The Comeback (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Valerie Bonds with the Cast - full transcript

- Episode 3-
"Valerie Bonds with the Cast"

How important is
the cast of a sitcom?

Well, the cast is everything!

All right?
How's that?

And I love being
in an ensemble comedy.

Surround me with a great cast
and I am in sitcom heaven.

You know?
Uh...

And I'm lucky enough to have
been thrown in the center of-

You know, not just one,
but two great shows.

So knock wood.

Are you still close
to the cast of "I'm it"?



Um, I'm close with the cast
of "I'm it", that old gang.

Do you think you'll be closer
to this cast or the cast of "I'm it"?

Well, you'll have to ask me that
in 97 episodes.

Right?

- Good morning!
- Ah, good morning, Juna.

Hi Jane.
Hi guys!

Oh shit, I fucked up.
I'm sorry.

- I'm not supposed to talk to the crew.
- Oh no, that's okay.

- Don't worry about it.
- Okay.

Well, let's see what
aunt Sassy's up to.

Oh... it usually
makes a pop.

Okay, here we go, everyone!

- Guys, sorry about the late script delivery, everybody.
- Get used to it!

I just have one thing to say.



We haven't cast
the art critic yet, so...

Our mr. Paulie G. here
will be reading it.

- All right.
- And I have one thing to say.

I can't act.

"Episode number two:
two hot chicks,

one hairy ass
and a paintball gun. "

- Tom?
- Yes, you need something, Val?

Yeah well, and I have
something to say.

I- Um-

Just wanted to
take this moment in,

you know, for all of us

'cause here we go!

First official episode,
you know,

it's exciting.

We're all- We're just so lucky
to have found each other.

You know?

Here's to you,
each and every one, huh?

All right. Jimmy, do you want
to say something?

Uh, yeah, uh...

Get that camera off me.

Very good. Touche.

Interior,
aunt Sassy's condo.

Cassie and Dylan sit on the couch
in their bathing suits.

I'm bored.
Let's paint the room.

What about
the gestapo upstairs?

Uh, no thank you.
I don't care for gazpacho.

Cassie, if we're going to be roommates,
you've got to fight your blonde.

Fight the blonde,
right.

I'm talking about the condo gestapo-
Your "aunt" Sassy.

- Oh...
- There's a knock on the door.

Cassie reaches for the phone
and answers it.

Hello?

No, Cassie,
that was the door.

Oh, right! Phone: hello;
door: come in.

The intercom buzzes.

- Who is it?
- Aunt Sassy.

It's "aunt" Sassy.
Hide the evidence.

Cassie throws a beach towel over mooner
and stitch, still asleep on the couch.

The front door opens.

Aunt Sassy stands there in her
pathetic pink running suit,

holding pathetic pink
plastic workout weights.

Ladies, I'm trucking on down
to the beach to jazzercise, any takers?

No way!

I mean, I have to study
for my law finals.

Yeah, and I'm allergic to sand.

- Hey, how was your blind date
last night, aunt Sassy?

He was handsome, he was sexy.
He didn't show!

Cassie and Shayne make
poor-Pathetic-Aunt-Sassy faces.

Very good, very good, everyone. The
writers still haven't figured out a tag.

- Get used to it!
- Let's take a break and we'll start.

Actors 30 minutes!

Listen, gang- Hey, guys!

- Jesse, Chris- Chris!
- What's up?

Listen, I want to take
you all to lunch this week.

- Ohh, that's nice.
- Great!

Yeah, have, like,
a special cast-Bonding lunch.

- I do it with all my shows.
- Okay.

- I'm inking wednesday.
- I can't do it wednesday.

- Tuesday?
- I can't do it tuesday because I have an appointment.

- You know, I'm gonna
talk to the writers.

Why don't you figure it out and then you
let me know. It's gonna be fine.

Okay.

We can't really rely
on that visual blow.

Yeah, but they showed ass
in "N. Y. P. D. Blue. "

- 10 years ago and a drama.
- Fucking drama.

You know what?
I swear to god, if I hear fucking drama

- One more fucking time-
- Jimmy!

- See you in 30 minutes, doll.
- Okay, yeah.

- No, seriously, fuck them!
- Listen, guys, really-

Let's be forensics people
and find fucking dead hookers

For five fucking shows!

Yeah, right right.

- Guys, really great.
- -Fucking blah!

- Tom, great first script.
- We're all fucking forensics people.

- Let's do five shows about it!
- It was really fun, and that blind date?

So funny. You know what would be
really great is to, um-

See aunt Sassy on a date
sometime.

- Oh yeah yeah yeah.
- Right?

Well, I got-
That was a great read.

Aw, thanks! Quick question-
I'll walk with you.

- I have a question.
- Guys, go back and get started. I'll be there in a sec!

- Great script!
- Hey, val, check out my new dressing room!

- Oh, that's great.
- Isn't it great?

That's great.
Listen, here's the question.

Is it aunt Sassy
or "aunt" Sassy?

- Aunt Sassy.
- Okay, some of us

are saying "aunt" Sassy.

But, yeah, that's what I
thought it was. Okay, good.

I'm glad that's cleared up.
Now, while we're on the subject,

is Cassie my brother's
or my sister's child?

- You're her aunt.
- Right, yes,

But is it my brother's
daughter or my sister's?

It makes a difference,
you know?

Paulie, what do you think,
brother, sister?

Yeah, uh...

Brother or sister,
I don't know.

- We didn't really give it that much thought.
- That's what I'm here for.

- Didn't mean to step on toes.
- Oh no no no.

No, no toes,
no toes.

Okay.

No, you can't take it
personally. He's-

He's just not
comfortable with the-

- Cameras. Yeah.
- Yeah.

or the reality show?

I know a lot
of writers are upset

because reality shows are
putting them out of work.

Is that what it is?

Well, I don't think he's...
worried about that.

He had an emmy
when he was like 22.

- Oh, he has an emmy?!
- Well, we both do.

Yeah, we won it for our first
"simpsons" script.

Wow!

Oh... I'm surrounded by emmys.
I didn't even know.

Tom, whenever you're
finished with Valerie,

- I'll show her her dressing room.
- Okay, we're done.

- Oh, I mean, are we-?
- Sure, yeah.

You go, that's fine.
So, brother?

Just it might make a better
guest star down the road.

- I think.
- Brother?

- Uh, let me think about it.
- Yeah, think about it.

- I'll- Yeah.
- Okay.

Yeah.
Okay, thanks.

- Valerie, it's this way.
- This way.

I think you're gonna like it. We gave you
the one with the private bathroom.

- Right up there.
- Up?

Yeah, I mean that way the kids
won't bother you, you know?

That Chris is driving me
fricking crazy.

Right. Now, I know
that one has a bathroom.

Yes, Tom and Paulie G. wanted
that for their hangout room

- On show nights, you know?
- Uh-Huh.

- Right right.
- I gotta go to props.

All right, yeah.

Bring your sherpa!

...and they gave me this private dressing
room way above everyone else.

It's a lovely gesture
and I appreciate it,

but, you know, it puts me on a pedestal

and I have to climb down off of it.

Hey, shouldn't you get up?

No, I'm gonna wait until
you finish getting dressed.

The boom isn't picking him up.
I should mic him.

You're gonna wait?
Mark, it's 7:00.

You have to take
Franchesca to school.

Yeah, I- But-

Well, you know, just-

Act like yourself.
Pretend they're not here.

Yeah, well, how am I not
supposed to see that?

Al, what the fuck?
Your hand's in the shot.

- The sheets keep moving. Can we
just get him a t-Shirt? - Sure, yeah.

Right, can we make a deal that we
don't start until after breakfast?

There you go.
There.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, it's no big deal.

You know, just us,
you and me in the morning.

What about this for the hair?
Very "That girl"!

A little too much.
Yeah.

Daddy, can I come in?

Yeah, come in, Franchesca.

We're running a little late, so your
father will get ready in a minute.

Oh well, I was wondering if
you could drive me, Valerie?

You want me
to drive you to school?

And I thought we could,
like, talk on the way.

That's great.

Why don't you go down to the
kitchen and I'll be down in a minute.

All right.

How do you like that, huh?

* Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes! *

Big day at the Berman house.

That little girl is finally
reaching out to me.

A little overwhelmed.

Jane- Um-

This might be a good moment
for a personal video diary.

Should I just run in the bathroom,
knock that out?

- She's waiting for a ride.
- She'll be fine. Won't take five.

- Really feeling it.
- Why don't we just head downstairs

- And we can get it O. T. F.
- What's o. T. F.?

- On the fly.
- Great!

Mickey, will you grab my purse, dear?
We're gonna get this o. T. F.

Marky-Mark, have a great day.

Bye, Mickey.

Go ahead.

Well, today is a day that I've been
working toward for a very very long time.

Uh... franchesca and I
are starting to bond.

And we're crossing
from stepmom to friend.

I'm sorry. Jane!
I think we-

Could we switch so I'm
looking up at camera?

I think it'll be a better
angle, that's all.

Yeah, let's switch it out.

Okay, that's too close.

Yeah, okay.

Well, today's a day that I've been working
toward for a very long time.

Franchesca and I are
finally starting to bond.

Maybe you just
stay there and I-?

Um, well, today's a day that I've been
working toward for a very long time.

Franchesca and I are...

finally starting to bond,

Uh, crossing from stepmom to friend.

It should- "On the fly"
is moving, right?

I can't just be standing.
Let's start at the top then.

Rolling.

Jane, we're coming up
on her school.

Did any of you guys
work on "the real world"?

"The Ashlee Simpson show"?

Jane, there's another reality
show filming at the school.

Unit, we're pulling up
on the school.

Some father and son
trading places thing.

- Who is this?
- "Switcheroo" for nickelodeon.

Oh, move it!
You're in our shot!

Relax, man, we're shooting
a reality show too.

- Which one?
- "The comeback" with Valerie Cherish.

- Who?!
- Valerie Cherish.

- Come again.
- Valerie Cherish!

Jane, I don't want to be
late for rehearsal, so...

Yeah, we'll just shoot Valerie
saying goodbye from the car.

- Yeah.
- You're not coming in?

Can't do it. We have another crew
and rehearsal, so-

"Switcheroo" is stupid. Big deal,
an adult dresses like a kid.

Come in!

- Ready for me?
- Eddie: actually no.

Jimmy's still working
the bits out with the kids.

- Oh okay.
- We're not getting to your scene till after lunch.

- You're released, okay?
- Well, we're having our special cast lunch today.

- So I'm gonna wait here.
- Great.

What do you think, Jimmy?

- Let's try the t-shirt bit.
- Rehearsal, t-shirt!

Boys, whoo!

Time out.

Does that work?

Wow, I'd say
that worked.

- Man: shazam!
- Does it work? Is it hot in here?

Guy, how many ways
do I have to tell you no?

- We're allowed to shoot Valerie's rehearsals.
- Valerie's not in this scene.

I know but I was just missing
everyone way up there in my castle

so I thought I'd just hang,
watch a little.

Please?

You know what? It's about
that time. Let's take lunch.

Long lunch, everyone!

Jimmy?
Question.

Uh, Shayne keeps
saying "aunt" Sassy.

- Where's the question?
- Shouldn't we all be on the same page?

I'm concerned about the viewers
at home. They hear aunt, "aunt,"

What's happening?

Why are you so worried
about this show?

This is not your show.

That's your show.

This show is the car that
takes you to that show.

Hey, don't hit Juna
in the face! She's the money!

Easy with the props please.

Okay, are my co-Stars
ready for lunch, huh?

- I gotta make a phone call.
- I gotta get changed.

All right, I'll meet you
there then.

I'm gonna climb everest
and freshen up.

I'm gonna run by you here.

- Is it good?
- Is this taken?

Oh yes. We're waiting for someone.

In fact, you know I think I'm gonna
call her, call Juna, see what's going on.

It's not a cast lunch unless
we have the whole cast, huh?

- Don't you think?
- Mm-Hmm.

It went straight
to voicemail.

We should've ate somewhere
organic. This is like, wow!

- That's really bad.
- I'm sorry, I thought-

I picked this place 'cause I
thought you kids might like it,

Think it's fun or- You know.
My first thought was to go to the ivy.

- Oh, I love the ivy.
- Do you?

- Oh, I practically have
my own table there.

You know that scene
with the paintball gun?

- The one where "aunt" Sassy comes in?
- I love that scene.

- I mean hat scene is so funny!
- Don't you think it'd be funny of you jumped on my back?

- At the end?
- Oh yeah, that'd be so funny.

Done, done.

That'll be perfect.
Perfect.

Chris, could you just be aware of where
your body is in time and space,

'Cause you just
threw me onto the-

- You've been holding
this stool for an hour.

- Yeah, 'cause we're waiting for our friend.
- I don't think she's coming.

You can't just hold a stool,
man, it's lunchtime.

Fine, fine, okay.
Let's just-

You know what- Ow!
That's my foot.

- You're on my foot.
- Sorry.

That's all right.
Jane?

You know what?
I think I'm just gonna go.

I have to pick up
something at tiffany.

Hey, can I get you to sign
a release real quick?

- Sure.
- Don't you want to know what it's for?

Oh, right.
What's it for?

"The comeback",
Valerie Cherish.

"The comeback,"
what what?

You are a class act, red.

Well, first show, gotta make
a fuss, you know.

It turned out good.
Hi!

Um, I need to get six of these cute
pattern keys that you have.

- So...
- Which one?

Oh, it's for six different people so
I need six different ones.

So, uh... I'm going to match the key
with the personality type.

Who's better than you?

Okay, I think this crazy
swirly-Color one for chris.

- Mm-Hmm.
- Right?

And... oh, the tiger stripe for Jesse.

- Yeah, he seems like a tiger, right?
- Definitely.

Wild, exotic...

Ready to pounce.

And, uh...

Shayne did all those disney shows,

so I think these cute
teddy bears for her.

Okay, probably calls them "taddy" bears.

Uh... oh definitely
the clouds for Juna.

- You know, airy, ethereal.
- Invisible.

- Mick, can't go there.
- It's rude! You held that stool.

- Oh, the yankees for Tom!
- Oh!

- 'Cause he always has that hat.
- Mm-Hmm.

And... and for Paulie G...

Doou- Do you have one
with little chainsaws on it?

No.

I was kidding.
That was a joke.

You know what, the gold-
Gold for his emmy.

Okay, can I have the key?

Oh, I don't need a real key.
It's just for decoration.

- So...
- You need a key to make a key.

You know it really doesn't look
like a key until you cut it.

Well, I'm not gonna-
I can't give you one of my keys.

Here, use my key from my
storage unit in the valley.

- I haven't been there in years.
- Great, thanks! Okay, there you go.

I should probably throw all that stuff out,

But as soon as I do, I know someone's
gonna need a mirrored disco ball.

Could you talk about the fact

that Juna didn't
show up for lunch?

- Whenever you're ready.
- Sure, yeah.

okay.

Jane, I'm sorry.
Um...

I'm confused.

I thought we were going to be talking
about my feelings about the first show.

- We will.
- Oh good, okay.

People will be wondering about it
so it will just be good to have.

I mean, we'll need it if they want
to make the episode about that.

Why would they need
to make the episode about that?

No, it would just be something
that would be good to have.

Who are they, then?

- Oh, the editors.
- I see.

Okay.

So could you talk about it?

Well- Look-

Jane, if I talk about it,
then it gives the idea that,

you know,
I was hurt by it.

Fine.

Yeah, good, yeah.
I'd rather not.

All right, you guys are great!
This is a nice pumped audience.

- Give yourselves a round of applause.
- Oh my god, Val, hi!

- Hi.
- I was just on my way up to your room.

Um, I was wondering if I could make up to you
for yesterday by taking you to lunch at the ivy?

- Just us, girls' lunch.
- Juna, I would love that.

- Great.
- Listen, I have a starting show gift-

- Oooh! - First show gift- Not
just 'cause you apologized either.

- Okay.
- Okay, have a good first show.

Thanks, you too.

- Looking for me?
- Yes, I am!

- I have a first show gift for you.
- Oh my god!

- Tiffany?
- Well...

Tiffany- It's so cool.
Aw...

Key- Keychain.

Aunt Sassy's condo, got it
for all of aunt Sassy's tenants.

Keychain from aunt Sassy.

Oh no, it doesn't- It's not-
That's not the right key.

- Oh, it broke off.
- Yeah.

Um, 'cause that key was
for mickey's storage unit in the valley.

So... you know what?

Sorry I can't stay
and help you figure this out.

'Cause the show's 10 minutes away and
I've still got 20 minutes of hair to do.

So, sorry. Get someone else
to help you with that.

Oh tom! Tom, I have a start gift
for you and paulie g.

Oh great, great! You can just
put it in our room.

- It's right at the end of the hall.
- The one with the bathroom.

I know which one it is.

The excitement-
First show!

Like a tiffany elf-

Fuck!

What the fuck are you doing in here?

I was just leaving you
a first show gift.

It's a keychain from Tiffany. Sorry!

He shouldn't use it.

I should tell him.
Don't use the key!

'Cause it'll- The- It could
break the lock 'cause it isn't-

- Get out of here!
- All right.

Okay...

I can't believe what just happened.

Jane, good luck getting whoever
that was to sign a release.

- It's show time!
- Yes, it is.

Can I get you another ice tea?

- Uh, no thanks.
- Are you sure you don't want to order?

I- I'm- Gonna wait
a little longer.

Yeah.

40 minutes late.

I don't think she's coming.

Again.

Jane, do you want to sit
and have lunch with me?

- Oh, I can't, I'm working.
- Yeah, no.

I'm just gonna wait
a little longer then.

Oh Val, I am so sorry!
I was waiting at the ivy.

I left you a message.
I told you to meet me here.

I couldn't- We couldn't
get a table at the ivy.

- So-
- I just checked my messages now.

- Just now.
- I'm so lame.

Wow, an actress who doesn't check
her messages every 15 minutes!

All right, call "ripley's
believe it or not. "

I know. I mean, I'm not
really an actress.

This is my first
acting gig ever, so-

This is your first acting gig, really?

I mean, can't you tell? I feel like sometimes
I'm gonna get fired, I swear.

Hi, I am so sorry
that I kept you waiting.

No problem.
Something to drink?

Um, I'll have whatever
my friend's having.

Thank you.

Wow.
Didn't- Didn't know.

- Listen, baby girl?
- Mm-Hmm?

You obviously don't know
this business yet, but I do.

All right, so I'm gonna
help you out.

- Okay.
- You and I are about to get swept up

into a whole lot of success.

But with that comes
a whole lot of ugly.

You know? 'Cause everything
we say, everything we do

- is being watched.
- Right, the cameras.

Oh no, tabloids!

- Oh.
- Oh yeah.

And they are gonna come gunning for us.
We're the money.

You know? So let's avoid who
stood up who at what restaurant.

- You know? 'Cause that's what sells papers.
- Yeah.

- Right.
- So let's- Let's make a "pack",

here and now, you and I,

that we are going to watch
out for each other.

Oh, god, Val, I am so happy
to hear you say that.

- Aw.
- Because sometimes I just feel like I need someone

- to help me out when I'm-
- Sorry, put a pin in that,

'Cause here we go.

- Here it comes.
- What, who?

A photographer. He's been trying to get
my attention for a while.

- Juna! Can I get a shot, Juna?
- Oh god.

- I'm so sorry about this.
- How does he even know who you are?

Um, I have a rock band
and we're sort of known in L. A.

- Oh, yeah.
- Thank you but we're having lunch right now.

- I'm sorry.
- Juna, come on, come on.

Just give me one.
Gimme one.

- Oh god, I'm sorry.
- You know, let's just give him one

- Or he'll never leave us alone.
- Okay.

Wait one- Wait.

It's been 15 minutes,
so where could it be?

- You know?
- He's coming.

This is ridiculous.
I can't just be standing here.

You know, 'cause...

* oh, mama dear, we're not the fortunate ones *

* and girls, they want to have fun... *

- This makes you look bad.
- Excuse me.

They were definitely here after me. Yeah.

Sorry, it's just, you know-
I've been waiting since

you were eating your salad,
you know?

I know. No, it's not your fault.

* the phone rings in the middle of the night... *

* my father yells... *

You know maybe the key was mistagged.

Can I just have a look,
'cause it could be in there?

* still number one, but girls they want to have fun... *

No, it's not.
Wait- Lemme just-

- No, that's not mine.
- It's coming.

Yeah, but...

- No charge.
- Really?

That's nice.

You know what? That's
really nice. Thank you...

So much.

You know? 'cause I don't-
you shouldn't be penalized.

You know, I just-

Thank you anyway.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

* girls wanna have... *

- Nice watch.
- Thank you.

* some boys take a beautiful girl *

* and hide her away from the rest of the world *

* I want to be the one to walk in the sun *

* oh girls, they wanna have fun *

* oh, girls just wanna have-
That's all they really want. *