The Comeback (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

- Episode I-
"The Comeback "

Now.

This is my comeback.

All right, I'm gonna- Let me
take that again, okay?

So this is my co-

Jane? I'm sorry-

The camera keeps moving
in and out. Is that-?

It's always gonna be moving.
Just keep going.

Yeah, I know, it's just-

I didn't know if I should
wait for it to settle or-

That's right- Yeah, right.



This one's always gonna be
moving 'cause that one is stationary.

Got it. Okay.

Here we go.

This is my comeback.

- You know, i want to do another.
- Miss Val, I'm here.

Good morning, esperanza.

Here she is.

You...

Remember we talked about this...

That reality cameras
would be starting today?

Remember?

Just pretend they're not here

And just be spontaneous. Jane-?

Ahem-



I'm not going to be able to use this.

It's all rough. We're
not gonna. Use it all.

That's right.
Okay.

Just wait...

I'm sorry, dear. You know what? Just-

Okay.
Don't worry.

Just go about your day.
You know what i'm saying?

You could put it where it belongs,
everything the way it's supposed to be.

She's...

I'll fix it, dear.
That's all right.

Just go ahead.

Oh-
All the "zones" fell.

I don't know the order.

All right- No one open a diet coke,

Or we'll have
an explosion.

Okay.

I'm sorry.
She'll loosen up.

She will.
Don't worry.

Okay. Shall we start again?

Jane, do i
come in now?

- Yeah, that would be great.
- Good.

Well, this is it. This is my "it" wall.

It used to be bigger,
but then i got married

And you know, you have to share

So...

Let me show you this.

This here is my "people's choice" award

That I got for "I'm it!"
And it means a lot to me,

Because it's from the people.

So...
and right here

Is my "Leno. "
There it is.

Talk more about that.

What is there to say?

There was a monkey on
my head and he pooed.

You know? It was a real
"water cooler moment. "

You know, the whole
next day everyone was-

And you know, this was Leno's first year,

So it was a real important
show for him, too.

It was quite an appearance.
Classic.

- Can I go, babe?
- Yeah.

Oh, hello... Everybody.

Can I cross?
I have to get my-

Yeah, whatever
you need to do.

I didn't want
to ruin-

You're not gonna ruin
anything, you.

Businessman.

- Well, have fun with your show.
- We are.

- Good luck on the sitcom audition.
- Thank you.

Be good to my girl.

That's funny.

Honey, you have water
on the floor there.

I do?
Where?

Outside the powder room.
You better get that up.

I'm kind of busy
right now, so...

It's coming from the powder room.

You'd better call a plumber
to come out here.

Well, you're gonna have
to call the plumber.

I have conferences all day.
I've gotta pick up my daughter.

Mark, I have my network test today-

- Turn off the water until it's fixed.
- You're not hearing me.

I'll turn off the water until
you can get a plumber.

No, i need the water to do my haifor
my network test. Mickey's coming-

Well, I gotta go. Could you
make sure you get that up?

- You don't want the floors to warp.
- The floors will be flat.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Jane, you're not gonna
be able to use that.

No, it's great, it's great.

Actually, you don't have
to keep doing this,

Because anything we don't
need, we just edit it out.

So, don't worry about it.

Mickey's here.
I'm gonna get the door.

- Ding-Dong, avon calling.
- This is mickey. Here he is.

- What? I'm sorry.
- Ding-Dong, avon calling.

Oh!
Very good.

This is mickey.
He's funny.

I'm ready for my
close-Up, mr. De mille.

Mickey was my hairdresser on "I'm it!"

97 episodes of bliss.

And that's a lot of curling iron action.

- Right, red?
- Ouch!

And she's not kidding!

Anyway, whenever i have a big event

Or an important audition-
Like today-

Mickey is over here like a flash.

Miss Val, there is water on the floor.

- Miss val...
- I need you to call mr. Mark, okay?

Because i've gotta do my hair
for my network test.

Mickey, shall we get started?

'cause I don't wanna be late.

I don't need that.

Is this a cute sitcom?
Does it have a shot?

It's a wonderful script. It's four
sexy singles living in a condo.

It's called "room and bored. "
"B-O-R-E-D."

- Oh, that's cute.
- Isn't that funny?

Jane, this camera?
The angle feels kind of low.

- It's fine.
- Well...

What about your character?
Is she in every show?

Oh, yeah. Laney's one of the four.

She's the smart one, slightly
older, she's an architect.

- Her name's on the lease.
- I pray you get this sitcom.

Because I'm two years from retiring
and i need those health benefits.

They found two more
"questionable" melanomas,

But don't cry for me, Argentina.

Here we are! I'm sorry,
darling, just pit a pin in that.

This is the network,
my old stomping ground.

Aw, thank you,
darlin'.

Do not tell me she's up against
Marilu Henner and Kim Fields.

Surprise, surprise.

My god, valerie cherish? Who's
coming next, valerie bertinelli?

So you're here for "room and bored"?

Get is- I just got off with my agent,

Whoever gets the sitcom
has to do the reality show.

I mean, i thought
it was an option.

So these cameras
are not all for me?

Sharon? So they're shooting
three comebacks?

I'm just casting "room and bored. "

No, see whoever gets the sitcom

It's their comeback and they'll
dump all the other footage.

I mean, i'll do another sitcom,

But who is so desperate for a comeback

That they actually want cameras
to follow them around all day?

Right.

Well, I'll tell you what my issue is-

Why do they even call it "The comeback"?

You two certainly don't need a comeback.

No- All of us, you know,
where did we go?

Val, we just decided
as a courtesy to one another

We would not have
our crews filming now.

- Turn them off?
- Oh, sure. Yeah.

Listen, they're upset, so just shoot me.

Okay.
So what do we do now?

What are you gonna do, leave?

Val... your cameras are still on.

Oh, no, I told him not to get you.

- Oh.
- So, yeah, it's okay.

He- Your back's to him,
so he can't see.

Well, try using this
on network television.

You do it like that?
I do it like this.

You know what?
I'll just take my cameras

And you decide
what you're gonna do

And I'll decide
what i'm gonna- You know.

Gotta make a call to-

Hi, do you have
a room or private-

Oh- Sir,
do you-?

Okay.

Let's see- Hi.

Do you have a room or private area
where I can make-? Okay.

- Valerie?
- Yeah.

There you are.
Excuse me.

Oh, good, you've got your contract.

Yeah. I'm sorry, but that was bad
energy to be around for an audition.

And "desperate for a comeback"?
Desperate might be their issue-

Well clearly, if you say it,
it is, you know?

But this is the reality
of tv, okay?

Reality tv
is the reality of tv.

You know?
And i'm a survivor-

I'm sorry, I've got your
agent on the phone.

Oh, okay, thank you. Yeah.

Hi. Yes. Did you know I don't
have "the comeback"?

Yeah, I have to audition.

Well, what?
What is the issue?

Well, my deal's done. I thought-

Well, I just signed it,
so that's what the money is.

Everyone's lowering but me?
Everne's lowering their price?

I can't- Um-Hmm...

Yes, I know, sitcoms...
in the toilet, I know.

Listen, I don't think these other
two are gonna even read, okay?

They're just not into it like I am.

All right, so let's
just do this, then, okay?

Just cross it out
and then- Is that legal?

Um-Hmm, and then initial it?
All right.

So how much?
Ooh, that's not so bad.

That's still more than I made-
Oh yeah, go, go. Fine.

We're ready for you.
You ready for us?

Yes, i am.

I'm sorry. The executives don't want
the camera in the audition room.

Not even for one of them?

- Come on. It's a big part of this.
- Yeah... they don't care.

- Well, hello, hello, hello.
- Hello.

By the way- Brilliant, doing both
shows at the same time.

Hats off.

Well, I got it.

- Valerie?
- Yeah?

- Could you do it again?
- Sure. Was there a technical-?

No, I just think it could be a
little bigger. You know, more excited?

Can do.
Okay, ready?

Okay.
Well, i got it. I-

- I'm sorry-
- Yeah?

Just the whole comeback
is about how excited you are.

Well, i am excited.

Right but they didn't let us film them
actually telling you.

So this needs
to be the big event.

Right, okay, sure.
I got ya.

Okay.
Ready? Okay.

Well, I got it!

- And I thought-
- Could you do it again?

You know, Jane?
I'm sorry, I just-

I don't want to look like an idiot.

- And this is supposed to be reality.
- Yeah.

Well, i just think that your reality
could be more excited.

Just one more, just for safety.

Fine.
Yeah, okay.

Bigger.

- Okay, you know what, Jane?
You and I have to talk.

Can you turn the cameras off, please?

No.

Then i'm done-
With this part, okay?

'Cause I can't-
I have a table read

And, you know...

All right, all right, all right...

Well, I got it!

You can't use that, okay?
That was a crazy person

And you cannot use it.

And i need to know that I'm being heard.

Okay, okay.
We're done.

Good. Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.

Thanks.

The first table read's very exciting.

It's good that you're getting-
Is that mine?

Hi, Marky-Mark, loveball.

Um... yeah, okay.
So, we have water damage?

All right, let's not
play the blame game, okay?

Oh, no, I need water in the house.

I'm shooting a pilot, Mark.
I have to-

No, anytime after. Well, anytime after.

Okay, Mark, I have my table read
so I have to go now.

All right.
Wish me luck. Okay.

You know, he's not in the business, so...

Sometimes that's a good thing,

But sometimes, you know?
He just doesn't get it.

It's a double-edged sword.

Anyway- Do you have a boyfriend, Jane?

This isn't about me.

Oh, don't worry. You'll get one.

I'm not really looking.

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

I got distracted 'cause there's the set.

Here it is.
Wow.

This is it, everybody, Laney's condo.

My home for the next eight days-
Or eight years, huh?

Oh, this is wonderful.

- Excuse me, Valerie?
- Yes?

- Hi, i'm sorry to bother you-
- No bother.

I just wanted to say that we are
so excited to be working with you.

Oh, thanks.

I used to beg my parents to let me
stay up to watch "I'm it!"

They were like, "go to bed, you're nine. "

- I'm Juna.
- Hi, Juna. Valerie.

I'm Shayne. This is Callabra.
We're excited too.

That's so sweet, you girls.

Are you in the wet T-shirt contest scene?

- No, we're your roommates.
- Wow.

Okay everybody, take your seats
so we can get started.

- I'm gonna find my seat.
- Principals are on this side.

Wet t-Shirt girls are down there.

I am so happy for you.

Thank you-
They were supposed to be in their 30s.

- The network want a little younger.
- Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Okay, I'd like to turn this
over at this point

To two guys who I hope we're all very
sick of after five years...

Paulie G. and Tom Peterman.

All right, so they're all
making out in the condo.

I come home, see it and I say,

"Note to self- After a long day at
work, I don't want to see that!"

That's funny.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah.
The way you do it, it's funny.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

All right.

"Note to self- After a long day at
work, I don't want to see that!"

Eh- Works too.

"Note to self- After a long day at
work, I don't want to see that!"

"Note to self- After a long day at
work, I don't want to see that!"

"Note to self- After a long day at
work, I don't want to see that!"

"I don't want to see that!"

"Note to self- After a long day at
work, I don't want to see that!"

"... Don't want to see that!"

"Note to self- After a long day at
work, I don't want to see that!"

I don't want
to see that anymore.

"Note to self- After a long day at
work, I don't want to see that!"

"Note to self- After a long day at
work, I don't want to see that!"

Action!

Okay, wait. Just because I'm
kissing you

And just because I'm on top of you

Does not mean that I'm open
to a relationship.

Damn, forget the relationship.
Just open my shirt!

Okay.

"Note to self- After a long day at
work, I don't need to see that!"

Yeah, that works-
If she's their mom.

Bang-Bang.
Moving on.

Wrong set, folks.

Jimmy?

It doesn't work.

You were great, but they've got
a lot of writing to do.

- Bang-Bang. Moving on.
- Moving on, wet t-Shirt contest!

No.

So I don't get it. Why is she
living with these kids?

It doesn't make any-
Don't do that, please.

Well, this is great for
the reality show, Jane,

'Cause they can see how tv
really works, you know?

'Cause if a line doesn't get
a laugh, it's gone.

Yesterday, I heard
they might fire someone.

I mean, it's so upsetting.

No, I know. It's rough, baby girl,

but that's pilot week
for ya, okay?

It's a pressure cooker.

I got fired off "Maui 911".

Yeah, see? And then you landed
on an even better show.

They're still making changes.

- It's gonna be another hour.
Enjoy your breakfast.

Tom and Paulie G. want to see
you in the writing room.

- Right now?
- Yeah.

Let me get my script.

How old do you think she is?

How are you feeling?

Complete this sentence-
"I'm feeling 'blank'... "

Probably wanna just, you know,
run a joke by me.

You know, something dirty,
see if I'm okay with that.

And I am, you know.

If it's funny
- "If it's funny, it's money," you know.

I'm not a prude.
That other line, it didn't work.

I mean, it worked-
Just they didn't laugh.

So you know, they're probably gonna
change the blow.

You know what a "blow" is? The last line
of the scene, gets you out on a laugh.

The "blow"?
The "blow"?

- Hello, hello, hello.
- Sorry.

Why don't you go?
Yeah.

Anyone know where I can get
a camera around here?

Right?

Can we just wait until we get
cameras set on Valerie?

- All right.
- Excuse me.

- Are we ready?
- Okay, okay.

So what's up, boss? Bosses?

It isn't working.

The network thought the
four-girl thing was tired.

So we're gonna make some
changes to the script.

No one was buying you living
with these kids.

So now, it's two young girls
and two young guys

And you're the aunt who lives upstairs.

Okay, boom!

So much information, my head's
gonna explode, you know.

Okay so-
All right, so now I'm the aunt?

Um-Hmm. Aunt Sassy.

Okay, whose aunt?
Does it matter?

- Cassie's aunt.
- So Juna's not fired.

No. Oh god, everyone
thinks Juna is a star.

Oh good. Good.
Me too. Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Look, we wanted to find a way to
cement you into the show.

- Uh-huh.
- So, you're aunt Sassy

who lives upstairs and owns the building.

Okay, all right, so she owns the building

and she's an architect.
Did she design the building?

No, we dropped the architect thing.

- See-
- You did?

We want to use you whenever
we want to use you.

And if you had a job,
it'd be all sorts of chufa

About why you weren't working.

Mm-Mm, yeah.

But, you know, 'cause on "it"-

This isn't a workplace comedy.

Yeah, well, not today, but who knows
what's coming tomorrow?

Righ?

But I know what you're saying, though.

It's just on it. I worked,
but they still managed

to write me in every scene somehow.

But no, I understand. This is not
a workplace comedy. So yeah, i get it.

Okay, all right,
so, um...

I'm an aunt, still sexy, smart and...

And an aunt.

- Right.
- Yes.

- She owns the building. I mean, that too.
- Oh, right!

Okay, right. Yeah, she
owns the building.

I can relate to that.
I'm not an aunt,

but I own some apartment buildings.

- Do you, really? Oh, that's great.
- Oh yeah, yeah.

So if you need any input, you know?

I'd be happy to give you-
Okay, good.

And listen, just 'cause she's an aunt
doesn't mean she can't have dirty jokes.

You know, I'm all right with that.

- No, definitely.
- Hey, oh god,

What's funnier than a sexy, dirty aunt?
Right?

Well, you're the writers, so you'll do that.

- Great. Well, thank you so much.
- No, thank you. Thanks.

Oh, Jane, did that room smell like pot?

- Oh my god.
- Blackjack!

Hi! What the fuck?
You coming?

Okay, it's a whole new show.

Did you see that? Different character,
different-

It's all different now.
It's all good.

How are we doing in there?

Well, this can't
be right.

I mean, you know.

Oh my god, that's great!

- That's so funny!
- Isn't that great?

I don't know.

Well, there's nothing to
do there. Perfection.

Flashing

- Cool.
- Looks good.

So, Val, do you still want
to go for lunch-

Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

- I forgot about the camera.
- It's okay. Don't worry.

- Do you still want to go for lunch?
- Sure, sure.

Yeah, okay.

Do you want me to wait for you?

No, I'm going to be a minute, so go ahead.

- Oh yeah.
- Flashing.

No, you can go. We're done.

Well...

You know what?
I'll meet you there.

Okay, cool. Bye, guys.

Listen, Peter, darling?
Tom said "a hip, sexy aunt. "

The script says running suit.

Well, unless I'm running
to an old-age home, this ain't it.

Hey, how about juicy couture, you know?

It's cute colors, it's got the
drawstring. That could be good.

- It could work.
- Well, do you have a juicy ass?

What?

You're very lucky you said
that to me, okay?

'Cause if you had said it
to one of these girls

with the body-image issues-

How are they supposed
to go out there and perform

after you've destroyed them?
You know?

Make no mistakes,
at the end of the day-

You know, no more mistakes.

And I need to know that I'm being heard.

Am I being heard?

- Fine, I'll get you juicy.
- No, no.

Just take this in and make
it more flattering.

- Okay, sweetheart. Turn around.
- Thank you.

Well, tomorrow we shoot the pilot
for "room and bored,"

and...

I'm scared.

These kids, God bless them,

they're adorable, but they have
never done this before

And...

I'm feeling like I'm carrying the show.

- What are you still doing up?
- I'm just-

- I'm doing my personal video diary.
- What's wrong?

I'm- I'm feeling-

I'm feeling a lot of pressure.

Mark, can you close the door?

Jesus, I have to defecate!

I'm doing my personal video diary!

- I mean-
- All right, I'm finished.

My god, the noise!

- Have you seen this?
- Hmm?

- The water pressure's not the same.
- Mm-Hmm.

Probably got something
to do with that leak.

Probably, yeah.

Don't worry about tomorrow.

You'll be great.
You always are.

I love you.

I love you too.

- Don't stay up too late.
- I won't. I'll be right there.

Okay.

Playing the part of
Cassie, Juna Millken!

And last, before we get started,

You loved her on "I'm it,"

Playing the role of aunt Sassy,
Valerie Cherish!

Valerie Cherish,
ladies and gentlemen!

Here we go guys, here we go!

Last looks, lock 'em in!

If you've never been
to a live taping before,

You're in for a real treat!

So sit back,
laugh and here we go!

Oh wait. Just because we're kissing

and I'm on top of you does not mean that
i'm open to a relationship.

Damn, forget the relationship
just open my shirt.

Okay.

Note to self-
I don't need to see that!

- Great. Great. Moving on!
- Moving on!

Moving on, ladies and gentlemen.

Jimmy, can we do another take?

Sorry, folks. It's my fault.
A little rusty.

Ooh, wait wait wait. Change of plans.

Listen, they took out that line

"After a long day at work"
so I need that ramp up-

You know what? I got it,
darling. Let's move on.

Please, please, give me another take.

Give me another take.
Give her another take!

Give her another take!
Give her another take!

Give her another take!
Give her another take!

- Give her another take!
- And we are going again.

We're going again,
ladies and gentlemen.

That was awesome!
You're my hero.

- Did you see Valerie?
- I think she's still on set.

- Thank you.
- Get Jimmy. Follow Jimmy.

- Valerie, can I see you?
- Sure, Jimmy.

Off.

- Though here.
- Yeah.

Fuck.
Paul, go around.

That wasn't good what you did
out there with the audience.

I am so sorry. I was not
trying to get in your way.

You're the hit maker.
I wouldn't- You know.

You're not getting in my way.
You're getting in your way.

- You've gotta trust me on this.
- Jimmy, I trust you.

I trust you. It's just, look,
on "I'm it"-

You know what?
I hope this is better than "I'm it"

Because I'd like it
to get picked up.

Well now, it ran
for four years, so...

You're not hearing what i'm saying.

I'm trying to help you here.

- Do you understand?
- Yes yes.

But all I'm saying is that,

Look, I'm always looser on
the second, third take.

You know, they gave me
lots of takes on "it. "

Well, know what?
You're not it anymore.

You took a small part
and you hit it out of the park.

You can't ask for better than that.

- Have a great couple of weeks.
- Okay.

- I'll see you if it gets picked up.
- Okay.

"I don't wanna see that!"

Valerie. Valerie?

- Valerie?
- Time out.

Maybe not now.

Well, according to my agents, Juna,

No news is still good news.

Yeah, but it's been two weeks.

I'm totally going out of my mind.

Baby girl, you have got to just let go
and forget about it.

Oh, that's my call waiting.
That could be it. Hold on.

Hello?

Miss Val-
The men, Miss Val-

What men, Esperanza?
The plumbers?

- Si!
- I'm on the other line, dear.

Miss Val, they find
a big leak in the pipes.

- But they have to get to the pipes!
- Okay then, let them fix it.

- All right, I have to go now.
- No, miss Val-

- Are you there?
- Yeah, was that anyone?

- No.
- Oh wait, there's my call waiting.

- I'll call you right back.
- No, I'll hold!

It could be it.
Juna, are you there?

Jane, I can see my
reflection in her glasses.

- Could you take your glasses off?
- Yeah. Okay.

- Okay, no, you can't.
- Look out!

Yeah, Valerie, that wasn't
anyone from the show.

Oh my god, Juna!
I just had an accident!

- Keep filming.
- Seriously?

- Oh my god, are you all right?
- We're okay.

- It's a little fender-Bender.
- Should I call someone?

What the fuck's the matter with you?
You drove right into me!

I think I should hang up now.
Call if you hear anything.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Listen, I'm sorry.
It's not my fault.

Everyone's pushing at me
and this guy here-

What's the camera doing there?
What's that doing there?

We're shooting a new reality show.

- Turn the fucking camera off.
- Keep rolling.

- Okay, we're not allowed.
- Okay.

- Look, it's not my fault.
- Get out of the street!

- Miss Valerie-
- No, Esperanza, i can't.

I was in a car accident.

I was in a car accident.
I have to get my insurance information.

Oh my god!

Oh my god.

Oh no.

Who would do this?
Who would-

Who would put framed
pictures on wet carpet?

Oh, these are all ruined.

Oh.

My "Leno. "

That's water damage.

That's just the matte
that's wet, though.

Yeah.

It's my agent.
This is it.

Hello?

Yeah, I can hold.

Hi.

Really?

All right.
We got picked up.

What time?
What night? What-

Okay, no, you go. Yeah.

All right.
Thanks, doll. Yeah.

Okay.

We got picked up.

How do you like that?
We are on the fall schedule.

So how about that, huh?

All right.
Well, all right.

Oh...

It's great.
It's just great.

* I'm a survivor,
I'm not gonna give up *

* I'm not gonna stop *

* I'm gonna work harder... *

Got picked up, so I'll pick you up.

* I'm a survivor,
keep on survivin' *

* I thought I couldn't
breathe without you... *

Oh god.

Oh my god,
I should call Mark.

I didn't call Mark.

* thought that I would
fail without you *

* but I'm on top, thought it would be
over by now... *

Uh, Mark Berman, please.

Hey, Marky-Mark.

Got picked up.

Yeah, oh thank you.

Did you? Oh!

I didn't know, so I don't know
how you could know.

Oh, you have to come home.

Good luck to you.

That would be good.

Transcript:
Raceman

Synchro:
Elanouil

www. forom. com-