The Cleveland Show (2009–2013): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

So basically Saran Wrap
does work as a condom

whereas Reynolds Wrap does not.

- Hey, what's your problem, Cleveland?
- I just had a terrible day.

Okay, what happened?

My divorce was finalized
and I lost the house to Loretta!

Oh my God, I've never seen
a black guy cry before.

I always thought you guys
just got more pissed off.

Jeez, Cleveland, where
are you gonna live?

I don't know. Quagmire, could
I stay on your gross couch?

No, I need that for humping strangers.

How about you, Joe?
Can I stay at your house?



- No.
- I understand.

Plus, it's not just me.
I also got custody of Cleveland Jr.

What is he, 14 years old now?

Yeah.

Man, he aged faster than Kathleen Turner.

Good news, Kathleen, you've been offered
the leading role on a new feature.

- What part?
- What else?

The Babe.

Wow, The Babe seems
to be calling this shot.

Dad, when am I gonna
get hair around my grits?

Oh, you'll get there, Cleveland Jr.

But right now, we got
bigger problems than that.

Your mama wants this house
by tomorrow at sundown!

- Where are we gonna go?
- Exactly!



- Exactly who?
- This ain't no knock-knock joke!

We gotta figure out
what we're gonna do!

- Light it, Brian.
- Peter, I don't wanna do this.

Do it, Brian. It's the only way
I'm gonna catch that bird.

- Meep meep.
- Here it comes, light it!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Doggone it. That's it. No more.

I'm tired of being kicked
around by this world!

I'm sorry, Cleveland.

- It's all right.
- I tried to stop him...

I don't blame you, Brian.
You're a dog! A dog!

Hello everyone.
Thank you all for coming.

- Oh!
- Ha.

Anyway, I have an
announcement to make.

Losing this house
has got me thinking

about larger things:
my life, and where it's going.

There's gotta be more than this.

Okay, okay, what
are you gonna do?

Cleveland Jr. and I
are moving to California.

So I can persue my lifelong dream
of being a minor league scout

for a professional
baseball organization.

Who's gonna run that deli
you never go to?

When you sell Boar's Head,
it pretty much runs itself.

So I put it in a call to my old
batting instructor, Mr. Joe Torre.

So Joe Torre who coached the Yankees
to four World's Championships

was your old batting instructor and
this is the first we're hearing of it?

See? This is exactly why I'm leaving.

Nobody never asks anything
about what Cleveland's got going on.

But if Peter wants
to put together a new A-Team

or overthrow a British pub, or recreate
all the old damn Star Wars movies

I'm expected to jump on board,
no questions asked!

Well, then I guess we're
gonna have to find a new Ringo.

Well, gosh, Cleveland!
We're gonna miss you!

Is there anything you need
before you go?

Umm...

You think you and Bonnie
could kiss each other just once?

- Why, I... I don't know.
- Ha, ha.

- Ahh, I don't know.
- I suppose, ha, ha.

We might need some champagne...

Wow, Bonnie.

Ha ha-ha-ha! Dang!

That's the first time I have ever asked
for anything I really wanted!

Touch... touch nipples.

Well, this is it.

I didn't think it was
gonna be so hard.

Goodbye, kids.

- Goodbye, Mister Cleveland.
- Bye.

Bye, chocolate people.

Quagmire, Joe, don't y'all
go drinking any beers without me.

Ha-ha-ha!

- I know you will.
- Take care of yourself.

Bye, chocolate people.

- Goodbye, Peter.
- Don't say goodbye!

The French say, "au revoir".

Touch... Touch nipples.

What the hell?
He's getting his own show?

♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪

♪ and I am proud to be ♪

♪ right back in my hometown ♪

♪ with my new family ♪

♪ There's old friends,
and new friends, and even a bear ♪

♪ Through good times and bad times,
that's true love we share ♪

♪ And so I found a place
where everyone will know ♪

♪ my happy black guy face.
This is the Cleveland show! ♪

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Dad, are you sure moving to California
is the right decision for us?

Well, it's pretty hard to steal second
if your foot's still on first.

That sounds folksy.
What does it mean?

It means you gotta take chances
in life to find true happiness.

- That sounds gay.
- Gays are smart.

Just look at how many lines
Gene Hackman has been able

to memorize over the years.

Hey, look where we are!

Wait a minute,
what are we doing in Virginia?

I have a surprise for you,
Cleveland Jr.

We're gonna stop off
for a day or two in my old hometown.

I figured you oughta learn a little
something about where your dad came from.

Okay, but we're out
of sandwich cookies.

Nutter Butters and Oreos gone? Damn.

Hey, look! The old Woolworth's.

Huh.

I thought that company went bankrupt
a few years back.

I guess they forgot to tell this one.

I guess they did!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I guess they did.

There used to be so much hot fur
walking around here.

Nowdays, the way the ladies are
all grooming themselves

I don't even know
what you'd call it.

I guess you'd say there's so much hot
area of skin walking around here.

- I'm glad I grew up when I did.
- Where is all your baseball trophies?

Hmm, looks like they moved
the trophy case.

Beg pardon, can you tell me
where the trophy case...

- Cleveland?
- Donna?

♪ I remember how we made... ♪

Thanks for driving me
to the dance, Cleveland.

Robert would have brought me himself,
but he wanted to get drunk

- with his friends first.
- It's all right, I enjoy your company.

I don't know why you're with that guy,
he don't treat you right.

- Oh, he's not so bad.
- Well, I think he is.

And I just want you to know that...

I think you're great.

You're wonderful, Donna.

- I love y...
- There you are, baby!

Thanks for keeping her warm
for me, dough boy.

Donna come on over here and show
my buddies your nice fat ass.

- Ooh.
- Yeah.

- Dang!
- That's a nice fat ass.

So you're working here
at the old school?

Yeah, I work for the Principal.

- How long you're in town for?
- Couple of days.

On our way to California.

Hey, is there a good hotel in the area
for a man with keen taste

but also one who is on a budget?

Well, if you need a place to stay, we
have a spare room at our house.

- But what would Robert think?
- Oh, Cleveland...

There is no Robert anymore.

We're divorced.

I guess there is still
some hot fur around here.

I guess there is.

Ha-ha-ha!

I guess there is.

Back in high school, I would have
killed to spend the night

- at Donna Tubbs' house.
- Wait a minute dad.

Is she the one you use to looked at
naked through her bedroom window

from the ladder that...

I don't even know
why I told you about that.

"Oh, I can keep a secret daddy".

- You're all right, Donna?
- Yes, Lester. Why?

There's a couple of black guys
following you.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I forgot. You're also black.

Have a good day then.

Well, I guess I'm back in the South.

Eighty-nine.
Fourty-three on the back.

And the greens were fast.

Very good, Holt.

This is my friend Cleveland.

What's up, dawg?

- You gotta blow it up, bro.
- Holt!

- What, Mom?
- It's time for dinner.

I'm talking to my friends!
I gotta go get my dinner on.

I'll come back later.
Bring the new Dave.

Live in Austin.
Sick!

He's a funny little man.

Rallo, this is Cleveland
and Cleveland Jr.

They're gonna be our guests
for a couple of nights.

Oh, okay.

We're having fat people stay
at our house now

- and nobody runs it by me?
- Watch your mouth, Rallo.

Roberta!

- Where's your sister?
- She left!

- And left you alone?
- Evidently.

Hey, I ain't gotta go
to school no more.

Rallo got kicked out.
He pulled down the teacher's pants.

During show-and-tell.

She was doing a little too much telling.
And not enough showing.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Honey, go show Cleveland Jr. upstairs
to the guestroom.

We ain't got no freight elevator.

Nah, you're alright
with me, chubs, come on.

That one gets kicked out of school,
and his sister who's supposed

to be watching him is probably
running around with that

no-good loser Federline Jones.

Hard to believe a daughter of yours
would be attracted to

a boy who is no good for her.

Twenty-five years later and you're still
giving me guff about Robert.

You need to get laid, fool.

Oh Mom! Thank God you're home.

Rallo probably already told you.

I was going to the library to get him
some new books.

But on the way I was mugged
by six Al Qaedas.

And I said, "Oh no,
you don't, Al Qaedas."

And I fought them off.
One by one.

But by the end, I was so tired

I decided to just come home to
the loving embrace of my family.

I fought off six Al Qaedas.

Oh please, Roberta.

That excuse was less convincing than
an eyebrow comb-over.

So, coach Torre's office said
they'd reimburse me

for the milage one the way
out there.

And with gas prices these days

write your own punchline.

Gas costs a lot.

Ha-ha-ha!

He gets what I'm talking about.

I gotta go get ready
for Federline.

- It's a school night!
- We're studying, Mom.

Studying each others' wee-wees.

Rallo!

Oh, I swear my kids
need some fathering.

Tell you what.

I'll get them on the right track
before I leave for California.

You think you can do in two days

what I haven't been able
to do in five years?

Just watch me.

- Be back by ten!
- I'll be back whenever I want.

Roberta, can I talk to you
for a moment?

No! You get on my nerves.

I'll tell you what else
gets on my nerves.

When white people make a TV show,
they think black people would watch.

We now return to...

Dat's What I Was Tellin' You Before!

What are you kids doing?
The church costume party is tomorrow.

That's what
I was telling you before.

You Federline Jones?

I don't need my windows
washed, old man.

I wasn't offering
to wash your windows.

- Do you see a spray bottle?
- No!

Do you see a squeegee
or a chamois cloth?

- or even a piece of balled-up newspaper?
- No!

How would I wash your windows
without those things?

It would be impossible to wash your
windows without those things.

Okay!

Now, if you wanted me to check your
spark plugs maybe I could do that

because all I would need
is for you to pop the hood.

But that's not why I came out here.

Now, there's a lady inside who
you're gonna bring home at ten o'clock.

Not 10:01.

Not 9:59.

Because that might be too soon.

Because I'm hoping to get in
a bit of petting myself tonight.

I don't know why
I'm telling you this but it's true.

I want it because it feels good!

Damn, I've put a lot of time
into this one

and I'm not gonna let you
mess it all up by coming home at 9:59!

So, what time are you
gonna bring her home?

Ten o'clock!

Great! Have fun, kids!
Don't drink too many sodas!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

So, uh, you really showed
that kid who's boss, huh?

Aah! A bear!

Aah! A black man!

Aah!

You see? It don't feel so good,
does it? It's very reductive.

Well, when it... Anyway, don't
worry about it. You must be Cleveland.

- Who are you?
- I'm Donna's neighbour, Tim.

My-my wife and our son Raymond live
uh... live here, in this house, right here.

Aren't you supposed
to live in the woods?

Yeah, I suppose... It's not...

It's not the best place uh... to make
a buck in today's... Well, you know...

the rat race!

I know, right?

Tim, for heaven's sake! How long
does it take to take out the trash?

What, are you waiting
for it to biodegrade?

Ugh, hey, do me a favor, right?
Don't tell the missus

She'd have my head over the mantel
if she found out.

Ah. Man, that's the antidote right there,
let me tell you.

Okay, well, may the peace of, uh,
Jesus Christ be with you.

All right then.

Aah, I don't trust
that Federline Jones...

And I don't trust Roberta either.
But I don't know what to do.

Have you considered
genital mutilation?

What?

Ha-ha-ha! I'm just kidding!

You're so stupid!

Aah, Cleveland.

Do you remember that song
you used to sing to me?

Sing it to me again!

- No...
- Come on!

I don't remember it.

♪ Oh, Donna, you're so fine,
you're so fine you blow my mind... ♪

♪ Hey Donna! ♪
♪ Hey Cleveland! ♪

♪ Hey Donna! ♪
♪ Hey Cleveland! ♪

♪ Oh Donna ♪
♪ Hey Cleveland ♪

♪ what a pity
you don't understand ♪

♪ you take me by the hat,
when you take me by the hair... ♪

Do you know what time it is?
It's...

ten o'clock!

Damn, I should have
told them 10:04...

Federline insisted
I'd be home on time.

You got a man in the house now.

- Hmm. Been a long time.
- She's lying.

And tomorrow I'm getting
Rallo back in school.

He was just being curious.

Like I was when I went
to that Jimmy Fallon movie.

I wonder if I urinated on the floor

it would make it
all the way down to the front.

Hey!

Thank you for giving Rallo
another chance, Mrs. Lowenstein.

- May I call you Hadassah?
- Okay.

Now, remember, I'm not trying
to stop you from being who you are

you just gotta be cool about it.

So what are you gonna do
when you wanna go under the table

- to look up someone's skirt?
- Create another reason

for why I would be going
under the table.

That's right.
Now, go do your thing.

Hey, ladies!

Oops! I dropped my pencil.

I wonder where
that pencil has gone.

It is the most elusive pencil.

One wonders
if I ever will find it.

Attaboy!

Speaking of pencils,
I got a golf pencil in my pants right now.

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh.

- Guess who's back in kindergarten?
- Adam Sandler?

Ha-ha! No, Rallo.

I know, Mrs. Lowenstein called.

I can't believe
you did it, Cleveland.

Thank you so much.

You know what you proved to me?

That these kids need
a man in their lives.

And that I need a man in my life.

Who do you have in mind?

Who do you think, dough boy?

- Robert?
- I owe it to the children

to see if we can make it work.

You showed me that.

Come on, baby.

Let's go down to Woolworth's.

I'll buy you a grilled cheese
and a parakeet.

- We're not getting a parakeet.
- I'd get you one if you wanted it.

Oh, Robert!

Thanks, Cleveland.

Oh, it can't get any worse than this.

Daddy, can you come wipe me?

What should we name our new bird?

- Is it a boy or a girl?
- It's a girl.

Joan! Her name is Joan.

Dad, do you think uncle Robert
would get us a bird as well?

No time for that, Cleveland Jr.

We're leaving first thing
in the morning.

What? Then I'll cancel dinner with Robert.
I shouldn't be gone your last night.

No, I'll just do my thing
and you can do your thing.

Which probably involves
Robert's thing and your thing.

Oh, which way is the bar, Thing?

So you're leaving soon
for California, hey?

I hope you packed
your liberal shoes.

What with their electric cars
and the Regal Beagle and all, you know?

Yeah, heading out tomorrow.

It's not like there's anything to keep
me here in Stoolbend.

Certainly not Donna.

Oh, I know how to read a person.

I can tell you're sweet on Donna,
aren't you?

- No.
- You are!

You'd give up baseball for a woman who's
already busted out two children

- out of her tween-leg area?
- No!

And even if I wanted to, I couldn't.

Her ex is back in the picture.

Oh! Not Robert,
he's a terrible listener.

- Busted my Game Boy!
- Robert stole my lighter. My good BIC.

Well, he's taking her
to dinner tonight.

Anyway.

Nice knowing you guys.

I got some packing to do.

We can't just let him go.
Cleveland, wait!

Yes?

You owe us like
$8.50 for your drinks, man.

Eight-fifty? For two peach schnappses?

- He's a good man.
- She's a good woman.

Yo, brewdogs.
You guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Looks like another case
for Holt's Heroes.

All right, but for the last time,
we ain't calling ourselves that.

We're the Kickassers!

Then it's settled.
All the Jesus Crusaders together?

- Kickass!
- Hallelujah!

No fat chicks!

Holt to Heroes: get those
butterflies out, it's game time.

Yippee ki-yay motherf.... Oh!

Holt down!

Repeat.
Holt down!

Somebody call my mom.

Wait, you said you
weren't leaving till tomorrow.

I thought we'd get a head start so
we could do a little sightseeing.

Maybe check out
Dolly Parton's birthplace.

Uh! I guess she could
nurse herself, huh?

Stop it, Bob. This
is a real problem.

So, this is goodbye then.

You're a very lucky boy
to have this father.

I can't think of a finer man
than Cleveland Brown.

Goodbye Donna.

Oh, I know y'all ain't leaving without
making these beds.

Are we gonna have a pool
in California?

We'll try.

We'll see what amenities they
have for us when we get there.

In our kitchen, will our freezer be
on top of the fridge

or will it be side by side?

Or will it be on of those that has
the freezer on the bottom...

I don't know!

I thought pursuing your dream
was supposed to make you happy.

Not a big douche.

I'm sorry, Cleveland Jr.

Dad, didn't you tell me that
sometimes you gotta take chances in life

- to find true happiness?
- I did.

Well then, what are we doing
driving to California?

Miss Donna is back in Stoolbend.

Oh, look at the little one.

Oh, baby, it feels so right to be back
in this house with you

- the cable TV...
- Excuse me?

You're tense!
Come on, sugar, loosen up.

Donna, I got something to say.

- Cleveland?
- You're too good for this man.

Who are you, coming in here
talking all kinds of trash?

Who I am? I'm someone who
wants more than just a booty-call.

I'm someone who would treat
this lady right.

And be a good father
to her children.

Her children?
My children.

Do you even know
what grades they're in?

The girl must be done
with high school, right?

And Rerun's in what?
Sixth grade?

Donna, I don't wanna go
to California anymore.

But... what about your dream?

You're my dream.
You always have been.

♪ I know your eyes in the morning sun ♪

♪ I feel you touch me in the pouring rain ♪

♪ And the moment
that you wander far from me ♪

♪ I wanna feel you in my arms again ♪

♪ And you come to me on a summer breeze ♪

♪ Keep me warm in your love
then you softly leave ♪

♪ And it's me you need to show ♪

♪ How deep is your love? ♪

I love you Donna Tubbs.

I have been waiting 25 years to hear
you say that, Cleveland Brown.

I love you too.

Hear that, chump?

This nice fat ass is mine.

You ain't seen the last of me.

Joan!

Say, bird, let's rip this joint.

These is just a couple of
jive-ass turkeys anyhow.

That's what I was
telling you before.

I present Mr. and Mrs.
Cleveland Brown.

Usually, I think weddings are gay.
Not this one.

Y'all okay with having a black guy
as our fourth friend?

I mean, you know...

Hey, we got a black president,
it's about time we had a black friend.

Hey, we can talk to him about
the president.

Well, I may not be a baseball scout.

- But I think I just hit a home run.
- Me too!

You know, I guess I could
get used to having a dad again.

And I can get used to having
a brother and sister.

Well, if we ain't
the black Brady Bunch.

Except I'm not a gay architect

and my wife's not sleeping
with my son.

Not yet!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!