The Comeback (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Valerie Stands Out on the Red Carpet - full transcript

"Room & Bored" is nominated for a People's Choice Award, and Juna is nominated as best actress. Juna and Valerie attend the ceremony (even though they already know that R&B didn't win,) an Valerine spends the entire evening desperately trying to get the press to photograph her standing next to Juna.

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The Comeback - Season 1- Episode 11
"Valerie Stands Out On The Red Carpet"

Mark, you're snoring?!

Well, I'm sorry.

Transcript?: Raceman

Synchro?: Seth Cohen

www. forom. com

What time is it??

It's 5:15.

- Hello...
- Who is it??

who is this??

Billy?? Billy who??

Val, it's your publicist.

Oh, Christ. I thought something
happened to Franchesca.

Sorry. Billy, what
are you calling for??


We were nominated??

What?? What??!

Mark, "Room & Bored" was nominated
for a People's Choice award.

- At 5:15??
- Yeah,

that's when they broadcast
it to New York, of course.

What?? Oh, no no.
He saw it online, so...

Why is he online at 5:00??

He's a publicist, Mark. That's
where he's supposed to be.

Oh?! Okay, where's the
remote?? Where's the remote??

- No, I'm asleep?!
- This is bigger than sleep.

Where's the remote?? Put on E!.

- What channel's E!?
- 204.

Just want to see if they
announce it like they do

at the Emmys or the Golden Globes or...

Oh, all right. Never mind.
No, it's not on.

Oh, this is so exciting?!

Val, can we go back to sleep??

- I don't have to be up for two hours.
- I can't, Mark. I can't sleep.

Look, I'm up?! I'm up?!

I tell you what?: you go back to sleep.

One second, Billy. Oh,
what about best actress??

Hello hello hello, fellow nominees?!

Congratulations, one and all?!

- What??
- What are you talking about??

You don't know?? Do you
really... You don't know??

Jane, they don't know.
How great is this??

- I'm going to be the one to tell them.
- Tell us what??

"Room & Bored" has been nominated

for a People's Choice award

for favorite new TV comedy?!

- No way, are you serious??!
- Yeah?!

And Juna has been nominated

for favorite female TV star.

Can you believe it??
We're all nominated?! All of us?!

Oh, hold on, man?!
Bring it down?! Bring it down?!

You guys have been in
what, like two episodes??

Oh, interesting. Two episodes,

- and suddenly you're nominated.
- That is interesting, dude.

Is there gonna be a red carpet??

- That's what I want to know.
- Of course there gonna be a red carpet.

So we have to watch everything
we put in our mouths.

Let's not forget

- the writers?! Bravo, Gigi?!
- Oh yeah?!

Bravo, Zach.

Good work. Thank you so much.

It's cause of you.

Very good.

- Oh, speak of the devils.
- Oh, Tom?!

- What??
- Who's your daddy??

- What is all this?? What's going on??
- We got nominated, man?!

Favorite new TV comedy.

Oh, yeah yeah. Well...

Let's not get all carried away.

Oh, let's not all get carried away.

Let's not get carried away.
Are you Mr. Cool, huh?? Come here, you.

- Oh, wow.
- It's good, it's good.

- Thank you.
- Paulie G, you too.

Real good, real good.

Wow. What would you do if
it were a big award, fuck me??

Yeah, hit him, Shayne?!
That's right, hit him.

Paulie G, FYI,

People's Choice is a
big award, all right??

It's from the people.
That's the biggest honor you could get.

I should know 'cause I have one.
Did you know that?

No, I was going to say we shouldn't get
all carried away 'cause we didn't win.


No, they notify the winner to
make sure that they're there.

It's not us.

But Juna won favorite female TV star?!

- Did she??!
- Yeah.

Well that's great?! Okay, so we...

still have to go
to support Juna, right??

And celebrate our own
nomination, win or lose.

- It's still a big deal, isn't it??!
- Yeah, sure.

- Yeah, right??
- Right.

That's right. You know how many shows
never get nominated for any awards??

I don't know. Four??

Excuse me, where would I find
a Tom Peterman and a Paulie G??

Val, you didn't...

- Congratulations.
- Yeah, congratulations.

You didn't have to do...

For a second I thought, "all right,
it happened, he shot someone. "

I should put it out. You all right??

I love awards shows.

There, I said it.

I'm not one of those stars who pretends

that dressing up and
walking on the red carpet

is just a big pain in my you-know-what.

What do you say to those people who say
Hollywood has too many award shows??

I say, "where's the love??"

What awards have you won??

Well, there's the People's Choice award

which is near and dear.

That was the first one.

We're shooting.

I'm sorry, Jane.
I just have to give her a...

- Val.
- Oh, baby girl.

Thank you so much for
the gorgeous flowers.

Well, congratulations,
favorite female television star?!

Can you believe it??

My first job. It's crazy.

Well, they have good taste.

First me, now you... Passing the torch.

- Right.
- Right.

Well I should let you guys
get back to your stuff.

Thanks, Jane. Oh my god, Val.

How do you even think
with all these lights??

- Sorry. See you later, guys.
- See ya?!

I'm looking for a Valerie Cherish.

- Oh, someone's getting flowers.
- Oh, look at that.

Oh, who are those from, Mickey?!

Well, I don't know.
I'm not saying. Read the card.

Let's see. "Congratulations
from your favorite gay. "

Aw, Mickey.

Guy?! Favorite guy?! Yeah.

It says favorite, it's just bad
handwriting. It says "guy. "

Can you see that??
Can you get it?? Yeah.

I just didn't...

You have to write more
legibly, dear. Otherwise...

I don't know what you mean.

You're not on the stage, so
it is all about the red carpet.

Don't I know it.

What exactly is in that??

Organic lemon, maple
syrup and cayenne pepper.

And a special weight-loss
ingredient called

to-the-designer's dress.

- Right??
- At least have a bite of my salad, red.

Can't do it, Mickey. Can't do it.

It's called a fast because if you eat
anything the weight comes back real fast?!

I got a really hot designer
interested in doing your dress.

- Who??
- Jay McCarroll.

I'm sorry, I don't...
No, I don't know...

The winner of "project runway"??

Yeah, I don't know.

The designer reality show
I was telling you about, red.

Did you?? Well, you tell me about
so many shows it's hard for me to...

A reality show winner designing for a
reality show star, are you kidding me??

The press is all over it. They're
already calling me like crazy.

- Well, we have a problem.
- What??

Because I've already contacted Mr.
Nolan Miller about designing my dress.

Nolan "Dynasty" Miller??

Yeah. Did me for the People's
Choice awards when I won.

And I promised him he could do
me the next time I'm nominated.

No no. I mean, Nolan Miller
is great, but, you know...

Jay McCarroll's happening right now.

Mickey, what do you think??

He's very talented.

I don't know, Billy. I don't know.

I know what I look good in and
I look good in Nolan Miller.

Valerie, you're gonna be on
the red carpet next to Juna.

You gotta kick it up a notch.


- Sure, why not??
- Great.

Yeah. All right.
Let's see what he comes up.

- Great. I will handle Nolan Miller...
- Well, let's...

see what the other guy's
dress looks like first.

Oh, there's Gigi.

She hasn't got a place
to sit, poor thing.

Well, Mickey, I'm not gonna
invite her to join us.

- We're in the middle of a business meeting.
- No, it's cool. She can have my seat.

I have a meeting anyway.

Gigi, come join us.

So I'll send Jay your measurements??

No, let's hold off for three days
'cause I want to get the weight down.

Great, see you.

- Hi, thanks.
- Sit, darling.

So crazy, huh?? So crazy over there

- with the awards show business, huh??
- Huh?? Oh, right.

That macaroni and cheese looks good.

Oh, go ahead. Twist my arm.

You sure you don't want anything, red??

Excited about the big night??

I'm not allowed to go.

Only the writer-producers get a ticket.

Aw, it doesn't seem fair.


I really wanted to go.

It was the only thing
I was looking forward to.

I'm in that room with those
guys who hate me all day.

Well, I'm sure they don't hate you.

Why would they hate you??

They call me "Aunt Sassy's bitch. "


God, I can't seem to stop eating.

Have you noticed how fat I'm getting??


I haven't kissed
anybody in like, a year.

And these awards were the only fun
thing that I was looking forward to,

and now I don't even get to go.

I'm a writer on the
show that's nominated.

- It's not fair.
- Well...


I'm sorry.

Take a napkin there.
Yeah, it's all right.

I know the tickets are tight, okay??

The only way Mickey's going is 'cause
Juna's giving him her extra ticket.

Even Mickey gets to go??

Well, let's think of
something now, okay??

- Let's make a call to someone.
- No, you know what??

I already tried everything.

You did. Well,

not everything. Not everything, okay??

I've got two tickets.
You can go with me.

- Okay??
- Oh my god.

- Yeah, why not??
- Really??

Well, why not?? Come be my date.

All right?? You're a writer on the show,
you deserve to be at the awards.


Thank you so much.

Oh, my pleasure.

My pleasure. See, you
don't have to cry anymore.

- I'm sorry... I feel like an idiot.
- It's okay.

No, it's emotion.


- Hey. Where's Franchesca??
- In the car finishing a text message.

- How was your day??
- Fine.

Hello, Jane and all.

So what do you want for dinner??


Oh, that sounds good.


Oh, you know who makes a good steak??

- The palm.
- Oh great.


Mark, hope you're not too upset,
but you know that sweet girl writer??

She couldn't get tickets
to the award show,

so I gave her yours.

You're not too upset, are you??

Well, I was kind of
looking forward to going.

Really?? Really??

I thought you wouldn't want
to go and get all dressed up.

Well I've never been to an awards show.

I'm sorry.

We didn't know each other
last time you won.

Well, I'm not winning this time.

Well I know,
but I thought it might be cool.

She's fat. No one likes her.

All right. No no no, I hear you.
I hear you. I hear you.

My Marky-Mark. My love ball.

I'm sorry. There's going to be other
awards shows though, all right??

And you are going to be my date
for each and every one of them.

All right, there's the Emmys,

and the Golden Globes,


Oh. Mark...

I'd better get your dinner.

- Yes, let's get our dinner.
- Yeah.

Oh, Mickey.

Does Mr. Miller know me
or does Mr. Miller know me??

It's the one to beat, red.

Oh, okay, Fredo.

I think I'm going to need one more
fitting just before the awards.

- Oh, sure. We can do that.
- Great, okay.

- Val??
- Oh, that's Billy with the other dress.

Here it is, hot off the press.
Where is she??

- I'll take that.
- I didn't think we'd make it.

He said he didn't even have
time to put a label on the back.

It's like... oh, Val, listen?!

Don't overreact, but Jay say he went
a little sexier than we talked about,

but he thinks you can pull it off.

Oh, and he said if it all works out,

he's going to fly in from
Pennsylvania for the big event.

How great would that be, right??

The two of you guys on
the red carpet together??

I'll tell you right now,

she's very attached to the Nolan Miller.

Shut up.

Shut up?!

Oh, no. I don't...

This isn't me. Mickey??

Red, you look hot.

- Red hot?!
- I'm all hanging out though.

That's what they make
double-stick tape for.


if you do not wear that dress,
I will kill myself.

That is the dress that gets the press.

But is it me?? Is it me, Mickey??

You want a splash. That's the splash.

It's just... It seems a little tight.
I don't know.

Fredo, what do you think??

It is... It's perfect.

Just right.

Well, it's a little weird in
the back though. See that??

Oh, was in a box.

We can steam and...

Ay, miss Val.

So skinny.

Well, we are going to need a case
of that double-stick tape, huh??

Great?! Great great great.
Now listen, here's the thing.

Jay's insisting that we use
his people to do your makeup.


And hair.


I have to go home and feed the dogs.

- Mickey.
- I'm fine.

You have to do what you have to do.

Ay, Mr. Mickey.

Valerie, that dress is amazing.

- You look very pretty
- Oh, thank you.

How is my dress??
Is it too tight?? I feel...


Hello?? Yeah,
we're pulling up right now.

I don't know why I let them
talk me into smoky eyes.

Looks like I fell asleep
in my makeup. Look at that.

- Let us know.
- Billy, how's my hair??

I can't... Jane, Jane??

- Jane, how's my hair.
- Great.

Speaking of great, you really
clean up nice. Very sexy shoes.

I'm really uncomfortable.

- Pulling up to security now.
- No no no. Drive around the block again.

Juna hasn't arrived. We have to get
there the exact same time as Juna.

Real important to
coordinate these moments.

The press is going to go crazy when Juna
and I get out at the same time, so...

What?? No, she's pulling up.
No, don't drive around.

This is good. This is good.

- We're good.
- Oh, all right.

I'm lowering the windows for security.

Security, yeah.

Hello, officer. Valerie Cherish.

- You all have a nice evening.
- Thank you very much.

Gigi, why don't you slide over here
and give Valerie room to get out first??

Oh, your dress seam ripped.

What?? Where??

- There.
- Oh my god.

- Don't know the heck we can do about that.
- What should I...

- That's really bad.
- Just have to hold on to it and cover it.

- Hold it??
- We gotta move.

I just thought that you should know.

Let's go. Gotta move.

Ladies and gentlemen...

- To the left hand side.
- Oh, no, she's a nominee.

Valerie Cherish, hi.

- Hello.
- And they're all with me, so...

Okay, well, there's only nominees
allowed on the red carpet.

- You could not...
- Oh, no, this is my reality crew, so

they have to... Don't leave home
without them, you know??

Okay, hold right here.
I'm going to have to clear this.

- You have to clear it.
- Excuse me. Juna.

I'm gonna need somebody
to verify another...

- Hi, you guys?!
- Aw, baby girl?!

- Thank you.
- Aw, Mickey, looking good.

- Hello, Val.
- Oh, don't be that way.

Come on, my head's on fire from
the maniac yanking at it all day.

Oh my god, I'm so happy to see you.

I'm so freaked out.

Val, can you do
the red carpet with me??

- Yes?!
- Yes, absolutely?! Definitely?!

We need to go.

They're going to do
the red carpet together.

Great, but "Access Hollywood"
is waiting for us right now. So...

Right now?? Great?! Let's just do it.

- Yeah, then we gotta go.
- Excuse me.

- We're with them.
- You guys, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Can I get somebody to come down
here and verify another reality crew??

- You two. Guys, come on.
- Val?!

Yeah, we'll just be one second, okay??

- Don't go far?!
- No, I won't.

They're doing an
interview together, so...

- I understand. I'm sorry.
- She doesn't feel secure.

This will be settled very very quickly.

I am here with the original
Desperate Housewife,

Jane Kaczmarek from
"Malcolm in the middle. "

- I am, aren't I??
- You are?! It's great?!

So you're here as a presenter tonight.

- Yes, favorite new comedy.
- Have you seen them??

- Where's Jane??
- Actually, I haven't seen any of them.

- Neither have I. So, okay.
- I know it's here.

You're flying solo tonight.
Where's your wonderful husband??

- Bradley's home with the kids.
- Maybe she's over here.

- Oh, a night out.
- Oh, yeah.

Most important, what
we all want to know?:

who are you wearing??
The dress is spectacular.

Thank you, it's Richard Tyler.

- I love the touch of color.
- Isn't that pretty, that color in there??

Oh, it's great.

Right now, they're yelling at me to go
back to my mom. Mom, who you got??

We're out. Clear.

Um, who are these cameras??

Oh, this is "The Comeback".

- The what??
- "The Comeback" with Valerie Cherish.

We're over there. We're going.

More coverage, yes, it's fine.

- Jane, we lost you.
- We got stuck.

- I know, but we got to move.
- We got to move.

Here's what's happening. Juna's
starting with Billy Bush alone...

None of the fans recognize me.
I should have come as me.

You look amazing. Listen, Juna
is gonna start with Billy Bush alone,

- then she's gonna bring you in.
- Valerie?!

- Put a pin in that.
- Valerie?!

Yeah?! Yeah?!

Get down... hand that down, won't you??

Okay, Billy's ready.
We have to go now?!

- Okay, thanks guys?!
- We got to go.

Juna Millken. Got Millken??

Everybody's favorite milkmaid.
Look at you, you look great.

I love the dress...
almost wore the same one.

Oh really??

Great, I just saw Jay McCarroll
on the red carpet.

- Let's get that great press picture.
- Sure sure, yeah.

- Great.
- Yeah, here.

Jay?! Jay?! Hey, it's Billy Stanton.

How are you?? I wanted to introduce
you to miss Valerie Cherish.

Hello, my designer.
What do you think??

- Sexy, huh??
- Oh my god.

It's... it's backwards.

- What??
- You have the dress on backwards.

- I thought it was for the cleavage.
- No no no.

- It's now or never for "Access Hollywood. "
- Never. You know what??

Go and flip the dress around.
Flip your head around.

- I have to change it.
- Go change?!

- You weren't clear about which way?!
- The interview's now?!

Mickey, I need your help.
I need your help.

What, is your new hairstylist
not being able to...

Never mind, my dress is on backwards.
I'm backwards.

Let's find you a place to change.

- Yeah, change it.
- Excuse us.

Let's go, you guys. Hurry...

- Jane fell.
- She'll be all right.

- Fucking shoes?!
- Excuse us, folks?! Excuse us.

...Ray Romano?!

Please take your seats.

The telecast will
start in five minutes?!

Five minutes, Mickey.

- I've got five minutes.
- Please take your seats?!

Val, what took you so long??

There was a long line
at the ladies' room.

We waited to take a picture with you.

You might want to get your
publicist some grief counseling.

So you did all of it,
Joan rivers?? Nancy O'Dell??

- Yeah, it's all over.
- It's all over. I can't believe it.

You know, that does look like
the front of the dress.

I know, I know.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
from "Malcolm in the middle" Jane Kazcmarek.


I just want you to know, even though
we're not winners tonight,

to me, we're all winners.
We really are.

No we're not.

Tom, if that's the way you feel,
why did you even come??

Free hooch.

- The nominees for favorite TV comedy are...
- Can I get my HD back??

"Slice of life. "

That show isn't even
half as good as ours, man.

"Nut house. "

Gigi, they might put cameras on us.

You don't want to have
chocolate on your...

- Put it away.
- And "Room & Bored".

And the award goes to...

"Slice of life. "

- Excuse me.
- Oh, I'm sorry. I'm in the way.

- Congratulations.
- Excuse me.

Please take your seats.

- Coming up next, the award...
- Here she comes.

...for favorite female television star.

Thank you, sir.
I'm back from the restroom.

Hello?? You're in my seat.

She's talking to you.

Do I need to call an usher??

Excuse me, this seat-filler
won't stop filling my seat.

Oh, never... that's all right.

- Can you believe that??
- That was so weird.

Did he think he was going to stay
here for the rest of the show??

People will do anything to be on camera.

Please welcome from
"the George Lopez show",

George Lopez.

Thank you.

I'm here to present the award
for favorite female television star.

Okay, a word to everyone.
Be careful making your way to the stage

because there are three
different reality crews

filming three different
reality shows in the audience.

Well, there's actually four crews
if you count the one with Paris Hilton

in the men's room.

The nominees are...

Portia de Rossi,
"Arrested Development".

Debra messing, "Will and Grace".

And Juna Millken, "Room & Bored".

And the people's choice goes to...

My girl Juna Millken?!

Oh my gosh. Wow, thank you.

I want to thank the people
who voted for me, first off.

Oh my gosh.


I want to thank my agents,

my manager, my lawyer,

my parents, I love you.

Our brilliant show creators

Tom Peterman and Paulie G,

our amazing writers Zach,
Milo, Arthur and Gigi,

my fellow cast members Shayne
Thomas, Chris Macness, Jesse Wood...

Oh, wrap it up. Okay, okay, um...

Kaveen Kahan and Greg Narayan...

and especially Valerie Cherish,
without her...

I couldn't hear.
Could you hear what she said??

- No, I couldn't.
- They cut her off. They cut her off.

- The music got really loud.
- Yeah.

...29th annual people's choice
awards will be right back.

Excuse me. Valerie Cherish.

- Hi.
- Hi.

We're really backed up in there.

The fire marshal is totally holding
us to the capacity. I'm sorry.

No, that's all right. I'm a nominee,

- Of course.
- So you probably wanna...

You know what?? Right now,
I could probably sneak in you

and maybe just one member of your party.

Is this a party or "Sophie's choice"?

We got to get a picture
with Juna before she leaves.

It'll only be a short wait, I promise.

- Thank you. Yeah, thank you.
- I promise. Sure.

Nope nope.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you very much?!

Oh, here we are.

Well, hello hello hello?!


Look at this, Val,
they gave us the worst table.

I mean, it's right by the door.

Well, now, Chris, you got in the door
and that's half the battle, huh??

We are the people's choice?!
Here's to the choice of the people.

Oh, yes. The people have chosen
and the people chose crap.

Here you go, buddy. Pound that.

Great, more drinks. Great idea.

Hey, there you are.


- Yeah, here we are.
- Oh God. Val, I'm so upset

that no one heard what I said about you.

- Oh, what did you say??
- Oh I said, "especially Valerie Cherish,

because without her,
none of us would be funny. "

I just wish everyone heard that.

Well, I heard. That's
what's really important.

Yes, that's true.

Jane, did you get that?? You did.

Anyway, listen, we're going to go.
Do you want to come??

Well, just got here. Didn't really have
a chance to hang out with the gang.

- Okay.
- So... Where are you going??

Well, Kiefer Sutherland's
having a private party.

- Mm, let's do that. Yeah.
- Okay.

Okay. And for Mickey??
What about Mickey??

- He's my date, so that's fine.
- What about my date??

Oh my god. I think she's got a ride.

Aw, that's nice.

Gigi's gettin' a little
somethin' somethin'.

Yeah, okay. Mickey, let's go get
our goody bags and go, huh??


Ooh ooh?! Got to find
a phone, call Mark,

- tell him I'm going to Kiefer's, huh??
- Okay, yeah.

Oh my god?!

- It's the best day ever.
- I know and it is. It really is.

Oh, look, it's the quick way out.

Sorry, miss. Everyone
must exit out the back.

Oh, can't we just sneak out this way??

There's like a million
photographers out that way.

Well, baby girl, a rule's a rule, so...

Please, sir, please??

Well, no, we don't want
to get him in trouble. So...

Pose for a few photographers...

All you have to do is just look the
other way and we'll sneak out. Please??


- Thank you so much.
- You're going to let us...

Thank you so much.

Break that shit down?!

I don't want to be here all night.

The glamour never ends.

Ooh, careful. Watch out.

Hold it?! Hold it?!

That's a great shot?!

- Just... just look over here?!
- Okay.

Oh, wait?! Mickey, Mickey.


- Good.
- Thank you.

Lovely. Beautiful.


Let's go, girls. We've got work to do.

- Okay. Okay.
- Sorry.

Thanks a lot.

- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.

- We got it.
- Got ourselves a picture.

Oh, Mickey?? Run ahead and see
what paper he's with, okay??

Yeah, step it up, dear.
He's getting away?!

Oh, Jane.

Jane, got you a goody bag.

Here you go. I know you want it.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

Look at all this cool makeup.

Oh, yeah. You got to be
careful with that though.

Used a base from a goody bag once,

- gave me a rash for a week.
- Oh, shit.

- God.
- Yeah.

So what are you going to do with this??

I don't know, maybe
I'll give it to my parents.

Good for you.

They'll have a whole room
by the time you're done.

You know I didn't call for the car.

- Did you call to get your car??
- No, I didn't bring my purse.

Well I brought my purse,
but I can't fit my cell phone in here.

Shoot, well...

Well, maybe Mickey knows.
Do you know??

What are you guys waiting for??
Come on?!

Ow, my feet are on fucking fire.

Go?! Come on.

I saw a limo over there.

That's yours. Where's mine??

Go with us.

- You can come with us.
- I'll go with you.

- No one will care.
- I would love for you to come with us.

That would be fun.

Can you guys give me
a hand over here or what??

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