The Conners (2018–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - Book Bans and Guillotine Hands - full transcript

[♪♪]

I'm sorry
I couldn't join you guys.

I, uh, had a rehearsal
for this gig

I got coming up
on the weekend.

Oh, gig!
Oh, wow.

Well, Neville's busy,
I got nothing going on.

I'd love to stop by,
rock out,

throw some elbows
in the mosh pit.

Yeah, sorry.

- It's a private show.
- Oh.

Ohh.
Is it for somebody famous?



Come on.
We won't tell anybody.

Mainly 'cause
we don't have any friends.

Well... kinda famous.

Mm.

Okay, it's the Hunter Feldstein
bar mitzvah,

and yes, he is president
of the student council,

so it's kind of
a big deal.

Plus, his dad owns
a car dealership,

so it pays well
and we get brisket.

Oh, don't worry, Ben.
I got the dishes.

I also cooked, so I like to do
all the work after the meal

for a sense
of completion.

Huh?
Oh, good for you, honey.

Hey, um,
the Chamber of Commerce



is having Halloween festivities
all week downtown

and they're asking us
retailers to participate,

but I'm not gonna be able
to help your dad

decorate the house
and do that, too.

Oh, just throw some stuff
in a bowl and leave it outside.

If you're taking your kid to
a hardware store on Halloween,

you're officially giving up
as a parent anyway.

Oh. Actually, I would have
loved that as a kid.

My mom only took me
to a couple of houses

to trick-or-treat,
and then I had to rub her legs

for the rest of the night
while she ate my candy.

Oh, hey, they're having

a "Most Creative
Frankenstein Costume" contest

at that bar
near the new house.

250 bucks.

- You should enter that!
- Nah.

You've still got
the neck bolts

and the size 26 boots
from a year ago. Mm-hmm.

That costume was fire!

[ As Frankenstein ]
Ahhh! Fire!

Fire! Aah!

Very amusing.

But please don't do that
when the city inspector

stops by the new house
on Tuesday

to check out
the electrical.

Tuesday?

Oh, there's no way we're
gonna be ready for him.

Oh, that's why I gotta work
straight through Halloween,

and I'm gonna need a hand.

Oh, wait.

I have one right here.

- Oh! Oh!
- Ahh!

[ Laughter ]

Hey, if you guys
are working at night,

can you try to keep
the noise down?

One of the new neighbors
told me the entire block's

already upset because
construction's taking so long.

Ha. Sorry the free labor
isn't building your new house

as quickly and quietly
as you'd like.

Look, I just want a fresh
start with new neighbors.

Instead of having to roll
into the driveway

with my headlights off,

I'd like to be able to get out
and wave and invite them

to a barbecue that we both know
is never really gonna happen.

When you do that,
you let me know,

and I will whip up
some of my famous

make-believe potato salad.

It takes a lot of imaginary
time, but it's so worth it.

I've already taken
the first step

at getting in good
with the new neighbors.

I put up this small
lending library box

in the front of the new house
with free books

that people can take.

Well, that may be the last place
people can get books

they actually want.

I follow this human rights group
on Instagram,

and the moron who represents us
on the school board

is trying to ban a bunch of
the classics at Mark's school.

I don't like book banning,
but some parents

just want to have a say
in what their kids are reading.

Personally, I've always thought
that kind of parenting

got in the way
of my TV time.

This idiot wants to ban
"To Kill a Mockingbird,"

"Catcher in the Rye,"
"The Scarlet Letter."

I spent my whole day
going door-to-door

to get people to sign
a petition to recall this guy.

Yeah, good for you.
You get in people's faces!

Make 'em uncomfortable!

Well, we need
more volunteers.

- You wanna help?
- Uh, me? No.

I don't believe in bothering
people at home.

And yet, here you are.

As important
as freedom of speech is,

we have a bigger issue
facing us...

How we're gonna get the house
decorated in time for Halloween.

Now, I'm not gonna be able
to do any of it,

so you guys are gonna
have to step up.

Well, we don't know
how to rig all the lights

and animatronics
and all that other stuff.

And now there's
a hand guillotine.

I'd like to point out
that we've had a toaster

that's been broken
for 20 years,

but we have
a hand guillotine.

I don't wanna hear
any excuses.

Your mother and I were busy,
too, but we got it done.

Get you butts in gear
and make it happen, cap'n.

[ Sighs ]

All right, uh, who wants
to get their butt in gear?

[ Sighs ]

So we're not doing
Halloween this year?

Okay,
who's gonna tell Dad?

Not me.
Not it.

Okay,
so we're all agreed.

It's Becky.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Captions by VITAC...

"The Conners" is filmed

in front
of a live studio audience.

Your dad's gonna be
so disappointed

we're not doing
Halloween.

Well,
I can't help decorate

because I am trying
to save democracy.

You guys are just old and lazy.

She's not wrong.

I just really need a break
from Halloween this year.

My kids have outgrown it.

The new house
has been exhausting.

Plus, staying on Ben's ass

to build the lending library
took a lot out of me.

Oh, for some reason,

it had to have
a little chimney.

Now, I've never seen a library
with a fireplace before,

but that didn't matter,
did it?

Uh, even tiny little people
like to snuggle up

and read by the fire.

Oh, yeah, I had to build
tiny little people, too. Mm.

Well, count me out.

It's my first Halloween
living with Neville.

We're gonna dress up some of
the animals at his clinic.

You know you can make a lamb
look like Abraham Lincoln,

but he's gonna eat
the beard every time.

But you see what I'm saying?
Abra-lamb Lincoln?

[ Laughs ]

Oh, just me?

Okay.

Oh, look, you know, your dad's
gonna barely be around

to enjoy
Halloween anyway.

It is not the end of the world
if we miss one year.

Wait, you guys are bailing
on Halloween?

Yeah,
and you have to tell Dad.

It was unanimous.

What?
No! No, wait.

This is Beverly Rose's
first real Halloween.

COVID stole
the last two.

We have to make
this one special!

Well, you're the only one
with a young kid.

It's your fault for waiting
to have one

until five seconds before
your womb turned to stone.

[ Sighs ] Fine.

If you guys aren't gonna
set up Halloween,

I guess I'll just have
to do it myself.

Thanks, Becky.
Oh, great!

- Perfect.
- Wait! No!

That was supposed to guilt
you into helping me!

Yeah, strangely enough,

the guilt just made us
walk faster.

Bye-bye!

[♪♪]

[ Knock on door ]

I'll get it.

Hi.
Uh, can I help you?

Hi. I'm Pamela Finch.

I live three houses down

from where
you're building your new home.

Oh, hi.

That's my house.
I'm Darlene.

Really nice to meet you,
neighbor.

Please, come in.

Hmm.

And, uh...
just so you know,

the new house is gonna be
a lot cleaner.

And it won't smell like
a nursing home...

inside a brewery
inside an Arby's.

That's good to hear.

Uh, some of the other neighbors
asked me to come over.

We have a little issue with the
lending library in front of your house.

Please don't tell me
it's the chimney.

'Cause that would make
my husband right,

and I can't have that kind
of toxic dynamic in my marriage.

I've never actually seen
a chimney on a library before,

but that's not
why I'm here.

[ Sighs ] We've been patient
with the hammering at night,

but now you're using
this library to,

well, push your politics
on the neighborhood.

Politics?

Oh, are you talking about
the vegan cookbook?

'Cause you can bring
as much meat

as you want
to the barbecue.

Oh, did I tell you
I'm having a barbecue?

You're invited.
Uh, no.

It's about you sticking
these flyers in the books

that you're putting out.

The... The books that the
school board is trying to ban.

That would be me.

I put those in there.
You what?

Well, we'd like you
to take them out.

Well, we don't care
what you want.

You can't censor books
because you don't agree

with the ideas in them.

Harris,
let me handle this.

No,
it's your lending library

and we can put
what we want in it.

And if you have a problem
with it,

you could make your own
lending library

and put as much Ronald Reagan
fan fiction in it as you want.

Harris, go upstairs.

Please. Right now.

Seriously? [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

Thank you, Darlene.

Look, my daughter's
a very passionate person.

Look, I understand.

Listen, if you want to make
a better first impression

with your new neighbors,

why don't you get her
under control,

get rid of all the fliers
and the provocative books?

Because of her aggressive,
radical agenda,

I had to take
"Lady Chatterley's Lover"

away from my 9-year-old.

Well, I noticed that you
never returned it.

So I'm gonna have to disinvite
you from the barbecue.

Your loss, because my aunt
makes world-famous potato salad.

Good day.

[♪♪]

How's it going?

Ohh! Just great!

[ Sighs ]

I'm just
a few pieces away

from being 100 pieces away
from being done.

Sorry I can't help, but I have
to go to this bar mitzvah.

I gotta go watch a boy
become a man. [ Chuckles ]

And for the first time,
I'll have nothing to do with it.

Okay.

[ Door opens ]
Beverly Rose: Mommy.

[ Door closes ]

Son of a...

Ow! Uh!

Look, Mommy.
I helped.

Oh, good job
getting the cobwebs, honey.

Okay.

This looks like
a human femur.

And this is...

a dog tail?

Either there are
multiple skeletons in here,

or one product
of a very forbidden love.

You know what?

Let's just call this
a scary Halloween tumbleweed.

Let's see if this old thing
still works.

Okay.

[ Electricity crackling ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Sighs ]

Beverly Rose.

Are you excited to be moving
into your new house?

Yes!

Good. Then you're gonna
have to pitch in.

I'm gonna put you
on the table saw.

Can I, Mommy?

No.

And Grandpa
has to stop making

life-threatening things
sound fun.

Okay.

Hey, I just noticed

there's no Halloween decorations
up outside yet.

You guys are really gonna have
to kick it into gear

to get it all done.

Everybody bailed.

I'm the only one who wants
to do Halloween this year.

Oh, wow.

Well, I appreciate
the effort,

but if nobody wants to do it,
I can't make them.

I can't believe
I'm the only one who cares.

Beverly Rose is never
gonna know how cool this was.

But she will understand
disappointment,

and that's an important lesson
to learn in this family.

Oh, be careful
of that skull.

The wires
are a little, uh, hinky.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[ Sighs ]

Hey.
Hey.

How was
the bar mitzvah?

Well, I learned
that, uh, "Hell Is for Children"

is not
a bar mitzvah song...

and that, uh, Uncle Saul
is all hands

when he's had
a couple of drinks.

But I brought you a doggy bag
with some brisket

and a chocolate dreidel.

You're a mensch.

I can't find the remote.

Would you act out a couple
of scenes from "Cops" for me?

And at the end go...

[Slurred]
"Those ain't my drugs.

This is my cousin's car."

I just love that.

Oh.

Wow.

You know, Halloween is
just a couple days away.

I thought the place
would be decorated by now.

Ah, it still looks like a house
where scary things happen,

but more in a "That's not the
right color for tap water" kinda way.

[ Laughs ]

Hey, you okay?

Nope.

I asked everybody to step up
and help with the decorating,

and they didn't.

Halloween's
our big holiday.

Well, if the kids don't want
to do it, screw 'em.

You were doing it mostly
for them anyway, right?

Well, also for myself.

When Roseanne and I
were first married,

our... our families
hated each other,

so Thanksgiving and Christmas
were miserable.

But Halloween was for us,
and we loved it.

All right, well, you know,
we'll just skip it this year.

And I promise...
You can still take

Easter eggs off
the neighbors' lawn

before the kids
come outside.

You love that.

We'll just do Halloween
next year.

I doubt it.

Darlene, Becky, and Beverly Rose
are all moving out.

Mark's going to college.
Everybody's got their own lives.

And once they stop, it'll be
hard as hell to get them back.

Ah, it's the end
of an era.

Ahh...

I don't even feel like
eating my dreidel.

[♪♪]

I don't know if I'm making this
the right size.

How's it look to you?

Beverly Rose!
Can you come in here a sec?

Mommy has to measure your
beautiful face for your costume.

Can I be
an astronaut leopard princess?

Sorry, sweetie.

That request is about
eight hours late.

[ Sighs ]

This year Mama's gonna work
through the night

to make you
a beautiful rose costume

so that you can go
as a "Beverly Rose."

An astronaut leopard rose?

No. Just a rose.

With petals that
the hot glue gun

burns right through
to Mommy's fingers.

[ Sighs ]

[ Scissors thud ]
Ow!

The scissors are in your foot,
and it's bleeding.

[ Breathing heavily ]

It sure is, honey.

Uh...

There's a mummy in the trunk
in the garage.

Could you bring it in here?
Mommy needs the bandages.

Okay.
Okay.

Hey, Beverly Rose.

I can't talk now.

Like I'm dying to hear
what Peppa Pig did today.

God, those scissors
in your foot look so real.

It's a long story.

You ready to talk?

There's nothing
to talk about.

I only came down here
because I thought you left.

I know. That's why I backed
out of the driveway,

drove around the block,
and then pulled back in.

You took her side,
didn't you?

No, I did not.

But you put me
in a really bad situation.

You always told us to stand up
for what we believe in

because you believed
in those things, too.

You told Mark
not to hide being gay.

You told Beverly Rose
not to hide being smart.

I'm standing up
for freedom of speech,

and you tell me to shut up
and go to my room?

Because I have to live next
to these people, all right?

Everybody always looked down
on me

in this neighborhood
because of my parents,

and I don't want anyone
looking down on me

in the new neighborhood
because of you.

For once, I'd like people
to dislike me for me.

God,
you're such a sellout.

Why don't you care more about
what I think of you

than a bunch of strangers?

Because you stopped liking me
when you were 8.

I gotta go with people
I got a shot with.

[♪♪]

Damn it.

Happy Halloween,
little people.

Have some candy corn.

Sorry if I crushed anyone.

Damn it, Ben.

You forgot to lock this thing.

All: Happy Halloween!

Holy crap!

We knew you were disappointed
we weren't doing Halloween

back at the house,
so we did it here.

Yep. We're gonna have the
trick-or-treaters come in,

do the whole nine yards,
just like we were at the house.

Oh, and we're gonna scare
the crap out of them with this.

Whoa!

I love it!

That's why you sent me
all the way

to that electrical supply house
in Winnetka?

Oh, well, no shame
being outsmarted

by Ben Franklin-stein.

I am on $100 bills, so that's
why you wouldn't recognize me.

[ Laughter ]

Jackie: Well, I know
you've been working hard,

so how would you like a little
bite to eat prepared by me...

Dr. Stew-little?

I talk to the animals, and
then I chop 'em up into stew!

'Cause I'm a sicko!

I apologize for thinking
you guys were gonna

let me down this year.

Oh, no, actually,
that was the plan. Yeah.

Until, uh, this showed up
on the family group text.

If you guys don't make this
happen for Dan,

who's devoted his life to you
and asks for nothing in return,

I will stuff you all
into those Halloween trunks,

wait till you've dried out,

and use you
as next year's decorations!

It's, uh, funny how psychopathic
threats can help you see

something from
a different point of view.

Well,
that's why I love her!

Even if she is dressed up
like, uh,

Alice Cooper
in Wonderland.

Ah,
welcome to my nightmare.

Aww. That's what I said
when she first married me.

And we actually have
a costume for you

while you're working
on the electrical system.

- Yep.
- Oh.

There you go.
Put that on.

Okay.

Put out your hand.

Yes, ma'am.
Thank you.

Okay, now touch
that outlet. [ Laughs ]

Okay.

[ Electricity crackling ]

Yessss!

I love it!

Mommy,
it's a haunted house.

And there is candy.

Okay.

Where were you?

I tried texting you to come
help us, like, three hours ago.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Am I moving
a little slowly for you?

I have two swollen fingers,
a wrenched back,

hot glue gun burns,
and a hole in my foot

because somebody decided we're
skipping Halloween this year!

Well, what matters now
is that you're here

and you're dressed as...

a flying Q-tip?

No, I am
a Helicopter Mummy.

It was clever, and it
stopped the bleeding.

And you are a...

tiger lily!

No, Grandpa.
I'm a leopard rose.

Well, I'm...

shocked!

[ Electricity crackling ]

[♪♪]

Don't get excited.
I'm not here for you.

I'm here for Grandpa.

Oh.

Aww.
I like your costume.

You look like
somebody who was, uh,

unjustly slut-shamed
by a Puritan village.

I'm Hester Prynne... gles.

Mm.

Guess what your mom is.

Uh, well, I think it's
just random so she can show us

she still fits in her
Little League uniform.

No.

I thought a lot about
what you said,

and I do care
about censorship,

and I do care
what you think of me,

so that's why I am
the catcher in the rye.

Yeah.

Well, it's not exactly
proactive,

but I know you must feel like
an idiot in that costume,

so that makes me happy.

Oh, it gets better.

Even though I wanna make
a fresh start

with my new neighbors,
everybody who stops by

to trick-or-treat
will get the message.

Thanks, Mom.

It's possible I was wrong
about you when I was 8.

If they ask,
it was your idea,

and you got it from Pamela Finch
three doors down.

Happy Halloween,
everybody!

[ Woman laughs evilly ]

[♪♪]

[ Whirring ]

Drop dead.

[ Woman laughs evilly ]

Take more!

[♪♪]

Jacked up!

[♪♪]

[ Man laughs evilly ]

[♪♪]

Man: Ha. Ha. Ha.

[ Screams ]
[ All scream ]