room!

Well, don't listen
to him, Uncle Fred.

Take my room. It's clean!

It smells like perfume.

Don't squabble,
kids. Don't squabble.

It's a real nice
feeling to be wanted.

- Here's your coffee.
- Oh, thanks.

But since I'm
joining the family,

I'd like to show you how
to brew a real cup of coffee.

I wormed the secret
from the Taquara Indians.

Have you got any cassava root?

I knew I left something
off my shopping list.

Oh, never mind, I'll
pick up a supply myself.

Well, Alex, so,
you're a pediatrician?

What's that, foot doctor?

Baby doctor.

Well, you don't get much
of a fee out of kids, do you?

Oh, there are
ways of collecting.

I use a whip.

You're all right, son.

You know, I had my doubts
about you when I first met you.

I had you marked
down as a stuffed shirt.

I should have known my favorite
niece wouldn't pick a deadhead.

Well, thank you, Uncle Fred.

You'll excuse me. I have
to make a phone call.

Oh, not on that
phone! No, no, no.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Go right ahead, but don't
tie up the line too long.

I'm expecting an important call.

Well, I'll try not to interfere
with your business, Uncle Fred.

Uncle Fred, were you
ever attacked by lions?

Bless you, my boy,
I've been attacked

by every savage beast
that's known to man.

Ever been attacked
by a boa constrictor?

Yep.

- A tiger?
- Yep.

Yes, sir, the real ornery
critter is the Cape buffalo.

Many's the time...

I wonder if he's
ever been attacked

by a savage pediatrician?

Alex, I'm sorry.

It's all right. I'd
rather phone in here.

The oxygen's all
used up in there.

Hello?

No, Dr. Stone isn't.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Adams.

Yes, I know, the
phone's been busy.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Yes, I'll tell him. Bye.

Mom, guess what! Uncle
Fred's gonna coach our team!

Wonderful!

I remember the time I persuaded
a spindly-shanked youngster

to change his batting stance.

Next year, he went
out and hit 60 homers.

Babe Ruth!

Now, as soon as you get the
team organized, I'll be there.

Mom, do me a favor. Get
Uncle Fred to stay forever!

Got to hand it to you, Donna.

You've done a great job
raising those kids of yours.

First-rate.

Thank you, Uncle Fred.

Alex helped out in
odd moments, too.

Uncle Fred, Alex is terribly
dependent on the telephone.

Same here. Now, you
take that Chicago deal...

Operator? This is
Fred Sutton again.

What about my call to Chicago?

Well, hustle it up, honeybunch.

- Hello, Uncle Fred.
- Alex.

Hello, dear. Mrs.
Adams just called.

She's bringing Timmy over.

You better be prepared.
She sounded pretty hysterical.

Isn't she always?

What's the trouble
with the little fella?

Nothing.

Timmy's just fine.

His mother dreams up a
new illness for him every week.

I know how to
deal with that kind.

I once saw a Congo tribesman

cure his wife's
hysteria in nothing flat.

Really?

Swung at her with a crocodile.

It was only a baby croc,
but she simmered down fast.

Well, I'm a little
short of crocodiles,

so I'll stick to a less
persuasive measure.

That's where you're
wrong, laddie buck.

The trouble with
most human beings

is they pussyfoot through life,

so scared of what
people will think,

they never get anything done.

My motto is "Listen
patiently, smile sweetly,

and smack them between
the eyes with a crocodile."

Operator, what's the
delay, sweetie pie?

Well, you better hurry it up,

or we'll take our business
to another phone company.

You heard what I
said, sweetie pie.

Now, Mike, I'm not gonna
break that date with Roy Hawkins,

and that's that.

Okay, that suits me fine.

You go your way. I'll go mine.

Well, I can't cancel a
date at the last minute.

Think how he'd feel.

What about the way I feel?

We've been going
together two whole weeks.

Well, I made the date
with Roy three weeks ago.

I can't just call him up.

Okay, I'll call him up.

Oh, Mike, listen, I told
you I like you better

than any boy at school, but...

That's a beautiful line.

Why don't you put it
to music and sing it?

Hold everything, young fella!

No one talks to
my niece that way!

Uncle Fred, we were
just having a discussion.

Well, I don't like his language,

and I don't like you being
hauled around in this thing.

That's about the flimsiest
excuse for a front end

that I've ever seen.

Look, Dad, if you knew
anything at all about hot rods,

you'd know that...

Mike, don't you talk
to my uncle like that!

Now, you better
clear out of here, son,

and don't come back until
you've done a repair job

on your manners and your jalopy!

Don't worry, honey.

He'll be back with his
tail between his legs.

Mary!

Mary?

- Hi, Uncle Fred.
- Hiya, Jeff old boy.

What, back so soon?

Oh, the playground's closed.

There's a big sign on the gate

that says, "No
playing on Saturday

'cause there's no one
around to supervise."

What do they expect you
to do, play in the streets?

We can't do that.
The police won't let us.

What kind of a town is this?

Jeff, did you ever
hear the expression

"Go argue with city hall"?

Yeah, I've heard it.

I'm gonna give you a
practical demonstration

how to go about it.

Come with me.

Mayor Webster?

My name is Frederick
Jonathan Sutton.

I'm the uncle of
Mrs. Alex Stone.

Yes, the doctor's wife.

Well, to begin with, let
me say, I am shocked, sir...

Profoundly shocked.

Would you mind
telling me exactly?

I'm speaking, sir, of
the public playground.

Have you no concern for
the children of this town?

The children?

I'll have you know, sir,

the welfare of the children
is my greatest concern.

Then why are the playground
gates locked against them?

Are you afraid they'll
steal the equipment?

But we have no supervisor.

Then scrape up the
money to hire a supervisor.

We have no budget!

The budget?

Now, really, Mayor.

I've seen that
dead horse flogged

by every two-bit
tinhorn politician

from here to Timbuktu.

Now, you listen here!

Now, if I may get a word
in edgewise, may I ask,

are you a statesman or a
budget-balancing bookkeeper?

Holy cow! What'd he say?

He was too overcome with
remorse to say anything.

You tell your
friends to stand by.

Those gates will be
open before you know it.

Well, thanks a
million, Uncle Fred!

Hi, there, young fella.

Who are you?

I didn't quite catch the name.

Timmy.

Timmy Adams.

So, you do have a name.

Timmy Adams.

How do you feel? Got
any aches or pains?

Timmy! Timmy!

Oh, dear, now, you
know what I told you

about bothering strangers.

Oh, hardly a stranger,
ma'am. I'm Mrs. Stone's uncle.

Fred Sutton's the name.

That's a fine, healthy-looking
boy you got there.

Well, thank you, but
he's really not well at all.

He's got to sit quietly
and conserve his energy.

Ma'am, when he
gets as old as I am,

he can sit around and
conserve his energy.

He ought to be romping up a
storm with the rest of the kids.

Oh, no, no, no, he
can't run around.

He's a frail child. He's
always been a frail child.

Why, if it hadn't been for
Dr. Stone's treatments...

Ma'am, it's up to me
to tell you something.

Dr. Stone's treatments were
meant for you, not for him.

There's nothing
wrong with that boy.

Uncle Fred, if you
think you can stand...

Doctor, is that what you think?

Why, of course it is.
Who do you think told me?

- Look, I...
- Mrs. Adams, please, listen...

I trusted you.

You deliberately misled me.

You're just like all
the rest of the doctors.

You keep on treating
him like an invalid,

and he'll wind up an invalid!

Alex, what is it?

It's the power of suggestion.

- He's not talking to...
- Mrs. Adams.

Oh, no!

Oh, and I've been
upstairs consoling Mary.

He made some pretty strong
remarks to her boyfriend, Mike.

That's nothing.

You should have heard
him tell the mayor off.

- The mayor?
- The mayor?

On account of the
playground being closed.

You should have heard
the way he called him

a two-bit tinhorn politician.

I'll tell you, that Uncle
Fred's the greatest.

Oh, Alex, he probably
just didn't realize

what he was doing.

Oh, of course not.

Cape buffaloes never
realize how ornery they are.

Now, Donna, there
are limits to hospitality.

Now, you tell Uncle Fred
we want a firm commitment

how much longer
he's going to be here.

Alex, that's just like
handing him his hat.

He'll pack and leave.

Oh, that's a prospect I
can face without flinching.

Oh, all right, honey, you're
too emotionally involved.

Forget it.

Oh, Alex, do you
really mean that?

Yes. I'll tell him.

Alex, wait.

He's my Cape buffalo.

I'll tell him.

Who goes there, friend or foe?

It's a friend.

Enter, friend.

I thought you might
be one of the kids.

Uncle Fred, there's something
I want to discuss with you.

I wanted these to be a surprise.

Oh, Uncle Fred,
why did you do that?

Because I wanted to, Donna.

What's money for if you can't
spend it on the folks you love?

How about this for Mary?

A bottle of the best
French perfume.

And this for Jeff.

One of those foolproof cameras.

Uncle Fred, I wish you hadn't.

And how about a new
X-ray machine for Alex

and a nice fur coat for you?

Uncle Fred, now, listen to me.

I want you to promise

that you won't get
anything for either of us.

I mean it. Now,
will you promise?

You're a hard woman, Donna.

But, anyway, I've been making
myself useful around here.

Did Alex tell you

how I straightened
out that Mrs. Adams?

Yes.

I also know how you
straightened out Mary and Mike

and Mayor Webster.

You got something
on your mind, Donna.

Uncle Fred, did you know
that Timmy is an adopted boy?

Mrs. Adams could
never have children,

and she waited so long.

Well, now her one big fear

is that something
will happen to him.

So, you see, sometimes the
soft approach is the best way.

Now, take Mary and
Mike and that silly quarrel.

That young pup
ordering her around!

Well, Uncle Fred, puppies
do silly things sometimes,

and, well, Alex and I
always let the children

work out their own problems.

Well, what about
that mayor of yours?

Do you expect Jeff to work out
the playground problem with him?

No, but calling the
mayor a tinhorn politician

isn't going to help things any.

Did I call him that?

Yes.

I guess I did.

Uncle Fred, I hate
to ask you this.

You don't have to, honey.

I know what you're gonna say.

If there were any other way...

I'm just an old fool
of the Peck's bad boy.

But you watch me
spring into action now.

What?

I'm gonna make that
precious mayor of yours

see the sweet light of reason
if I have to tromp all over him!

And then I'm gonna look up
Mrs. Adams and young Mike...

No, Uncle Fred,
you can't do that!

I don't blame you for thinking
so, but you just watch and see!

I've got to stick around
for an important call at 2:00,

but right after that...

Where are you going?

Excuse me. I just thought
of some things I have to do.

Before 2:00.

A tinhorn politician?

You?

His very words.

But you were absolutely right.

Allowing the children to use a
playground without supervision

would have been very unwise.

Ah, today, as
always, Mrs. Stone,

I stand foursquare
for playgrounds.

I know, and it's up
to us to back you up.

Now, that's the first
order of business

at the next PTA meeting.

Resolved, that it's
up to us mothers

to take turns supervising
the playground on Saturdays.

Now, I'm sure you had
some such plan in mind.

Yeah, well, to be
perfectly honest...

I'm so glad we were able
to save you the trouble.

Well, I've got to
be running along.

The boys are
going to be delighted

to have their
playground back again.

Well, needless to say,

I'll have a notice to that
effect put up at once.

Oh, thank you, Mayor Webster.

Oh, and may I tell my uncle

that you forgive his
outrageous remarks?

Oh, that's all forgotten.

Funny, in a way,
I'm indebted to him.

To Uncle Fred?

Oh, he said a lot of things
that were uncalled-for,

but he also said something...

Well, he asked me
if I were a statesman

or a budget-balancing
bookkeeper.

You know, that's
not a bad question

for a mayor to
keep asking himself

as long as he stays in office.

Yes.

- Well, goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Mmm, it's a good drink, Mike.

Thanks, Mrs. Stone,

only I got a feeling you
didn't come here just to have it.

No, I didn't.

I came to apologize for
Mr. Sutton... Uncle Fred.

You know, Mrs. Stone,

I like Mary better than
any girl in the whole school,

and she feels the
same way about me.

At least, she says she does.

Well, then, how could she
go out with another boy?

Mike, that's dreadful. Now,
how disloyal can she be?

Well, now, wait.

As a matter of fact, he's
sort of a friend of mine.

All said and done,
he's a pretty good guy.

Mike, it's very loyal of
you to stick up for him.

You know, Mrs. Stone,
you're pretty sharp.

But what you really mean
is Mary's the one who's loyal.

- You're pretty sharp yourself.
- No, I think you're right.

If Mary was the type to
break a date with Roy,

she might even break
a date with me, huh?

That's a possibility.

What actually made me mad was,

well, the remarks Mr. Sutton
made about my car.

Oh, I admit, he had no
reason to insult your car.

No, but, well, the
funny thing is, he's right.

What?

Well, I took the car
over to the mechanic,

and, well, he said the front
end needed, well, beefing up.

That's just what
Mr. Sutton said.

In fact, it's over there
being fixed right now.

When all's said and done,
Mr. Sutton's a remarkable man.

You know, Mike, when
all is said and done,

I'm beginning to agree with you.

Mike, just one question.

Who could eat a thing like that?

Are you kidding?

I eat two or three a day.

Hello?

This is Mrs. Stone
calling again.

Has Mrs. Adams come back yet?

You don't know
where I can reach her?

I see.

Well, ask her to call me
as soon as she comes in.

It's very important.

Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Hello, dear.

Now, let's dispense
with formalities.

- When's he leaving?
- Uncle Fred?

Who else? Did you tell him?

Well, I had a nice
long talk with him.

I see. You didn't tell him.

Oh, Alex, he's an old man.

Whatever he did, it
was only to help us.

Excuse me.

You know, Mike's outside,
and he called up and apologized.

Apologized? For what?

For being rude to Uncle
Fred. He thinks he's wonderful.

Uncle Fred? Why?

Daddy, there's no use
trying to explain him to you.

You just don't know
anything about hot rods.

Guess what! The
playground's open!

Already?

Well, I don't understand.
Who's supervising it?

Well, who do you
think? Mayor Webster!

- Mayor Webster?
- Mayor Webster?

Well, he had to, after
Uncle Fred blasted him.

What else could he
do? I'll see you later.

You know, there's
a certain dreamlike,

unreal quality about all this.

I confidently expect Mrs.
Adams to come to the door,

smiling, happy,
no longer fearful.

Oh, no, Alex, I
wouldn't count on that.

Well, after what's happened...

Mrs. Adams?

Well, Mrs. Adams, won't
you come in and sit down?

No, I think not.

Doctor, I hope you're satisfied.

Over at the playground, there
are thousands of little boys

trampling each other and
perspiring and screaming.

And who do you think is
right in the middle of them

at this very moment?

Timmy?

I have never seen him so
flushed and dirty and overheated.

Oh, please, Mrs. Adams,
you mustn't worry about him.

Worry? I've done
nothing but worry

since that uncle told
me those horrible things.

Oh, well, Mr. Sutton is
a very impulsive man.

I am not naive, Doctor.

You didn't fool me for a moment.
I knew you'd put him up to it.

Yes, I do worry.

And I'm gonna try
not to do it anymore.

But if anything
happens to Timmy,

I shall hold you
personally responsible.

Do you understand?

Yes, Mrs. Adams, I understand.

And, Doctor, in the future,

I hope you will be as honest
and forthright as Mr. Sutton.

Do you know if Uncle Fred were
alive in the old days of Salem,

he'd have been
burned as a witch?

Not our Uncle Fred. He'd
have got out of it somehow.

Well, I'm off.

I've got a few ruffled feathers
to soothe around town.

Uncle Fred, that
won't be necessary.

No, no.

At last report, everybody
thinks you're wonderful.

The mayor, Mike,
Mrs. Adams, everybody.

Well, now, isn't that a crime?

Just as the folks around
here come to their senses,

I've got to shove off.

- You're leaving?
- You're leaving?

Well, I've got to.

My phone call
finally came through.

Yep, the boys in the Windy
City finally ran out of gas.

I've got to catch a
plane for Chicago.

Right away?

Oh, but, Uncle Fred,

won't you at least stay
and have dinner with us?

The kids would
never forgive you.

A farewell dinner?

Sold!

Only, this has got to be
a real Congo-style dinner.

That means you stay
out of the kitchen, Donna.

I'm in charge.

Now, let me see, now.

There'll be ginger,

bamboo shoots, cinnamon bark.

Where can I get some ant eggs?

I don't mean the ordinary
kind. I mean the big red kind.

Never mind. I'll manage.

Ant eggs?

Well, I'll say one thing
for a Congo-style dinner.

You sure know you've
had something to eat.

I feel like I swallowed
a Cape buffalo.

Oh, I wish he could
have stayed a little longer.

He's only been gone a half
an hour, and I miss him already.

I know.

Everybody should
have an Uncle Fred.

We've been so lazy
and set in our ways

that sometimes it takes a
Cape buffalo to wake us up.

Think we'll ever
hear from him again?

Oh, don't you worry.

When you least expect it...

Excuse me, honey.

- Hello?
- Donna!

Uncle Fred!

We're in the air.

Just called to thank you and
the family for a bang-up time.

Well, it was
wonderful having you.

Say, I see your house.

I'll come on down
and wave goodbye.

No, don't do that,
Uncle Fred! Just say it!

You know me, honey.

One deed is worth
a thousand words.