The Conners (2018–…): Season 5, Episode 8 - Of Missing Minds and Missing Fries - full transcript

How's the job hunt going, Mom?

Slow. It's the first time

I've ever applied for
managerial positions.

The jobs I used to
look for just asked

if I've ever been to prison

and to click on all the squares
that have stop signs in 'em.

Well, I'd be careful
about putting all

that personal information
out there, Darlene.

What if you're sending your
résumé to some nefarious creep

lurking on the Dark Web?

Well, if Thanos is looking



for a mid-level minion and
he promotes from within,

I'd at least like
to be considered.

I'm gonna go get everybody.

Have you gotten
any responses yet?

You know, just the usual
first wave of rejections,

but that happens when you
apply for a lot of jobs.

Sorry. All that rejection
must really hurt.

I mean, I don't know, 'cause
I got my Whole Foods job

10 minutes after I applied.

Grandpa. That's for everybody.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize

we were in the
middle of a famine.

Well, did you get a job yet?

Not since you asked
two hours ago.



My dad always said,

"You don't quit a job
till ya got another job."

Of course, he was a
drunk who also said

nothing good ever came
from educated women.

My point is, I bet you regret

leaving Wellman so quickly now.

I know I regret it.

The company was destroying
the environment, Ben.

I couldn't live with myself if
I worked there for one more day.

Yes, I know, and
I appreciate that,

but just for the
sake of argument,

isn't everything a little
bad for the environment?

No.

My dad left me cheap old paint
from Nigeria with lead in it,

and I mix and sell
that paint every day

and I sleep like a log.

Probably 'cause I mix paint
with lead in it, but...

I know you're worried, but
I'm going to get something.

I finally have a solid résumé
that I didn't have to lie on.

What? No lies?!

Let's see this
little bio of truth.

No. It's... It's boring. You
wouldn't want to hear it.

Yes, we would. And
that's why I...

printed it out. Oh!

"I-I like to think of
myself as a people person

who sees the good
in everyone."

I do, you mean,
empty-headed Barbie!

Uh, "I have a positive
attitude, high energy..."

"and I believe
overcontrolling managers

stifle productivity."

Oh, I do declare,

I believe my productivity
is bein' stifled.

Uh-oh, she gonna
get it! She gonna get it!

Nobody tells the
truth on these things,

or nobody would have a job.

Oh. Oh. There you go, people.

My first interview.

With a company that makes
acoustic ceiling tiles.

Alright. Dare to
dream, everybody.

Alright!

Hey, uh, something just happened

that I need to talk
to you guys about.

I was just with Grandma Bev.

The hell were you doing
going to see Grandma Bev?

You've seen horror movies.

You're supposed to run
away from the monster!

Well, I felt bad because
no one goes to see her,

so I took her to a
senior aqua-cize class,

and in the middle of it, she
scared the hell out of me.

She didn't know where she
was or why she was there.

I think she might have dementia.

Ugh. God. Here we go.

Somebody needs my attention.

I don't go see her
for a couple of years,

because for once

I hold a boundary to
take care of myself,

and now she's got dementia.

When my dad started losing it,

my half-brother urged me to
go see him, and I said no.

I regret that.

Maybe it's not an act.

It's her pattern.

Dan, remember?

Last time she moved in with me,

she said it was
because she was broke,

but actually they kicked
her out of the senior home

for spreading VD.

I'll go see her, but, you know,

if this is somehow
chlamydia-related,

I'm gonna be pissed.

Captions by VITAC...

"The Conners" is filmed

in front of a live
studio audience.

Uh, I looked it up,
and I never realized

that acoustic ceiling tiles

are really the unsung heroes
of our everyday lives.

Well, I must say,
Darlene

your résumé does
tick all the boxes

for what we're looking for
in a production manager.

But I have to ask... Why
did you leave Wellman?

Well, I achieved everything
I wanted to there,

and I felt it was time to
look for bigger challenges.

It's all in my bio.

"Achieved everything, likes to
look for bigger challenges."

So, I did speak to
your supervisor, Robin.

She was very complimentary.

But Bill Wellman called
me about an hour ago.

Oh.

Uh, how's ol' Bill doing?

He told me that you
weren't a team player

and you have a bad attitude.

Oh, yeah, we would joke
around a lot like that.

He'd say, "You have a
bad attitude, Darlene!"

And I'd say, "You're bald
and a big liar, Bill!"

And we would just
laugh and laugh.

Hm. Hey, look, I get
that people hold grudges

when someone they're counting
on leaves the company.

I'd love to hear
your side of it.

Okay. Here's the truth.

Wellman is poisoning
the groundwater,

and they wanted me
to lie to the public.

Do you drink water?

'Cause Bill Wellman is
trying to murder you.

Why didn't you tell me
that in the first place?

Because it sounds crazy if
I can't give you any proof.

Bill also said you
were an overly dramatic

eco-conspiracy
nut with no proof.

Well.

I am not surprised he
painted me that way.

Because the truth is...

Bill is in love with me.

I think it's safe to say

we're done here.

Agreed. When do I start?

Blink if I'm hired.

Blink if you validate.

Hello! Jackie: Hi, Mom.

Well, you got me here,
so let the show begin!

Kind of surprised that you
don't have pants on your head

and you're yelling about aliens

and building a mountain
out of mashed potatoes.

What are you going on about?

Nothing you say
ever makes sense.

That's why people lose
interest in you so quickly.

Okay, well, um, I stopped
by for a wellness check.

You're still awful, so
I will see you next time

when I'm here to
identify the body. Bye.

Just stop your
gibberish and come in.

I haven't seen you in forever!

Oi.

Nice circle.

You forgot to draw
the pentagram in it.

These are all the things I need.

I was afraid that I would
forget where I put them,

so I keep them all near.

Oh, I see. That's a
nice touch, Mom, yeah.

So, you know, uh,

the real reason that
I'm here is that

Harris said you didn't know
where you were yesterday

when you were at the pool
for your senior exercise.

Don't be so silly.

I know where I am all the time.

Hmm.

Harris who?

Darlene's daughter, Harris.
She took you to the Y.

Just cut the crap.

Mom.

Oh, you don't remember her?

Of course I do. Yes.

And that reminds me.

Could you tell Roseanne

that she needs to come
by and visit me, too?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about your sister.

Do you not know
who your sister is?

Roseanne's gone, Mom.

She passed away.

What?

Oh, my God.

When did this happen?

You really don't know, do you?

It was years ago, Mom.

You don't remember any of this?

Okay.

Uh, let's...

Let's get you a-a
check-up, and, um...

in the meantime, I'll
just... spend the night here.

Yes.

That would be
nice.

I always know that I can
count on you for comfort.

You know who I am, right?

Of course.

I'm Jackie.

Jackie. Right.

Yeah. Your daughter, Jackie.

I know you're my
daughter. Stop slouching!

It makes your tiny
boobs look smaller.

Oh, there's my girl.

Great. Bill Wellman is
badmouthing me so much,

now I'm even being turned
down by jobs I'm perfect for.

If you want, I can ask
if there's any openings

at my grocery store.

There are some people who
open boxes in the back.

They're strange, kind of feral
people with no social skills.

You could be their queen.

You know, when I was in
my 22nd hour of labor,

pushing a watermelon
through a Cheerio,

I was kind of hoping for
somebody more grateful.

He'd be more grateful
if that Cheerio

was a portal to another family.

Hey, I got him a new dad.

Anyway, I-I already took a job
with a food delivery service.

Food delivery?

They tip in advance. There's
hardly any human contact.

This was practically
made for you.

How did it go?
Did you see Bev?

I spent the night.
Harris is right.

I think she's starting
to develop dementia.

I'm so sorry,
Jackie. That's rough.

You know, if you don't
have an active social life,

you have a higher chance
of getting dementia,

and we left her alone a lot.

Yeah, well, because
of the COVID.

Sure. Of course. The COVID.

That's our story, right?

They also say you have a
higher chance of getting it

if you have a hearing
loss. I missed that sign.

Damn woman never
heard a word I said.

Look, I just, uh, wanted to
let you know what was going on,

but I know it all falls on me,
and it's just so damn unfair!

Morning beer, huh?

Well, if there was ever a time.

But they say if you drink
alone, you have a problem.

Let me help you stay healthy.

Thanks. It is unfair.

That woman doesn't deserve
to have you look after her

for the rest of her life.

That's not the unfair part, Dan.

I should've gone to her sooner.

Well, now that you know,
you can be there for her.

I'm not talking
about compassion.

I'm talking about revenge, man!

Now, when I finally
get my life together,

she's all in and out of it.

I might never get
the satisfaction

of telling her how
wrong she was about me!

So, catch her while she's
"in" and let her know

how you overcame all the
damage she did to you.

I was afraid to tell her
while she's so vulnerable,

but she never cared
about my vulnerability.

I'm gonna do it.

Spent her entire life telling
me what a failure I was.

I'm gonna shove my
happiness right in her face!

That's what I always wanted
to kill her, not dementia.

This all sounds good, Darlene.
I think you'd be a perfect fit.

I'll e-mail you
an offer in a few.

Oh, that would be so
great, Travis. Thank you.

What was that?

One of the people
that Robin talked to

before Bill stopped her
is offering me a job.

Yes! Ha!

It's a mid-level
management position

at a ball-point pen
manufacturing plant.

Ohh!

I'm feeling a happy
dance coming on!

Yeah... yeah.

Ha-ha!

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Okay. Here's the offer.

Oh, crap.

He's lowballing
me. Well, come on.

That's still more than you're
gonna make delivering food.

Well, speaking of, I have
to make some deliveries.

But first... You
know what? No.

"I appreciate the offer,

but I need 50% more.

I'm willing to look past all
my other offers for this one."

Come on. You really think now
is the time to be bluffing?

You got a bird in the hand.

Look, I know you're scared,
and I'm scared, too,

but I did the impossible.

I'm a Conner and I clawed
my way into management

and a decent salary.

You know, if I take this offer,

I could end up working
the rest of my life

and never make it
back to where I was.

You're right.

Don't take a penny
less than you deserve.

And get medical, too.

Oh, yeah. You know what?

You're right.
I-I've earned that.

Yeah, we're gonna need it,
'cause I think I pulled

something in my groin
doing the happy dance.

Food delivery! It's
Darlene with your food!

Darlene Conner?

From the job interview?

Well, of course.

Who else would this happen to?

This is classic.

I assume the other job
offers you were talking about

were from Pizza Hut and Grubhub?

Um, look, this is
awkward, obviously.

Uh, but I just didn't
want to jump into

the wrong management position,

so I took a temp job.

But my qualifications
haven't changed,

so if you are good
with my counter-offer,

we split a six-foot sub,

and the people at
the 12-step meeting

have to fill up on
coffee and cigarettes.

I know this is a
bad coincidence,

but let's be honest...

It doesn't make any sense
for me to negotiate.

Okay. How about this?

I can go...

as low as that.

Oh. Look at that.
It's one of yours.

My family is waiting for dinner.
Do we have a deal or not?

Look, I deserve
what I asked for,

and I just can't take any less.

You're making a big mistake.

No, you're making a big mistake,

because you could
have a great employee,

but corporate guys
like you are so greedy

that they have to grind
the little guy for pennies

rather than pay them
what they're worth.

And it's pretty messed up that
you're taking advantage of me

because you think I'm desperate.

Well, I'm not desperate
enough to sell my integrity

to some greedy bastard like you.

And you know what?

I ate your coleslaw,
and it was fantastic.

Hey, Mom. I saw the nurse.
She said you had a good day.

Everything come back to
you? You know who I am?

Of course I do, Jackie.

I hope this is good soup.

Not like that warm
dishwater you serve

at that failing
restaurant of yours.

Okay. Alright.

Well, now that I know
the lights are on...

Uh, it's not failing.
It's thriving.

Mom.

You spent your entire
life belittling me,

uh, making me doubt
myself, hate myself,

uh, telling me that I'd never
be happy or worthy of love,

and you were wrong.

Mom, I'm happy, I'm healthy,

and I found somebody
who loves me,

and we got married, and
we didn't invite you,

and he's a doctor, Mom!

And he thinks I'm
funny and adorable,

and we are gonna
hold each other tight

until the day we die!

Hunh!

Man, I've... I've
spent my entire life

trying to get your approval,
and now I don't need it.

You understand?

Do ya?

This is very important to
me that you understand...

that I don't need your approval.

I have to not have
it. Give it to me.

Al Harris is taking me

to the sock hop Saturday night.

I think he wants to go steady.

No. Wait. No.

Mom, don't do this to me.

Why am I even talking to you?

Where's my daughter? I
wanna tell my daughter!

I'm right here! Mom,
do you remember me?

Huh?!

I-I-I'm the loser who no
sane man could ever love.

Who wouldn't love you?

I mean, I know we just met,
but let me give you a hug!

Sure.

Yeah.

You seem like a lovely person.

So...

why don't you sit down and...

Here. There you go.

And I'll just sit over here.

And, um...

I'll tell you about my mom.

Oh, God. She was
a horrible person.

Dinner's ready! It's
Thanksgiving, people!

What's going on? Where's all
the tasteless vegan stuff?

And is that a real
turkey or is that

some sort of
turkey-shaped mushroom?

Uh, no, that's a dead
animal right there.

Lived, breathed, had
hopes and dreams,

and now you're gonna eat it.

Thank you, Lord! Can't wait
to put gravy on them dreams.

Uh-oh. The last time
she cooked us meat

was to tell us that Dad left.

No, I just want you all to know

that I turned down
a job yesterday.

I had to do it, but I'm
sorry for any sacrifices

you'll be forced to
make because of it.

We'll all just tighten our
belts a bit for the near future.

But first, I'm
gonna loosen mine,

'cause this'll probably
be the last big meal

we're gonna have for a while.

You did the right thing
passing on that offer.

You're smart, you
do your job well,

something else will come along.

You promise? Absolutely not!

Hello, family.

How'd your talk go with Bev?

Uh, I'm not sure.

Right after I finished, she said
she was going to the sock hop

with my dead father.

Wow. It's like "Happy
Days" with VD and a ghost.

I mean, she was just so in
and out of it that I gave up,

and even if it registered,

she'd just forget it
the next day. Yeah.

Maybe she's
suppressing everything

because it's too painful
for her remembering

how awful she was to you.

Wow, Harris. That's
very profound.

Yeah, I don't know
where that came from.

My brain must have
needed the meat.

So, I found somebody part-time,

but now I've got to get
a long-term caregiver.

Jackie, I give you
a lot of credit

for stepping up to
take care of her.

You're being very
healthy about this.

Well, even after all the
horrible things she did to me,

she's still my mother,
but the sad thing is,

I think she's gonna be
sweet to me from now on.

Would it help if we reminded you

once in a while that
you're a slouching failure?

Aww! You guys!

You're the best!

To Bev.

- Yeah!
- To Bev!

Now, I'm not the kind of person

who waits for a will
to do something nice.

I wanna see the joy
on your little faces

when I give you these things.

Aww. I'm... I'm not sure we
should take stuff, Grandma Bev.

You might change
your mind. Shut up!

She wants the pleasure of giving.
Let the old woman have it.

This is a very rare,

priceless necklace!

Ohh. Wow!

Made from your Aunt
Jackie's umbilical cord!

Unh!

Think about that next time
you call me "old woman."