The Donna Reed Show (1958–1966): Season 1, Episode 11 - The Baby Contest - full transcript

Oh, I forgot to tell you
the latest thing she did.

What was that?

Well, it was just this morning
while I was giving her her bath.

She was smiling up at me.

And I went, "Ugh," at her.

And you know what she did?

She went, "Ugh,"
right back at me.

Isn't that amazing?

Did you hear that, Miss Archer?

I heard it, but I
can't believe it.

At her age?



I swear it.

Maybe I can get
her to do it again.

Ugh.

Come on, honey.

Ugh.

She said it this
morning just as clear.

Well, you know, it
sometimes happens

that more advanced
babies get a little bored

if they have to
repeat themselves.

- More advanced, really?
- Uh-huh.

Excuse me, Alex,
I'm going down to...

- Oh, hi, darling.
- Oh, hi, Helen.

Hi, Donna.

Well, from the moment
she was born, I knew it.



But do you really think she's...

The very first moment I saw her,

I said to myself,
"Now, there's a baby."

You remember my
saying that, Miss Archer.

As though it were yesterday.

Oh, you know what
happened yesterday?

A salesman came to the door
and he saw Carol in her playpen.

He said she ought to be a model.

A professional model.

Well, she is lovely.

She's a regular little
safety pin-up girl.

So that's why I
might be a little late

to our committee meeting.

Oh, is she gonna
model something?

No, I'm having a picture taken.

The salesman represented
a photography studio.

I see.

I better run. Goodbye.

I'll see you at the
meeting, Helen.

And try to think up some
entertainment for the picnic.

What picnic?

Well, the Community
House picnic.

I told you a week ago.

You remember, Miss Archer.

Oh, as though it were yesterday.

I guess I just
forgot on purpose.

One thing you haven't forgotten

is how to bamboozle
the new mother.

I quote, "Now, there's a baby."

What did you
expect, an orangutan?

Have you ever seen a mother
who didn't think her child

was the smartest and
most beautiful in the world?

No, you haven't.

If I started telling
mothers that their children

were just normal,
average infants,

well, I might as
well close up shop

and go into the
used-car business.

Here I thought you were the
outspoken soul of integrity.

Oh, I am when it comes
to community picnics.

Now, we all know
I'm a jolly good fellow.

But this year, count me out of
the apple-bobbing contest, huh?

Yes, dear.

Also the egg and spoon, the
hoop rolling, and the hog calling.

Yes, dear. Your every
word is my command.

I'll enter you in
the potato race.

You'll what?

I call for the question.

All those in favor?

I'm glad you agree with me.
I'd hate to be the only one.

When you believe
in something strongly,

you have to take a firm stand.

14 ayes.

Opposed?

Two nays.

The motion is carried.

There will be pickles
in the potato salad.

We'll make our own
private bowl of potato salad

and stuff ourselves.

Donna, please.

Oh, I'm sorry, Shirley.

Margaret and I were
plotting a rebellion.

We're going to bring our own
potato salad without pickles.

Now, the next order of business
is the matter of entertainment.

Now, we'll have the usual
athletic events, of course...

The potato race, an
egg-and-spoon race,

and hoop rolling and so on.

But, well, it's been suggested
that we need something else.

Now, are there any suggestions?

Myra?

I suggest we have
a bridge tournament.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Everybody likes to play bridge.

Yes, but I'm not
sure it's practical.

What if it's windy?

Hi, girls.

Hi, Helen.

I'm awfully sorry
I'm late, Shirley.

Excuse me.

Have we started talking
about entertainment yet?

- Yes, we have.
- Well, I have a marvelous idea.

It just came to me
right out of the blue

as I was leaving
Dr. Stone's office.

Why don't we have
a baby contest?

That's a wonderful idea.

If we had the bridge
tournament and we put up a tent,

then it wouldn't
matter if it was windy.

Windy or not, I don't know
one card from another.

I move we have a baby contest.

I second the motion.

All those in favor?

It's unanimous.

The motion is carried.

Needless to say,
my Carol will be in it.

And I know several other
committee members have babies.

Excuse me.

I'm going to get
a drink of water.

What's wrong with Margaret?

Well, I think I can guess.

You've seen her
baby, haven't you?

Well, yes. Alex
takes care of him.

He's a fine baby.

Well, yes.

But he is rather homely.

Well, you know how
his ears stick out.

She's very
self-conscious about it.

Oh, that's silly.

I've never even noticed them.

Of course not.

She keeps a knitted
cap on him all the time.

Oh, she shouldn't
feel like that.

I know, but it's her first,
and she's so sensitive.

The next order of
business is picking a judge.

We can't have a baby
contest without a judge.

Nominations are now in order.

Well, there's only
one possible judge.

He knows more about
babies than anyone in town.

I nominate Dr. Alex Stone.

Oh, no. No.

I second the nomination.

Oh, Shirley, please.

Alex has never done
anything like this before.

I nominate Judge McClure.

Now, there's a man who's
had a lot of experience judging.

He's been on the bench 40 years.

Donna, he's a bachelor.

What does he know about babies?

Order, order, please! Girls!

Now, Judge McClure
has been nominated.

Is there a second?

I second the nomination.

You can't second
your own nomination.

Oh.

Well, in that case, I
nominate Harry Meade.

Who?

Harry Meade.

Now, there's a man who
really understands children.

He has 10 of his own.

I've never heard of
him. What does he do?

Well, he's a mechanic
in our garage.

All right, Harry Meade
has been nominated.

Is there a second?

Is there a second?

I move we make it
unanimous for Dr. Stone.

I second the motion.

Shirley, please.

Alex would be very
flattered by all of this.

But he's a very busy doctor,
and he just doesn't have the time.

Now, how long does it
take to judge a baby contest?

Five minutes.

My husband's a busy contractor.

And he's taking time to
put up the decorations.

My David's printing the programs
and footing the bill himself.

In order to make an
event like this a success,

everybody has to contribute.

Yes, I know, but...

I thought Alex would be more
interested in the community.

Oh, he is.

Donna, you can talk him into it.

It has been moved and seconded

to make it unanimous
for Dr. Stone.

All in favor?

It's unanimous.

The motion is carried.

Here are Daddy's
slippers, Mommy.

Oh, thank you, dear.

Mommy, don't you think Daddy

might be just a
little bit suspicious?

Suspicious of what?

The last time you
took him his slippers,

you were gonna tell him
about the dented fender.

What is it this time?

Mary, I don't like being
cross-examined like that.

Now, if I want to pamper
Daddy, that's no concern of yours.

We had lamb curry
for dinner tonight.

And I don't like lamb curry,
but it's Daddy's favorite dinner.

So?

So, maybe he isn't
suspicious, but I sure am.

Lamb curry.

It sure was good, wasn't it?

Yeah.

The last time we had it, your
mother had dented a fender.

You don't think she's
dented another one, do you?

No.

No, that's silly.

But if she comes in
here with my slippers,

I'm going to have
a look at the car.

I'll get it.

Dr. Stone speaking.

Oh, yes, just a minute.

For you, my friend.
Betty Jane Osbourne.

Boy, I tell you, Pop, you sneer
at girls, and they come running.

Hello, Betty Jane.

Oh, yes, I guess I'm still
free to go to the picnic.

Oh, you're gonna bring your
portable radio, aren't you?

Oh, that's good.

We're gonna watch
what baby contest?

He is?

Are you sure?

Oh, you're kidding.

Bye. See you at the picnic.

What was that all about?

Well, she says
her little brother's

gonna be in a baby contest
and that you're gonna judge it.

Oh, that's ridiculous.
Where did she get that idea?

Her mother's on the committee.

And she said that they
picked you this afternoon.

I see.

You know, it's funny.
Mom didn't mention it.

Jeff, I think you'd better
do your homework upstairs.

Well, what's wrong
with down here?

It's too noisy.

Oh, it's not noisy at all.

It will be. Upstairs.

Oh.

I get you.

You're gonna have a
little father-mother talk.

I brought you your coffee, dear.

Oh, how sweet of you, dear.

And your slippers.

Slippers, well.

I'm not used to being
indulged like this.

Any special reason?

Well, of course there is.

You're a wonderful
husband and father.

And every once in a while, you
deserve some special attention.

There.

Oh, darling, my sock is a
little wrinkled... the left one.

There you are. Is that better?

Mm-hmm, very comfy.

Oh, I think I left my
pipe over on the desk.

Would you, please?

Of course, dear.

Matches.

Oh, I think there are
some over on the desk.

No, I don't think
I've quite got it.

Smoke bother you, dear?

No, not at all. I love it.

Now, are you sure
you're quite comfortable?

A pillow might be
nice, if you don't mind.

Of course not, dear.

Yeah, yeah, that's better.

Do you know what you are?

A wonderful husband and father
who deserves special attention?

A sneaky husband and father

who's pretending he doesn't
know about the baby contest.

Who was the town crier?

Betty Jane Osbourne.

And how did you
get me into this?

Oh, honey, I
fought like a tiger.

But all the girls were telling
about their husbands...

How much time they
were going to give,

how much they were going to do.

Well, you just started to
sound like a draft dodger.

Which would you rather have,

a live draft dodger or
a dead pediatrician?

Every mother who loses
is gonna turn into a sniper.

And that means
every mother but one.

Oh, Alex, they all know it's
just part of the entertainment.

I hope you have a good time

while I'm being ridden
out of town on a rail.

Stop it. Now, what
sensible, intelligent woman

is going to take a
baby contest seriously?

I'll get it.

Well, hello, Mrs.
Sterling. Come in.

Hi, Doctor. Hey, Donna.

- Hello, Ruth.
- I can only stay a minute.

Dr. Stone, I can't tell
you how thrilled we are

that you're judging
this baby contest...

Me and my husband and,
of course, little Rose Marie.

And, you know, this morning,

I was baking a pineapple
upside-down cake.

And I said to myself,

"Say, why don't I bake
one for Dr. Stone, too?"

You're a creature of
impulse, Mrs. Sterling.

Hello?

Oh, yes, Patty.

Oh, yes, we do need contestants.

Oh, I'll ask him.

Patty Green wants to know

if you'd like to be
her baby's godfather.

Oh, the upside-down cake
was delicious, Mrs. Sterling.

I ate myself into a stupor.

Yes, well, thank
you for phoning.

Oh, yes, I'll see you
at the baby contest.

All right, Mrs.
Sterling. Goodbye.

Oh, good afternoon, Doctor.

Hello, Mrs. Cooper. How are you?

Oh, we're just perfect.
Aren't we, honey?

Absolutely perfect.

Did you have an
appointment, Mrs. Cooper?

I thought you were in at
the beginning of the week.

Oh, I did.

But I was just putting up some
kumquat preserves this morning.

And I said to myself, "Why
don't I take some to Dr. Stone?"

Thank you, Mrs. Cooper.

I don't know when I've
had kumquat preserve.

Hi, Mary.

- Hello, Donna.
- Hi, Myra.

Mary, you're getting
prettier every day.

You keep on, and you'll be
as beautiful as your mother.

Thank you.

I just dropped by
to bring you this.

Oh, what is it?

Potato salad without pickles.

Oh, Myra, how thoughtful of you.

Since you prefer
it without pickles,

I assume that
Dr. Stone does, too.

Well, yes, he does.
Won't you sit down?

No, I can't stay. Tell
him I hope he enjoys it.

I must be off. Tomorrow's
the big day, you know.

Yes, I do know.

The baby bunting shop just
got in some polka-dot diapers.

I thought my Barbara

would look adorable
in them for the contest.

Well, I guess polka
dots are coming back.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye, Myra.

One bowl of bribe
without pickles.

You know those reasonable,
intelligent women you spoke of

who wouldn't take a
baby contest seriously?

Oh, don't tell me.

Kumquat preserves.

Kumquat preserves?

Oh, no.

Mother just got a bowl of
potato salad without pickles.

Do you know that I got
an invitation to the picnic

from a 12-year-old?

I don't suppose there are
any babies in the family?

Oh, how did you guess, Daddy?

Hi, everybody!

Hi, Jeff.

Do you know who
you see before you?

I seem to remember
you from somewhere.

You see a man whose
affections have been trifled with.

Do you know why Betty Jean
wants to go to the picnic with me?

She wants her little brother
to win the baby contest.

Big surprise.

You know what I'm
going to do tomorrow?

I'm going to examine
every baby very carefully.

Then I'll step up
to the microphone,

look out at all the
proud mothers and say,

"Ladies, your babies
all have rickets."

You'd better be
wearing your track shoes.

That won't be necessary.
We'll move to another state.

Hey, Dad, I saw
Mrs. Lang drive up.

Oh, fine.

Margaret Lang?

Jeff, are you sure?

Well, sure, I'm sure. She
had her baby with her.

Potato salad, pineapple
upside-down cake,

kumquat preserves.

Mrs. Lang is gonna have
to go some to top that.

Margaret Lang.

Now, she doesn't
seem to be the type.

Well, Mrs. Lang.

How are you and that
marvelous boy of yours?

Oh, just fine.
Thank you, Doctor.

Good, good. That's grand.

Looking forward to
the big day, I suppose?

The big day? Oh.

Oh, you mean tomorrow.

Yes, tomorrow.

Well, that'll be a big
day for you, I'm sure.

Well, there's one consolation.

I won't have to be
in the potato race.

Well, my husband
doesn't care very much

for potato races, either.

How does he feel
about baby contests?

I don't know. I've
never asked him.

Hi, Margaret.

Oh, hi, Donna.

I brought you some
potato salad without pickles.

Oh, no, thanks, I couldn't.

I've been sampling my own.

Hello, Jimmy.

Oh, isn't he darling?

Margaret, he's just adorable.

Excuse me, Mrs. Lang.

I don't want to seem rude.

But did you just
drop in to say hello?

Why, no. I have an appointment.

You have an appointment?

Why, yes, Doctor.

It's on your calendar...
His regular checkup.

Didn't you notice it?

Oh, Mrs. Lang, you have no
idea how happy I am to see you.

Isn't it customary to
make an appointment?

Yes, of course, but lately we've
had a very large drop-in trade,

getting ready for
the baby contest.

- Oh.
- Without pickles.

Oh, thank you.

Are you entering
Jimmy in the contest?

No, I don't think so.

I mean, what's the point, Donna?

Right you are.

Well, I don't agree.

This is a community enterprise.

Everybody ought to participate.

But, Donna, Jimmy
wouldn't stand a chance.

That baby wouldn't
stand a chance?

Oh, Margaret, you're joking.

Alex, what was it you said
the first time you saw him?

Me?

You remember.

Oh, yes. I said,
"Now, there's a baby."

Now, you see.

Look at those blue
eyes and that chin.

But, Donna, what about his ears?

Well, they're nice
and large, aren't they?

Don't you wish you
had ears like that?

You know, Margaret,
there's an old saying,

"Beauty is in the
eyes of the beholder."

Now, I behold your baby.

And I tell you he's beautiful.

Are you going to say he's not?

All right, you can
dress him now.

Donna, are you saying

I should enter
Jimmy in the contest?

Well, why not?

Alex may not win
the potato race.

But he's certainly going
to be in there trying.

Jimmy's fine, Mrs. Lang.

No problems at all.

Margaret, should we
put the cap back on?

No.

No, it's pretty warm today.

I don't think he needs it.

All right.

I'll see you soon.

Bye-bye. Goodbye, Doctor.

- Goodbye, Mrs. Lang.
- Bye.

Wait a minute.

What are you trying to do to me?

Excuse me, dear.
I'll talk to you later.

I don't know which
one I like the best.

Oh, it's a hard choice.

They're all pretty cute.

Well, sir.

Isn't Margaret a
dear? I just love her.

And look at the baby.

So adorable.

So homely.

Fine baby.

Thank you, Doctor.

Did you notice the curl?

You did a beautiful job, dear.

It's a natural curl.

Mother, they're looking
daggers at each other.

What happens to women
when they become mothers?

It's a long story, dear.

Let's just hope
Daddy can be a judge

without having to be a referee.

Did you ever see such dimples?

Fine baby.

Guess what she said
in her bath this morning.

She said, "Dr. Stone."

And she said it just as clear.

You think she can say it now?

Well, you know what
you said about babies

that are more advanced,
how repetition bores them.

That's Carol.

Fine baby.

Mommy, Daddy isn't
going to say that awful thing,

"Ladies, your babies
all have rickets," is he?

Of course not.

Daddy wouldn't
say a thing like that.

What if he does?

Start running. We'll all
meet at the bus station.

Ladies, your babies...

Daddy!

They all have so many charms,

I wish I could give a
cup to every one of them.

However, since we
have only one cup,

there can be only one winner.

So I will now ask
Mrs. Margaret Lang

to step this way.

Congratulations, Mrs. Lang.

Doctor, I'm...

This is more than...

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Margaret!

Wonderful choice.

He's so cute!

Donna, that marvelous
husband of yours.

Who else would have thought
of picking Margaret's baby?

It's just going to
do wonders for her.

I bet we never see Jimmy
in that silly cap again.

This town's lucky to have
a man like your husband.

Oh, believe me,

he considers himself very
lucky to be able to stay here.

Excuse me. I want
to congratulate him.

Well, this is nice.

Oh, darling, you've earned it.

Oh, right you are.

You know, when I was in
the Army under shot and shell,

through muck and mire,

I thought no experience
could ever be more horrible.

I was wrong.

Take comfort in the fact that
20 mothers have phoned me,

every one saying how
wonderful your choice was.

My choice?

Well, I may have
dropped a hint or two.

A hint?

Darling, when you drop a hint,

it's like dropping
a 10-ton weight

off of a 20-story building.

What's this?

Just putting on your slippers.

Any special reason?

Darling?

You know all those phone calls?

Uh-huh.

Everybody wants to make
the baby contest a yearly event.