The Cool Kids (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 16 - The Cool Kids Un-Retire - full transcript

The Cool Kids get a taste of the good life - and Charlie's cookies - when Sid house-sits a fellow resident's high-rise apartment.

Hank, if your neck is
so sore all the time,

why don't you just buy a new mattress?

Who am I, Warren Buffet?

I'm on a fixed income.

I can't just be buying a new
mattress every 25 years.

Yeah, I get all my
mattresses from the street.

Sometimes they even come
with a free raccoon.

All right, Hank, I'm just
gonna very gently...

Okay, now... Whoa!

Oh! You demon!

Wait a minute. Wow. You fixed it.



- Oh.
- Nice work, demon.

Mm.

Well, Sid.

- Ah.
- I'm off to Milan

for a week... again.

Listen, I have some rather fickle ficus.

You sure you can handle watering
my plants while I'm gone?

I know you poors don't like to work.

You know it.

Everybody, this is Edie.

She lives over in Shady Meadows West,

where the rich people live.

I wandered over there once,

and Edie was kind enough
to escort me out.



Here's the key.

Be sure to remove your shoes on the rug.

And I must insist you
sit when you urinate.

Ooh, do we stand when we do number two?

Oh, forget I said that.

Uh, uh, don't you worry.

I'm going to treat your fickle
fici as if they were my own.

See that you do.

Toodily oodily.

Gee, I hope they let
her through security

with that stick up her butt.

Sid, why would you do anything
for that snobby woman?

Any other stupid questions, stupid?

Sorry.

Living the high life is getting to me.

Oh, it's plastic.

Wow. So this is how
the other half lives.

Two bed, two bath. Washer, dryer.

Yeah. Now I don't have to get glared at

by Meredith McDougle
in the laundry room.

The woman is there every day,

yet her clothes are always dirty.

What are you washing, Meredith?!

Ooh-wee!

Ooh, this massage chair
is working my neck out.

And my butt!

Oh! Thattagirl!

Work that booty.

Look at that crappy apartment down there

with the two-cent window treatments.

What... what kind of
an animal lives there?

Oh.

I think that's actually my place.

This kitchen is great. I love to cook.

Reminds me of my days as
a chef on a wagon train.

Frontierland at Disney World.

Cookie, anyone?

Yeah, sure.

- Wow.
- This is the life.

Mmm.

Holy crap, Charlie.

These are really good.

- I had no idea you bake.
- Thanks.

Yeah, I like to get stoned and
just let my creativity run wild.

Sometimes it leads to baking,

and sometimes it leads to, uh...

What were we talking about?

Okay. Fast.

Oh, fast.

Wait a minute. I don't think I
feel comfortable with this.

Hold up.

Yes, I do.

If this ever goes to trial,

I'm a witness for the chair.

You know what, Charlie? You
could make some decent money

- selling these cookies.
- Oh, Charlie,

you'd be adorable selling cookies.

Like a stoned, wrinkly Girl Scout.

What am I saying? That
would be terrifying.

Yeah, I appreciate it, guys, but no.

No, cooking is just a hobby I picked up

when I retired, like, uh...

Like, what-what are we talking about?

Ben and Jerry started
as a fun hobby, too,

and look at them now.

Yeah, I don't care about
your other friends.

You guys like this place, right?

It's only $1,000 a month more.

I mean, if we could
turn Charlie's Cookies

into a real business...
which I know how to do...

we could all be living
in Shady Meadows West.

I mean, isn't this what we want
our retirement to look like?

I've always wanted to be a snob.

I so seldom get to look down on people.

I could use the spare money
to buy a nice mattress.

I mean, if I keep lying on mine,

I won't be able to turn
my neck to the left.

How am I gonna watch tennis?

I'll be all like...

What do you say, Charlie?
They're your cookies.

Well, you know, we didn't retire
to retire from retirement.

If we retired to make
money for our retirement,

then you're not retiring
from your retirement.

You have to retire your retirement

to retire, and that's tiring.

Look, Charlie, all you have to do

is get baked and bake.

I have always dreamed of
running my own business.

I will handle everything else.

I don't think so.

Your weed would be a business write-off.

I'm in.

Now, if you will turn to
page 14 in your packets,

you will see that our marginal
costs are gonna start

- to decline right here...
- As will our lives

if you don't stop talking!

Seriously, Margaret, you
said this would be fun.

I have never had less fun in
my life, and I was a P.O.W.

At least there, they played music.

Okay, guys, we're putting
in a little work now

so that we can have a lot of fun later.

We need a professional oven like Edie's

if we're gonna make enough cookies

to get this company off the ground,

and we only have a week

before she gets back home.

Margaret, here's where you went wrong.

See, you made pie charts

when you should've made cookie charts

made out of real cookies.

That way, when you're talking,
we can be eating bites

that represent the profits and losses.

Get in there, Hank. Save her.

Oh, looks like I need to come
in here and take charge.

All right, so, uh, first of
all, you don't run a business

with all this old nerd stuff.
You got to use your gut.

Mm. Well, you definitely have
me beat in the gut department.

What do you know about business?

You were a meter reader
for the gas company.

Margaret, I was in sales.

How is reading meters sales?

Well, I had to sell the idea

of a black man coming on
white folks' property.

If I can sell that, cookies
will be a piece of cake.

Ooh, we should sell cake.

And doughnuts, too!

- And wallets.
- What?

No. No, Charlie's Cookies
should only be selling cookies.

Look, you guys, I have been
through this whole thing before.

My ex-husband Kenny and I ran

a seafood distribution
company for years.

And that applies to cakes,

doughnuts and wallets how?

He didn't listen to me, either,

and that's why our company
crashed and burned.

Wasn't for him, I'd be the
shrimp queen of Pensacola.

While we're bringing
up painful memories,

"shrimp queen" is really
triggering for me.

Anyway, I am not gonna
watch another company fail

just because a man is
too stubborn to listen.

I will be running Charlie's Cookies.

So, you get to be in charge just
'cause you married a moron?

What kind of sense does that make?

It's called "Charlie's Cookies."

Okay, so I think it's pretty obvious

who should be running it. Hank.

Can't argue with that logic.

You guys want extra money, right?

Hank, you want that new mattress.

Sid, you want the high life.

Charlie, we know you want the high life.

I'm the one that can lead us
down that path to success.

Now, I know the charts and the graphs...

Oh, she's boring us
again! I vote for Hank!

- Me, too.
- Guys...

How about you, Margaret?
What's your vote?

Never mind! Doesn't
matter! Hank's in charge.

First order of business:
let's go swimming.

All right!

1,000 cookies by Friday.

Absolutely, no problem.
We can make that happen.

Thank you.

You guys, I just landed a huge order.

It's a big resort in Sedona.

Could we now please admit

that I am the one who
should be in charge?

Nope. But listen to this.

Charlie's got an idea for
a chocolate chip cookie

where all the chips are
little bitty cookies.

We're gonna be so frigging rich.

Oh, you know what?

Forget about a mattress.

I'm gonna buy a waterbed,

and I'm gonna fill it full of champagne.

Hank, don't be spending
money before you got it.

That's just about the most
foolish thing you can do.

Guess who's been spending
their balls off.

Wha... ?

Where are the groceries
I asked you to buy?

And why are you dressed
like a Build-A-Bear?

Why are you dressed like the
manager at a pumpkin patch?

We can both be mean, Margaret.

Who wears a fur in Arizona?

If I'm gonna live in Shady Meadows West,

I got to look the part.

What part is that? The oldest Ewok?

How did you afford all of this?

I set us up a corporate
credit card, silly.

The company pays for it.

We are the company.

We have got to hustle if
we're gonna fill this order

before Edie gets home.

This is a golden opportunity, guys.

Come on, let's get to work.

Whoa, Margaret, calm down.

You seem a little emotional.

Don't worry about it. I got this.

You're right. I am being
a little emotional.

Typical woman, right?

You get it.

Oh, she gets it. Yeah.

Hank, as long as you're in charge,

would you mind if I ran out
and got all of the supplies

that Sid forgot and maybe
have myself a... a good cry?

I approve that.

Have fun.

Finally.

Now maybe we can get some work done.

Hank, if we're gonna get
rich off this thing,

we need a jingle.

I'm thinking something like...

♪ Lookee, lookee ♪

♪ Charlie's got a cookie. ♪

All right, sing that song again.
Let me put some stank on it.

♪ Lookee, lookee ♪

♪ Charlie's got a cookie ♪

♪ Lookee, lookee ♪

♪ Charlie's got a cookie. ♪

- Well, that's done.
- Mm.

That's my boss.

Hey, Charlie.

I'm glad you're alone.

Aren't we all really,
at the end of the day?

Yeah, things got a little
heated there earlier,

so, uh, I brought over a
little peace offering.

Ooh.

This is a strain called
"Nipple of the Gods."

It is grown just outside of Humboldt.

I don't need the whole story,
J.K. Rowling. Just spark it up.

♪ Lookee, lookee ♪

♪ Charlie's got a cookie ♪

♪ Lookee, lookee,
Charlie's got a cookie. ♪

That's the best one yet.

I think that four-hour rehearsal
we had today really helped.

I've just got to quadruple-check.

It's a "no" on my choreography?

Yeah.

Wait a minute. What is going on here?

- Every table is eating our cookies.
- Wow.

Uh, hey, baby, where'd
you get these from?

Oh. A red-haired woman sold those to us,

and Susan wouldn't buy any,

and she called her the "B" word.

- Margaret.
- Yes, that's it.

That's funny, because when she
came over the other night,

- she didn't mention anything about this.
- Wait. Hold up.

- She came to see you?
- Yeah, it was fun.

She got me really stoned,

and she brought out
these legal documents

and challenged me to a
signature contest, and I...

- Oh, geez.
- Margaret.

But who won the contest?

Margaret!

Margaret, open up the door right now!

Everything okay, Hank?

Because you sound really emotional.

What is going on in here?

Well, I'm running a successful business

the way I always wanted to.

Hard-working employees,
breaks to call grandkids,

orders being fulfilled on time,

and a business plan that does
not involve miniature furs.

This is a youth large.

Blah, blah, blah.

This doesn't change the fact
that you stole this business.

I did not steal it. I
bought it fair and square.

How can it be fair when you tricked me?

I did not trick you. You
gave me the recipe.

You said I could buy the
company for a dollar.

I said I didn't have a dollar.

You said, "Good enough."
You gave me the company.

Does sound kind of familiar, Hank.

Yeah, well, screw that.

We gonna find our own cookie buyers.

And I know real fat people, Margaret.

Come on, y'all. Let's
go get some supplies.

Yeah, well, about those supplies.

We don't have any money left.

Somebody maxed out our
company credit card.

It was your boy.

- Damn it, Sid!
- Well, it wasn't just me.

You should see how much
Charlie has blown on weed.

We got somebody on the
payroll named Dank Steve.

You know, I've been biting
my tongue on this all week,

but, uh... he prefers Dank Steven.

You know, guys, I couldn't help
but overhear that you suck,

and you've run your company

into the ground, and you have no money.

- We did not say that we suck.
- Oh, it was implied.

Anyway, I'm looking for some
extra hands in the kitchen

if you're interested in working for me.

Over our dead bodies will
we humiliate ourselves

- by bending the knee to your...
- You know, Hank,

she does sound like she
knows what she's doing.

Yeah, Hank. We all want that
Shady Meadows West life, but...

- Yeah.
- I don't see it happening

with you at the helm.

I'm with Margaret now.

Yeah, me, too.

You bunch of betrayers.

I hope you know this
means war. Cookie war!

Good luck trying to sell
something without a jingle.

Oh, you mean the jingle that
Charlie sold to me? Ladies?

♪ Lookee, lookee ♪

♪ Margaret's got a cookie. ♪

Damn, damn, damn!

Great job, team.

We're gonna have these cookies done

with time to spare.

Sid, you're killing it,

but you need to take that fur coat off,

or else cover your entire
body with a hair net.

Oh, I'll just take it off.

I do not know how Russian prostitutes

get anything done in these.

Guys, we have got a huge problem.

The oven is not working.

That's 'cause I just turned the gas off.

Never mess with a retired
meter reader, baby.

Well, that is pretty stupid,
even for you, Hank.

I will just turn the gas back on.

You don't know how. Ha!

Isn't it just a little valve

that you turn counterclockwise?

Maybe.

But sometimes you need a wrench.

You got a wrench, Margaret?

We could just call 24-hour maintenance.

This is Shady Meadows West.
They actually show up.

Shut up, Sid.

Everybody is turning against me.

I lost the company, I lost my friends.

What is next?

Hank, you can have all of that back

if you will just listen to me.

Well, that sounds like a good
idea... on opposite day!

I will never listen to
anything you have to say.

I am taking this company back.

Oh, you wouldn't know
what to do with it.

You're a meter maid!

Meter man. Meter man.

Oh... Is that supposed to impress me?

Your job was wandering around
neighborhoods in shorts.

Pleated shorts! Pleated dress shorts!

They're the half pants of kings.

Well... so, how you
gonna make cookies now,

now that you don't have any flour?

That is sugar, Hank.

So... now you gonna get ants.

And-and how you gonna
sell all these cookies

if you can't find them?

Oh, I'll save the cookies for...

Ah! Hot, hot, hot, hot tray!

- Oops.
- Oh!

Sorry. My bad.

Oh, you are such a baby!

Would a baby ever do this?

Hey! Look at yourselves.

This was supposed to be fun,

and now you're tearing
at each other's throats.

And for what?

A little extra money?

- You can't enjoy cookies...
- Oh!

... without a little milk!

Stop it!

Stop it!

What the hell is the matter with you?!

I told you how important this
was to me, and you ruined it!

Why?! Why, Hank?

Because I did something you couldn't do?

- What's that, have babies?
- There's that, too!

Can somebody show me how
to turn this thing off?

Boy, she's working
that ball pretty hard.

Should we wait till she
tires out a little?

No, let's get right to it.

Charlie, you go in first.
You've seen combat.

Uh, you don't survive by going in first.

All right.

Hey, girl. How's your day going?

Go away. I'm busy.

Uh, listen,

I'm not very good at
apologies, so, um...

we cool?

What Hank means to say

is that he's sorry. That's
what you mean to say,

Hank, right? I don't want
to put words in your mouth,

but you tell Margaret
you're sorry right now.

I'll say I'm sorry when I'm ready.

All right, I'm ready.

So, um, I'm not good with apologies,

but I was watching that show, uh,

- This Is Us.
- Yeah.

And the black dude on the
show would say, uh...

I can kind of be a jerk when
people tell me what to do.

Especially when they're right.

Well, I-I'm kind of the same way.

Except I'm usually right,

so it's not that big
of a problem for me.

Hey, Tom, don't be petty.

No?

Look, guys...

when I watched my ex-husband

run our business into the ground,

I swore I would never let
a man steamroll me again.

I mean, I love hanging out
with you guys, but I'm...

sick of being condescended to.

I'm sick of being ignored,

- I'm sick of being...
- Margaret...

I'm sick of being interrupted.

It's not the 1950s, you guys.

Times have changed, and
you have to change, too.

I'm not saying you have to
agree with me all the time,

but I need to be heard.

Well, Margaret, you know what they say.

Men are from Mars, and women are from...

Well, my mother was from Philadelphia,

- but she grew up in a small...
- Charlie. Charlie.

We were stupid to not listen to you.

Yeah, and if your ex didn't
listen to you, he's stupid, too.

You know, if we all pitch in,

it's not too late to
finish that cookie order.

What do you say, boss?

What do I say? What do I say?

♪ Lookee, lookee ♪

♪ We got us a cookie ♪

♪ Lookee, lookee ♪

♪ We got us a cookie ♪

♪ Lookee, lookee ♪

♪ We got us a cookie ♪

♪ Lookee, lookee ♪

♪ We got us a cookie ♪

Remix!

♪ Lookee, lookee, lookee... ♪

Hey.

What the hell did you
do to my apartment?

Edie, you're home early.

How was Mulan?

I'm gonna be honest with you.

Edie, I completely forgot

to water your plants.

Feel free to help
yourself to some cookies.

And if you find any change
in this chair, it's mine.

♪ Lookee, lookee ♪

♪ We got us a cookie ♪

♪ Lookee, lookee ♪

♪ We got us a cookie ♪

♪ Lookee, lookee ♪

♪ We got us a cookie. ♪