The Closer (2005–2012): Season 7, Episode 3 - To Serve with Love - full transcript

PROVENZA: Yes. Uh,
yeah. Uh, uh, uh-huh.

Mm-hm.

Good. Heh.

Yeah. Yeah.

[WHISPERING] Flynn.

- Flynn.
- What?

What?

How'd you like to make a
quick 2000 bucks, cash?

No, thanks. Anything that
begins with you whispering...

always ends with
other people shouting.

Flynn. Flynn. I'm telling
you, this is free money.



There's this lawyer, he
has some papers to serve...

and he just needs a couple of
great detectives to find some guy.

[SIGHS]

FLYNN: And what do we have to work with?
- Ah, well, a cell-phone number.

But we've found
people with less.

I don't know how to track
someone's cell phone. Do you?

[DOOR OPENS]

- Oh, sorry to interrupt. Night, lieutenants.
- Wait, Buzz. Wait, wait, wait.

You know...

we were just talking about you.

How would you like to
make a little extra dough?

[BEEPING]

Turn right here.

I'd really appreciate if
you'd stay in one lane.



Speed up a little. There's
a guy right behind us.

Would you relax?

For using your car and
tracking a cell phone...

we're giving you a third
of our take, 200 bucks.

Is what we're doing even legal?

Look, we're law enforcement
and we're doing it...

so that makes it legal, ha, ha.

- And the chief okayed this?
- We'll get her signature tomorrow.

Or maybe we don't even tell
her. She's got enough on her mind.

These papers that we
got from the attorney...

they say this guy's name
is Steven Hirschbaum.

Sounds familiar, huh?

VALET: Evening, sir.

Oh, there you go. Uh, just
leave it right here, would you?

- You got it.
- So, what are you, Bill Gates now?

What's $20 when
you're making, uh, 200?

Seven fifteen. Seven-one-five...

Ah, here we go.

FLYNN: Ready?

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

MAN: Who is it?
- Room service.

MAN: I didn't order
any room service.

Uh, complimentary
champagne, sir.

MAN: Oh, well, that's different.

Uh. Hey, what is this?

Steven Hirschbaum,
you've been served.

STEVEN: What?

- Think we can get that one more time?
- Yeah. Nice big smile.

Uh. Oh, no, guys, uh, you
think I'm somebody else.

I'm not the guy
you're looking for.

- Tell it to the judge, huh?
- One for your scrapbook.

Oh, no, no, no, guys. Guys,
you're making a huge mistake.

Really, I got a bad
feeling about this.

Don't go. I'm scared.

FLYNN: We're out of here.

[PROVENZA AND FLYNN CHUCKLE]

PROVENZA: See how
easy that was, huh?

- Was I right or was I right?
- Okay, you were right.

Now, let's go back to the lawyer,
get our cash, and just call it a night.

Darn it. My
taillight, it's broken.

I didn't do that.

You could've. You were
driving like a crazy person.

My insurance isn't gonna cover
this because my deductible's $1000.

You know what?
I'm documenting this.

[GUNSHOTS]

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[THUDS]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

What the...?

It's him. Hirschbaum
committed suicide.

Suicide? Are you kidding? He's
got gunshot wounds in his back.

- Oh, my God. My car.
- Oh, relax, Buzz.

I know an amazing guy in
Koreatown. He'll buff this right out.

Flynn. Flynn, no, no,
no. You can't call this in.

Nobody knows we're here.

- There's a dead man on my car.
- Well, we didn't put him there.

Oh, all right, all right.
Call Gabriel and the guys.

But there's no need to bother
the chief. This is totally containable.

[POLICE SIREN WAILING]

FLYNN: What do you
want us to do, Gabriel?

We're off duty and
don't have our guns.

GABRIEL: He fell from
up there down to here?

Yeah, back dive
and a half twist.

And would you believe the
Russian judge only gave him an 8.5?

PROVENZA: Gabriel, Gabriel.
Look, I know what you're thinking.

Uh, what is a murder victim doing
on Buzz's car in the first place?

Well, simple.

We were taking Buzz to
dinner like we do every week.

Then, out of nowhere, there were
shots. Thank God the car was here.

Can you imagine if he'd
landed on the pavement?

Or on us. I mean,
we could all be dead.

No guns, but I got three casings,
a subpoena, a cell phone...

and an ID belonging
to a Steven Hirschbaum.

So you don't know the victim...

and the first time you saw him
is when he landed on Buzz's car?

SANCHEZ: Hey,
guys, check this out.

Oh.

FLYNN: Oh.

- I guess we did see him before.
- Who's gonna call the chief?

No one. Nobody's gonna call the chief.
She does not need to know about this.

FRITZ: I'm not so sure
about that. FLYNN: Oh.

Can someone please explain
how Steven Hirschbaum...

a guy convicted in a
massive federal fraud trial...

ends up dead on Buzz's car
five days before his sentencing?

Agent Howard. Fritz. Fritzy.

Now, tell me.

What can we do to keep
this just between ourselves?

FRITZ: Your victim burned
through corporate cash...

like it was Monopoly money.

Then moved company pension funds
to offshore accounts we haven't found.

Steven Hirschbaum.

Uh, we thought that
name was familiar. Chief...

No. I do not wanna talk
to you now, lieutenant.

In addition to, uh, criminal penalties,
isn't there some civil suit against him?

Former employees and investors
are trying to recover whatever's there.

The whole thing was a mess.
Probably just got a lot worse.

Detective, will you please see if any
of the plaintiffs suing Mr. Hirschbaum...

had threatened him or had
a history of violent offenses?

Me? Chief, there's gotta be
700-plus people in this lawsuit.

Then I'd get started.

It also says here that Mr. Hirschbaum
had a wife and daughter.

FRITZ: Mm-hm.

Please make sure
they're notified, lieutenant.

- Yes, chief. BRENDA: Thank you.

Now...

how is it that you two just happened
to be directly underneath the victim...

when he plummeted to his death?

First, chief, I was wondering if I
could get your signature right here.

- Authorization for outside employment.
- Uh, yes, yes.

You see, last night I got a phone
call from a lawyer, Owen Doyle.

He's one of the attorneys
suing your victim.

FLYNN: Doyle just had a
cell number on Hirschbaum...

and he needed somebody
to serve him this subpoena.

And how did you find him
with only a cell-phone number?

Uh, we triangulated
his location...

- by using, uh, the Catfish.
- Ahem.

You don't know how to use that.

Buzz does.

With Raydor conducting a transparency
audit on this entire division...

you thought it was
a brilliant idea...

to use one of our civilian techs to
track a citizen without a warrant?

Well, I wouldn't
say "brilliant."

- You posed with him?
- Well, we had to have proof of service.

Oh, the video is
a whole lot better.

You made a video?

Well, Buzz was already there.

All right. That's it.
I've heard enough.

Detective, please find this lawyer, Doyle,
and have him brought in immediately.

FRITZ: One other thing.
As far as we know...

only the FBI knew that
Hirschbaum was at the hotel.

Either the killer also triangulated
his unlisted cell phone...

highly unlikely, or...

Are you suggesting that
we led the killer to the hotel?

That's insane.

Chief, you'll wanna take a look.

As I suspected, death was
caused by a .45-caliber bullet...

which pierced his pericardium,
instantly stopping his heart.

But the real surprise...

Well, the fact that his name
was given to me as Hirschbaum...

proved to be
something of a tip-off.

- Or not.
- He doesn't look that Jewish to me.

So I did a Live Scan
of his fingerprints...

and his actual identity came
back as Scott Esposito, age 51...

convicted of several
petty crimes. Take a look.

- So this is not Hirschbaum?
- It's an impostor.

- Do you know what this means?
- Yeah. We served the wrong guy.

And we don't get paid.

FRITZ: Surveillance
has been going on...

Chief, the lawyer who hired
Flynn and Provenza is in 1.

BRENDA: Uh, thank
you, detective. Go on.

We know it was Hirschbaum who
checked into the hotel Tuesday...

and photos confirm he was on
the balcony at 6 p.m. last night.

Now, we believe he switched
with your victim shortly after that.

- And your men didn't suspect a thing?
- I think it's fair to say...

that any two gray-haired, middle-aged
men in blue velour tracksuits...

would be difficult to
distinguish at 1000 yards.

- Tell us what else you know.
- Okay.

Scott Esposito was
a sometime-actor...

who supplemented his income
by engaging in low-level con jobs.

May I?

Ho, ho.

When you served him, did
he say anything revealing?

Well, uh, he may have said, "It's not
me. I'm not the guy you're looking for."

He also said:

"You're making a huge mistake.
Wait, don't go. I'm scared."

How were we supposed
to know what that meant?

Okay, okay, hold on, hold on.
Let me see if I've got this right.

If the killer's target was
Mr. Hirschbaum and not the decoy...

then there are hundreds of
suspects. If the decoy was the target...

then our primary suspect would
seem to be Mr. Hirschbaum himself.

GABRIEL: That makes sense to me.

Hirschbaum's a guy with a ton
of cash looking at life in prison.

So he kills his double and then he
goes off to live in some tropical paradise.

Just like Ken Lay.

- Hmm. That's funny.
- Oh, come on.

Am I the only one here that thinks that
Ken Lay's on a beach in Fiji right now?

I mean, the guy's supposed body was
cremated a minute after they found it.

- Come on.
- Get a life.

I could get another
life and kill that guy.

Conspiracy theories aside,
chief, what do we say to the press?

That Steven Hirschbaum is dead.

If he thinks that's what we
believe, he'll be easier to find.

And if the killer is
not Mr. Hirschbaum...

we don't want that
person back on the hunt.

Chief? Lawyer in 1?

I just wanna emphasize, Steven
Hirschbaum is a federal fugitive.

- Finding him is the FBI's job.
- But he's our suspect.

And once the FBI has him in
custody, you can debrief him.

Okay. Uh, Lieutenant
Tao, Detective Sanchez...

while Detective Gabriel is following
up with the aggrieved employees...

please find anyone who'd
want Mr. Esposito dead.

- What about me and Proven...?
- I'll deal with you later.

[DOOR OPENS]

Mr. Doyle, I'm Deputy
Chief Johnson...

and this is Special Agent
Fritz Howard of the FBI.

What am I supposed to do, huh?

I mean, I'm finally starting to
get somewhere, and now this?

Well, I'm sorry about
the inconvenience...

that Mr. Hirschbaum's murder
has obviously caused you.

Can you tell us where you were
last night between 8 and 9 p.m.?

The same place I am every night:

at my desk, trying to fend
off the endless motions...

that cretin's lawyers
are filing against me.

Who do you think might have
wanted to kill Steven Hirschbaum?

You have a phonebook?

How did you come to possess
Mr. Hirschbaum's private cell number?

His daughter's a plaintiff in the
civil action. She gave it to me.

- Why would she do that?
- I don't know.

Maybe because she's
a decent person...

who wanted his employees and
investors to feed their families.

I thought I could reason with him,
but the scuzzball wouldn't call me back.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Chief? I'm sorry. BRENDA: Yes?

But Hirschbaum's family
is in Chief Pope's office.

Thank you, detective.

- Mr. Doyle, excuse me.
- Excuse me.

Brenda. Brenda. I didn't wanna
contradict you in front of your team...

but I can't go along with this decision
to withhold the identity of the victim.

You prefer we alert
the killer to his mistake?

No, I prefer we not
deceive the public.

The agency has a policy against
knowingly making false statements.

The agency can just
say, "No comment."

And who's going to look like an
idiot when the truth comes out?

Chief. Agent Howard.

I'm off to brief the press
on the Hirschbaum murder.

Anything I should know?

- Just be yourself, commander.
- Right.

I can live with that.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Wife and daughter?
- Yes.

To many people, Steven Hirschbaum
may have just been a convicted felon...

but also a father and husband
to a ridiculously hot widow. Wow.

- How's that diet coming along?
- Okay. Couple pounds.

"Widow" is a little premature.
There are things you don't know.

Yeah, like where he
stowed $300 million?

And that the last people
to have seen him alive...

- may have been Flynn and Provenza.
- What?

We have it all on
videotape, filmed by Buzz.

- Why?
- They were moonlighting...

for some lawyer, serving a
subpoena to Hirschbaum in a civil suit.

Oh, my God.

And the person who fell off the
balcony? Not Steven Hirschbaum.

Not Steven...? So who
do we have in the morgue?

Some actor. Which we're not gonna tell
the press while looking for the killer.

You think it's a good idea to have
someone from the L.A.P.D. lie publicly?

Oh, I can live with that.

Good morning, ladies. I'm Deputy
Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson.

I am so sorry for your loss.

- You must be...?
- Shannon Hirschbaum.

Steven's fourth and final wife.

And I'm Andrea, his only
daughter that we know of.

I see. So your mother is...?

- Dad's first wife. Lives in Boca Raton.
- I wish you'd call me "Mom."

I'm not calling you "Mom." You
sat behind me in 8th-grade French.

You don't have to be such a total
bitch when I'm only trying to comfort you.

I can't believe Steve's dead.

Well, death isn't always
the end, Shannon.

I know how difficult it is to answer
questions at a time like this...

but can you tell me the last
time you spoke to your husband?

Tuesday afternoon.

You see, we had an argument,
and he packed some things and left.

- He say where he was going?
SHANNON: No. You see...

we had an argument, and he
packed some things and left.

You didn't know he
was going to a hotel?

No. You see, we
had an argument...

- and he packed some things and left.
- Packed some things and left.

Andrea, I understand you gave
your father's cell-phone number...

to the attorney suing him.

- What makes you say that?
- The attorney told me.

Okay.

I know that might make me look like I
had something to do with what happened...

but I was just trying
to get people talking.

[WHIMPERS]

If it's not too much trouble...

do you think one of you could get me
a copy of my dad's death certificate?

You want a copy of his
death certificate? Right now?

For the lawyers. So they
can start to put things in order.

I can't believe you gave your father's
private cell to the lawyer suing him.

Your father never even
gave me his private cell.

TAO: Great minds
think alike, chief.

If our victim, Scott Esposito...

had Hirschbaum's cell,
where's Esposito's phone?

So I found Esposito's
cell-phone number...

and sure enough, that phone is still
active and being used this morning.

- And where is that phone right now?
- Currently moving through Mid-Wilshire.

About 10 minutes ago, it
dialed a private limo service.

Lieutenants Flynn and
Provenza, here, now.

Chief, now, I know
you're a little upset, but...

There are no buts, lieutenant.

- I am suspending you both for 72 hours.
- On what grounds?

On the grounds that you
procured outside employment...

without prior authorization...

used L.A.P.D. equipment to
conduct a warrantless search...

enlisted a civilian in
your illicit activities.

- Need I go on?
- No, that's a pretty complete list.

And since Major Crimes has agreed
to leave the pursuit of Mr. Hirschbaum...

to the FBI, I would be appalled
if you, as private citizens...

tried to serve him again
by tracking a number...

that might point to his
current whereabouts.

Tell Buzz he and his Catfish
device are suspended as well.

Move along.

- Suspended?
- No, heh, Buzz.

Where are you going, Buzz?

To spend the next three
days of unpaid leave...

with anyone but the two of you.

- Excuse me.
- All right, fine.

But first we need you to
track a cell phone for us.

Are you kidding me?

That's how I got into all
this trouble in the first place.

Uh-uh, no way. Nope.

Listen, we got into that
bit of trouble last time...

because Hirschbaum had
traded phones with Esposito.

- Now, how could we have known that?
- Oh, I don't know. By being detectives?

Okay, here's what
we know for sure.

Esposito's phone
just called for a limo.

That means he's on
his way to the airport.

And the FBI is
looking for him too.

If we don't serve those papers,
we're never gonna get the money.

- You'll never get your car fixed.
- As if $200 would've taken care of that.

Oh, no, no, no. I
spoke with the lawyer.

And he's gonna cover
all your expenses...

plus make up for your
three days of lost pay.

And an extra $200.

And an extra $200.

If you'll just give us a ride to
wherever your Catfish takes us.

All right, look, Buzz. Have we made
mistakes in the past 24 hours? Yes.

Did we underestimate the
potential for fallout? Absolutely.

Did we take advantage of
your kind nature? Probably.

- Would you be wiser not to trust us...?
- Flynn!

Now, listen to me, young man.

This time, this phone
number comes from the chief.

The chief.

BUZZ: All right, Esposito's phone
is going to be in that bungalow.

And don't bump into the limo.

I still can't believe
you got me suspended.

I want my car fixed
by someone reputable.

Fine, whatever.
Now, Flynn, look.

Look, the way I figure it, if
Buzz's deductable is a grand...

we're still almost
3000 in the black.

What?

And I want a third of $4000
before repairs and expenses.

Fine, fine. Hey.

Get lost.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Yeah, yeah, I'm off duty
and I flashed my badge.

I flashed it. Sue me.

I would, but I don't want
another body landing on my car.

Yeah, your body.

- Hello? You called for a
limo? MAN: Yeah, just a minute.

- Where's the subpoena?
- I thought you had it.

- Oh, God, it's still in Evidence.
- But we just...

- Aah! PROVENZA: Take this.

[MAN AND WOMAN SCREAMING]

Police! Assassins!

[SCREAMS]

- Help! Help!
- Come here! You son of a...

[BOTH GRUNTING]

FLYNN: Calm down!

MAN: Okay. All right.
How did you find me?

We traced Esposito's cell phone.

- Cell phone? This cell phone?
- Hey.

- What the hell was that for?
- Oh, my God. Will you look at this?

It's ruined. This
is a $500 jacket.

Yeah, well, uh, take a
look at who just showed up.

Oh, you know what? I say
we turn him over to the feds...

- and be done with this douche bag.
- Hey, hey, you don't even know me.

We give him to the
feds, we're out 4 grand...

we still have to fix Buzz's car,
and we gotta buy you a new jacket.

How are we gonna get him past
the agents where we can serve him?

- We are screwed.
- Someone called for a limo?

FLYNN: Let's go.

Well, we're not gonna
get very far in this, are we?

Get in.

I'm not saying we should've
taken him to your place...

but if we're out an
extra 100 bucks...

we could've taken him to someplace
a little less disgusting, you know?

You can still see the chalk outline
from the last person who stayed here.

- Is anybody besides me getting hungry?
- No. Sit down and shut up.

Oh, it's an
uncatered kidnapping.

Boy, you guys really did not
think this through at all, did you?

I'm starting to understand why
people would want you dead...

even if you hadn't
stolen the funds.

Oh, please. Am I a lousy
businessman? Absolutely. The worst.

But I am not a criminal.

I am simply the victim of
some financial oversights...

that were somewhat
challenging to explain in court.

- Buzz.
- So this dump does have a fax machine.

There's the number,
and it's $2 a page.

That's coming out of your third.

[PHONE RINGING]

- What?
- Ah, Sanchez. Charming as always.

Uh, listen, we have Hirschbaum.
And I need you to get the...

The feds think he was kidnapped.
You guys are like real criminals.

Listen, I need you to pull the subpoena
from Evidence and fax it over to me.

Can't do it. The FBI's got all
that stuff in the conference room.

Well...

Well, then get me
the chief on the phone.

Hirschbaum's girlfriend
said the kidnappers...

were "thuggish older men"...

and that one of their grandsons
was there videotaping it...

probably to
establish proof of life.

She's sitting down
with the artist.

We should have faces
to distribute shortly.

[SNICKERS]

- Chief, uh, Taylor for you on three.
- Oh, thank you, detective.

- Yes, commander? PROVENZA
[OVER PHONE]: It's Provenza.

We have Hirschbaum.

We're five minutes from
killing him and then ourselves.

Uh, but first I need a
copy of that subpoena...

- so I can serve it to him.
- Oh, that's a shame, commander.

Would you excuse
me for a minute?

- Closed? Open?
- Closed. Thanks.

I can't get you that
subpoena, lieutenant.

And if you contact Doyle for new papers,
that's telling him Hirschbaum's alive.

My whole strategy depends
on people thinking he's dead.

Hang on.

I can't leave with Agent Howard here,
but I have questions for Hirschbaum.

My boss has some
questions for you.

Are you gonna at least
read me my rights?

Tell him I don't have
to. I'm on the phone.

She doesn't have to.
She's on the phone.

I am sitting here with
two police officers.

Tell him... Oh, for heaven's sakes,
lieutenant. Put me on speakerphone.

Yeah.

Here. Speakerphone.

Lieutenants Flynn and Provenza
are not police officers today.

- They're private citizens.
- Well, then I've been kidnapped.

Well, would you like me to
tell the FBI? They're right here.

All right, fine, I will
answer your questions.

But I have to tell you, I am finding
this whole situation extremely upsetting.

Why did you kill Scott Esposito?

What are you talking about?
I had nothing to do with that.

I think you did.

You set him up at the
hotel and then shot him.

You thought by the time we realized it
wasn't you, you'd be out of the country.

That is so not true. His ending
up dead screwed me royally.

- If you didn't kill him, who did?
- This may come as a surprise...

but right now, I am about as popular
as your average Middle Eastern dictator.

But if I had to guess, I would say it
was probably my wife, Shannon...

the nearsighted bitch.

Why would she want you dead?

Probably because she
found out about my girlfriend.

And Shannon is the only person
that knew I was at that hotel.

Lieutenant, take me
off speakerphone.

All right.

Did Buzz videotape the
abduction of Mr. Hirschbaum?

PROVENZA: Uh-huh.

- You want him to e-mail it over to you?
- Immediately.

I'm about to bring
Mr. Hirschbaum back to life.

Mm-hm.

What kind of good news?
Did you find my dad's killer?

Oh, it's so much
better than that, Andrea.

You see, it turns
out that the man...

who died last night at the
hotel wasn't even your father.

- What? Who was he?
- An imposter...

hired to throw
off the authorities.

My husband's
alive? Are you sure?

I am. In fact, I've got some
video taken of him two hours ago.

Uh, bear with me, I am
awful with this control thingy.

There.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Hello? You called for a limo?
STEVEN: Yeah. Just a minute.

That's really his voice.
That's Steven's voice. Ha, ha.

FLYNN: Oh, God.
It's still in Evidence.

Uh.

[GASPS]

What is he doing with her?

[SCREAMS]

- You know that woman?
- It's Lisa Fleming, our personal trainer.

- What were they doing together?
- Heading off to Venezuela.

Venezuela? He can't be
taking Lisa Fleming to Caracas.

- He was supposed to be taking me.
- It's "Caracas." You pronounce the R.

I liked my father more
when he was dead.

Oh, you wanted the death certificate
so you could go claim your inheritance.

Which, let's be honest, you
would probably waste on charity.

Let's be honest. You said
you didn't know about the hotel.

What else did you lie about?

I told you I liked your ugly
new haircut. You can start there.

- Where is he?
- Yeah, where? I wanna know.

I think the motel is called
Las Pulgas. Uh, let me check.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

- Yep? BRENDA [OVER
PHONE]: Lieutenant...

in between leaving here last night and
arriving at the hotel, where did you stop?

Uh, well, uh, the lawyer's
office to pick up the papers...

It's the chief.
- -and, uh, then the gas station. Why?

When did you
notice the taillight?

- Uh, when we left the hotel.
- That's what I thought.

Let's replay the events of last
night and see what happens.

- Uh, what about the wife and daughter?
ANDREA: Think you were the first bimbette?

I'm releasing them back
into the wild, lieutenant.

ANDREA: Bimbette isn't the B-word.
- Stay in touch.

- I can't believe you actually...
- Ugh.

All right, Flynn, here's the deal. Uh,
you keep an eye on numbnuts here...

and, uh, Buzz is gonna run
me over to the lawyer's office.

If this is still about
collecting the 4 grand...

I say we cut our losses
and get out of here.

We can't afford
to cut our losses.

We're in a hole that's getting
deeper and filling with water.

We need that money just
to break even. Come on.

Uh, excuse me, uh, guys. I
couldn't help but, uh, overhear.

You know, if either of you are
experiencing any financial difficulties...

- Stay out of this. Go see the lawyer.
- Hear me out.

Personally, I think it is shameful
that heroes of the public sector...

such as you gentlemen should
have to take outside jobs...

just to make ends meet.

Where are you going with this?

Look, I would never dream
of offering you a payoff.

But, um, how would you feel...

about taking an
untraceable cash gratuity...

to, uh, you know,
look the other way?

- Are you trying to bribe police officers?
- We're not police officers today, Buzz.

Just make sure that
camera stays off.

Ahem, now, how much
are we talking about exactly?

Well...

I don't know, $100,000? Each?

I could transfer the money to
an account of your choosing...

you could serve me those papers,
and you'd never hear from me again.

All I need is a disposable cell phone
and an international calling card.

You're not actually
considering this, are you?

Are you? Oh, my gosh. You are.

Gentlemen. Fritzy.

How's the Hirschbaum
investigation going?

Not so well.

In fact, it's turned into
more of an AARP manhunt.

Any chance you can identify
these disgruntled shareholders?

[GABRIEL LAUGHS]

Well, they do look familiar.

- We agreed my people were gonna...
- I suspended Flynn and Provenza.

You telling me you had no
idea they captured a fugitive?

Do we know it's Hirschbaum?

The last Hirschbaum we
found wasn't even Hirschbaum.

Look, why don't you ride along
with me, and if things go as I expect...

you'll have your fugitive,
and I'll have my killer.

Well? Coming?

Hey, don't open the
door with your foot.

[MUTTERS]

Oh.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[DOOR OPENS]

- Mr. Doyle?
- Oh, evening, lieutenant, uh.

I suppose you've come
to collect your money.

Uh, actually, no.

I, um, hate to
bother you with this...

but I'm going to need
another copy of the subpoena.

Why would you need
another copy of the subpoena?

Uh, turns out the guy we served last
night, the one that went off the balcony...

was not Steven Hirschbaum.

- Then who was he?
- Scott somebody.

A low-level crook who was
also a not-very-good actor.

Uh, anyway, I'm gonna
need some fresh papers.

I just spent the last 12
hours drafting new motions...

based on the erroneous
idea that this guy is dead.

- You people are terrible.
- Yeah, well...

- I mean, really.
- Now, look, uh.

My partner and I have Hirschbaum at
this fleabag just a few miles from here.

Just give me the subpoena,
we serve him, you pay us...

and everything's right
back on track, right?

Yeah, yeah, great,
fine. I just... I...

I need a couple of
minutes to run this off.

Honestly.

[CHUCKLES]

This is where my
taillight was broken out...

while my car was
just parked here. Why?

Why would someone do
something so senseless?

Because it makes your car
easier to follow in the dark.

Get in.

I'm never gonna let you get
away with taking that bribe.

You know that, don't you?

Yeah, well...

you have no idea what Flynn
and I could do with that money.

[CHUCKLES]

And let me tell you, the best
thing for you, young man...

is to keep your mouth
shut about all of this, huh?

Now, pull away from
here and drive slowly.

- Why?
- Oh, for goodness' sakes.

For once would you just
do it, Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes?

You have no idea how
disappointed I am in you.

[CHUCKLING]

Look, the authorities
call it "sexual tourism"...

but it's not like that's all
you do while you're there.

These women are amazing tour
guides, the beaches are fantastic...

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

PROVENZA: Flynn.

- You ready?
- Yeah. Ready Freddy.

Look, we're gonna serve you the paper,
take your picture, and then we're gone.

Good. And listen, listen.

I'm gonna act really surprised
when I open the door, okay?

- Well, that would be a nice touch.
- Yeah.

PROVENZA: All right?
- Yeah. All right, go.

All right.

STEVEN: Who is it?
- The maid.

STEVEN: Just a second.

Hey, what's going on?
You're not the maid.

Steven Hirschbaum,
consider yourself served.

Okay, that's that.
We're square, huh?

Just do us a favor. Count
to 60 before you come out.

Sixty. Got it.

Hey, guys, I just want you to know,
I'm really gonna miss the three of you.

You, with the gruff attitude.

And you, with a much bigger
heart than you let on, mister.

And you, all
wide-eyed and innocent.

I think I'm gonna
miss you most of all.

Yeah, yeah. So long, Dorothy.

Wait, I left the
Catfish in there.

Don't worry about the damn
Catfish. We'll get it later.

I'll... I'll pick it up when I come
back to get my security deposit.

Let's go.

PROVENZA: Mother of pearl.

Ugh, just drive around to the
side of the building and stop.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Eleven Mississippi,
12 Mississippi...

Nineteen Mississippi,
20 Mississippi...

Thirty-two Mississippi,
33 Mississippi...

34 Mississippi, 35
Mississippi, 36 Mississippi...

37 Mississippi...

- Drop your weapon. Drop it.
- What the...? What? Okay.

- Don't move! Don't move!
- Okay. Okay.

- I have a permit for that.
- Did it permit you to kill Scott Esposito?

Owen Doyle, you're under arrest.
You have the right to remain silent.

I might not be the best attorney
in the world, but I know my rights.

Oh, this is the
last time I hire you.

Well, as long as we get the 4
grand you owe us, who cares?

[CHUCKLES]

Fifty-eight Mississippi,
59 Mississippi and 60.

FBI. You're under arrest.

[SCREAMING]

STEVEN: No, no, no! Aah!

[GRUNTS]

No!

MAN: Hey.

[MEN GRUNTING]

[STEVEN GROANS]

Oh, God. Hey, hey. All
right. This is totally illegal.

I bribed Officers
Flynn and Provenza.

And when that comes out in court,
you are going to look ridiculous.

FLYNN: Not as ridiculous
as you're gonna look...

having punched your offshore account
numbers into this disposable cell phone.

Yes, that doesn't
make you look too good.

I really can't argue with that.

Oh, my Catfish. It's broken.

You two are personally responsible
for replacing that equipment.

And...

- good work. FLYNN:
Thank you, chief.

Yeah. Heh.

Are you the guy that tried to kill
me? What did I ever do to you?

Try returning a phone
call every now and then.

What are you
doing? Get over here.

Consider the damage
to my reputation.

Hey, you took one
for the team, okay?

Look, look. How...? How
does this make me look?

If you can't put a positive spin
on our arresting a murderer...

I gotta wonder if it might
be time for you to move on.

Uh-uh, no, no, no.

I can live with this.

Why wouldn't I think it?

You lied to me about how
much you were getting paid...

you wrecked my car,
you got me suspended...

and made me spend a day
with the worst person on Earth.

- But we didn't take a bribe.
- Yeah, and after we fix your car...

and pay for the motel
and replace Flynn's suit...

and repair the Catfish,
we'll have $600.

That's 200 bucks apiece, huh?

Okay, all right. I want you to know
that my showing up at that motel...

had nothing to do with my
planning to kill Steven Hirschbaum.

I have no idea who
shot that other guy.

Ballistics matched your gun to
the bullets taken from the victim.

- I lent that gun to a friend.
- We found the victim's blood...

on your car seat, door handle,
and on a handkerchief in your office.

I suppose all this makes
me the criminal here?

- Well, sir, you did kill somebody.
- An actor.

Okay, I will admit that there is no
excuse for not killing the right person.

I mean, that's like
failing Murder 101.

But I never intended
to kill that other guy.

Intent travels with the bullet. If
you meant to kill Mr. Hirschbaum...

the fact that you only killed Esposito
is immaterial in the eyes of the law.

- Really?
- Did you actually go to law school?

Yes, I went to law school. The
very best the Caribbean had to offer.

Which is why I can assure you
that every day Hirschbaum is alive...

is another day his victims
aren't getting their money.

Poke holes in that. Go on,
go on, poke holes. You can't.

Because everything I have done up
until now has been completely legal.

- You know, except for the murder.
- And breaking my taillight.

BRENDA: I'm not just
arresting you for murder.

I'm arresting you so your clients
can get better representation.

Okay. I know that killing an
embezzler, or even an actor...

should never have been plan
A. I never would've done this...

if it weren't for the fact
that I am totally dead broke.

- What? BRENDA: And
the money you were paying...

- to have Mr. Hirschbaum served?
- I don't have it. I never did.

And now I never will.

Oh, my gosh.

How does a job that's supposed to
net us 4 grand wind up costing 4 grand?

You call that, uh,
"Provenza-nomics"?

- It's always my fault...
FRITZ: Lieutenants.

- Chief and I were discussing the news.
- What's that?

There's a reward for information leading
to the recovery of the funds, $10,000.

- We're rich. FRITZ: Hitch is...

if you were law enforcement...

at the time of uncovering
the money, you can't collect.

Well, that's perfect,
because we were off duty.

Ah, you'll just have to explain
to Professional Standards...

why you were using police equipment
off duty to perform a warrantless search.

So that means?

You can accept the
reward and resign...

or you can decline it
and keep your jobs.

- Hey, I'm not a police officer.
- That's right, he's not.

How was he instrumental
in uncovering the funds?

- Oh, uh, well...
- I bought the phone Hirschbaum used...

to reveal his millions.

- There you go.
- That's good enough for me.

FLYNN: Hey, Buzz, wait.
We'll help you fill out that form.

You do understand
what this means, right?

- Yes. I'm rich.
- Ha, ha.

No, you're splitting
it three ways.

Fine. You can each have a
third. Two hundred dollars.

[English - US -SDH]