The Comeback (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Valerie Does Another Classic Leno - full transcript

Valerie goes on Leno to slam "The Comeback" and quit on air.

What do you think, Mickey??

Dress or suit for my big return
to "The Tonight Show"??

I need to eat, red.

Well, we're almost there. Can you
hold out?? We're almost at Neimans.

They've got that salad we love.

I'll try, but you know
how I am when I'm hungry.

I'm severely hypoglycemic.

Well, all right now, but, Mickey,
don't think about it.

Let's talk about something else.

I got your invitation
to your "Comeback" party??

- Very fancy.
- Yeah. I'm tenting the whole yard.

It's a chocolate fountain party theme.

- Fun?!
- Yeah. Well...

It's not every day
your series debuts. So...

Jane, did you get your invitation??

Yeah. How'd you
get my address??

It wasn't easy. I had
to make four calls.

I wanted you to get your own
personal invite, you know.

Not from star to producer,
but from Valerie to Jane.

You know, I just feel like we've gotten
really close over these past 20 weeks.

Don't you, Jane??


Yeah, me too.

Could you keep your eyes
on the road??

Oh, no, yeah. No, I am. I am.

I'm not going to make it to Neimans.

Everything's starting to swirl.

All right, well, let's find a 7-11
and get you a bag of nuts or something.

Can you talk about your feelings
about "The Comeback" premiere??

Well, I'm beside myself with...

I'm sorry, Don.
I'm gonna wait for Jane.

Okay. I'm sure you're
very competent,

but it just doesn't feel the same.

She wanted us to start without her.

Did she??
Well, I'm gonna wait.

Thank you, I'm gonna wait. Mickey??

Fix me up.

How am I supposed
to open up to a man

who shows up
today out of nowhere??

Jeff?? He's here every time
we do a studio interview.

Well... I don't know how I'm supposed
to know who anyone is with these lights

shining in my eyes.

- I can't tell.
- There's Jane.

I'm here. Sorry I'm late.

I got held up doing
another interview.

- Did you??
- Yeah.

Well, why would you schedule another
interview the same time as mine??

It was the only time he'd give us.

He?? Who's he??

Paulie G.

You interviewed Paulie G??

- Why?? Why would you??
- Jason Silver wanted it.

And he agreed??

They are lawyers involved.

So... so now??

Now is when they decide to
force him to talk about me??

Now, after I punched him??

And you brought him
during a hiatus week.

I'm sure he was
thrilled about that.

So what?? Did he trash me??
Did he say bad things??

Yeah, well, that's fine.

I was trying to take
the high road here

by not saying what I really
think about him, but...

I need to go on the record.

Okay?? I'm gonna go
on the record now.

I have tried everything
I could to be nice to him,

but Paulie G.
has got it out for me.

From the first minute he saw me
he has been nothing but hurtful.

He is abusive. He is threatening.
He's a monster.

And I hate to say that
about anyone, I really do,

but he leaves me no choice.

He has a problem

with actresses
or success or something.

Maybe he has a problem with a woman
that he doesn't want to have sex with.

I don't know, I'm not a therapist.

All I know is that
after months and months

of personal attacks,
yes, I hit him.

But only after he made a very
painful remark about my scoliosis.

And yes, I'm ashamed
of what I did, I am.

But after everything
he did to me he had it coming.

Anything else??

I gave him a first show
gift from Tiffany

and he never even acknowledged
that he received it.

There, yeah, I'm done.
I'm done, Jane.



Yeah. How was that, Mickey??

Are you sure that was wise??

Well, yeah.
Let's fight fire with fire.

But we did have one night where,
I don't know if you know this,

but lions have sex
for like 10, 12 hours straight.

- Tell me about it.
- No, I swear to God.

Yeah, I know, so, they...

- Billy.
- Yeah.

- Billy, this is going over.
- Wait.

There's not gonna be enough
time for another guest.

Well, Val, let's just
wait and see.

I've made a big decision, red.

I'm bringing Robert
to your chocolate fountain party.

That's great, Mickey. Yeah.

Who's Robert??

My lover.

I'm using your "Comeback" party
as my "come out" party.

And all these years I've never
brought him to a work function

- and I think it's about time...
- Mickey, put a pin in that.

Billy, she keeps trying
to wrap it up and he keeps going.


Hi. It looks like
we're going long.

- Oh, no.
- No way, Zoe, no, you can't go long.

I mean she's here to plug The Comeback
and it premieres tomorrow night.

Yeah, I'm plugging "The Comeback"
and it premieres tomorrow night.

I know, and we feel awful.

So, we're gonna make Valerie Jay's
first guest the night after it airs.

The night after??

Yes, everyone will be all buzzed
from having seen the show

and you can talk
about the reaction.

And then Jay will have
a lot more to say. And...

it'll be great.

Not as great as tonight. You know...

I'm sorry.

No, I understand. I get it.

Yeah, what can you do??

You can't go out there and grab
a movie star off the couch by her hair.


You know, so...
Thanks, darling. Appreciate it.

Okay, good. Awesome.

- Then, I'll see you then.
- Yeah, thanks, Zoe.

Well, first guest.

- That's something.
- Right.

- Right??
- That's good.

Couldn't have worked out better??

I got to rest.
I had my bath, you know.

I need all those things to happen,
it seems. You know.

Just, that's the truth,
you know??

Well, I better run home
and change.

- You're beautiful, red.
- Thank you.

Back in a flash
with Robert, my lover.

That's right.

That's right.
Oh, did you get that??

That looks so good.

I need to wire you.


Oh, no.

No?! No smoking in the house.

Not inside. Not inside.

Why don't you go
put that out right now??

- You want to hold on to this??
- Well...

I don't...

Jane?? Jane??

Hi, I'm standing in for Jane.

Jeff from the studio.

Oh, yeah. No, I knew that.
Yeah, sure.

Where is Jane??

She wasn't feeling well.
She had to go home.

Oh, no. Well, what's wrong with her??
What is it??

I have no idea.
She just called me to cover.

Okay, well, Jeff, listen,

Jane and I don't like
that sound guy.

All right, he creeps us out.

I didn't know. We needed
extra help tonight, so...

Yeah, no, that's your right.
I know that.

But just, you know,
never again, huh??

Ever again.

And make sure he doesn't
smoke in the house.

All right?? Mark and I quit five years
ago and the smell makes us sick.

Yeah yeah.

- Miss Val, it's me.
- Oh, okay, hello.


- Great?!
- Open in and look at the camera.

That's great.
Come on in.

Don't you all look so nice??

This is... okay, this is
Esperanza's husband Carlos.

And their three girls.

Why don't you all go out and
enjoy the chocolate fountain??

- Okay, I'll be with you later.
- Yeah.

- Miss Val??
- They look so pretty.

- This is for you.
- Oh, you shouldn't have.

- Thank you?! Thank you?!
- Good luck with your Comeback show.

Why don't you go have
some fun now??

I did it?! I did it?!

- You did it yourself??
- Yes.

I was gonna do you.

I'll gonna put this away.

You can use pretzels or the grapes.
Or marshmallows.

If you don't love,
you don't have to.

There are no rules.
Have fun, that's right.

- Hi, girls.
- Hi.

you're at the wrong table, kids.

You're supposed to be at that table.
You had place cards

and everything. That's all right.
Yeah, just move over there.

Careful, don't get me
with the chocolate.

I'm glad you came.
Oh, good. Come on.

Listen, we need more
clean plates over there.

'Cause the girls sat there
by accident. Gigi, welcome.

Thanks for inviting me.
This is so fun.

You think this is fun, wait till
you see the chocolate fountain.

Oh, I see it,
but keep me away.

I just started on the zone.

Good for you?!
That's wonderful.

What was it?? The dress
ripping on the red carpet??

- Yeah.
- Yeah, well,

onward and upward?!

I haven't seen any of
the other writers here.

So what happened?? Big bad
wolf wouldn't let them come??

I don't... I'm not...

- Oh, there's Eddie?!
- Hi, Val.

- Hi, Eddie.
- Thanks for inviting us.

My pleasure.
Oh, Esperanza.

Put those down.
Put those down. Enjoy yourself.

You're a guest
at the party, not...

Peter, how is it??

Ain't nothing wrong
with chocolate, baby.

Well put.
Really going over big.

The video guy said
we're all ready to go.

Good. Tom?!
Oh, Tom, you came.

- Oh, so glad to see you.
- Hey.

- You look great. Real healthy.
- Thanks.

- This is my wife Sarah.
- Hi.

I feel like I know you.

This is silly.
Give me a hug.

Good. Good.
Pretty perfume.

Oh, thank you.
I make it myself.

It's frankincense
with a little patchouli.

Is it??

Wow, Val, you really
went all out here.

Well, it's big night.

But Tom, I'm sorry,
but I couldn't invite Paulie.

Not after the incident.

I just couldn't do it.
Did you hear what happened??

- No, we don't talk about work
- Yeah, you know...

Now's not the time
or place to get into it.

But he made an off-Color
joke about the rod in my back.

I have a rod in my back.
Metal rod.

So, I lost it. I lost it.

And he just went too far.
Just went too far.

But don't worry, it's not
gonna stop me from continuing

to give it my all at "Room & Bored. "
It won't. It won't, okay??

So don't worry.
Enjoy the chocolate.

Oh God, I love chocolate?!

Those chocolate fountains
are making a hum.

What do you want me to do??
Turn it off??

It's a chocolate fountain party?!

- You have to...
- Look who's here?!

- Robert?!
- Congratulations, Val.

- Thank you, doll.
- America, this is Robert Fanzini,

and we're lovers.

There you go.
All right.

That's done.

Listen, everyone, I have
an announcement to make?!

Stop, stop?!

Not yet?!

Now, unless you've been
living under a rock,

I have a new reality show
called "The Comeback. "


I would like to thank
everyone here

for your love and support.

And I need to give an
extra special thank you

to my husband Mark

and my producer Jane,

who is home sick tonight.

But she's with us in spirit.

And there is no talking
during the show.

Save it for the commercials,
all right??

And now, please enjoy
"The Comeback"!

And I'm on "The Tonight Show"

This is my comeback.

- That's adorable.
- Yeah, it's funny.

the land of dreams.

My name is Valerie Cherish

and I'm an actress.
10 years ago,

I starred in the hit sitcom
"I'm it. "

Mark, I'm very fond of you.

Never thought I'd work again.

- I never said that.
- What do you mean??

Mickey, you were there. I told
them I wouldn't say that, right??

I love Valerie Cherish.

- Oh baby girl?!
- I have ever since I was nine,

I used to try and stay up past
my bedtime to watch "I'm it. "

Valerie has been in
the business forever.

Forever... forever

When they told us who
else was in the show...

- I was like, "Valerie what??"
- Yeah, who's this has-been

- with'80s hair??
- Val, that was the first day?!

That's all right, Jesse.
Everyone, I'm fine with it.

Reality TV... I was expecting it.

But for the record, I always thought
I'd work again.

It's okay, Red.
We all know that.

Try not to take it personally.

Valerie's a star.

I love being in an ensemble.

That's true?!

Surround me with a great cast
and I am in sitcom heaven.

I love black.

Everyone on the set knows

I'm just wild about black.

< i>Delicious?!

I was talking about hair color?!

That's out of context.

Hey, Mickey, what's up??

And she's the perfect stepmom.


- Are you smoking??
- Not anymore.

Don't throw it in the pool?!
What's the matter with you

Is that wine??
Put your clothes on, right now?!

They take something
that happened one day

And then they place it where
it wasn't supposed to be.

Do you think they're gonna use that
thing I said about us doing coke??

What does it matter now??
You just did.

And you have to talk to your daughter

Jeff, this means stop.
Jane knows.

What do I think of Valerie Cherish??

Here it comes.

Children and those
who are weak at heart,

you might want to run
for the exit?!

Not my biggest fan here.

But don't worry.
I'm ready for this. I am.

She's a terrific comedic actress.

She's always very professional.

We're lucky to have
her on "Room & Bored".

Paulie G. has got it out for me.

From the first minute he saw me
he has been nothing but hurtful.

He is abusive.

He is threatening.
He's a monster.

Yes, I hit him.

But he had it coming.

He has a problem with actresses

or success or something.

Maybe he has a problem with a woman
he doesn't want to have sex with.

Cut the cameras?!
Get them out of here?!

That's quite enough.

Did you know that Mark
was married before??

When they got married, Franchesca
wanted nothing to do with her.

Val, you can come out.
Everybody's gone.

Come on, Val, open the door.
Let me in.

All right.
No cameras.

Just you.

- You're smoking??
- I'm upset.

Give me a drag.

- See that?? See that??
- Yes.

They made that asshole look like
the good guy and I'm the bad guy.

He's guy, Mark.
He's the bad guy.

- Give me another...
- Give me another drag.

Get your own. I stole
that sound guy's pack.

Oh, God.

I knew they would manipulate
things, I knew that.

I knew it?!

But they cut out everything?!

Everything that he's been putting
me through for months and months?!

And then they made it
the crazy actress show.

How am I gonna show
my face on "Leno"?

How am I gonna show
my face anywhere?!

At least they didn't show
the thing about us doing coke.

Not this week, Mark?!
Not this week?!

We've got 12 more weeks of...

God knows what kind of humiliations
in store for us.

And Jane's not sick.

She's not sick. She knew.
She knew.

Just always standing around,
not saying anything

with her mean spider eyes.

Yeah?! Yeah?!

- No?! No, not fair?!
- What??

That is not fair?!


How would you all like
it if I came to your house

with a camera and
snuck up on you, huh??

- They say keep filming.
- No, that's fine?!

- What are you looking for??
- My address book.


Where are you??

Spider eyes.

Okay, yeah.

Good. You want to do a reality
show, let's do a reality show?!

Let's do one?!
Come on, Jake?!

Jeff whatever the hell your name is?!
Let's go?!

- What are you doing??
- I want both cameras.

Both cameras with me
in the navigator?!

No, no, no, no. Don't do this.
You're too upset?!


Come on, everybody,
let's get in the navigator.

Come on, let's go?!


- Val?!
- Let's see how she likes it.

Guys, I need one of you
at the door?!

One of you on the door?!

- What are you doing??
- How do you like it, Jane??

- What are you feeling right now??
- Lucy, no?!

- Can you get the dog??
- Is there someone in there with you??

Who is it?? A man??
A woman?? We want to know.

- Get a camera in there.
- This is insane. Jeff, stop.

- You betrayed me?!
- I didn't edit it. They did.

I can't show my face on
"The Tonight Show" tomorrow.

I have waited 10 years
to do that?!


let's go.
Fuck them?!

Yeah, fuck them?!
That's right, fuck them.

I quit?!
You tell them I quit?!

I'm done?!

- You're an asshole, Jeff.
- It's good TV.

Keep the navigator.
Keys are inside?!

'Cause I don't need it?! I don't need
any of this?! You can tell them that.

When you tell them I quit?!
No, no?!

You know what on second thought,
don't tell them anything?!

They can watch me quit tomorrow
night on "The Tonight Show"!

All right, I'm going to tell
my friend Jay everything.

Everything you deceitful people
did to me?!

America's gonna know?!
They're gonna know.

No, that's it?!
We're done?!

Yeah. That's right?!
We're done?!

We're done?!

I don't get it.
Didn't she sign up for this??

Thank you.

Oh, you know what??
I don't need this mic pack anymore.

Here they come.

What are you doing here, Jane??
I quit?!

I have to follow you.
You're still under contract.

Fine, fine.
You can shoot me quitting?!

Shame on you, Jane.

You're lucky my lover
Robert has a sense of humor.


Oh my God, Valerie,
I saw your show last night.

That was the grossest
thing I've ever seen.

I almost threw up watching it.

My boyfriend Tivo'd it back
three times and I kept...

That's right. Let's not want
to talk about the show. Thanks.

All right then. They're gonna come in
to wire you in a few minutes.

Thank you.

"The grossest thing
I've ever seen. "

Thank you for that, Jane?!

Valerie, I'm sorry you're upset,
but people are talking about it.

You know what?? I don't want to
hear another word from you, ever.


And I need to know
I am being heard.

Am I being heard??

- You told me not to say anything.
- All right?! All right?!

How about we not upset Val
2 seconds before she goes out there??

Don't upset me two seconds
before I go out there.

Billy, do me a favor, go out and
make sure Mark's got his seat??

- Oh, yeah, of course. Break a leg.
- Thank you.

What are you going to say??

I'm going to say that...
I'm going to tell them

reality TV is humiliation TV.

That people's characters
are being destroyed

just so other people
have something to Tivo.

And then I'm gonna quit
"The Comeback. "

You sure about this, Red??

It did get you back
on "The Tonight Show. "

There's the good way to get back
on "The Tonight Show" and a bad way.

This is the bad way.

Doll, you go sit with Mark.
Make sure he's okay.

And then I'll see you after.
Thank you.

This is you.

You may remember my next guest
as the star of "I'm it. "

Enjoy this.
This is your last shot.

Please welcome Valerie
Cherish, ladies and gentlemen?!

- Have a seat.
- Yes, yes.

It's nice to see you again.
It's been a while.

- Yeah, thanks, Jay.
- I gotta tell you something.

I'm not a big fan of reality shows.

And I'll tell you something,
after last night, neither am I?!

I come into work today, everybody,
everybody is talking about.

- What happened your show last night.
- Yeah... well...

How many people saw
"The Comeback"?

That's about half.
Let's show the other half

what all the hoopla was about. Let's
put up the monitor. Check this out.

- Oh, no. Oh, god?! Okay.
- What's that??

If I could say one thing.

Sure. But first,
let's show people the clip

so they know what we're talking about.
Take a look at this. Here we go.

Last night...
Last night on the show.

Just when you think
you've seen it all

here comes the rare double vomit.

Vomit on TV?!
I mean, look...

Yeah, there you go.

That's right.
Come on, let's...

We're all adults.
We've seen vomit on TV.

But the rare double vomit?!
You never see that.

Now you're talking. Plus,
it's a giant cupcake vomiting.

That's what I call quality
television, isn't it??

I've got to say, Valerie,

let me tell you something?:

You have got a right hook,
young lady.

Look out Hillary Swank?!

You should know that it's
all taken out of context.

Hold on. I got to get ready

in case I say something
you don't like.

Now, I think I could take you.

But, just in case, I've got a little

air sickness bag here.

You like that, audience??
Look under your seats, everybody.

Check under your seats.
We have a little surprise.

There you go. Everybody
in the audience has one.

In fact, I've got gloves for you.

Try those on.
Try those on. Let's see.

- That's what I was wearing.
- There we go.

- Let's see what you've got.
- Where did you get these??

"The cupcake kid".
You think I can take her??

You wanna give it a shot??
Come on.

Hit him?! Hit him?!
Hit him?!

Valerie Cherish,
ladies and gentlemen?!

What are you feeling??

Complete this sentence,
"I am feeling blank".


Yeah, I can hold.

It's Jason Silver.

- Hey, awesome job, Val?!
- Thank you.

- Oh, you can't smoke in here.
- I'll put it out.

Oh, it's okay. All the stars do.

Just close the door. And anytime
you want to come back,

- you let us know.
- Thank you?!

Jane, the door?!

Oh, okay, here she is.
It's Jason.

Val, congratulations
on the show last night?!

People can't stop talking about it?!

The network's going to
replay it on friday at 10?:00.

They want to give this
thing a chance to catch on.

- You there??
- Yes?!

This crazy vomit thing
has pushed it over the top.

They're picking you up for
another season. How's that??


Keep up the good work.
Gotta go.


Jane, we got picked up?!

He's picking us up
for another season?!

After one episode?!


That never happens.

Never happens?!

Oh my God. Wow.
I know?!

Did you see that??

Cracked wide open.

I don't know how I'm
going to keep this up.

What am I going to
do next year?? Explode??

Oh, no, I don't...

Jane, I don't smoke.

I don't smoke on camera.

Maybe you better...

Yeah, for now.

Here she comes?!

Get higher?!
Climb up on that car?!

Thanks, darling.

Valerie, I love you?!

I love it?!

Here you go.

That was very good?!
Very good?!

Thanks, darling.

Anyone else want a picture??

That'll be a good one.

I'll look for it on Ebay.
You better not.

Thank you. Is that everybody??
Did I get everybody??