The Dangerous Book for Boys (2018): Season 1, Episode 5 - How to Talk to Girls - full transcript

How awesome
is Maya Fleishacker?
She's cute, she's smart,
and she's got a purple belt
in kickboxing.
I have a purple belt.
But you keep telling me
not to wear it.
Wait.
She's finally alone.
Now's my chance to talk to her.
What should I say?
For someone like
Maya Fleishacker,
you gotta be sophisticated...
grown-up.
Ooh, ask her if she read
Fifty Shades of Grey.
- What's that?
- Some book my mom really liked.
She even read it in the bathtub.
I'll give it a shot.
What's the worst
that could happen?
Hey, Maya.
How about that
Fifty Shades of Grey?
What?
Uh...it's my favorite book.
It's, um...
it's very grown-up.
It's about a painter
who, uh, uh...
who loves the color gray,
and, uh, I...
it's really sophisticated,
and I read it
when I take my bath.
Wait, I just...
Don't worry.
One day, you'll laugh at this
as hard as everyone else is.
Oh, hey, Terry.
How are...
So...
didn't we already have
the flag discussion?
Oh, I thought that
was about the size,
which I totally agree with.
The other one
took half an hour
to fold every night.
Okay, I don't know whether
to yell at you
- or salute.
- That's funny.
You're not the first person
to say that to me.
Funny, yeah.
Well, here's hoping
I'm the last.
Hey there, neighbor!
Wanna hang out a bit and rap
with your old Uncle Terry?
I got some, uh, cold hot wings
and warm iced tea.
Know how to get a jigsaw blade
unstuck from a shop class wall?
No, I do not.
Then no, thanks,
but no, thanks.
Ah, hey there, neighbor!
Oh, your shirt's a little torn.
Stee-rike two.
Mm, sorry.
These rutabaga chips are
putting up a heck of a fight.
These bills are killing me.
Oh, and this one is
actually threatening me.
So looks like we're
changing dentists again.
You're not alone in this, Beth.
Everybody's having
to tighten their belt.
Even George Clooney is noodling
with flying commercial.
Wait, this can't be right.
There's no way that Patrick
had a gym membership.
Yeah, neither
of my boys were...
traditional athletes.
Terry was really good
at hide-and-seek,
but to be fair, I-I usually
took a nap before looking.
I got some rest,
and he felt
like a champion hider.
Win-win.
Here.
What?
Wyatt, I just bought
this shirt for you.
What happened?
Who cares what happened?
It's just a stupid shirt.
Hey, don't talk to me
like that, young man.
Great, no matter what I say,
it's gonna be wrong.
So maybe I shouldn't
say anything at all.
Wha...are you serious?
Okay.
If you want it that way...
Here.
What just happened?
- Maybe I can help a little.
-
You think I should
talk to him or...
- wait until...
- Oh, oh, no.
I'm not dancing through
that field of cow patties.
No, I meant, uh,
maybe I could call the gym
and figure out
how to get a refund.
You know what?
I'll take it.
Are you kidding me?
Who ordered
Cage Fighting Championships
on pay-per-view?
Oh, those darn kids, right?
You know,
I'm gonna go
fix that gym thing right now.
Hey, Uncle Terry.
What's up?
Uh, just losing
at solitaire, which,
technically, must mean
I'm also winning,
'cause I'm beating myself.
I was just wondering if
you wanted to play
some football.
What, are you kidding me?
I've been waiting here for weeks
for one of you squirts to wanna
do something with old Uncle T.
Yeah, well,
Liam and Wyatt don't want to,
and all of my friends
are busy, so...
No need to beg.
I'd love to toss around
the old pigskin with you.
Just let me slip out
of these flip-flops
and into my sport Crocs.
Uh, you...you can stay
in your flip-flops.
I meant video football.
uh, I'm not much
of a, uh, video gamer.
Uh, the last one I played
wasMs. Pac-Manat my old job.
But...wait, you had a job?
Are you kidding?
I've had hundreds of them.
How do you feel
about cold hot wings?
I feel angry that they're
not already in my mouth.
I'm having the worst day ever.
I just got in a fight
with Mom...
I don't have time
for your childish problems.
The skateboard I'm making
doesn't look
remotely skateboard-y.
It kind of looks like
it might be a skateboard.
Someday.
Well,
someday better be Friday,
or I'm getting an F in shop.
Why should I even have
to do this?
Working with my hands
is not my destiny.
This hand is for signing checks.
And this hand
is for cashing them.
Okay, but seriously, about Mom.
What should I...
See, Wyatt,
this is your problem.
You have no empathy
for other people's feelings.
It's really pretty sad.
By the way,
I heard you epically flamed out
at school trying
to talk to a girl.
Smooth move.
You heard about that?
Dude, everyone has.
I've already downloaded
two GIFs of it.
Take a little advice
from someone older
and more sophisticated than you.
All girls really care about
is what's in here.
My heart?
No, you dork.
That's where you keep
your slim-line wallet
when you wear a $3,000 suit.
career comes first.
You have to make
at least $2 million
so if you get divorced,
you're still a millionaire.
Got it?
Not...really.
it's impossible
to communicate with women,
so why bother trying?
Welcome aboard,
bubblehead.
That's submarine-speak
for "howdy, sailor."
What's that noise?
It sounds like Uncle Terry
when he tries to beatbox.
That, son, would be Morse code.
It's kind of like
old-fashioned texting,
- only without the emojis.
- No emojis?
How are you supposed
to send a smiley face?
Uh, dot-dot-dot, dot, dash,
dot, dot, dash, d...
well, yeah, that would really
take a long time, actually.
- - I understand that
about as well as I understand
talking to Maya.
Ah, talking with a girl.
The noblest form
of communication.
Not when you have
no idea what to say.
Well, communication
isn't always easy.
But there's always a way.
Look at us.
500 feet below
the ocean's surface
and we can still talk to people.
- It is pretty cool.
-
The enemy's approaching!
Man your station, sailor.
We've gotta make our move.
- - D-seven.
Hit!
You sank my battleship.
Yes! All right.
Incidentally, did you know
the fist bump was invented
on submarines
'cause the ceilings
are too low to high-five?
That's great, Dad, but...
how does that help me know
how to talk to Maya?
It doesn't.
But the book does.
Everything you need to know
is in that book.
Take a look.
Aye, aye, Captain!
"Captain."
I like that.
You can call me Captain.
Or "my liege."
Whichever comes more naturally.
What?
"Sun."
That's it?
How is that
everything I need to know?
Strikers really need...
Heads up, I'm going
to the end zone!
Oh, yeah?
That's what you think,
'cause I'm gonna...
hang on, which...
which button is the "run"
And which...hang on,
which one is my guy again?
You're the guy over there
running in circles
next to the cheerleaders.
Aw, yeah,
Video Terry's got game.
Uh, excuse me, ladies,
I can't chat right now.
I've gotta X, O...
Touchdown!
Boom!
Dude, nice move!
Hey, and...and second place,
not so bad either.
That is a silver medal
in the Olympics.
Hanging with you is so fun,
Uncle Terry.
You know, what do you say
we do a rematch?
Well, I can't feel my thumbs
from scoring on you so much,
so maybe this time
won't be a total domination.
Wait a minute...
That'll help.
Hey, that's
an interesting outfit.
- You going to a bullfight?
- Close.
I'm going flamenco
dancing tonight.
when in Andalusia...
No, nobody says that.
Um, hey, have you talked
to Wyatt?
He hasn't said
a word to me all day.
Don't complain.
Terry talked to me
for half an hour straight
this morning,
and that was through
the bathroom door.
Okay, never mind.
Um, oh, what about
the gym thing?
Did you get that
straightened out?
Yep, went down there
and took care of everything.
That crappy membership
is a thing of the past.
Oh, thank God.
I got us upgraded
to the premium membership
with full pool
and sauna privileges.
Hmm.
Oh, shoot.
I got up-sold, didn't I?
I...
In my defense,
Jean-Claude at the front desk
is one silver-tongued Adonis.
It was one simple thing,
Tiffany,
that you volunteered
to do for me.
Well, I guess we both
learned our lesson, didn't we?
- Hey.
- Hey, Wyatt.
How's it going, tiger?
Uh, uh...good.
Great, uh...
everything's...great.
Tiffany...can I ask you
for some advice?
Only if you want
an awesome answer.
I do.
There's this girl in my class
that I really like, but...
I don't know
what to do about it.
Oh, honey.
You're sweet and sensitive
and cute as a button.
But I'm not gonna lie to you.
If you want any shot
with the ladies,
you gotta be in a rock band.
Lead singer, guitarist,
drummer, it...
pretty much anything
except the keyboard player.
They always put
the nerd on keys.
Okay.
- Thanks.
- Just remember, Wyatt,
you can't always
get what you want.
But if you try sometimes,
you just might find...
you get what you need.
How long do you think
it would take me
to learn
a musical instrument?
Tiffany said it's my only shot.
Well, I've taken oboe lessons
since I was six.
Can you play
any cool rock songs?
I can play the tune that makes
a cobra come out of a basket.
My little sister
thinks it's cool,
but she also thinks
balloon unicorns are cool.
She calls them "balloon-icorns."
Your sister sounds kind of...
Hey, what time is band practice?
You know, for our band?
Well...I could do any time,
00.
- There is no band, Sam.
- Fine.
30,
but you'll have
to talk to my mom.
There's the offense going right,
but the defense...
Hey, little buddy!
Game's all set
and ready to rock.
I have been practicing all day
and listening to Jock Jams...
so I'm pumped.
No, thanks, Uncle Terry.
That game's gotten
kind of boring.
The new version is way better.
When you sack the quarterback,
you can actually
rip out his spine
and dance around with it.
I do like to dance.
Yeah, it's pretty sweet,
except it's 60 bucks.
60 bucks?
That's a bargain!
Where else are you gonna
be able to rip out
somebody's spine
and dance around with it
for that kind of money?
That's exactly what I said!
Okay, you know what?
The parking tickets can wait.
I am buying us that game!
- Awesome!
- Yeah!
Okay, wait.
Ah, let's try that again.
Bring it in slow.
I'm gonna practice that too.
Broke a heel last night.
Apparently flamenco and sangria
are bad dance partners.
This whole assignment
is idiotic!
Need a little help?
Did Bill Gates need help
from his grandmother
when he built his empire?
No clue.
I'm a Mac gal.
I wish Dad were here.
He'd understand.
I know, honey.
I know.
We all miss him.
And where do you think
he learned to build stuff, huh?
Scooch on over, John-Boy.
From stilettos to kitten heels.
How the heck did you...
You know what?
If it means that much to you
to help me,
then it'd be selfish of me
not to let you.
If you're asking
for my help, honey...
you gotta do it the right way.
Fine.
Tiffany...
...would you please help me?
Sure.
But as your buddy Bill Gates
would probably say,
it's gonna cost you.
And, uh...let's keep this
our secret.
Last thing I need
is for people around here
to know I can do stuff.
Okay, let's do that.
Hi, I'm here to cancel
a gym membership.
You must be Jean-Claude.
Yes, uh, and your name is?
Don't bother, okay?
Because I'm not gonna fall
for your sweet talk,
and I won't be up-sold,
and I'm not gonna be tricked
into any "special deals," okay?
I'm here to cancel a membership
and that's it.
Got it?
Yes, no problem.
See, no...see, no,
no, no, no.
No, no, 'cause I am not falling
for whatever...you're doing.
What are you doing?
Uh, the name of the membership
you want to cancel?
Patrick McKenna.
Okay, and don't tell me
that it's un-refundable
or talk me into transferring...
You're Patrick's wife.
- Uh...
- I'm so sorry.
He was a wonderful man.
Wait, you-you knew him?
So he...he was coming here?
He was training here
for almost a year.
It was supposed
to be a surprise.
A surprise for who?
For you.
He wanted to be able to run
a half marathon with you.
He told me how much
you loved to run and...
he wanted to be a part
of something that you loved.
And then he...
And then he got sick.
Yeah, I haven't run since then.
I'll, uh...I'll cancel
his account right now.
Thank you for...for being
so understanding.
And I'm...you know, I'm really
sorry that I misjudged you.
It is, uh...
how you say, uh...
no big deal.
Thank you.
Okay.
Dude.
Why'd I let her off the hook?
I'm this close to that Jet Ski.
Hey, Uncle Terry.
Thanks for the new game.
It is awesome!
...the 40-yard line!
He's not gonna get up
anytime soon.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, I-I kinda thought the two
of us, you know, were gonna...
It even has a decapitation mode
that if you hit the quarterback
hard enough,
its head flies off,
and you can kick it
into the stands!
See?
Boom! Yeah!
- There goes your head!
- That should be my head.
It doesn't make any sense.
Wait.
"Just be yourself, son."
Welcome back, submariner.
I've been waiting for you.
I cracked your code, Dad.
But all it said was
"just be yourself."
There's no way
that would ever work.
Communication can be
challenging, Wyatt.
Sometimes it's hard work.
That's why I used
the invisible ink--
to make you dig
a little deeper.
But I did work hard.
Now I think it's too late.
I totally humiliated myself
in front of Maya
because I listened to what
everyone else was saying.
It's never too late, son,
as long as you're honest
and you're open
and you share what's
really in your heart.
What if I don't know
what that is?
Hey, look, I'm good,
but for the really tricky stuff,
you gotta talk to the master.
Down, periscope!
Pretty cool, huh?
Take a look.
Mom?
You know anyone
with a bigger heart than hers?
I sure don't.
What do you think
Yell "up, periscope."
I'd love to, but I kind of
have something
really important I have to do.
Aw, what the heck?
Up, periscope!
Never gets old.
I'm sorry
for yelling at you, Mom.
I was having a terrible day
and I took it out on you.
And then I got stuck being mad,
even when I didn't
wanna be anymore.
Sweetheart.
I'm sorry too.
Okay?
It was a silly shirt.
And I was caught up
in my own nonsense
and I should not have
let it go on like that.
So...friends again?
Wyatt, we'll always be friends.
Let's make a deal, okay?
Next time we feel like
not talking to each other,
let's...
...let's definitely
talk about that.
Okay.
Deal.
You're going jogging?
You haven't done that
in a long time.
I know.
And it's gonna be great
to get out there again.
It'll be good for me...
in a lot of ways.
Uh, cool.
Now that we're talking again
and you're, like,
the smartest person
that I know...
Agreed, mm-hmm.
...I need some advice.
Okay.
There's this girl...
that I kind of like.
Mm-hmm.
And I'm still not sure
what to say to her.
Okay.
Um...well...
I still remember the first words
your father said to me.
Really?
What were they?
I was a freshman.
And I was checking out
all the cool stuff
at an engineering fair on campus
when up walks this super cute
and kind of awkward fella.
And he looks me in the eyes
and he says,
"Hey, miss.
You ever arm-wrestled a robot?"
And that was it.
I was hooked.
That's great, Mom, but...
I can't say that.
No, of course not, silly.
That line is pure Patrick.
See, you...you have
to show her pure Wyatt.
And it's really not
that big of a deal.
You just talk to her about
what interests you these days.
Okay.
Thanks, Mom.
So...did you beat the robot?
What do you think?
Look at these guns!
These will not be defeated.
I'll take that as a yes.
Hey, Maya.
Wanna learn how to say
your name in Morse code?
Uh...not really.
No, no, no, it's...it's cool,
'cause it's actually
pretty easy.
It's just...dash-dash...
dot-dash...
No, no, I have to hit it harder.
Dash-dash,
dot-dash, dash...
It's...it all starts with D,
so, uh, dash, dot...
uh, no, no, no.
Dosh, dat...
You're, like...super weird.
Dot-dot-dot-dot,
dot-dot.
- What?
- That's Morse code for "hi."
My grandpa taught me that.
He was in the navy.
Oh.
My dad was the captain
of a submarine... ...kind of.
That's really cool, Wyatt.
You...know my name?
Yeah, I do.
I'm Natalie.
See you around.
Wow.
Of course.
Everyone sees me
rip my shirt off,
but no one sees that.
Mm.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Go easy on piggy number seven.
She's more ticklish
than the rest.
Just get in there
with your hands.
I'm starting to think
that an F wouldn't be so bad.
Hi.
- Is Liam being punished?
-
I'm not sure, but it's nice
to see them bonding...
and buffing.
So?
How'd it go with the girl?
- Hmm?
- Horrible.
But then pretty awesome.
What?
Hold it, mister, I want details!
Remember?
We agreed to talk!
- - Enter.
Oh.
It's you.
Wanna play some football?
Oh, no, thanks.
I'm in a meeting.
Are you sure?
You said you liked
the real thing.
Look...
so I'm really, uh...
I'm, uh...you know...
Uncle Terry.
I'd rather rip off
your quarterback's head
than anyone else's.
You're not just saying that
to make me feel better?
No way.
Wow.
That's the sweetest apology
I ever almost got.
- So you'll play
Get ready to have
your head ripped off
by one of my bullet spirals!
Hang on.
Super cold hot wing
for the road?
Best uncle ever!
Duh!
All right, Uncle Terry,
let's see what you got.
Brace yourself for the beauty,
little man.
Come on, you gotta dive!
You gotta dive for those.
Not gonna walk to you.
Okay, that one got away
from me a little bit.
- Little bit, little bit.
- Ball is probably wet
or something, you know?
Comin' in hot.
All right, toss me another one.
We'll stay out here
until you get the hang of it.
Mom, looking good.
Aw, thank you.
Yeah, I forgot
how much running relaxes me.
All right.
Yep. Nothing more soothing
than a good jog.
Hey, Beth.
Hey, Beth. B...
All right, Dash.
Let's face the mus...
Dash?
Hey!
Who broke my window?