The Dessert (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Popcorn, Sausages & Bananas - full transcript

Dude, check this out.

Whoa!

We almost just kissed on the.

Oh my God, whoops!

Aww!

You guys are a cute couple.

Oh, no...

We're not a couple.
We're just friends.

Oh.

But you just kissed on the lips.

Oh, no, he was just gonna
show me a meme on his phone



and I turned and he was
closer than I thought he was,

so our lips almost
touched, but they didn't.

Yeah. Completely accidental.

Not at all a kiss.

-Yeah, we think being a
couple would be great.

You know, I'm a liberal.
But we're not gay, so...

-Yeah, because I go around
kissing my friends on lips

who I'm not in love
with and aren't dating.

We didn't kiss!

-Yes, you did. I
got it on video.

Look.

Whoa... What?

I guess we... did kiss?

I... love you?



Yeah, I... love you too.

What a beautiful couple.

Honey? It happened again.

Shots, shots,
shots, shots, shots!

Condom,
shmondom, who gives a fuck?

Dude...

Did you just put a
pill in your ear?

And swallow your AirPod?

No...!

What, do I look like the
world's biggest idiot?

Show me your ear, then.

Fine.

See? No pill.

You just pushed it further in.

-You know that can cause
significant damage, right?

You can go deaf.

What?

-I'd be more worried about
swallowing an AirPod...

I didn't swallow my AirPod!

But if I had, which I haven't...

- I hear something.

Sounds like...
Imagine Dragons.

Imagine Dragons?
That band sucks.

-You just swallowed an AirPod?

Those things have
batteries in them.

-That face!

That's the same
stupid face you made

when you swallowed it
in the first place.

I didn't swallow my AirPod and
put a pill in my ear, okay?

Duh!

And... this is my stop.

So, um, thank you all for
your concern and everything

but, um, I'm fine!

Siri, call the fucking hospital!

All nurses
to the nurses station...

I don't know
if I can do this.

Is it too late to cancel?

Okay, Kevin, stop being a baby.

It's just like getting a cavity.

- Yeah, for my balls!
- Kevin!

Woop!

Are you all done
filling out those forms?

Yup, thank you.

-Oh, are we putting
your wife down

as your emergency contact?

Sorry, he's just
a little nervous.

You can put me
down. My name's...

No!

Kevin, we went over this.

This is a vasecto-me,
not a vasecto-us.

- Okay...
- I want that guy.

Uh, we don't usually
recommend using a stranger

who is also getting the
same procedure done as you

to be your emergency contact.

Him. I want him.

You know what?

As long as he stops
putting babies inside me,

- I don't give a shit.
- Hmm?

And put him down for me.

Oh, and nurse?

We'll be getting
our vasectomies...

together.

Let the doctor know.

It's okay.

I'm scared too, but
we're gonna be fine.

- Ow, fuck!

Ow!

- Fuck!
- Oh, does it hurt?!

It fucking kills!

- Ow!

Fuck, fuck, fuck you, Cloe!

Are those my balls?

- Are those my balls?!

Oh, God, that's
fucking disgusting!

I can't do this,
man! I can't do this!

Don't worry, don't
worry, it's not that bad.

- Oh, fuck you!

Doctor, we're losing
him! Nurse, paddle!

Jordan, don't you die
on me! Jordan, wake up!

- No!

Wake up!

Well, that just about does it.

You guys are officially snipped.

Phew!

Well, we can finally
come in our wives.

We can and we will.

Evening, folks.

This is your captain speaking.

I'd like to ask for everyone
to please remain in their seats

- while I address a quick issue.
- Oh, what now?

I'm sure it's fine.

So, uh,

all my instruments up here are
saying I had a perfect landing

but, uh, I actually didn't
hear any claps from the cabin.

So, yeah, I think I'm just gonna
go ahead and take her up again,

loop around, and see if we
can't do better the second time.

Oh my God.

Excuse me, stewardess?

Are we actually
taking off again?

We are ignoring you
because of what you did

in the bathroom, sir.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Thanks. Seatbelts!

Seatbelts, buckle up...

Hey, what's this guy's problem?

Don't touch me!

No,
this is unacceptable!

Come on! MAN 3: Ugh...

And when we
went through security,

they tried to take it from me,

so I kept it with me the entire
time on the whole flight.

- And...

Hey, Judith.
Sorry we're late!

Hey!

Oh, whoa, whoa,
whoa, who's this?

Hi, sorry, this is Roger.

My ex was supposed
to watch him today

but she bailed last
minute. I hope it's okay?

Um...

It's fine, but just don't
let him wreck anything, okay?

Oh, he would never,
would you, good boy?

Okay, so
as I was saying,

this Faberge egg has been in
my family for generations.

It's as fragile as
it is priceless.

Oh, Judith,
it is stunning.

I know it is.

And that's why everybody
had better be super careful

- around it.

Judith, uh, how long
have you lived here?

Oh, um, about a year.

We really like the neighbourhood

and the Walk Score is
really, really good,

but if you really
hate walking, then...

The only thing I don't really
like about this neighbourhood

is the traffic. I
should have voted for...

Hey, look, John's
doing a squirrel trick!

Got any nuts?

Mail's here!

Check out this
dog porno I found.

-Whoa, awesome!

Anybody
order some mailman?

 

- Weird!
- Fuck you.

No, my egg!

I must be allergic
to that damn dog!

I'm so sorry.

Get that fucking dog outta here!

Come on, let's go. Bad dog.

Very bad dog!

Out!

Oh, hi, Judith. How
was your weekend?

-Hi. It was good.

I tried wakeboarding.

-Oh, the lake must
have been beautiful.

-Yeah, yeah, it was.

- Hey, Laverne?
- Yeah?

I don't... want to be rude,

but I think your hands
are covered in shit.

- Oh,
just one of those days.

You know the ones.

Uh, yeah. Totally.

- Oh, thanks.

-Mm-hm.

Are you gonna use soap or not?

Hmm, not.

Laverne, your hands
are covered in shit.

And so, what else?

You think I'm some kind
of weirdo who deserves

minimal respect just because my
hands aren't as clean as yours?

-No. Didn't say that.

-Huh. Interesting.

You ever wonder what
the world would be like

if we all just cared a little
bit less about what people did

in their personal time?

Is that so crazy to think about?

What the hell are
you talking about?

You know, Judith,
you come in here

and you make me
feel all insecure

just because you had a
different upbringing than me.

Maybe I never had a mom to
teach me how to wash my hands,

fingers, and thumbs.

Maybe I never had a dad to
teach me how to wipe properly

instead of just kind of
messing around down there

and being like, "Jesus Christ,
what the hell is going on?"

Okay, Laverne!

I wasn't trying to
psychoanalyze you.

It's just that you're gonna
be walking around an office

where like 25 people work
getting your shit everywhere!

All over the doorknobs,
the computer mouse,

the coffee pot. It's gross.

Plus it's chicken
wing and popcorn day.

Let me guess. You're
a saint, right?

No, that's not what
I'm saying at all.

Not everybody gets
to go wakeboarding

on the weekends, Judith.

Some of us don't work to
live, we live to work.

I bet you never knew that I
slept at the office, did you?

Yeah, for a period of two
months when my long-term lover,

Steve Dortango, kicked me out
for being an absolute mess,

I slept on the floor
of Dan's office

every single goddamned night.

-Okay, well, before you
were making it sound

like you were working so much,

but you were actually
just homeless.

Let me ask you
something, Judith.

What's the worst thing
you've ever done?

-What?

-Because for me, it was when
I took a vacation to Arizona

ten years ago and I hit
that cyclist with my car.

And you know what?

I didn't even slow down.

I just watched his mangled
body get smaller and smaller

in the rear-view
mirror as I drove off

to continue my life as is.

So I guess what I'm saying
is that by comparison,

not washing the caked-on
shit off my hands

doesn't really seem like
that big of a deal, does it?

Laverne, did you kill someone?

What?

You guys are so silly.

You're my best friends.

Aww,
Cloe, we love you!

We love you!

Good afternoon, ladies.
Welcome to Bulges.

My name's Trent. Could I
get you started with...

- some drinks?

Um, I think we're
just gonna start with

a round of Long
Island cock teas.

- Okay, I knew you'd be fun.

How about something to
nibble on with those?

-Oh, yes, but I do have
an allergy to pine nuts.

Would it be still
possible to grab

the spaghetti and dickballs?

-You know what?
Actually, I don't know.

Mind if I run to the
kitchen real quick?

-Yes, please, but hurry
because... me so hungwy!

Don't you worry. I'll
be back in a flash.

- Okay.

These are pretty good.

Where the fuck are my
cheesy jala-penis poppers?!

-Two minutes, asshole!
We're fuckin' slammed!

-You're fuckin' slammed?
I've got four tables waiting!

Do you understand the words
that are comin' outta my mouth!

Fuck your four tables, Cory!

Maybe show up to work on
time, you fucking drug addict!

- Fuck you!
- Fuck you, Cory!

Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck...

- Order up!
- You gotta be kidding me!

These are supposed to
be honey garlic wings!

Chit says maple chipotle!

Honey garlic! Make 'em again!

Oh, go to hell, Trent!

Pine nuts in the spaghetti
sauce: yes or no?

- Fuck you!
- I can't t!

I'm gonna have a
fucking heart attack!

Hang in there, Sally!
Lunch rush is almost over.

Alright.

Good news, ladies,
there's no pine nuts

- in the spaghetti sauce.
- Yes!

Okay, well, for the
record, I love nuts.

Ooh, you're bad!

Okay, so we're just gonna
get some plates of spaghetti

- for the table to share?
- Yeah, that sounds yummy.

What was that?

Oh, probably nothing.

Okay, a round of spaghetti
and dickballs coming right up!

Excuse me, waiter?

I think I'm ready for
something more stiff.

-Oh, you're ready to party, eh?

I'll be right back.

Trent,
Trent, over here!

Boys' night! This
is the best night.

No, Sally!

What's going on?! What
the fuck happened?!

-Wake up, you son
of a bitch, wake up!

Sal, don't die on
me! I love you!

- Sally boy, you're alive!

You think I'm gonna let you
cocksuckers steal my tables?

Never scare
me like that again.

Don't ever give up
on old Sal, huh?

Trent, you got a table that's
been waiting for 15 minutes!

Move your ass!

Don't worry, kid.
I'll be okay.

Go be the best, huh?

It's what you always do.

Yeah!

Guys... a little help here?!

How far is the Uber?

I don't know. The car's
just sitting there.

Must be traffic.

Hey, move!

- Move your ass!
- Sorry!

What the fuck is going on?

It's moving now.

Stupid glitchy app.

Apparently it's driving
through the park.

-Sure.

Oh my God, oh my God.

- Oh my God!

Get out of the way!
Get out of the way!

- Get out of the fucking way!

Now the car is
spinning over downtown!

Oh shit, oh shit, oh
shit, oh shit, oh shit!

And now it's sideways
on the highway...

You'd think a
billion-dollar company

would know how to
debug their software.

Stupid app.

Looks like it's
just around the corner.

Finally!

Wait, I think I
forgot my lipstick.

Did you check your bag?

- Oh, here it is.

Help!

For Mary?

Whoa, whoa,
whoa! No fucking dogs!

Hey, guys, we are
live in 50 seconds.

We are live in 45
seconds, people!

Hey, where the hell is Trish?
We're about to go on the air.

Listen, Sal.
I have some bad news.

Trish isn't making it in today.

We're gonna need you
to stand in for her.

Me? I'm just a cameraman.

There are no other options.

Also, you know how seriously

we take our network's
reputation, so...

you're gonna have
to do it... naked.

No. No way, Jose.

Our viewers come to Naked
News for one reason...

Informative, up-to-date,
unbiased news

presented by people who
slowly undress themselves.

It's that little bit of sugar.

And today, you're that sugar.

Okay.

- I'll do it.
- Do it, Sal.

Do it.

Alright, we
are live in five...

four... three...

Good luck, Sal!

Hi, I'm Sal.

And this is Naked News.

Thousands have died today
after two planes collided

into the Twin Towers
in New York City.

We go now to our New
York correspondent.

This was a terrible mistake!

Oh, someone's running low there.

Say when.

When! Pour much,
you fucking idiot?

- You got me.

Alright, see you
in the deep end.

- Have fun!
- Thank you.

Hi, new neighbour!

I come bearing gift!

Oh, hey! Yeah, come on in.

Oh, wow!

- This is for you.
- Oh, thanks!

That's so nice.

Thank you!

Ahh!

Phew!

Hey, sorry, I'm
so bad with names.

Oh, that's totally fine.

Melinda Lupita. It's
nice to meet you.

But... you can
just call me Groot.

- Groot?
- Yeah.

- Like the movie?
- Yeah!

It's kinda like a
fun, cute nickname.

- You know, "I am Groot."
- Okay.

Well, if you want to come for
a swim, our pool is your pool.

Thanks. Does he come with it?

No, don't worry. I
won't be, you know,

doing the nasty with
your hubby or anything.

- What?
- You know, hot dirty sex?

I won't be doing that
with your husband.

But why would you say that?

Because I wouldn't.

I'm not the type of
person to go around

sleeping with other
people's husbands.

Like, I'm not gonna
reverse cowgirl on him

when you're not home.

I'm not gonna piledrive 69
him or anything like that.

I promise!

Okay, well, I should
probably get going

- 'cause I have stuff to do.
- But it would be pretty easy

to do that if I was that
type of person, though.

I mean, I live right
there, you live right here.

What's stopping me from
learning your schedule?

When you're going to work,
when you're coming back.

When you're going away for
the weekend with the girls?

I mean, what's stopping me...

from coming over here...

and pounding your husband?

I don't know. Nothing!

Okay...

Um...

And do not worry that I'm
gonna befriend the both of you

and one day suggest a threesome,

and while we're doing that
threesome you start noticing

that he's looking at me more
than he's looking at you

because I'm reverse
cowgirling on him,

and all of a sudden
you get weird,

and then a couple days later

while you're off
on a business trip,

I turn that threesome
into a twosome

and we bang, bang,
bang, bang, bang!

Please don't ever
think I would do that!

Because I'm not
that type of girl.

Okay. Thanks, Melinda.

I am Groot.

Come on, hurry up,
Jacob! Let's go!

Here!

This is gonna be great.

Mr. Delondo's gonna
slip on that peel

and fall right on his butt!

Here he comes!

Oh, shit, when'd
he get a walker?

Oh, Jesus...

- Mr. Delondo?
- Huh?

- Watch out for the banana peel!

Augh, whoa! Oh, shit!

Fuck me!

Oh, dear lord, no! Go to
hell, you fucking kids!

Oh... Oh!

Oh, oh! Oh...

Mmm, I thought I
lost you forever.

As did I.

Wow, still such a
beautiful couple.

Alright, not bad, folks.

Not bad at all.

But, uh, it still feels
like a few of you are, uh,

holding back those
darned claps a little.

No!

Let's, uh,
give it another shot.

Maybe eight times
will be the charm.

- Up we go.

Let us off the
plane, you bastard!

No yelling on the plane, please!