The Comeback (2005–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Valerie Saves the Show - full transcript

Valerie: Yeah, won't be
home for dinner again.

Yeah. Well, Mark,

I wasn't expecting it
to go this late, though.

Oh, no. You know, it's not sitcom hours.

It's more unpredictable now.

If these hours keep up, I'm
going to need a better chair.

Ooh. I've got one with
the lumbar support thing

and the cup holder.

$400, but worth it.

Mark, I'd better hang up,
so I can actually get home.

- (Phone beeps)
- Oh. Hi, Ron.



Didn't hear your chair. So quiet. (Laughs)

Well, today was a great day.

Oh, yeah, I thought
so. So glad you did too.

So I wanted to discuss some
changes coming up in the script,

which will be affecting
scheduling and... and other things.

Sure, yeah. Sure.

Unfortunately, the
Mallory-at-home scenes...

we're losing them.

Why? Did, um... Did Paulie G. say why?

Not a creative decision. It's the budget.

They cut $100,000.

Okay. Just...

You know, because... (Stammers)

It's just that, you know,
the whole... (Clears throat)



There's a whole other side
of my character, you know,

that's lost, right,

and just won't get fleshed out.

I'm cutting the fat,
and her house location,

with only six episodes,
is impossible to amortize.

Six? I was hoping to get 26.

26? This isn't "The Rockford Files."

No, it isn't.

I don't make this budget.
I just have to live with it.

- Okay. Wow, okay. That's a big loss...
- Hmm.

For... just, you know,
worried about the show,

'cause I just want Paulie's
vision to get realized.

You know? Characters won't get fleshed out

like he wanted, so...
oh, he must be so mad.

Aw. Yeah, that's too bad.

Wonder if they thought
of absolutely everything,

'cause money guys don't think
creatively. Let me just...

I'm going to... wait a second. Hey, Ron?

Ron? Ron! Just a quick... I want to...

Hey. Have you thought
of absolutely everything?

Val!

Had to, Mark. Had to.

If I hadn't offered up our house,

all the Mallory home stuff would go.

- So what?
- So what? So what?

Then all the audience would see of me

is that I'm this screaming
sitcom star driving him to drugs.

You know?

The... the home stuff
gives me an inner life,

makes me more sympathetic.

Well, I thought the character wasn't you.

It's not. It's Mallory.

It's not, but got to keep
her likeable. You know?

And the home stuff did that.

The drinking alone, the
crying in the tub, you know?

Finding a stray cat and it
scratches her... need it.

Need it. Mitch would
have no place to stalk me.

That's half my arc.

So, what, the whole crew
is going to move in here?

Not move in. Not move in.

Just visit, you know, for a day or two.

A day or two?

Per episode.

- See, I...
- There's only six.

There's only six. That's
nothing, Mark. Six.

You know. And, um, Seth
Rogen will be shooting here.

- He's going to be here?
- Mm-hmm.

Seth Rogen is going to be in our house?

Mm-hmm.

That's cool.

Mmm. See?

Why don't I ever start with that?

Six episodes. Won't even be in your way.

Oh, yeah, well, you know... (Laughs)

Excuse me.

I'm in his way. (Laughs)

Well, it's a big shooting day
at the Cherish-Berman house.

- Mark: Valerie?
- Yeah? Right here.

I can't get to the Nespresso pods.

- I need my coffee, Val.
- I know. Well, you know what?

You can pull the tape off,
Mark. That's all right.

It's not a crime scene. You can
touch it. (Laughs) Excuse me.

He gets so grumpy when he doesn't
have his coffee in the morning.

There's... oh. Oh.

- Look at this.
- Okay. I'll do it. Look. Okay?

Look at that. Ooh. (Gasps) Did that just...

Is the paint peeling off?
Is that what's going on?

Don't worry. Production will
have to pay for it. You know?

Just... okay. Here, can't worry about it.

- Jesus.
- Can't worry about it. You know?

Got a big day today. I'm
going to the groundlings.

That new coffee place on San Vicente?

No. An adorable civilian.

(Laughs) A coffee place.

No, it's a very famous improv
company, Mark. All right?

And I'm taking a class,

so I can learn me some improv-ing.

Want to go toe-to-toe
with Seth. Seth Rogen.

Where's, uh, the machine?

Well... there it is. Look.

It's right up there. It's way up there.

- (Mark sighs)
- So. Here comes Esperanza, okay?

- So, she'll help you.
- (Sighs)

- 'Morning, dear.
- Hi, doll.

Can you help Mr. Mark, please,

get all the stuff that
he needs and put it all

in the, uh, laundry room or garage?

- Val?
- Okay? So, it's convenient.

Yeah. Got to go.

I've got to go. Late.

- Esperanza: Miss Val?
- Yeah?

Lo tiene por fuera.

Okay. I see. Thank you for that.

You don't have to... See that.

Oh, look at that. Mirror,
mirror, in my hall.

(Laughs) What's this for, huh?

Uh, Mallory's bedroom.

Oh. No, no, that's not
my taste, at all. I...

But you're Valerie.

That's right! Yeah, no,
it's not me. My character.

(Laughs)

- Thank you.
- Go, go, go.

Oh, there's another way that
Mallory and I are different.

Mallory likes to watch herself during sex.

Woman: Great! Climb those ladders, guys.

Great. Good!

Great climbing the ladder! Good.

Ignore the camera,
guys. Ignore the cameras!

They're my... not me, though. Right?

Teacher: Good! Great!

Climb the ladder!

Don't think, guys. Don't think.

Let your body go with the flow

of my suggestions! That's good.

Okay, now, we're sewing, everybody.

- Sewing. Good.
- Just all of a sudden? Okay.

Sew. Everybody, sew. Great.

And now the sewing turns into a lasso,

so swing that rope. Right.

Swing that rope. Great.

Come on. Good! Good! Get into it!

(All cheering) Yeah!

- Yee-haw!
- Teacher: Looking good!

And now you're chopping meat.

Chopping meat.

Hope it's not the cow I
just lassoed. It was a baby.

(Laughs)

- (Laughs)
- Okay.

Teacher: Great, everybody!

Okay. Thank you.

Teacher: Excellent. Excellent work. Okay.

- I...
- That's great.

- I think we're all warmed up...
- Yeah.

So I'd like to start
with a round of scenes.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay?

- So who would like to go first?
- I will.

- Okay, great!
- Yeah, Valerie Cherish.

- Right, you said that.
- Right.

- Okay, good.
- I just don't want... I just, you know,

don't want the others to
feel intimidated, you know?

Just 'cause I'm an actress and, you know,

I'm a professional. Even
though, not at this, I'm not.

But want to make them
feel comfortable, you know.

So don't worry. I'm at your level.

- Okay, great.
- Yeah.

- Uh, what's your name?
- Schaemus.

- Schaemus.
- That's funny already.

- Isn't it?
- Teacher: It is. (Laughs)

Okay. So let's start with you
two, and everyone else down!

Okay. Sure.

- (All cheer)
- Thank you.

Okay, great. So I'm going to
give you two occupations...

- Uh-huh.
- ... And then I want you guys

just to jump in and go for it.

- Schaemus: Right.
- Okay, great.

So, Schaemus, let's give you candy maker.

- Okay.
- Oh, that's good.

- Okay, and Valerie?
- Uh-huh?

- A miner.
- Uh-huh.

- Okay.
- Yeah. Just one question.

Is it minor like under 21, or
miner like coal-miner miner?

Teacher: You show me.

- I will show you.
- Teacher: Okay!

Okay.

Okay, let's give them
some love and applause!

- Okay.
- (All cheer)

Thank you.

I chose coal miner.

- Teacher: Valerie.
- Yeah.

- Stay in the scene.
- Yes.

Don't... don't tell me
what you're going to do.

Show me what you're gonna do. Show it.

- Yeah!
- Okay.

(Whispering) Do you want to go first?

Teacher: Don't whisper.
Just stay in the scene.

Right. Yeah. I am.

I hope the miners enjoy
this Taffy I've prepared.

Well, I don't know what
kind of candy you're making,

- but I'm a coal miner.
- (Mickey laughs)

(Laughs)

- It's Taffy.
- For a fireplace.

Now what?

Valerie, don't tell me
what you're doing. Show me!

No, I know, but we both spoke
at the same time. So now what?

You forgot the doves!

- There's nothing to pull out of this hat.
- (All laugh)

Woman: Bad news. I also forgot my pants.

- (All laugh)
- Okay, great! Great, guys!

(All cheer)

Very good! Okay, let's
take 15 and meet back here.

- 15? Yeah.
- (All chattering)

All right, that was fun. That was so fun.

See where Mickey is, where Mickey got to.

Oh, there he is.

Mickey, I don't know when you left.

Did you see the improv where I was
the home... the homeless improv?

I played a hobo with a funny
voice, carrying a big stick.

- (Laughs)
- Right, right.

- He's on the phone.
- Thank you very much.

Sorry I missed that one, Red.

Oh, that's all right. Such a shame, though,

'cause I think you would have
gotten a big kick out of it.

You know? And then, Jane, you
would have had someone to cut to

just to show that I'm, you know,

really good at improve. Oh, well.

Didn't want to miss a thing, but
I really had to take this call

from "The Island of
Doctor Moreau" clinic...

With my test results.

Oh, okay. Test? Did
the rabbit die? (Laughs)

Well, they think they might have
possibly found some form of cancer.

- Oh.
- Aunt Val, can I do one?

- What? Do what?
- Improv.

Oh. Yeah.

Oh, that's what I did. Yeah.

- This is the pick-axe.
- Right.

No, I'm having a conversation
with Mickey right now, so...

- Where did you get those chips?
- Over there.

Oh, why don't you bring some for Mickey?

- Yeah. Thank you.
- And a water.

Yeah. So, is everything...
is everything okay?

I'm fine! You know me, Red.

I've had so many skin cancers removed,

I count it as major weight-loss.

Okay. (Laughs) That's good.

- Okay. Good. Yeah.
- Don't give it a second thought.

- Okay. I won't.
- I'm strong, like bull.

(Laughs) Now that's a good accent.

You know, maybe you should be a groundling,

or you should be up on
that stage instead of me.

- (Laughs) Oh. Not as fast as you.
- Right?

- Well... (Laughs)
- Oh, food.

- Yeah. Why don't you eat?
- Thank you.

- That's good.
- My blood sugar.

- (Laughs)
- Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, yell out an occupation for Valerie.

- Bartender!
- Teacher: I heard bartender! Great.

Bartender. Okay, and one for Rick?

- Woman: House-husband!
- House-husband.

Okay, so a bartender and a house-husband.

- Let's give them some applause!
- (All cheer)

Boy, do I need a drink.

I don't work anymore, so sometimes

an afternoon drink just hits the spot.

Mm-hmm. Well, only two
reasons to be out of work...

bad economy or cancer. Do you have cancer?

Okay, guys, let's hold it
there for a second. Okay?

- Yeah.
- There are some topics

that we find that just don't play funny.

Right? Nothing's off limits,
but things like cancer...

they are just really hard
and tricky to make funny.

Right. Because they're not funny.

- Teacher: Not funny, exactly.
- Okay.

Teacher: All right. Let's
try two new professions.

- Valerie: Good. All right.
- Good. So, um, Valerie?

New mom.

- And Rick, for you, Baker.
- Oh. Baker's good.

- Let's give them applause!
- Okay.

(All cheer, laugh)

I'm baking this cake for me today,

for a change. It's my birthday.

(Scattered laughter)
Well, what sign are you?

Cancer? My bad. My bad. Okay.

Um, let's pick a different sign.

- What's the one with the crab?
- Um, cancer.

- Okay. Did it again.
- Teacher: Just stay with it.

Valerie: Just keep saying it. Okay. Um...

Um... I asked a question
too. That's the big problem.

And I just dropped my baby. (Laughs)

Okay. Stay in the scene.

- Mark: Look, there he is.
- Seth Rogen's in our house.

(Woman on walkie-talkie)
Ready, ready. Okay, we're ready.

Now, what are they doing?

Just some last-minute
tweaks to the shot...

you know, lighting, sound...
just make sure it's just right.

Shayna?

(Whispers)

All right, there are too many people
in this hallway near the monitors.

- If you don't need to be here, leave.
- Yeah, let's go.

That's my cue to go to craft service.

Yeah. Okay.

Let's go. Did she mean us?

Yes. (Laughs) She does.

That's rude. Our house.

Welcome to my world, huh?

And this thing. Is this really necessary?

I mean, it's one step.

I know they've got to carry
a bunch of heavy stuff,

but do they really need this ramp?

Well... Hi, Ron.

Ah. So glad you made it to location.

- Didn't know you'd be here.
- Excuse me.

Didn't... Why?

Well, just... I didn't know
line producers came to location.

I didn't know that. I didn't know that.

This is my husband Mark, right here.

- Coming through.
- This is Ron.

- Producer.
- Hi, Mark.

Nice to meet you.

Thanks for letting us use your house.

You saved the show.

It's nice to meet you too.

- Man: Hey, Ron, can I see you?
- Valerie: Yeah, okay.

Coming through.

Let's get you something to
eat, my man who saved the show.

So, uh, what happened to that producer guy?

Um, well, the, um...

Scuttlebutt is that,

uh, he was a stuntman and
got hit by a big movie truck,

so they made him a producer. Sorry.

Well, that's smart, you
know? Avoid the lawsuit?

Jane, don't... probably don't
want to put that out there.

What he said. You know?

Okay. Can I meet Seth Rogen now?

You just keep telling me to wait.

Yeah, well, but... because, you know,

they're just shooting his
part of the scene first.

- So, they... oh, sorry.
- Look out.

He probably doesn't want to get distracted.

Well, I don't think saying hi
is going to ruin his performance.

Well, actors can be tricky.

You know? So...

Well, you know what? They're just...

they're setting the shot.
I think maybe we have time.

- Let's go. But we have to hurry, okay?
- All right.

- So, let's just...
- Woman: Okay, people!

Ready, ready! One minute until picture!

- No. Can't do it. Sorry.
- What?

- No. Just...
- Will: I need another five!

That's... oh, we can go. That's okay. Five.

- Woman: We've got to go now!
- Ooh. I...

I don't know what's happening.
You're making me nervous.

- I need five!
- Okay! Five minutes!

Good. Let's go.

Hurry.

(Knocking)

Oh, hi.

(Valerie laughs) Hi, Seth.

- Hi. How's it going?
- Good.

Just wanted you to meet my husband, Mark.

Hi, Mark. I'm Seth. Nice meeting you.

I'd get out. The A.D. will
yell at me if I do, though,

while I'm lighting, but,
uh, nice meeting you. Yeah.

You're married to a wonderful lady.

Oh, yeah. Thank you, thank you.

I love your car.

Oh. Well, thank you.

And, uh, I'll make sure
to tell the prop guy

who bought it that you said
that, 'cause it's not my car.

- Oh, it's not your car.
- No. Not my car. Not my heroin.

- Not my arm. Not my gun.
- Hey! Hey!

No, none of it's mine.

I'm actually being operated by a
prop guy through a hole in the car.

He has his hand up my ass right now.

(Both laugh)

Yeah. See, in this scene, um...

Mitch, that's the fictitional
Paulie G. Character...

Yeah. You know, has come
to the house to shoot me.

Right?

Just like every writer wants
to do to their actor, right?

That's why you've got
to write your own stuff.

Well, okay. (Laughs)

Anyway, so he sits out here in his car,

and then I'm up in the
bedroom window up there

calling the network to
complain about the script,

which you know I never
did. Never did it. You know?

Spoiler alert. Doesn't kill me!

(Laughs) Cool.

- Yeah.
- Really cool.

Yeah.

Woman: Picture up! And, Valerie,
you've been invited to hair and makeup!

- Okay!
- Jesus.

Someone should tell Sheena of the jungle

they invented this new
thing called a walkie-talkie.

- That's right. Yelling.
- Because she's yelling.

Okay. So, we'll leave you to it.

Okay?

Well, you know, I think I'm
just going to hang for a minute.

- Well, he may want to prepare.
- Ooh, he can hang.

Yeah. Just getting in the, you know,

- drug-fueled-killing-spree mind state.
- (Both laughing)

- Pretty much there already.
- Valerie: Oh, no.

(Laughs) Okay.

I'll be in that stink hole of a trailer!

Try the potstickers! They're delish.

Okay, doll, I will. (Laughs)

Tyler? Doll? Listen. Do
something for me, okay?

Um, just keep an eye on Mickey, okay?

And if he wants any food or water,

you get it for him. Okay?

Like a servant?

Yeah. Also known as a set P.A.

That's your job on the show.

Yeah, I don't want to do that
anymore. I want to do that.

You want to be the star of the show?

Yeah. I think I'd be good at it.

- Do you?
- Yeah.

Okay. Well, why don't we just
let Seth have his job tonight

and you can do your job tonight? All right?

Keep an eye on Mickey for me.

Jane: Why are you concerned about Mickey?

Well, I'm not. I'm just...
you know, it's late,

or it's going to be a late night. You know?

And he never... he doesn't hydrate.

So, Jane, don't. Okay?

Don't do it. Mark?

What are... you smoking?

Is that... what...

Yeah. Seth gave it to me.

On camera?

Yeah. Okay. You know what?

We've got a problem.

Okay? Tyler doesn't want
to do his job anymore. Okay?

Because, you know, he decided

he wants to be a movie
star, because he showed up.

That whole generation, you know,

has been treated like, "oh,
you showed up? Here's a trophy,"

and, "oh, you ate a full
meal. Here's a trophy for you."

(Sighs) I know. Just...

Saving that for later?

- Yeah.
- Okay, good.

Valerie: Look at Seth.
So good. Comedy and drama.

Are those heavy lights going
to leave divots on the lawn?

I have no idea.

I just re-sodded that whole front section.

Well... Shayna?

- Yeah.
- Uh-oh.

Again! There are too many
people in this hallway

near the monitors. If you
don't need to be here, leave.

Got it, okay. Marky Mark, let's go.

- What, again?
- Come on. We're in the way.

Val, when are they going to leave?

- Well, making TV takes time.
- How much time? I need to sleep.

We'll figure something out.

(Sighs) I just don't get
why they're following us.

We're just going to sleep.

Jane, you know, thinks
it's an interesting story,

fleeing our house in
the middle of the night

to stay at one of our
rental properties. Epic.

(Laughs) Don't be cute,
Val. I'm not in the mood.

This is supposed to be
behind-the-scenes only.

Well, she's getting a
cute butt shot. (Laughs)

It's bad enough the only
building we fucking own

is all the way in fucking Hollywood.

I offered to pay for a
room at the Peninsula.

You know, but... (Laughs)

Wouldn't be the first time I paid a hot guy

to spend the night with me at a hotel.

Jane, no, we're... we're done.
There's no more cameras for tonight.

Jane: I'm sorry, but I need to cover this.

Yeah. You know, I mean,
we're still talking, Mark,

so as long as we're
talking, we're not done.

I know. We're never done.

We are never done!

Peeling paint, scratched
floors, now the lawn...

Okay. Jane, it's small.

- It's a studio.
- Well...

Go. I trust you lucky people all
have quiet homes to go home to.

Go.

- (Door clanging)
- Mark: Jesus.

All right, Val's still mic'ed,

so just fish around for something.

Mark: There's no way we
can stay in that house

for another month and a
half while they're shooting.

We're going to have to
move out until they're done.

I'm not moving out, Mark.

I can't. All my clothes
are there. My work is there.

- Okay, you know what?
- Help me get this.

I'll move out...

And you can join me when you're done

letting that drug addict
have the run of our home.

All right. I'm not... Doing that.

Look, I know you're mad.
Okay? I get that you're mad.

This is not the deal that we made, Valerie.

(Sighs) Look, can you
please just be sweet to me?

Okay? I had a really rough night.

Well, I've had a rough night, too,

and I'm not the one who signed up for this.

What? What are you looking at?

Oh, okay. Sorry. Sorry, Jane!

I... no. We're done.

All right. Calling it.

(Gunshot)

- Mark: What the fuck was that?
- Valerie: I don't...

It definitely came from the next apartment.

Yeah. But it's okay.
She's with us. It's okay.

Strongwood property own building.

Well, yeah. We are Strongwood Properties.

I told you that. Remember? Mark?

Yeah. We're Strongwood Properties.

Yeah. No one answer the phone.

Machine.

Well, that's probably because it's 3:00 am.

If you own the building,
why are you sleeping here?

Well, okay. I'm an actress.

Valerie Cherish. Hi.

I'm doing, um, a new HBO series

and, uh, shooting it at our house.

So that's why we're here,
'cause we can't sleep there.

So...

If you own building, what is my name?

I have no idea.

Valerie: Still doesn't get it.

(Laughs) Okay.

Um, why would we say that we're
Strongwood Properties if...

Are you all right? What is that?

Mark, can we please just go stay
at the Peninsula? Can we just...

No, we can't. No. This is
our property. We're liable.

Oh, it's a yawn. Okay.

Okay, look, um...

Our friend here thought she
heard a gunshot or something

- coming from inside this apartment.
- Yeah.

Now, we've called the
police, but we're concerned.

Valerie: Thank you. Thank
you, 'cause we're liable.

- Yeah.
- Got to see...

Sure it's nothing.

Just something fell over.

Ooh. Oh God!

- Oh! Jesus.
- Don't look.

Oh my God.

Oh my God, he shot himself.

Oh.

Are you happy now, Valerie?

(Mark sighs)

He's in shock.

Policeman: So you didn't know the guy?

No. Not at all. He was a tenant,

but that's about it.

- But we don't manage the buildings.
- No.

(Siren beeps)

Hey. What I tell you about that camera?

Oh, no, that's all right.
They're with me. It's for my show.

- Your show?
- Yeah.

No, no. They can't film this.

Look, they were filming when I got here.

Now, if you want to shut them down

and do all the paperwork it's going to take

to report all this, then be my guest.

But it's 4:00 in the morning,
and I would like to go home.

Yeah. I'm an actress,

so, you know, I've done a
couple of "CSI's," so I get it.

You know? This is not for
public consumption. Right?

We won't use any of this. I promise. Jane?

Jane? All this is N. G... No good. Yeah.

So, what's the deal in there?

Uh, well, the coroner just left.

Yeah, so, do you have any
ideas about who the perp is?

Perp is short for "perpetrator."

Looks like a suicide. We found
drugs all over the apartment.

Okay. He drug addict. Never pay on time.

Drug addict? He was?

Officer 2: We talked
to some of your tenants.

Apparently, he'd been through
rehab and was doing pretty well.

- He had a new job, looked like he was
- Dispatcher: Unit 23.

on his way back.

Yep, and that's usually
when they take a dive.

- It is?
- Yeah.

They'll turn their life around,

then all of a sudden, they wreck it all,

and they take down
anybody who's around them.

- Dispatcher: Unit 23.
- Excuse me, folks.

This is unit 23. Go.

My garbage disposal is broken.

I call Strongwood five times!

♪ ♪

Oh. Okay. Well. Mark? Do you want to...

No, don't "Mark" me. I've had it, Valerie.

I cannot do another night like this.

Tomorrow, I am going to start
looking for a new place to move to.

You can join me if you want.

Where are you going now?

To the Peninsula.

Very nice, uh... nice to meet you.

(Mark sighs)

- Mark: Got everything?
- Valerie: Yeah. Did you hear that?

Mark: What?

- Valerie: Been through rehab and then...
- Mark: Yes. Yes.

♪ I'm gonna be your ♪1 ♪

♪ I'm not the kind of
girl who gives up... ♪

Do you have a key to this?

- Rough night.
- Thank you.

- You know?
- Thank you.

Valerie: Oh, you're not on me?

Oh my God.

♪ But I'm moving on ♪

♪ I'm gonna be... ♪
- (Siren beeps)

♪ The number 1 ♪

- Come on, man, that's enough!
- Valerie: Jane? Jane?

♪ ... who gives up just like that ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪