The Dangerous Book for Boys (2018): Season 1, Episode 1 - How to Walk on the Moon - full transcript

You want it?
Try and get it.
Give it to me.
Come on, Dash.
Fakes right,
cuts left.
No one's gonna catch him!
I don't need to catch you,
you Neanderthal nitwit.
I know where you sleep!
Ugh. Ah!
Hey! Liam and Dash,
could you please
stop racing through...
Tiffany, would you please
turn down the music?
It's called rock and roll,
people!
♪
No headphones at the table.
What are you listening to?
Whale mating sounds.
It relaxes me.
Oh, hey, guess what.
I'm sending in
a patent application today.
Really
The Pickle Popper.
- That was one of Dad's best.
- Mm-hm.
If it sells like
the ButterMe Toaster,
we'll be rich.
Oh, honey, I wish.
Uh, we sold just about enough
of these suckers
to buy ourselves
a 12-year-old Astro van.
The van that can.
If you mean
"only start half the time
and randomly honk the horn,"
then yes, it definitely can.
Yelp says
you're a five-star foot rubber.
Let's see what you got.
Nnh...
Those are the feet of
a 29-year-old.
Tom Jones told me that.
Ah!
Hey, uh, Wyatt,
can you actually
help me out upstairs, huh?
See what Dash broke this time.
Uh. Ow.
What is going on in here?
- It's his fault. It's so his fault.
- He just attacked me.
- He's the spaz, not me.
He screwed up my game
with Ludvik.
And who is Ludvik?
This kid from Scrabble he's
playing online checkers with.
We were playing Scrabble,
and he's from
the Czech Republic,
you troglodyte.
I don't know what that means,
but it sounds like an insult!
Hey, hey, come on.
Guys!
Guys?
Stop it.
Ugh.
- Ow.
- Hey!
Family meeting,
downstairs in five.
Good job.
Okay, look, I know we've been
through a lot lately,
and there are surely
more tough times ahead,
but we're just...
we're not being nice
to each other.
We're not acting like a family,
and I'm not mad, I'm just...
I'm just disappointed.
Go easy.
Look how sad they are.
Give 'em up. Now.
Look, you boys
go back to school on Monday,
and next weekend is...
well, it would've been
your father's birthday,
so I... I think we should
do something.
You know, your dad always made
such a big deal
out of your birthdays.
It seems right
that we honor his.
Any ideas?
Well, what if
we had some friends over, and...
we showed them
a few of Dad's inventions?
Well, that's an interesting
idea.
I mean, your dad
loved his inventions,
but they do need
a little spiffing up,
so how about we all help
Wyatt with his plan, okay?
What do you guys think?
I don't know. I guess.
Okay, could I get
a little enthusiasm?
- I guess.
- I don't know!
Can we go now?
Yes, adjourned.
Boo.
I...is he going to
be okay?
Little dude went down
faster
than a fat guy
on a water slide.
No, don't worry
about Wyatt.
He's a fainter.
Yeah, that happens
a lot with goats.
Well, at least
the goats I knew.
What?
Is there something on my face?
Yes.
Actually, it's the whole face.
It's pretty weird.
Hey.
- - Hey, honey.
Honey, stay with us, okay?
Wyatt, Wyatt,
you remember your uncle Terry?
Your father's twin.
I am so sorry
I scared you, little buddy.
My bad.
You know, I forgot it's been
five years since I've been here.
I'm still not sure why.
Didn't you burn down
our tree house?
That's all conjecture
and hearsay.
I can't comment any further.
Isn't it great to see
your dad's little brother again?
Little brother?
But you and Dad
are identical twins.
Identical, yes, but Terry's
a good nine minutes younger.
He's always been
my little baby ever since.
Mom, this little baby's
done a lot of growing up.
Hey, can you make me
the little smiley-face pancakes
- I love
Coming right up. I get to pour the syrup!
Don't pour the syrup! I know, I know.
Pancakes!
Oh, good.
More children in the house.
Quarterback pulls out.
Deep pass to the right side.
Dash, you, um...
you think about Dad a lot?
Hands it off...
Mom said I have to move in
with you invertebrates.
Uncle Terry's getting
the sofa bed in the living room.
No way!
You think I'm happy
about this?
Last year, I had to give up
my room to crazy Grandma.
Now I have to give up
the living room to Bizarro Dad.
It's just cruel.
Hey!
Ah!
God!
"Let the strongest live
and the weakest die."
Charles Darwin.
"You're a butt-face."
Dash McKenna.
Are you guys gonna help me
with Dad's inventions?
Chill.
We have all week.
Yeah, and Uncle Terry said
he'll take care of the party.
How long is Uncle Terry
gonna stay here?
Until he gets arrested again,
or burns something else down.
So he did burn down
the tree house?
Oh, no!
Quiet, I've got to focus.
Ludvik just dropped
an 80-pointer on me.
Okay, I think you guys
have had--
Dig, dig!
Oh, no, you don't!
I know you're using an
anagram app, you Czech cheater!
Penalty
God. Oh, no!
Hello. Yo, Mom here.
No! My game stopped!
What happened?
- Mom, the router stopped...
- Mom, the wi-fi's off!
I can't play my game
with the TV off.
The wi-fi's not working.
I have something here
from your dad...
and he told me I'd know when
to give it to you, and...
he was right.
"Under the ga-nome"?
What's a ga-nome?
What's a ga-nome?
Tree house.
Purple haze.
Bermuda.
♪
What's so dangerous
about a book?
For you?
Trying to read it.
Hey, hold on,
hold on.
I also have a letter
from your dad.
Want me to read it?
Yeah.
"Hi, kiddos.
Hey, I know this
may seem weird,
but I had a lot of fun
making this book for you guys.
I know it must feel like
I'm not there to be with you,
sharing the things that I love
with the people I love most,
but I am,
on every page of this book.
Maybe if this book
sparks your imagination,
you'll put down the gadgets
for a few minutes.
I want you boys
to be dangerously good
and take some chances,
get lost,
try new things,
be fearless.
'Just do it.'
Wait, no, that's Nike,
and they might sue.
Mine is 'You can't succeed
unless you're willing to fail.'
Life's an adventure,
so go out and live it.
I love you forever. Dad."
Oh, get off of me.
Dude, move!
Okay, fine. Dash!
You're gonna
break it.
Submarines.
Hey, hey, hey.
"The first submarine
was tested in the River..."
Whatever.
- Oh, look, look.
Whoa. "Making a paper hat."
"Imagine you're wearing
your paper hat
in your paper boat."
Wait, wait, wait,
I was looking at that.
Great Wall of China.
Oh, where's that?
- China.
- Oh.
Go-carts.
Coin tricks.
Oh, astronomy.
Frogs.
Frogs don't have ears.
- Yes, they do.
- Yes, they do. Come on, Dash.
I think Dad's wrong
on this one.
Whoa, I'm not done
reading the pictures!
Whoa, what's this?
Pyramids.
Temple of Artemis.
This is so cool.
Oh...wow.
That's gonna take some time.
Mm. This is gonna be
a killer party,
and I'm not just saying that
'cause it's my birthday, too,
so don't even think about
getting me a present.
I'm a size large.
Whatever.
Um...
Look, Terry, I'm really glad
that you've come back
to process everything
that's happened, you know,
but at this moment,
and you being you...
Oh, you mean
'cause, um...
'cause I look just like him,
right?
Well, yeah, there's that,
but, and no offense,
I'm just worried that
you might not be
the greatest role model
for the kids.
Oh, yeah, no, no, no.
No offense taken.
Uh, and...and...
you have nothing to
worry about, Beth.
I've changed my ways.
I'm a very different man
than I used to be.
Thank you for holding.
Can I help you?
Yes, hello,
it's Father O'Herlihy here
from the orphanage,
calling about
the deluxe fog maker.
Ah, it would just warm
the cockles
of the little tykes' hearts
if you could find it
in your soul...
45%. Great, yes.
Where are you, Wyatt?
My dogs are barking!
"The command module
separates from
the Saturn rocket."
Cool.
"It rotates and docks with
the lunar module,
also known as the LEM."
Adventurer...
Adventurer,
this is Houston.
Come in.
Um...
hello?
Wyatt, there you are.
Glad to hear communication's
back up and running.
Dad, is...
is that you?
Yep, it's me.
But, uh...
Listen, there are a lot of dads
around here, so...
we'd best keep it official.
I'm Houston,
you're Adventurer.
Adventurer,
do you copy?
Yeah, yeah, I copy, Dad...
Houston.
Adventurer,
you're a go.
Go
To the moon.
Where else, champ?
What?
No, no, I can't.
I can't do that.
Are you crazy? I'm ten!
There you are,
you little sneak.
Mom, I'm working here.
- Grandma
These feet aren't gonna
massage themselves.
Come on, boys,
let's go.
You don't want to be late
on your first day back.
This party is gonna rock.
I got some great stuff
set up.
Now, you're not gonna
believe this,
but I once worked
as a carnie.
Oh, that's not remotely
hard to believe.
So I got a lead
on a tilt-a-whirl.
- Wow.
- Best of all.
I booked a musical act.
- Yeah?
- Little band.
You might have heard of them.
- KISS? Ah, sweet!
I can finally collect!
Gene's owed me 100 bucks
since the "Love Gun" tour.
Or was it Paul?
Liam, remember how
Dad used to steer with his knees
so he could do
a drum solo on the dashboard?
Yeah, I... I kind of.
Um...
Oh, look, the price of gas
went up 9/10 of a cent.
The Saudis are playing hardball.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
What'd you honk for?
No, it does it
on its own.
I know.
It just does it.
Hey, Sam.
You weren't here,
so I finished
the five food group mobile
without you.
All right, quiet, everyone.
Quiet.
Let's welcome Wyatt
back to class.
Hi, Wyatt.
Now, we need to let
Wyatt know
that he has support
here in this classroom,
okay?
Because he's hurting.
Deep down inside,
right here,
and it's not the kind of hurt
you can put a Band-Aid on,
so we need to be kind to him.
Okay? Okay.
Okay, take a seat.
Okay, I hope everyone
had a nice weekend.
Mine was not good.
I won't bore you
with the details.
Okay, so these
alternate interior angles,
one and three,
are created by this transversal,
and one and three form
alternate interior angles,
which are always...
supplementary?
No, congruent.
One and two are...
Two, one...
zero.
Adventurer,
disengage the LEM
from Command Module.
Dad! I mean, Houston!
I can't do this.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
You gotta believe
in yourself, Commander.
I do.
What's happening
Okay, here's what
you have to do.
Yo, Wyatt!
Whoa.
Check it out.
Even my puke floats.
Dash!
Liam?
Get off me! In space,
no one can smell your farts.
Stop! Moon! Crash!
Houston! Don't panic.
Everything will be fine
if you just...
Only one that stuck with it,
huh?
Dash and Liam
really like it.
They just have other stuff
they have to do.
Mm-hm.
Hey, how's it going?
- With the inventions?
- Mm-hm.
Really great.
How are you with Uncle Terry...
Taking over the party planning?
I trust he'll do
the right thing.
I mean, he's out there
right now,
hanging lights for his stage.
- - Ugh...
He keeps on shouting.
Oh, God.
I'll get the first aid kit.
Ah!
Agh.
What's shaking, kiddo?
Tiffany, can you help me
with one of Dad's inventions?
I can't do it alone.
Uh, gosh, sweetie,
no, I can't.
I'm going out
in a little while.
Why won't anyone
talk about Dad?
Oh, honey.
There's a good reason.
If we talk about Patrick now,
he'll think we're calling him
back.
We need to let his spirit
make its journey.
So, when can we talk about him?
He needs three moon cycles
to reach the celestial terminus.
Hm?
Hey, do me a solid.
Hand me that hairbrush.
Here, oh.
Oops.
Oh.
Adventurer.
Help! Dude!
Wyatt!
Something's wrong!
Prepare for moon landing.
Stop beeping!
Uh-oh.
Dad!
I mean, Houston!
You were going to tell me
what to do.
What is it?
The first thing you need to do
is calm down, son.
The key to being
a good leader
is controlling your emotions.
I can't be a leader.
I'm just a kid.
Even though you're the smallest
and you don't think
you're strong enough
or brave enough,
you can do it.
You can be a leader.
I know you can.
Dash, put that fire out.
Liam, plot the
landing trajectory and speed.
Dash, get on those thrusters.
I need you to stop
the spinning.
What?
- You can do it.
I know you can.
It's just like a video game.
Give short trigger bursts
until the needle goes under
the red line.
Okay, and if
I accidentally kill us,
I'll just start the level
over again, right?
It's not that much
like a video game.
Got it.
I have coordinates
and landing specs.
We're stable.
Excellent.
Good work, guys.
We need to get into
the lunar module.
Follow me.
Lunar module
has good descent.
1,000 feet till touchdown.
We have touchdown.
They did it!
All right!
- Yes!
- Well done!
One small step for Man,
one giant...
Hunk of green cheese for me!
That's not cheese.
Hey, it's not cheese.
Boy, this is nothing
like Pink Floyd described it.
Dad?
Are you still here?
Always.
Hey, buddy.
All right, little guy.
- Okay.
- Hey.
You okay, sweetie?
Yeah.
I wanna call
a family meeting.
Hey.
Everyone,
living room in two.
Okay, so, honey,
is this about the party?
Yes.
And no.
I wanted us to talk about Dad.
I thought everyone
could say one thing about him.
Anything.
I remember how Dad
tipped everybody.
Not just waiters
and delivery guys,
but, like, bus drivers
and doctors.
I remember one time,
he stuck a 20
into the dentist's pocket, said,
"Thanks for the extra floss,
boss."
Patrick was...
Oh, gosh. He... He was a...
an artist with a foot rub.
He was the Michelangelo
of massage.
Tiffany, is that really
what you wanted to say?
No, honey, it's not.
I guess
I've just been...
you know, running away
from all these feelings
'cause...I miss him so much.
And I remember...
Patrick's smile. Oh!
His beautiful smile
made me feel...
loved.
I... I never would've
graduated high school
without Patty.
He took a math quiz
for me once.
And a history test.
Science exam.
Took my SATs.
He broke up with three girls
for me.
Man, he was...
He was a great brother.
I remember how
Dad never let me quit.
Like with that diorama
of the Boston Tea Party.
That turned out so well.
It was terrible.
I left it on the radiator,
and Paul Revere melted.
But, like Dad always said,
you can't succeed
unless you're willing to fail.
I know what he means now.
Okay, Mom?
Oh, okay.
Well, I remember that he
made up a special dance
for each of us.
That's right.
Mine was the Rusty Robot.
Right?
That's it! That's the one.
That was the
Rusty Robot. I remember.
Oh! Turn it off.
And we had
the high-speed hustle.
Right, right.
That's the one,
right.
Yeah!
The high-speed hustle.
- Whoo.
Whenever he saw that
one of us was sad,
he would do that
silly octopus dance
until we laughed.
The octopus dance!
The octopus dance...
That's ridiculous,
right?
Gather round, everyone!
Simply light the wick
and behold Rapunzel's
sparkling hair.
The wick...
the wick...
So, the bread goes in here.
The butter is in here.
Hi, everyone.
I wanted to show you all
my dad's favorite invention.
The Dynamo Carousel.
He called this
a "smile-maker."
I couldn't figure out
how to make this thing go,
and then I realized that
Dad wanted us all
to work together on this one.
Mom, Dash, Liam,
come up here, please.
You too, Uncle Terry.
Haven't been on
one of these in a week.
Hi-ho, Silver!
Oh...
It's working!
Ho ho ho!
Is there a Terry here?
Minikiss?
That's why they were half-off.
Awesome!
They're just like KISS,
only mini-er.
And KISS-ier.
Mm.
Your dad would've loved this.
He does.