The Dessert (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Bulls, Milk & Pizza - full transcript

I'm flossing! I'm flossing!

Yeah, you're actually
kind of good at that.

Bella, hello! Check this out.

Uh... Oh, yeah, cool.
Good stuff, guys.

Bella, what's wrong?

It's my head.

I think my soft
spot's coming back.

- What?

Jesus!

Don't you have to see
a doctor or something?

- What are you doing?



I gotta "poppa da dent out,"
like my dad used to say.

- What was he, Italian?
- No, close... Jamaican.

- Gotcha.
- Wait, wait, I got an idea.

Hey, can you, like...

squeeze my head really hard,
like you're popping a pimple

- and pop it back out?
- Yes, 100%.

I just feel like it's sinking
into my brain more now.

Okay, it's not. You're fine.

- Um, geez... like this?

No, you're pushing!
You need to squeeze.

Squeeze harder!

- Get the dent.
- I'm trying!

Shane, can you come
give it a stab?

Get outta here. Gimme that!



Ohh, yeah! That's
a good squeeze!

That's a good fuckin' squeeze.

Oh, it feels good for me, too.

Come on, you gotta
poppa da dent out!

What do you think I'm doing?

Oh, you're taking
me to Squeeze Town!

Much better. Much better.

Yeah. Hey, woo-whoop!

Check this out.

- You're so good at that.
- Yeah!

I'm doin' it!

This is the
story of the greatest coach

to ever grace the hardwood.

With more championship rings
than fingers on his hands,

this is Phil Jackson:
The Zen Master.

I should have brought my rings.

Phil?

God, he was more than
a coach, you know?

He was a mentor.

- Play ball!

Okay, they're already playing.
Okay, let's go, Bulls!

Oh, you missed that
one. That's okay.

People call me the
greatest of all time.

The GOAT.

I don't know about
that, but Phil,

he was the greatest
coach of all time.

Bulls, go Bulls!

Without a doubt,
without a doubt.

Air ball!

Aaand, gimme that!

That went on, though. Good
one, Jordan, continue.

Play ball, play
ball. Go, Bulls!

You thought I was wild?
He was the wild one.

Rodman, Rodman, Rodman!

Pass to me, pass to me,
pass to me, pass to me!

Play, play ball. Play
ball.

He was like a mad scientist,

but more mad than scientist.

Defence, da-da-do,
defence, boom-boom.

Let's go in... And,
okay, you got it!

Unconventional? I guess
you could say that.

-Wag your tongue
like a dog. Wag it!

I didn't care if my tactics
were unorthodox, though.

I knew, controversial or not,
I always planned for success.

Is that messing you up?
Do you not like that?

I'll leave you alone.

What would my legacy
look like without Phil?

Lemme put it this way...

Bad.

Dribble it, dribble it,
bounce it, give it to J-Bone!

- Who's J-Bone?
- Jordan!

No one calls him that.

Well, you knew who I meant!

Pippen, now, he was
a really good player.

-Pippen, really good.

Jordan? Oh my.

He was a really,
really good player.

-And, yes! Ha-ha!
Really, really good.

Give it to him. Two
points... for us!

And Rodman?

Well, he was our rebound guy.

-Worm man! Rebound.

Always on your toes.

He was a tyrant.

But dammit if it didn't pay off.

Hey! Hey, hey, two of those.

One time I had gone
up to him to say hi...

and it wasn't him.

He had hired a man
that looked like him

and he introduced
himself as Bill Jackson.

Not Phil, Bill Jackson.

And he got away with it too!

Phil was a master motivator.

-Are you a bouncer guy,
too? You can bounce it?

He knew exactly what to
say at the right time

to get the most
out of everybody.

Hey, is that Eugene Levy?

Oh-ho, I'm better than you!

I'm way older than
you, and I'm better.

The way he was with
the coaching staff?

It was magical.

-See Jordan? Should
we ask him to score?

-What's that guy's name
in the middle there?

Not the big guy that
I hate... that guy.

Bulls! Go, Bulls!

Quick anecdote.

Game was on the line.

Two seconds on the clock.

I said, "Give it to Jordan."

We won that game.

Ugh, I effing
need this night out.

Tell me about it.

Who do you think's
gonna be there tonight?

-Oh, well, definitely Jake
because he's a big suck-up.

Knock-knock, who's
ready to party?

There you are. We
gotta get going.

Wait... why are you
guys dressed like that?

Uh, it's a Halloween
party. Duh!

No, I mean like with
the huge tits and stuff.

You're joking, right?

-You have to know what
this costume is, Jodie.

-Oh my God, she's not joking.

- We're Grandma Milkbags!
- Yeah, Grandma Milkbags.

I'm actually Sexy
Grandma Milkbags.

Holy shit, she's never
heard of Grandma Milkbags.

Do you live on the fucking Moon?

Okay, can someone just tell me

what the hell
Grandma Milkbags is?

Just the most popular show
on the fucking planet, Jodie.

Okay, so it's a TV show?

Yeah! Grandma Milkbags!

She's like... insane.

She'll fuck anybody.

- Huh?
- It's Canadian.

But also, she has
huge fucking honkers.

- Okay, I'm confused.

So they call this lady
"Grandma Milkbags"?

- Isn't that kind of mean?
- No, no, no.

It's what she likes.
She wants that!

I'm like shocked that
you've never heard of it.

Can we just go? We're
gonna be so late, guys.

Wait, wait, wait,
I don't know if I wanna

go out with you guys
dressed like that.

Everyone's gonna
think you're nuts.

You think so, huh?

-Um, yes. Kind of.

Hey, Deborah, what are
you wearing tonight?

Um, a
Grandma Milkbags costume?

- What kind of...

See? Do you not trust me?

Of course I trust you. You're
my fucking life, Angie.

Let's just go to the
party and drop this, okay?

No, no, no. Listen.

Grandma Milkbags.

Grandma... Milk... Bags.

Okay, yes, I understand,
I get it, let's go.

Grandma Milkbags...

Grandma Milkbags.

Grandma Milkbags...

Okay, you guys are fucking
scaring me right now.

- Grandma Milkbags, Jodie.
- Can you...

- Grandma Milkbags!
- Grandma...

- Guys, stop.
- Grandma Milkbags...

You're hitting me
with your nipples.

- Grandma Milkbags.
- Grandma Milkbags.

Grandma Milkbags...

- Guys, stop it, please!
- Grandma...

- Milk...
- Bags...

Do you not trust me, Jodie?

I'll watch it!

I'll watch every single
season, I promise!

- Get out of my face!

Can you girls keep it down?

Now, that's a Grandma Milkbags!

Who?

The Zen Master.

What was coming to mind
when you think of Phil?

Uh, cool, calm, zen.

Total, uh, control.

Idiots. Get the
fuck away from me.

Are you drunk? You drunk?

You're out of bounds, Pippen!

I, uh, once watched
him coach a game

and he was wearing
those big glasses

that make it look like your
eyes are open when they're not,

and he was, uh, sleeping.

They won by 40 points that game.

What's going on here now?

Yes, Jordan! Ha!

I was a student of the game.

That's what it all came down to.

Learning, absorbing
the decades of strategy

that every coach before me
already experimented with.

Like if Rodman wanted to
shoot a three, I'd say,

"Maybe let Kerr do that."

Yes, give it to him!

Hey, shoot that three.

And... yes!

- Hurray!
- There we go!

Good three-pointer!

Look at me shoot that three.

It's worth three
points, and good job.

Three claps for me.

But if Kerr wanted to
get a rebound, I'd say,

"Remember when Rodman let
you shoot that three?"

Then of course
Kerr would oblige.

Sometimes it felt like
he didn't even know

what he was doing.
Pretty cool.

I know I'm Michael Jordan,

but Phil never
pandered to the stars.

You're cut, Jordan.
I'm kidding.

Best player on the team.

Best player in the world.

Everyone was equal to Phil.

Kerr? Kerr, Kerr...

Kukoc? You're doin' it.

Kukoc, now, that's
a... That's a mouthful.

Getting his name right, that
was, uh, that was hard enough.

There you go, Kuky!

But I knew that he
could score sometimes.

They had just beaten Reggie.

I go up to shake his hand
and he says, "Ha ha ha,

"my team is better than yours!

"I'm better than your brother!"

Then he moonwalks away, but
it wasn't even a moonwalk.

He kind of shuffled his feet
backwards and called it a day.

Phil's sense
of humour is deep.

Uh, you've gotta
kinda hang around him

to kind of get to
know him, but, uh...

our little family
within the locker room,

we got to know each
other very well,

and we really
appreciated Phil's humour

because he made us
laugh all the time.

I like to keep things light.

Unless it's the championship.

Then I'm a bit of a hard-ass.

Phil, uh, Phil was, uh...

Yeah, he lost his composure.

A couple times.

No! No! No!

Oh, fuck, we fucked up.
Somebody passed to Luc.

Fuck, no! No!

Luc...

I don't even wanna talk
about that asshole.

-Gimme that! Pow!

Ball. Nice pass, asshole.

Phil kicked the
ball really well.

See this ball? Pretend
it's a hot potato.

And if, heaven forbid, you
find the potato in your hand,

you give it to
literally anyone else!

And don't worry, all the other
good guys in this scenario,

they're wearing oven mitts

so they can handle the
heat of the potato.

You understand the words
comin' outta my mouth?

I honestly can't talk about him.

It makes me mad just
thinking about him.

Run it again.

Fuck!

He was big, but he was ugly.

The only thing uglier
than him was his game.

That's
a little joke.

You can keep that in.

You can show that to
Luc if you see him.

No, but I really hate him.

-Yeah, okay, last play,
and then we're gonna, uh,

hit the showers.

Including me. Just kidding.

Was Phil Jackson a good coach?

No. No.

And another one
for you, my lady.

Ooh, I wonder what it is!

Oh my gosh, Kevin,
these are beautiful.

I love them so
much. Thank you!

- Now one for you!
- Mm-hm?

This one.

I just thought maybe
it would help with...

What I do in the bathroom
is my business, Cloe.

- This gift sucks ass!

Kevin, please, you're
making yourself sick!

Bullshit!

I'll show you
making myself sick.

Kevin! Kevin, just read it!

Kevin, no, no!

Kevin, don't eat
that soap in there!

Too late!
You stressed me out.

Kevin, open up!

Just read it, okay? For me?

Tastes so fuckin' good...

I can hear you
eating soap in there!

Kevin, come on, open up!

Just read it, won't you?

Oh, I'm reading it, alright.

Very interesting!

You're so stubborn.
It's Christmas morning!

Stop eating soap? Make
me, you fucking book!

Kevin, open
this door right now!

You're just like your mother!

- You're pregnant?
- That's right.

We're having a baby, you
soap-eating son of a bitch.

I'm gonna be a dad.

Kevin!

I'm busy!

The Zen Master.

Throw it around.

One time, he coached a
game from the stands.

Didn't talk to anybody and
just ate three hot dogs.

Plain. No ketchup.

And they still won by 45 points.

What a guy! Ha-ha!

There's squares,
there's rectangles,

but triangles?

Where do I come up
with this stuff?

I'll tell you where...

My brain.

I have a smarter brain
than most people.

Which makes me smart.

He did all the little things.

Pushed us out of
our comfort zone.

Dribble, dribble, back
and forth, back and forth!

He gave us room to breathe.
Extremely hands-off.

Shoot it, shoot it,
shoot it, shoot it!

And... yup! It's
okay, you can miss.

Phil had this calm about him.

I'm gonna pretend to guard
you. Pants down, nope!

All the intensity,

the bravado around the game,

it floated over him.

Luc, D me up. I'm
going for a layup.

Psych! Hey! Hi, Mom!

Oh, my mom's here!

Boom goes the dynamite.

I invented that, you know.

That viral video clip?

That was me who
came up with that.

He cried a lot.

Big crier, Phil Jackson.

If they lost, he would cry
for sure, but if they won,

most of the time, too.

He wasn't gonna
make it easy for us...

but we had faith in
him to get it done.

Ever see a master chef at work?

Somehow taking all
these ingredients

and magically combining
them into a gourmet meal?

That was Phil.

I still don't know
how he did it.

And not just with the
Bulls, but the Lakers, too?

Yes, okay, give it to Kobe!

Kobe Bryant! Now,
Kobe, grab it, yeah.

Give it to Shaq. Shaq got it!

I really found that having
all the best players

in the world made coaching
a heck of a lot easier.

-Yes, just like that!

Lemme let you in on a little s.

In the game of basketball,

the team that scores
the most baskets

is probably gonna win the game.

Well, theoretically speaking,
a team could score 90 baskets

and another team could
score 86 baskets,

but if the 90 baskets are only
one-pointers, free throws,

and the 86 baskets
were three-pointers,

then the team with 90 baskets
would only have 90 points

and the team with 86
would have 258 points.

I actually saw that
happen before, you know.

The other day. I even
filmed it on my iPhone.

I'd show it to you, but
my phone ran out of space

and I had to delete it.

True story.

How many turkey
legs did you guys eat?

Because they just kept
dropping them in front of me,

so I just kept eating
them and eating them.

- Oh, it was so good!
- I know, I couldn't stop.

I know!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa! Guys, guys, guys!

- Guys!
- What?

Look who that is!

The Red Knight!

Whoa, it is!

Oh, we have to get
him to party with us.

Oh my God, that
would be hilarious.

- Yeah, let's go!
- Wait, wait.

I don't know, I don't
know if we should do that.

- Why?
- Look at him.

So?

I've heard those knights
party really hard.

He's not a real knight,
he's just an actor!

Probably a totally normal guy.

- Okay.
- Yes!

Mister, uh, Red Knight, sir?

Can I help you?

Um, we were wondering if, uh,
you know, if you wanna party.

Like, you know, with us?

Well, I was thinking about
heading back to my place to...

unwind, if you know what I mean.

You and your friends
are welcome to join me.

Really?! Wait, you sure?

Sure. Come on.

Follow me.

Wait, guys, I don't like that.
Maybe we should just stay here.

Stop it.

I told you, he's
not a real knight.

Yeah, seriously, let's go!

What's the worst
that could happen?

Jesus, okay.

So today
I'm shopping for a new bra,

which as you can
imagine, for these girls,

is not as easy as it sounds!

Good morning.
You must be Mrs. Milkbags.

You can go ahead
and call me Grandma Milkbags

- like everybody else.
Mm-hm!

That's right,
my bosoms were begging me

to get them a new holder.

Thanks again for the pizza, man.

- No problem.
- Yeah, man, thanks.

Grandma
always delivers!

First of all,
my name is Benjamin.

Pleasure to meet you both.

- I love this show.
- I've never seen it before.

Oh, no? How are you liking it?

It's not bad!

Yeah, it's really good.

I'm a
lover, not a fighter.

But Kitty, Kitty'll claw
your goddamn eyes out.

Your bust. Like,
your chest measurements.

Are you
talking about my bosoms?

Hey, you were really
good today, by the way.

- Hm, totally.
- Oh, yeah?

- Mm-hm!
- Thanks.

Oh, wow,
that's quite large!

How long have you
been a knight for?

I don't know, a couple
months, I guess.

Hmm, cool.

Who knows,

maybe I'll be able
to help you out...

- Man, this show's crazy.
- Totally.

- How old is she?
- Guys, please.

- Sorry.

Grandma Milkbags,
please, I could lose my job!

You could
lose your drawers,

or I'll lose them for you!

We were back there, I
guess, about 30, 40 minutes.

Where's the, um, bathroom?

Oh, around the
corner, second door.

Cool, thanks.

Very rough
sex in the back room!

You're gonna have
to deal with my cookies...

Was I
expecting it? No.

Did I enjoy it? Very much.

That
Grandma Milkbags,

she'll fuck anybody.

But he did eventually
help her pick out

a wonderful bra afterwards.

Bye, Benjamin!

Kitty, behave!

Let's just
say it was very good,

and I'm glad we had that sex!

Now, after all
those back room antics,

- I'd built up an appetite.

- Nothing satisfies
Grandma Milkbags

after a day of shopping
and intercourse

like a big, old carton of
2%. Grandma like milky!

Go get me a shopping cart there.

What do you need
a shopping cart for?

We're just getting a
little old carton of milk.

So there's this guy

just standing there
blocking me from my milk!

Did I mention
Grandma like milky?

- I miss anything?
- Nope, you're all good.

She's just looking for milk
and that guy won't help her.

Oh, awesome.

A second?

How about less than a
second, as in right now?

Help a grandma out!

Hey, I'm getting
another one of these.

- You good?
- I'm good, yeah.

Actually, we should probably
head out soon, guys.

We got that, uh, team-building
thing in the morning.

- Oh!
- Oh, true.

Oh no, that sucks. Let's
finish this episode.

No, he's right.

We should probably
call it a night, guys.

Hey, maybe we should
call you a knight!

- All good, all good.

Well, thanks for hanging out,
and very nice meeting you all.

Thanks for having us!
And thanks for the pizza.

- Yeah!
- Yeah, absolutely.

Don't even mention
it. My treat.

Hey, man, it was
nice meeting you.

Ooh, you go, Grandma!

- We'll see you around?
- Yeah.

- Totally.

- Bye!
- See ya.

Thanks, see you later!

Okay, bye!

Be safe.

Uh-oh, there's
that look again!

Chug this milk, you bad boy!

It was
actually really good!

I'm lactose
and intolerant!

I wouldn't have
thought I'd enjoy sex

- with Grandma so much.

But guess what? I did!

That Grandma
Milkbags will fuck anybody!

Cheque, please!

I think I left my phone.

Oh! Thought you
just missed me.

Got it?

Yeah, thanks again.

- Alright.
- Yeah.

- Till we meet again.
- Yeah, absolutely.

Milkbags.