The Cosby Show (1984–1992): Season 3, Episode 8 - Vanessa's Rich - full transcript

♪♪ [theme]

♪♪ [singing in Spanish]

♪♪ [ends]

How many times
do I have to tell you?

You can't move sideways.

Why not?

Because it's a rule.

I don't like that rule.

Rudy, It doesn't matter
whether you like it or not.

Now, you asked me
to teach you checkers.

You're gonna have to play by the
rules and do what I tell you, okay?



- Okay.
- Take back your move, and move again.

[chuckles]

No fair! Give those
back. They're mine.

Rudy, that was a legal move.

And that's another thing.

You can't yell every
time I jump your men.

You have to learn
to be a good loser.

What's that?

Are you guys almost finished?

Almost.

Could you sort of hurry up?
I've got two people coming over.

Believe me, this won't
take long. Your move, Rudy.

Wait, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy.

- I win!
- No, let me tell you...



- I win.
- You're not playing by the rules.

Oh, come on, you guys.

You're not playing by the rules.

Ho! Hey! What is the trouble?

[all talking at once]

No, no, no, no!
[speaks gibberish]

One at a time now.

Dad, I need to
use the living room.

Two girls from the pep
squad are coming over,

and they want me to help
them write new cheers.

Why don't you take
them up to your room?

Because it's not big enough.
We need a lot of room to practice.

Dad, these are the two most
popular girls in the eighth grade.

If I get on the pep squad,
it could change my life.

Would you please
take this stuff upstairs

so that your sister
can change her life?

Or we could not play at all.

Theo, you promised to teach me.

Come on, Dad, you must
have something for me to do?

Afraid not, old boy.

Get this stuff up.

Wait, Rudy, I was winning!

Now we have to
start all over again.

I guess that's right.

Upstairs.

[muttering]

I will make this up to you.

Yes, I know you will.

Well... Dad.

Well... Vanessa.

Dad, aren't you gonna go
back down to your office?

And miss the opportunity

of meeting the two most
popular girls in the eighth grade?

Dad, please don't embarrass
me in front of these girls.

Don't act silly like
you usually do.

Well, I'll try to
control myself,

but, I mean, I do know
something about cheers,

and I could help
with the rhymes.

Two bits, four bits,
six bits, a dollar.

Clean my shirt, and
don't forget the collar.

Hey, now.

[doorbell rings]

Dad, it's them. Mm-hmm.

Right. Go. Please?

No, no, I'll just
let 'em in, all right?

Okay?

No rhyming?

You don't have to
worry. I'll be in a hurry.

Dad!

I told you I could
rhyme. I do it all the time.

How do you do?
Welcome to the zoo.

Hi.

Hi.

My dad likes to joke around.

All over town, jokes around.

Dad, this is Paula Young,
and this is Cindy Stevens.

How do you do? I'm Dr. Huxtaboo.

Nice to meet you.

Well, I hear that you
guys are on the pep squad.

Yes, we're the captains.

Well, pardon me, I have to get
my hat. I won't be able to chat.

But if you need some
cheers, just see me downstairs.

Hey, now. Hey, now.

Hey, now.

Bye, Dad.

He's very funny. Is
he like that all the time?

I had nothing to do with
it. I tried to get rid of him.

Vanessa, this is
a beautiful house.

You really like it?

- Yeah.
- Well, thank you.

This painting, I
saw it in a book.

My mother bought
it at an auction.

I bet it was expensive.

Yeah, $11,000.

$11,000?

Well, you know, my
mom really wanted it.

It's painted by her great-uncle,
and my parents both love art.

Would you like to see
the rest of the house?

Yeah! I'd love it.

Well, come on.

I'll show you all the upstairs
bedrooms, except for my brother Theo's.

No one outside the
family is allowed to see it.

Cliff, what are you doing?

I'm looking for the
remote to the TV set.

Why don't you just go over
to the television and turn it on?

Because after I turn it
on, I don't want to get up

and walk back over to it
and get down and get back up

and walk over to it to
change the channel.

[chuckles]

You are hopeless.

[chuckling]

I found you, little buddy.

Where have you been?

[tires screeching on TV]

[Man on TV] Today, I got a
recipe of cooked chicken...

[continues indistinct]

Chickens, capon, rooster...

Chicken and dumplings...

[continues indistinct]

Chicken, uh... I don't know.

[continues indistinct]

[gunshot on TV]

[Man 2 on TV] And I hope
it'll be experimental for you.

There's always been a
mystery about the drum.

The drum happens to be the
father of the percussion section.

Cliff? Hmm?

Could you turn it
back to the cooking?

[groans] [drumming on TV]

[Man on TV] Add one cup of wine.

Add two cup of wine.

White wine.

Two cup of white wi...

[Man 2 on TV] Next
we go to the bass drum.

[drum beating]

And from the bass drum,
we go to the tom-tom.

[drum beating]

♪♪ [soft jazz]

♪♪ [ends]

A-ha! It won't work for you.

Ho-ho!

I want to see the cooking.

- No, you can't see the cooking.
- Come on.

So...

Maybe it needs new batteries.

Come on. Come on.

It doesn't need new batteries.
I just put new batteries in it.

[singsong] It's
broken, it's broken.

Cliff’s toy is broken.

Na, na, na, na,
na, na. [chuckles]

[singsong] And I'm still here.

You're going to have
to get up, go over there

and turn that channel
with your bare hands.

No, I'm not, either.

[chuckles]

I'll go down to Jake's Appliance
Store and buy a brand new one.

Just a minute.

You are an electronic
gadget junkie.

And Jake's Appliance Store is really
not a good place for a man like you.

I am going to go
down to the store

and buy a remote, and that's it.

Yeah, I know, honey.
You say that now,

but, see, once
you get down there,

those gadgets are going to be
sitting on the shelves looking at you.

And they're going to call and beckon,
"Cliff, Cliff, come over here and buy me.

Buy me, buy me. If you take
me home, I'll light up just for you."

I'm going to go down and buy

a simple remote control
and maybe a satellite dish.

Hello, may I speak
with Jake, please?

Hi, Jake. This
is Clair Huxtable.

That's right, Cliff’s wife.

Well, he's on his way
down to your store right now.

Jake, don't get excited.

No, no, no, I don't care.

No matter what he asks for,

I want you to sell him only a
simple, basic remote control.

What's taking so long?

I'm thinking.

You want me to help?

No, I don't.

You could move there.

Rudy, if I move there,
you would double-jump me.

Maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't.

King me! King me!

King me! Wait, wait...

Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, you're
worse than Dad when you win.

You know that, don't you?

Come on, move again.

How did you get so good so fast?

Because I have a good teacher.

Hey.

Vanessa, the person I
wanted to see, oh, wow.

I don't want to play
checkers with Rudy.

Please?

I can't.

I have to write
some cheers tonight.

Paula and Cindy put
me on the pep squad.

I'll write your cheers, if you
play checkers with Rudy.

No, Theo, I want to play with
you, 'cause you're more fun to beat.

Bye. Have fun.

Whose move is it?

Yours.

[Clair] Theo? Yes?

Honey, could you
come here, please?

Gladly. Got to go, Rudy.

You're coming back aren't you?

Yes. I'll be waiting.

- Yeah, Mom?
- I found this on the coffee table.

- This is your handwriting, isn't it?
- Yeah.

- Honey, what does it say?
- Oh, I'm sorry, Mom.

- Rudy was pulling on my arm.
- Mm-hmm.

It says, "Jake
called. Emergency."

- But everything is okay.
- What's okay?

Dad is. [chuckles]

Jake said, when he got to the store,
he wanted to buy everything he saw,

- but Jake wouldn't let him.
- Good old Jake.

Then he said Dad started
begging and pleading.

He was offering to pay
regular prices for stuff on sale.

- Hello.
- Hey, Dad.

How did the shopping go?

Well, I got exactly
what I was going to get.

A simple, basic remote control?

No more, no less, my dear.

You didn't see anything
else that interested you?

No, but you know those
guys at Jake's, man.

They try to shove all kinds of
things and push stuff at you.

I told them, I said, "Man, get
those gadgets out of my face."

How do you do it, Dad?

Son, you have to have
the... an inner strength.

And it comes with
age and maturity.

I'm going to have
to remember that.

Mm-hmm.

So you weren't tempted at all?

No, no, I walked in.

I said, "Give me the
simplest remote you have."

Put the money down.

Bam, walked out.

Jake called.

Jake... Jake who?

Jake from the appliance store.

According to him, there
was a man in the store

who looked just like you,

who was begging the sales
people to sell him anything.

Jake said that?

Yeah, and he said
the guy was offering

to pay regular prices
for those things on sale.

I saw the guy.

And he was wandering
around the store.

I went over and talked to
him, 'cause I felt sorry for him.

Wasn't you?

No, it wasn't me. It was
a guy that looked like me.

As a matter of fact,
I pulled him aside,

and I said, "What seems
to be the problem?"

So he started telling me about
how he had this very wicked wife...

who had called ahead
and told everybody

in the store not to
sell him anything.

And, uh, so then he
started to cry, you know.

And I said, "Well, you
really shouldn't cry."

I said, "What you should
do is go to another store

where your wife doesn't
know anything about it, see."

And you know what?

He did.

I forgot batteries.
They're upstairs.

Will you all excuse me?

Wait one moment, right there.

I want to know what
did this man buy.

Oh, he went out and
he bought a lot of stuff.

It's in the trunk of his car.

Charged it all to
his wife's credit card.

Hey, Vanessa.

Hi.

- How was school?
- Not good.

What happened to you?

Nothing.

Where is Mom and Dad?

They went to the grocery
store with Rudy. They'll be back.

Were you playing football?

No, I was in a fight.

What? Where?

At school. Wait,
Vanessa. Come on.

Tell me about this.
I want to hear this.

Vanessa!

Come on you have
to tell me about this.

You actually got into a fight?

Yes. With who?

These two girls.

Two? Whoa!

Well, who were they?

Two girls from the pep squad.

You got into a fight your
first day on the pep squad?

Yeah, right before
the first meeting.

Whoa, that's got to
be the school record.

It wasn't my fault.

They called me a name.

They did? What
did they call you?

Rich girl.

Okay.

What do you mean, "okay?"

They called me rich
girl in front of everybody.

You fought over that?

Vanessa that's stupid.

No, it's not.

Vanessa, I would love
for someone to call me rich.

Especially in front
of Maxine Kirkwood.

I'd be set for life.

I got to talk to Mom
and Dad about this.

You're actually going to tell
Mom and Dad you were in a fight?

Well, sure, it's their fault.

They're the ones
who made us rich.

Vanessa, did you
fall on your head?

[knocking on door]

Vanessa, have you seen...

Theo, time for checkers.

No...

No, Rudy. I think
we've played enough.

One more game?
I'll beat you real fast.

Okay, one game.

Rudy, where are Mom and Dad?

In the kitchen.

I'm going to talk to them.

What happened to her?

She fell on her head.

Thank you, dear. You're welcome.

Mom, Dad, I need to talk to you.

Vanessa, what happened to you?

I was in a fight.

A fight?

Did you win?

Vanessa, what happened?

Two girls at school
were picking on me.

What did they do to you?

They called me a rich girl.

And?

When Paula and Cindy
were over here yesterday,

I showed them the house.

And then, today at
the pep squad meeting,

they told two other
girls, Linda and Darnella,

about all the nice
things we have.

Linda and Darnella
said that anyone

who would pay $11,000
for a painting is a show off.

How did they know how
much we paid for the painting?

Well, when Paula and
Cindy asked, I told them.

Why did you do that?

They were interested.

And they're on the pep
squad, and I like them...

And you wanted them to like you?

Well, yeah.

But Paula and Cindy
didn't start the fight.

It's not their fault.

Linda and Darnella
were the ones who said

I think I'm better
than everybody else.

I tried to explain why
we bought the painting.

And then they started saying
nasty things like "stuck up rich girl."

I told them they
better not say it again.

And the next thing I know,
we're rolling around on the floor.

You took both of them on?

Well, I didn't mean to.

It just happened.

All right!

Mr. Morris pulled us apart

and made us apologize
and shake hands.

If Mr. Morris hadn't stopped you, do
you think you'd have beaten both of 'em?

Paula and Cindy were the ones
who got me on the pep squad.

After this, they won't
want to talk to me anymore.

[sighs]

None of this would have
happened if we weren't so rich.

Let me get something straight.

Okay?

Your mother and I are rich.

You have nothing.

You can tell your friends
and your enemies that.

Okay?

Your father and I are not rich.

We're not? No, honey.

We're not rich.

Rich is when your money works for
you, not when you work for the money.

- And we work hard for the money.
- Oh, I see.

But, I mean, it's okay.

We're proud of what we have, and
we're happy to share it with our children.

I just think I'd be much better off
if we didn't have so much money.

No, no, no. You're
using the word "we."

See, now, if you
don't want the money,

then you just tell us that,
and we won't give you any.

All right? And then all you
have to do is pay us back

the 100,000 you owe
us, and we'll be even.

But Dad, I have to go
to school with these girls.

They're going to start talking,

and then no one is going
to want to be my friend.

Let me ask you
something, Vanessa.

Would you make friends with
someone who had more than you?

Yeah.

Would you make friends with
someone who had less than you?

Yes.

See, from what I'm hearing,
you're not the one with a problem.

Honey, your friends
are going to like you,

not for what you have,
but for who you are.

Do you understand that?

I guess so.

And, Vanessa, I hate to be the one
to tell you this, but, yes, you are rich.

- She is?
- Not because of things,

but because you have
a family who loves you.

Thanks, Mom.

But when I grow up, I'm just
not going to have so much money.

That way my kids won't
have any problems.

Vanessa?

Yeah.

These poor children
that you're going to have?

Please don't send them
over to this house begging.

- Okay, we're set.
- Mm-hmm.

Now go get Dad.

Tell him you want to play checkers,
but no one will play with you.

- Yeah.
- And try to look real sad.

- Can you do that?
- Yes.

Daddy, no one will
play checkers with me.

[chuckles] Perfect.

Got it. Go for it.

Go ahead. Go get him. Go ahead.

[Cliff] Hey, what...
What is this face?

[Rudy] Daddy, no one
will play checkers with me.

[Cliff] Oh, peaches.

[kiss]

You want Daddy to play with you?

Okay, Daddy will play with you.

Don't look so sad.

My goodness.

The board's all set up.

- You two going to play?
- Yeah.

Do you mind if I watch?

- Help yourself.
- Thanks.

Both of you get a chance
to watch an expert at work.

- Go first.
- Thank you.

You're welcome.

♪♪ [humming]

♪♪ [continues]

♪♪ [continues]

♪♪ [ends]

You did this, didn't you?

- Did what?
- You set me up.

Dad, all I can say is good luck.

It's your move.

I know it's my move.

♪♪ [humming]

Will you look at that?

It's a Robin Redbreast.

That's nice.

Oh, and he's standing on
the head of a purple alligator.

- Yeah.
- Getting reading to sing.

They have on tuxedos.

You're not interested?

Nope.

Hi, Mommy.

Thought I saw her.

King me! King me!

King me!

[exhales]

What are you reading?

A very famous law case.

Mansfield v. Townsend.

Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.

What's it about?

Cliff, please, this is the law,

something you doctors
know nothing about.

What do you mean,
we know nothing about?

I pay insurance.

Okay, this case is, uh,
Mansfield v. Townsend.

Yeah, and I know about it.

Oh, really? Yes.

Tell me about it.

Well, it was this man
named Mansfield...

Mansfield was a woman.

Dressed like a man.

Cliff, forget it.

Well, how much longer
are you going to be reading?

I only have one more paragraph.

All right.

Well, that sure was something
with Vanessa, wasn't it?

I know.

You know, most parents I
know tell me that their kids

are always complaining about
the money they don't have.

Mm-hmm.

And look at what
we have. [chuckles]

Well, I never knew we'd be
working so hard all these years

just to give her
things she didn't want.

I just hope she remembers all of this
when it's time for her to ask for a car.

- Don't count on it.
- No.

How much longer
are you going to be?

Okay, okay, I will
save the part about...

the woman dressed like a man,

the man dressed like
a woman, till tomorrow.

Because it's just
about that time.

[Man 2 on TV] Always been
a mystery about the drum.

Oh, no.

This drum happens to be...

the father of the
percussion section.

That's right.

Now, how did you
know this thing was on?

I checked the newspaper. I see.

♪♪ [humming]

Where did you get that from?

Good old Jake.

[Man on TV] Pour it in
there with them beans.

We don't want them beans
to burn themselves in there...

[continues indistinct]

♪♪ [ragtime]

Put that on there.

You see? It's on again.

[Man 2 on TV]
There's the bass drum.

[Man on TV, indistinct]

[Man 2 on TV] Now
we go to the tom-tom.

[Man on TV, indistinct]

[Man 2 on TV] We go...

[Man on TV] Casserole.
Casserole over there.

[Man 2 on TV] Next week...

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