The Closer (2005–2012): Season 7, Episode 12 - You Have the Right to Remain Jolly - full transcript
A Christmas village Santa is killed in a zip-line accident, and the village's other Santa comes under suspicion. Meanwhile, Brenda's lawyer informs her that his retainer has run out and she needs to pay him $25,000.
Casey, don't mess
with my camera.
CASEY: Come on, Buzzy.
You're supposed to
be Mr. Holiday Spirit.
Mom said she wanted
pictures of you too.
BUZZ: Well, use
your cell phone then.
An entrance fee of
$20 per adult? Whew.
Merry Christmas, suckers.
Ugh. The North Pole
Village is such a racket.
A racket? What do you mean?
In case you haven't noticed,
everything here has a price tag on it.
Why we still come here
every Christmas, I do not know.
[GRUNTS]
BUZZ: Look. Santa is coming
in on a zip line this year...
from all the way up there.
How about that?
Aw, I miss the float.
It was old-fashioned, but
at least it was charming.
Why do you like this Santa
so much? It's ridiculous.
SANTA JACK [OVER PA]: Ladies
and gentlemen, boys and girls...
we are minutes
from Santa's arrival.
So let's gather by the
workshop for a holiday surprise.
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
As we usher in a
new season of joy...
let's put our mittens together
and give a warm, jolly welcome...
to the man of the hour...
as he flies in directly
from the North Pole.
ALL: Ten, nine, eight, seven... SANTA
RANDY: Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!
ALL: six, five... BUZZ:
Okay, Casey, smile.
- Four, three...
- No! Oh, God. No!
Two, one.
SANTA RANDY: Merry Christmas!
[LAUGHS]
[YELLING]
[SPECTATORS SCREAMING]
BUZZ: Here. Take this.
Casey, stay here.
Don't worry, boys and girls.
What's wrong?
Oh, God.
Thank you, Buzz, for
bringing me up to speed.
Nice to meet you, Casey.
- Don't let this ruin your visit.
- Thank you, Chief Johnson.
How do we know this
wasn't an accident?
L.A. City Fire Department inspected
the zip line that our victim was using.
It appears someone
tampered with the brakes.
This trolley Santa was riding...
uses two pads to create
friction necessary for stopping.
One of the pads was pried loose.
It also has a battery-powered
backup system. But no battery.
And the entire kit is rented from
a company called Zip Xperience.
Owner says they ran
trials yesterday afternoon.
Brakes were working properly.
So according to the elves...
I've been waiting to
say that my entire life.
According to the elves, our dead
Santa's name was Randy Mann.
DMV has him
residing in Humboldt.
FLYNN: And our young
St. Nick has a sheet.
Two prior arrests for cultivating
and distributing marijuana.
Oh, over there? The crying
elf? That's his wife, Lisa.
I count two crying elves.
PROVENZA: Oh, the
other one is Carmen.
Seems, uh, Santa
played the field a little.
Hey, he's not the real Santa.
Sure about that, Buzz?
What my brother means
is the guy who really runs...
this con job of a Christmas
village is Santa Jack.
After the accident, I saw him
run back into his workshop.
Okay, thank you, Casey.
I'll be back in a minute.
So, ahem, Buzzy, uh, why
don't you introduce us to Casey?
Oh, he doesn't need to.
You are Detective Sanchez,
the one who threatens people. Ha.
You are Lieutenant Tao, of course.
Oh, and that's your bag of tricks.
You are the very
sharp dressing...
- Detective Gabriel. Hello.
- Thank you.
Judging by the cynical tone in
your voice, you must be Andy Flynn.
Hi.
And that makes you the grumpy
one. Lieutenant Provenza, hello.
Grumpy? Well, when
I'm being shot at, maybe.
But the rest of the time,
I'm just a cuddly teddy bear.
- Oh, ha, ha.
- Lieutenant, Casey is afraid of bears.
Excuse us. We don't wanna
interfere with your work.
- Bye. CASEY: Bye.
SANTA JACK: This is a disaster.
BRENDA: I understand that
the zip line was a new feature...
and that you used to
enter on a holiday float?
Yeah. That burned
down to its gearbox.
No one knows how.
Sorry about the smoke. Usually
not allowed in the workshop, but I...
[COUGHS]
How did this happen? Uh...
Poor Santa Randy.
I had the whole thing
rigged up the right way.
I was supposed to go
down, land on the platform...
and go down the chimney myself.
But when I tried out
the zip line yesterday...
believe me...
Santa screamed words that no
children should ever hear. Ha, ha.
And I take my job as
role model very seriously.
- Ah. Eggnog?
- No, thanks.
I'm on duty.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
[SANTA JACK COUGHS]
Sorry, I'm having a few
very bad months here.
I run a Halloween fair
too. Haunted House.
Corn maze, pumpkin
patch. Everything.
One boy got botulism.
One boy. And the county shut
down my entire operation for a month.
Then my sleigh gave out.
- Your sleigh?
- Yeah.
Red minivan. I
call it my sleigh.
Cost over a
thousand dollars to fix.
And now Santa Randy is dead.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Were you and Randy close?
Santa Randy.
Yeah. Great kid.
He's been selling trees here
since he dropped out of college.
But, of course, he
wanted more out of life.
So being a good guy...
I sent him to Santa
School last September.
Bought him the suit...
paid for him to join the order.
- I understand Randy and his wife...
- Santa Randy.
Santa. Santa Randy and his
wife, Lisa, were having problems.
Well, yeah, after work...
there might have been a few of
what we refer to around here...
as, uh, reindeer games.
Pole dancing.
That kind of thing.
And I understand Santa Randy
was a little overly friendly...
with the elves this year.
Oh, Santa Randy.
But let me tell you, Lisa had
a very hard time adjusting...
to Randy's new station in life.
She had married a man...
Whew.
And he had become
part of a legend.
And I can tell you from
personal experience...
the role of Mrs. Claus is more
than most women can handle.
Mm. Sorry.
Some ashes there. Ha.
My fault.
Look. Santa, I need
you to come downtown...
and give a statement
about this zip line.
Well, there's absolutely
no problem there.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING OUTSIDE]
- Ugh. Excuse me. One
second. GABRIEL: Drop the bag.
CARMEN: He would
have wanted me to have it.
He was my husband, you slut.
GABRIEL: Drop the bag.
- He didn't love you anymore!
- It's all legally mine!
GABRIEL: Ladies.
LISA: Not yours!
[YELLING]
FLYNN: Girls, come on, knock it
off. GABRIEL: Ladies, come on.
Gabriel, give them a sec.
One of them might say
something incriminating.
[GABRIEL GROANS]
TAO: Elves!
Elves, please!
All right, I've had enough.
Put them all under arrest.
All right, let's go. Everybody,
let's go. Come back here.
SANCHEZ: You, come with me.
GABRIEL: You
are a very strong elf.
Okay. All right, all
right. Okay. Okay.
You... Hey!
Hey. Santa is not
gonna like this.
SANCHEZ: This is a lot
of Christmas cheer, chief.
Drugs, cash. Add in the elf sex.
Three very traditional
motives for murder.
So hard to believe someone would
use a Christmas village to sell drugs.
- People use Christmas to sell everything.
- Casey.
And that's what Santa
Jack was all about.
Casey.
We don't interrupt detectives
when they're discussing a case.
Chief, I'm very sorry.
No, no, no. It's fine. I think
your sister might have a point.
With the amount of drugs here,
we should be able to get a warrant...
for everyone who works
at the North Pole's...
- Credit reports.
GABRIEL: Mm-hm.
And make sure that you include
the victim's wife, uh, please.
Uh, see if anyone has more
money in the bank than they ought to.
- Excuse me.
- Okay.
Supposed to go to
your attorney right now.
Well, I don't know if you've heard,
but someone murdered Santa Claus.
Look, Pope pulled
Raydor off your back...
with the understanding
that you'd focus, focus...
on this federal lawsuit, which means
keeping appointments with your lawyer.
I took off work today. I can't believe
you're thinking about being late.
Yet alone not showing
up at all. What is wrong?
Hey, hey, hey.
You have the
right to remain jolly.
[SIGHS]
Ho-ho-ho. Pull it
together, we need to leave.
Okay. Uh, everyone,
look, uh, I have to go.
Santa Jack should've been here by
now. Let's find out where he's gotten to.
I need to know who else
had access to that zip line...
between the last safety
check and our accident.
Which is what we're
calling this till we sort out...
who's been naughty
and who's been nice.
Thank you.
Well, it's clear now...
Goldman only brought
the Baylor suit against you...
in the hopes of establishing a leak in
your division. He has used that leak...
to amass an impressive list of
litigants for this federal lawsuit of his.
So, Brenda...
why don't we take a little
walk down memory lane?
Which, for you, leads
through a cemetery, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
In addition to Turell Baylor...
whose death I now look back
upon with a certain fond nostalgia...
we have the very
thuggy Nick Koslov...
son of a Russian crime boss.
Who confessed to stabbing
teenage prostitutes to death.
Mm. He was murdered after
you alerted his family's attorney...
that the young Mr. Koslov was
also an informant for the FBI.
Yeah, that was not a good day.
Mm. And began a troublesome
pattern you continued with Roger Stimple.
A child molester who confessed
to murdering three little girls.
Hanged himself in jail after you
"forgot" to put him in protective custody.
Then there's Martin Vasquez...
a Mexican federale you
arrested under another name.
Coincidentally, the name of
someone Vasquez had paid...
to have murdered in jail.
Also, by complete coincidence...
Mr. Vasquez died within an
hour of landing behind bars.
BRENDA: Vasquez was a corrupt
cop responsible for homicides...
- working for the Garcia Cartel.
- And then we have Kyle.
- Shot himself in your room.
- Because he couldn't kill me.
And lastly, but not
leastly, Phillip Stroh.
What? Stroh?
- He's not dead. Is he?
- Surprisingly, no.
But your wife has been
harassing him for over two years.
And in addition to bad-mouthing
him to the authorities...
- chasing away his clients...
- Brenda.
BRENDA: People he's
defending have a right...
- to know who they're dealing with.
- In addition to all of that...
every year on May 5th...
Mr. Stroh receives a
mysterious bouquet of flowers...
from the deceased
Jessica Goodall.
A little bit creepy.
I want Stroh never
to forget what I know.
And that is that he raped and
murdered Jessica February 5th, 2008.
The night before
her 30th birthday.
If you know that, why didn't you
arrest him and try him in court?
Why are you being so mean?
I am not being mean.
I'm simply presenting a more
mild version of Goldman's case.
Respond to him the way
you responded to me...
the L.A.P.D will have to institute
costly new custodial procedures.
You could end up forking
over every penny you have...
in punitive damages.
That's all for today.
Ohh, ooh, ooh.
Before I forget.
I have a gift for
the two of you.
In the spirit of the season.
- Enjoy.
- But we didn't get you anything.
Not to worry. It's from the
firm, not from me personally.
Sorry, wait. Did you say
punitive damages against us?
I'm afraid so, yes.
And to get all the bad news
out of the way this afternoon...
my retainer is gone.
If you'd like me to
continue as your counsel...
I'll need another $25,000
by the end of the week.
Merry Christmas to you,
Mr. Scrooge. I thought he was my friend.
He is, but it's also
what he does for a living.
Yeah. You mean making money
off the troubles of innocent people.
- What did he give us? What's in the box?
- Well, it's a silver tree ornament.
Ha. With the initials
of their firm on it.
No, no, no.
Don't throw it away. I want it.
In the spirit of the season.
TAO: So here's a little
Santa schematic, chief.
The zip line was installed
yesterday at 5:30 p.m.
Four successful dry runs.
Zip Xperience signed off on
their equipment at 8:30 p.m.
Yeah, the safety agreement
has three signatures on it:
Jack McBride, otherwise
known as Santa Jack...
his niece, Donna, who
Julio is bringing up now...
and Randy Mann.
TAO: Security guards were on duty
last night until this morning at 10 a.m.
when the doors opened, leaving
the trolley and cable unattended.
Full system failure a
few seconds after noon.
Giving us two hours where nearly
anyone could have disabled the brakes.
Great. Okay, uh, any other motive
possible besides drug dealing?
Ah, yes. It seems that our, uh, victim,
Santa Randy, and his wife, Lisa...
were recently qualified
for a business loan.
Lisa has admitted they were planning
to open their own Christmas village.
Another North Pole in L.A.?
Is that really such a big deal?
Well, believe it or not, Santa
Jack's village generates lots of cash.
After paying his taxes, rent to his niece,
alimony to a couple of Mrs. Clauses...
Santa brings home
over 200,000 per year.
Chief, I have Santa's niece
Donna in Interview Room One.
Maybe she can tell us
where her uncle is hiding.
Hey, Casey.
- Come on. We're needed in Electronics.
- Okay.
Come on.
Detective Sanchez. With me.
Now, please.
Ms. McBride, I'm
Deputy Chief Johnson.
I'm so sorry about the tragedy
today at your Christmas village.
Oh, it's not my village.
Uh, Dad left the property to me,
but the village itself is my uncle's.
Technically, I'm his landlord.
He's supposed to pay a
percentage of his receipts to me...
but more often than
not, I just let him forget it.
I see. So if you're not involved,
why did you sign off as a witness...
on the safety agreement
for the zip line?
Well, as land owner, I still
need to be careful about liability.
BRENDA: So you have nothing to
do with managing the North Pole?
Oh, no.
No. I couldn't work with
the people that Jack hires.
Randy Mann? With an
arrest record like his?
So you guys knew that
Randy was a drug dealer?
Oh, yes. Uncle Jack had
to go bail him out once.
- Randy never paid him back, of course.
- And yet he sent him to Santa school.
This is gonna sound odd, but
Uncle Jack thinks that playing Santa...
gives people an opportunity
to redeem themselves.
That to embody the Christmas
spirit made one a better person.
For him, Santa
is a spiritual thing.
SANTA JACK: Jingle
bells, jingle bells.
Everybody!
[SINGING] Jingle all the way
Ho-ho-ho! Sorry I'm late.
[SLURRING] I was
home a-wassailing.
Come on, let's get some
Christmas going here.
My God, your Christmas
tree, it's completely naked.
- People, you need to deck these halls.
- Straight ahead. You can't see anything.
Hey. That's Donna.
Why is Donna on TV?
FLYNN: All right, come on, let's go.
- I know her. Why is she on television?
- Please, I'm capable of guiding myself.
- Here.
FLYNN: Here.
- Stay there. SANTA
JACK: Uh... Uh...
Ah. Hello, everyone. Ha.
My apologies for appearing,
uh, before you in dis...
Uh, in this unseemly condition.
Santa is never publicly
drunk in uniform.
It's a violation of my oath.
But I had no time to
change into Santa casual...
before your extremely rude friend
here dragged me from my humble abode.
Well, ha, ha.
Hello, young lady.
Santa Claus, at your service.
And who would you be?
Well, you don't know me?
But I sat on your lap
every Christmas for years.
I'm Casey Watson.
Oh. And who would you
like to do when you grow up?
- Hey.
- Well, I'm actually already doing it.
I'm a meteorologist at a
weather station in Seattle.
A weather girl.
So you'll tell us all about what's
it's like in Santas all over the world.
What it's like in Santas?
Yes. You know, is it
hot in Santa Barbara?
Santa Ana.
Santa Monica.
Because it's plenty
hot in here, Casey.
[DONNA SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ON MONITOR]
Oh, that voice.
What is she yammering
on about now?
BRENDA: Randy and his wife
obtained their business loan...
and were looking to open their
own Christmas village somewhere?
[DOOR OPENS]
Well, good luck in finding
undeveloped land anywhere near us.
[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]
Randy was gonna compete
with my uncle? That's horrible.
I can't believe I got so upset
when he crashed into that chimney.
This will break Jack's heart.
So Santa Randy was trying
to open up his own village?
Oh. Ho, ho! You think Santa didn't
know what was going on behind his back?
Santa has powers Randy
never even dreamed of.
You think I changed places with him
on the zip line because I was frightened?
Santa does not know fear.
Well, then,
Santa, uh, tell us...
- why didn't you do the jump yourself?
- Huh?
Well, yeah. Why did you
change the batting order, Santa?
SANTA JACK: Ah.
Santa's secret insights.
I know when people
have been bad.
So I went to Randy, I said,
"Why don't you do the zip line?
- Go down the old chimney."
- No, no, Santa. Just wait a minute.
PROVENZA: Flynn, Flynn, Flynn.
- I paid him an extra $500.
Santa Claus cannot
be taken by surprise.
Randy expected to replace me?
Well, not anymore.
DETECTIVES: Oh!
FLYNN: Santa.
GABRIEL: Santa? Santa?
FLYNN: Buzz, wanna give
us a hand? GABRIEL: Santa.
BUZZ: Hold on, hold on.
- Oh, my gosh. FLYNN: Got him?
- Get him.
- One, two, three.
Put him on Buzz's
desk. Buzz's desk.
FLYNN: Watch his
arms. GABRIEL: He reeks.
- What happened? BUZZ: My desk.
He passed out.
Down on the table.
All the way down.
[ALL GRUNT]
- What's the matter?
- I never Mirandized him.
- Why not?
- You're kidding me.
- What does that mean?
- We apparently have...
a Santa-on-Santa crime...
but can't use anything our
suspect here said to prove it.
Don't know about that. Buzz,
did you get his statement on film?
- Yes, ma'am, unfortunately, I did.
- Well, I'll take a look at it.
It could be helpful. Depending.
Depending on what?
Depending on how much
you believe in Santa Claus.
Sorry.
Why are you still here?
Well, Santa gave us
the gift of overtime.
FLYNN: We had to serve a search
warrant at his workshop, house...
and various storerooms.
In addition to the cheesiest
decorations you've ever seen...
- we found all of his business records.
TAYLOR: I thought he admitted everything.
Ahem. Yeah, well,
uh, you know...
there were some
problems with his statement.
- What kind of problems? FLYNN:
For one thing, he confessed...
before we got the chance
to read him his rights.
Why do people do that?
- Did we smash his head in?
PROVENZA: Oh, no, no, no.
That's, uh, from too
much egg nogging.
- He passed out drunk in
Electronics. POPE: Great.
Another reason everything
he said could be inadmissible.
And he also implied that
he was the real Santa Claus.
PROVENZA: Yeah. So we asked
Buzz to try and sober him up...
so he wouldn't blurt
anything else out incriminating.
The chief would like
a proper crack at him.
BUZZ: You're welcome.
Oh, uh, thank you, young man.
- Uh, would you happen to have a cigarette?
- No.
And this is a nonsmoking area.
- Even for Santa?
- Especially for Santa.
You're meant to come down
the chimney, not smoke like one.
Then, would you pull a
trash can over here, please?
[GROANS]
You know, when I was a kid...
I looked forward to
talking to you for months.
The symbol of my very
favorite time of the year.
And now, I feel you've ruined
every Christmas memory that I have.
Plus, you don't
even recognize me.
That's not true.
I recall you very well.
A very caring young
boy with a happy smile.
Why, I might even be the reason
why you work with the police now.
One year, you sat on my knee...
you looked Santa in the eye,
and you asked for a camera.
I never asked you for a camera.
Aw. Oh, well.
Sometimes I get lucky.
Ho, ho...
[VOMITS]
PROVENZA: Oh. FLYNN: Ho-ho-ho.
[SANCHEZ LAUGHS]
TAYLOR: God.
- That should sober him up a little bit.
[GROANS]
Sorry, these things
occasionally happen to Santa.
[BLOWS NOSE]
Really?
By the way, does
he have a motive?
Two, actually, sir.
Not only was the victim
about to compete with him...
- but, uh, Santa Jack has probably...
- Santa Jack?
Yes, sir. Santa Jack has probably
the best business insurance policy...
I've ever seen in my life. Being
that he has a seasonal operation...
if he's shut down,
for any reason at all...
he's guaranteed the
previous year's income.
Policy was hard to find, sir.
His financial papers were a mess.
GABRIEL: About the only
thing he did file properly...
were the letters and cards
he got from kids over the years.
Right. So why are
we all standing here?
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Oh, excuse me. Sorry.
I need to get through.
PROVENZA: Please, allow me.
GABRIEL: You can go
through. CASEY: Thank you.
GABRIEL: Yes siree.
Wow.
Who is that?
That is Buzz's sister, Casey.
She does the weather in Seattle.
She's hot, sir.
But she has opinions.
- Oh. CASEY: Oh, my.
Santa vomit. How charming.
Tell me, Buzzy.
Still believe this guy represents
the magic of Christmas?
Now, hold on a
minute, young lady.
I'll admit that my behavior the
last few hours has been disgraceful.
But I want you to know
that before this evening...
I spent my entire adult
life respecting Christmas.
And in case you've forgotten...
Where is she?
And in case you've forgotten...
I also stand for peace on
Earth and joy to the world.
Behold, even in
my darkest hour...
the power of Santa Claus
draws these jaded police officers...
to gaze on me in wonder and awe.
They know what
I represent is real.
They certainly look real.
Maybe I should show them around.
I mean, Buzz and his sister.
- While she's in town.
- Right.
You know, as chief of police, I
can take her places nobody else can.
[GABRIEL CHUCKLES]
BRENDA: Would y'all
look at yourselves?
Like a bunch of diabetics
standing in front of a candy store.
Did Santa wake up from his winter's
nap so we can all get back to work?
Guys, please? We have
important work to do here.
Come on.
Okay, Santa, time
to get up. Let's go.
- Hi, Casey.
- Hi.
Well, merry Christmas
to both of you.
And thank you, young lady,
for your healing attentions.
CASEY: Oh.
- Oh, sorry.
Probably lint from my beard.
- My fault. CASEY: Yeah.
FLYNN: Let's go, come on.
- You have the right to remain
silent. SANTA JACK: All right.
FLYNN: If you give up that right,
anything you say can and will be used...
- I hate to bother you with
this... SANTA JACK: Really?
You have the right to an
attorney. If you can't afford one...
Gavin is asking for another
$25,000 and I don't have it.
He's still charging you?
Don't worry about it.
I'll fix it.
Thank you, Will.
Thank you so much.
Okay, chief, Santa
will see you now.
Santa Jack.
When we spoke earlier today...
you said you gave up on the
zip line because it frightened you.
I keep thinking how lucky it is
the person who replaced you...
was the same guy trying to
open his own Christmas village.
But he was also the only other
qualified Santa at the North Pole.
And now that I'm sober, I really
feel bad about that accident.
Well, you know, it's funny
that you use the word accident.
Because we found
evidence that suggests...
someone tampered with
the brakes on that zip line.
Making it look less like an
accident and more like murder.
Murder?
[GROANS]
But you can't think
Santa did this?
Earlier this evening,
you implied...
Oh, no, no, wait. That
was the eggnog talking.
Listen, if I wanted
Randy dead...
I wouldn't have offed him in
front of innocent little children.
This has ruined my business.
No, actually, it hasn't.
- You're about to make out like a bandit.
- What's that?
Excuse me, sir.
GABRIEL: It's your
business insurance policy.
Thank you, detective.
GABRIEL: Covers all revenue losses
from the closure of the North Pole village.
You make more money closed
than if you had stayed open.
Hope I'm not
crowding you, Casey.
- Casey, right?
- Mm-hm.
- Chief of Police William Pope.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
My brother must have set it up
as part of the lease agreement...
when he bought me the village.
- Keeping a close eye on this case.
- Mm.
A lot of frantic
parents calling in.
I'm hoping we can keep
from spoiling Santa Claus...
- for a lot of children.
- Aw, that's wonderful.
Helping parents delay the
moment children realize...
they've been lied
to about Christmas.
That must make you very proud.
SANTA JACK: Listen, uh, do
you happen to know how much I...?
How much, uh, Santa Jack gets
paid for having to shut down like this?
This year,
approximately $600,000.
[COUGHING] Holy
frankincense and myrrh.
Hey, does it also cover what
happened to my float too?
- Wait, what happened to your float?
- Oh, it went up in flames.
Oh, burnt completely.
I barely got out of the
storage garage alive. Ugh.
You were with the float
when it caught on fire?
Well, yeah.
Truth is I get a lot
of attention now...
but the rest of the year...
I'm mostly just another
out-of-work actor in Hollywood.
And sometimes when
I'm feeling a little blue...
I dress up in my
old Santa suit...
and go hang out in my float.
Maybe have a drink or two.
Anyway, last September, I
passed out on my sleigh bench...
and when I woke up, the
entire float was in flames.
Yeah, and my, uh, best beard?
The one made entirely
of actual yak hair.
Torched.
Burned up faster than
a pair of kid's pajamas.
Oh, my God, the Halloween
fair is even paid for...
even though the Health
Department shut me down.
- Because of botulism.
- Yeah.
In one single brownie.
And it was my brownie to boot.
Little guy snatched it right
off the platter of snacks...
that Randy and I kept
in my big jack-o-lantern.
That was my name at Halloween.
Jack Lantern.
Funny, right?
Didn't something happen
to your minivan too?
Yeah.
My brakes went out just as
I was getting off the freeway.
Luckily, the light was
green at the exit ramp...
- otherwise Santa would have crashed...
- So wait, wait.
Today, the zip line.
- Yeah.
- Before that, the minivan.
And the brownie and the float.
My God.
Is this part of the
war on Christmas?
BRENDA: Either that...
or today, someone
killed the wrong Santa.
Fritzi? Hey.
You're up late.
Yeah. Yeah, something about
possibly losing everything we have...
made it hard to nod off.
So I thought I'd get
Christmas up and rolling.
How did your day go?
Um, good. Good. I'm star...
Oh!
Uh, I'm starting to think somebody really
doesn't want Santa at the North Pole.
And his niece was right. We've
been checking with realtors...
and Randy and Lisa couldn't
afford a vacant lot in Los Angeles...
much less their own
Christmas village.
Hey, Fritzi, what are you doing?
I am taking down all of
your Phillip Stroh stuff.
- What? Why?
- I am tired of looking at him.
- I'm the only person who remembers...
- Creepy, having him in our...
I live here too. I've got to get
this guy out of our guest room.
It's not good for me.
So one of us has to go.
Okay. Fine. I'll take him to
work. That's not a big deal at all.
Hey, look, look, look.
I know what Stroh did was awful.
But holding on to the past like
this, refusing to let go of the guy...
it's hurting us too.
It's making this court case
we're facing more credible.
Don't you wanna beat this thing?
Is getting Stroh worth
risking our whole future?
You're right, I'm sorry.
[SIGHS]
Sorry, I know you're right.
Sometimes I hold onto things longer
than I should. But you have to know...
there is nothing I want
more than to get rid of Gavin...
and Goldman and this
whole terrible lawsuit...
so that the future can go
back to what it used to be.
I'd be happy if our guest room
goes back to what it used to be.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, look, the future
is gonna be what it is.
In the meantime...
try not to freak out in advance.
What?
How true.
- Hmm?
- Freaking out in advance.
That's just not right.
Casey, don't mess
with my camera.
CASEY: Come on, Buzzy.
You're supposed to be Mr. Holiday
Spirit. Mom wanted pictures of you too.
Okay, uh, let's fast-forward
to the accident please.
ALL: Eight, seven, six, five...
BUZZ: Okay, Casey, smile.
ALL: four, three, two...
- Oh, no! Oh, God! No!
ALL: one!
- Okay, stop it. Right there.
Uh, let's go back to
where the woman screams.
ALL: Five, four, three...
- Oh, no! Oh, God! No!
Freeze it. There.
When Buzz first
showed me this footage...
it didn't register that the
woman started screaming...
before Santa
Randy took the leap.
And as you can see, Ms.
McBride, that woman is you.
You have the right
to remain silent.
- Anything you say...
- Wait a minute. I don't understand.
- Why are you, uh...?
- Your niece was horrified...
in advance of the accident.
PROVENZA: Which
means, Santa Jack...
that she knew Randy was
about to take the death plunge...
- that she had planned
for you. DONNA: No.
No, that's not right.
- I could never kill my Uncle Jack.
- You're probably right.
But not for lack of trying.
PROVENZA: And who else
has access to his property?
Could burn down the place where he
stores his float, fiddle with his brakes?
She doesn't know
anything about zip lines.
She knew everything she needed to
know after signing the safety agreement.
Including how the brakes worked.
And she saw you rehearsing the ride.
This is nonsense. Why
would I do such a terrible thing?
I remember you telling me Randy and
Lisa couldn't afford to buy the North Pole.
Made me wonder how
much a plot of land like that...
would cost in L.A. So
we did some research.
Two days before your
uncle's car accident...
the real estate company Brown
& Barrows offered $20 million...
for the property that you're
leasing to your uncle for life.
And Io and behold, two days
later, his minivan crashes.
One week later, Brown & Barrows
upped their offer by $1 million.
And your uncle barely escaped
burning to death on his float.
There's a pattern:
Offer, botulism.
Offer, zip line.
Listen, this is what
I'm going to do.
I'm going to arrest
you for murder...
and three counts of
attempted Santa-cide.
But in the spirit
of the season...
and since you weren't really
trying to kill Santa Randy...
I'm not going to pursue
the death penalty trial...
if you just say the magic words.
I offered you a million
dollars to give up that lease.
Christmas is not for sale.
You idiot.
- What? I'm not an idiot.
- If you didn't have to dress up...
- in that stupid suit and wave at...
- It's not a stupid...
Unh! You are not a legend.
There are hundreds of
Santas better than you.
You are the worst
actor ever! Ever!
I'll have you know, I've
won six Drama-log awards.
Oh, God.
He is a degenerate,
undeserving blowhard...
who ruined every Christmas
for me my entire life.
Because of him, I never even got
the chance to believe in Santa Claus.
Yeah, I wanted him dead.
And if I ever get the chance,
I'll try and kill him again.
Well, Merry
Christmas to you too.
POPE: Another
$25,000? Are you serious?
I know it's been a while since you
worked in the city attorney's office...
but do you recall what a public
servant like Chief Johnson is paid?
I recall it very well.
That's why I left and
got into private practice...
where, lest we forget,
people pay me for my services.
So far I have saved
the city over $500,000.
And if I'm fending off a
50-million-dollar award...
plus punitive damages
against Chief Johnson...
in what can only described...
as the biggest lawsuit of its
kind before the federal bench...
my compensation should be relative
to my expenses and my time involved.
Listen, if you are trying the
biggest lawsuit of its kind...
before the federal bench...
then you're gonna
be on television a lot...
- My public profile is part...
- I'm still talking. I'm still talking.
You could not buy the kind of
publicity that you will get from this case.
From now on, you
will be the first resort...
of any law enforcement
officer facing similar charges.
And I'm guessing your
rates will go up accordingly.
To be clear, if you are not
willing to take this pro bono...
I guarantee you
somebody else will be.
Wanna set up your
next competitor?
Be our guest.
Well, let's not draw this out.
I don't usually work for free, but I
like Brenda, I hate Peter Goldman...
and my office will
be in touch. Bye-bye.
Oh, Will.
Thank you so much
for helping me again.
No way we could
afford to pay for that.
Excuse me, I couldn't
help but overhear.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but
are you under the impression...
that Chief Pope was in
any way responsible...
- for procuring me my last retainer?
- The city didn't volunteer to pay it.
Right. And Chief Pope had
nothing to do with it either.
- He didn't?
- No.
That money came
from your husband...
out of an inheritance
he had from his parents.
I'm sorry, where were
we? Ah, yes, I remember.
Bye-bye.
BUZZ: I know you thought
he was a sham, but look at this.
Here's stuff Santa Jack
saved from kids over the years.
Thousands and thousands of
letters filed alphabetically and by date.
One in particular
stands out to me.
CASEY: Hmm.
"Dear Santa.
I am writing you because we
have had a very hard time...
since we lost my dad...
and someone stole my big
brother, Buzzy's, bicycle...
and Mom says we
can't buy a new one.
All of his friends have
bikes and he feels left out...
even though he
acts like it's okay.
We still live in the same
place we did last year.
And if there's anything left over
after the bike, I would like a pony.
I love you, Santa.
Casey Watson."
See?
Can anyone here say hallelujah
20 million times really fast? Ha, ha.
Because that's how grateful
I am for the $20 million...
Brown & Barrows has
just agreed to pay me...
for my Christmas village.
You said you'd never
give up the North Pole.
Well, that's before you guys
proved that my niece tried to kill me.
Now she needs a lawyer.
So I told her, if she signed
the land over to me...
I'd sell it and
help her hire one.
Hear, hear. Enjoy.
Uh, the reason for the season.
Ha, ha. Oh, oh.
Don't think I forgot
about you, young fella.
If it wasn't for that
camera of yours...
Donna would be planning on
murdering me again, I am sure.
So tell us, what are they
gonna build at the North Pole?
What they always build in L.A.
A temperature-controlled
shopping environment...
featuring lots of retail stores
all crammed next to each other...
and connected by an
escalator and a food court.
Happy holidays.
I can't believe you
sold Christmas.
Oh, nonsense, Buzz.
What says Christmas
better than a mall?
My very words, ye merry
gentlemen. My very words. Ha.
Oh. And Santa remembers
you too, lovely lady.
- Oh.
- Sorry, a little confetti there.
My fault. Hmm.
CASEY: And don't
forget, boys and girls...
to tune in on Christmas Eve
when we will be plugging in...
our specially modified
Doppler 12,000 radar...
to track Santa's progress...
as he makes his journey all
the way from the North Pole...
and into your living
room and under your tree.
I'm Casey Watson, good
weather and good night.
WOMAN: And we're
out. CASEY: Ugh.
[English - US -SDH]
with my camera.
CASEY: Come on, Buzzy.
You're supposed to
be Mr. Holiday Spirit.
Mom said she wanted
pictures of you too.
BUZZ: Well, use
your cell phone then.
An entrance fee of
$20 per adult? Whew.
Merry Christmas, suckers.
Ugh. The North Pole
Village is such a racket.
A racket? What do you mean?
In case you haven't noticed,
everything here has a price tag on it.
Why we still come here
every Christmas, I do not know.
[GRUNTS]
BUZZ: Look. Santa is coming
in on a zip line this year...
from all the way up there.
How about that?
Aw, I miss the float.
It was old-fashioned, but
at least it was charming.
Why do you like this Santa
so much? It's ridiculous.
SANTA JACK [OVER PA]: Ladies
and gentlemen, boys and girls...
we are minutes
from Santa's arrival.
So let's gather by the
workshop for a holiday surprise.
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
As we usher in a
new season of joy...
let's put our mittens together
and give a warm, jolly welcome...
to the man of the hour...
as he flies in directly
from the North Pole.
ALL: Ten, nine, eight, seven... SANTA
RANDY: Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!
ALL: six, five... BUZZ:
Okay, Casey, smile.
- Four, three...
- No! Oh, God. No!
Two, one.
SANTA RANDY: Merry Christmas!
[LAUGHS]
[YELLING]
[SPECTATORS SCREAMING]
BUZZ: Here. Take this.
Casey, stay here.
Don't worry, boys and girls.
What's wrong?
Oh, God.
Thank you, Buzz, for
bringing me up to speed.
Nice to meet you, Casey.
- Don't let this ruin your visit.
- Thank you, Chief Johnson.
How do we know this
wasn't an accident?
L.A. City Fire Department inspected
the zip line that our victim was using.
It appears someone
tampered with the brakes.
This trolley Santa was riding...
uses two pads to create
friction necessary for stopping.
One of the pads was pried loose.
It also has a battery-powered
backup system. But no battery.
And the entire kit is rented from
a company called Zip Xperience.
Owner says they ran
trials yesterday afternoon.
Brakes were working properly.
So according to the elves...
I've been waiting to
say that my entire life.
According to the elves, our dead
Santa's name was Randy Mann.
DMV has him
residing in Humboldt.
FLYNN: And our young
St. Nick has a sheet.
Two prior arrests for cultivating
and distributing marijuana.
Oh, over there? The crying
elf? That's his wife, Lisa.
I count two crying elves.
PROVENZA: Oh, the
other one is Carmen.
Seems, uh, Santa
played the field a little.
Hey, he's not the real Santa.
Sure about that, Buzz?
What my brother means
is the guy who really runs...
this con job of a Christmas
village is Santa Jack.
After the accident, I saw him
run back into his workshop.
Okay, thank you, Casey.
I'll be back in a minute.
So, ahem, Buzzy, uh, why
don't you introduce us to Casey?
Oh, he doesn't need to.
You are Detective Sanchez,
the one who threatens people. Ha.
You are Lieutenant Tao, of course.
Oh, and that's your bag of tricks.
You are the very
sharp dressing...
- Detective Gabriel. Hello.
- Thank you.
Judging by the cynical tone in
your voice, you must be Andy Flynn.
Hi.
And that makes you the grumpy
one. Lieutenant Provenza, hello.
Grumpy? Well, when
I'm being shot at, maybe.
But the rest of the time,
I'm just a cuddly teddy bear.
- Oh, ha, ha.
- Lieutenant, Casey is afraid of bears.
Excuse us. We don't wanna
interfere with your work.
- Bye. CASEY: Bye.
SANTA JACK: This is a disaster.
BRENDA: I understand that
the zip line was a new feature...
and that you used to
enter on a holiday float?
Yeah. That burned
down to its gearbox.
No one knows how.
Sorry about the smoke. Usually
not allowed in the workshop, but I...
[COUGHS]
How did this happen? Uh...
Poor Santa Randy.
I had the whole thing
rigged up the right way.
I was supposed to go
down, land on the platform...
and go down the chimney myself.
But when I tried out
the zip line yesterday...
believe me...
Santa screamed words that no
children should ever hear. Ha, ha.
And I take my job as
role model very seriously.
- Ah. Eggnog?
- No, thanks.
I'm on duty.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
[SANTA JACK COUGHS]
Sorry, I'm having a few
very bad months here.
I run a Halloween fair
too. Haunted House.
Corn maze, pumpkin
patch. Everything.
One boy got botulism.
One boy. And the county shut
down my entire operation for a month.
Then my sleigh gave out.
- Your sleigh?
- Yeah.
Red minivan. I
call it my sleigh.
Cost over a
thousand dollars to fix.
And now Santa Randy is dead.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Were you and Randy close?
Santa Randy.
Yeah. Great kid.
He's been selling trees here
since he dropped out of college.
But, of course, he
wanted more out of life.
So being a good guy...
I sent him to Santa
School last September.
Bought him the suit...
paid for him to join the order.
- I understand Randy and his wife...
- Santa Randy.
Santa. Santa Randy and his
wife, Lisa, were having problems.
Well, yeah, after work...
there might have been a few of
what we refer to around here...
as, uh, reindeer games.
Pole dancing.
That kind of thing.
And I understand Santa Randy
was a little overly friendly...
with the elves this year.
Oh, Santa Randy.
But let me tell you, Lisa had
a very hard time adjusting...
to Randy's new station in life.
She had married a man...
Whew.
And he had become
part of a legend.
And I can tell you from
personal experience...
the role of Mrs. Claus is more
than most women can handle.
Mm. Sorry.
Some ashes there. Ha.
My fault.
Look. Santa, I need
you to come downtown...
and give a statement
about this zip line.
Well, there's absolutely
no problem there.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING OUTSIDE]
- Ugh. Excuse me. One
second. GABRIEL: Drop the bag.
CARMEN: He would
have wanted me to have it.
He was my husband, you slut.
GABRIEL: Drop the bag.
- He didn't love you anymore!
- It's all legally mine!
GABRIEL: Ladies.
LISA: Not yours!
[YELLING]
FLYNN: Girls, come on, knock it
off. GABRIEL: Ladies, come on.
Gabriel, give them a sec.
One of them might say
something incriminating.
[GABRIEL GROANS]
TAO: Elves!
Elves, please!
All right, I've had enough.
Put them all under arrest.
All right, let's go. Everybody,
let's go. Come back here.
SANCHEZ: You, come with me.
GABRIEL: You
are a very strong elf.
Okay. All right, all
right. Okay. Okay.
You... Hey!
Hey. Santa is not
gonna like this.
SANCHEZ: This is a lot
of Christmas cheer, chief.
Drugs, cash. Add in the elf sex.
Three very traditional
motives for murder.
So hard to believe someone would
use a Christmas village to sell drugs.
- People use Christmas to sell everything.
- Casey.
And that's what Santa
Jack was all about.
Casey.
We don't interrupt detectives
when they're discussing a case.
Chief, I'm very sorry.
No, no, no. It's fine. I think
your sister might have a point.
With the amount of drugs here,
we should be able to get a warrant...
for everyone who works
at the North Pole's...
- Credit reports.
GABRIEL: Mm-hm.
And make sure that you include
the victim's wife, uh, please.
Uh, see if anyone has more
money in the bank than they ought to.
- Excuse me.
- Okay.
Supposed to go to
your attorney right now.
Well, I don't know if you've heard,
but someone murdered Santa Claus.
Look, Pope pulled
Raydor off your back...
with the understanding
that you'd focus, focus...
on this federal lawsuit, which means
keeping appointments with your lawyer.
I took off work today. I can't believe
you're thinking about being late.
Yet alone not showing
up at all. What is wrong?
Hey, hey, hey.
You have the
right to remain jolly.
[SIGHS]
Ho-ho-ho. Pull it
together, we need to leave.
Okay. Uh, everyone,
look, uh, I have to go.
Santa Jack should've been here by
now. Let's find out where he's gotten to.
I need to know who else
had access to that zip line...
between the last safety
check and our accident.
Which is what we're
calling this till we sort out...
who's been naughty
and who's been nice.
Thank you.
Well, it's clear now...
Goldman only brought
the Baylor suit against you...
in the hopes of establishing a leak in
your division. He has used that leak...
to amass an impressive list of
litigants for this federal lawsuit of his.
So, Brenda...
why don't we take a little
walk down memory lane?
Which, for you, leads
through a cemetery, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
In addition to Turell Baylor...
whose death I now look back
upon with a certain fond nostalgia...
we have the very
thuggy Nick Koslov...
son of a Russian crime boss.
Who confessed to stabbing
teenage prostitutes to death.
Mm. He was murdered after
you alerted his family's attorney...
that the young Mr. Koslov was
also an informant for the FBI.
Yeah, that was not a good day.
Mm. And began a troublesome
pattern you continued with Roger Stimple.
A child molester who confessed
to murdering three little girls.
Hanged himself in jail after you
"forgot" to put him in protective custody.
Then there's Martin Vasquez...
a Mexican federale you
arrested under another name.
Coincidentally, the name of
someone Vasquez had paid...
to have murdered in jail.
Also, by complete coincidence...
Mr. Vasquez died within an
hour of landing behind bars.
BRENDA: Vasquez was a corrupt
cop responsible for homicides...
- working for the Garcia Cartel.
- And then we have Kyle.
- Shot himself in your room.
- Because he couldn't kill me.
And lastly, but not
leastly, Phillip Stroh.
What? Stroh?
- He's not dead. Is he?
- Surprisingly, no.
But your wife has been
harassing him for over two years.
And in addition to bad-mouthing
him to the authorities...
- chasing away his clients...
- Brenda.
BRENDA: People he's
defending have a right...
- to know who they're dealing with.
- In addition to all of that...
every year on May 5th...
Mr. Stroh receives a
mysterious bouquet of flowers...
from the deceased
Jessica Goodall.
A little bit creepy.
I want Stroh never
to forget what I know.
And that is that he raped and
murdered Jessica February 5th, 2008.
The night before
her 30th birthday.
If you know that, why didn't you
arrest him and try him in court?
Why are you being so mean?
I am not being mean.
I'm simply presenting a more
mild version of Goldman's case.
Respond to him the way
you responded to me...
the L.A.P.D will have to institute
costly new custodial procedures.
You could end up forking
over every penny you have...
in punitive damages.
That's all for today.
Ohh, ooh, ooh.
Before I forget.
I have a gift for
the two of you.
In the spirit of the season.
- Enjoy.
- But we didn't get you anything.
Not to worry. It's from the
firm, not from me personally.
Sorry, wait. Did you say
punitive damages against us?
I'm afraid so, yes.
And to get all the bad news
out of the way this afternoon...
my retainer is gone.
If you'd like me to
continue as your counsel...
I'll need another $25,000
by the end of the week.
Merry Christmas to you,
Mr. Scrooge. I thought he was my friend.
He is, but it's also
what he does for a living.
Yeah. You mean making money
off the troubles of innocent people.
- What did he give us? What's in the box?
- Well, it's a silver tree ornament.
Ha. With the initials
of their firm on it.
No, no, no.
Don't throw it away. I want it.
In the spirit of the season.
TAO: So here's a little
Santa schematic, chief.
The zip line was installed
yesterday at 5:30 p.m.
Four successful dry runs.
Zip Xperience signed off on
their equipment at 8:30 p.m.
Yeah, the safety agreement
has three signatures on it:
Jack McBride, otherwise
known as Santa Jack...
his niece, Donna, who
Julio is bringing up now...
and Randy Mann.
TAO: Security guards were on duty
last night until this morning at 10 a.m.
when the doors opened, leaving
the trolley and cable unattended.
Full system failure a
few seconds after noon.
Giving us two hours where nearly
anyone could have disabled the brakes.
Great. Okay, uh, any other motive
possible besides drug dealing?
Ah, yes. It seems that our, uh, victim,
Santa Randy, and his wife, Lisa...
were recently qualified
for a business loan.
Lisa has admitted they were planning
to open their own Christmas village.
Another North Pole in L.A.?
Is that really such a big deal?
Well, believe it or not, Santa
Jack's village generates lots of cash.
After paying his taxes, rent to his niece,
alimony to a couple of Mrs. Clauses...
Santa brings home
over 200,000 per year.
Chief, I have Santa's niece
Donna in Interview Room One.
Maybe she can tell us
where her uncle is hiding.
Hey, Casey.
- Come on. We're needed in Electronics.
- Okay.
Come on.
Detective Sanchez. With me.
Now, please.
Ms. McBride, I'm
Deputy Chief Johnson.
I'm so sorry about the tragedy
today at your Christmas village.
Oh, it's not my village.
Uh, Dad left the property to me,
but the village itself is my uncle's.
Technically, I'm his landlord.
He's supposed to pay a
percentage of his receipts to me...
but more often than
not, I just let him forget it.
I see. So if you're not involved,
why did you sign off as a witness...
on the safety agreement
for the zip line?
Well, as land owner, I still
need to be careful about liability.
BRENDA: So you have nothing to
do with managing the North Pole?
Oh, no.
No. I couldn't work with
the people that Jack hires.
Randy Mann? With an
arrest record like his?
So you guys knew that
Randy was a drug dealer?
Oh, yes. Uncle Jack had
to go bail him out once.
- Randy never paid him back, of course.
- And yet he sent him to Santa school.
This is gonna sound odd, but
Uncle Jack thinks that playing Santa...
gives people an opportunity
to redeem themselves.
That to embody the Christmas
spirit made one a better person.
For him, Santa
is a spiritual thing.
SANTA JACK: Jingle
bells, jingle bells.
Everybody!
[SINGING] Jingle all the way
Ho-ho-ho! Sorry I'm late.
[SLURRING] I was
home a-wassailing.
Come on, let's get some
Christmas going here.
My God, your Christmas
tree, it's completely naked.
- People, you need to deck these halls.
- Straight ahead. You can't see anything.
Hey. That's Donna.
Why is Donna on TV?
FLYNN: All right, come on, let's go.
- I know her. Why is she on television?
- Please, I'm capable of guiding myself.
- Here.
FLYNN: Here.
- Stay there. SANTA
JACK: Uh... Uh...
Ah. Hello, everyone. Ha.
My apologies for appearing,
uh, before you in dis...
Uh, in this unseemly condition.
Santa is never publicly
drunk in uniform.
It's a violation of my oath.
But I had no time to
change into Santa casual...
before your extremely rude friend
here dragged me from my humble abode.
Well, ha, ha.
Hello, young lady.
Santa Claus, at your service.
And who would you be?
Well, you don't know me?
But I sat on your lap
every Christmas for years.
I'm Casey Watson.
Oh. And who would you
like to do when you grow up?
- Hey.
- Well, I'm actually already doing it.
I'm a meteorologist at a
weather station in Seattle.
A weather girl.
So you'll tell us all about what's
it's like in Santas all over the world.
What it's like in Santas?
Yes. You know, is it
hot in Santa Barbara?
Santa Ana.
Santa Monica.
Because it's plenty
hot in here, Casey.
[DONNA SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ON MONITOR]
Oh, that voice.
What is she yammering
on about now?
BRENDA: Randy and his wife
obtained their business loan...
and were looking to open their
own Christmas village somewhere?
[DOOR OPENS]
Well, good luck in finding
undeveloped land anywhere near us.
[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]
Randy was gonna compete
with my uncle? That's horrible.
I can't believe I got so upset
when he crashed into that chimney.
This will break Jack's heart.
So Santa Randy was trying
to open up his own village?
Oh. Ho, ho! You think Santa didn't
know what was going on behind his back?
Santa has powers Randy
never even dreamed of.
You think I changed places with him
on the zip line because I was frightened?
Santa does not know fear.
Well, then,
Santa, uh, tell us...
- why didn't you do the jump yourself?
- Huh?
Well, yeah. Why did you
change the batting order, Santa?
SANTA JACK: Ah.
Santa's secret insights.
I know when people
have been bad.
So I went to Randy, I said,
"Why don't you do the zip line?
- Go down the old chimney."
- No, no, Santa. Just wait a minute.
PROVENZA: Flynn, Flynn, Flynn.
- I paid him an extra $500.
Santa Claus cannot
be taken by surprise.
Randy expected to replace me?
Well, not anymore.
DETECTIVES: Oh!
FLYNN: Santa.
GABRIEL: Santa? Santa?
FLYNN: Buzz, wanna give
us a hand? GABRIEL: Santa.
BUZZ: Hold on, hold on.
- Oh, my gosh. FLYNN: Got him?
- Get him.
- One, two, three.
Put him on Buzz's
desk. Buzz's desk.
FLYNN: Watch his
arms. GABRIEL: He reeks.
- What happened? BUZZ: My desk.
He passed out.
Down on the table.
All the way down.
[ALL GRUNT]
- What's the matter?
- I never Mirandized him.
- Why not?
- You're kidding me.
- What does that mean?
- We apparently have...
a Santa-on-Santa crime...
but can't use anything our
suspect here said to prove it.
Don't know about that. Buzz,
did you get his statement on film?
- Yes, ma'am, unfortunately, I did.
- Well, I'll take a look at it.
It could be helpful. Depending.
Depending on what?
Depending on how much
you believe in Santa Claus.
Sorry.
Why are you still here?
Well, Santa gave us
the gift of overtime.
FLYNN: We had to serve a search
warrant at his workshop, house...
and various storerooms.
In addition to the cheesiest
decorations you've ever seen...
- we found all of his business records.
TAYLOR: I thought he admitted everything.
Ahem. Yeah, well,
uh, you know...
there were some
problems with his statement.
- What kind of problems? FLYNN:
For one thing, he confessed...
before we got the chance
to read him his rights.
Why do people do that?
- Did we smash his head in?
PROVENZA: Oh, no, no, no.
That's, uh, from too
much egg nogging.
- He passed out drunk in
Electronics. POPE: Great.
Another reason everything
he said could be inadmissible.
And he also implied that
he was the real Santa Claus.
PROVENZA: Yeah. So we asked
Buzz to try and sober him up...
so he wouldn't blurt
anything else out incriminating.
The chief would like
a proper crack at him.
BUZZ: You're welcome.
Oh, uh, thank you, young man.
- Uh, would you happen to have a cigarette?
- No.
And this is a nonsmoking area.
- Even for Santa?
- Especially for Santa.
You're meant to come down
the chimney, not smoke like one.
Then, would you pull a
trash can over here, please?
[GROANS]
You know, when I was a kid...
I looked forward to
talking to you for months.
The symbol of my very
favorite time of the year.
And now, I feel you've ruined
every Christmas memory that I have.
Plus, you don't
even recognize me.
That's not true.
I recall you very well.
A very caring young
boy with a happy smile.
Why, I might even be the reason
why you work with the police now.
One year, you sat on my knee...
you looked Santa in the eye,
and you asked for a camera.
I never asked you for a camera.
Aw. Oh, well.
Sometimes I get lucky.
Ho, ho...
[VOMITS]
PROVENZA: Oh. FLYNN: Ho-ho-ho.
[SANCHEZ LAUGHS]
TAYLOR: God.
- That should sober him up a little bit.
[GROANS]
Sorry, these things
occasionally happen to Santa.
[BLOWS NOSE]
Really?
By the way, does
he have a motive?
Two, actually, sir.
Not only was the victim
about to compete with him...
- but, uh, Santa Jack has probably...
- Santa Jack?
Yes, sir. Santa Jack has probably
the best business insurance policy...
I've ever seen in my life. Being
that he has a seasonal operation...
if he's shut down,
for any reason at all...
he's guaranteed the
previous year's income.
Policy was hard to find, sir.
His financial papers were a mess.
GABRIEL: About the only
thing he did file properly...
were the letters and cards
he got from kids over the years.
Right. So why are
we all standing here?
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Oh, excuse me. Sorry.
I need to get through.
PROVENZA: Please, allow me.
GABRIEL: You can go
through. CASEY: Thank you.
GABRIEL: Yes siree.
Wow.
Who is that?
That is Buzz's sister, Casey.
She does the weather in Seattle.
She's hot, sir.
But she has opinions.
- Oh. CASEY: Oh, my.
Santa vomit. How charming.
Tell me, Buzzy.
Still believe this guy represents
the magic of Christmas?
Now, hold on a
minute, young lady.
I'll admit that my behavior the
last few hours has been disgraceful.
But I want you to know
that before this evening...
I spent my entire adult
life respecting Christmas.
And in case you've forgotten...
Where is she?
And in case you've forgotten...
I also stand for peace on
Earth and joy to the world.
Behold, even in
my darkest hour...
the power of Santa Claus
draws these jaded police officers...
to gaze on me in wonder and awe.
They know what
I represent is real.
They certainly look real.
Maybe I should show them around.
I mean, Buzz and his sister.
- While she's in town.
- Right.
You know, as chief of police, I
can take her places nobody else can.
[GABRIEL CHUCKLES]
BRENDA: Would y'all
look at yourselves?
Like a bunch of diabetics
standing in front of a candy store.
Did Santa wake up from his winter's
nap so we can all get back to work?
Guys, please? We have
important work to do here.
Come on.
Okay, Santa, time
to get up. Let's go.
- Hi, Casey.
- Hi.
Well, merry Christmas
to both of you.
And thank you, young lady,
for your healing attentions.
CASEY: Oh.
- Oh, sorry.
Probably lint from my beard.
- My fault. CASEY: Yeah.
FLYNN: Let's go, come on.
- You have the right to remain
silent. SANTA JACK: All right.
FLYNN: If you give up that right,
anything you say can and will be used...
- I hate to bother you with
this... SANTA JACK: Really?
You have the right to an
attorney. If you can't afford one...
Gavin is asking for another
$25,000 and I don't have it.
He's still charging you?
Don't worry about it.
I'll fix it.
Thank you, Will.
Thank you so much.
Okay, chief, Santa
will see you now.
Santa Jack.
When we spoke earlier today...
you said you gave up on the
zip line because it frightened you.
I keep thinking how lucky it is
the person who replaced you...
was the same guy trying to
open his own Christmas village.
But he was also the only other
qualified Santa at the North Pole.
And now that I'm sober, I really
feel bad about that accident.
Well, you know, it's funny
that you use the word accident.
Because we found
evidence that suggests...
someone tampered with
the brakes on that zip line.
Making it look less like an
accident and more like murder.
Murder?
[GROANS]
But you can't think
Santa did this?
Earlier this evening,
you implied...
Oh, no, no, wait. That
was the eggnog talking.
Listen, if I wanted
Randy dead...
I wouldn't have offed him in
front of innocent little children.
This has ruined my business.
No, actually, it hasn't.
- You're about to make out like a bandit.
- What's that?
Excuse me, sir.
GABRIEL: It's your
business insurance policy.
Thank you, detective.
GABRIEL: Covers all revenue losses
from the closure of the North Pole village.
You make more money closed
than if you had stayed open.
Hope I'm not
crowding you, Casey.
- Casey, right?
- Mm-hm.
- Chief of Police William Pope.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
My brother must have set it up
as part of the lease agreement...
when he bought me the village.
- Keeping a close eye on this case.
- Mm.
A lot of frantic
parents calling in.
I'm hoping we can keep
from spoiling Santa Claus...
- for a lot of children.
- Aw, that's wonderful.
Helping parents delay the
moment children realize...
they've been lied
to about Christmas.
That must make you very proud.
SANTA JACK: Listen, uh, do
you happen to know how much I...?
How much, uh, Santa Jack gets
paid for having to shut down like this?
This year,
approximately $600,000.
[COUGHING] Holy
frankincense and myrrh.
Hey, does it also cover what
happened to my float too?
- Wait, what happened to your float?
- Oh, it went up in flames.
Oh, burnt completely.
I barely got out of the
storage garage alive. Ugh.
You were with the float
when it caught on fire?
Well, yeah.
Truth is I get a lot
of attention now...
but the rest of the year...
I'm mostly just another
out-of-work actor in Hollywood.
And sometimes when
I'm feeling a little blue...
I dress up in my
old Santa suit...
and go hang out in my float.
Maybe have a drink or two.
Anyway, last September, I
passed out on my sleigh bench...
and when I woke up, the
entire float was in flames.
Yeah, and my, uh, best beard?
The one made entirely
of actual yak hair.
Torched.
Burned up faster than
a pair of kid's pajamas.
Oh, my God, the Halloween
fair is even paid for...
even though the Health
Department shut me down.
- Because of botulism.
- Yeah.
In one single brownie.
And it was my brownie to boot.
Little guy snatched it right
off the platter of snacks...
that Randy and I kept
in my big jack-o-lantern.
That was my name at Halloween.
Jack Lantern.
Funny, right?
Didn't something happen
to your minivan too?
Yeah.
My brakes went out just as
I was getting off the freeway.
Luckily, the light was
green at the exit ramp...
- otherwise Santa would have crashed...
- So wait, wait.
Today, the zip line.
- Yeah.
- Before that, the minivan.
And the brownie and the float.
My God.
Is this part of the
war on Christmas?
BRENDA: Either that...
or today, someone
killed the wrong Santa.
Fritzi? Hey.
You're up late.
Yeah. Yeah, something about
possibly losing everything we have...
made it hard to nod off.
So I thought I'd get
Christmas up and rolling.
How did your day go?
Um, good. Good. I'm star...
Oh!
Uh, I'm starting to think somebody really
doesn't want Santa at the North Pole.
And his niece was right. We've
been checking with realtors...
and Randy and Lisa couldn't
afford a vacant lot in Los Angeles...
much less their own
Christmas village.
Hey, Fritzi, what are you doing?
I am taking down all of
your Phillip Stroh stuff.
- What? Why?
- I am tired of looking at him.
- I'm the only person who remembers...
- Creepy, having him in our...
I live here too. I've got to get
this guy out of our guest room.
It's not good for me.
So one of us has to go.
Okay. Fine. I'll take him to
work. That's not a big deal at all.
Hey, look, look, look.
I know what Stroh did was awful.
But holding on to the past like
this, refusing to let go of the guy...
it's hurting us too.
It's making this court case
we're facing more credible.
Don't you wanna beat this thing?
Is getting Stroh worth
risking our whole future?
You're right, I'm sorry.
[SIGHS]
Sorry, I know you're right.
Sometimes I hold onto things longer
than I should. But you have to know...
there is nothing I want
more than to get rid of Gavin...
and Goldman and this
whole terrible lawsuit...
so that the future can go
back to what it used to be.
I'd be happy if our guest room
goes back to what it used to be.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, look, the future
is gonna be what it is.
In the meantime...
try not to freak out in advance.
What?
How true.
- Hmm?
- Freaking out in advance.
That's just not right.
Casey, don't mess
with my camera.
CASEY: Come on, Buzzy.
You're supposed to be Mr. Holiday
Spirit. Mom wanted pictures of you too.
Okay, uh, let's fast-forward
to the accident please.
ALL: Eight, seven, six, five...
BUZZ: Okay, Casey, smile.
ALL: four, three, two...
- Oh, no! Oh, God! No!
ALL: one!
- Okay, stop it. Right there.
Uh, let's go back to
where the woman screams.
ALL: Five, four, three...
- Oh, no! Oh, God! No!
Freeze it. There.
When Buzz first
showed me this footage...
it didn't register that the
woman started screaming...
before Santa
Randy took the leap.
And as you can see, Ms.
McBride, that woman is you.
You have the right
to remain silent.
- Anything you say...
- Wait a minute. I don't understand.
- Why are you, uh...?
- Your niece was horrified...
in advance of the accident.
PROVENZA: Which
means, Santa Jack...
that she knew Randy was
about to take the death plunge...
- that she had planned
for you. DONNA: No.
No, that's not right.
- I could never kill my Uncle Jack.
- You're probably right.
But not for lack of trying.
PROVENZA: And who else
has access to his property?
Could burn down the place where he
stores his float, fiddle with his brakes?
She doesn't know
anything about zip lines.
She knew everything she needed to
know after signing the safety agreement.
Including how the brakes worked.
And she saw you rehearsing the ride.
This is nonsense. Why
would I do such a terrible thing?
I remember you telling me Randy and
Lisa couldn't afford to buy the North Pole.
Made me wonder how
much a plot of land like that...
would cost in L.A. So
we did some research.
Two days before your
uncle's car accident...
the real estate company Brown
& Barrows offered $20 million...
for the property that you're
leasing to your uncle for life.
And Io and behold, two days
later, his minivan crashes.
One week later, Brown & Barrows
upped their offer by $1 million.
And your uncle barely escaped
burning to death on his float.
There's a pattern:
Offer, botulism.
Offer, zip line.
Listen, this is what
I'm going to do.
I'm going to arrest
you for murder...
and three counts of
attempted Santa-cide.
But in the spirit
of the season...
and since you weren't really
trying to kill Santa Randy...
I'm not going to pursue
the death penalty trial...
if you just say the magic words.
I offered you a million
dollars to give up that lease.
Christmas is not for sale.
You idiot.
- What? I'm not an idiot.
- If you didn't have to dress up...
- in that stupid suit and wave at...
- It's not a stupid...
Unh! You are not a legend.
There are hundreds of
Santas better than you.
You are the worst
actor ever! Ever!
I'll have you know, I've
won six Drama-log awards.
Oh, God.
He is a degenerate,
undeserving blowhard...
who ruined every Christmas
for me my entire life.
Because of him, I never even got
the chance to believe in Santa Claus.
Yeah, I wanted him dead.
And if I ever get the chance,
I'll try and kill him again.
Well, Merry
Christmas to you too.
POPE: Another
$25,000? Are you serious?
I know it's been a while since you
worked in the city attorney's office...
but do you recall what a public
servant like Chief Johnson is paid?
I recall it very well.
That's why I left and
got into private practice...
where, lest we forget,
people pay me for my services.
So far I have saved
the city over $500,000.
And if I'm fending off a
50-million-dollar award...
plus punitive damages
against Chief Johnson...
in what can only described...
as the biggest lawsuit of its
kind before the federal bench...
my compensation should be relative
to my expenses and my time involved.
Listen, if you are trying the
biggest lawsuit of its kind...
before the federal bench...
then you're gonna
be on television a lot...
- My public profile is part...
- I'm still talking. I'm still talking.
You could not buy the kind of
publicity that you will get from this case.
From now on, you
will be the first resort...
of any law enforcement
officer facing similar charges.
And I'm guessing your
rates will go up accordingly.
To be clear, if you are not
willing to take this pro bono...
I guarantee you
somebody else will be.
Wanna set up your
next competitor?
Be our guest.
Well, let's not draw this out.
I don't usually work for free, but I
like Brenda, I hate Peter Goldman...
and my office will
be in touch. Bye-bye.
Oh, Will.
Thank you so much
for helping me again.
No way we could
afford to pay for that.
Excuse me, I couldn't
help but overhear.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but
are you under the impression...
that Chief Pope was in
any way responsible...
- for procuring me my last retainer?
- The city didn't volunteer to pay it.
Right. And Chief Pope had
nothing to do with it either.
- He didn't?
- No.
That money came
from your husband...
out of an inheritance
he had from his parents.
I'm sorry, where were
we? Ah, yes, I remember.
Bye-bye.
BUZZ: I know you thought
he was a sham, but look at this.
Here's stuff Santa Jack
saved from kids over the years.
Thousands and thousands of
letters filed alphabetically and by date.
One in particular
stands out to me.
CASEY: Hmm.
"Dear Santa.
I am writing you because we
have had a very hard time...
since we lost my dad...
and someone stole my big
brother, Buzzy's, bicycle...
and Mom says we
can't buy a new one.
All of his friends have
bikes and he feels left out...
even though he
acts like it's okay.
We still live in the same
place we did last year.
And if there's anything left over
after the bike, I would like a pony.
I love you, Santa.
Casey Watson."
See?
Can anyone here say hallelujah
20 million times really fast? Ha, ha.
Because that's how grateful
I am for the $20 million...
Brown & Barrows has
just agreed to pay me...
for my Christmas village.
You said you'd never
give up the North Pole.
Well, that's before you guys
proved that my niece tried to kill me.
Now she needs a lawyer.
So I told her, if she signed
the land over to me...
I'd sell it and
help her hire one.
Hear, hear. Enjoy.
Uh, the reason for the season.
Ha, ha. Oh, oh.
Don't think I forgot
about you, young fella.
If it wasn't for that
camera of yours...
Donna would be planning on
murdering me again, I am sure.
So tell us, what are they
gonna build at the North Pole?
What they always build in L.A.
A temperature-controlled
shopping environment...
featuring lots of retail stores
all crammed next to each other...
and connected by an
escalator and a food court.
Happy holidays.
I can't believe you
sold Christmas.
Oh, nonsense, Buzz.
What says Christmas
better than a mall?
My very words, ye merry
gentlemen. My very words. Ha.
Oh. And Santa remembers
you too, lovely lady.
- Oh.
- Sorry, a little confetti there.
My fault. Hmm.
CASEY: And don't
forget, boys and girls...
to tune in on Christmas Eve
when we will be plugging in...
our specially modified
Doppler 12,000 radar...
to track Santa's progress...
as he makes his journey all
the way from the North Pole...
and into your living
room and under your tree.
I'm Casey Watson, good
weather and good night.
WOMAN: And we're
out. CASEY: Ugh.
[English - US -SDH]