The Comeback (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Valerie Relaxes in Palm Springs - full transcript

The Comeback - Season 1- Episode 8
"Valerie Relaxes in Palm Springs"

- What's the catch??
- There's no catch, Marky-Mark.

They're giving us a brand new navigator

All right. We just have to use
it in "The Comeback. "

- So there is a catch.
- Well, catch or freebie??

I've always wanted to
drive one of these things.

Well...

- It's big.
- Big car for a big man.

I'm really looking forward to
our little Palm Springs getaway.

It's gonna be nice, just us.

And the two cameras and the crew.



We're gonna get some shots
of you driving, right??

No, you should just
relax and enjoy the trip.

Yes, get shots of us driving.

Yeah, I think we just have
the one camera and sound.

Oh, just like our honeymoon.

Isn't he something?? He's, you know...

He could tell I was a
little down last week,

you know, 'cause they
canceled the Sassy episode,

and he just put everything on hold

to take a long weekend,

spend some much needed downtime

with his lady in the desert. It's nice.

He's a good guy.

Oh, that's a great idea.



Honey, will you grab my golf clubs too??

You want to golf??

Yeah, I got some real cute golf clothes.

So yeah, I do.

- That'll be a good shot.
- Morning.

Beautiful day for a drive. Hi.

Bill Hartwick, press
rep, Lincoln Mercury.

Thank you so much. We're real excited.

Oh, it's our pleasure, believe me.

And you must be Jane. Okay,
really looking forward to the trip.

This car handles real well.

Could you say "the
navigator handles real well"?

- I'm sorry??
- When you say something about the car

Could you mention the name?? Like
"the navigator has comfortable seats,"

or "the navigator has individual
seat warming or cooling controls. "

Yeah, okay.

The naviga...

I forgot what I said.

This navigator handles real well.

There, done.

Oh, it's my agent.

Probably calling about the "Room
and Bored" situation. Hello.

Could you put it on the speaker??

- Valerie, hold for Joe.
- Thank you.

- Val??
- Oh hi, Joe.

Listen, you're on speaker, Mr.
Agent man, so no bad news, huh??

Okay, what's up, doll??

"Room and bored" is officially
shut down for a retool.

Oops.

Looks like we have to find
another code word for bad news,

'cause bad news didn't work.

Uh, uh... yeah no.

Tom and Paulie G already
told me about that, yeah.

Yeah, everyone's happy
with what you're doing,

but they think that last
episode went off-track.

In their words, they're
"refocusing to chase the youth. "

Well, I'll tell you one thing
that is chasing the youth away,

It's that running suit they put me in...

You know, Joe?? Oh, "call ended. "

Yeah, this area's a
bitch for cell reception.

Oh yeah, well, he'll call back.

"Chase the youth. "
That's hollywood for you.

You know, anyone over 22,
mandatory hip replacement.

So...

you know what, I'm done. Here.

Don't let me make any
more calls about the show.

- Right.
- I'm serious, Mark.

No, just put it in your pocket, okay??

We're going to Palm Springs
to get away, all right??

Biz... show business
stops here and now.

How about some music??

Marky-Mark loves his music.

I bet this car... the navigator
has a great sound system.

The Lincoln navigator
is the first in its class

to offer a cinema-quality sound system.

- Yeah, he's not gonna say that.
- Oh, that's fine.

All right, well, what do we have??

We have Eric Clapton,
the Allmann Brothers...

Cheap Trick and Bob Seger.

And I know we have some
current hits in air.

Oh, here's one we
love, Mary J. "Bilge. "

It's Blige.

No, you're wrong. It's Blige.

Put in Cheap Trick.

We can't play any music,

because if we can't afford
it or can't clear it,

then the whole trip's unusable.

- Right.
- We can't listen to music??

- Well, then they can't use it.
- I heard her.

- All right.
- I'm sorry.

That's all right.

What are we gonna do for the next
two hours?? If we can't listen to music.

Well, I for one am gonna
just sit here quietly.

Let all the Hollywood
stress go. Start to relax.

Do you??

No. Not even thinking
about show business.

- Remember this??
- Yeah.

Yeah, oh.

W uniforms.

Hello hello hello?!

Well, here we are in relaxing
Palm Springs and...

- Yeah??
- We have to do it again.

There was a problem
with the camera move.

- Again??
- Yeah.

We gotta do it again. It's all right.

They just wanna get it right, you know.

Hold up?! Hold up?!

It's gonna be a long
weekend with this guy.

- Ugh, I know it.
- Jeez.

Okay, rolling?! Come on out.

- Do you wanna??
- No, I'm on vacation.

Well, here we are in Palm
Springs ready to relax.

Should we just leave the car here??

Uh, "should we just
leave the navigator here??"

Jane, he's gonna have to stop.

He's gonna have to stop doing that.

Welcome to the Parker Palm
Springs, Mrs. Cherish.

Oh, thank you.

Wow?!

This place is different.

The hotel has just gone
through an extensive renovation.

I'll say, yeah.

When we were here last,
the lobby was all...

white couches and very
elegant chaise lounges.

Right, very old Hollywood.

It hasn't been like this for two years.

Two years?? No, wait.

It can't have been that
long since we were here.

Well, yeah, I remember the last time we were
here I threw my back out playing golf

and had to put on those bengay hot
adhesive strips on my lower back.

- Yeah.
- That was like...

Oh, look at that?! Oh
Jane, isn't that fun??

You getting that?? Yeah. Aw.

It's so fun, that piece.

You know, compliments to the decorator.

Really, great look, the whole.

- Would you like to go to see your room??
- Oh yes, I would.

Look at that. It's a
sheep, but it's a chair.

It's a sheep chair. Yeah, no.

It's really great. So hip, you know.

Ooh?!

Hi, do you know...
Are these chairs taken here??

I'm sorry. Hi.

I'm wondering, are
all these chairs taken??

Yeah, my boyfriend and my friends.

Oh, so you're saving one, two,
three, four, five chairs then??

Sorry, we got up real
early to get these chairs.

- What is all this??
- Oh, right, we're filming a reality show.

The actually wanted to get a shot me.

We're hoping to on one
of these pool chairs,

You know, just outside my room.

That's my room right there.

Right directly behind us. It's
a straight line. Can't miss it.

- Yeah, that's my room next to yours.
- Oh, is it??

Yeah.

Do you know when these
chairs will be available??

I don't know.

Everybody's taking naps.

Oh. Right, okay, uh-Huh.

I'd sit over there, but I can't
be in the direct sun, you know.

I'm a redhead, so I'm not allowed.

I'll move my ipod. You can have one.

That's awfully sweet of
you. It really is, really.

But actually I need two.

Because I'm waiting for my
husband. He's coming out.

So I guess I need two, so all right.

Yeah, you got that??
I don't need to see that?!

I thought I left that all behind me.

Mark?? Hey.

I shouldn't yell. It's not a tenement.

Just wanted to know we're over here.

Oh, hi.

I read the new revisions. I wanna make
sure we're all on the same page budget-wise.

- The studio, they're just not happy.
- I don't wanna hear that.

Oh, let it go, Val.
Decide what you wanna eat.

Oh, I know what I want.

Good. Well, we'll eat something
and then we'll squeeze in nine holes.

All right.

Oh, great. Here comes a
cigar. Perfect, perfect.

- That's a good cigar.
- Is it??

You know, that reminds me, you know
who we should see while we're here??

- Who??
- Don and Donna Franklin.

You know, Jane, that could be fun.

We should have them on the show,

Have'em for dinner or something.
He used to work with Mark,

and she is quite a character.

You know, she has a
real big personality,

- Tons of fun, yeah.
- Great.

Yeah.

All right, guys, you
know what you'd like??

Yes, oh yes, I would like a little
lunch in a lounge chair.

Near my room, please.

Yeah, bummer,

everyone kind of stakes
out their claims early here.

Yeah, well, that's good
to know. What time usually??

- How early??
- Uh, like 7:00.

Wow, so you have to set the alarm
so you could get up and relax??

- Yeah.
- I am going to have

the tiger shrimp tempura
with the ponzu dipping sauce.

And I am going to have the salad with
the poached chicken and pear, please.

Oh, is that on the menu??

Oh sure, yeah. No, I
get it all the time.

Yeah, it's called the...

- Angie Dickinson.
- Uh, the who??

Yeah, I'll get, um...

I'll just have a salad then.

Oh, awesome. Okay, which one??

Yeah, the uh... the $25 one.

- Okay, all right.
- Yeah.

Okay.

Spencer, it's such
a glorious day for golf.

- Jane, that's my Kate Hepburn.
- Okay, let's get serious here.

All right, you old poop.

- Hands...
- Yeah.

Okay, hands nice and easy. Right there.

There we go. Now easy backswing and...

okay, you're done. My turn.

- I was just trying to have some fun.
- I know,

but they're trying to play through.

- So let me go and then...
- He's gonna go.

Someone's in the doghouse.

Agh?!

Jesus?! Fuck?!

What?? Mark, that was good.

No... it wasn't.

Val, would you come over
here and just take this??

Could you get the cameras outta here??

- Why are you so upset??
- Because I don't want them filming this.

We have a camera in the bedroom,
but this is where you draw the line??

- This is golf.
- Okay.

- Okay
- But wait. I want one more shot.

So just go over there, turn your
phone off and don't say anything.

Okay, okay.

- He's gonna take another shot.
- Is everything okay??

Yeah, shh. Be quiet.

Now go.

- Yeah??
- Yeah.

All right. Well, that was fun.

- We're gonna get back now.
- How's he gonna get back??

Oh, he's a big boy. He'll figure it out.

Just check my messages.

Who called??

Okay.

Ahem, yeah.

Mark, that was Don and Donna.

They're on for 7:00.

Oh?! Okay, he heard me.

I'm just gonna get in.

He was driving, I don't know...

Okay, all right.

It goes fast.

Marky-Mark, how do you like that chair??

You know, it's pretty comfortable.

It's not quite as comfortable
as the seats in the navigator.

There, I think we did our duty.

- Oh, here they are. Hello hello hello?!
- Hey?!

- So you found us??
- How could we miss you??

You're the two old
farts with the camera.

Can you believe this crazy place??

The only thing missing is Dean
Martin and the Golddiggers.

Oh, what'd I tell you?? Tons of fun, huh??

- And who is this with the gorgeous skin??
- This is Jane, our producer.

Oh, hi, "Jane our producer,"
we're Don and Donna, the double Ds.

Need I say more??

Well... tons of fun.

So anyway, we thought
we could have drinks here

and then go into town for dinner.

Oh, Val, honey, between
the gays and the grays,

this town is a zoo. Let's just eat here.

Is that okay with you, Don??

As long as I don't have
to sit in a chair with fur.

- That's for you, big guy.
- Hey, now we're talkin'.

- Grab my purse, then I'm gonna...
- Okay.

Don't really... know them that well.

They're business
acquaintances of Mark's.

So you know, I've met Don a
couple times and you know...

I just met her a couple times.

Always seemed fun.

No, yeah?! I'm running
a production company...

Why would I?? I can do
everything I did there,

But here I live off the 18th green.

If they ever find a way to hook
up a computer to a golf bag,

He'll never come home.

That would be a nice idea if I was a moron,
but I'm not. I cannot make this movie...

...doing it all afternoon at the pool,
and now he's doing it at dinner.

- You want me to say something??
- No no, it's not.

Hey, Mr. Hollywood?! Hold it down.

The geriatric set is trying to talk.

- There. Done.
- Yeah.

You know, before the cancer I
would have just sat here and fumed.

But now... You did know I had cancer??

- No, I didn't.
- It was in our holiday newsletter.

Oh, who really reads those
things, right?? I mean...

If it's not about my
family, I don't give a fuck.

Oh, relax, Valerie. I'm fine now.

And I got to keep both my tits?!

And besides, it's a
reality show, right??

- Cancer's part of reality.
- Yes yes.

- And it is a part of reality...
- It is.

...you know.

- Would anyone like dessert??
- Sure, absolutely.

- Love dessert.
- Yes?!

- There you go.
- Thanks.

And how's your evening going?? Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Bill Hartwick, I gave
them their navigator.

So... uh, you have a good evening.

Okay, good night.

- Val??
- Yeah.

Jane, he has to stop doing that.

Well, it's 2:00 A. M.

And as you can hear, Mr. and Mrs.
Hollywood next door are having a party.

And I've called the desk twice now,

and Mark has taken a sleeping pill.

I have not taken a sleeping pill,

Because I have to get
up early in the morning

so I can get two decent pool chairs...

you know.

Listen to that?! Unbelievable?!

Just 'cause someone doesn't
know how to leave work behind

and simply relax, you know??

Now everyone else has to pay the price.

I have to.

All right, well, I'm
gonna try to go to bed.

I'm just gonna try now.

Valerie??

I think I hear something.

- Jane, what time is it?
- It's 10:30.

- What? Oh, What, what?
- It's 10:30.

It's... No no, Mark?! We slept in?!

- What??
- We slept in.

Can I see?? Are there
chairs at the pool??

There're no chairs at the pool.

- There are no chairs left at the pool, Mark.
- What??

That's it, that's it.
There're no chairs.

- The whole day is ruined?!
- What can we do??

I don't know?! We're screwed?!

The day is ruined?!

Ok, we'll be out. We'll
be out in a second.

God, this sun is delicious.

- What's the matter??
- Nothing, I'm just so hot.

- Take off that sarong and go for a swim.
- I can't, I'm wired.

You're not wired?? You're pissed off?!

You know?? If it's bothering you
so much just go over there and

tell you wanna use the empty chairs

You want better go??

It's fine?! it really is?!

You can't keep these feelings.

You'll get sick?!

Words to live by?!

Thank you?! You know.

Valerie?? We don't know
each other very well but...

can I say something??

Sure?!

You have to stop worrying so
much about what people think?!

Okay.

Like that, like that?!

You keep looking at the camera,

trying to control have
this is all coming across?!

Oh no?! I'm not trying to control all...

You can't control all life, Val?!

You can't even control
that chair here by the pool.

Cares what people think?!

You got to love yourself.

Warts and all.

Good for you?! Yeah?!

Donna gonna wild?!

Bang bang?!

So we would probably have to
go into town to get that footage...

Right. Otherwise, when we'll... Yeah...
Otherwise when will we...

So...

Hey remember?! Dinner's on us tonight.

That's right?! Thank
you for that. Awesome.

Thank you so much.

Just gotta get my shoe on.

- Okay, good.
- Bye, honey.

- Bye, have fun. Enjoy everything.
- Thank you, I am.

Okay.

Oh?! Oh, shoot?!

I'm sorry, did I break it??

All right, well, let's
go. Let's keep going.

Well, here's the statue of celebrity

and former mayor of
Palm Springs Sonny Bono.

For those of you who don't know,
he was the mayor of Palm Springs

Ooh?! Really heats up there.

- Excuse me.
- Yes??

Could you tell me where the
statue of Sonny Bono is??

There he is right there.
Just don't touch him.

Don't touch him, because
he really heats up.

- Yeah.
- All right.

- Anyway...
- Oh my god?! It's Valerie Cherish?!

We... We don't wanna bother you, we
just wanna tell you that we love you.

Oh, it's no bother at
all. Valerie Cherish

Hi. I can't believe I'm
meeting you. I love you?!

I've turned him onto you.
I've loved you since "I'm it?!"

You boys are so delightful?!
What are your names, then??

Well, I'm Tony and this
is my boyfriend Raoul.

You are the best thing
on "Room and Bored"?!

Really??

That's running suit
you wear is hilarious?!

Isn't it, isn'it?? Ah ah, I know.

You're busy and we don't wanna
take up any more of your time.

- Oh, not at all.
- We can't wait for your reality show.

Oh, okay, listen, I gotta
get a hug for that.

Thank you, thank you so much.

- Take care.
- Thank you. Nice meeting you?!

- You too.
- Can I get you to sign a release

so we can use you on
the "The Comeback"??

Is that a yes??

I don't wanna be on the show.

What's that?? I'm sure you do.

You're adorable. Don't worry about.

He's not out to his parents yet.

I mean, I keep pushing
him and pushing him.

They don't even know
I come to Palm Springs.

They don't even know about Tony.

It'd be like "hi, I'm
gay" on national TV.

Right.

Yeah, well, you know,
of course, this, Raoul,

is a very personal decision, of course.

You know. But if I... Can I
share something with you??

Today a friend of mine who recently
survived a cancer scare said,

"You can't worry about
what people think"

You know, I am telling
him that all the time.

Yeah, well, you can't.
You have to be who you are.

Warts and all.

Just... you know...

Okay. I'll sign?!

Wow, good for you. What a nice moment?!

That's a nice moment.

Thank you, Ms. Cherish.

My pleasure, you know.
It's true, though.

It's just really important
to honor yourself.

Yeah, I think it's right there. Yeah?!

Put your name there.

- Gotta help him out, Jane.
- Do we both sign??

- Excuse me.
- I'm so sorry.

I would like to make a toast.

To my new spiritual leader Donna.

I've ben called many
things but never that.

Well, you are now,
'cause listen, thank you.

Okay, from me, from "The Comeback".

From my new out-loud
and proud friend Raoul?!

- Raoul?!
- Salud?!

Val, it sounds like there's
a ballet in your birkin.

- That's good.
- Thank you.

I'm sorry. Oh, it's Juna?!

I should say hi. Juna Ji.

- Hi, baby girl.
- Can you hear me??

One of these kids from the show.

- Hey, Valerie, are you coming??
- Coming where, dear??

I'm in Palm Springs.

Oh that's why you're not here.

- Where??
- At Paulie G's party?!

Oh, are you having fun?? Who's there??

Oh, the whole cast and
Tom, some of the writers.

You know, Paulie was so cute trying to make
us all relax about the retooling thing.

All right, sounds like fun but...

Like I said, I'm out of
town relaxing with Mark so...

That explains it. 'Cause I asked
Paulie where you were.

He's always joking like,
oh, "she's not invited. "

Okay, all right, listen?!

I'm in the middle of dinner so when
I get home I'm gonna call you, okay??

Okay have fun. Miss you.

You too. All right, bye.

Sweet.

As your newfound spiritual advisor,

I advise you to get some
of those feelings out.

I'm fine.

Okay, then, as Donna,

- I advise us to get a lot of more drinks.
- Oh, well...

- Mas tequila, por favor?!
- Muy bueno, senor?!

Let's have our own party, huh??

You know, one time Donna
and I were in Acapulco,

We rented two burros and a guide who
took us to the top of this mountain...

Mm-hmm, now.

Oh marky-mark, let's get
our chair for tomorrow.

We're leaving tomorrow, Val.

No, I'm getting a good
chair before I'm leaving.

Come on, it's late. Let's go in.

No, you go in. I'm relaxing.

Val.

Marky-Mark, go in. I'm
relaxing on my chair.

All right, five minutes.

And then I'm coming out.

Okay.

No.

No, no.

Where are you??

- What are you doing??
- I want to call him.

Oh, I can't find it.
I wanna call Paulie G.

- I'll do it.
- Okay.

Look under "F" for "Fatty".

Did you hear... that??

- It's ringing.
- Oh.

Okay.

This is Paulie G.

This is Valerie, Valerie Cherish,

and words on the street
is that you had a party.

Fatty had the party?!

Fatty had a party and nobody came?!

Oh no, no, no, no.

No, the problem is that everbody came,

and I wasn't invited.

And that hurt my feelings. Okay??

And you need to know that,

'cause I'm not gonna keep
it inside and get cancer.

Good.

Okay, I'm just gonna wait
until I can enjoy my chair.

- Let's not sleep outside, okay??
- Why not??

- How's your head??
- It's fine.

You wanna stop for water
of coffee or something??

Let's just go home.

We can't play music. We can't afford it.

I'll pay. It's on me.

*I wan't you to want me?!*

How about the quality of those
navigator cinema-quality...

I swear to God. I will pull over and
put you out onto the side of the road.

Transcript?: Raceman

Synchro?: Csivore

Corrections?: Seth Cohen

* I want you to want me *

* I need you to need me *

* I'd love you to love me *

* I'm begging you to beg me *

* I want you to want me *

* I need you to need me *

* I'd love you to love me *

* I'll shine up the old brown shoes *

* Put on a brand new shirt *

* I'll get homeearly from work *

* If you say that you love me *

* Didn't I, didn't I,
didn't I see you crying?? *

* Oh, didn't I, didn't I,
didn't I see you crying?? *

* Feeling alone without a friend *

* you know you feel like dying *

* Oh, didn't I, didn't I,
didn't I see you crying?? *

* I want you to want me *

* I need you to need me *

* I'd love you to love me *

* I'm begging you to beg me *

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