The Conners (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 14 - Bad Dads and Grads - full transcript

2x14 - Bad Dads and Grads

- Hey.
- Hi. [Chuckles]

How do I look for my date?

I-I want my outfit to say
that I'm available

but not too available,

and that I'm 64
but I have the sex drive

of a 40-year-old
who's newly married.

You look great.
Just be calm and be yourself.

If you have to choose one,
be calm.

[Chuckling] Okay. It's really
scary getting back out there.

And you have to find
the right dating app.



I started off with one that
I thought sounded appropriate

for a woman my age...
Precious Little Time.

Which I thought meant that
you wouldn't waste time

with people who
weren't right for you.

But it turns out, it's
for the terminally ill

who are still sexually active.

Well, you know those people are
gonna want to do the freaky stuff.

Nobody wants to die in
the missionary position.

- Uh-huh.
- Hey-ey.

What do you have for being
underweight and depressed?

Wow, I guess somebody
got a glimpse of themselves

in the window on the way over.

No, I was at Planned Parenthood,

which is a good place
to go if you're poor



and actually planning
for parenthood.

[Gasps]
You and Ben are having a baby?!

Smart move!
Lock that hunk of Grade A down.

First of all, it was Ben's idea.

Second of all, we're just
talking about it.

I just wanted to see
if I'm healthy enough.

- And are you?
- Oh, God, no.

I'm out of shape,
my blood is iron poor,

and my vitamin levels
are too low.

[Whispering]
Is that from being vegan?

No.
Healthy vegans are fine.

But I'm a trash vegan.

It turns out coconut caramel
fudge swirl soy ice cream

is not the building block
of a healthy diet.

♪♪

[man] "The Conners" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Hey. You guys left Grandpa Ed's
a few hours ago.

What took so long?

Well, I took him to that
abandoned mall parking lot,

taught him how to do ice donuts.

We skidded out of the parking
lot onto the sidewalk.

Scared the hell out of that
mom with that stroller.

Shh!

Found a box of Dan's
childhood stuff at the house.

Oh, wow.
I've never seen anything

from when you were a kid.

I can't believe
your dad held on to this.

I don't think he wanted
to hang on to it.

"Anything in this box, 50 cents"

gives you a pretty good idea
of his emotional attachment.

I tried to give him the old man's
car, but he wouldn't take it.

I don't want his car.

He treated the car
better than he treated me.

This may come as
a shock to you all,

'cause he hides it so well, but

Dan didn't have the best
relationship with our dad.

- What? What?!
- What? No!

[Rubber band snaps]
You got me there, Bub.

You want a cup of coffee
and some cookies, Uncle Ed?

Yeah. And you don't
have to call me Uncle.

Makes me feel old.

[yells]
Here's your coffee, Uncle Ed!

[yells again] Is this cookie
soft enough for your dentures?!

Have your fun. I'll pretend
to be the old uncle.

[yells] Oh, he's confused again!

He doesn't know that
he's related to us!

Hey! You guys
should knock it off.

He's barely related to us.

No, Harris, we talked about this.
You cannot date your uncle.

I'm so sick of this family
and all of its crazy rules.

What's this?
Can I have it?

Stop being so rude.

- I want it.
- What is it?

It's nothing. That's mine.
I-It shouldn't be in here.

Oh! That's not nothing.
It's your college diploma.

You didn't mention
you went to college.

It's no big deal.

- What'd you major in?
- Environmental Science.

Ooh, I hope
the government brings that back.

I hope those jobs pay good.

You got to be drowning in
student loans, huh?

I'll be alright.

Hey, do that thing when I'm old
again and I can't hear good.

That was really funny.

The old man paid for
your college, didn't he?

Yeah, he did.

Good for you.

♪♪

[French accent] You think you would
be more comfortable waiting at the bar?

Mm-hm. You can drop the
phony French accent, Pete.

I don't know
if you remember this,

but I used to babysit you
when you were, say, "cinq."

So you're not getting the table.

Merci, garçon.

I can't believe how
rude they're being

just because your friend
is a little delayed.

Would you care to join us?

Oh, no, that's very nice of you,

but my date should be
here any second.

He's a teacher,

so he's probably turning
some child's life around.

Of course.
But it'd be our pleasure.

And you could
break the tie for us.

We're having a debate about
that couple over there.

I say esteemed publisher
and aspiring young novelist.

I say hooker and john.

[Laughs]

Oh, there's no way
that man's a hooker.

[Laughter]

Hey.

Uh, ok...
Well, I-I don't know.

I guess I could join you.
[Chuckles]

This is the first time I've
tried using a dating app.

Oh, those apps have changed
everything, right?

I can turn the light on
in my guest bedroom.

Watch this.

- Hmm.
- Uh-oh! [Chuckles]

I just opened the garage door.

Uh-oh.
[Chuckles]

There go the cats.

[Laughs]

Fix this, would you, honey?

[Chuckles]

Oh, crap. I started the car.

[Laughs] Well, it's good
the garage door is open.

[Laughter]

- You two are so cute.
- [Chuckles] We are, right?

By the way, I'm Ron.

This is my lovely bride
of thirty years, Janelle.

- Oh.
- Hi.

Hi. I'm Jackie.

And I want to buy both of you
another glass of wine

for being so kind to me.

Oh, they have my favorite
wine... "house."

[Laughter]

Alright, but if you're
gonna be buying the wine,

then you're gonna have to join
us for karaoke after dinner.

Oh, I love karaoke!

I do a fantastic "Thriller."

You know, not many people
do the dance moves.

[Laughs] That's great!

We finally have a third
for "Love Shack"!

- Ohh!
- ♪ The love shack, baby, yeah ♪

- Love shack, baby!
- [Laughs]

My God, is it just me, or do we
sound better than the original?

Just you.

♪♪

Thanks for keeping an eye
on Aunt Darlene.

She's doing girl push-ups?

I thought you had to be
a girl to do those.

Tell Beverly Rose to get off my
ass. I'm doing the best I can.

You know, if you
just tell your kids

that you're thinking
about having a baby,

you could work out in front of
the TV, like a normal person.

It's not worth answering all
those questions until it's real.

Plus, I'm trying to
avoid junk food,

and most of it's
in the carpet downstairs.

[Knock on door]

Hey.
You got a minute?

Hey, Harris.
What are you doing up here?

I came to see which insurance
plan you have for me.

I can buy one at work,
and I wanna see if it's better.

Okay, well, you don't have
one here, so that one's better.

What were you doing on the
floor? Were you exercising?

- You never exercise.
- Hey, your mother was an athlete.

When she was a kid,
she played basketball.

You're 2 feet tall.

Who would you play against,
Alvin and the Chipmunks?

Seriously, why are you doing this?

I... just want to get swole, dawg.

Ew. You'll tell me the
truth, right, Becky?

Come on, Beverly Rose.

Nothing good is gonna
happen here.

Thank you, Becky.

[Sighs]

Alright, um...

you're mature enough for me
to just put this out there.

[Sighs] Ben and I are...
thinking about having a baby.

How do you feel about that?

You're old
and it's embarrassing, but...

I don't care, 'cause I don't
have to live here anymore.

Let's always talk.
Just like this.

If I'm not doing anything else.

I know you took the good
bath towel to your apartment.

Bring it back.

[Scoffs] You got
bigger problems than that.

Mom and Ben
are gonna have a baby.

- What?! Why?!
- Because she's insane.

She's like a thousand years old
and frail.

Well, then I got to
tell her not to do it.

She doesn't care what you say.

Mom's having a new baby.
You're out.

♪♪

Wow! Are those
from the math teacher?

No!
He stood me up.

Oh, they're...

they're from Ron and Janelle.

A nice couple I met
who let me sit at their table

so I wouldn't be humiliated.

A couple sent you flowers?
That's odd.

Where else did you sit?

Oh, stop that.
They're nice people.

We had fun together.

They sent you red roses.

- That's romantic.
- Don't be ridiculo...

They've been married
for thirty years.

They're regular
one-person-at-a-time people.

"Can't wait to visit
the Love Shack with you again"?

Sounds like pile-of-people-
at-a-time people.

Oh, my God,
we sang that song at karaoke.

And then we went
and got hot chocolate,

and then we walked along
the Lanford River,

and then they walked me
to my car,

and they said they
had a wonderful time

and that they'd like
to see me again.

That's a date. They want
you to be part of a thrupple.

What? No, they don't!
What is that?

It's the fun of a threesome with
the drudgery of a relationship.

Becky, I'm not gonna stand here

and listen to you
jump to conclusions.

I have to get ready to meet
them at dance class.

The three of us
are going to tango.

See ya!

♪♪

Hey, buddy.

- Ready for a little piano lesson?
- No. I wanna talk to you.

Why are you forcing
my mom to have a baby?

Whoa!

I... don't know who told you that,

but I am not forcing
your mom to have a baby.

Is she forcing you?

- Well, no.
- It had to be somebody's idea.

Nobody just does that
kind of thing for fun.

[Chuckles]

Ahh.

All I can say is that
we love each other, okay?

And we're just thinking
about having a baby.

You're a liar.

She's not gonna turn down
having a baby with you.

You're the hottest guy
she's ever dated.

Hey, the liar comment is hurtful.

But... I can't argue
with you that...

I am the hottest guy
she's ever dated.

- It's weird when you say it.
- Okay, but, look, I am pretty sure

that your mom does not want me
talking to you about this.

But [Inhales deeply]
I'm just gonna go on and...

jump into the old "dad waters"
for the first time here.

[Chuckles]

Uh... you're worried
that if we have a new baby

that you won't have a place
in this family.

But you will.

You'll be a big brother,
hot shot.

"Dad waters" is not a thing,
you idiot.

Don't tell your mom we talked.

Or that I said "dad waters."

What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be helping
Ed Jr. over at your dad's house.

We pretty much
finished the drywall.

He can handle it from there.
He's a smart kid.

- He went to college.
- Oh, so, that's what this is about.

I saw your face when Ed Jr. said
Grandpa paid for his college.

You're so good at reading my
face, what's it saying now?

It says you think you
got a raw deal.

And your eyebrow
is telling me you want pie.

Eh, that's easy.
I always want pie.

Nope.

You can't eat your feelings
until you tell me what they are.

I don't have any feelings.
You know that.

Uh-oh!

Looks like I have
a heavy whipped cream finger!

Okay, okay! It would have
been nice to go to college.

You never talked about
wanting to go to college.

There's a lot of things
I don't talk about.

I'm only talking about it now
because of the pie.

[Chuckles]

- I wanted to design cars.
- Really?

All through high school, I filled
up notebooks with my design.

My art teacher thought
I really had something.

But the old man
wouldn't give me a dime.

Said I wasn't college material.

- Like he'd know.
- So what?

You're gonna punish Ed Jr.
every time you hear

about something nice
your dad did for him?

'Cause that's not his fault.

I know I should let it go,
but I can't.

And if I don't, I'm gonna wreck
my relationship with the kid.

[Inhales deeply]

The only way to let it all go is
[Sighs]

to get some kind of closure
with your dad.

Yeah...

Man, it'd be so much easier
if he was still alive.

I could sit down with him,
hear his side of it,

and punch him right in the face.

♪♪

It was awful nice of you
to treat me to this.

I don't know when's the last
time I had a pedicure.

They took off so much dead skin
I think I went down a shoe size.

[Laughter]

Listen, you guys have paid
for everything this week,

and I'm starting to feel
like maybe I owe you,

hmm, I don't know, money.

Nonsense. It's nice to
have someone to spoil.

Our kids are grown, and, well,
we don't like them.

[Laughs]

And we just can't imagine
not having you around.

Oh, would you look at that.

Jackie, this is awkward because
we've never done this before,

so we're just gonna say it.

We want to invite you into
our relationship.

Which right now feels like the
most natural thing in the world.

Uh...

There's the other one.

So, we were looking for
the right person,

and then, out of the blue,
you found us.

Oh. Well, I've never found
an "us" before, but

[Laughs]
here "us" is.

[Laughter]

- It's kind of a surprise.
- Really?

The red roses,
the Love Shack, the locket...?

Oh, this is a locket?

Oh, and it opens up!

And there's the three of us.

So, what do you say, Jackie?

Do you have room
in your life for us?

Well, it's...
it's a big decision.

Do I have a little time
to think about it?

- Of course.
- It's important to us

that you want this
as much as we do.

Well, I will say, if I brought
you both home to meet my mother,

it would kill her, so
[Chuckles]

that's a big check in
the plus column...

[Laughter]

Oh, you are so...

♪♪

Hey, buddy.
Whatcha doing?

Stress-ironing.

I talked to Ben, and he told me

that you're worried about
a new baby coming into our lives

and what that means for you.

And I just want to tell you
that everything is gonna be fine.

- You're gonna die.
- What?

Women in their forties
have the highest risk

of dying in childbirth.

Strokes, kidney failure,
hemorrhaging,

infections, pre-eclampsia...

Don't know what that is, but it
happens right before eclampsia.

Alright. Slow down.

Where did you get this?

There's a lot of crazy
stuff on the Internet.

The Mayo Clinic, the American
Medical Association,

and the National
Institutes of Health.

Oh. Maybe I better
have a look at that.

Well, what happens if you die

and I-I hate the baby
because it killed you?

And then I have to take care
of a baby that I hate?

You think I'm gonna send
a kid like that to college?

Mark, take a breath, okay?

[Both inhale deeply]

[Both exhale deeply]

I'm not gonna die.
Alright?

I'm a Conner.
We don't just drop dead.

We break down early,
and we linger

so that we're a burden
to the next generation.

Nana Bev is a burden
to Aunt Jackie,

your grandpa will be
a burden to me,

and I will be a burden to you
for a long, long time.

You can't guarantee that
you're gonna be okay.

Mark, look, the numbers
say the odds of me

dying in childbirth are
one-hundredth of one-percent.

- Guess that's not a lot.
- Yeah.

You're totally worried
about the wrong thing. Okay?

You don't need to
worry about me dying.

It's much more likely that I'll
love the new baby more than you.

Seriously?

Look at me.
That's not possible.

[Chuckles]
Uh, how do you know?

We haven't seen the baby yet.

And Ben is the hottest guy
I've ever dated.

♪♪

Okay. [Sighs]
This was Dad's spot.

[Sighing]

You gonna tell me why we drove all
the way out here in Dad's car?

I just wanted to see where he
used to come to sit and think.

I get it.
It's so deserted,

you could scream out here
and nobody'd hear ya.

Okay.

Look, I know you're really mad
about the whole college thing.

Yeah, I got to tell you,
it got to me.

Every time I hear about all
the good stuff he did for you,

all this rage and resentment
comes boiling up again.

- I gotta put an end to it.
- Alright, look,

it is not
my fault what he did for me.

Alright, but if you wanna go,

take your best shot,
but I'm a biter.

[Laughs]

I didn't come here to fight you.

I appreciate you giving me
the car, man.

Well, why don't we go
back into the car,

where it's warm,
and talk about it?

No can do.
I already lit the fuse.

[Chuckles]

What?

I loaded up the trunk with fireworks,
illegal stuff from Michigan.

I got something called
a Patriot's Candle.

It's basically just
a stick of dynamite.

So, we drove all
the way out here

with a trunk full of explosives?
[Explosion, glass shatters]

- Holy crap, that's really cool.
- Yeah, it was.

I feel better.

Just had to exorcise
some demons.

I had to get closure with Dad

to keep him from screwing up
our relationship.

And he loved that car.

Hey.

Whoo!

What?
Stop!

It's just me.

Ron and Janelle paid for it,
but, uh...

Becky, you were right.
They want a thrupple.

I'm guessing that's a couple

plus one person who's wearing
someone else's hair?

No. It's when three people
have an equal relationship,

just like a couple.

- Are you actually considering this?
- Maybe.

I mean, they're fun,
they treat me with respect.

When's the last time I had that?

I think that Ron and Janelle

might be the person I've been
looking for all this time.

Are you sure you're ready for this?

What happens when Ron wants
to have sex with you?

Or Janelle?

- Or Ron and Janelle?
- Um...

I'll deal with that when
we go up to our lake house

in Door County next weekend.

♪♪

You know, it's a shame there's no pictures
of us together when I was a baby.

[Chuckling] I remember
the first time I babysat you.

You were easy.

D.J., see if there's any
frozen waffles in the freezer.

[Ed Jr. crying]

Crystal's list didn't say
anything about frozen waffles.

[As Boris Karloff] That's because
she doesn't know the secret.

[Normal voice] There you go.

Chew on this for a while, Little Ed.

Yeah, that's gonna make
those gums feel better. Hmm?

Ugh.
He's slobbering.

Well, that's why I use a waffle.

It's got all those
built-in drool cups.