The Cool Kids (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Cool Kids Rig an Election - full transcript
In the upcoming election for activities coordinator, Hank supports Charlie and Margaret supports Sid.
You know what really grinds my gears?
Cars today.
What's with all the beeping?
My ex-wife's car used to beep
every time you backed up.
Bitch, I know I'm backing up!
I'm driving you! I'm in charge!
I can't tell if you're mad
at the car or your wife.
Well, a little bit of both.
Well, you've been talking about
it for an hour and a half now.
And he doesn't even own a car.
You know, if you're
gonna sit at my table,
you got to listen to my jokes.
Oh, you're telling jokes?
Is that what's happening here?
Oh, so you don't think I'm
funny, do you now, Margaret?
Well, how about this:
a doctor, a priest, and the
prime minister of Morocco...
Hey, quit telling bad jokes.
I need water.
[GASPS]
Cheese and crackers!
Is this tap?
Why do you keep going
on those crazy hikes
with Gorgeous George?
I have enough self-esteem issues
without Gorgeous George telling me
I look dumpy in my Umbros.
Who's Gorgeous George?
And if he's such a jerk,
why are you calling him gorgeous?
Well, just look at him, Margaret.
He's a New York six, but a Arizona ten.
He's the activities coordinator.
It's an elected position, and
it's totally gone to his head.
Activities coordinator has
totally gone to his head?
Yeah.
[LAUGHS] You are new, aren't you?
He is a petty, vindictive man
who uses his power against
anybody he doesn't like,
and he does not like us.
Uh-uh. I once scuffed his moccasin,
and he installed a vending machine
right outside my room, so every night,
it's, "Cachunk! Cachunk! Cachunk!
Cachunk! Cachunk!
Cachunk!" It's-it's the soda cans.
- "Cachunk!"
- I got it, Charlie.
And the worst thing about him
is he's incredibly unfunny.
Tennis, anyone?
[WOMEN LAUGH]
That wasn't even funny.
Now, what he should've said is,
"Who's over here making
all that racket?"
See, then he shows them the racket.
Now-now that's a joke.
Well, well.
Let me just take a peek
under the lid of this
trash can over here.
Ah, yeah, just as I thought:
four of the biggest
losers I've ever seen.
You don't even know me.
Oh, Amanda, don't I?
My name is Margaret.
Very well, I don't know you.
But if you're associating
with these losers,
you're a loser, too.
Yeah, well, you might have me there.
Why, Sidney, I'm surprised
you're not icing your
ham-like thighs right now.
The sound of them chafing this
morning scared the birds away.
Man, get the hell out of here.
Go tell somebody else
some corny-ass jokes,
- and that's "jokes" in quotes.
- Mm.
I just wanted to remind you degenerates
about the activities coordinator
election this Friday.
I urge you to do
what every lady's done in this
complex at one time or another
and "Say yes to George."
Toodle-oo, trash.
Bye, George, have a nice day.
You know what we need to
do about Gorgeous George?
Yeah, drag his ass out in the desert,
tie his ass to a cactus,
and let the vultures
eat him bite by bite.
No, no, no.
One of us needs to run for
activities coordinator
and beat him.
Well, okay, but my way
would be a lot more fun.
♪ ♪
I really think we can do this, guys.
If we could beat George,
Sid, you'll never have
to go on a hike again,
Charlie would finally have
some peace and quiet,
and Hank... Hank...
What is your problem with him again?
The man's a criminal.
He steals laughs when he
doesn't deserve them.
Well, he has been running
unopposed for ten years.
He's complacent, and we're hungry.
I think we really have a
chance to beat George.
Slow your roll there, rookie.
Now, the way I see it, this
guy's gotten complacent,
but we're hungry.
I think we have a chance
to beat this George.
That's what I just said.
Listen to him, Margaret,
he's onto something.
I don't have to listen to him.
I will think about all the stuff
I just said a minute ago.
Now, who's running?
So you don't know everything.
It's obviously Charlie.
There are some very
premium nuts in this mix.
Charlie, really?
Yeah, you're a woman,
I'm black, he's gay.
We're trying to win an election
in a retirement community,
we're not putting together
a college brochure.
Charlie's our man.
Well, I accept, and I think if
we can focus on the issues...
Hey-oh! Pistachio!
All right, well, if Nut Boy
is going to be our candidate,
we're gonna have to run
a negative campaign.
We need to dig up some dirt on George.
Really? Why can't we
just have a fun mascot
like that Geico gecko?
[LAUGHING]: He makes me laugh.
Or-or an Activities Lizard
who eats bullies and sings sometimes.
Lizards don't eat people.
They blow flames at 'em.
That's dragons.
Lizards can be dragons.
What about Komodos?
Well, as your candidate...
What about Komodos, Margaret?
What... What is this?
Why are you people in my office?
We're taking advantage of
your open door policy.
I don't have an open door policy.
You know, I think we're
trying to say the same thing.
We're here to register Charlie
as an official candidate for
activities coordinator.
ALLISON: Yeah...
That's not a thing you need to do.
So do you decree that he
is a official candidate?
You just show up to the
town hall on Friday.
- You don't need a decree.
- Uhp!
- I heard a decree.
- I heard her, too.
- Nice work, Hank.
- Okay.
Now, can we please go dig
up some dirt on George?
Margaret, write this down.
Elections are not won
with dirt and negativity.
They are won with charm and charisma
and, most importantly, jokes.
Comedy, that's the weak
spot for Gorgeous George.
Yeah, more like "Bore-geous... Bore-ge."
No, see, that's why I'm gonna be writing
the jokes from here on out.
You missed "Bore-geous Snore-ge."
That's how you win an election.
♪ ♪
All right, let's get out
there and charm some voters.
- Okay.
- Listen up, you may learn something.
Well, at least he looks great.
Sid, you're a regular Queer
Eye for the Straight Guy.
I did my best.
His entire closet is filled with
free T-shirts from the bank.
- All right, so get in there...
- Yeah.
- uh, don't be weird...
- No.
... be charming, and hit
'em with that great joke,
- and get the hell out.
- Okay.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Walk in the park.
I feel like I'm watching the
Titanic leaving the dock.
Not everybody died on
that ship, Margaret.
Hi. I'm Charlie.
I'm not weird; I'm charming.
Here's a personal story.
In 1998, I was abducted
by little green aliens.
I'm new to politics.
How do you feel this is going?
And I was so surprised to find
that they call it "outercourse."
Wow, I did not think
it would go that well.
Charlie, you diarrhea'd the pool.
You diarrhea'd the pool
with everybody in it.
You're out, and so are you, Hank.
I'm in charge now.
Wait a minute, what you
mean you in charge?
Your candidate just described
being anally probed
by aliens as "a great
learning experience."
I said "annually probed."
Although both are true.
You better stop talking smack, Margaret,
and get on the Charlie train.
He's your candidate, too.
Not anymore. I'm running Sid,
and we're gonna kick your ass.
What? Moi?
Yes, "you-ah."
He's cute. He's funny.
Everybody loves him.
He's our best chance
of taking down George
and you. Let's go, Sid.
Wait, where's your spine, Sid?
You gonna do everything
this woman tells you to?
- Well, no.
- Let's go, Sid.
Oh, you guys keep in touch.
All right, we have got
a lot of work to do
if we're gonna win this election
and prove that I am much,
much smarter than Hank.
First off, I'd like to say
it's an honor to be tapped,
but I'm not sure I'm ready for this.
The only thing I've ever run for
was my life at a Kid Rock concert.
Aren't you tired of being a doormat?
Aren't you sick of going on those hikes?
Well, yes.
Well, then, you got to get mean.
Oh, I don't do mean.
Let's just do my lizard mascot idea.
Give him a catchy slogan.
Uh, like, "Vote for Sid."
[HISSING]: Sss-sid.
Okay, see, that, uh, that's
a snake, not a lizard.
But at this point I'm
just gonna go ahead
and embrace that reptile fixation.
So if you want to be a lizard,
you're gonna have to be a mean lizard.
But I want to be a fun,
singing lizard, like Kermit.
Kermit is a frog.
I am not a zoologist, Margaret.
This is politics, kiddo.
Come on. You got to get nasty.
Say something mean about George.
Okay, well, here goes.
Uh, and I feel awful saying this,
but sometimes he just takes way too long
at the salad bar.
That's not mean enough.
You need to get angry.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna be George, okay?
[MIMICS GEORGE]: Well,
well, well, Sidney.
Looking a little mushy
around the middle,
- aren't we, Sidney?
- Well, that's not very nice.
What are you gonna do
about it, thunder thighs?
- Stop hitting yourself, Sidney.
- [GROANS]
Th-Th-That's enough, George!
You're mean and you're a bully,
and sometimes when we go
on those hikes I just want
to push you off a cliff.
[NORMAL VOICE]: That's
what I'm looking for.
Oh, that felt great.
But what am I becoming?
A viable candidate.
All right, now we got
to get this joke right.
- Okay.
- I made a poster for you.
Shabam! [LAUGHS]
Wow, who the hell is that?
It's you, man.
Oh, I thought it was
Braveheart. [CHUCKLES]
- Aw, for... forget the poster.
- Okay.
Now, I'm gonna show you
how this joke can kill.
Okay, a doctor, a priest,
the prime minister of
Morocco walk into a bar.
Okay, I'm gonna stop you
right there. [CHUCKLES]
Morocco is a constitutional monarchy.
I'm gonna pound your head into dust
if you keep ruining my damn joke.
All right, I want you to sit
here, listen, and watch.
And don't say nothing.
Punam, come here!
Is this about your lemonade?
[SIGHS] Sorry, but we're
just slammed right now.
Yeah, uh, I just want you
to listen to this joke.
Oh, fun. I'll be an easy laugh, too.
I did mushrooms last night and
they haven't fully worn off yet.
- Okay, you ready?
- Yeah.
All right. A doctor... a priest,
and the prime minister of
Morocco walk into a bar...
[LAUGHS]
That's hilarious.
Ugh, I did not see that coming.
I never said the punch line.
Oh, well, that's your mistake
because the punch line's the
funniest part of a joke.
[YELLS NONSENSICALLY]
♪ ♪
We are making you a good luck lasagna
- for the election, Georgie.
- Ooh.
With extra cheese.
Extra cheese?
Yes, please.
Now, don't forget...
say yes to George.
Actually, do forget
to say yes to George,
because George sucks.
Good start. Get meaner.
Well, well, well,
if it isn't Snow White and
her one dwarf, Chafey.
You know, I heard a little rumor
that the freak show party
is mounting a run against me.
Oh, really? Well, I heard
a little rumor myself.
It'd be a shame if your voters knew that
you had calf implants.
Outrageous.
These are natural calves.
Perfectly sculpted from years
of tiptoeing out of bedrooms.
- Ladies' bedrooms.
- [CHUCKLES]
More like tiptoeing out of the
Tucson Center for Leg Enhancements.
Dr. Kapnakian says hello.
Larry Kapnakian is a liar!
I'll see you at the town hall tonight.
[SCOFFS]
Oh, that felt great.
I don't want to stop.
Don't stop. Keep going.
Well, uh, what have we here?
Is this a painting of
dogs playing poker?
Sid, what are you doing?
You smear George, not the voters.
Well, before you correct me, Margaret,
perhaps you should correct
that ugly sweater.
Just because it was on the sale rack
doesn't mean you have to buy it.
This is my favorite sweater,
and I paid full retail.
Where, at the gas station?
Ooh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.
The lizard is out of his
shell and he's snapping.
That's turtles.
Margaret, how are you still single
with such a treasure trove
of animal facts at your disposal?
Vote for Sss-sid.
Vote for Sid.
Hey, old man, here's a headline.
Vote for Sss-sid.
We are not voting for him.
Yeah, Grace, I know.
Do you guys like this sweater?
Oh, and another thing, Leon.
You know that little tile
room with the nozzle in it?
It's called a shower.
Why not give it a whirl sometime?
Sid.
- Sid, come in here.
- What?
What the hell are you doing in here?
I am hiding from Hank.
He's been yelling at me all day,
and the smell of bleach
really centers me.
That's 'cause your mama was a janitor.
And your mama's mama was a janitor.
Sid, what has gotten into you?
You know damn well that my mother
was a state senator by day
and a high-end prostitute by night.
Margaret has got me all riled up.
I mean, I ripped off
a woman's wig today.
At least I thought it was
a wig till she screamed.
Hank and Margaret have turned us
into the exact things we hate.
You're a bully, and I'm telling
culturally inaccurate jokes.
Let's team up and do it our way.
Yes.
I love the lizard idea, by the way.
Well, thank you, Charlie.
- And I love your suit.
- Well...
[LAUGHING]: Well, you picked it out.
[LAUGHING]: Oh, well,
it makes sense then.
I see what you're saying
about the bleach.
Yeah, it's nice, isn't it?
Hmm.
Hmm.
So you ready for this town hall?
- Yeah, as a matter of fact.
- I don't care.
My boy Charlie has got this in the bag.
And, Margaret, you will see
that when a joke is perfectly told,
it can really move a crowd.
You are delusional if you think
Mr. Alien Outercourse
is gonna win anything.
Well, I heard your
candidate bit a woman.
Well, he might be a little
bit unpolished, but...
he's a killer, and he is gonna
crush Charlie and George.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about George.
Oh, really. Why is that?
One word: lasagna, baby!
That's two words, ding-dong.
And I'm gonna need a few more of 'em.
Well, one of George's
groupies made him a lasagna,
left it outside his door,
and I, uh, put a little
secret ingredient
I bought from Punam in it.
Mushrooms.
Magic mushrooms.
So you're going dirty like
I said we should have
in the first place, right?
Well, let's not get caught all
up in the whos and the hows.
The point is, George
is gonna be so high,
he's never gonna get
through that speech,
and that's gonna give Charlie
all the runway he needs
to crush that joke, baby.
You call me "baby" one more time,
I'm gonna crush more than your joke.
And Charlie is gonna have one
big little problem... Sid.
Well, Sid's gonna have one
big normal-sized problem...
Charlie.
We found a hallway lasagna.
Y'all have to try it.
It's like a cheesy blanket
I wear on the inside.
We're gonna beat George without you.
This is so damn good.
It's like a cheesy blanket
I wear on the inside.
SID: I like it so much,
it's like a cheesy blanket
I wear on the inside.
Damn, damn, damn!
Well, we're screwed.
Your candidate is off
somewhere shrooming,
and mine is talking to a damn plant.
Ma'am, ma'am, with all due
respect, that's your opinion.
You might be screwed, but I'm not.
Well, why are you screwed and I'm not?
And why are you smiling like that?
Because I took care of everything.
After you drugged both
of our candidates,
I had to do something.
But it was a foolproof plan!
Who eats found lasagna?
I knew George would want a
little pre-speech workout,
so I followed him downstairs
and I locked him in the fitness center.
So no George? I mean,
I don't understand.
So there are no candidates now?
Oh, there's one...
- baby.
- Oh...
Hi, everyone. Hello.
My name is Margaret.
I'm running for activities coordinator.
I have been told that, as a woman,
I can't possibly win, but screw that.
I've been told many things by men.
Stupid, bald, unfunny men.
Bald? I got a ring.
I'm in the middle of my speech here.
Shoot, I'm in the middle
of mine. I'm running, too.
Hey, y'all, how you doing?
Folks, what's going on with cars?
Why are they always beeping?
Nothing?
Well, it's time to
bring out the big gun.
A doctor, a priest,
and the, uh, prime minister of Morocco
- walk into a bar, and...
- Excuse me.
Great news. We're engaged.
Saboteur!
She locked me in the gymnasium!
These freaks are trying
to rig this election.
Freaks? You've got double-D
calves and lasagna groupies.
Compared to you, we are normal.
[ROARING]
Roar!
I am the Activities Lizard!
Vote for me, and I won't
scratch your eyeballs out.
Still think you're not freaks?
Maybe you should ask your
friend, this baby dragon.
I'm not a baby dragon.
I am an adult lizard,
and I'm tired of taking
your crap, George!
- Oh!
- [ALL GASPING]
So... obviously the
election is canceled.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
Why?
Punam is the new activities coordinator
because she would much
rather do that job for free
than get fired for giving
drugs to the residents.
In my defense, I was not giving them.
I was selling them.
George ruptured his calf
implants when Sid tackled him.
And he's filed a restraining
order against the four of you.
Wait, that means he can't
come anywhere near us either?
He won't bully me anymore! I'm free.
Yeah, me, too.
Good-bye, cachunks.
Cachunks are the sodas...
Well, Hank, it kind of looks like I won.
Wrong. We both won.
We played dirty just like I suggested,
and everything worked out.
One more thing before we go.
[CLEARS THROAT]
A doctor, a priest, and the
prime minister of Morocco...
Get out of my office.
I never get to say the punch line.
They walk into a bar,
and the bartender says,
"What is this, a joke?"
That's comedy there.
"What is this, a joke?"
Cars today.
What's with all the beeping?
My ex-wife's car used to beep
every time you backed up.
Bitch, I know I'm backing up!
I'm driving you! I'm in charge!
I can't tell if you're mad
at the car or your wife.
Well, a little bit of both.
Well, you've been talking about
it for an hour and a half now.
And he doesn't even own a car.
You know, if you're
gonna sit at my table,
you got to listen to my jokes.
Oh, you're telling jokes?
Is that what's happening here?
Oh, so you don't think I'm
funny, do you now, Margaret?
Well, how about this:
a doctor, a priest, and the
prime minister of Morocco...
Hey, quit telling bad jokes.
I need water.
[GASPS]
Cheese and crackers!
Is this tap?
Why do you keep going
on those crazy hikes
with Gorgeous George?
I have enough self-esteem issues
without Gorgeous George telling me
I look dumpy in my Umbros.
Who's Gorgeous George?
And if he's such a jerk,
why are you calling him gorgeous?
Well, just look at him, Margaret.
He's a New York six, but a Arizona ten.
He's the activities coordinator.
It's an elected position, and
it's totally gone to his head.
Activities coordinator has
totally gone to his head?
Yeah.
[LAUGHS] You are new, aren't you?
He is a petty, vindictive man
who uses his power against
anybody he doesn't like,
and he does not like us.
Uh-uh. I once scuffed his moccasin,
and he installed a vending machine
right outside my room, so every night,
it's, "Cachunk! Cachunk! Cachunk!
Cachunk! Cachunk!
Cachunk!" It's-it's the soda cans.
- "Cachunk!"
- I got it, Charlie.
And the worst thing about him
is he's incredibly unfunny.
Tennis, anyone?
[WOMEN LAUGH]
That wasn't even funny.
Now, what he should've said is,
"Who's over here making
all that racket?"
See, then he shows them the racket.
Now-now that's a joke.
Well, well.
Let me just take a peek
under the lid of this
trash can over here.
Ah, yeah, just as I thought:
four of the biggest
losers I've ever seen.
You don't even know me.
Oh, Amanda, don't I?
My name is Margaret.
Very well, I don't know you.
But if you're associating
with these losers,
you're a loser, too.
Yeah, well, you might have me there.
Why, Sidney, I'm surprised
you're not icing your
ham-like thighs right now.
The sound of them chafing this
morning scared the birds away.
Man, get the hell out of here.
Go tell somebody else
some corny-ass jokes,
- and that's "jokes" in quotes.
- Mm.
I just wanted to remind you degenerates
about the activities coordinator
election this Friday.
I urge you to do
what every lady's done in this
complex at one time or another
and "Say yes to George."
Toodle-oo, trash.
Bye, George, have a nice day.
You know what we need to
do about Gorgeous George?
Yeah, drag his ass out in the desert,
tie his ass to a cactus,
and let the vultures
eat him bite by bite.
No, no, no.
One of us needs to run for
activities coordinator
and beat him.
Well, okay, but my way
would be a lot more fun.
♪ ♪
I really think we can do this, guys.
If we could beat George,
Sid, you'll never have
to go on a hike again,
Charlie would finally have
some peace and quiet,
and Hank... Hank...
What is your problem with him again?
The man's a criminal.
He steals laughs when he
doesn't deserve them.
Well, he has been running
unopposed for ten years.
He's complacent, and we're hungry.
I think we really have a
chance to beat George.
Slow your roll there, rookie.
Now, the way I see it, this
guy's gotten complacent,
but we're hungry.
I think we have a chance
to beat this George.
That's what I just said.
Listen to him, Margaret,
he's onto something.
I don't have to listen to him.
I will think about all the stuff
I just said a minute ago.
Now, who's running?
So you don't know everything.
It's obviously Charlie.
There are some very
premium nuts in this mix.
Charlie, really?
Yeah, you're a woman,
I'm black, he's gay.
We're trying to win an election
in a retirement community,
we're not putting together
a college brochure.
Charlie's our man.
Well, I accept, and I think if
we can focus on the issues...
Hey-oh! Pistachio!
All right, well, if Nut Boy
is going to be our candidate,
we're gonna have to run
a negative campaign.
We need to dig up some dirt on George.
Really? Why can't we
just have a fun mascot
like that Geico gecko?
[LAUGHING]: He makes me laugh.
Or-or an Activities Lizard
who eats bullies and sings sometimes.
Lizards don't eat people.
They blow flames at 'em.
That's dragons.
Lizards can be dragons.
What about Komodos?
Well, as your candidate...
What about Komodos, Margaret?
What... What is this?
Why are you people in my office?
We're taking advantage of
your open door policy.
I don't have an open door policy.
You know, I think we're
trying to say the same thing.
We're here to register Charlie
as an official candidate for
activities coordinator.
ALLISON: Yeah...
That's not a thing you need to do.
So do you decree that he
is a official candidate?
You just show up to the
town hall on Friday.
- You don't need a decree.
- Uhp!
- I heard a decree.
- I heard her, too.
- Nice work, Hank.
- Okay.
Now, can we please go dig
up some dirt on George?
Margaret, write this down.
Elections are not won
with dirt and negativity.
They are won with charm and charisma
and, most importantly, jokes.
Comedy, that's the weak
spot for Gorgeous George.
Yeah, more like "Bore-geous... Bore-ge."
No, see, that's why I'm gonna be writing
the jokes from here on out.
You missed "Bore-geous Snore-ge."
That's how you win an election.
♪ ♪
All right, let's get out
there and charm some voters.
- Okay.
- Listen up, you may learn something.
Well, at least he looks great.
Sid, you're a regular Queer
Eye for the Straight Guy.
I did my best.
His entire closet is filled with
free T-shirts from the bank.
- All right, so get in there...
- Yeah.
- uh, don't be weird...
- No.
... be charming, and hit
'em with that great joke,
- and get the hell out.
- Okay.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Walk in the park.
I feel like I'm watching the
Titanic leaving the dock.
Not everybody died on
that ship, Margaret.
Hi. I'm Charlie.
I'm not weird; I'm charming.
Here's a personal story.
In 1998, I was abducted
by little green aliens.
I'm new to politics.
How do you feel this is going?
And I was so surprised to find
that they call it "outercourse."
Wow, I did not think
it would go that well.
Charlie, you diarrhea'd the pool.
You diarrhea'd the pool
with everybody in it.
You're out, and so are you, Hank.
I'm in charge now.
Wait a minute, what you
mean you in charge?
Your candidate just described
being anally probed
by aliens as "a great
learning experience."
I said "annually probed."
Although both are true.
You better stop talking smack, Margaret,
and get on the Charlie train.
He's your candidate, too.
Not anymore. I'm running Sid,
and we're gonna kick your ass.
What? Moi?
Yes, "you-ah."
He's cute. He's funny.
Everybody loves him.
He's our best chance
of taking down George
and you. Let's go, Sid.
Wait, where's your spine, Sid?
You gonna do everything
this woman tells you to?
- Well, no.
- Let's go, Sid.
Oh, you guys keep in touch.
All right, we have got
a lot of work to do
if we're gonna win this election
and prove that I am much,
much smarter than Hank.
First off, I'd like to say
it's an honor to be tapped,
but I'm not sure I'm ready for this.
The only thing I've ever run for
was my life at a Kid Rock concert.
Aren't you tired of being a doormat?
Aren't you sick of going on those hikes?
Well, yes.
Well, then, you got to get mean.
Oh, I don't do mean.
Let's just do my lizard mascot idea.
Give him a catchy slogan.
Uh, like, "Vote for Sid."
[HISSING]: Sss-sid.
Okay, see, that, uh, that's
a snake, not a lizard.
But at this point I'm
just gonna go ahead
and embrace that reptile fixation.
So if you want to be a lizard,
you're gonna have to be a mean lizard.
But I want to be a fun,
singing lizard, like Kermit.
Kermit is a frog.
I am not a zoologist, Margaret.
This is politics, kiddo.
Come on. You got to get nasty.
Say something mean about George.
Okay, well, here goes.
Uh, and I feel awful saying this,
but sometimes he just takes way too long
at the salad bar.
That's not mean enough.
You need to get angry.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna be George, okay?
[MIMICS GEORGE]: Well,
well, well, Sidney.
Looking a little mushy
around the middle,
- aren't we, Sidney?
- Well, that's not very nice.
What are you gonna do
about it, thunder thighs?
- Stop hitting yourself, Sidney.
- [GROANS]
Th-Th-That's enough, George!
You're mean and you're a bully,
and sometimes when we go
on those hikes I just want
to push you off a cliff.
[NORMAL VOICE]: That's
what I'm looking for.
Oh, that felt great.
But what am I becoming?
A viable candidate.
All right, now we got
to get this joke right.
- Okay.
- I made a poster for you.
Shabam! [LAUGHS]
Wow, who the hell is that?
It's you, man.
Oh, I thought it was
Braveheart. [CHUCKLES]
- Aw, for... forget the poster.
- Okay.
Now, I'm gonna show you
how this joke can kill.
Okay, a doctor, a priest,
the prime minister of
Morocco walk into a bar.
Okay, I'm gonna stop you
right there. [CHUCKLES]
Morocco is a constitutional monarchy.
I'm gonna pound your head into dust
if you keep ruining my damn joke.
All right, I want you to sit
here, listen, and watch.
And don't say nothing.
Punam, come here!
Is this about your lemonade?
[SIGHS] Sorry, but we're
just slammed right now.
Yeah, uh, I just want you
to listen to this joke.
Oh, fun. I'll be an easy laugh, too.
I did mushrooms last night and
they haven't fully worn off yet.
- Okay, you ready?
- Yeah.
All right. A doctor... a priest,
and the prime minister of
Morocco walk into a bar...
[LAUGHS]
That's hilarious.
Ugh, I did not see that coming.
I never said the punch line.
Oh, well, that's your mistake
because the punch line's the
funniest part of a joke.
[YELLS NONSENSICALLY]
♪ ♪
We are making you a good luck lasagna
- for the election, Georgie.
- Ooh.
With extra cheese.
Extra cheese?
Yes, please.
Now, don't forget...
say yes to George.
Actually, do forget
to say yes to George,
because George sucks.
Good start. Get meaner.
Well, well, well,
if it isn't Snow White and
her one dwarf, Chafey.
You know, I heard a little rumor
that the freak show party
is mounting a run against me.
Oh, really? Well, I heard
a little rumor myself.
It'd be a shame if your voters knew that
you had calf implants.
Outrageous.
These are natural calves.
Perfectly sculpted from years
of tiptoeing out of bedrooms.
- Ladies' bedrooms.
- [CHUCKLES]
More like tiptoeing out of the
Tucson Center for Leg Enhancements.
Dr. Kapnakian says hello.
Larry Kapnakian is a liar!
I'll see you at the town hall tonight.
[SCOFFS]
Oh, that felt great.
I don't want to stop.
Don't stop. Keep going.
Well, uh, what have we here?
Is this a painting of
dogs playing poker?
Sid, what are you doing?
You smear George, not the voters.
Well, before you correct me, Margaret,
perhaps you should correct
that ugly sweater.
Just because it was on the sale rack
doesn't mean you have to buy it.
This is my favorite sweater,
and I paid full retail.
Where, at the gas station?
Ooh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.
The lizard is out of his
shell and he's snapping.
That's turtles.
Margaret, how are you still single
with such a treasure trove
of animal facts at your disposal?
Vote for Sss-sid.
Vote for Sid.
Hey, old man, here's a headline.
Vote for Sss-sid.
We are not voting for him.
Yeah, Grace, I know.
Do you guys like this sweater?
Oh, and another thing, Leon.
You know that little tile
room with the nozzle in it?
It's called a shower.
Why not give it a whirl sometime?
Sid.
- Sid, come in here.
- What?
What the hell are you doing in here?
I am hiding from Hank.
He's been yelling at me all day,
and the smell of bleach
really centers me.
That's 'cause your mama was a janitor.
And your mama's mama was a janitor.
Sid, what has gotten into you?
You know damn well that my mother
was a state senator by day
and a high-end prostitute by night.
Margaret has got me all riled up.
I mean, I ripped off
a woman's wig today.
At least I thought it was
a wig till she screamed.
Hank and Margaret have turned us
into the exact things we hate.
You're a bully, and I'm telling
culturally inaccurate jokes.
Let's team up and do it our way.
Yes.
I love the lizard idea, by the way.
Well, thank you, Charlie.
- And I love your suit.
- Well...
[LAUGHING]: Well, you picked it out.
[LAUGHING]: Oh, well,
it makes sense then.
I see what you're saying
about the bleach.
Yeah, it's nice, isn't it?
Hmm.
Hmm.
So you ready for this town hall?
- Yeah, as a matter of fact.
- I don't care.
My boy Charlie has got this in the bag.
And, Margaret, you will see
that when a joke is perfectly told,
it can really move a crowd.
You are delusional if you think
Mr. Alien Outercourse
is gonna win anything.
Well, I heard your
candidate bit a woman.
Well, he might be a little
bit unpolished, but...
he's a killer, and he is gonna
crush Charlie and George.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about George.
Oh, really. Why is that?
One word: lasagna, baby!
That's two words, ding-dong.
And I'm gonna need a few more of 'em.
Well, one of George's
groupies made him a lasagna,
left it outside his door,
and I, uh, put a little
secret ingredient
I bought from Punam in it.
Mushrooms.
Magic mushrooms.
So you're going dirty like
I said we should have
in the first place, right?
Well, let's not get caught all
up in the whos and the hows.
The point is, George
is gonna be so high,
he's never gonna get
through that speech,
and that's gonna give Charlie
all the runway he needs
to crush that joke, baby.
You call me "baby" one more time,
I'm gonna crush more than your joke.
And Charlie is gonna have one
big little problem... Sid.
Well, Sid's gonna have one
big normal-sized problem...
Charlie.
We found a hallway lasagna.
Y'all have to try it.
It's like a cheesy blanket
I wear on the inside.
We're gonna beat George without you.
This is so damn good.
It's like a cheesy blanket
I wear on the inside.
SID: I like it so much,
it's like a cheesy blanket
I wear on the inside.
Damn, damn, damn!
Well, we're screwed.
Your candidate is off
somewhere shrooming,
and mine is talking to a damn plant.
Ma'am, ma'am, with all due
respect, that's your opinion.
You might be screwed, but I'm not.
Well, why are you screwed and I'm not?
And why are you smiling like that?
Because I took care of everything.
After you drugged both
of our candidates,
I had to do something.
But it was a foolproof plan!
Who eats found lasagna?
I knew George would want a
little pre-speech workout,
so I followed him downstairs
and I locked him in the fitness center.
So no George? I mean,
I don't understand.
So there are no candidates now?
Oh, there's one...
- baby.
- Oh...
Hi, everyone. Hello.
My name is Margaret.
I'm running for activities coordinator.
I have been told that, as a woman,
I can't possibly win, but screw that.
I've been told many things by men.
Stupid, bald, unfunny men.
Bald? I got a ring.
I'm in the middle of my speech here.
Shoot, I'm in the middle
of mine. I'm running, too.
Hey, y'all, how you doing?
Folks, what's going on with cars?
Why are they always beeping?
Nothing?
Well, it's time to
bring out the big gun.
A doctor, a priest,
and the, uh, prime minister of Morocco
- walk into a bar, and...
- Excuse me.
Great news. We're engaged.
Saboteur!
She locked me in the gymnasium!
These freaks are trying
to rig this election.
Freaks? You've got double-D
calves and lasagna groupies.
Compared to you, we are normal.
[ROARING]
Roar!
I am the Activities Lizard!
Vote for me, and I won't
scratch your eyeballs out.
Still think you're not freaks?
Maybe you should ask your
friend, this baby dragon.
I'm not a baby dragon.
I am an adult lizard,
and I'm tired of taking
your crap, George!
- Oh!
- [ALL GASPING]
So... obviously the
election is canceled.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
Why?
Punam is the new activities coordinator
because she would much
rather do that job for free
than get fired for giving
drugs to the residents.
In my defense, I was not giving them.
I was selling them.
George ruptured his calf
implants when Sid tackled him.
And he's filed a restraining
order against the four of you.
Wait, that means he can't
come anywhere near us either?
He won't bully me anymore! I'm free.
Yeah, me, too.
Good-bye, cachunks.
Cachunks are the sodas...
Well, Hank, it kind of looks like I won.
Wrong. We both won.
We played dirty just like I suggested,
and everything worked out.
One more thing before we go.
[CLEARS THROAT]
A doctor, a priest, and the
prime minister of Morocco...
Get out of my office.
I never get to say the punch line.
They walk into a bar,
and the bartender says,
"What is this, a joke?"
That's comedy there.
"What is this, a joke?"