The Brink (2015): Season 1, Episode 9 - Just a Little Crazy Talk - full transcript
(theme music playing)
♪
(gun cocks)
(cell phone ringing)
Would you mind terribly
if I answered this?
Give me that phone!
Of course.
Don't shoot.
I'm handing him my phone. The
embassy's been overrun by the army.
They're about to take me hostage.
They're going to kill Rafiq!
You're on speaker.
Who am I speaking to?
US Secretary of State,
Walter Larson. Who's this?
I am General Ahmed Ali
of the Pakistan Armed Forces.
It's Ahmed Ali, Zaman's
highest-ranking general.
Get me everything you can.
(toilet flushes)
- Shit! Listen, General--
- No, you listen.
In a few minutes,
you will see our flag
flying above
what was once your embassy.
We're also taking your highest-remaining
diplomat into custody.
- He means me, sir!
- General? I highly recommend
you don't kidnap
an American dignitary.
Mr. Secretary,
seeing as you kidnapped
seven of our nation's
glorious children,
I'm showing
a great deal of restraint.
General, let's negotiate.
What do you want? Anything
is on the table, I mean it.
I'm sorry. Pakistan does not
negotiate with terrorists.
- Goodbye, Mr. Secretary.
- Wait, wait, wait!
In 60 seconds, the ambassador's
secure line will ring.
It's encrypted. No ISI, no CIA.
Just you and me.
General, we know that wasn't
a goddamn earthquake.
If Zaman tries to launch another
missile, we will obliterate you.
You have a choice--
watch your country
get carpet-bombed
back to the Stone Age
by the entire US Fifth Fleet,
or become the next
president of Pakistan.
(mouths)
- I must hang up now.
Both: No, don't hang up!
- Walter!
- No!
_
You see whose plane
they have us in?
Who knows, man? I--
Tilson, Taylor,
hold up a minute.
- Sir?
- I'm sorry, but you're grounded.
- What are you talking about?
- We got protocols, Commander.
You were both
prisoners of war.
- We were?
- Before you get back up there,
you gotta take a med test,
you gotta pass a psych exam.
Come on,
that's bullshit, sir!
We were prisoners
of a couple of cannibal freaks
- who tried to kill each other.
- And fuck us.
Screw the red tape, sir.
Everybody else is up there.
Look, it's not up to me.
This came from the top.
Admiral McBride doesn't want you to fly.
- Man, fuck the admiral!
- Whoa, dude.
(cell phone ringing)
- Come on, come on, answer, answer.
- Thank you.
Confirmed.
The plan is in motion.
Fax is on its way to Talbot.
Good. General?
General?
Ahmed:
Speak quickly, Mr. Secretary.
Zaman is expecting
to see the flag of Pakistan
flying above this building
at any moment.
General, I can give you the full
backing of the United States,
plus anything you might need
on a personal level.
Sir, we really
shouldn't be in here.
Even if I agreed
to this plan,
I could not arrest Zaman
and take power
without the support of all the generals.
It is not possible.
Which is why I've made contact
with Zaman's former psychiatrist.
The fax he's sending you
right now is filled
with the man's darkest
psycho-sexual secrets.
What use would I have
for that?
I want you to use it to
convince the other generals.
Alex: Tell Hassan
it might be time
to make the leap into the
present and buy a scanner.
Okay, thank you, Uncle,
for saving our lives.
All right, that's
everything I have on Zaman.
30 pages of the craziest rantings
of a certifiable psychopath
you will ever have
the misfortune of reading.
Thank you, Hassan!
Praise God, I hope I never
hear that voice again.
Listen, Uncle, Fareeda
and the girls
were taken to Bagram
Air Force Base in Afghanistan.
What are you talking about?
Fareeda and the girls are with
your mother and father at the cabin.
What?
Are you sure?
I just spoke with them. A helicopter
dropped her and the girls off.
Blew away
your mother's berry garden.
She was not pleased.
Now I must go.
My decaf milky tea is ready.
No, wait, Uncle! The Americans
are going to start bombing!
You need to get out of there!
You need to get to the cabin.
Locked in a small cabin with
seven screaming teenage girls?
I'll take my chances here.
Thank you. God be with us.
(scanner humming)
Fareeda is
at my uncle's cabin?
Hmm? Oh, yeah. Before I almost
just took a bullet for you,
I was bribing the pilots,
getting your sister
and the girls to safety, sacrificing
my retirement fund to the karma gods.
But, you know, whatever.
No big deal.
Thank you
for cleaning up the mess
that you've created
to begin with.
(scanner makes slicing sound)
Let's do this.
Walter: I'll give you the
same deal I gave Raja,
spy satellites and all.
I also want
a nuclear ballistic submarine.
Fuck me.
And two giraffes
for our national zoo.
One male, one female.
Every time I take my daughter,
she says, "Papa,
where are the giraffes?"
Done!
Write down "giraffes."
- Giraffes?
- I'll explain later.
Now, what was in it
for Raja, personally?
$200 million.
And it goes without saying
that you will
restart military aid
to my country immediately.
Goes without saying,
but no more crazy talk.
No more stirring up
the peasants.
That's what led to this mess.
Maybe just a little
crazy talk.
This is Pakistan, after all.
Fine, but only the normal amount,
like we've always agreed to.
Not this off-the-deep-end,
nuke-Israel shit.
Once Walter closes this deal, that's it.
I'm gone. Off to Paris.
Gorgeous women, delicious pastries.
It's gonna be sweet.
Yeah, I'll miss you, too.
I also need
those seven schoolgirls.
I can't give you
the schoolgirls.
Then we have no deal.
How about I try to kill you?
- Come again?
- We bomb your house.
You're not in it
at the time, of course.
We issue a public apology,
you reject the apology.
You're perceived as your
own man, not our puppet.
It's the next best thing
to martyrdom.
But I just renovated
the entire second floor.
We already laid down
all the plumbing.
I could blow up your car
with a drone.
(cell phone ringing)
Zaman is calling me now.
General,
do we have a deal or not?
One second.
(both speaking Urdu)
(speaks Urdu)
General, what did you
just say to him?
I told him that we've stormed the
embassy, taken the ambassador,
and safely retrieved
those girls.
- You have made the right choice.
- Yes!
Blow up my car
and we have a deal.
My lease is up anyway.
Excellent! It is true.
Zaman is insane.
He's planning to launch
another missile at Israel.
I keep telling him that our goal
is not to obliterate Israel.
It's to obliterate India.
Let's discuss that
after you take power.
Now, go arrest
that son of a bitch.
Talbot will go with you
as my eyes and ears.
I'll need his signal
that you've succeeded.
- Good luck.
- I will need it.
And before you go, General, put
Talbot on the phone, please.
It's for you.
Sorry about the guns earlier.
(speaks Urdu)
Walter: Larson!
- Sir, I think our secret is out.
Pierce is alerting
the Secret Service!
Talbot, are you sitting
at the ambassador's desk?
Yes, sir.
There should be a humidor
somewhere around.
Uh, yes, sir.
I'm looking right at it.
It was a gift from Pierce to all
of our ambassadors in the region,
when he got confirmed
for DOD.
Okay, you want me
to spark one up?
What are we celebrating?
My impending Parisian transferral?
Talbot, when this thing is
over, I will transfer you
- wherever your heart desires.
- Nice!
Now open it up.
Remove the top tray.
Okay, what am I looking for?
You'll know it
when you see it.
Oh.
Look, I need you
to go with the general.
If this thing goes south, you're going
to shoot Zaman in the fucking head.
Show me what
you're made of, Talbot.
Uh...
Shit.
(door rattles)
(beeps)
Let me know how it turns out.
Sir, we've been asked to escort
you out of the West Wing.
Not a problem.
I'm leaving.
It's like rush hour at the
Dulles Airport up there.
Tell Harry Truman this is
our goddamn air space.
I'm running the biggest aerial
attack since Shock and Awe,
and my targeting intel
is for shit!
Sir, Lieutenant Commander Zeke
Tilson has requested to see you.
Make it fast.
Tilson, I am up
to my elbows in pig shit.
I got a four-star
at Central Command on hold,
but, please,
step your entitled ass up.
What can the Navy
do for you today?
Permission to speak
freely, sir.
Just fuckin' talk, pilot.
Sir, you gotta let me
back up in the air.
These reintegration protocols
and psych tests,
you know it's just
red-tape bullshit.
I like red-tape bullshit.
I use it to keep fuck-ups
like you out of my way.
All due respect, sir,
I'm your best goddamn pilot.
Tilson, right now,
you're my worst goddamn pilot.
My best pilots don't piss
positive for opiates.
My best pilots don't get
their asses shot down.
My best pilots
don't blow up Indian drones
and put my spotless
naval record at risk!
Is that what this
is about, sir?
This is about the fact
that, as of now,
your naval career is over.
You are a goddamn piece of gum
that got stuck
on the bottom of my shoe,
and the time has come to toss
that fuckin' shoe in the trash!
- Sir, please--
- You want to help this war, son?
Jump off the fuckin' ship.
Now, get the hell out of here!
I got a war to run.
(braying)
- What happens after I shoot him?
- His guys shoot you.
- We need a plan B!
- You are plan B.
- I hate plan B!
- It's an honor to die for your country.
It's not my country!
It's your country.
- Maybe you should do it.
- Okay. No, I'm good--
- No, please, let me give
you this gift. - No.
It's like letting a Jew
kill Hitler.
He gave the gun to you.
It's your gun.
He wanted you to do it.
You, Alex Talbot,
you're going to change
the course of history.
- Oh, God.
- Honestly, I'm jealous.
- Oh, God.
- You okay?
I'm hyperventilating.
Okay, as long as you
can use your hands.
- I don't think I can do it.
- You can do this.
- I don't think I can.
- You can do it.
- You think I can?
- I know you can--
- I can't do it!
- You can do it, okay?
- I don't think I can!
- You're gonna do this!
- You're gonna be there?
- Yes, I will be there.
- Okay, we'll do this together.
- You'll do it.
- But you'll be there?
- But I'll be in the area.
_
Your husband's outside
and wants to talk--
- I need a favor. - I just heard
that the White House physician
had to put three stitches
in Pierce's forehead.
What? Oh, my God.
Is he okay?
Damn it, Walter. Madeleine Albright
never body slammed anyone.
- Not that we know of.
- It is amazing that you still have a job.
I know, really.
More importantly,
I just convinced one of
Amir Zaman's top generals
to arrest him
and take power in Pakistan.
- Which one?
- Ahmed Ali. Do you know him?
Yeah, that guy's insane.
All he wants to do is nuke India.
I know, but I can only deal with one
nuclear crisis at a time, Joanne.
Right now, I need your help
to get to Pierce.
He's the only one that can convince
the president to call off Infinite Wisdom.
And you think Pierce is going
to give you the time of day
after what
you just did to him?
That's why I need you,
to get him to trust me.
- I don't even trust you.
- Joanne!
I am not Kendra.
I don't work for you.
Please, comprehend the fact that
I have my own real-person job,
a real-person job that I am
trying desperately to keep.
So, no, I can't do
any more favors for you.
You wanted to keep our lives separate?
This is what separate means.
By separate, I just meant
you could sleep with Billy.
And you could sleep
with Asian hookers,
Urdu translators,
and Heidi from the hotel.
How do you know about Heidi?
That just happened.
I work for the DOD, and your
pilot is an Air Force major.
And how were you able to do that,
anyway, right after you had surgery?
Trust me,
Heidi was very disappointed.
This isn't working
for me anymore.
- Is it working for you?
- Not at this moment, no.
Listen, Joanne, this is a very
thought-provoking conversation,
but can we table it, please?
Pakistan just set off a nuclear device.
- What the fu-- When?
- About an hour ago.
We got bombers in the air.
I need to talk to Pierce.
I'll get Pierce
out of the Sit Room.
That's all we need.
Don't say "we."
My marriage is trashed. Gail
never wants to see me again.
Now, my career
is in the fucking toilet!
(banging)
What's the point, man?
Are you drinking Listerine?
No, man, Blue Curaçao.
Keep it
in a mouthwash bottle.
That's genius.
(laughs)
- You know what, Glenn?
- What's that, man?
We've been looking at this thing
completely fuckin' backwards.
We're not grounded.
We're free, man!
Plus, we're going
to be rolling in it,
thanks to...
boner dude!
Yes!
(laughs)
- We got plans!
- We got hard plans.
We gotta stop staring at our toes and
start staring at the fuckin' moon!
That's what I'm saying!
(both shouting)
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Don't drink it all, man!
Dude!
(groans)
(speaking Urdu)
(shouts in Urdu)
Translate.
Okay, I'm trying.
It's just...
They're all talking
over each other.
- Just give me the gist!
- Okay, all right.
The general has informed
Zaman of his betrayal,
and he is trying to convince the
other generals to side with him.
Oh, God, it's on.
He's saying that
without US foreign aid,
Pakistan will fall
under India's control.
Uh-huh.
Are they going for it?
Mm, they seem receptive.
(shouting in Urdu)
What, what, what?
Okay, he's saying
you and I are proof
that when
he becomes president,
US foreign aid will be
reinstated immediately.
Okay, why is Zaman
pointing at us?
Okay, so Zaman is saying that the
only thing you and I are proof of,
is that the general
is a puppet of the US.
No, no, not a puppet.
He's his own man!
(all arguing)
So, the general is now
arresting Zaman.
- Done deal. Done deal?
- No, no, no.
(all shouting)
(guns cocking)
Zaman is now arresting
the general.
There seems to be some confusion
as to who's arresting whom,
and if you and I
are going to be killed.
Jesus. Which way is
this thing going to go?
(all shouting)
It's a little bit
of a loose ball.
Fuck!
Wait, wait.
Our guy might have a deal.
We might have a deal?
(men shouting)
(guns cocking)
Never mind.
What happened?
I thought our guy had a deal.
- No, no, no, no.
- You said we might have a deal!
It unraveled, it unraveled.
I can't take this.
I can't take it, I can't
take it, I can't take it!
Shit. I think we're going
to have to go to plan B.
- Right now?
- Right now.
I can't.
No, I don't think I can.
- I think that you can.
- I don't think I can.
- Right now, do it.
- I don't think I can.
I think you can do it.
All right, Joanne, what is it? I'm right
in the middle of a major operation.
- I understand. Actually, Walter--
- Larson?
What the hell
is he doing here?
- I come in peace.
- You better stay away from me.
All he understands
is violence.
- I don't speak to him.
- Tell him I'm sorry.
He's very sorry.
Tell him I'm racked
with guilt.
- He's racked with guilt. - Tell him
I said he should go fuck himself.
Fuck yourself. Mr. Secretary,
just hear him out.
He has a crucial
new piece of information.
I've got a general
taking power in Pakistan.
He's friendly to the United
States and he's relatively sane.
Another one? Please.
He should be arresting Zaman
right about now.
You need to get back
to the Sit Room.
You need to recall
Operation Infinite Shitstorm.
- "Wisdom."
- That's what I said.
Let's say I believe you,
which I don't.
What happens if your plan, just
like all your other plans,
- turns to shit?
- I've got a gun in the room.
He's ready to blow Zaman's
brains all over the wall.
Since when does the State
Department employ Black Ops?
It's buried deep
in the budget.
You didn't tell me that part.
(men arguing in Urdu)
Okay, go now, go now.
Do it now.
- I don't think I can shoot him from here.
- Then get closer.
- No, I don't want to get closer.
- Get closer.
No, I don't-- No-- On second
thought, I can do it from here.
- Stop fuckin' pushing me!
- Just do it.
(all arguing)
Do it!
Do it now.
(snaps fingers)
- No!
- Ah! What? What's happening?
He's showing Zaman
his psychiatric file.
(speaking Urdu)
Alex: What's he saying?
Apparently, Zaman is plagued
by crippling impotence,
and he's not
very well endowed.
(speaking Urdu)
I believe the term
is "pencil dick."
I don't care if he has a weenus.
What's happening?
Okay, it's unclear,
but apparently,
Zaman has fantasies
of watching his wife
have sex with young men,
who he then tortures
and executes,
but not before he has
consumed their genitalia
in order to make himself
more virile.
(shouting in Urdu)
Oh! Not a fantasy.
(shouting)
(speaking Urdu)
Zaman's toast.
(laughs)
We're good. It's over.
Buddy.
(laughs)
(shouting in Urdu)
- Take our picture.
- Yes.
Oh, yeah, nice.
Okay... (speaks Urdu)
- No hard feelings.
- Fuck you.
Alex:
Boom. Boom.
Woosh-ch!
Bullshit!
This is all bullshit.
Don't try to muck up my war.
There's only one way to take out
Zaman's nuclear capability,
- and I'm doing it.
- You think I'm lying?
All right,
let's see the proof.
Well, I don't have any
right this second.
Goodbye, Walter.
And you, you're fired.
- What did I do?
- You married him.
- Yup.
- You can't go!
- Are you gonna hit me again?
- If he won't, I might.
I don't have time for this.
(phone beeping)
You want proof?
There's proof!
It doesn't get
any proofier than that.
Are you getting these
right now?
You're seeing 'em
as I'm seeing 'em.
Were these taken inside
the Presidential Palace?
- Yes, why?
- That's on the target list.
- Our planes are minutes away.
- Shit. Pierce, you and me,
- Sit Room, now!
- Joanne, you're still fired.
- I heard you the first time.
- Join the club.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Come on, Walter, let's do it!
- We have a lot to talk about.
C- learly.
- Over dinner?
- Go!
(rock music playing)
(both hooting, grunting)
All right, just punch me.
- Are you ready?
- Punch me as hard as you can, go!
Hard as--
(both shouting)
I am invincible!
Do me, do me, do me!
(babbling)
- Oooh!
- Okay, okay, okay, okay!
(grunts)
(rock music stops)
Zeke: This isn't working.
We need a plan.
♪ ♪
- Mr. President.
- Pierce? Walter?
- He got the son of a bitch.
- Put that up on the screen.
- Show him!
- This photo was taken moments ago.
We got him, sir.
All Pakistani nuclear sites
have been secured
by forces loyal
to the United States.
- Admiral?
- Sir.
Cancel Infinite Wisdom.
Yes!
(sighs, cheers)
Nice job, Larson.
(muttering in Urdu)
So, uh, what's going
to happen with him now?
He will be tried before a jury of his
peers, and then hanged until he dies.
We are a democracy.
Right.
The mail plane
is out there right now
and nobody's watching it.
We take it,
we fly it to Ibiza.
We use the money
from the boner guy statue
to buy ourselves a house
and we live there forever.
There's not enough gas in the
mail plane to get to Ibiza.
Fine!
We take it to Zanzibar.
We can fuckin' make it
to Zanzibar.
- Nothing in Zanzibar.
- There are women in Zanzibar.
- Women?
- We sex the women.
We make the babies.
We start a tribe.
- What about the mail?
- What about the mail?
We can't steal the mail.
That's a federal offense.
You're right. We leave the mail.
We steal the plane.
- That's good!
- Ah!
- Nobody goes to jail.
- Okay.
- What about Carl?
- What about Carl?
Carl's got the keys
to the mail plane.
We cut Carl in.
Carl comes, too.
No women for Carl.
No women for Carl.
Where'd you find
another bottle of Curaçao?
I didn't. We've been drinking
mouthwash for the past half hour.
(belches)
(man shouting in Urdu
over phone)
(shouting in Urdu)
(all shouting)
Rafiq, I'm flying blind here.
You might want
to call Walter, right now.
Why?
Sir, Alex Talbot is on the phone.
He says it's urgent.
- I'll take it out in the hallway.
- No.
Um, he says he wants
the president to hear this, too.
Woman:
Mic is on, sir.
- Who is this now?
- That guy.
He's Black Ops.
This is President Navarro.
Mr. President,
Alex Talbot.
Yes, Mr. Talbot. I want
to personally thank you--
No time. Listen, before
Zaman was arrested,
he launched a fighter jet
towards Israel,
armed with a nuclear missile.
The pilot is a loyalist. He was
ordered not to recall for any reason.
How fast can one of those
get to Tel Aviv?
As the crow flies,
probably seven hours,
if it's avoiding radar.
I'm being told that it
took off five hours ago.
We're not seeing it on radar.
Yes, he's probably flying out
over the water.
I'd go south
along the Arabian Sea,
hug the Yemeni coast, then
turn right, up the Red Sea.
Five hours would put it
over the Gulf of Aden.
Right, but their plane
could barely make it to Israel,
let alone all the way back to
Pakistan, without refueling.
It's a suicide mission.
Talbot, listen to me! You need to
get Zaman to recall that pilot.
How?
By any means necessary.
What'd he say?
He said we've got to get
Zaman to recall the pilot.
How?
He didn't really offer
any concrete suggestions.
Our people have mapped out the most
likely flight path to avoid radar.
We've got to inform
the Israelis.
No, it's too far
for the Israelis.
That cruise missile could
go off as far away as Mecca
and still hit Israeli soil.
This is on us.
Pierce, please tell me
- we've got a carrier in that region.
- Chief?
Closest attack squadron's aboard
the USS Ulysses S. Grant.
And they just sent every pilot
they had 500 miles into Pakistan.
Didn't they?
Zeke:
Carl!
Both:
Carl! Carl!
No women for Carl.
No women for Carl.
Only ugly chicks.
There's no ugly chicks
in Zanzibar, man.
Oh, man, I love that plan.
Gentlemen.
Your country needs you.
(rock music playing)
♪ I see
the bad moon rising ♪
♪ I see trouble
on the way ♪
♪ I see earthquakes
and lightnin' ♪
♪ I see
bad times today ♪
♪ Don't go around tonight ♪
♪ Well, it's bound
to take your life ♪
♪ There's a bad moon
on the rise ♪
♪ I hear hurricanes
a'blowin' ♪
♪ I know the end
is coming soon ♪
♪ I fear rivers
overflowin' ♪
♪ I hear the voice
of rage and ruin ♪
♪ Don't go around tonight ♪
♪ Well, it's bound
to take your life ♪
♪ There's a bad moon
on the rise ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪
(gun cocks)
(cell phone ringing)
Would you mind terribly
if I answered this?
Give me that phone!
Of course.
Don't shoot.
I'm handing him my phone. The
embassy's been overrun by the army.
They're about to take me hostage.
They're going to kill Rafiq!
You're on speaker.
Who am I speaking to?
US Secretary of State,
Walter Larson. Who's this?
I am General Ahmed Ali
of the Pakistan Armed Forces.
It's Ahmed Ali, Zaman's
highest-ranking general.
Get me everything you can.
(toilet flushes)
- Shit! Listen, General--
- No, you listen.
In a few minutes,
you will see our flag
flying above
what was once your embassy.
We're also taking your highest-remaining
diplomat into custody.
- He means me, sir!
- General? I highly recommend
you don't kidnap
an American dignitary.
Mr. Secretary,
seeing as you kidnapped
seven of our nation's
glorious children,
I'm showing
a great deal of restraint.
General, let's negotiate.
What do you want? Anything
is on the table, I mean it.
I'm sorry. Pakistan does not
negotiate with terrorists.
- Goodbye, Mr. Secretary.
- Wait, wait, wait!
In 60 seconds, the ambassador's
secure line will ring.
It's encrypted. No ISI, no CIA.
Just you and me.
General, we know that wasn't
a goddamn earthquake.
If Zaman tries to launch another
missile, we will obliterate you.
You have a choice--
watch your country
get carpet-bombed
back to the Stone Age
by the entire US Fifth Fleet,
or become the next
president of Pakistan.
(mouths)
- I must hang up now.
Both: No, don't hang up!
- Walter!
- No!
_
You see whose plane
they have us in?
Who knows, man? I--
Tilson, Taylor,
hold up a minute.
- Sir?
- I'm sorry, but you're grounded.
- What are you talking about?
- We got protocols, Commander.
You were both
prisoners of war.
- We were?
- Before you get back up there,
you gotta take a med test,
you gotta pass a psych exam.
Come on,
that's bullshit, sir!
We were prisoners
of a couple of cannibal freaks
- who tried to kill each other.
- And fuck us.
Screw the red tape, sir.
Everybody else is up there.
Look, it's not up to me.
This came from the top.
Admiral McBride doesn't want you to fly.
- Man, fuck the admiral!
- Whoa, dude.
(cell phone ringing)
- Come on, come on, answer, answer.
- Thank you.
Confirmed.
The plan is in motion.
Fax is on its way to Talbot.
Good. General?
General?
Ahmed:
Speak quickly, Mr. Secretary.
Zaman is expecting
to see the flag of Pakistan
flying above this building
at any moment.
General, I can give you the full
backing of the United States,
plus anything you might need
on a personal level.
Sir, we really
shouldn't be in here.
Even if I agreed
to this plan,
I could not arrest Zaman
and take power
without the support of all the generals.
It is not possible.
Which is why I've made contact
with Zaman's former psychiatrist.
The fax he's sending you
right now is filled
with the man's darkest
psycho-sexual secrets.
What use would I have
for that?
I want you to use it to
convince the other generals.
Alex: Tell Hassan
it might be time
to make the leap into the
present and buy a scanner.
Okay, thank you, Uncle,
for saving our lives.
All right, that's
everything I have on Zaman.
30 pages of the craziest rantings
of a certifiable psychopath
you will ever have
the misfortune of reading.
Thank you, Hassan!
Praise God, I hope I never
hear that voice again.
Listen, Uncle, Fareeda
and the girls
were taken to Bagram
Air Force Base in Afghanistan.
What are you talking about?
Fareeda and the girls are with
your mother and father at the cabin.
What?
Are you sure?
I just spoke with them. A helicopter
dropped her and the girls off.
Blew away
your mother's berry garden.
She was not pleased.
Now I must go.
My decaf milky tea is ready.
No, wait, Uncle! The Americans
are going to start bombing!
You need to get out of there!
You need to get to the cabin.
Locked in a small cabin with
seven screaming teenage girls?
I'll take my chances here.
Thank you. God be with us.
(scanner humming)
Fareeda is
at my uncle's cabin?
Hmm? Oh, yeah. Before I almost
just took a bullet for you,
I was bribing the pilots,
getting your sister
and the girls to safety, sacrificing
my retirement fund to the karma gods.
But, you know, whatever.
No big deal.
Thank you
for cleaning up the mess
that you've created
to begin with.
(scanner makes slicing sound)
Let's do this.
Walter: I'll give you the
same deal I gave Raja,
spy satellites and all.
I also want
a nuclear ballistic submarine.
Fuck me.
And two giraffes
for our national zoo.
One male, one female.
Every time I take my daughter,
she says, "Papa,
where are the giraffes?"
Done!
Write down "giraffes."
- Giraffes?
- I'll explain later.
Now, what was in it
for Raja, personally?
$200 million.
And it goes without saying
that you will
restart military aid
to my country immediately.
Goes without saying,
but no more crazy talk.
No more stirring up
the peasants.
That's what led to this mess.
Maybe just a little
crazy talk.
This is Pakistan, after all.
Fine, but only the normal amount,
like we've always agreed to.
Not this off-the-deep-end,
nuke-Israel shit.
Once Walter closes this deal, that's it.
I'm gone. Off to Paris.
Gorgeous women, delicious pastries.
It's gonna be sweet.
Yeah, I'll miss you, too.
I also need
those seven schoolgirls.
I can't give you
the schoolgirls.
Then we have no deal.
How about I try to kill you?
- Come again?
- We bomb your house.
You're not in it
at the time, of course.
We issue a public apology,
you reject the apology.
You're perceived as your
own man, not our puppet.
It's the next best thing
to martyrdom.
But I just renovated
the entire second floor.
We already laid down
all the plumbing.
I could blow up your car
with a drone.
(cell phone ringing)
Zaman is calling me now.
General,
do we have a deal or not?
One second.
(both speaking Urdu)
(speaks Urdu)
General, what did you
just say to him?
I told him that we've stormed the
embassy, taken the ambassador,
and safely retrieved
those girls.
- You have made the right choice.
- Yes!
Blow up my car
and we have a deal.
My lease is up anyway.
Excellent! It is true.
Zaman is insane.
He's planning to launch
another missile at Israel.
I keep telling him that our goal
is not to obliterate Israel.
It's to obliterate India.
Let's discuss that
after you take power.
Now, go arrest
that son of a bitch.
Talbot will go with you
as my eyes and ears.
I'll need his signal
that you've succeeded.
- Good luck.
- I will need it.
And before you go, General, put
Talbot on the phone, please.
It's for you.
Sorry about the guns earlier.
(speaks Urdu)
Walter: Larson!
- Sir, I think our secret is out.
Pierce is alerting
the Secret Service!
Talbot, are you sitting
at the ambassador's desk?
Yes, sir.
There should be a humidor
somewhere around.
Uh, yes, sir.
I'm looking right at it.
It was a gift from Pierce to all
of our ambassadors in the region,
when he got confirmed
for DOD.
Okay, you want me
to spark one up?
What are we celebrating?
My impending Parisian transferral?
Talbot, when this thing is
over, I will transfer you
- wherever your heart desires.
- Nice!
Now open it up.
Remove the top tray.
Okay, what am I looking for?
You'll know it
when you see it.
Oh.
Look, I need you
to go with the general.
If this thing goes south, you're going
to shoot Zaman in the fucking head.
Show me what
you're made of, Talbot.
Uh...
Shit.
(door rattles)
(beeps)
Let me know how it turns out.
Sir, we've been asked to escort
you out of the West Wing.
Not a problem.
I'm leaving.
It's like rush hour at the
Dulles Airport up there.
Tell Harry Truman this is
our goddamn air space.
I'm running the biggest aerial
attack since Shock and Awe,
and my targeting intel
is for shit!
Sir, Lieutenant Commander Zeke
Tilson has requested to see you.
Make it fast.
Tilson, I am up
to my elbows in pig shit.
I got a four-star
at Central Command on hold,
but, please,
step your entitled ass up.
What can the Navy
do for you today?
Permission to speak
freely, sir.
Just fuckin' talk, pilot.
Sir, you gotta let me
back up in the air.
These reintegration protocols
and psych tests,
you know it's just
red-tape bullshit.
I like red-tape bullshit.
I use it to keep fuck-ups
like you out of my way.
All due respect, sir,
I'm your best goddamn pilot.
Tilson, right now,
you're my worst goddamn pilot.
My best pilots don't piss
positive for opiates.
My best pilots don't get
their asses shot down.
My best pilots
don't blow up Indian drones
and put my spotless
naval record at risk!
Is that what this
is about, sir?
This is about the fact
that, as of now,
your naval career is over.
You are a goddamn piece of gum
that got stuck
on the bottom of my shoe,
and the time has come to toss
that fuckin' shoe in the trash!
- Sir, please--
- You want to help this war, son?
Jump off the fuckin' ship.
Now, get the hell out of here!
I got a war to run.
(braying)
- What happens after I shoot him?
- His guys shoot you.
- We need a plan B!
- You are plan B.
- I hate plan B!
- It's an honor to die for your country.
It's not my country!
It's your country.
- Maybe you should do it.
- Okay. No, I'm good--
- No, please, let me give
you this gift. - No.
It's like letting a Jew
kill Hitler.
He gave the gun to you.
It's your gun.
He wanted you to do it.
You, Alex Talbot,
you're going to change
the course of history.
- Oh, God.
- Honestly, I'm jealous.
- Oh, God.
- You okay?
I'm hyperventilating.
Okay, as long as you
can use your hands.
- I don't think I can do it.
- You can do this.
- I don't think I can.
- You can do it.
- You think I can?
- I know you can--
- I can't do it!
- You can do it, okay?
- I don't think I can!
- You're gonna do this!
- You're gonna be there?
- Yes, I will be there.
- Okay, we'll do this together.
- You'll do it.
- But you'll be there?
- But I'll be in the area.
_
Your husband's outside
and wants to talk--
- I need a favor. - I just heard
that the White House physician
had to put three stitches
in Pierce's forehead.
What? Oh, my God.
Is he okay?
Damn it, Walter. Madeleine Albright
never body slammed anyone.
- Not that we know of.
- It is amazing that you still have a job.
I know, really.
More importantly,
I just convinced one of
Amir Zaman's top generals
to arrest him
and take power in Pakistan.
- Which one?
- Ahmed Ali. Do you know him?
Yeah, that guy's insane.
All he wants to do is nuke India.
I know, but I can only deal with one
nuclear crisis at a time, Joanne.
Right now, I need your help
to get to Pierce.
He's the only one that can convince
the president to call off Infinite Wisdom.
And you think Pierce is going
to give you the time of day
after what
you just did to him?
That's why I need you,
to get him to trust me.
- I don't even trust you.
- Joanne!
I am not Kendra.
I don't work for you.
Please, comprehend the fact that
I have my own real-person job,
a real-person job that I am
trying desperately to keep.
So, no, I can't do
any more favors for you.
You wanted to keep our lives separate?
This is what separate means.
By separate, I just meant
you could sleep with Billy.
And you could sleep
with Asian hookers,
Urdu translators,
and Heidi from the hotel.
How do you know about Heidi?
That just happened.
I work for the DOD, and your
pilot is an Air Force major.
And how were you able to do that,
anyway, right after you had surgery?
Trust me,
Heidi was very disappointed.
This isn't working
for me anymore.
- Is it working for you?
- Not at this moment, no.
Listen, Joanne, this is a very
thought-provoking conversation,
but can we table it, please?
Pakistan just set off a nuclear device.
- What the fu-- When?
- About an hour ago.
We got bombers in the air.
I need to talk to Pierce.
I'll get Pierce
out of the Sit Room.
That's all we need.
Don't say "we."
My marriage is trashed. Gail
never wants to see me again.
Now, my career
is in the fucking toilet!
(banging)
What's the point, man?
Are you drinking Listerine?
No, man, Blue Curaçao.
Keep it
in a mouthwash bottle.
That's genius.
(laughs)
- You know what, Glenn?
- What's that, man?
We've been looking at this thing
completely fuckin' backwards.
We're not grounded.
We're free, man!
Plus, we're going
to be rolling in it,
thanks to...
boner dude!
Yes!
(laughs)
- We got plans!
- We got hard plans.
We gotta stop staring at our toes and
start staring at the fuckin' moon!
That's what I'm saying!
(both shouting)
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Don't drink it all, man!
Dude!
(groans)
(speaking Urdu)
(shouts in Urdu)
Translate.
Okay, I'm trying.
It's just...
They're all talking
over each other.
- Just give me the gist!
- Okay, all right.
The general has informed
Zaman of his betrayal,
and he is trying to convince the
other generals to side with him.
Oh, God, it's on.
He's saying that
without US foreign aid,
Pakistan will fall
under India's control.
Uh-huh.
Are they going for it?
Mm, they seem receptive.
(shouting in Urdu)
What, what, what?
Okay, he's saying
you and I are proof
that when
he becomes president,
US foreign aid will be
reinstated immediately.
Okay, why is Zaman
pointing at us?
Okay, so Zaman is saying that the
only thing you and I are proof of,
is that the general
is a puppet of the US.
No, no, not a puppet.
He's his own man!
(all arguing)
So, the general is now
arresting Zaman.
- Done deal. Done deal?
- No, no, no.
(all shouting)
(guns cocking)
Zaman is now arresting
the general.
There seems to be some confusion
as to who's arresting whom,
and if you and I
are going to be killed.
Jesus. Which way is
this thing going to go?
(all shouting)
It's a little bit
of a loose ball.
Fuck!
Wait, wait.
Our guy might have a deal.
We might have a deal?
(men shouting)
(guns cocking)
Never mind.
What happened?
I thought our guy had a deal.
- No, no, no, no.
- You said we might have a deal!
It unraveled, it unraveled.
I can't take this.
I can't take it, I can't
take it, I can't take it!
Shit. I think we're going
to have to go to plan B.
- Right now?
- Right now.
I can't.
No, I don't think I can.
- I think that you can.
- I don't think I can.
- Right now, do it.
- I don't think I can.
I think you can do it.
All right, Joanne, what is it? I'm right
in the middle of a major operation.
- I understand. Actually, Walter--
- Larson?
What the hell
is he doing here?
- I come in peace.
- You better stay away from me.
All he understands
is violence.
- I don't speak to him.
- Tell him I'm sorry.
He's very sorry.
Tell him I'm racked
with guilt.
- He's racked with guilt. - Tell him
I said he should go fuck himself.
Fuck yourself. Mr. Secretary,
just hear him out.
He has a crucial
new piece of information.
I've got a general
taking power in Pakistan.
He's friendly to the United
States and he's relatively sane.
Another one? Please.
He should be arresting Zaman
right about now.
You need to get back
to the Sit Room.
You need to recall
Operation Infinite Shitstorm.
- "Wisdom."
- That's what I said.
Let's say I believe you,
which I don't.
What happens if your plan, just
like all your other plans,
- turns to shit?
- I've got a gun in the room.
He's ready to blow Zaman's
brains all over the wall.
Since when does the State
Department employ Black Ops?
It's buried deep
in the budget.
You didn't tell me that part.
(men arguing in Urdu)
Okay, go now, go now.
Do it now.
- I don't think I can shoot him from here.
- Then get closer.
- No, I don't want to get closer.
- Get closer.
No, I don't-- No-- On second
thought, I can do it from here.
- Stop fuckin' pushing me!
- Just do it.
(all arguing)
Do it!
Do it now.
(snaps fingers)
- No!
- Ah! What? What's happening?
He's showing Zaman
his psychiatric file.
(speaking Urdu)
Alex: What's he saying?
Apparently, Zaman is plagued
by crippling impotence,
and he's not
very well endowed.
(speaking Urdu)
I believe the term
is "pencil dick."
I don't care if he has a weenus.
What's happening?
Okay, it's unclear,
but apparently,
Zaman has fantasies
of watching his wife
have sex with young men,
who he then tortures
and executes,
but not before he has
consumed their genitalia
in order to make himself
more virile.
(shouting in Urdu)
Oh! Not a fantasy.
(shouting)
(speaking Urdu)
Zaman's toast.
(laughs)
We're good. It's over.
Buddy.
(laughs)
(shouting in Urdu)
- Take our picture.
- Yes.
Oh, yeah, nice.
Okay... (speaks Urdu)
- No hard feelings.
- Fuck you.
Alex:
Boom. Boom.
Woosh-ch!
Bullshit!
This is all bullshit.
Don't try to muck up my war.
There's only one way to take out
Zaman's nuclear capability,
- and I'm doing it.
- You think I'm lying?
All right,
let's see the proof.
Well, I don't have any
right this second.
Goodbye, Walter.
And you, you're fired.
- What did I do?
- You married him.
- Yup.
- You can't go!
- Are you gonna hit me again?
- If he won't, I might.
I don't have time for this.
(phone beeping)
You want proof?
There's proof!
It doesn't get
any proofier than that.
Are you getting these
right now?
You're seeing 'em
as I'm seeing 'em.
Were these taken inside
the Presidential Palace?
- Yes, why?
- That's on the target list.
- Our planes are minutes away.
- Shit. Pierce, you and me,
- Sit Room, now!
- Joanne, you're still fired.
- I heard you the first time.
- Join the club.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Come on, Walter, let's do it!
- We have a lot to talk about.
C- learly.
- Over dinner?
- Go!
(rock music playing)
(both hooting, grunting)
All right, just punch me.
- Are you ready?
- Punch me as hard as you can, go!
Hard as--
(both shouting)
I am invincible!
Do me, do me, do me!
(babbling)
- Oooh!
- Okay, okay, okay, okay!
(grunts)
(rock music stops)
Zeke: This isn't working.
We need a plan.
♪ ♪
- Mr. President.
- Pierce? Walter?
- He got the son of a bitch.
- Put that up on the screen.
- Show him!
- This photo was taken moments ago.
We got him, sir.
All Pakistani nuclear sites
have been secured
by forces loyal
to the United States.
- Admiral?
- Sir.
Cancel Infinite Wisdom.
Yes!
(sighs, cheers)
Nice job, Larson.
(muttering in Urdu)
So, uh, what's going
to happen with him now?
He will be tried before a jury of his
peers, and then hanged until he dies.
We are a democracy.
Right.
The mail plane
is out there right now
and nobody's watching it.
We take it,
we fly it to Ibiza.
We use the money
from the boner guy statue
to buy ourselves a house
and we live there forever.
There's not enough gas in the
mail plane to get to Ibiza.
Fine!
We take it to Zanzibar.
We can fuckin' make it
to Zanzibar.
- Nothing in Zanzibar.
- There are women in Zanzibar.
- Women?
- We sex the women.
We make the babies.
We start a tribe.
- What about the mail?
- What about the mail?
We can't steal the mail.
That's a federal offense.
You're right. We leave the mail.
We steal the plane.
- That's good!
- Ah!
- Nobody goes to jail.
- Okay.
- What about Carl?
- What about Carl?
Carl's got the keys
to the mail plane.
We cut Carl in.
Carl comes, too.
No women for Carl.
No women for Carl.
Where'd you find
another bottle of Curaçao?
I didn't. We've been drinking
mouthwash for the past half hour.
(belches)
(man shouting in Urdu
over phone)
(shouting in Urdu)
(all shouting)
Rafiq, I'm flying blind here.
You might want
to call Walter, right now.
Why?
Sir, Alex Talbot is on the phone.
He says it's urgent.
- I'll take it out in the hallway.
- No.
Um, he says he wants
the president to hear this, too.
Woman:
Mic is on, sir.
- Who is this now?
- That guy.
He's Black Ops.
This is President Navarro.
Mr. President,
Alex Talbot.
Yes, Mr. Talbot. I want
to personally thank you--
No time. Listen, before
Zaman was arrested,
he launched a fighter jet
towards Israel,
armed with a nuclear missile.
The pilot is a loyalist. He was
ordered not to recall for any reason.
How fast can one of those
get to Tel Aviv?
As the crow flies,
probably seven hours,
if it's avoiding radar.
I'm being told that it
took off five hours ago.
We're not seeing it on radar.
Yes, he's probably flying out
over the water.
I'd go south
along the Arabian Sea,
hug the Yemeni coast, then
turn right, up the Red Sea.
Five hours would put it
over the Gulf of Aden.
Right, but their plane
could barely make it to Israel,
let alone all the way back to
Pakistan, without refueling.
It's a suicide mission.
Talbot, listen to me! You need to
get Zaman to recall that pilot.
How?
By any means necessary.
What'd he say?
He said we've got to get
Zaman to recall the pilot.
How?
He didn't really offer
any concrete suggestions.
Our people have mapped out the most
likely flight path to avoid radar.
We've got to inform
the Israelis.
No, it's too far
for the Israelis.
That cruise missile could
go off as far away as Mecca
and still hit Israeli soil.
This is on us.
Pierce, please tell me
- we've got a carrier in that region.
- Chief?
Closest attack squadron's aboard
the USS Ulysses S. Grant.
And they just sent every pilot
they had 500 miles into Pakistan.
Didn't they?
Zeke:
Carl!
Both:
Carl! Carl!
No women for Carl.
No women for Carl.
Only ugly chicks.
There's no ugly chicks
in Zanzibar, man.
Oh, man, I love that plan.
Gentlemen.
Your country needs you.
(rock music playing)
♪ I see
the bad moon rising ♪
♪ I see trouble
on the way ♪
♪ I see earthquakes
and lightnin' ♪
♪ I see
bad times today ♪
♪ Don't go around tonight ♪
♪ Well, it's bound
to take your life ♪
♪ There's a bad moon
on the rise ♪
♪ I hear hurricanes
a'blowin' ♪
♪ I know the end
is coming soon ♪
♪ I fear rivers
overflowin' ♪
♪ I hear the voice
of rage and ruin ♪
♪ Don't go around tonight ♪
♪ Well, it's bound
to take your life ♪
♪ There's a bad moon
on the rise ♪
♪ All right ♪