The Conners (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Lanford, Toilet of Sin - full transcript

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Oh, my God. Look at this.

All these businesses stood right here

where the Lunch Box is now.

Is that Al Capone standing
in front of the candy store?

They say this is where
he caught the syphilis

that finally killed him in prison.

Oh, I think that should be
on the "Welcome to Lanford" sign

as you drive in.

"Home of Al Capone's syphilis.
Stay awhile."

We're lucky that
Lanford's official historian



is doing an article on the Lunch Box.

If he can do for us what he did
for Brenda's Cat Wash,

we're gonna be breaking even
like nobody's business.

If you ever need an assistant
historian, Mr. Bitensky,

I'm ready and waiting.

If it ever becomes a real job,
I'll tell you.

I make my living
selling skincare products.

Call me.

We'll clear that up.

There's so much history
in this location.

It was the train station
where President Garfield's

whistle-stop tour passed through.

What most people don't know
is that a protester

stepped in front of the train
carrying a sign that said



"The corruption stops here."

Unfortunately,
corruption didn't stop here.

It was dragged all the way
to South Bend, Indiana.

And then scraped off the cowcatcher.

You know, I-I...

I'm not in the newspaper game,
Mr. Bitensky, but...

shouldn't this article
be more about the future?

I mean, this is gonna be
the historical site

of Lanford's very first
wood-burning pizza oven.

Yeah!

So, Sandy, if you have a minute,

maybe you could get a photo of Dan

ripping open the wall for the pizza oven

for your article.

Sorry I'm late!

Did anybody see this plant
by the front door?

It's from Nana Bev, and it's got a card.

"Congratulations to my dear family.

You've just blown your inheritance

on another half-baked,
get-poor-quick scheme."

Ugly, ugly, ugly,
hates someone named Donna.

To Jackie and Becky.

May their success be
the final nail in Bev's coffin.

Yeah, yeah!

Ah! Let's open this wall.

[Laughs]

Hold it right there, Dan.

- And give me more eyes.
- [Camera shutter clicking]

More eyes.

More eyes.

[Clicking continues]

JACKIE: Ohh!

[Cheering]

[Laughs]

Becky, get the baby out of here.

The other kids, too.

DJ: Come on.

Dan, what's in there?

Mold, and plenty of it.

Is it the deadly kind?

I don't know, but something
killed those rats in there.

[Camera shutter clicking]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

02x08 - Lanford, Toilet of Sin

"The Conners" is filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

Damn it.

I should have known my mom
wouldn't keep up the property.

Even as a parent, she was a slumlord.

You want to smell something weird?

This never goes well, but yeah.

It's a clean comforter.

[Sniffs]

You can wash these?!

Mom told us it was impossible.

Yeah. It's Harris'.

I washed it for when she comes home.

Man, I can't believe it's been a week

since she ran off to Odessa's.

Yeah, I'm just trying to keep busy.

I folded all the towels
into origami animals.

I saw it on this YouTube channel
for shut-ins,

and the washcloth monkey is a mother.

[Knock on door]

Do not touch this comforter.
I just washed it.

Hey, you told me that was impossible.

Hey.

You, uh, left this at work.

I figured you'd probably need it
this weekend.

Wow. You drove all the way
from Chicago to bring me this?

Why are you suddenly being so nice?

You cheated on me.
I've always been nice.

Oh, you're still not over that?
That was, like, two weeks ago.

I'm already remarried.

Too soon to laugh.

Any word from Harris?

No.

And she blocked me from
all her social media accounts.

What about the girl she moved in with?

Have you checked her Instagram?

There's, like, a million Odessas.

I have no clue which one she is.

It's weed-underscore-hoe99.

H-O-E. She's into botany.

See? I knew it!

It's Odessa, Harris,

and some guy with a beard
in Odessa's apartment.

I mean, this guy could be
anything from a drug dealer

to some kind of raving maniac.

Well, hey, I have a beard,

and I haven't been a drug dealer
or some kind of raving maniac

for many years.

And by the way, what is a guy in his 20s

doing hanging out with teenage girls?

I'm going over there right now.

Oh, wait. You promised to
help me with my school project.

- It's due tomorrow.
- [Sighs]

I'm sorry, honey.
You sister could be in trouble.

I got to go.
Maybe when I get back, okay?

Well, hey, what's the project?
Maybe I can help.

It's a Claymation movie

about the Ice Age
killing off all the animals.

Oh.

The dramatic ending is a woolly mammoth

fighting a giant sloth to the death.

Just a pitch here,

but you might get more drama
if your big fight

isn't between two of
the slowest-moving animals

that ever walked the face of the earth.

♪♪

[Gasps]

Okay, sit down.

- I did some quick preliminary estimates.
- Mm-hmm.

Why are you wearing my Bears jersey?

Because my top was covered
in toxic mold.

What a time for my mom not to be around.

Could've gone home and given her
a big hug of death.

All right, here's the good news.

The mold is not deadly.

- Thank God!
- Yes!

But I still have to open all the walls,

and even if I don't charge you,

there's still my crew, materials.

Here's the bad news.

[Scoffs]

That's my entire life savings.

Holy crap!

Why don't we just put the wall back up

and pretend nothing is wrong?

We did that with the gas smell
in the laundry room,

and that eventually went away.

Well, the building would
collapse on all the customers.

That's the kind of thing
they tend to mention

in a Yelp review.

Now, you really only have
two choices here...

do the repairs or walk away.

[Sighs] I don't...

I'm gonna call Sandy Bitensky
and ask him to hold the article

until I can figure out
what the hell I'm gonna do.

This is why I always expect the worst.

It's like a shield I hold up
to keep away hopes and dreams.

This time, I lowered my shield,

and a dream came along

and kicked me right in the crotch!

That's why when I dream,
I always wear a cup.

You should check in with Louise,

see if you can get
your old job back for now.

I'll try, but she already replaced me.

You know...

if you ever thought about
throwing one to Louise,

now would be a good time.

Sorry.

I promised myself I'd never again

use this body for financial gain.

Oh. Well, that'll be up to you.

ODESSA: Who is it?

It's Darlene... Harris' mom.

Hi. Harris doesn't want to see you.

Look, um, just let me
talk to my daughter.

No way.

Uh, excuse me. This is my house.

This isn't some kid's room
you can barge into.

Well, I'm worried about Harris, okay?

She's only 17.
She's not texting me back.

All I need to do is see her
to know that she's okay.

When she wants to talk, she'll call you.

You should go.

All right, look.

Let's just talk woman to woman, okay?

Someday, you might have kids,

and I would hate for you
to feel this kind of...

Hyah!

Harris!

Come out here right now!
I need to talk to you!

Uh, you're embarrassing yourself.

Yeah, that's my edge.
I have no dignity at all.

Okay, we're done. Bye.

Harris!

Harris!

[Sighs]

Man.

You're pretty strong for a weed hoe.

♪♪

JACKIE: [Sighs]

Uh, I'll have one of everything.

That would literally kill you.

You want to go alphabetical
or by alcohol content?

Look, you don't like me,
and it's no secret that I think

you're a man-grabbing,
self-centered bee-yatch.

Um...

Maybe they're connected. I don't know.

But I need a favor.

It's not a big thing.

I just need to see

three months
of the restaurant's receipts

and your overhead versus your profits

for the third quarter.

And I'm kind of in a hurry!

I can't show you that.
The owner will fire me.

Come on, I just wanna know
if the Lunch Box can survive

for the first three months
with no working capital.

- You can't compare the two restaurants.
- [Sighs]

Look, if yours catches on,
you'll be fine.

If it doesn't, you won't.

So, your little pearl of wisdom is,

if I'm successful, I'll do well?

Thank you! Continue to hate you!

How'd it go?

I bathed her in charm. Nothing.

Hey, it's your lucky day!

Look who's back and ready to work!

Well, here's a tip...

ask for the favor first, then insult me.

I need my old job back.

Dummy!

Like that? What are we doing here?

Look, I can't give you your old job.

I already hired somebody.

Okay. I was prepared for that.

What if we stay open

and serve alcohol till 4:00 a.m.?

I'd be the only waitress,

and I'll need one short-order cook.

The rest is money in the bank.

Well...

I know you're up against it, so...

Okay. I'll give it a shot.

But at that time of night,

you really think
we're gonna have customers?

Let's be honest, Louise.

We've both put a few away in our time.

It's 2:00 a.m.,
Doug says you can't sleep over,

and you want to keep your buzz going

till the other Doug texts you back.

But the bars are closed,

so you end up in your car,
drinking out of a bag,

eating bean dip with your fingers

at a gas station.

Am I right?

Well... [Sighs]

you change "Doug" to "Craig"

and, uh, the bean dip to "Jerry"...

...and, uh...

yeah.

I've been there.

Hey! Hey. Easy on that door.
It's half termites.

- What are you doing?
- Shh, shh, shh!

[Smoke detector chirps]

Damn, it's not this one.

I assume things
didn't go well with Harris.

I told you not to let her go over there.

Oh, you think
I really need to hear that?

You don't think I regret it?

Look, Odessa wouldn't even
let me in the damn house.

[Smoke detector chirps]

Now it's coming from the kitchen!

I mean this in the most positive way.

If you bump this table,
we will have to kill you.

I can't believe you stayed to help Mark.

- Thank you.
- This movie is going to be epic.

Yeah, it's all good.

Except for the 30-minute

"a woolly mammoth
wouldn't do that" discussion.

It wouldn't.

Harris okay?

I never even got to see her.

I mean, I-I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

If something happens to her,
I will never forgive myself.

Okay. It's time to stop playing games.

We have to go over and get her.

What, you mean go in there
and drag her out by her hair?

Yes.

And I've only got
two hours left on my Aleve,

so if we're going, we better go now.

Look, it's none of my business,

but if you guys go charging in there,

that's breaking and entering.

He's got a point.

Yeah, it's safer if the cops do it.

Besides, I might have
a couple of strikes out

against me there.

For brawling in me younger days.

[Smoke detector chirps]

Now it's coming from the living room!

It doesn't make sense!

- [Patsy Cline's "Crazy" plays on jukebox]
- Ooh! Almost ready!

I can't believe it's almost opening day!

Where the hell is Becky and the kids?

- [Knock on door]
- Oh, one second!

Jackie.

Oh, my God.

The mold turned into Mom!

Aah!

Jackie!

Jackie!

No, go away! You're ruining
the grand opening!

Jackie, you're going to fail.

You've never supported me!

[Screams]

No! Don't go!

I just have some mother issues
to deal with,

and I'll get this cleaned up
in a minute!

There's a reason
there are no stew restaurants.

Your selfish need for happiness

has jeopardized the entire family.

I didn't mean it.
I just wanted to be happy.

But I'm ruining everything!

[Telephone rings]

[Yells]

- [Ringing continues]
- [Gasps]

[Breathing heavily]

Ohh, God.

[Sighs] Hey.

Hey, Sandy, thanks for calling me back.

Um... I'm not gonna open the restaurant.

I don't have the money.

Uh, I thought it'd be
a good thing for this town,

but I'm probably the only one who cares.

No, I don't have five friends
interested in skin care.

♪♪

Come on! What is
taking the police so long?

Well, they found an arm
in the park yesterday.

They're probably following up on that.

Ah, finally!

[Engine shuts off,
vehicle door opens, closes]

- Darlene Conner?
- [Sighs] Yeah.

This is the building... apartment C.

Look, I don't want to tell you
how to do your job,

but you should immediately Tase

the dead-eyed blonde
who answers the door.

Is your daughter
in danger of being hurt,

hurting herself, or hurting others?

No, but I-I just need to talk to her.

I understand.

But here's how it usually goes.

I go in, there's yelling,

I take the kid home,
she runs away again.

But this time, she's so pissed at you,

she goes somewhere you can't find her.

Still want me to go in?

[Sighs] All right.

Um... I-I guess you can go.

Good luck.

[Scoffs] So, what?

I can't drag her out of there
but I can't leave her in there?

What am I supposed to do?

Well, you know, they always say
"If you raised them right"...

That's not a comforting thought
in the Conner family.

Have you heard from her school?

No. Why?

'Cause that means she's going.

And if she's being responsible
about that,

she's probably being responsible
about other things. Right?

All right, we should leave.

No.

Harris!

I need you to come to the window
and talk to me!

Right now, I don't know

if you're scrolling through
Instagram with headphones on

or if you're wacked out on meth!

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said
"Wacked out on meth."

I don't want your neighbors
to think you're on meth.

I mean, even if you were on meth,

- [Vehicle approaches]
- I wouldn't say "meth" so loud.

Stop saying "meth"!

[Gearshift clicks]

- [Vehicle door opens, closes]
- Oh, crap.

[Darlene sighs]

You can't be
screaming out here like that

at 2:00 in the morning.

You're disturbing the peace.

She's fine.

I think she just had to
get it out of her system.

Right?

Thank you.

[Police radio chatter]

I-I cannot leave here
without talking to her.

I swear to God, I will have a breakdown.

[Engine starts, vehicle departs]

Go ahead. I'll bail you out.

- Ohh, you're the best.
- I know.

Harris!

I'm your mother, and I love you!

All right?

I mean, all your life,
I've known if you were safe,

I've known where you are.

I can't live like this.

All right? You gotta talk to me, please!

[Siren wails]

Just send me a signal!

- Open and close the blinds
- [Vehicle door opens]

- if you're eating!
- [Vehicle door closes]

I washed your comforter!

All right. Hands behind your back.

[Scoffs] Really?

Don't you have 3/4 of a person to find?

[Door opens]

Mom!

What is wrong with you?

I-I was just trying to talk to you.

Step back.

I'm fine.

I'm not gonna answer
every time you call.

You gotta stop freaking out.

When you get out
of the big house, text me.

We'll talk, okay?

- I love you.
- Love you, too.

[Vehicle door closes]

- [Engine starts]
- I thought she looked good!

- She looked good, right?
- Oh, yeah.

♪♪

Here's to me failing again.

This time, I failed before I even tried.

That's progress.

[Chuckles]

No, no, sorry. We're not open.

But if those are kittens,

I'd love to pet them
and cry for a minute.

- Jackie Harris?
- Yeah?

My grandmother just died.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Did I have something to do with it?

No. Uh, she collected tablecloths.

Figured you could use them
and save some money.

If you open, we'll be here.

Ohh.

Did you see this?

Sandy basically wrote
a love letter to this place

and asked for people
to come out and help.

That explains the tablecloths.

Now we know what killed Grandma.

There's a ton of people
on Lanford forums

saying they want the Lunch Box back.

Oh, no! Hey! Hold on!

What are you doing?

We saw an article in the paper

about how you might not
open the Lunch Box.

We're hoping you'll change your mind.

Oh, well, isn't that the nice...

I can't accept this.

You have to.

My wife wants to park in the garage.

Well, tell her I said "Thank you."

[Laughs]

I don't get it!
Why are people doing this?

I just think the people in this town

need to see somebody get a win.

Look at all these cars pulling up!

I think these could be future customers.

When I ran the numbers,

I didn't think this many people
would be interested,

but we might be able to squeak by.

Well, what do you want to do?

Put this baby on Craigslist
or open up a restaurant?

We're gonna open up a restaurant!

- Yeah!
- [Laughter]

- Whoo!
- Yeah!

To hell with those Bev zombies
coming through the wall!

We'll fix her
after we open the restaurant!

Come on in! Hey!

[The O'Jays' "Love Train" plays
on jukebox]

Hi! That is so nice of you!

Oh, my goodness! Thank you!

Here you go, ladies.

Girl!

If you're gonna be up this late,
you'd make more money stripping.

How are your boobs?

I've been asked that
three times tonight,

but you're the first girl.

Hey.

Can't talk.

Whatever's happening out there,

this is where
they're sending the wounded.

Well, I came by 'cause I was
worried about you being alone.

I didn't expect to see
the "Star Wars" cantina.

Isn't it great?

I've already made $30 in singles
from the stripper table.

And that guy over there bleeding

said that if he dies,

there's an envelope
in his pocket I can keep.

How sweet is that?

♪♪

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com