The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 5, Episode 12 - Cliff Babysits - full transcript

♪♪

♪♪

Yeah.

Oh.

Hey, guys, look over here.

Look over here. Look at Daddy.

Look at Daddy.

Muffin, Muffin, come here.

Pick up Winnie and Nelson.

Oh honey, no, stop
it. Let me change first.

Elvin, you said you were
going to cut this part out.



I'm sorry, honey.
I couldn't resist.

Okay, but just show the
babies and don't show me.

Okay, okay, I promise.

Say goochie-goochie-goo.

Elvin, I'm not
going to say that.

Lookie, lookie.

Elvin, you said you
weren't going to show me.

It's not on, honey.

Really?

Yeah, yeah. It's not
running or anything.

Great fake-out, Elvin.

I was good at getting
people to act natural.

Yeah, that's because you lie.

I'm just glad they didn't have video
cameras when your father became a father.



Just keep watching the video,
okay? And don't look at the camera.

Elvin, put that thing down.

Honey, this is the first video I've
gotten of people watching my videos.

It's a whole new dimension.

Guys, just look natural,
please. Look natural.

Okay, Kenny, let's act natural.

Let's all act natural.

Hey, yeah.

♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha ♪

Just forget I said
anything about natural.

Thank you,
Vanessa. Very natural.

♪ Porque no tiene ♪

Stop it, stop, stop.

♪♪

Ha ha ha!

I think I've seen that
face on you before.

I like it.

Thank you for not looking into
the camera Kenny, thank you.

Just what I wanted.

Help me!

Oh, Mr. Natural
himself coming up here.

♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha ♪

Thank you. Next.

♪ Ya no puede caminar ♪

Granddad!

Hi, Grandpa.

Hi, Clair.

Granddad, listen, I
want to get a video

of you watching the
family watching my video.

Oh, no, Elvin, that's enough.

Well, I see everybody I came to
see except my great-grandchildren.

Oh, they're upstairs
taking a nap.

Don't worry. I've
got them on video.

I'm sure everybody doesn't
mind watching this again.

No!

I'll show that to you later.

Won't you stay for dinner?

No, thank you, I'm
just passing through

on my way home from
Madison Square Garden.

I was visiting an
old friend of mine

whose grandson is playing
in a band there tonight.

- Tonight?
- Mm-hmm.

Tonight is the night of the
Michael Jackson concert.

Is he in the band?

Well, I believe he said that
the young fellow who sings

is named Michael Jackson.

You know somebody in
Michael Jackson's band?

Oh, yeah. Lovely lad.

He offered me eight
tickets to the concert tonight,

but I didn't know
anyone who wanted to go,

so I turned him down.

Why is everybody so upset?
It's just a music concert.

Grandpa, Michael Jackson is
the hottest thing in music today!

Is that a fact?

Yes! That concert's
been sold out for months.

Granddad, you got to call the
guy back and demand those tickets.

Oh, well, I'm afraid
it's too late for that.

Uh!

Well, I'm going to get a soda.

Oh, wait.

Now, what's wrong
with my memory?

Now just look what
I have got here.

I did get those tickets.

Guys, that was great!

Wait, wait. Scream again.

Granddad, just take the
tick... Take the tickets...

Come back here.

Are there enough
tickets for everybody?

Well, let's see,
there's Anna and me.

Wait a minute. You and Anna do not
want to go to a Michael Jackson concert.

You better believe it.

We love Michael. He's bad.

Okay, that's two.

And then there's me. I am
definitely getting a ticket.

- Yeah, me, too.
- Me, too.

Okay, that's five. And with
Mom and Dad, that's seven.

Sondra, you and Elvin are going
to have to flip for the last ticket.

No, they don't. They can
have those tickets and go.

Cliff's coming home from the hospital.
We can stay and babysit Winnie and Nelson.

Oh, Mom, no.

I mean it. You should go. We'd
love to stay home with the babies.

Okay, thanks.

Wait a minute. That still
leaves one extra ticket.

Who gets that?

Ahem! Ahem!

Kenny, are you sick?

No, I just think the extra ticket
should go to a close friend of the family.

Oh, good idea.

I wish I could think of somebody
we could give the ticket to.

You know, maybe we
could look in the phone book.

Hey!

Kenny, you get the extra ticket.

All right. It's about
time you gave it to me,

making me suffer like that.

I've gotta call
Kara; I'm so excited!

Oh, this is going
to be so great.

Okay, I'm going to go pick
out what I'm going to wear.

I'll help you. I want to
make sure you look good.

Michael Jackson, I can't believe
it. Grandpa, this is so exciting.

Elvin, you and I haven't been out
together since the babies were born.

What a way to go, huh?

Yeah, but I feel really bad
about your parents not going.

I really think they
should have the tickets.

Elvin, I said you could have
those tickets, honey. I really mean it.

Elvin, you can't miss this one. People
say it might be Michael's last tour.

It's a shame, because the
boy's dancing better than ever.

But you know, Granddad, I'm really
not much of a Michael Jackson fan.

Honey, what are
you talking about?

You have all of Michael
Jackson's albums.

You bought his book.

You even learned
how to moon walk.

But Madison Square
Garden is such a big place.

We're probably going to
be sitting way in the back.

Honey, we'll need a
telescope to see him.

Oh, not with these.
Eighth row center.

You'll probably be sitting right
next to La Toya and Germaine.

Yep, it's a chance of a lifetime,
Elvin. Now, what is your problem?

I can't be hanging out
at rock concerts all night.

I mean, I-I've got
responsibilities.

I'm a father now.

Elvin, is this about the twins?

Are you afraid to let someone
else watch them for one night?

Ha-ha.

I laugh at that suggestion.

Okay, now this is
starting to make sense.

Every time I've wanted to go out,
Elvin's come up with a different excuse.

Like the last time I
wanted to go to the movies

and you said you couldn't go to the theatre
because they didn't sell frozen bonbons.

I once offered to drive over
to your apartment and babysit.

Elvin told me that a steamship had
collided with the George Washington Bridge

and no cars can get across.

It did. I heard it at
the supermarket.

You're laughing. It was
terrible. The people in the water.

Elvin, now, this is your first
time away from your children.

It's only natural that you'd
be a little apprehensive.

Mom, I'm not apprehensive.

Okay, afraid.

I'm not afraid.

You really mean that?

Yes.

You really do?

No. No.

How could we leave them?

Muffin, they're...
they're our babies.

You saw... Those
little tiny faces.

They're in their
formative years.

How can we abandon them
like that, even for one night?

No. Never. I'm not going, no.

Elvin, stop it.

Elvin, everything
will be all right.

Cliff and I will be taking
care of Winnie and Nelson.

Yeah, but do you know how?

Son, chill out.

Raising children is
like riding a bicycle.

Once you've done it,
you never forget how.

And, Elvin, they're
my babies, too.

I love them.

But I need a break.

Mom, we're going to the concert,
and we appreciate your offer to babysit.

Okay. Fine.

I suppose.

- But will you promise me one thing, Mom?
- What?

Will you please,
please make sure

to videotape them every
minute that we're gone?

I don't want to miss a
minute of their growing up.

You know where the camera is?
You know how to... the buttons?

Elvin, drink your tea.

I like this one, but I
like the blue one, too.

What do you think, Kenny?

You've been through everything
in your closet. Just pick one.

Women.

This means a lot to me.

I have to pick just
the right dress.

Michael might see me.

Get real.

Well, he might.

Might even pick me to come
up on stage and dance with him.

First of all, that won't happen.

Second of all, what's the big deal
about dancing with Michael Jackson?

He's a superstar.

So? He's just another guy.
You've danced with guys before.

You've danced with me.

You're no Michael Jackson.

Yeah? The only reason
you like Michael Jackson

is because of his money.

Sounds like someone
in this room is jealous.

Not me. That guy's a
prisoner of his own fame.

He can't even walk down the
street without being mobbed.

I would never want
to be Michael Jackson.

You have nothing to worry about.

You know what your
problem is, Rudy?

You've got the real thing,
and you don't know it.

You're the real thing?

That's right.

And someday you're going to
turn around, and I won't be there.

Then you're going
to feel really sorry.

Well, yeah?

I won't feel sorry because I'll be
on my honeymoon with Michael.

Yeah? Well, I'll be on my
honeymoon with Whitney Houston.

You never told me you
liked Whitney Houston.

Now you know. Deal with that.

Oh.

We're here.

My great-grandchildren.

Winnie and Nelson.

Aw. Hi, babies.

This is Auntie Rudy. Yes, it is!

I remember when people
used to say hi to me.

Hi.

Can I hold one?

Okay. Who would you like
to hold, Winnie or Nelson?

Winnie.

Well, then you have to
guess which one she is.

This one?

Yes. Very good.
You know your niece.

Be careful.

Good.

Hi, there.

Pretty soon I'm going
to be babysitting you,

and I'm going to let you stay
up all night and watch television.

Yes, I am.

You know, Rudy,
she's got your eyes.

Yeah. They're big and pretty.

Well, Rudy, I'm going to take
them upstairs and put them to bed.

Okay. Come on.

When I get back from the
Michael Jackson concert,

I'm going to tell
you all about it.

Yes, I will.

Come on, Auntie Rudy.

Hi.

We brought the babies' things.

Elvin, you brought
all this for the babies?

Well, I figured we'd be
away for at least three hours.

What on earth did you bring?

Just the essentials.

Baby crib, baby bath,

baby toys, baby
lotion, baby blankets,

baby diapers, baby bottle,

baby vitamins and
aspirator, and baby gym.

A baby gym. Elvin,
they're only two months old.

Yeah, I know, but they're
developing fast, Mom,

and tonight might be the night when they
really, you know, want to use these things.

I just picked up
Kenny. Let's get going.

Last call!

Now, anyone that's not down
here in this second will stay home!

How'd you get so tough, Grandma?

Raising your
father drove me to it.

Good night, Dad. See you later!

Good night! Have a good time!

I've got my glove on. I'm ready!

All I have left to
say then: let's beat it.

♪ Beat it, beat it ♪

♪ Beat it ♪

♪ No one wants to be defeated ♪

Elvin.

I'm just gonna... Can I
just kiss them good-bye?

Blow your kiss.

Bye, Winnie. Good-bye, Nelson.

Good-bye, Elvin.

Mom, don't forget to take the
lens cap off when you do the video.

Lens cap.

Beat it.

He's that sick, Margie?

Well, it's just a terrible
time to come into the office.

I'm babysitting
my grandchildren.

Oh, Cliff? No, he won't mind.

I'm sure he would like nothing better
than to spend the entire evening with them.

Okay, all right.
Listen, I'll be there.

I'll be there as soon as I
can get there, okay? Bye-bye.

Aw.

Hey, look at you.

That's what I like about twins.
One for you and one for me.

What's happening, homey?

Hey, what's the
matter with this one?

This one is sad.

Really?

Smells all right to me.

Oh, isn't this going
to be fun tonight?

Sweetie, I got to
go to the office.

You're going to have to
take care of them by yourself.

Ted Hanley's not feeling well,
and I've got to go prepare his brief.

Look at this.
Laughing at Grandpa.

Go ahead, give Grandpa a laugh.

Yes.

Well, you go ahead.

Okay.

Okay. Leave me here

with these two
juvenile delinquents.

Can you handle this?

Are you standing there?

I brought up five
children by myself.

This is Granddad,
you understand?

There'll be no crying
around here for no reason.

Now let me tell you why.

No, no. No, no. See this?

Yeah.

See, you know
exactly what that is.

This is... now wait a minute.

Let me tell you... Let
me tell you what this is.

This is an aspirator.

You understand?

And you put... you put this
up the baby's nose, see?

And it goes...

And it sucks out
all of... everything.

Little children hate that,
and they remember it always.

Well, now, how are you two?

Hmm?

♪ Winnie and Nelson ♪

♪ Sitting in a pelson ♪

♪ One want to go, and
the other want to stay ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey,
hey-hey, hey, hey ♪

I got another one for you.

♪ Fee diddly dee,
fee diddly die ♪

♪ Where you want to go,
where you want to cry? ♪

♪ Watch me to the left ♪

♪ Watch to the right ♪

♪ Watch to the one
you love the best ♪

♪ Hey, hey-hey, hey, hey ♪

Hey.

Thought I was gone, didn't you?

Uh, say, you're having a little
hair trouble there, aren't you?

You see, your sister's stuff
is going all east, south, west,

but you... your... Are you
having woman trouble already?

Hi.

Hi.

Hello?

Hello.

Now, I am your grandfather.

This is the first time
we've had a chance...

I am your grand...

Uh, help me out.
What are we looking at?

I... I am... I am
your grand... Say.

Say, look at this.

Look at this little...
Look at this one.

That's how big they get.

This is... This is how big. See?

See what you have. Ohh!

Uh, wait a minute.
I'll go get something.

You should tell people
when you're going to do that.

Of course, you don't know
much about me, do you?

Do you?

You don't know
that I had a brother.

Do you know that?
I had a brother.

Yeah. He died. When he was 7.

I was 8.

Yeah.

His name was James.

James Theodore Huxtable.

Yeah.

And he died of rheumatic fever.

Yeah. In those days, just
the sulfur drugs, you know.

Wasn't much going on.

So they couldn't save him.

But he was something, though.

Had that Huxtable
thing inside of him.

Because, you know, his
breathing... His breathing was like this.

And he was always
in the hospital.

So your great-grandmother
and great-grandfather,

they would say,
"He's coming home.

James is coming home,
so you have to sit with him."

And we'd sit outside
in the sun, you know.

Yeah.

And he'd breathe like this.

And one day I was sitting
there looking at him, you know,

and this dude came up.

I guess he must have been
about 7 years old, you know.

And he looked at my brother, and he said,
"Oh, he's a sickly-looking little guy."

And man, pow.

James jumped up and
hit the guy in the eye.

And I turned around, and I
looked at my little sickly brother,

and he was sitting
down like this.

So I said, "Go ahead, James."

You know? But he died.

And I was very, very sad.

But he's still with
me, you know?

Still with me here.

And he's going to be with you 'cause I'm
going to tell you some stories about him.

He was something.

Well, never mind.

I want to know
from the two of you.

How has it been so far?

Now, when I heard that I
was going to be a grandfather,

I thought, I don't really
feel like an old person.

You know what I mean?

Because old people,
they walk like this.

Now watch me carefully.

You see? You see what I mean?

Huh? Look at how I walk.

Almost like Sidney Poitier.

See? You see what I mean?

Now, there is a problem though,
because I hurt my foot the other day,

so when I got up, I put
the foot down and it hurt.

I couldn't... you know,
and I had to walk like this.

So I was walking like that,

and I noticed that I was
walking like an old person.

So I was walking like this.

So then I figured if people are
looking at me, maybe if I walk hip, see?

So then I was
trying... I was trying...

And... And then I was
walking like a hip old person.

See, now, I was
explaining to you.

See this?

That's when you threw up.

Are they coming again?

See this?

This is the size
it's going to get.

Touch it.

Don't be afraid. Go ahead.

Watch. Look at it.

Look at it.

Oh, Lord, I think one of them
is not going to be too bright.

♪ Rockabye ♪

♪ And don't you even try ♪

♪ Because, uh, you're
wise, that's why ♪

♪ And Lord, I hope
your grandmother ♪

♪ Comes home soon ♪

♪ Because I don't like being
a grandfather anymore ♪

I just put Cliff to
bed, poor thing.

It's been a long time since
he did anything like this.

Mom, we had a wonderful
time tonight. I really needed it.

I'm glad you got to go.

Yeah, we're definitely
going to do that again.

When they're 3 or 4.

And we brought you a present.

Ooh.

Michael Jackson T-shirt.

And this is for Dad.

Mmm.

And, Winnie,
Winnie, this is for you.

Can you hold that?

And, Nelson, this is for you.

And we also got you
Michael Jackson posters

and a Michael Jackson program

and Michael Jackson
laminated photo

and Michael Jackson's Bad album.

He's bad.

And Michael Jackson's book.

And we got you something
that money cannot buy.

Watch me. Watch Daddy.

Watch. Watch.

Nelson, Nelson, Winnie.

Ready?

1, 2, 3, 4.

♪♪

The Cosby Show is taped
before a studio audience.

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