The Conners (2018–…): Season 4, Episode 20 - A Judge and a Priest Walk Into a Living Room... - full transcript
The Conners gear up for a megawedding; Jackie and Neville, Darlene and Ben, and Harris and Aldo are planning for a shared big day, but along the way they discover that some of the couples may not be on the same page.
"The Conners" is filmed
in front of a live
studio audience.
Okay.
Now let's see what we all
agree on for the wedding.
Nothing.
So we'll start from there.
Uh, okay.
Under "Entertainment,"
I think we can safely
cross off Fleetwood Mac.
Why?
We really want them,
and you never know
unless you try.
I-I... I think Lindsey
Buckingham lives in the area.
I'm almost positive I
saw him at the Goodwill.
And you should see him
now... bald, overweight.
He's virtually unrecognizable.
Okay, you saw a random
old lady with alopecia.
Near miss. Moving on.
Oh, Harris and Aldo,
I was a little surprised
by your choice.
Now, I did not figure you
guys for patrons of the opera.
Okay, so, I met this
guy at the tattoo shop.
Listen to this.
MAN: [On cellphone] ♪ So wait
and pray each night for me ♪
♪ Till we meet again ♪
I mean, it's not "Landslide,"
but it's pretty good.
Well, all in favor?
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, hey, hey! Okay.
Our first unanimous
choice is opera.
Did not see that coming.
Uh, okay, next, location.
Oh, come on. It has to be
the reptile house at the zoo.
I removed something from
the gullet of Totoro,
their Komodo dragon.
He ate his girlfriend,
so this is the closest he's
ever gonna get to a wedding.
Okay, we have a choice
that's way better...
the shores of the
Des Plains River.
Shores?
There's just a cement bank with
the skeletons of the animals
that drank out of the river.
Oh, yeah, but I mean
a block further down
where the current washes
the carcasses into the lake.
It is so pretty.
Why don't you just have
it here at the house?
We'll move the furniture out,
the place will look great,
and you can save a ton of money.
Great idea, Dan. Thanks.
I think you've earned
yourself a beer.
[Scoffs] If you insist.
- Yeah? Huh?
- Yeah!
Hey, hey, hey!
Okay, great, we got a location.
Next, ceremony.
Okay, okay, this is my only ask.
I really want one piece of
the wedding to feel like me,
so instead of a priest,
I would like the person officiating
the ceremony to be someone secular.
The guy who just notarized my
home loan is a retired judge,
and he said he would
be happy to do it.
Well, I don't know.
Okay, how about this?
What if we take all our
wedding announcement pictures
for the newspaper
at The Lunch Box
and we all hold stew
instead of bouquets?
Oh, honey, please?
Free advertising gets
Mama's motor runnin'.
Wow, I never imagined
getting married by a judge
instead of a priest,
but I want to make you happy,
so sentence me to
your love prison
and throw away the
key, Your Honor.
Hey, everybody, the
bakery just sent over
samples of wedding cakes.
If you want to get in
there before Beverly Rose
has licked all of
them, you better hurry.
Don't you want to
pick out a cake?
I've seen your daughter
drink toilet water.
I'll go with the group.
So...
Did you get Aldo off the
having a baby right away thing?
Yeah.
Usually when he comes
up with an idea,
he gets distracted by something
else and forgets about it.
So I got him a 2,000-piece
Lego Taj Mahal.
That should buy
me 10 to 15 years.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
- Hey, Harris?
- Hey.
I want to surprise Neville
with something for the wedding,
so could you tattoo his
name on my ring finger?
So, Aldo is the
lettering master,
but if you want Neville riding
a dragon between your boobs,
I could do that.
Uh, let's start with
the finger first,
and, uh, but, yeah, maybe
for our silver anniversary,
when there's more space
between the girls.
I can't wait for the weddings.
If any family needed a boost
of fresh DNA, this is it.
Hey, stop jawin' and fold
that afghan, would ya?
Man, this has been
here forever, right?
Where'd it come from?
Well, it's an interesting story.
Around the turn of
the last century...
our family lived in a small
town in Ireland called Kilkenny.
Aah! They killed Kenny!
Save whatever that
is for your kids.
Anyway...
they were very poor,
so my great-grandfather decided
to take a boat to America
to seek his fortune.
But the family was
worried that the baby,
my... my grandfather,
would die from the cold.
[Laughs] Your
grandfather was a baby.
So was yours.
Anyway, they crocheted
that to keep the baby warm.
That afghan represents the
hopes and dreams of our family
coming to America.
I guess all the hopes and
dreams fell through the holes.
What you looking at?
Oh, uh, now that I'm gonna
be moving into the new house
with Darlene, I
adjusted the plans.
Here, check it out.
See, I'm taking out this
guest bedroom with the bath
and I'm putting in a music
room for me and Mark.
- Hmm.
- Huh?
That's my room.
Oh, damn.
Well, I didn't know you
were still planning on
moving in with us. I'm sorry.
No, no, no, that's fine.
There's a little Harry Potter
space under the stairs.
I can raise Beverly Rose there.
At least until she
starts hunching over.
Then we can move to the
tool shed. It's taller.
Don't be silly.
My golf clubs go
under the stairs.
Ben doesn't want me there.
He thinks I'll be in the way.
No, I'm sure they
both want you there.
But if not, over
time, you'll learn
to ignore all the snide comments
and the way their
bodies tense up
when you walk through the door.
Ah, here's another
dusty, old thing
that's been on
the couch forever.
I tried putting it
out on the curb,
but no one will take it.
[Laughs] See?
Over time, it gets easier.
♪♪
[Door opens]
Hey, babe. Before we grab lunch,
can we stop and pick up my tux?
It's so cool.
They added panels to the pant
legs to accommodate my calves.
Don't need 'em Hulkin'
out during the ceremony.
Smash!
No, no, we need to talk.
W-What's up?
I went to go check
our wedding registry,
and I saw that someone
bought us a breast pump,
and I thought, "That's
weird as hell."
And then I realized you
changed the wedding registry
to a baby shower registry.
Yeah, well, I got no baby
stuff left over from my kids
'cause my ex turned our
garage into a meth lab
and blew it all up!
I told you I didn't want
to have a baby right away.
Why would you do that?
I'm almost 40, and I
want to have a child
with the woman I love,
and I need to have it now.
Okay, well, I'm 20, and I
don't want to have a baby now.
How about in a year?
No.
I don't know if it's
going to be 5 years
or 10 years or 15 years.
15 years? Who knows how
old I'll be in 15 years?
That's not gonna work for me.
I don't care if it
doesn't work for you.
I'm the one who has
to have the baby.
Then why are we even
getting married?
You only wanted to marry me
so we could have
a baby right away?
Of course that wasn't
the only reason.
But it... it is a big one.
Then maybe we're getting
married for different reasons.
Maybe we're not
getting married at all.
What are you saying?
That you won't marry me?
Yeah. I guess I am.
I know I am.
No, I-I'm not gonna be pressured
into something this important.
I didn't want it to be pressure.
I-I wanted it to be something
that we both wanted.
And it's not.
[Door opens, closes]
♪♪
[Sighs] How you doing?
Not great.
I know it's gonna be hard to
be a bridesmaid in a wedding
where you were
supposed to be a bride.
Oh, my God, I have
to be a bridesmaid?!
Thanks, Becky. I was gonna
break it to her slowly.
That's what these
dinosaur-shaped chicken
tenders are for.
Look, you know how badly
I want you there, right,
but I will totally understand
if you can't do it.
I'm not gonna let what
happened between me and Aldo
ruin your wedding.
Aww, thank you.
And before you take a bite,
you should know that's good,
healthy, plant-based chicken.
That is a Tofu-dactyl and
that's a Tyranno-soy-rus Rex.
This whole thing is
going to be so hard.
And now I have to find
a new place to live too.
Hey, how about you get a
place with your Aunt Becky?
It'll be like in
the olden days...
one generation taking
care of the next,
helping each other
with our burdens.
I'm not gonna be your niece-wife
and help you raise your kid.
Even if it's true, that's a
lousy thing to accuse me of!
♪♪
Then you say, "I do, I do,"
rings, rings, and then I say,
"By the power vested in me
by the State of Illinois,"
bam, you're married,
and we're done in time to
catch the end of the Cubs game.
Hey, sweet.
Okay, well, I'll see
you on the big day.
Get some rest.
Oh, don't forget to vote,
even in the small elections.
Hey, if I promise to
do all that stuff,
can you fix a parking
ticket for me?
Excuse me, I thought
I was in Illinois.
[Door opens, closes]
It's gonna be great, right?
I can't do this.
He has no soul.
I have commemorated
every important event
in my life in God's
presence with a priest,
and now, I'm getting married,
and God's not gonna watch it.
He's gonna do dishes
until the reruns
of "Highway to Heaven" come on.
Watching with Michael
Landon, I might add!
C-Come on, Neville, Neville.
We were taught that
God is everywhere.
H-H-He's in this family,
being all around us.
Okay, no disrespect, and
I love them very much,
but that family's
all going to hell!
I need God in this house
when I get married,
or Jackie and I are getting
married somewhere else.
Oh, damn it.
This isn't fair.
This was our wedding first.
[Sighs]
What?
I let Neville believe
that Michael Landon
is watching television
in the clouds with God.
I could've buried that guy.
♪♪
- [Tattoo gun buzzing]
- So, now,
Neville doesn't
want to get married
with Ben and Darlene
unless they bring in a priest.
The whole thing is a mess.
You're lucky you got
out when you did.
[Sniffles] Do these
look like tears of luck?
Ow.
- Done.
- Okay.
[Gasps] No.
It was supposed
to say "Neville."
You wrote "Never."
Uh, I'm... I'm so
sorry. After the "Nev,"
- I-I got caught up thinking about...
- [Gasps]
how I'd never be happy again,
and then the "Er" just
came out naturally.
You moron!
You've jinxed my wedding!
I have "never" written
on my ring finger!
As if I'll never be happy,
I'll never get married,
I'll never be able to slap my
mother with my wedding ring
so it leaves a dent!
How 'bout I put "Neville"
on your neck for free?
No, I'm not letting
you near my jugular!
- Oh!
- Ah!
This whole wedding,
it's going to hell.
My finger's gonna fall off
because Aldo botched my tattoo.
Neville will only get
married if there's a priest.
We don't fix that,
I end up a
nine-fingered spinster!
Okay, you're overreacting.
You're going to be a
ninefingered married lady.
Oh.
You and Neville
can get a priest,
and Ben and I will just
get married another time.
What? No, no. We have
to get married together.
Why is this such
a big deal to you?
Because I keep
thinking about your mom
and how she was so worried that
you and I would never be happy,
and she'd say, "There's
gotta be somebody out there
lucky enough to get Darlene.
There's gotta be
somebody out there
desperate and broken
enough to marry Jackie."
Okay, but Mom is gone,
and she's not gonna know.
I believe that your mom's spirit
is gonna be at the wedding.
And I think that she
would be so happy
to watch us get
married together.
I think she's
laughing her ass off
that I'm trapped in
this thing, but okay.
Okay, okay.
- All right.
- All right.
- All we need to do...
- Yeah?
Is find a way to have a
priest there for Neville
and a judge there for me.
Or... Or go with me on this.
What if...
we have a priest
there for Neville
and a judge there for you?
Wow.
Where did that come from?
Right?
♪♪
It's late.
And I can't sleep without the gentle
iron-lung sound of your CPAP machine.
I'm just thinking
about tomorrow.
I know.
The kids are moving
on with their lives.
But it's not like
they're leaving tomorrow.
We still have to build
the house for them.
Yeah, but it's the
beginning of the end.
I have a feeling this marriage
is gonna stick for Darlene,
and once their
house is finished,
she'll take Harris and Mark
and Becky and Beverly Rose too.
Okay. I'm gonna jump in here.
I've given you a couple
of chances to say,
"But I got you, babe,
and that's enough."
Well, now that you said
it, I don't need to.
Yeah, you do, and you better.
You know how much I love you,
and you know it's not the same.
I'm sure they'll come
back all the time
with a whole bunch of
emotional problems.
You did a lousy
job raising them.
So you got that to hang onto.
♪♪
Okay, I finally see it.
What?
Why Ben would marry you.
I really didn't get
it till just now.
Turns out the only thing
keeping you from looking decent
was a shower and a brush.
Save it for your toast.
Anyway, I've been thinking.
You and Ben are
starting a new life.
So I've decided it's better
that I don't move in with you.
Oh.
Um, well, it's...
it's up to you,
but I was really
hoping that you would.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, Ben and I
aren't gonna have kids,
and he really wants one,
and I think Beverly Rose
running around the house
would be good for him.
So you're just
using me for my kid?
Unless you want to play
hide-and-seek with Ben.
It isn't really about
Beverly Rose, is it?
After all our ups and downs?
[Voice breaking] You just... love
your sister and you want her around?
Ugh, fine!
It's not bad enough I have
to tell Ben I love him
in a couple minutes, now
I have to tell you too?
This is why I don't wear a
dress. People get all emotional.
[Chuckles]
♪♪
[Clears throat]
What the hell?
That's the opera
singer that Aldo hired.
His name is Puddles and he's
a famous lifestyle clown.
That means he never talks
and just looks like
that all the time.
♪ Here come the brides ♪
♪ All dressed in white ♪
♪ Sweetly, serenely in
love's golden light ♪
♪ Sweet love united ♪
- Damn, that clown can sing.
- Yeah.
♪ For eternity ♪
Welcome.
We are here to celebrate
these joyous unions
before the eyes of God.
RAY: And for the
atheists among us,
before the eyes of our
friends and family,
who are actually real.
Really?
Just a happy accident.
We ask God for His blessings
upon these two loving couples,
and we call upon Him to watch
over and protect these unions.
The couples will
now share their vows
- before God.
- And Abraham Lincoln.
You know, since we're
playing "Let's Pretend."
- Um...
- Does... Does that say "never"?
Yeah, it was a mistake,
and the old Jackie would've
taken it as a bad sign
and freaked out and
ruined the whole wedding,
but because of you, I can see
things in a different way now.
So it stands for I've
never been happier,
I've never been more
optimistic about the future,
and I'll never leave you.
[Guests "Aww"]
- Aww.
- [Chuckles]
- Oy.
- Sorry.
As soon as this is done here,
I've got to get this drained.
Uh, to me, uh, "never"
stands for never been married
because I never thought I
would find the perfect woman.
But I did.
The first time you walked
into my office for a job,
I took one look at
you and thought,
"Oh, this little
kid must be lost."
Then I realized you
were a grown adult,
which made it much easier
to be attracted to you.
Ugh, no. This isn't really
- turning out the way I anticipated.
- Yeah.
Darlene.
Whatever life brings us,
I know it's going to be okay
because I'll have
you by my side.
And there's not a moment in my
life that won't be made better
sharing it with you.
[Guests "Aww"]
[Breathes shakily]
I have made so many
mistakes in my life.
And it's just... it's crazy,
'cause I keep being
thrown blessings,
like my family and my kids.
And finally you.
I do not feel like
I deserve you,
but I'm gonna do
everything I can
to make you happy
and hang on to you for
the rest of my life.
I love you, Ben.
I don't think there's
anything to add to that.
Except...
Ha! Ha! She said "blessings."
So what God has joined together,
let no man put asunder.
Wait, we forgot the "I dos."
Uh, well... well, do it.
- Oh, I do.
- I-I do!
- I do.
- I do.
By the power vested in me
by the State of Illinois...
And God, who created
the State of Illinois
when He was creating
everything else...
BOTH: We now pronounce
you husbands and wives.
- [Cheers and applause]
- PUDDLES: ♪ It had to be you ♪
♪ It had to be you ♪
♪ I wandered around ♪
♪ Finally found somebody who ♪
♪ Could make me be true ♪
♪ Could make me be blue ♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
in front of a live
studio audience.
Okay.
Now let's see what we all
agree on for the wedding.
Nothing.
So we'll start from there.
Uh, okay.
Under "Entertainment,"
I think we can safely
cross off Fleetwood Mac.
Why?
We really want them,
and you never know
unless you try.
I-I... I think Lindsey
Buckingham lives in the area.
I'm almost positive I
saw him at the Goodwill.
And you should see him
now... bald, overweight.
He's virtually unrecognizable.
Okay, you saw a random
old lady with alopecia.
Near miss. Moving on.
Oh, Harris and Aldo,
I was a little surprised
by your choice.
Now, I did not figure you
guys for patrons of the opera.
Okay, so, I met this
guy at the tattoo shop.
Listen to this.
MAN: [On cellphone] ♪ So wait
and pray each night for me ♪
♪ Till we meet again ♪
I mean, it's not "Landslide,"
but it's pretty good.
Well, all in favor?
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, hey, hey! Okay.
Our first unanimous
choice is opera.
Did not see that coming.
Uh, okay, next, location.
Oh, come on. It has to be
the reptile house at the zoo.
I removed something from
the gullet of Totoro,
their Komodo dragon.
He ate his girlfriend,
so this is the closest he's
ever gonna get to a wedding.
Okay, we have a choice
that's way better...
the shores of the
Des Plains River.
Shores?
There's just a cement bank with
the skeletons of the animals
that drank out of the river.
Oh, yeah, but I mean
a block further down
where the current washes
the carcasses into the lake.
It is so pretty.
Why don't you just have
it here at the house?
We'll move the furniture out,
the place will look great,
and you can save a ton of money.
Great idea, Dan. Thanks.
I think you've earned
yourself a beer.
[Scoffs] If you insist.
- Yeah? Huh?
- Yeah!
Hey, hey, hey!
Okay, great, we got a location.
Next, ceremony.
Okay, okay, this is my only ask.
I really want one piece of
the wedding to feel like me,
so instead of a priest,
I would like the person officiating
the ceremony to be someone secular.
The guy who just notarized my
home loan is a retired judge,
and he said he would
be happy to do it.
Well, I don't know.
Okay, how about this?
What if we take all our
wedding announcement pictures
for the newspaper
at The Lunch Box
and we all hold stew
instead of bouquets?
Oh, honey, please?
Free advertising gets
Mama's motor runnin'.
Wow, I never imagined
getting married by a judge
instead of a priest,
but I want to make you happy,
so sentence me to
your love prison
and throw away the
key, Your Honor.
Hey, everybody, the
bakery just sent over
samples of wedding cakes.
If you want to get in
there before Beverly Rose
has licked all of
them, you better hurry.
Don't you want to
pick out a cake?
I've seen your daughter
drink toilet water.
I'll go with the group.
So...
Did you get Aldo off the
having a baby right away thing?
Yeah.
Usually when he comes
up with an idea,
he gets distracted by something
else and forgets about it.
So I got him a 2,000-piece
Lego Taj Mahal.
That should buy
me 10 to 15 years.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
- Hey, Harris?
- Hey.
I want to surprise Neville
with something for the wedding,
so could you tattoo his
name on my ring finger?
So, Aldo is the
lettering master,
but if you want Neville riding
a dragon between your boobs,
I could do that.
Uh, let's start with
the finger first,
and, uh, but, yeah, maybe
for our silver anniversary,
when there's more space
between the girls.
I can't wait for the weddings.
If any family needed a boost
of fresh DNA, this is it.
Hey, stop jawin' and fold
that afghan, would ya?
Man, this has been
here forever, right?
Where'd it come from?
Well, it's an interesting story.
Around the turn of
the last century...
our family lived in a small
town in Ireland called Kilkenny.
Aah! They killed Kenny!
Save whatever that
is for your kids.
Anyway...
they were very poor,
so my great-grandfather decided
to take a boat to America
to seek his fortune.
But the family was
worried that the baby,
my... my grandfather,
would die from the cold.
[Laughs] Your
grandfather was a baby.
So was yours.
Anyway, they crocheted
that to keep the baby warm.
That afghan represents the
hopes and dreams of our family
coming to America.
I guess all the hopes and
dreams fell through the holes.
What you looking at?
Oh, uh, now that I'm gonna
be moving into the new house
with Darlene, I
adjusted the plans.
Here, check it out.
See, I'm taking out this
guest bedroom with the bath
and I'm putting in a music
room for me and Mark.
- Hmm.
- Huh?
That's my room.
Oh, damn.
Well, I didn't know you
were still planning on
moving in with us. I'm sorry.
No, no, no, that's fine.
There's a little Harry Potter
space under the stairs.
I can raise Beverly Rose there.
At least until she
starts hunching over.
Then we can move to the
tool shed. It's taller.
Don't be silly.
My golf clubs go
under the stairs.
Ben doesn't want me there.
He thinks I'll be in the way.
No, I'm sure they
both want you there.
But if not, over
time, you'll learn
to ignore all the snide comments
and the way their
bodies tense up
when you walk through the door.
Ah, here's another
dusty, old thing
that's been on
the couch forever.
I tried putting it
out on the curb,
but no one will take it.
[Laughs] See?
Over time, it gets easier.
♪♪
[Door opens]
Hey, babe. Before we grab lunch,
can we stop and pick up my tux?
It's so cool.
They added panels to the pant
legs to accommodate my calves.
Don't need 'em Hulkin'
out during the ceremony.
Smash!
No, no, we need to talk.
W-What's up?
I went to go check
our wedding registry,
and I saw that someone
bought us a breast pump,
and I thought, "That's
weird as hell."
And then I realized you
changed the wedding registry
to a baby shower registry.
Yeah, well, I got no baby
stuff left over from my kids
'cause my ex turned our
garage into a meth lab
and blew it all up!
I told you I didn't want
to have a baby right away.
Why would you do that?
I'm almost 40, and I
want to have a child
with the woman I love,
and I need to have it now.
Okay, well, I'm 20, and I
don't want to have a baby now.
How about in a year?
No.
I don't know if it's
going to be 5 years
or 10 years or 15 years.
15 years? Who knows how
old I'll be in 15 years?
That's not gonna work for me.
I don't care if it
doesn't work for you.
I'm the one who has
to have the baby.
Then why are we even
getting married?
You only wanted to marry me
so we could have
a baby right away?
Of course that wasn't
the only reason.
But it... it is a big one.
Then maybe we're getting
married for different reasons.
Maybe we're not
getting married at all.
What are you saying?
That you won't marry me?
Yeah. I guess I am.
I know I am.
No, I-I'm not gonna be pressured
into something this important.
I didn't want it to be pressure.
I-I wanted it to be something
that we both wanted.
And it's not.
[Door opens, closes]
♪♪
[Sighs] How you doing?
Not great.
I know it's gonna be hard to
be a bridesmaid in a wedding
where you were
supposed to be a bride.
Oh, my God, I have
to be a bridesmaid?!
Thanks, Becky. I was gonna
break it to her slowly.
That's what these
dinosaur-shaped chicken
tenders are for.
Look, you know how badly
I want you there, right,
but I will totally understand
if you can't do it.
I'm not gonna let what
happened between me and Aldo
ruin your wedding.
Aww, thank you.
And before you take a bite,
you should know that's good,
healthy, plant-based chicken.
That is a Tofu-dactyl and
that's a Tyranno-soy-rus Rex.
This whole thing is
going to be so hard.
And now I have to find
a new place to live too.
Hey, how about you get a
place with your Aunt Becky?
It'll be like in
the olden days...
one generation taking
care of the next,
helping each other
with our burdens.
I'm not gonna be your niece-wife
and help you raise your kid.
Even if it's true, that's a
lousy thing to accuse me of!
♪♪
Then you say, "I do, I do,"
rings, rings, and then I say,
"By the power vested in me
by the State of Illinois,"
bam, you're married,
and we're done in time to
catch the end of the Cubs game.
Hey, sweet.
Okay, well, I'll see
you on the big day.
Get some rest.
Oh, don't forget to vote,
even in the small elections.
Hey, if I promise to
do all that stuff,
can you fix a parking
ticket for me?
Excuse me, I thought
I was in Illinois.
[Door opens, closes]
It's gonna be great, right?
I can't do this.
He has no soul.
I have commemorated
every important event
in my life in God's
presence with a priest,
and now, I'm getting married,
and God's not gonna watch it.
He's gonna do dishes
until the reruns
of "Highway to Heaven" come on.
Watching with Michael
Landon, I might add!
C-Come on, Neville, Neville.
We were taught that
God is everywhere.
H-H-He's in this family,
being all around us.
Okay, no disrespect, and
I love them very much,
but that family's
all going to hell!
I need God in this house
when I get married,
or Jackie and I are getting
married somewhere else.
Oh, damn it.
This isn't fair.
This was our wedding first.
[Sighs]
What?
I let Neville believe
that Michael Landon
is watching television
in the clouds with God.
I could've buried that guy.
♪♪
- [Tattoo gun buzzing]
- So, now,
Neville doesn't
want to get married
with Ben and Darlene
unless they bring in a priest.
The whole thing is a mess.
You're lucky you got
out when you did.
[Sniffles] Do these
look like tears of luck?
Ow.
- Done.
- Okay.
[Gasps] No.
It was supposed
to say "Neville."
You wrote "Never."
Uh, I'm... I'm so
sorry. After the "Nev,"
- I-I got caught up thinking about...
- [Gasps]
how I'd never be happy again,
and then the "Er" just
came out naturally.
You moron!
You've jinxed my wedding!
I have "never" written
on my ring finger!
As if I'll never be happy,
I'll never get married,
I'll never be able to slap my
mother with my wedding ring
so it leaves a dent!
How 'bout I put "Neville"
on your neck for free?
No, I'm not letting
you near my jugular!
- Oh!
- Ah!
This whole wedding,
it's going to hell.
My finger's gonna fall off
because Aldo botched my tattoo.
Neville will only get
married if there's a priest.
We don't fix that,
I end up a
nine-fingered spinster!
Okay, you're overreacting.
You're going to be a
ninefingered married lady.
Oh.
You and Neville
can get a priest,
and Ben and I will just
get married another time.
What? No, no. We have
to get married together.
Why is this such
a big deal to you?
Because I keep
thinking about your mom
and how she was so worried that
you and I would never be happy,
and she'd say, "There's
gotta be somebody out there
lucky enough to get Darlene.
There's gotta be
somebody out there
desperate and broken
enough to marry Jackie."
Okay, but Mom is gone,
and she's not gonna know.
I believe that your mom's spirit
is gonna be at the wedding.
And I think that she
would be so happy
to watch us get
married together.
I think she's
laughing her ass off
that I'm trapped in
this thing, but okay.
Okay, okay.
- All right.
- All right.
- All we need to do...
- Yeah?
Is find a way to have a
priest there for Neville
and a judge there for me.
Or... Or go with me on this.
What if...
we have a priest
there for Neville
and a judge there for you?
Wow.
Where did that come from?
Right?
♪♪
It's late.
And I can't sleep without the gentle
iron-lung sound of your CPAP machine.
I'm just thinking
about tomorrow.
I know.
The kids are moving
on with their lives.
But it's not like
they're leaving tomorrow.
We still have to build
the house for them.
Yeah, but it's the
beginning of the end.
I have a feeling this marriage
is gonna stick for Darlene,
and once their
house is finished,
she'll take Harris and Mark
and Becky and Beverly Rose too.
Okay. I'm gonna jump in here.
I've given you a couple
of chances to say,
"But I got you, babe,
and that's enough."
Well, now that you said
it, I don't need to.
Yeah, you do, and you better.
You know how much I love you,
and you know it's not the same.
I'm sure they'll come
back all the time
with a whole bunch of
emotional problems.
You did a lousy
job raising them.
So you got that to hang onto.
♪♪
Okay, I finally see it.
What?
Why Ben would marry you.
I really didn't get
it till just now.
Turns out the only thing
keeping you from looking decent
was a shower and a brush.
Save it for your toast.
Anyway, I've been thinking.
You and Ben are
starting a new life.
So I've decided it's better
that I don't move in with you.
Oh.
Um, well, it's...
it's up to you,
but I was really
hoping that you would.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, Ben and I
aren't gonna have kids,
and he really wants one,
and I think Beverly Rose
running around the house
would be good for him.
So you're just
using me for my kid?
Unless you want to play
hide-and-seek with Ben.
It isn't really about
Beverly Rose, is it?
After all our ups and downs?
[Voice breaking] You just... love
your sister and you want her around?
Ugh, fine!
It's not bad enough I have
to tell Ben I love him
in a couple minutes, now
I have to tell you too?
This is why I don't wear a
dress. People get all emotional.
[Chuckles]
♪♪
[Clears throat]
What the hell?
That's the opera
singer that Aldo hired.
His name is Puddles and he's
a famous lifestyle clown.
That means he never talks
and just looks like
that all the time.
♪ Here come the brides ♪
♪ All dressed in white ♪
♪ Sweetly, serenely in
love's golden light ♪
♪ Sweet love united ♪
- Damn, that clown can sing.
- Yeah.
♪ For eternity ♪
Welcome.
We are here to celebrate
these joyous unions
before the eyes of God.
RAY: And for the
atheists among us,
before the eyes of our
friends and family,
who are actually real.
Really?
Just a happy accident.
We ask God for His blessings
upon these two loving couples,
and we call upon Him to watch
over and protect these unions.
The couples will
now share their vows
- before God.
- And Abraham Lincoln.
You know, since we're
playing "Let's Pretend."
- Um...
- Does... Does that say "never"?
Yeah, it was a mistake,
and the old Jackie would've
taken it as a bad sign
and freaked out and
ruined the whole wedding,
but because of you, I can see
things in a different way now.
So it stands for I've
never been happier,
I've never been more
optimistic about the future,
and I'll never leave you.
[Guests "Aww"]
- Aww.
- [Chuckles]
- Oy.
- Sorry.
As soon as this is done here,
I've got to get this drained.
Uh, to me, uh, "never"
stands for never been married
because I never thought I
would find the perfect woman.
But I did.
The first time you walked
into my office for a job,
I took one look at
you and thought,
"Oh, this little
kid must be lost."
Then I realized you
were a grown adult,
which made it much easier
to be attracted to you.
Ugh, no. This isn't really
- turning out the way I anticipated.
- Yeah.
Darlene.
Whatever life brings us,
I know it's going to be okay
because I'll have
you by my side.
And there's not a moment in my
life that won't be made better
sharing it with you.
[Guests "Aww"]
[Breathes shakily]
I have made so many
mistakes in my life.
And it's just... it's crazy,
'cause I keep being
thrown blessings,
like my family and my kids.
And finally you.
I do not feel like
I deserve you,
but I'm gonna do
everything I can
to make you happy
and hang on to you for
the rest of my life.
I love you, Ben.
I don't think there's
anything to add to that.
Except...
Ha! Ha! She said "blessings."
So what God has joined together,
let no man put asunder.
Wait, we forgot the "I dos."
Uh, well... well, do it.
- Oh, I do.
- I-I do!
- I do.
- I do.
By the power vested in me
by the State of Illinois...
And God, who created
the State of Illinois
when He was creating
everything else...
BOTH: We now pronounce
you husbands and wives.
- [Cheers and applause]
- PUDDLES: ♪ It had to be you ♪
♪ It had to be you ♪
♪ I wandered around ♪
♪ Finally found somebody who ♪
♪ Could make me be true ♪
♪ Could make me be blue ♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪