The Comeback (2005–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Valerie Makes a Pilot - full transcript

(Tone playing)

Man: Now.

This is my comeback.

All right, I'm good. Let
me take that again. Okay.

- This is my comeback.
- Valerie: Guys?

I've got to have a camera on me. Okay?

No, not that one. No.

Got to have the one
with the... yeah, but...

You know, why don't you two switch? Okay?

Tyler, you take the one
with the... Just switch.

- Yeah.
- Tyler: Dude, she...



- Back off.
- She... just give it to me.

- Valerie: Yeah.
- Take the camera, take the camera.

Okay, Jesus. Okay?

- 'Cause, you know...
- Take this camera.

Can't make a pilot presentation if
I'm not on camera presenting it. Right?

- (Chuckles)
- That's okay. It's the first day.

You'll get it. I'm not worried about you.

All right. See that,
Mickey? See the difference?

- Oh.
- Feel that?

- Mm. Gorgeous, Red.
- Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Good. So, um, yeah.

I can use that part. "And
this is my comeback." You know?

But I don't want to use the part where
I'm looking off camera, talking to someone.

I don't know why I did that.
You know, lesson learned.



And can you also lose that piercing sound?

- They don't even use that sound anymore.
- Okay.

- When is this from?
- Uh, about 10 years ago.

- Jesus.
- Well, it's not that long.

It's just technology moves so fast.

I was nine.

Okay. Guys, no talking.

That's the bummer.

Okay. So, let's pick us some clips.

Show the people what I've been up to. Huh?

Here's this.

(Birds chirping)

Mickey: What is this, Red? A home movie?

(Eerie music playing)

(Screaming)

Oh, no. That's that, uh,
independent film I did.

- Oh, right. With those cute college kids.
- Yeah.

Well, they were in film school.

You know? So it's an independent film.

In film school, Mickey. You know,

like our crew here. Got to start somewhere.

Here. This is too high. Here.

Mickey: Well, you were so good, Red.

- Valerie: Hmm?
- Mickey: Scary.

(Sobbing) Well, half
the blood was in my eye.

- So I was screaming in pain there.
- (Laughs)

Editor: Here's this one.

Oh, yeah. Oh, this is a good one.

- Yeah.
- Mickey: Oh.

What are you saying?

I'm saying...

It's not a suicide, Pal-y.

Yeah, yeah, that was fun. I liked
that. I liked doing that show.

The writers let me play. I added "Pal-y."

Detective: What are we
going to do with you?

Looks like you've got to cancel
your plans for tonight, huh?

- Yeah.
- Mickey: I'm surprised we didn't get a re-occur.

Yeah, me too. Yeah.

- And she's here to talk to us about...
- Mickey: Good craft service.

- Valerie: Was it?
- Mickey: Great chili.

- Mickey, we've moved on.
- Oh, yes, we have, and it's a goodie.

- Yeah.
- Our infomercial.

- That's right.
- I'm here with Valerie Cherish,

who has developed a brand-new
hair-care line just for redheads.

So, Valerie, can you please
tell us a little bit about that?

"Cherish Your Hair" is a product

I've wanted to make for
a very, very long time.

Valerie: Hmm.

Female host: Well, as a television star

and an actress, your
hair goes through a lot.

It sure does. And it
needs a lot of protection.

That's why we developed "Cherish
Your Hair," hair care for redheads.

Because why should blondes and
brunettes get all the attention?

- (Host laughs)
- And red can be a very harsh

color treatment for your hair, am I right?

Valerie: You sure are. Yeah.

I'm going to let my
hairdresser, Mickey Deane,

tell you a little more about that. Can you?

Mickey on recording: I certainly can.

Redheads always need
a little extra "T.L.C."

That's "Tender Loving Cherish."

(Host laughs) And this product can actually

- improve the texture of your hair.
- That's right, Joan.

And it's because of a special
ingredient in "Cherish Your Hair."

Can you tell us about that?

Yes, I can, Jean.

It's all about a special
cantaloupe in France

that holds the moisture in
due to something in the seed.

Very nice.

You know what? This is all good.

It's all good. I like it because
it shows me as an entrepreneur.

You know? Like that Bethenny Frankel.

Right? The, uh, Margarita
gal. Skinny Margarita gal.

That's what it's called.

Narrator: To join the "Cherish
Your Hair" hair care family,

- call 1-800-Cherish right now.
- Yeah. If this goes,

that product will move. You know?

We still have more of the color, right?

Oh, we've got a whole warehouse
full. Can't give it away.

Narrator: We'll send you
this free cantaloupe scoop.

We're ready to fill orders.

- Valerie: What else have we got?
- Editor: Here's another.

Valerie: Oh, this is "The Comeback."

- "All right, all right, all right!"
- (Mickey laughs)

(Laughs) That's my Matthew McConaughey.

- Editor: Aw.
- Right?

He likes it.

- Actor: Just open my shirt.
- (Audience laughs)

Audience: Ooh!

Note to self:

I don't need to see that.

(Laughing)

"Room and Bored" is still funny.

- Mm.
- Even in that track suit.

Yeah, well, you know what?
That's the work, okay?

Doesn't always go your way, but
you have to make the best of it.

- Audience: Ooh!
- Right?

You guys are so cute, but
I'm going to have to hide you.

Oh, you know what? You should back it up,

because the front of the
scene we have Juna and Chris,

and Andy should see that, because
they're such big stars now.

- That will be good.
- Audience: Ooh!

Valerie: Oh, there he is. Stop. Yeah.

Mickey: Who would have imagined it?

What? Well, I did.

I always saw Juna had
something really special.

So, you know. And Chris? He had that...

What? Steroids?

Well, might not want to accuse people

of illegal drugs on tape, Mickey.

You know what? That's all
right. My show, I can cut it.

- Mark: Val.
- Yeah?

- Mark: My flight got in early.
- Okay. I'm in here.

Oh. Hello.

- (Laughs) Hey, Mick.
- What's all this?

You doing another student film?

Oh no, Mark, I told you;

never again after the last seven. Right?

- Oh. (Laughs)
- You didn't get him when he came in.

You know? That's important.
Missed an opportunity. That's all.

- Tyler: I'll do it, dude.
- I don't know. Tyler, no, you stay on me.

- Yeah.
- Mark: Oh, is that Tyler over there?

- Yeah.
- God, I can't see anything

- with that bright light.
- Yeah. I don't know how you do it, Val.

- Well...
- Tyler: Hey, Uncle Mark.

Hey. Hey, you know, uh, call your mother.

She hasn't heard from you in over a week.

- Valerie: Okay. Mark, don't do that.
- Well, she calls me crying.

I know, but, um, don't embarrass
him in front of the rest of the crew.

Right? Because we're trying to be
professional. He's in film school.

Tyler: I'm not in film school.

No? I thought... but
don't you go to USC, right?

- You're a film major?
- No. Urban Planning.

Okay.

Didn't Delia say... I thought
your sister said that he

- wanted a career in show business though.
- Yeah, I... Well

Tyler: Okay.

- Okay?
- (Sputters)

All right. Well, I'm
going to go to the gym.

- Wish I could join you.
- (Laughs) Right.

- Oh, Mark? Marky?
- Mark: Yeah?

- What do you want for dinner?
- Tyler: Dude, watch out.

Ooh.

Are any of you in film school? (Laughs)

- Oh, come on, Val.
- At all?

What does it matter? Anybody
can use a camera now. Well...

All right, well... Can they?

I just really want it to
look professional. You know?

Because I'm going to
give this to Andy Cohen.

- Oh. Is that what this is for?
- Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah.

We've been communicating. You know? So...

Wait, wait. Who is...
who is Andy Cohen again?

Uh... okay.

(Laughs) Who is Andy Cohen?

Um, he's the bravo guy.

- You know, the one who...
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- The, um, the "Housewives" guy.
- That's right.

- Yeah. Wow. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. Very good. (Laughs)

Yeah. So, we've been communicating

because I wrote...

We've been communicating because
I wrote, um, "funny tweet, Andy."

And he wrote back, "thanks, Val."

So, yeah.

And then... And then I wrote, um...

"Wait till you see what I'm up to."

So this is what I'm up to. Okay?
Except no one's going to see it

if you don't get people when
they're entering a room. You know?

It's important. But
that's... You know what?

That's why we're practicing today.

All right, well, have fun. All right?

Okay. Oh, Tyler,

call, um, you know who.

Sorry.

But you know what? Keeps me grounded.

You know? Okay. What's next on the agenda?

Editor: I've got to go to the bathroom.

Okay. So... Well, really?

- Okay.
- Valerie on recording: Sorry I'm late, Doll.

Oh, I... I can't show this. I'm
not supposed to have this footage.

So.

Oh, well, I've already
got you a glass of wine.

Ah, well, I'm not going to drink.

It's the middle of the day. (Laughs)

Waiter?

I should... I can't... I can't show this.

I can't show it. Um, how do I turn it off?

Do you know what... (Sighs)
I'm afraid to push a button.

I don't want to delete
anything. Do you guys know?

Do you know what... To do? You don't. Okay.

Woman: Waiter.

Can you take that? I don't want to...

Lisa: So, talk to me.

Maybe we can work this
whole tabloid thing out.

Just wait.

Um, well, I don't know
what there is to work out,

because I don't put stories about
you and your family in the tabloids.

You know? You know I didn't. So...

Well, mostly, I was hurt.
I mean, you really hurt me.

I've always been very
kind and supportive to you

with all your marriage
problems. Let's be honest.

- Valerie: Okay, well, you know...
- Oh.

- I'm...
- (Lisa laughs)

Let's not...

You heard me say that
I didn't do it, right?

Okay, so it's got to be someone.
It was either you or Kyle.

- Was it Kyle?
- Well, I don't... I don't... you know?

Okay. You know, I see
what's happening here. Okay?

You're trying to... You've got an agenda.

I get it. You've got an agenda and
you're trying to make me the bad guy.

But I'm just not going
to let you do it. Okay?

- (Laughs)
- Okay, so how are we going to do this

- if she keeps talking to you? Huh?
- Well...

- Producer: Valerie, again...
- Yeah.

Please don't reference the camera or me.

This is a waste of time. I'm
going to see if... you know.

Lisa: Oh for God's sake. Okay,
now will you call Camille Grammer?

- I mean, she would never...
- (Knocks) Shit.

What's his name? What's his name?

- Mickey: Um, um, um, um...
- I forgot.

- Mickey: Ivan. I-Ivan.
- Ivan? Is it?

- I think. I think. I think it's Ivan.
- Iger?

Ivan. Okay. It's Russian.

(Knocks) Um... Ivan?

- Ivan: Yeah?
- Yeah. So, um, how do I stop that?

- How do I... to stop it?
- What?

The picture... I want to stop it.

- (Water flowing)
- Okay, he's coming out. That's okay.

So, you know what?
Careful. He's coming out.

So, he'll stop it.

Valerie on recording: I...
you know what? I can't do it.

- I'm sorry. I don't know.
- We'll be done, right?

- Well.
- Because he's... he'll come out.

Oh, this is rough. This was so rough.

Well, let's not... if we
don't make it more interesting.

Valerie on recording: And you know
what else? I don't talk about people...

I'm going to cut all... It's up to me.

Okay? I'm a good person.

- I'm not going to show it.
- (Lisa and Valerie arguing)

Lisa: Nobody is trying to
make you the villain here.

- Okay?
- Trying to make me talk about people,

- and I don't know things.
- No.

I can't say things that I
don't know! I can't do it!

- Oh, for God's sake.
- Well, I can't, okay?

I've done this before. They are
trying to make me the villain.

- Mm-mm.
- All right? Well, they say they're not.

- Right.
- They say they're not. And then...

They're not! You don't
know what's coming later.

All right? Because I've done this before,
and this should be a warning to you.

All right? I'm not putting
myself through this again.

Not for this show, anyway.
Okay? Because it's real...

To be Frank, it's not "Housewives
of New York." All right?

- This isn't going to last. I'm sorry.
- Oh, really?

But it's not. "Housewives
of Beverly Hills"?

Not one of us even lives in Beverly Hills.

Oh yeah, I... I do, I do.

- Okay.
- Okay. One person lives in Beverly Hills.

- Oh, for God's sake.
- You've got a show. Great.

You know what? I can't. I...
I... Andy, I'm sorry, but I quit.

- Oh, thank God for that.
- Yeah. Yeah, I quit. Wait.

Just for the record though,
Andy, for the record,

I'm not storming off. All right?

It's just that I've, you know,
done a reality show before.

So, I know how it goes.
I know how it works.

So, thought I was up for it. But I'm not.

So, I'm sorry. But
goodbye. Good luck, okay?

- Good luck.
- Yeah, fine. Okay.

If this is what you wanna
do, then I'm happy for you.

- I'm happy for all of you.
- Okay.

- Well... Yeah. Okay.
- Good luck.

Lisa: Call Camille.

Yeah. Andy doesn't need
to see that. (Laughs)

- No, he doesn't.
- No.

Well, reality TV has
had quite the evolution.

It's a different reality. (Laughs)

And I should know, because
I was there at the beginning,

with "The Comeback."

Back then, it was just me and
people eating bugs on "Survivor."

"Uh, what's this? This is entertainment?"

Well, as it turns out, yes. Yes, it is.

I was right.

And now, people can't get enough.

You've got dancers, and duck hunters,

and designers, and...

Oh, just the other night I saw a
show where it was just real people

sitting on a couch watching a show.

And I thought, "well, it's
official, they've run out of ideas.

"So, looks like it's
time for me to come back."

I'm not just a real person either.

- I'm an actress.
- (Melody playing softly)

And a wife.

And a stepmom. Can you hear that?

- That's you.
- Oh. Sorry, Red!

Mm-hmm. I thought I had
it on vibrate. Mea culpa.

- That's okay.
- Oh, I should take this.

- It's Dr. "hard to get a hold of."
- Okay, yeah, you do that.

- We'll continue.
- Gave them four times to call,

and this afternoon wasn't
one of them. Jesus criminy.

- Well, you're going to miss your call.
- Mm. Well...

- Okay.
- Hello?

In five... I'm cueing you. Okay?

In five, four, three...

Mickey: Yes, it is, but I can't talk now.

Mickey, we can hear you.

Okay. In five, four, three, two...

- What's...
- Mickey: I'm working, Doctor.

I gave your office four times to call me,

- and this wasn't one of them.
- Can you hear that?

Because I can. Mickey,
we can still hear you.

- Got it.
- Okay. (Valerie laughs)

- Let me guess, doctor.
- Okay.

In five, four, three, two...

- (Phone chiming)
- Okay. Phones off, everybody!

Okay? Because we can't...

oh, that's my phone. All
right. We should stop.

Oh, okay. That's Billy.

Tyler, you go outside and shoot me.

Don't get this camera though.
Okay, that's good. You got it? Okay.

Valerie: Hi, Billy. Publicist.

Oh, wait, that sounded like his
last name. Let's do it again.

- Hi, Billy. My publicist.
- Oh, is this the Andy Cohen pitch?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. We've been communicating.

- (Billy whispers)
- Oh, good.

Yeah. Mickey, say hi to Billy.

- Hot enough for you?
- (Valerie laughing)

Mm-hmm.

You want to come inside, doll?

- I've got a great lighting set-up.
- Billy: No.

I can't stay. Oh, uh, say hi to Carla.

Carla.

- Hootie-hoo!
- Valerie: Hi, doll.

That sounds familiar. Who is that?

Carla from "Top Chef." I represent her now.

- Oh, you do.
- Yeah. She's in town for the "Top Chef:

Super chef all-star" reunion show.

- Wow.
- Oh, you know what? If this goes...

- Uh-huh.
- She could cook you dinner.

- Bravo to bravo? Little cross-promotion?
- Uh-huh. Yeah.

Good night, Mr. Mickey.
Good night, Ms. Valerie.

Good night, dear. See you tomorrow.

Billy: Goodbye. Thank you for all you do.

Um, is that why you came
all the way out here, though?

- Just so I could say hi to the chef?
- No. No, no.

Did you see this about Paulie G. and you?

- What?
- Look. "HBO is making a series

with Paulie G. about a
self-destructive sitcom writer..."

Oh. Sounds right so far.

"...and his relationship with
a neurotic older sitcom actress."

Well, okay. Wish him... that's
fine. You know, wish him well.

She has red hair.

Still. Wish him well.

The character's name is
Mallory. Your name is Valerie.

Uh-huh. Sounds the same. Might be me.

What do you want me to do about it?

I'm just trying to give you a heads-up.

- Okay, my head's up.
- (Billy sighs)

Oh, I've got to go. I've got to run.

But, you know, call your agent,
try to get a copy of the script.

We've got to see what this damage is.

Okay, Billy, I appreciate you
coming all the way out here.

I really do. But I've moved on.

Paulie's in the past. He's free to
write whatever he wants to write,

and I'm free to not react.

Okay. You know?

Yeah. It's okay. All right.

(Sighs) Valerie: Nice to see you, Carla!

Looking forward to...

she's busy. Okay, come on in.

Ethan Biggs, please.

Well, you have to have an
Ethan Biggs. That's my agent.

(Laughs) Oh no, you... my bad.

You're right. Uh, he's
not there anymore. Okay.

Um, what was his assistant's name?
Because she'd be my agent now.

Sasha. Do you have a Sasha someone?

You have three Sashas.
Okay, let's try it this way.

I'm Valerie Cherish. Who's my agent?

- Big agencies.
- Ivan: I can find it.

- My agent?
- The script.

Oh, better. Okay. How
are you going to do that?

- Everything's online.
- That's right.

Privacy is gone. Yeah.

Valerie: Okay. You know
what? I've found what I need.

So, uh, can you just have my agent call me?

Well, whatever his name is. You know what?

Why don't we wait five minutes,
maybe you'll be my agent?

Ah. You're welcome.

Mickey: Will you look at this, Red? Huh?

Paulie G... Rehab. Click on that.

Yeah. Let's...

"Twice in rehab for heroin." (Gasps)

Oh my. The pot I knew. I
had no idea about the horse.

- (Laughing)
- Valerie: Guys.

Guys, addiction, it's not funny.

Okay. So, is that the...
Can you get the script then?

Oh, is that it?

Mickey: "Seeing Red"? How dare he!

Valerie: All right,
let's just print it out.

It's me. This is me.

(Sighs) Is this the apartment
we decided on for Francesca?

- Val?
- Huh? What?

Um, what are the HOAS?

- I mean, it's...
- Oh. Yeah, that's the...

- Yeah.
- Jesus. 1.3?

New York.

Why couldn't she study
fashion in California?

Okay. This is me, Mark. It's me.

It's a horrible version of me, but it's me.

(Sighs) You said you weren't
going to let this bother you.

Yeah, but now I'm reading
it and it's me. Okay?

And he's written me as a monster.

- What did you expect? He's a cocksucker.
- He is a cocksucker!

Mark. We can't say
"cocksucker" because I had Tyler

put back the ceiling cam.

- Val.
- What?

You know what? Don't... don't worry.

My show. My decision. Okay. Don't use this.

God.

He must have been on heroin the entire time

- we were shooting "Room and Bored."
- Well, no wonder it sucked.

Yes, it sucked, and that's
why it didn't get picked up.

So then, it doesn't get picked up and
"The Comeback" doesn't get picked up.

So thank you for that, Paulie G.

God. And now this?

That's not... no. No. Not going to have it.

I'm just not. What can we do?

Well, how bad is it? Does
he... does he use your name?

Well, okay. Her name's
Mallory, Mallory Church.

And my name's Valerie. Valerie Cherish.

All right. Well, that is
too close. You know what?

I'm going to call the
lawyers in the morning.

Okay. Oh, good. Yeah. Call the lawyers.

That's right. Let them handle it.
I'm not going to lose sleep over this.

Nuh-uh. Because that's not me.

You know? Not me.

My hero. Marky Mark.

- Love ball.
- Mm.

Mm, Mark, the camera.

We probably don't want to...

Oh, all right. I'll take care of it.

Hmm? Oh.

- No. Not this. Oh.
- (Laughs)

- Ivan: I like this place.
- Tyler: Yeah, this place is awesome.

Mickey: This is all about "Room and Bored,"

but he's made you the bad guy.

The aforementioned "red" he's talking
about is you. You're the bad guy.

Yeah, no, I know. Waiting
for a call from the lawyers.

Let them handle it. Yeah.

Welcome to Sam's burgers.

Yeah. Okay, yeah. Tyler, what are
you... What are you going to...

I want the Pork Cutlet Curry.

Curry? We're at a drive-thru burger place.

One pork cutlet curry.

- Okay. So they do have that.
- Ivan: I'll have the Bento Box and fries.

- Really? "Small world" after all, huh?
- (Laughs)

- And a Philly Cheesesteak?
- You don't want any foie gras with that, or...

- It's a joke.
- Mickey: So his character's writing a sitcom

- hooked on heroin, but you're the problem with his career.
- Yeah.

Is this supposed to be funny?

Well, it's a... It's a dramedy.

You know, and that's a... That's
a comedy without the laughs.

Sam's employee: Is the cheesesteak a combo?

Um, I guess. I don't know. I...

- Don't ask me. I get delivered meals.
- (Phone chiming)

They should have to pay me for
the title. I call you "Red."

He stole that from me.

Okay. Oh, look. Okay.
Andy Cohen just tweeted,

"having lunch at the Chateau."

Okay. So... oh, you know,
I bet he's here for that

"top shelf super chef"...

Reunion chef thing. Oh.

- Sam's employee: $27.46.
- Okay, yeah, thanks.

I think... I think we should

maybe go to the Chateau
for lunch. Huh, Mickey?

Smart. Smart. We're going to...

Sir? I can't find... Oh, there he is. Yes?

Hi. Yeah, we can't stay. Got to go. Sorry.

I already put in the order.

Well, tell them to
cancel it maybe. You know?

Or I don't know. Maybe the
car behind us maybe wants

a Bento Box and a Philly Cheese Curry.

I don't know. But, you know...

How about you figure it out? All right?

Why am I running Sam's burgers?

It doesn't make sense.
Harry, get in the car.

Sorry. Got to go.

Valerie: All right.

Oh, got to wait. Be safe.

- Wait for Harry to get in.
- (Knocking)

- Valerie: Why can't he get in?
- Mickey: Because somebody locked the door.

Valerie: Oh, Ivan.

That. That's not. Why are you smiling?

Like it's funny. This isn't fun time.

This is work. You can't do
this, you know, on a real show.

Mickey, how do I look?

- Perfection.
- Okay.

Thank you.

(Laughs) Oh, watch out.

- Oh.
- (Laughs) Hi.

(Chuckles) Wow. Table for three, please.

Um, do you have a reservation?

Uh, no. Just passing through, so.

Host: Uh-huh. Um... We
are all booked right now.

Okay. Well, we'll wait. That's all right.

Host: And no cameras allowed.

Okay. Oh, I see someone I know.

Yeah, I can't have the cameras.

Well, I know Andy Cohen so
I'm just gonna go say hi.

Ma'am... (Gasps)

I'm so sorry.

I was just trying to stop you.

With your fist?

I'm so sorry.

Call it even. I'm gonna go say hi to Andy.

Sorry, we can't have the cameras.

Aunt Val, look.

(Phone ringing)

Okay. Well, boys, you heard the man.

Give the cameras to Mickey.

Tyler: Yeah, dude, get your phone out.

I forgot everything's a camera. Yeah.

All right.

Valerie: Okay, go ahead.

I'm gonna take these boys with me.

(Sighs) You owe me. (Chuckles)

Man: I rescued him.

He's so sweet. I mean, he's a good dog,

and I love bringing him to my show.

Andy, hi.

Hey. It's Val. Valerie Cherish.

Hey, of course. I know, Val.

- Hi.
- Oh, good. Hi.

Andy: Sun was in my eye,
you look great. Valerie: Oh.

Valerie: Oh, well so do you, as always.

Thank you. Do you know Ru Paul?

Yes I do. You've got that show.

- Yes.
- Hi.

I'm Valerie Cherish. I... I heard.

I loved Valerie's first sitcom, "I'm it."

We used to watch it in my
dorm room and smoke dope.

- So fun.
- Valerie: Oh. (Laughs)

Val is legendary.

Aw.

We tried to work together a few years ago.

- Valerie: Yes, we did.
- Yeah. We did.

What are you up to now?

Um, well, just working on a
little something right now.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. Hey.

Are you... I thought you were
texting. Are you shooting?

Well, it's not for broadcast. Don't worry.

Yeah. Just doing a
little pilot presentation.

A little something. The host wouldn't
let us bring in the actual cameras.

You know. Actually,
punched me in the stomach.

- Andy: No way.
- Way!

You're kidding. That's hilarious.

- Valerie: I know!
- Did you make a scene?

Right, yeah. Well, should have.

But cameras caught it. So, you know.

You'll see. I think this
might be right for you.

You know, want to show it to you.

Great. Yeah.

I'm looking forward to seeing it.

Oh. Send it to me.

Great, okay. I'm gonna let
you get back to it. Okay.

Before the host comes over

and breaks a chair on my head.

- (Laughing) That's great.
- Right?

- Great to see you, Val.
- Good to see you.

Yeah. And, oh...

I get it now.

Okay? Didn't get it before,

that, you know, I was...

(Whispers) Took myself too seriously.

You know, didn't know I
was playing a character,

thought it was me. But I get it now.

- Okay. Okay.
- Okay? Good.

Enjoy your lunch. So nice to meet you.

- Ru Paul: Thank you.
- Okay, bye-bye.

- Come on, boys.
- Andy: Great. See you, Val.

- Uh-huh.
- Thank you.

Don't hit people.

(Laughs)

Okay.

Well, I think that went well.

Yeah. Well...

Should have made more of a scene

with the host, though. You know?

Andy asked me what I did, and I didn't.

You know, I was too nice.

That's not TV.

You should have flipped the host stand.

Very Teresa Giudice.

Yeah, "Giu-dice." Gotta
find my own thing, though.

I can't just do that. What's the matter?

Look alive, Red oh, yeah. I see them.

I'm off like a prom dress.

Okay.

(Shouting) Hello, hello, hello.

- What's happening?
- (Overlapping shouting)

Paparazzo: Hey, Juna! Juna! Juna!

Valerie: Can we see who it is?

Paparazzo 2: Right this way, over here.

Oh, Juna!

It's Juna. It's Juna.

- Mickey, it's Juna.
- (Shouting continues)

Juna! You're on my foot.

- Juna! Juna!
- Paparazzo: Juna!

Oh. Juna!

- Valerie: Juna!
- (Shouting continues)

Valerie: Juna! Juna!

Move. Juna!

Baby girl!

- Valerie: Juna!
- Paparazzo 3: Juna!

(Shouting ceases)

Paparazzo: Over here, Juna!

No, she's gone.

Okay.

- Missed her.
- Paparazzo: Juna!

- Paparazzo 4: Over here!
- Val!

- Oh my God.
- Ah, there you are!

I didn't even see you there.

Hi. Hi, baby girl.

- Oh...
- Oh...

- Good to see you.
- Good to see you too.

What is going on?

Well, you know... Everything's going.

Got too many irons on the fire, so.

- Well, why am I not surprised.
- Right?

We need to see each other.

Tomorrow?

I wish. I'm actually going
to Bali to shoot a movie.

I'm in love with a robot in this one.

- Yeah, I know.
- Okay.

But I'll be back in like three months.

Three months, it's a date.

- Great.
- Okay.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

Actually, four months. I'm an asshole.

I'm going to Madrid to shoot for vogue.

Oh, okay. Four months.

- Okay, great!
- Oh, I can't wait.

- Where's Mickey?
- Oh, Mickey!

There he is. Look at that.

- Hi!
- Look at you. Yeah.

Mickey: Oh my goodness. Oh my.

Good to see you. Oh, you
look better than ever.

Goodness, you look great.

All the jewels, I see.

(Laughing)

All right. Well, listen, I really gotta go.

- But, I'll see you soon.
- Valerie: Okay.

- Bye.
- Paparazzo: Juna, look this way.

- Okay. Still on my foot.
- Paparazzo: Juna!

You gotta get off my foot.

Valerie: Oh! Okay, that's not nice.

Valerie: Look what your guys did.

And you've gotta get off my foot.

All right? My new best friend.

Okay.

Well, how about that? Huh?

You never know what filming
opportunities life will present you with.

Baby girl.

Mickey: One of the best.

Still smells like patchouli and peppermint.

Can you help me with this?

Valerie: Okay. All right. From my lawyers.

See that, Mickey? It's handled.

Going to send HBO a cease and desist.

- Mickey: Good.
- Yeah.

They should cease and desist.

And better you stay out of it, Red.

That could get messy.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Could get messy.

(Elevator dings)

Well, I'm mad, and this
is about to get messy.

Valerie: Okay, let me just...

so was the timing with the
doors opening better that time?

- Yeah.
- Yeah? Good. Okay.

So, let's go.

And you just follow me, okay?

Whatever happens, just don't stop filming.

I might flip a conference table or two.

Woman: Hello, how can I help you?

Uh, I'm Valerie Cherish and I need to see

someone in charge of "Seeing Red."

The sign-in sheet's here.

Well, I'm not here for that.

- Um...
- (Idle chatter)

Oh God, they've already
started auditioning, Mickey.

Mickey: Oh dear.

Valerie: Okay.

You know what? This is perfect.

This is perf... this is my proof to HBO.

I just need to point to them and say,

"you did not ask my permission,

and you need to stop."

Okay.

Kathryn Hahn?

Is she here?

Val?

Oh.

Sharon.

Valerie: Good to see you, darling.

It's good to see you too.

- Okay, you can't do that.
- Um...

Do you have an appointment today?

Uh, did I need one?

That's me.

They're all doing me. Okay.

You call her Aunt Patsy, but
it's Aunt Sassy and you know it,

because you cast me in it.

Okay. Um...

- Let me tell them you're here...
- Mm-hmm.

And we'll see what they can...

- Yeah.
- I'll be right back.

Okay. Yeah. See what they say.

Valerie: Okay. But I'm gonna go in anyway.

You know.

I'll go in.

(Emphatically) I'll go in.

Yeah.

Okay.

- Hmm?
- Are you...?

Oh, right now? Okay, yeah.

- Sharon: Sure.
- Yeah.

Oh, are the cameras okay?

Sure, if you're okay with it, okay?

Well, I'm... well, they're mine.

So I'm okay. Do you want me to come in too?

Sure, yeah. I don't care who sees this.

You know, because I'm mad.

(Woman speaking on screen)

What is this?

I have Valerie Cherish.

Nice to meet you, Valerie.

Um, thank you. I wish it was
under better circumstances.

- Paulie, hi.
- Hi.

- Paulie: Nice to see you.
- Yeah.

- Okay. Yeah.
- Yeah?

Hey, you look great.

- The exact same.
- Oh.

- Thank you. You too.

Just, I didn't... I
didn't know about the...

You know, that you were...

Glad to see that you're okay now.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey, Mickey. My man!

(Woman on television): Do
you mind if I just don't do

the whole Southern accent
thing? It just feels like...

Woman 2: Uh, okay.

Woman 2: Chelsea Handler, Aunt Patsy.

I'll turn that off.

We were just watching this when you came.

Woman 2: Oh, Aunt Patsy, not now.

Note to self: I don't need to see that.

Hm.

Well, as long as we're
ordering, I'd like a side

of big dick Perkins... Hold the Perkins.

Well... okay. That's not right.

You know. I'm not happy with you.

Or you, okay?

You need to "ceast" and desist.

We did reach out to your agent.

We never heard back.

You reached out for...
to get my permission to...

No, no. We wanted to see
if you were interested

in coming in for it.

Oh, you w-wanted to see if I...

Oh. Oh, and you didn't hear back?

Okay, well...

You know, they just keep
promoting assistants over there.

Next time check the
assistant's directory maybe.

Right. Well, it was my understanding

that we don't need your permission for...

A character Paulie G.
created, called Mallory Church.

It's fiction.

(Laughs) It sounds like a
little miscommunication problem.

- Yeah, uh-huh.
- But you read the script,

and here you are.

It'd be great to hear you read it.

Well, I haven't prepared. So...

Do you need to prepare?
It's pretty close to you.

Without actually being you.

- Uh-huh. Yeah.
- But we'd love to hear what you'd do with it.

Valerie: Okay, sure. Why not? Yeah.

- Woman: Take a few minutes. We'll wait.
- Thank you. Yeah.

Come with me Valerie, and I'll get
you the rest of Aunt Patsy's scenes.

- Okay.
- Ooh! Oh!

Are you all right, doll?

Be careful.

Paulie: You know what?

Hey, guys, we don't
need to hear Valerie read

the show within a show stuff.

You know what I mean?

We know she's great at bad sitcom.

Which I wrote. That's my bad.

- Yeah. Right. I didn't say anything.
- (Laughing)

We just... let's get to
the meat of it, you know?

- Uh-huh.
- To the drama stuff.

All right? Sharon, do
we have the monologue?

Sharon: Sure, that's a great idea.

- Okay.
- Paulie: Yeah?

- Yeah...
- Paulie: Obviously we're not asking everyone to read that.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Thanks for that. I guess I could...

yeah, I could take a few minutes
out there, try to memorize it.

You don't need to memorize
it. No one's expecting that.

You know, we just want to see it.

Right. Yeah, okay. Well, look,

the truth is I didn't...

I didn't read the whole script.

- So, busted.
- (Producers laugh)

So, you know, then it's a cold reading,

and I don't do cold reads well.

And I could argue otherwise.

I've given you stuff cold before.

Right? I had you change
lines right on the spot.

- Yeah. Uh-huh.
- Paulie: You always nailed it.

If you'd like to take your time,

- and prepare, and then come back.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Are we casting tomorrow?

Uh, this is the last day scheduled so far.

- Well...
- Man: Right, right. I'm in Ireland tomorrow.

Oh.

- Valerie: Right.
- Well, it's up to you.

We all know it's a cold reading.

Valerie: Uh-huh.

Okay.

Yeah. Sure.

Okay.

- And down there?
- Man: Yeah.

- Is that where we go?
- Man: Right there.

Okay, off we go then.

Valerie: I'm gonna...

Oh, Mickey, I'm gonna need my glasses.

Valerie: Sorry.

Have to see it if I'm gonna read it.

(All chuckling)

Right?

If I could memorize it,
you could see it without...

Okay. That's fine.

Okay. She won't look like this.

(Producers laughing)

Valerie: Just look it over for one second.

Paulie: Whenever you're ready, Val.

Take your time.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Paulie: Great.

Okay.

(Clears throat)

"You think I'm this dried
up, middle-aged woman.

"Look at the jokes you write,

"look at this tracksuit you make me wear.

"All saying the same thing;

"I'm old, I'm annoying, I'm unfuckable.

Valerie: "Well, I'm not the joke, okay?

"You are, Mitch.

"And instead of spending all your
time trying to make me the joke,

"why don't you do your
job and write me one, huh?

"A real joke, Mitch. Not you and your boys

"off in a room making fun
of an old woman's pussy.

"Yeah, I heard you. I
heard what you think of me.

"I heard it.

"Well, maybe you and everyone in television

"could..." oh, I said it wrong.

Just let me go back.

Okay.

"Well, maybe you and everyone
in the television business

"can't see me as desirable,

"but there are plenty
of men out there who..."

"but there are plenty of men out there...

"Who would still want to
fuck an old lady like me.

"So fuck you, Mitch. Just
fuck you. And fuck you."

Valerie: Okay.

Valerie: Well, that was cold and, um...

It was a little too... Just, up there.

I'm gonna get my crew
and gonna get out of here.

Okay.

So thank you, very much.

Ooh.

Need to get my purse, Mickey.

Just get it.

Okay, everyone coming?

Okay.

Why, why did I do that?

It was so stupid.

Do a cold reading? It was so stupid.

Ooh. (Gasps)

Ivan: You dropped your mic.

(Man via headphones): ...Gonna
have a problem with this.

I can hear them.

(Woman via headphones): I
don't know what that was,

but I've got to have
more of it. Is that weird?

- It's stuck.
- Leave it. Leave it. Leave it.

(Paulie via headphones): We're
not casting her though, right?

Man 2: That's who you wrote, Paulie.

- Man 2: She even had the cameras.
- (Paulie laughing)

What's it stuck on? I don't understand.

(Gasps)

It's broken.

Valerie: It's a rental. Now what do I do?

Ooh. Oh.

I, um...

Dropped this, so... and I didn't want to,

you know, I wasn't listening. So...

Okay, we're good.

Got it. Thank you.

- Sharon: Thank you.
- Yeah. Bye. Bye, Shannon.

Valerie: Sharon!

Mickey: I thought you were wonderful, Red.

Wasn't. Cold read.

Sometimes it's not possible to win.

You know, just got...

That's supposed to go up though.

Why isn't it going up?

Okay.

Can't get out.

Man over pa: (Unintelligible)

What?

Man over pa: (Unintelligible)

I can't understand. Mickey,
could you understand?

- Mickey: No.
- (Car honks)

Tyler: They want you to go.

Yeah, well no one wants to
get out of here more than I do.

So thanks for that, Tyler.

Hey, you... someone has to help me.

Man over pa: (Unintelligible)

Oh, it said you put in the wrong ticket.

Oh. Well...

I don't...

That's right, I had two tickets.

But who...

who gives you two valet tickets, anyway?

Fucking HBO.

Man over pa: You put in the
wrong... (Unintelligible)

I know. I know. I did a stupid thing!

- Okay.
- (Horn blaring)

Oh, you know what? All right.

Shut up, sir! I can't go!

All right? No, you!

Just turn them off. Off.

- Cameras off, okay?
- Man over pa: (Unintelligible)

Okay, you don't have to shoot everything.

You just keep blabbering and I...

You know? 'Cause, listen...

turn the cameras off, so you
missed the call from my agent.

Okay. Never turn the cameras off.

Tyler: You told us to.

Well, Tyler, not now. Okay?

You're gonna harsh my mellow.

You know what? Why don't
I just do the call again?

Right? I can fake it, I'm an actress.

Yeah. According to HBO I'm
an "amazing" dramatic actress.

So, who knew. (Laughs)

Mickey: Good for you, Red.

We're back on TV.

Well, no. "It's not TV. It's..."

they don't do that anymore, do they?

Okay, in five, four, three...

someone say "ring."

Mickey: Oh. Ring!

Oh. It's my agent.

This is Valerie Cherish.

No, you know what? Let's do that again.

- (Door opens)
- Mark: Val?

Ooh. This is better.

Okay, you guys. You're
gonna get me telling Mark.

Valerie: And get his
reaction when I'm telling him.

Hey guys. Hi.

Still working? (Chuckles)

Valerie: Yeah.

Valerie: Um, got something to tell you.

Tell me what?

Valerie: Well, Marky Mark,

just got a call from my
agent, Sean something.

HBO and Mr. Paulie G. loved me

and offered me a part in "Seeing
Red." How do you like that?

- (Laughs)
- Mark: Well, how'd that happen?

Aren't we suing them?

Well, okay. That was a mistake.

You know. Lesson learned.

Took myself too seriously. You
know, it's a part in a show.

Well, last night you said it was you.

Yeah, and somebody's gonna play me.

You know? And not as good.

Now it's me playing me.

Valerie: Well, I don't think so...

No way, Val.

I mean, no fucking way.

Valerie: Well...

To be continued.

('80s music playing)

Mickey, are you coming...

♪ ♪

Harry: When do we get paid?

Ivan: I think it's like every week.

♪ ♪

♪ When I'm with you baby ♪

♪ I go out of my head ♪

♪ And I just can't get enough ♪

♪ And I just can't get enough ♪

♪ All the things you do to me ♪

♪ And everything you said ♪

♪ I just can't get enough ♪

♪ I just can't get enough ♪

♪ We slip and slide
as we fall in love ♪

♪ And I just can't
seem to get enough of ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It's getting hotter
it's a burning love ♪

♪ And I just can't
seem to get enough of ♪

♪ ♪