The Carrie Diaries (2013–2014): Season 2, Episode 2 - Express Yourself - full transcript

Before there was sex...

Before there was the city,
there was just me,

Carrie... Carrie Bradshaw
from Castlebury, Connecticut.

I thought you were
all into Bennet.

I really like him.
It just feels like

we're in Nowhere's Land
until I'm legal.

That "gym" really seems
all-consuming for you.

I've been enjoying myself.

Here's to
two loose-lipped losers

who created their own messes.

- We've been friends for a long time.
- That means something.



Maybe all it means is that
it's been a long time,

because it certainly doesn't
mean you're a good friend.

I've apologized to Carrie,
like, a hundred times.

She won't hear me out.

You don't get it, do you? I lost
her because of what we did.

Can we talk?
I really gotta get going.

Can I help you?
If you don't let me in,

I'm gonna have to tell Sam
you were rude to me.

Oh, I understand.
And Sam heard everything.

And P. S....
I prefer "Samantha."

If you ever need anything,
you know where I live.

Can I stay here
for a couple days?

♪ Some like it hot

♪ and some sweat
when the heat is on ♪



Yikes. This review of
"Teen Wolf" is brutal.

"Aggressively boring"
"Dies a natural death"

from day one, we're taught

that it's important
to express how we really feel.

I could never be
a movie critic.

I'd be too worried about hurting
Michael J. Fox's feelings

to say anything mean.

Especially because
he's so cute.

I couldn't either.

Being a W.A.S.P. means
I lack the ability

to express direct criticism.

Pretty sure it was part of
the Mayflower Compact.

Well, I don't care how bad
the movie reviews are.

I still wanna see it.

- It's playing at 8:35 tonight.
- Ahem.

- You wanna go see it?
- Here we go.

While others have no trouble

putting everything they feel
out there.

God, this heat.

I might as well
be back in Florida.

I don't know how
you people can drink coffee.

At home, we had a trick
to beat the heat...

Cold underwear.

Now where did I put 'em?

Here we are.

She was only
supposed to be here a few days,

and it's been three weeks.

Don't you people believe
in food?

There's barely anything
in here.

Well, I haven't opened
that thing once

- since we've been here.
- Said with pride.

Well, the deli delivers
everything, including coffee.

Oh, it's probably for me.

And next time you order,
get me a banana or something.

Look, Samantha's great,

but great has overstayed
her welcome

because great is always naked,

leaves her stuff everywhere,

and has no sense
of personal boundaries.

Carrie, you have to
say something.

Well, I have.

Have you said the words
"You have to move out"?

I've dropped hints.

You're right, Carrie.

There's some great stuff
in here.

"Phone sex operators wanted.
Work from home. $6.99 a minute"

That wasn't exactly what
I meant.

Hi.

Okay, so that didn't go
as planned.

♪ Heat

wrong number.

I thought it was my client
with the spanking fetish.

He's so needy.

♪ Feel the heat

I'll say that didn't go
as planned.

Look, Samantha makes me laugh.
I like her.

I just don't wanna
live with her anymore.

♪ some like it hot

Carrie, no! The spanker!

♪ Some like it hot

The Carrie Diaries 02x02
Express Yourself
Originally Aired November 1, 2013

♪ Some like it hot

♪ some like it hot

Hello?
Hey there, kiddo.

Oh! Dad, thank God.

Wow. You actually sound happy
hear from me.

That has to be a first.

Well, of course I'm happy to
hear from you.

Everything okay?

Yeah. Yeah, it's great.

It's actually kind of fun
to have the place to myself

while Dorrit is away
with Audrey's family.

And you're sure Dorrit's
with Audrey at the beach,

not with Miller?

I watched her leave,

and both of Audrey's parents
were in the car, so...

I'm... 70% sure. Yeah.

So you're free to, uh...

Well, what are you going to do?

Not sure.

Thought I'd maybe...

Hang out with some friends
or something.

Dad, you can talk about Deb
with me.

See? I said it. I don't have to
call her "the gym" anymore.

So you're gonna hang out
with Deb. That's great.

It is, but that's not
the reason I called.

I actually have
some really exciting news.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I just met the niece
of a client of mine,

and it turns out
that she teaches writing

at the new school in Manhattan.

Now they have a program
for gifted high school writers.

So, of course, I told her that

my daughter was the most gifted
of the gifted,

and uh, she agreed
to meet with you.

Are you kidding?
That's amazing!

Good. Good. Okay, she's gonna
call me later this week

with the time for you to go on in and meet her.

Wow.

Hello?
Oh.

Oh!

Hello there, big boy.

Has someone been very naughty?

Samantha, I'm on the phone.

Oops. Sorry.

What the hell is going on
in your house?

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, it's fine.
It's... it's fine.

Um, Larissa has, um,
a party line,

so the most random people
are always hopping on.

Party lines still exist?

In Tribeca they do.

Well, she's not runnin' now,

but it won't take much
to change that.

Whoa. Dad, what's this?

Original 1955 Porsche Spyder.

I-I know. I mean,
what's it doin' here?

Well, I bought it.

No way.

What?

That's so awesome!

I... she is dead ringer for
James Dean's "Little Bastard".

Oh, my gosh. It's beautiful.

Yeah, I know.

Remember when you owned
your first gas station,

some jackass had one
and was always yelling at you

about the cost
of keeping it going?

And I told him... you wanna play,
you gotta pay.

These cars are tricky.

And yet you still bought it.

Yeah, well,

I'm a glutton for punishment
when it comes to cars.

How about we fix
this bastard up together?

Really?
You'd want to do that?

Yeah, of course.

You and me. It'll be fun.

I'm getting such a head start
on organic chemistry

with this program.

My future pre-med classmates
can... suck it!

Man, I do miss you,
Mouse.

I like that you think it's cute
when I'm psycho-competitive.

Not cute. Sexy.

Have you seen Carrie yet?

Not yet.
It's Walt's b-day this weekend,

and I'm making him his favorite
dish... Quiche Lorraine.

That's great.
What's your room like?

It's fun. Pretty small.

And are you hot?

I'm reasonably comfortable.

Why?
You sure about that?

You must be a little hot.

- See ya, West.
- Hey, night, West.

What are you wearing?

Mm, blue sweatpants that say
"Columbia" on my, um, leg.

I think you need
to get out of those.

I can't do this right now.

I have a roommate.

So it'll be me, you, Mouse,
Donna, and Samantha.

Wow. I have a lot
of girlfriends.

The gays usually do.

What about Bennet?

Isn't your 18th birthday
a big day for you 2?

Like, you can officially
be a couple now?

Yeah, I would like
Bennet there.

Or is that too weird?

I turn 18 and try to jump him.

It's not weird.
It's wonderful...

and romantic.

I'll invite him
like it's no big deal,

so if things don't go
as planned,

you haven't put anything
out there.

I like that idea.

Good.

Wait. Are those for
my birthday?

Mm... no. Those belong
to Samantha, I think.

Are those Rolexes?

Don't these cost, like,
thousands of dollars?

There's... tons of them.

Is she fencing hot goods?

Fake hot goods?

What is that?

The fax machine.

It's from Larissa.

"Konnichiwa. Returning early.

"Miss my coffee, my loft,
and the stifling heat.

See you in a week."

A week?

She's coming home early.

Oh, no.

You know what that means.

Samantha and her crap
have to go.

I know.

It was easier said than done,
but clearly...

Done it had to be.

Uh-oh. Someone's pissy.

Is the heat getting to you?

No. I'm trying to reach Samantha
to tell her something

I don't really want
to tell her,

so I thought it might be easier
over the phone.

Ah, the phone dump,
friendship edition.

I'm not dumping her.
I just need her to...

To leave Larissa's apartment?

Walt told you?

Yeah, he needed advice to avoid
looking at her lady parts,

and I had loads of it.

Roommates can be tough.

I love Stanford,
but I gotta admit,

I'm happy that he ran off to
London to work at the Batcave,

leaving me all by my lonesome.

- The Batcave?
- Thank you.

Yes. He's very
into glam rock.

You should see his collection
of high heel boots.

So why can't you just
tell this chick to go?

Because she's not just
some chick. She's a new friend.

And also, I may have
a pathological fear

of hurting people's feelings.

And also, she came to me because
she has nowhere else to go.

I mean, I don't want her
to be homeless.

Walt was right.
You are way over thinking this.

And kind of a wuss.

He called me a wuss?

Speaking of Walt,
his birthday is this Saturday.

I know.

And I'm planning him
a little something.

This Saturday?

I'm going to that

Z100 music festival
in the park.

We're doing a feature

on this great new band,
American Authors,

and I'm supposed
to check them out.

That's, uh... so great

because that exact Z100 concert
you're talking about

is what I'm doing
for Walt's birthday.

That's awesome! I can't wait
to celebrate with Walt.

- What a coincidence.
- Perfect.

So we can meet up
in the V.I.P. Section.

Yes. Yes. Uh...
The V.I.P. Section.

I'm so excited.
My... my tickets are there, too.

I'm impressed you could even get
more than one V.I.P. Pass.

I was lucky to get one myself,
and I'm covering it.

I know, right?

Uh, good thing I planned it
so far in advance.

Yay me.

No, I get it.
There are no more tickets.

You... you don't have to
be rude.

What did you call me?

No, I didn't mean say it again.

While it looked like
my promise to Walt

would be impossible
to fulfill...

Mouse was about
to meet someone who had no trouble

fulfilling any man's wildest fantasies.

Oh, hi. I'm Mouse.

Samantha.

I figured.

I've been really looking forward
to meeting you.

Uh, don't worry. I won't
interrupt your workout.

I'm just going to be
in the kitchen,

putting stuff away
for Walt's quiche.

Oh. Are you doing
Jane Fonda?

I did that once.
My butt hurt for days.

Do you like pain?
What?

Oh, yeah.
That's right, baby.

Just like I like it.

Excuse me?

Not you, honey. I'm workin'.

You mean working out.

Huh?

Hot, baby.
You make me so hot.

What?

That's right.
There you go.

Talk tomorrow. Same time.

Ugh. Finally.

Some of them take forever.

Although that just means
more money for me.

You get paid to do butt lifts?

What? No.

I'm a phone sex operator.

I get paid to make men happy.

I do Jane while I do them.

The heavy breathing really
keeps 'em goin'

- and keeps my ass...
- Perky!

Phone sex? Huh.

Well... what's that like?

Hang on. Do you mean
you're a phone sex virgin?

Pretty much.

My boyfriend tried to initiate
it with me the other night.

Is it weird I'm telling you
this? We just met.

No. People open up to me.

Must be like talking to a nun
or something.

A very sexy, naughty nun.

I should try that
with my new phone sex guy.

Religion can be very hot.

Anyway, go on.
Phone sex, boyfriend.

I don't think I handled it
all that well.

I freaked out and hung up.

Ugh. You're a sad case.

But I can help you.

You're gonna blow
your boyfriend's mind.

I am?

And a few other things.

Being good at phone sex
is like being a good lawyer.

It's all about
leading the witness.

You say as little as possible

to get them to spill
what you want them to spill.

And what exactly do I say?

You ask them what they want,
then you let them talk.

Fill in the silences

with anything involving
the words "big" or "hot"

or something about them being
the best you've ever had.

Then throw in a few moans.

Horny guys are not
that complicated.

That must be my 2:00.

Hey there, big boy.

It's hot out, isn't it?

How do you feel about
a sexy Oriental?

She's ready and waiting
and barely legal.

Give it a try.

Go on.

Hello?

Yes.

It is hot.

Uh, big hot.

Uh, excuse me? What was that,
sir? I didn't quite hear.

I most certainly will not!

It takes practice.

You'll be fine.

You glad to be back?

Or were you having so much fun

- that you wish you were still there?
- Are you kidding?

Dylan threw up
on Space Mountain

and in that little globe thingy
at Epcot.

There's only so much vomit
I can handle.

Well, hopefully my cooking
won't induce it.

I'm a little nervous.

- What? About my cooking?
- No.

It's the first time
I'm gonna see your place.

Well, then I guess
I should be nervous.

Are you running around

and hiding
all your dirty little secrets?

Should I be?

Well, that's up to you.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Bye.

Ugh. God.

My father wondered

if he should hide the pictures
of my mother.

She wasn't
a dirty little secret.

She was the love of his life.

But he wasn't sure

if that was something
Deb would want to see.

Pepper.

I just had it.
Where's the pepper?

Keep it together, Mouse.

The last time you cooked,
the fire department showed up.

Why are you wearing
Larissa's dress?

It's an apron.

Do you think Larissa owns
an apron?

This thing was sewn
by silkworms

raised by blind Tibetan Monks
or something.

If Larissa comes back
and sees it covered in grease,

I'm a dead woman.

If you were naked in the tub

and someone asked
if you were decent,

would you let them come in?

Samantha's taking
another bubble bath?

Does she only do activities
that require nudity?

Did you tell her yet?

Don't worry.

I told her I have to talk to her
about something important.

I'll do it as soon
as she gets out of the tub.

Make sure you do.

It's only five days
until Larissa comes back.

And we got a $400 phone bill,
thanks to Sam.

Yikes!

Right.

I'm going to get my hair cut
for my event,

whatever it may be.

Yeah. Great.

Your amazing birthday event
that I have totally planned out.

Why are you acting weird?
Should I not get my hair cut?

Is that making it
too much of a big deal?

'Cause maybe we should
just forget this whole thing.

Oh, no!

No, your 18th birthday
is a huge deal.

And Bennet's going to be there.
He seemed really excited.

And I'll be there to support you
the whole time.

- Well, that helps. Thanks, Carrie.
- Don't mention it.

Now go get handsome
for your big day.

Bye.

I can't believe
you didn't tell him

you don't have anything
planned.

I can't help it

if people camp out for days
for that stupid concert.

What am I gonna do?
It's tomorrow.

You talking about
the Z100 concert?

I can get your tickets.

Wait. What? You can?

V.I.P. Tickets?

Sure.

I met Howard stern a few years
back and... rocked his mic.

We're still buds.

And now that he's
the toast of New York,

honey, he can get us in
anywhere.

Uh... seriously?

Y-you could do that?

Thank you so much.

No problem, Bambi.
It's just a simple phone call.

Wasn't there something important
you wanted to tell me?

Um... yeah.

Toilet paper.

We're out.

Maybe you could get some?

Sure thing.

What?

I can't kick her out now.
She just saved Walt's birthday.

Hello?

Hey, kiddo.

Uh, so I just got off the phone
with my client's niece,

and her schedule is packed,

but she can fit you in for
an interview tomorrow at 4:00.

Wait. Tomorrow?
As in tomorrow tomorrow?

Yeah. That's what that
usually means.

I hope that's not a problem.

Um... no.

No problem at all.
I can be there.

Thanks, dad.
I'm... I'm really excited

about the chance to go
to the new school.

You got it, sweetie.
Love you.

Crap. What's wrong? Aren't you
excited about the interview?

Well, I was,

except it's right in the middle
of the concert.

I'll just have to...

Be direct and explain to Walt

that this interview's really important.

No.

What I have to do

is figure out how to be
in two places at once.

You're never gonna
pull this off.

Sure I will.

He'll think I'm up front,
drooling over Bryan Adams.

I'll slip away for an hour,
hour and a half.

He won't even know I'm gone.

Whoo!

Carrie!

- Hey.
- Hi!

Hey, guys. Come on over.

Hi!
Hi!

Champagne and caviar
for the birthday boy.

I feel like we're on "lifestyles
of the rich and famous."

Champagne wishes
and caviar dreams.

- Cheers.
- Cheers!

Ooh! One more thing.

Ooh.

Wow! A Rolex.

Now don't you ask me
how much that cost.

I won't.

Mmm! I love caviar!

Hmm.

You always get the best stuff.

Coolness runs in the family,

as well as awesome bods.

What can I say? Only the finest,
straight from the Caspian Sea.

I got it from this Russian guy
who's obsessed with me.

He says I'm the greatest thing
that's happened to him

since escaping the Iron Curtain.

Oh, my God. Bennet's here.

Am I sweating?

Why am I so nervous?

Calm down. You look great.

Hey.

- Hi.
- Happy Birthday.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

I wanted to.
Nice haircut.

Did I get
a new hair... cut?

Maybe. I can't remember.

Oh, American Authors
are up soon.

Come up front with me?

Yeah. Sure.

♪ I don't know

Your home is lovely.

Thanks.

I'm sorry about
all the pictures.

- What?
- The pictures of my wife.

I mean, is it... is it...

Weird that I...
That I left them out? I...

No. Don't be ridiculous.

It's just,
when I'm at your place,

I don't have to stare
at pictures of your ex.

Tom, Grace is not your ex.
She died.

And... and all you have are... are...
are your beautiful memories

and pictures
of your life together.

All I have with my ex
is our son...

And an ulcer.

I would never, ever
expect you to forget her

or pretend she isn't important.

Thank you.

Wine in the afternoon.

Are you trying to
take advantage of me?

- Yep.
- Oh, good.

Who would've thought something
so slimy and scary-looking

could taste so yummy?

Only the best for my roommates.

Right. Roomies.

Do you think Donna's jealous
we've gotten so close?

Mm. It's hard to tell
with Donna.

Do you not like her?

Is it because of
that gorgeous boy

you told me you're still
in love with... Sebastian?

She didn't steal him from you,
did she?

I will put my boot up her butt.

But she's your family.

I don't count on family.

They're the ones who send you
to school without lunch money

for days on end.

Just gotta hope you can find
a friend or two.

And if Donna was
a bad friend...

She wasn't a bad friend.

We're... we're more like
casual non-enemies.

So who or what came between
you and that boy?

Maggie. My oldest friend
since kindergarten.

What happened?

Um... they kissed.

Maggie confessed it to me,
and I yelled at her.

I hope you kicked his ass, too.

I haven't spoken to him.

- I don't really know what to say.
- I do.

Tell him you are
Carrie Bradshaw

and you do not take crap
from any man.

Demanding respect is the only
way you're gonna get it.

How are you so brave?

I haven't had much of a choice.

Haven't had a lot of friends
to lean on along the way.

Well, you've got me.

♪ Feel like?

Except not right now.
I gotta go.

♪ Feel like?

But you're gonna miss
American Authors.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.
Hold on just a sec.

Oh, my God.
The Little Bastard.

Maggie.

I didn't know
you lived around here.

Now you do.

- Hey, Mikey.
- Hey!

Babysitting job.

Stay where I can see you!

I can't believe you have
a 1955 Porsche Spyder

in your driveway.

You've heard of it?

Yeah. I have two brothers.

And it is the hottest
of hot cars.

My dad bought it for us
to fix up together.

Oh, cool. Where is he? Uh, a
last minute thing came up.

His secretary called to say

he had a golf trip
to Pebble Beach.

You're alone, huh?

I know the feeling.

Did you know that today is
Walt's birthday?

Everyone is celebrating,
without me.

You noticed
I'm not there either.

Bet you regret kissing me.

You kissed me.
And yes, I do.

Shame you can't change
the past.

Yep. That never changes.

And neither do people,
even when you think they might.

Your dad bailed on you,
didn't he?

Hey, Mikey,
what did I just say?!

I gotta go. I gotta go.

Um, I'll see you later,
Sebastian.

- Good luck with your car.
- Yeah, nothing I can't handle.

♪ Shout!

♪ Shout!

♪ I've never seen you look
like this without a reason ♪

♪ another promise
fallen through ♪

♪ another season passes by you

♪ Shout!

♪ I never took the smile away
from anybody's face ♪

♪ and that's a desperate way

♪ to look for someone
who is still a child ♪

♪ and in a big country,
dreams stay with you ♪

♪ like a lover's voice
fires the mountainside ♪

♪ stay alive

♪ shout!

That was awesome.

Even better than Corey Hart,
front row.

I took Maggie last year
for our anniversary.

I've always had a huge crush
on him. Is that embarrassing?

No, it's adorable.
Corey Hart is gorgeous.

Although, last week,

I went out with this guy
who looked like him,

and he ended up being
totally creepy.

He actually did wear sunglasses
at night.

Too bad.

I hate it when that happens
on a date.

What's your worst
dating horror story

since you've been to the city?

Um...

I haven't been
on any dates.

At all?

You haven't met any guys
your age since you've been here?

No. I...

You're one of the only gay guys
I know in the city.

And I thought we... had...

some sort of connection.

Oh.
I didn't realize...

Wait. Were you waiting
because of me?

I just thought maybe today,

because it's
my 18th birthday, and...

Oh, I'm an idiot.
I...

Well, I-I didn't realize.

No, of course you didn't.

Just forget
I ever said anything.

Look, I do have feelings
for you.

- You do?
- Of course.

But when I first moved
to New York City,

I was in
a serious relationship.

And in the end, I-I felt like
I was missing out...

on everything.

I'm not ready to be exclusive,
but I know I like you,

and I think it'll fun for us
to see where this goes.

I don't... I don't know
what to say.

I feel terrible.

No, I feel terrible.

No, I mean
I really feel terrible.

My stomach is killing me.

♪ Oh, yeah

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Okay.

So it sounds like
you really learned a lot

at your job at "Interview""

I-I have.

Um...

I really feel like...

My writing has grown.

♪ Beautiful

um...

♪ Even more beautiful

is it hot in here?

Oh. Our A.C. is not
the best.

I know it's miserable.
August in New York is awful.

♪ Oh, yeah

well, on a happier note,
Ms. Bradshaw,

I think you'd make a great
candidate for the program.

Really? I... I hope so.

Um...

I think the next step for me,

as a writer,

um...

Is it, um...

Do you feel like
the room is spinning?

Uh...

I'm sorry. Are you...

Oh, no.

What's happening to us?

Have we been poisoned?

I'm sorry, Walt.

I just puked
all over your presents.

And I got you the nicest striped
Calvin Klein tie.

Hey, Walt!

Look!

Aw, man.

Make it stop. Make it stop.

How are you not sick?

I'm from the everglades.

I've had alligator roadkill
for breakfast.

Nothing can break me.

I'm gonna die here!
It's not fair!

I am too beautiful to be
a Central Park corpse!

- Aah!
- Get it together!

You... you slapped me.

Had to be done.

I'm getting you people
out of here.

Come on. Let's do this
kindergarten-style.

Single-file. Hold hands.

- No.
- Come on.

Bennet, help up Walt.
Come on, Mouse.

No barfers left behind.

Where's Carrie?

No, not again.

Ooh.

The table
is officially cleared.

He plies me with wine,
he serves hors d'oeuvres...

Well, don't get too impressed.
Dinner will be hamburger helper.

Ah.

If we even make it to dinner.

I like how you think.

Just as soon as I'm done
with these dishes.

Uh, the dishes can wait.

Right, it's just...

- Mm, these plates...
- Mm-hmm?

- have melted cheese on them.
- Mm-hmm.

And if we leave them,
they're gonna get crusty.

Yeah. Who cares?

So I... okay.

How was Pebble Beach?

Did I just hear this thing
purring like a cat?

What, you do that yourself?

Well, the guy
from the garage helped

when I needed
an extra set of hands.

Well, I'm impressed.
I guess I taught you well.

Now we can add a few grand
to the price.

What are you talking about?

Well, it turns out
that my golf buddy Steve

has wanted one of these things
for years.

He made me a great offer.

But now that you got it
up and running,

I can charge him more.

You sold our car?

Nah, it's not our car.
It's my car.

Don't you forget that.

Okay, your car.

But you said this was something
for us to work on together.

Yeah, I don't know what
I was thinking,

gettin' this thing
in the first place.

These things are
a pain in the ass.

And I don't have the time
to deal with something

this unreliable.
You know what I mean?

I do.

You mind if I take it for a spin
before it's sold?

Yeah, why the hell not?
Yeah.

Enjoy it, kid.

Sebastian wanted to say
how angry he was

that his father had
let him down.

But there were no words
that seemed adequate.

He'd have to make noise
another way.

- Come on, hon.
- - Get out of my face!

How about it, Mouse?

Think maybe you can
hold it down this time?

You are all ruining my fantasy
of being your sexy nurse.

How did this happen?

It's gotta be food poisoning,
right?

We had Thai food last night.

- Mm.
- Maybe that?

Don't...
talk about Thai food.

Maybe the champagne?

Can that give you
food poisoning?

Don't talk about the champagne.

Maybe the quiche then?

Carrie, shut the hell up
with the food talk!

There's no way
it was the quiche!

That sucker was perfect.

Then what did we eat

that's turning my stomach
into a pit of hell?

Well, I may have misled you

about the origins
of that caviar.

What... are you saying?

Let's just say it's not exactly
from the Caspian Sea.

Where is it from?

Coney Island.

I bought it off
the back of a truck,

along with 300 fake Rolexes.

What? Wait.

You did this to us?

I blame the Russian.

He assured me it was perfectly safe.

What a liar.

He's probably not even
a real Russian.

Ooh, I'm gonna kill you!
Just...

Right after I...

There. All better?

Can you please not say it
in your sexy nurse voice?

You.

Look...

- I'm really sorry.
- Oh, are you?

Are you really sorry

that I didn't get to tell
Professor Tenley

what the next step is for me
as a writer?

Did you know
I threw up three times

in the middle
of my interview today?

Three... once on her desk,
once on her lap,

and once on her shoes,
which looked Italian.

The smell of vomit...
It was... it was everywhere.

It was everywhere.

What do you mean interview?

I thought you went to get closer
to Bryan Adams.

No. I lied and didn't
tell you were I was going,

which was to an interview
that could've changed my life

because I am a wuss.

I think I'll just let you two
work things out while I...

No, I am not done with you.

Don't even touch that phone.

You are not talking to
the spanker right now.

Even this wuss has her limits, and
you have reached them.

You don't even care

that you've been living
in someone else's place,

where I am a guest,

when you were only supposed
to stay a few days.

And now you've taken over
Larissa's apartment

and made my life miserable.

So why don't you take
your tainted caviar

and get the hell out of here?

Um, I'm not sure it was
the caviar.

What?

Well, these are the eggs
I used for the quiche,

and they expired on June 15th.

I found them
in the refrigerator.

Those are Larissa's eggs,

from before she left
two months ago.

We've barely opened the fridge
since we've been here.

Well, then...

Oops.

♪ Suddenly

♪ life has new meaning to me

♪ there's beauty up above

♪ and things we never
take notice of ♪

♪ You wake up, and suddenly

♪ you're in love

I can't do this.

What's wrong?

I c... I-I can't have sex
when I know that

there is a sink full of
brie-encrusted dirty dishes

in the next room.

I know that doesn't make
any sense,

but it's driving me crazy.

Uh-huh.

So there it is...
my dirty little secret.

I hate dirty dishes.

I know. I'm nuts.

Yeah, a little.

But, uh, um, it just so happens

that insanity provoked
by dirty dishes

is exactly the kind
that I like.

♪ There's beauty up above

if you help me finish them,

we can get back
to this couch faster.

Deal. All right.
Okay.

Go. Go.

♪ You wake up, suddenly

♪ you're in love

ugh.

Samantha, I'm so sorry.

Oh, honey,
the apologies can wait

until after you're...
done.

I think I am. Finally.

You need this.

Trust me.

If you wanted me to move out,
why didn't you say so?

I'm mind-blowingly fabulous,
but I'm not a mind reader.

I know.

I should've just told you
in the first place,

just like I should've told Walt
about my stupid interview.

I could've avoided all of this.

It's like being in bed
with a man...

You can't get what you want
unless you ask for it.

But now you're gonna
be homeless.

Oh. Don't worry about
where I'm gonna live.

This is actually a much better
send-off than I'm used to.

My mom used to kick me out

- whenever a new boyfriend would move in.
- That's terrible.

Mm. She's the type of woman
who always puts men first.

But you're not like that,
Carrie.

You're a girl's girl.
That's why I like you.

So...

we're still friends?

Honey, of course.

We have to stay friends.
We wear the same size underwear.

I don't even wanna know
how you know that.

Just make me one promise.

From now on,
give it to me straight,

for your own good and mine.

I promise.
And to that point,

you better not be leaving
with any of my underwear.

Who could that be?

I'll get it.

I called the super.
You guys clogged all the pipes.

It's not
the super. It's Sebastian.

Let's make ourselves scarce.

You know what you have to do.

You have to tell him
how you feel.

Hi.

Hi.

Wow.

What happened here?

It's a very, very long story

that I am physically unable
to recount

without dire consequences.

That sounds bad.
Is there anything I can do?

You can tell me
why you're here.

Oh.

I'm not exactly sure.
Uh...

Just been going through stuff
with my dad, and...

I just...

I just wanted to see you.

To see me?

Talk to you.

About what?

I don't know. Us?

There's nothing to talk about.

Come on. You must have stuff
you wanna say to me.

I don't.

- Carrie, I know that's not true.
- I don't want to talk to you

because I don't think you wanna
hear what I have to say.

You're wrong. Whatever you
have to say, I deserve it.

Yes, you do.

- Okay, so just say it.
- Fine.

You broke me.

You broke my heart.

And I hate you
because I still love you.

And I hate myself even more
for it.

You happy?

I think you should go.

I'm sorry.

Expressing my feelings
to Sebastian

only made me feel worse.

But another couple found
expressing themselves

brought them even closer.

Ooh. Ugh. It's kinda crusty.

- Mnh.
- Does that freak you out?

- Get it away from me.
- Huh?

Have you ever considered
consulting a doctor

about your dish-order?

You're lucky you're so cute

and that I'm so high
on Haagen-Dazs,

'cause that's the corniest joke
I ever heard.

No, seriously. We should
be proud of ourselves.

We communicated honestly
and we were able to avoid

what might've been
a major dish-aster.

Just wait until I learn
one of your weird pet peeves.

You're gonna be waitin' a long
time because I don't have any.

- Come on.
- Seriously.

I'm just not the kind of guy
who gets bothered easily.

Especially petty things like...

Um, wait. What... why are you
putting the bowls on the top?

'Cause that's where it belongs.

No. No.
Bowls go on the bottom.

They go on the top.
That's where they fit better.

- Bottom.
- Top.

Uh-oh.

Is this gonna be a bowl
of contention between us?

Yeah, man.

When are you
coming back? I'm worried sick.

Did the car break down?

The car's fine, dad.
And I am, too, by the way.

Well, then get home.

The shippers are coming
to pick up that car tonight.

Dad, hear me out for a sec.

What if we don't sell the car?

I mean, remember how we used to
dream of having one of these?

- Maybe we could...
- No, that's ridiculous.

Don't be a spoiled snot.
And bring the car back here.

What, that brand-new Porsche
that you tool around in

isn't enough?

Dad, it's not about the car.

No, it's not about the car.

It's about doing what I say.

Now just get that car
back here, please.

Sebastian couldn't tell
his father how he really felt...

That for him,
it wasn't just a car.

It was a reminder of a time
when they were close.

Man, check this out.

And while Sebastian was
keeping his feelings inside

and acting out,

the next morning, Walt decided
it was time to open up.

Where is everybody?

They went to get some fresh air

and escape
the House of Horrors.

That's probably a good idea.

Penny for your thoughts.

Or, uh,

do I not want to know?

I want you to know.

I wanna be with you,

even though there are
no guarantees.

Are you sure?

Watching Carrie with Sebastian,

I realized even when you make
promises, things can go wrong,

straight or gay.

I wanted
an exclusive relationship

because it felt safe to me,

but the truth is, there's
no guarantee it will work out,

no matter how we define it.

And at least what I feel
with you is finally real.

I'm not hiding.

I wanna see what this is.

I guess the question is,
do you?

I do.

Uh...

Don't worry.
I-I just brushed my teeth.

- Me, too.
- Good.

- Hey, you.
- Mm.

Ah. How was your weekend, huh?

Do you have something
you need to tell me?

Well, I guess you heard
about my interview.

I sure did.

Professor Tenley told me

that she was
extremely impressed.

Wait. She what?

She couldn't believe
that you showed up,

given your obvious illness,
and she thinks that

that kind of dedication
deserves a second chance.

So she wants you
to call her office

and set up another interview.

I can't believe it.

You didn't tell me that
you were sick.

What happened?
Are you okay?

Oh, I got food poisoning.

How? What happened?

Mm.

Can I tell you
the gruesome details later?

I'm still a little...
fragile.

Got it. All right, well, can I
interest you in Sunday dinner?

As long as it's not quiche
or caviar.

It will definitely not be that.
I guarantee it. Um...

Since it is just the two of us,

eh, how about...

Frozen waffles?

Mmm. With butter?

Pfft.

Perfect.

♪ And in a big country

Why are the bowls on top?

Maple syrup. Where do we...
Yeah, down here.

♪ Mountainside

♪ stay alive