The Conners (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Preemie Monologues - full transcript

Harris is forced to confront Darlene about her lifestyle; Jackie involves herself in other people's problems to avoid confronting her own; Becky is overwhelmed by the costs of raising a baby, so her family steps in to help.

Ugh!

I've just gone through the entire house!

You forgot to buy toilet paper!

Seriously, what kind of mom are you?

Well, look, I just got home from Ben's.

Use the phone book like I used to.

We don't have phone books anymore.

It's not the 1800s, Nana.

Does anyone realize we're
out of toilet paper?

I cannot go at school.
There's no doors on the stalls.

This is a problem.



If you can't wait, can't you
just use Kleenex or a napkin?

No, because we use toilet
paper for both those things.

This place sucks!

You need to get your life together.

Whoa.

I didn't take you to a
doctor for seven years,

and you're losing it over toilet paper?

What's your problem?

You're my problem.

Hurry home. Miss you.

I was so happy when you had kids

because I knew we'd be here one day.

You know what? I don't get it.

I mean, Harris and I
fight, but right now,



she's being so angry and sarcastic.

I mean, that doesn't run
in our family at all.

Could be anything.

You know we're out of
toilet paper, right?

Walk away, old man.

I'm assuming you're Joanna,

although she was supposed
to be here at 10:00,

and it's 10:05,

so it's hard to say.

We need to tighten up the schedule here.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Hello.

Brought you a change of clothes.

How you feeling? You look like hell.

It's hard to look glamorous

when your shower is a bathroom sink

and your deodorant is hand sanitizer.

Becky, go home and get some sleep.

We'll stay with the baby.

All right.

I'll leave after the
night nurse takes over.

I like her.

- I'll take the first shift.
- Great.

Then when I get here,

I'll tell you what you did wrong,

I'll fix it, and I'll
make a training manual

so it never happens again.

Hey, Jackie,

could you go down to the cafeteria

and get me a grilled
cheese? I'm starved.

How about we change the grilled cheese

to a spinach salad... lots of iron.

And some orange juice will
help you absorb the iron.

- Sure.
- I'll take the grilled cheese.

And a Coke to help me absorb the cheese.

Thank you!

You're an angel!

Get her out of here.

This morning, she was walking
around the incubator,

snapping her fingers

to see if the baby has
directional hearing.

All right, we just have to
be delicate with her.

Her life blew up, and she's looking

for some kind of purpose for
herself through our lives.

I'd take Jackie's shift, but
I got a poker game tonight.

Aw.

It sounded so selfish.

No, it didn't, Grandpa.

You work hard.
You deserve to play poker.

They don't care what you want.

"The Conners" is filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

Check, please.

You know, Louise, I've
been undressing you

with my eyes for an hour.

Why don't you come back to my place?

We can see if I'm right.

Hey, Louise.

Hey, Dan. What'll you have?

Not another case of what
you gave me last time.

Finally got rid of those
stubborn bastards.

I still use that little
comb for my eyebrows.

You know, you could've
pretended you're my boyfriend

and not that I got some
sort of infestation.

From the looks of that guy,

I didn't even think that
would be a deal-breaker.

Well, maybe next time,
you'll try the boyfriend thing.

You get a clean bill of health
and we'll talk about it.

So, what's the update
with Becky and Lil Bev?

We're gonna start taking
turns watching her.

Tonight's my turn.

Oh, man.

Sitting in that NICU all night...

that's rough.

I did it for a cousin.

Just breaks your heart.

Well, a free beer would
certainly help me deal with it.

Lucky for you, it's
Preemie Grandpas Night.

You know, let me come with you.

You're gonna need company.

It's just gonna be family.

I couldn't ask you to do that.

You could.

But I guess you're not.

Some other time.

Oh.

I overstepped.

I was trying to support
you in a difficult time,

and that kind of thing
shouldn't go unpunished.

I haven't had a real
conversation in a bar

for a long time.

I do not like it.

Hey. Ready for my shift.

Pack up your chair and skedaddle.

Guess what?

The baby's coming home Friday.

Oh, that's fantastic, right?

I mean, that's great.

Your face isn't saying it's great.

My face just read this letter

from Assistance for Needy Families.

I was approved,

and then they said I made too much

because of my tips at Casita Bonita.

I failed at being poor.

And look at this list

of special preemie stuff I need.

Oh, you don't need all that stuff.

A scale?

You can just take the
baby to the grocery store

and weigh her in the
produce department...

diaper on, of course.

I can't even afford the basic stuff.

Diapers are like 25 bucks a box.

I'm just gonna have to hold
the baby over the box.

Becky, go home.

We will figure this out tomorrow.

I'm gonna figure this out tonight.

I'm going now, honey.

I am so proud of you

for all the breathing and the growing.

She loves me.

So don't talk crap about me.

Hey.

So, how was your day?

Okay, now me.

Your cousin Harris is
being a little monster.

Normally, I can handle it,

but I'm stressed out
of my mind right now

because I'm sleeping with two guys.

Don't give me that look, girl.

You like your auntie, don't you?

I remember when Harris used
to hold my finger like that.

Okay, you can let go now.

All right.

Wow, you're pretty strong

for somebody with no
bones in their body.

Oh, by the way, Dan,

if Anne-Marie calls,
this time, I'm here.

Yeah, for some reason,
the lies led to fights.

Well, that's because your lies suck.

You know where I am right now?

At the ER with a friend.

Spotty signal, and I can't
really talk right now

because at this very moment,

I'm pressing my hand
against his carotid artery

to prevent him from bleeding out.

No dispute. What can she say?

Bingo!

What if she asks who's the friend?

Well, now that you asked,

I'm gonna say it's you.

Yeah, I got a cheat sheet here.

Got everything you need to know.

Road rage encounter,
hunting-knife wound,

light aircraft crashes on highway.

Eh, it's all here.

That's a lot of work to
stay in a bad marriage.

My hat's off to you.

I'll take her off your hands.

You got a picture?

Yeah, I got one.

Private investigator took it.

Ah, there she is.

That's my brother coming
out of the shower.

Well, he's a younger,

better-looking version of you.

You get it, right?

I can see both sides of it.

I got your text, Dan. What's up?

I gotta get over to the hospital.

I'm out.

I just need to talk for a minute.

Let's go in the living room.

Listen, I know you were looking forward

to seeing the baby tonight,

but I was hoping I could take your shift

so I could bond with the baby.

No can do.

I spent all day developing
a list of Chinese phrases

for the nurses to use on the baby.

She's just lying there,

so she might as well learn something.

You could say that about
any member of our family.

Truth is, Becky doesn't want you there.

You're driving everybody nuts.

Aww.

Féicháng shiwàng.

What?

It means "very
disappointing" in Mandarin.

Well, here's the upside...

you've always wanted to play

in the poker game.

Tonight's the night.

You'd be doing me a huge favor.

Well, if Becky doesn't want me around,

I might as well play poker.

I got to tell you, I'm feeling defeated

and useless and just beat to hell.

Add hopeless and horny,

and you'll fit right in
with the rest of the guys.

Here's your check.

- I'll be right back.
- Thank you.

Becky, you just had a baby.

You're not supposed to work
for another two weeks.

Don't worry.

I'm wearing an adult diaper
for leakage down here...

and I've got nursing pads
for leakage up here.

And if I just sit every couple minutes,

the dizziness goes away.

You should not be here.

No, I should not.

But I have a kid coming
home any day now,

and that means rent,
bills, baby supplies...

Excuse me?

I'm sorry, I can't quite
read what this says.

It says, "I'm Becky.

I just had a four-pound baby.

The father, Emilio, a poor busboy,

was deported to Mexico."

But leave whatever you
feel is appropriate.

Two lousy bucks?

I owe the hospital hundreds
of thousands of dollars,

and I am totally on my own.

Let me have your wallets! All of you!

Becky, stop.

Fine.

Oh!

Well, thank you, Becky.

Wonderful.

You know, we are kinda new
to the dinner-theater thing.

Let us know how we're doing.

Good time to talk?

Not really, but whatever.

Okay.

So, today, I was at the NICU,

and little Beverly Rose
grabbed my finger,

and she squeezed it,

and it... it made me remember

how you always used to hold my hand

and how close we were.

And now you're, you know, insane.

So, if there's something
that you want to tell me

that's bothering you,
I'd love to hear it.

Sure.

Here's what's bothering me.

I know that you're having
sex with Dad and Ben.

And you're lying about
it to both of them.

Wow.

How'd you find out?

I saw Dad coming out of your bedroom

in the middle of the night.

Look, I'm really sorry.

I don't wanna hear it.

You're a liar,

and I have no reason to believe
anything you say ever again.

No, you have to give me
a chance to explain.

You got a text.

This is more important.

But it might be from Ben or Dad

or someone you met

driving back and forth
between Ben and Dad.

Well, now you're just
giving me too much credit.

Damn it. It's Grandpa.

Becky's freaking out at Casita Bonita.

Look, I gotta go, but when I get back,

please just give me a chance
to tell you what's going on.

It's really complicated.

No, it's not.

Stop screwing my dad over,

or I'm gonna call him and
tell him what's going on.

You know, it's... it's very sweet

that you're looking out for him,

but just remember one thing...

he abandoned you. I'm just saying.

Where's Becky?

Oh, she's back here.

She's not in a good place.

Hey.

Look at you, sitting on
a bucket behind a bar.

I see it all so clearly now.

Even if I work, every dime
will go to childcare.

So I've decided to let the
hospital keep Lil Bev.

Uh-huh.

They've got a cafeteria,
so she'll eat good,

and I can watch her from
afar in the kids' play area.

I've seen that in the movies.

Well, clearly, I rushed
down here for nothing.

You know what? You're gonna come home,

you're gonna live rent-free,

where people can help you.

But if I move back in,
I'm just admitting

I couldn't make it on my own

and I'm just a big, fat loser.

That's what I did. It's very freeing.

Hey, bud. How was work?

I'm not afraid of you.

Everything is gonna be okay.

Becky's gonna come home and
live with us for awhile.

Good! That starts now.

Grab her coat, and take
her back to the house.

Hey, I am not totally giving
up my independence here.

I will grab my own coat.

Okay.

Let me help you to the car,

and then I'll come back
in here real quick

and grab some toilet paper.

Thank you so much for calling.

Well, Becky needed help.

I'm not family, but I care.

Look, I got an idea.

I'm heading back to the hospital,

and yeah, it's kinda depressing...

all those babies hooked up to tubes,

barely clinging to life.

So, hey, you wanna come?

Hey, wait a minute, Lil Bev,

is that drool on your chin I see?

Lucky for you, I have a handkerchief.

♪ Da-daaaa ♪

Thanks for covering for me, son.

No problem.

I think she really likes me.

That's not Becky's baby.

That is.

Aw, man.

Aww, Dan.

- She's beautiful.
- Yep.

She gets that from me.

Good news, buddy.

You're coming to live at
Grandpa's house for awhile.

It's not much...

Actually, it'd need a major remodel

for it to be "not much."

Hey, the fact that you have a house

for your struggling
daughter and her baby

and your other struggling
daughter and her two kids

just proves you're a good provider.

It's not much of a motivator.

You know, Rose...

It's okay.

I'm so sorry.

I just... I feel so
comfortable with you.

You don't have to apologize

for feeling comfortable with me.

Listen, I haven't kept it a secret

how hard this is for me,

but you have to know
how much I like you,

and... and I wanna spend time with you.

What do you say we start hanging out...

on a regular basis,

and I'll throw in dinner once a week?

Like dates?

Like hanging out and
having dinner once a week.

Slow down, cowboy.

It's moving a little fast for me.

But... I can work with that.

Well, you're only human.

I know you want some of this.

I can be patient.

But when I come for it,

I don't want some of it.

I want all of it.

You don't have that kinda time.

I brought you a peace offering.

Go ahead. Instagram all
your friends. I'll wait.

L-Look, I did not plan any of this.

Well, you've gotta decide.

It's not fair to Dad.

Hey, I love your dad,

and the last thing I
want to do is hurt him,

but this is a hard decision.

I-It affects all of us.

I've got to figure out
who's gonna make us happy

and who's gonna keep us in toilet paper.

So, what am I supposed to do?

Just keep this giant secret
while you figure it out?

That would be so cool of you.

I-I promise I'm gonna take care of this

as quickly as I can.

Okay.

I believe you for now.

Would you hold my finger?

No.

You're being weird.

The baby's home!

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Hey!
- Hey!

Well, that's a relief.

I'm still the cutest one.

She's too small.

You said I was getting a
new cousin to play with.

She's no good to me like this.

Uh, there's only one room in the house

that's still available... the basement.

The basement.

Guess we set the bar too
high with a plastic box.

To the basement!

- Just wait for me one second.
- Yeah.

Dad told me you were upset.

I'm not upset.

Look, I really do appreciate

you helping out with Lil Bev.

All right, look, I know I went too far.

In the cold light of day,

I can see that you can't ask busy nurses

to teach a preemie Mandarin.

It's just...

in trying to find solutions,

sometimes you may be...

creating some of the problems.

Would it be overstepping
if I made a chart

of the problems that
you and I are having?

No, make the damn chart. Hug it out.

Oh, my God.

It's beautiful!

The rats put up the lights.

The lights are from
Christmas decorations,

Mark did the mural on the wall,

and I picked out the bedspread.

I hope that's a solution
and not a problem.

We should all go upstairs

and let Becky and the
baby get settled in.

I just got down here.

Now I gotta walk up the stairs again.

I love it! Thank you!

Oh. Oh. Hi.

Hi, sweetie.

Welcome home, sweet girl.

Yeah.

See?

She has a little patch
of your dark hair,

your brown eyes,

and your... Oh.

Hey, I'm just noticing

that my genes didn't really
get in there at all.

But I'm happy that your family

is taking good care of you guys.

I know.

I can't believe they did all of this.

How are you?

I'm good.

I'm saving money and trying to get back.

Well, be safe.

I really want Beverly
Rose to meet her dad.

Oh, a-and one last thing...

can you talk to your Aunt Jackie?

Eh, she Skypes me every
day with some new advice.

Eh, luckily, she can't
tell the difference

between me and my cousin 'Berto.

But he's right on the edge.