The Cabin with Bert Kreischer (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Mind, Body and Soul - full transcript

So, what was this?

- It was an emu.
- What's an emu?

- Australia's national animal.
- Stand back.

Oh, my God, feel that chest plate.

We need something more powerful.

My name's Bert Kreischer.

I'm a father, husband
and stand-up comedian

and I jam way too much into my days.

I do stand-up, hang out with friends
in the green room,

Drink. Engage with fans, drink more,
get a veggie burrito.

I'm working on my diet.
Get another burrito,



They're kinda healthy. Go home.

Talk to my family,
do something nice for LeeAnn,

do a podcast on parallel universes,

do bicep curls, do Georgia's homework,
work on my moves, do Ila's homework,

don't understand it but close enough,
spend time with Izzy.

Good girl! Go to New York,
spread out and get comfy,

taxi on the runway for 20 minutes,
but it's all good.

Chug a beer at a hockey game,
get on the Jumbotron, get on a helicopter,

go to Chicago, three shows, three encores,

go back to the airport, fly home,
pass out face-first on the lawn,

hit rock bottom.

Have a heart-to-heart talk with LeeAnn,

tell her I'm fine, but deep down
I know my lifestyle's catching up with me

and if I keep going like this,
I'll have a heart attack.



I'll take some time away,
go to the wilderness, I'll eat, I'll pray,

I'll love, I'll journal,
meditate, hydrate, contemplate, isolate.

I'll get better.

I promise.

LeeAnn's whole mantra for 2020
is mind-body-spirit, that's her mantra.

She said I've done so much in therapy

and in reading books
for my mind and my spirit,

that I realized my body is down here

and I said, "You know, my body's
probably my strongest attribute."

She goes, "Honey, if you think your body's
stronger than your mind and your spirit,

you need fucking help."

Her reaction was worse than yours.

LeeAnn's concern has always been
that I'm not living a grounded life.

I'm just in this world where it's,
like, a tour bus, booze,

parties, meet and greet, show.

- You know?
- You're doing too much.

- It's the law of diminishing returns.
- How hard do you think I push it?

Like with working, with touring,
with partying, with everything.

- You push it too hard.
- You think?

Space it out more.
Don't do it all at once.

But, then again, this is your time.

- Yeah.
- This will never happen again.

- Thank you.
- So that's the other side.

I'm older than you are.

I have to watch myself a little more,
you are still young dogs,

but you still gotta watch yourselves.

- Bert!
- Come in.

- Where are you?
- I'm up here.

- What are you doing?
- I've got an IV

- and having a drink. Come up.
- What kind of opium den did you rent?

Cool, you got my memo: "Dress like
a Raiders fan on a camping trip."

- It's a nice cabin.
- Beautiful, isn't it?

Kind of.

- Don't you hate the decor?
- I fucking love it.

- Take a look at that.
- Jesus Christ!

- Right?
- Bunch of orgies probably happened here.

We gotta get a picture
of us naked on that.

Yeah, maybe just you.

Dude, it is so cold in here
and the IV fluid's so cold.

- Yeah.
- Like, I can feel it freezing my arm.

Is the IV necessary to start the day?

Isn't it usually, like, after?

- I'm getting in front of the problem.
- That's good.

I feel like
I'm at a mental patient's...

Hold it high so the blood goes in.

Can you hold it higher?
I'm getting blood in my thing.

- Squeeze? Hard?
- Squeeze it.

Wait. You squeeze, I'll show
you what happens when you do.

Okay.

Stop it.
Don't do it. It hurts so bad.

- Don't squeeze.
- Can I pull that cord?

No!

- Hey, babe!
- How you doing?

I'm good. How's everything going?

Yeah. Honestly, everything's been great.

Aw! That's awesome!

Sometimes it's really great
to just unplug,

and be alone.

Yeah...
I wanted to talk to you about that.

Okay, talk to me about what?

Okay, so you're not going to like
how this sounds...

...but I've decided to turn this
a little bit into a TV show.

Turning what into a TV show exactly?

Hear me out, okay?

You remember we talked about
I needed to find balance?

Like, between work and relaxation?

- Yes.
- Okay, so I figured

if I came here and just relaxed,
I would find no balance.

So, in order to find balance, I figured
if I sprinkle in just a tidbit of work,

I can find balance
and that is what this show's about.

I think the show may be about
Bert Kreischer losing his marriage.

- That could be a good show too.
- You gave me this long speech

about how you needed to make a change,

and now you are doing the same stuff.

You can't relax, you can't be by yourself,
and now you've created this TV show

so that you have to neither relax
nor be by yourself.

Let me guess, you've invited people,
haven't you?

- I did.
- I knew it!

I knew you did that.

Tom's already here.

Joey's on his way.

You'll never change
if you do the same stuff

over and over.

This is good for me.
I'm not your average dude.

I have a very complicated system.

If I do any change,
it's got to be in small bites,

and I can't just come up here,
relax not work.

I will not relax if I'm not working
just a bit.

I swear to God, I will come back
and I will learn how to relax.

I promise.

Just get it out of your system.

I will. Remember,
I have a very complicated system.

Very complicated.

Yeah.
There's a lot going on in here, baby.

I love you.

I love you too.

Take a look at this.
You'll fucking love this.

- What is that?
- This is dinner.

- Dinner?
- Yeah.

It's about body.
Lean protein, clean body.

Fucking shit!

Oh! Fucking shit!

Holy shit!

- Holy shit!
- Oh, oh...

Oh, fuck!

Oh, God, I can't do it!

I can't do this!

To flip open a cooler lid
and see a bird broken six ways,

stuffed in there on ice...

No, man.

- Look at the feet. If you just...
- I missed those.

Yeah, fucking... Yeah, that?
That stood out first.

The fucking pterodactyl claw
sticking out of the cooler?

- I knew we had an emu coming.
- You did?

We wanted a deer,
then we thought a hog,

but, like, for some reason,
I thought it would be skinned

and we'd have all the meat
and chop it up.

- I didn't know we'd get the full bird.
- The full bird. Yeah.

- I'm being dead serious.
- Yeah?

I don't think I can butcher this thing.

I would love to try.

- Of course you would.
- I want to do it.

- How should I carry it?
- Put it over your back?

You know, like over your shoulders.

- Can you throw it on your shoulder?
- I'm trying.

Squat! You did CrossFit once.

There you go. Yes, you got it!

This is how Henson started the Muppets.

- Here.
- Fuck!

- There?
- Yeah.

Ho-ho. Don't go deep. That's deep.

Oh, my God!
I thought you were joke-gagging.

What did you cut?
What did you cut, Tom?

- That smelled... It stunk, dude.
- That smelled terrible.

It smelled fucking horrific.

Oh, God!

We did it wrong.

We shouldn't have cut
the intestine.

I think you cut right through its asshole.

I think you told me to.

- Look who just showed up.
- Oh, man.

The fuck is this?

- Lunch.
- Are you serious?

That's what you're cooking?

It couldn't have been more perfect,
Joey walking in as we were slaughtering...

That was the worst thing
I've ever seen.

I almost ran the fuck out of here.

If I had my car, you'd have heard...

Tom, where are you from?

- Peru.
- You see what happens

when you grow up
in these Third World nations?

Me and Bert can't handle this shit,

but these motherfuckers do this.
It's in their DNA,

cutting chickens up and fucking...

- He skinned that perfectly.
- Perfectly.

You know, Joey, he did it
with no insight, no YouTube,

he did it instinctually.

I was pulling feathers off
and he was like, "No, we do it this way."

"That way."
I had an accent?

"Listen, my ancestors do it this way."

I was like, "What's happening to you?"

Hold on!

- Where am I cutting it?
- No idea.

- Why don't I cut here?
- Why?

You want the leg,
like the meat, the nice fat.

Up there?

Yeah, up there. Right there.

Oh, fuck.

- Didn't you like it?
- I did not. It scared me.

- Really?
- I don't like...

I could've done that for days.

- Look at that.
- Now, is that what you eat?

- Yeah.
- No other meat?

Some of it we can eat.

Not we,
unless you got a mouse in your pocket.

There's no we. I'm not eating this shit.

- How you doing?
- What's going on? How are you?

- You delivered this?
- Yes.

- Thank you.
- Not a problem.

Come on in.

- So, this is what we've done so far.
- We didn't...

- We're not that experienced.
- You fucked it up.

- Did we?
- Yeah.

Can you chop it up for us
and get us good pieces?

- I can try, yeah.
- If he's afraid of eating emu...

- He'll be all right.
- It's good eating, right?

It's like a turkey, man.

- It's like a turkey.
- It's like a chicken.

If you think I'm eating
that nasty motherfucker...

- It looks good right now.
- No, it don't.

- It looks good.
- Looks like something Mad Max would eat.

You know what you're doing?

Yeah, I saw it on Food Network.

- All right. I think we can tie it.
- Cut it?

I'm impressed, Bert.

Looks pretty good.

Crank up the fire.

Let's clean off.
I got a spiritual healer coming

to rub some crystals on us.

Clear our spirits
since we just murdered an animal.

We'll clean up spiritually, physically.

- That's it.
- Sounds good.

Yeah.

What I'm going to do is I'm going
to take a pendulum, if your chakra's open,

- closed or over-stimulated...
- My liver...

My liver will need help, my heart.

Make sure all the stroke arteries
are good.

You're saying the physical realm.

This is more the emotional realm.

- I'm an emotional wreck.
- Okay, let's tune you up.

Okay, so we're going to go ahead
and just swipe over your auric field

- and cut any energetic chords.
- I felt that.

- Right?
- I felt it in my groin.

Is that normal?

There's probably a lot of clearing
that needs to happen here.

- From, like, pent up... Yeah.
- Sexual...

- Yeah.
- Repression.

You seemed to actually...
You were reacting, like...

It was real.
I felt it hit my balls first.

I went, "That's just me.
Hot chick near my balls,

of course it'll react."

- He has a lot of repressed sexual desires.
- Oh, my gosh.

I'm married.

He's repressed like all of us,
we're married.

We wanna tie our wives up,
spit on their feet,

drag them through the house,
but now they're married

so you can't do
those sexual things no more.

Is there any better feeling than
introducing Joey to a stranger?

- No.
- What do you think Madison was thinking

when she was listening to Joey?

- She was in love with you.
- She'd never met anyone like you.

You gotta tell them the truth.

I was raised around women,
by a single mom.

My mom would play cards with these women
on Tuesday nights

and they would talk about their husbands
falling asleep

eating their pussies.

And I'd be, like, five
playing with my G.I. Joe going,

"Who falls asleep eating a pussy?"
I didn't know what a pussy was.

Anyway, I'm way better with women
than I am with men.

I don't care. I'll say whatever
I have to in front of a woman.

That's what's going on with him.

He's married.
No more playing with your monkey.

I can't cum on your forehead.
That shit ends.

Once they have a kid,
you're really doomed.

God forbid you want a piece
in the afternoon.

When you started dating them,
they'd blow you behind White Castle.

Now ask for a blowjob behind Morton's
and see what you get.

I don't think I need a cleansing.

No, that's it.
That's the fucking cleansing.

- I'm sorry, ma'am. I get emotional.
- No.

I'm ready to work on your sacral chakra.

- Yeah, do work on his mind.
- Okay.

- Okay, so let's lay some crystals on you.
- Let's blast those open.

- Did you enjoy it?
- I loved it. I love that shit though.

- Did you feel different after?
- Yeah, I love that shit.

I really love it.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Yes.

What if we put some stones around emu,
to make sure...

- It's a great idea.
- ...that we don't get the reverse curse.

- The fucking...
- Let me show you what we did.

How long
do I let these things bake?

- Keep chilling. It takes a while.
- It does. Relax.

- See you later.
- I can't move.

- I don't want to knock these off.
- Don't!

Then you're really screwed.

The cigar guy
should be showing up soon.

- How's it going so far?
- I really have a clear head.

I think this relaxation thing
was a great idea.

- How are Tom and Joey?
- Joey was a little freaked out,

but he's good now, we're all good.

- Why was Joey freaked out?
- Tom and I field dressed an emu.

- You did what?
- Yeah, we cut up an emu with a chainsaw

and then Tom and I were doing these bits
with its paws...

- What?
- ...then Joey got freaked out.

His paws. His, like, talons.

Please tell me
you're at least eating it.

- I got it on a spit right now.
- Good.

I got a guy rolling cigars now outside.

They're with him.
I'm going to go meet up with them

- and have a cigar.
- All right, babe. I love you. Have fun.

- I'm Omar.
- Antonio Diaz.

- Nice to meet you.
- Tomas. Nice to meet you.

What's up, Tomas?

What's this?

This is a blend of the soft,
middle, and strong tobacco.

Depending on what kind of cigar
you want to make...

If you want a stronger one,
which one do you use?

This one.

- That one is the strongest?
- Yes.

I thought what we'd do
is roll three regular cigars

and then one mega joint.

- Perfect.
- Ask him if we can roll them now...

but can we smoke them now?

All right, hold on.

Can we roll them now,
then smoke them now?

Wait, you speak English?

You speak English?

You assholes are out here like
I'm a fucking settler showing up, going,

"I'm gonna teach you Christianity."

- Are you Cuban?
- I'm Cuban.

No, he's Pakistani.
Yeah, he's fucking Cuban.

This is my weak-ass workaround:

Body, healthy emu.

Spirit, crystals.

Mind...

This is why I brought the guy out.

I want the cigars
because I believe it's a meditation

to have cigars with your friends
and bullshit like we are,

but I did buy an ounce of marijuana
so we could roll this joint.

Cómo se dice, "Can you roll a fat joint?"

With that thing.

- You want a cigar full of marijuana?
- Yes.

- Uh?
- Uh?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Do you like torpedo style?

Torpedo is the...

Like a point, like a bullet style.

I like big ring gauge. I'm a size queen.

Like a 60 ring gauge?

Sixty's pretty big. I'll take 60.

That's what this guy loves.

I don't know what he said.

He don't know nothing.

You just nod.

You guys are
two of the most hilarious comics,

but you guys also
are Spanish-speaking.

What part of your heritage
defines your sense of humor?

Ninety percent.

You're never going to get
the Cuban man out of you.

Never. My mother had a bar

and it was entertainment based.

It was pre-revolutionary Cubans,
you know, and they're cold-blooded.

Their comedy is what takes my mind now.

Their style of comedy, like,
the words they said.

Oh, boy.

This guy is freaky deaky.

- I'm freaky deaky?
- Yeah

The sense of humor storytelling
stuff is all from the Latin side.

Like my mom is hilarious.

Most of that funny storytelling
is in Spanish.

It stays with you.

Tell him that in Cuba, there was a guy
called "The Cuban Superman".

His dick was 18 inches long soft.

What are you guys saying?

There was a guy in Cuba
called the Superman of Cuba.

He was a gardener in the day,

but at night he did shows
at a Chinese restaurant.

And he had an 18-inch dick cold.

And what they would do is...

Americans, listen to me,
look it up right now:

Superman of Cuba.

He did five shows a night for $20.

- Guess who his number one fan was.
- Who?

Marlon Brando.

Marlon Brando would go there
with the two showgirls and leave with him.

Is this true?

Yeah.

You were talking to Omar
before I showed up.

He had an incredible story.
He came here on a raft.

After the first day, a wave
knocked all the water and food out.

In the middle of the Atlantic.

Coast Guard got them 15 miles outside
of Key West,

took them back to Guantanamo Bay,

which is a death sentence.

He got investigated by the FBI,

'cause he wanted
to come to the States.

Your options are horrific.

You know, think of having to get on a raft
with your friends.

Us three fucking morons
get on a raft in Cuba.

You're taking a chance,

you might end up in the Bahamas,
the Dominican Republic...

It's an incredible story,
he lost a friend on that raft.

So next time your fucking flight's delayed
and you think, "I'm having a bad day!"

Think about that Cuban dude on a raft
fighting for his fucking life.

Then he's doing this cigar business
that his dad and his granddad did

and now he's rolling you crazy blunts.

It's got to be weird for him to get
to this country from a raft and be like,

"Yeah, sure, you want me
to roll you a joint?

This is what life is here?
This is the dream?"

A cigar is how I relax. For real.

- I like cigars.
- It's like a bit of a medit...

I used to say in Florida,
laying out in the sun was like meditation.

- Yeah.
- But now as an adult, older person,

I get a cigar, sit out back,
and it's like the time when you slow down.

And let your mind catch up
with everything else.

For you people at home, live and learn.
This is what you should be doing.

Not opiates and other garbage
you're putting into your body.

"Oh, my back hurts." Go fuck yourself.

Smoke one of these.

Your back won't hurt no more.

- Holy shit.
- Look at that.

- This guy's good. That's nice.
- That's a half ounce.

We'll see the devil.

What made this special today,
was soul, body and mind

and all that bullshit,

but it was the laughter we shared.
That's the soul.

You could come here
with a thousand stones.

You could put a thousand fingers
up my ass.

You could do whatever you want, nothing
heals the soul like what we did today.

- How's that?
- Very strong.

This was a bad idea.
This is already a bad idea.

It's not! It's natural.

I'll tell you what's a bad fucking idea.
One time in Reno,

I was in San Francisco and I robbed...

I don't even need the story.
I love it when you just do my mind.

You giggle...

...like a kid that doesn't have
to stay for all the classes.

And it's fun to be around.

You see those kids
and realize why people keep them.

First, you giggle
the exact same way I do.

Yeah, you do.

- Not like you.
- That's why I had you guys come up here,

'cause you and I giggle together
but we don't giggle harder

- at anyone than Joey.
- Than Joey.

- Tremendous.
- He really did do a great job.

- Look at how tight that roll is.
- He's a keeper.

You better tell the crew
we're going into overtime.

Ooh!

- Look.
- How juicy is that piece?

- Oh, my.
- That fat...

- Fuck, that's a sharp knife.
- Oh...

You cut yourself?

Not sure, I'm pretty high.

This actually looks really fucking good.

It looks good.

- Looks fucking great.
- Take a bite.

- I will.
- What's bleeding, your finger?

I don't know. Something's bleeding.

It's the meat. I think, the middle,
it's not as cooked as the outside.

When I Googled it, I'm pretty sure
you can eat it medium rare.

- Pretty good.
- Isn't that amazing?

- It's pretty good.
- I had better fucking food in prison.

You know that? Fucking Emu.
Whose idea was this?

Clean body. Clean... Clean body.

You can't say "body"?

My mind's fucked, but my body's perfect.

We ain't finished yet.

I'm really fucked up.

- I feel like I'm where you used to be.
- You are.

Oh God. I don't think this is
the weekend LeeAnn had planned for me.

Hey, honey.

Hey.

How are you doing?

- What?
- How are you doing?

I am perfect.
We smoked a weed cigar tonight.

It might be the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen in my life.

- I have to say you look pretty relaxed.
- I feel perfect now.

I feel absolutely per...
I feel like a monk.

Have you learned anything?
Enlighten me.

Well, the Superman of Cuba
had an 18-inch dick cold.

- Oh, my God.
- And he fucked Marlon Brando.

- Okay. Well, good night, babe.
- Good night, baby. I love you.