The Brink (2015): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
In Islamabad, Pakistan, low-level State Department bureaucrat Alex Talbott asks his driver Rafiq to take him to a local bazaar to score some weed. The two encounter a mass protest that turns violent, and end up fleeing their car and taking refuge in the house Rafiq shares with his parents and sister. In Washington, D.C., Secretary of State Walter Larson is fetched from a hotel tryst by his seen-it-all aide, Kendra Peterson, to attend an emergency White House meeting on the growing unrest in Pakistan. After learning that General Umair Zaman is paranoid and threatening the region with destruction, the president and the ultra-hawkish Secretary of Defense put a plan in motion to remove Pakistan's nuclear arsenal, against Walter's advice that such an operation is risky and reckless. The group soon discovers that Alex is their only source of hard information on the ground in Pakistan. Meanwhile, onboard an aircraft carrier in the region, ace pilot Zeke "Z-Pak" Tilson calls his ex-wife Ashley in Florida, urging her to send more "product" for his lucrative drug side business. Later, Zeke's mounting troubles are put on hold when he and his co-pilot Glenn are ordered to take off on a mission Zeke knows could lead to catastrophe.
(theme music playing)
♪ ♪
(people chattering)
(patriotic music playing)
Evening, Mr. Ambassador.
Looking forward to
the party tonight.
I'm sure you are, Talbot.
I was wondering
if I could get five minutes
with you tomorrow.
Yes. I've been
meaning to talk to you
about your future.
I just saw
a job posting for a director
of environmental affairs.
We'll talk
in the morning then.
Perfect.
(clicks tongue)
(sighs)
I can't wait
to fire that guy.
Rafiq!
We're going on a mission.
No, we are not
going on a mission.
Please get away from me.
I'm not even supposed
to talk to you.
Come on.
No fuss, no muss.
Nope.
Heard you lost
your driving privileges,
because they had to steam clean
that SUV that you took
to the cricket match.
It's not my fault
those ladies couldn't
hold their liquor.
Come on, be a buddy.
I'm the only one
at this fucking embassy
who bothered
to learn your name.
I'm not taking you!
Let's go!
I guess I'm taking you.
(Talbot laughs)
(mutters) Putz.
Yeah! Now we're talking.
I'm telling you,
it's getting dangerous
out there.
I don't feel safe going out.
There's a rage in the air.
(engine starts)
You know what your problem is?
You telegraph fear.
The militants
can smell it on you.
Ah. You telegraph arrogance.
The militants are
going to cut your throat
and put it on YouTube.
They have
a channel just for that.
Yeah, exactly.
So you think I'm going
to take any risks in this
anal cavity of a country?
Rafiq: Ooh, so you're
writing a travel guide?
Talbot: I'm just here
to help, my man.
Rafiq: I'm telling you,
this is the wrong day
for your bullshit.
♪ ♪
Man: Oh, yeah.
(buzzing)
(woman moans) Yeah.
Man: Yeah.
Woman: Oh, yeah.
Man: Oh, shit, yeah.
(both moaning)
Man: Fuck, yeah.
Woman: Yeah.
Mmm. Sweet Jesus.
(muffled shouting)
(breathing hard)
(shouting stops)
(man grunting)
Walter?
Walter!
Shit!
Don't scare me like that!
(laughs)
Oh, too soon.
The sexy ninja assassin took
the pillow away too soon.
Evil American bureaucrat
is still alive.
Oh. Let's try
something else.
No, on, no. We'll get it.
It's a timing issue.
Another 15 seconds
would've done it.
I don't want to go
to jail for murder.
They'd never
hit you with murder.
Manslaughter,
but you just tell them
you were defending yourself.
I was trying to attack you.
Ooh, let's try that.
I'll pretend
to be attacking you,
and you pretend
to take a dirty knife
from a room service tray
and kill me, yeah?
Why do all
of your sexual fantasies
involve
you getting murdered?
Why do all
your sexual fantasies
involve you fleeing Cambodia
in a cargo container?
That story wasn't
a sexual fantasy.
That was my childhood.
Come here, baby.
Papa's thirsty.
(knocks on door)
Oh! Christ almighty.
Untie me!
Oh, God.
As you know,
threesomes are extra.
Whoever it is,
get rid of them.
Untie me, untie me!
(woman knocks)
I know he's in there.
There's no Walter here.
Excuse me.
You can't come in here.
Mr. Secretary.
(door opens)
This had better be important,
'cause as you can plainly see,
I am in the middle of a meeting.
(beeps)
I found him.
Yeah, we'll be there in seven--
make that eight minutes.
You're not his wife?
Yeah, thank God.
Kendra, Jasmine.
Jasmine, Kendra.
Pants. Car.
Now.
(clicks tongue)
♪ ♪
Do you want a mint?
No, thank you.
Brief me.
Okay, Pakistan.
(groans)
Did you read through
the binders I sent you?
Unless they were
encrypted on the vaginal walls
of an Asian call girl, no.
(sighs)
What binders?
The ones marked
"Secretary of State"
on the covers,
the ones containing
incredibly sensitive
SCI level clearance information.
Oh, yeah. I think
I might have left them
on the bar at Bobby Van's.
We'll have to send someone
to track them down
and shred them.
Billy can do it?
Billy?
He's the bartender there.
Right. So, you want
to trust Billy the bartender
with classified
military documents
and the names
of covert CIA agents
in Pakistan?
He's a good kid.
He's also my wife's
personal trainer.
I think he might
be fucking her.
(scoffs)
Are you absolutely sure
no mint?
Speaking of which,
let's not let a good crisis
go to waste.
Call my wife, tell her
I've been with the president
for the last 12 hours.
Now, tell me everything
I need to know about Pakistan
and not
a goddamn thing more.
Okay.
(buzzing)
♪ ♪
(man speaks over PA)
(ringing)
Come on, pick up,
pick up, pick up.
Hello?
(on phone)
Hey! It's Zeke.
Where are you?
We're somewhere
in the Red Sea.
Can't be too precise,
OPSEC and all that.
How are the kids?
They're good.
When can you Skype with them?
Not for a while.
We're underway.
The guy from the bank
called again.
It sounds like
they're gonna foreclose,
so I need you
to increase the cash flow.
(whispering)
Ashley, I keep telling you,
send me more product.
I'm not gonna
break into my stock.
You need to charge more.
Your markup is pathetic.
They can't pay more.
Most of these poor guys,
they net 250 a week.
After sending
money home, Xbox, porn--
there's nothing left.
Who the hell pays
for porn these days?
Horny sailors stuck
in the middle of the ocean
with no wifi.
Look, Zeke,
I really don't wanna have
this argument again.
What do you mean?
We're not arguing.
Z-Pak.
Been looking
all over for you.
Ashley, don't hang up.
Sir!
Shit just got real.
Admiral wants
his best sticks in the air,
and that definitely means you.
Get off the phone. Now.
Ashley, these drugs
are the only thing
keeping everybody
on this ship awake.
Then they need
to drink more coffee.
How about a little compassion
for the brave men and women
who keep you from having
to wear a burqa?
Okay, fine.
I will put a yellow ribbon
on my bumper.
Zeke:
Please, Ashley,
I'm begging you.
(whispers)
Send me more product.
You've gotta do it, Ash!
Right now, look,
I really gotta go.
Listen to me! Ashley.
I'm late.
By the way,
so is your alimony check.
Don't hang up! No!
(dial tone)
Fuck me.
Ashley, I really need you
to get here on time.
I can take
the first customer.
Okay. Is this it for today?
♪ ♪
(people chattering)
(horn honks)
(man shouts)
This is it.
This is it.
If I'm not back in 10,
just drive away
like nothing's wrong,
call the op desk,
remember me fondly.
(chattering)
♪ ♪
(sighs)
Do you have the package?
The price has gone up.
What is it with your people?
We agreed on a price.
I agreed to nothing.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Whatever it is, I can pay.
You got me by the short hairs.
Go ahead and squeeze.
Lemonade my balls.
Double.
Double? No problem.
Pleasure doing
business with you.
At least throw in a shirt.
Too much to ask?
Everything's a negotiation.
It's not necessarily
a bad thing.
Back to the embassy, Tonto.
(engine starts)
As much as I relish
leaving this shithole,
I'm gonna miss
your exquisite weed.
This was
all about scoring dope?
No, this is
about scoring with Malena.
She works
at the Danish embassy,
and I intend
to nation build with her
at the big party tonight.
Hence the primo smoke.
Ah. Diplomacy takes many forms.
Look, I spend all day organizing
clean water projects,
(honking)
only to see them
sabotaged by the Taliban.
Go! (speaks foreign language)
I deserve
a little Danish nookie.
What happened to Eva
at the German embassy?
She wanted me
to help her get a green card,
and that kinda...
(mimics plane diving)
ruined everything.
And if she finds out
about Malena, she'll send me
to the gas chamber.
I'm glad you're
risking my life
so that you can dine out,
at the International
House of Pussy.
(people shouting)
That's no gay pride parade.
Shit. They're still
protesting the election results.
Where do they find time
to do all this protesting?
(thuds)
Don't they have jobs?
Whoa, whoa.
Why are you stopping?
Something's not right.
Fuck me.
Stay here.
(mutters) Damn it.
(shouting continues)
(gunfire)
Shit!
Okay, you need to get
out of the car and help me
change this tire.
Yeah, pass.
I'm not really feeling
the love out here tonight.
Hey, they're coming here
for us, okay?
Where the hell is a drone
when you need one?
Oh, God!
I'm gonna be butt-raped!
You need to really stop
obsessing about man-rape
and get the fuck out of the car!
Let's get the fuck
out of here, god damn it!
Go, go, go, go!
(gunfire)
Go! Go!
(people shouting)
Oh, Jesus! (grunts)
(breathing hard)
Oh, outstanding.
Okay, see that? This is not
a spontaneous demonstration.
It's a show
staged by the military.
Which way
back to the embassy?
No, no, it's blocked.
We're going
to have to find a place
to lay low for a while.
How about Vancouver?
Ah.
(beeping)
No signal.
Huh?
Fuck!
The military has
cut off cell reception.
They do that a lot?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a Pakistani tradition.
(shouting)
(gunfire)
♪ ♪
Man: I just want
to get a straight answer.
Walter! Finally,
somebody who knows what's
going on in the world.
Good morning,
Mr. President.
Morning.
Are you sick?
You don't look well.
I've never felt better.
What's going on
in Pakistan?
There are anti-government
protests on the streets
of Karachi and Islamabad.
Diplomatic enclaves are sealed.
TV and radio are down.
Internet's down, too,
which means there's
no Twitter feed
to tell us
what the hell's happening.
Why can't we reach
the Pakistani ambassador?
He's been recalled.
Flew out of Dulles
six hours ago.
It's a signal.
The last call.
Stools on the bar.
No more business as usual.
Smells like
a coup d'état.
Led by who?
I can't tell you that.
I'm the president.
No, I mean...
we don't know.
Terrific.
Man: Mr. President,
all of Pakistan's
nuclear warheads
are at risk.
Imagine if al-Qaeda got
their hands on them.
Our contingency plan
needs to be put
into motion immediately.
Contingency plan?
Pierce, haven't you been
a busy little beaver?
President:
Now, what carriers
do we have nearby?
Well, the Reagan had
to leave station three days ago
due to propulsion issues,
but we do have
a backup en route,
and they can launch
from the Red Sea.
Adds a little flight time,
so we've begun putting
assets in the air now.
All we need is
your go-ahead,
Mr. President.
Whoa. Gentlemen,
let's just take
a breath here
and tuck our tiny
little peckers back
into our pants.
Here's an idea.
Let's find out what
the fuck is going on,
then we can start
World War III!
(softly)
Jesus, Walter, your breath is
a goddamn fire hazard.
Who do we have on the streets
outside the embassy?
We're still checking
on that, Mr. President.
Most of our key people were
already at the embassy
at a social function
when it was sealed off.
It's the monthly
"This country's
a ticking time bomb,
"so we might as well
all get shitfaced" gala.
It's a heck
of a party, actually.
We need eyes and ears
on the ground.
(whispering)
And I need hair
of the dog, pronto.
Yeah, well, you know
there's no alcohol allowed
in the situation room.
Well, make it look
like orange juice.
Christ, do you think LBJ fought
Vietnam in this room sober?
Yeah, we lost
that one, remember?
Tell me about it.
This job sucks ass.
I should've asked
for Secretary of Interior.
No one's gonna take you
away from a hooker
in the middle of the night
to save Mount Rushmore.
Yeah, well, too late.
Can I have a mint?
(scoffs)
Uh, a guy
named Billy called,
says he's a bartender
at Bobby Van's.
He says it's important.
I don't-- I don't know.
Kendra?
(people shouting)
It's not safe here.
You might as well have
a target on your back
with that
Brooks Brothers jacket.
I'm sorry.
I left my fez at home.
Okay. Shit!
I've got to get you
off the street.
We'll go
to my parents' house.
It's not far from here.
Isn't it a little soon
to meet your parents?
I mean,
we just started dating.
Rock and roll, baby!
Hey, what's going on, buddy?
Hey, you know
that public affairs officer?
Gail what's-her-name?
Real cute.
Who? Gail Sweet?
Yeah!
Yeah.
She's pregnant.
What?
(laughs) Yeah!
(chuckles)
CJ over in Medical told me.
God! Whoever she's banging--
luckiest son of a bitch
on this boat--
just became
the unluckiest.
She ain't pregnant.
(chuckles)
She can't be.
How would you know that?
Oh, shit!
Ah! She swore to me
she was on the pill, man.
Pregnant?
Well, that's what CJ says.
Fuck me! I cannot afford
this shit right now.
I'm worried
about you, Z-Pak.
I'm dealing with two
underwater mortgages
and child support.
I've been living
off of credit cards
since flight school,
flying $65 million
fighter jets
for minimum fucking wage!
I should've been
a plumber like my brother.
Son of a bitch
makes out like a bandit.
Well, you both know
how to lay pipe.
Zeke:
I could teach people
to push pills for me.
You in?
Fuck no.
No, I'm thinking
of taking my FAA exam.
Yeah, gonna fly
for FedEx or JetBlue!
I hate to pop
your dream bubble,
but FedEx ain't hiring
and Jet Blue pays shit.
Where'd you hear this?
Why do you think Mace
and Boomer just re-upped?
Well, it ain't for the food,
that's for damn sure.
So, you with me?
(jet passes)
Doesn't seem like
I got much of a choice.
Roger that.
(woman speaks on PA)
Is there any money
in crop dusting?
Now, will somebody
please tell me
who the fuck we're supposed
to bomb the shit out of?
Talbot:
Word is Walter Larson's gonna
make a run for president.
Rafiq: Mm-hmm.
And the last time he was here,
I hooked him up with girls.
Twins.
Blonde Asian twins.
High degree of difficulty
in this goddamn desert.
And he told me that
he and I were, and I quote,
"cut from the same cloth."
If he gets elected,
it'll be payback time.
Why are you here?
Because I can't get back
to the fucking embassy.
No, I mean, why are you
in the foreign service?
Mmm!
You make
a miserable diplomat.
Because when
all the other pricks
from my class at Dartmouth
went off to Wall Street
to suck every nickel
from the poor and middle-class,
I didn't want to be one of 'em!
Hard as it may be
for you to fathom,
I want to make a difference.
Ah, by procuring prostitutes
for your boss?
You know what?
An army marches
on its stomach.
Walter Larson
marches on his dick.
Who cares?
Underneath all that,
Walter's a good guy.
(strained)
I heard he tips well.
(people chattering)
Is that fresh-squeezed?
(whispers)
Yeah, just like you asked.
All right, we now believe
that whoever is in charge
has assumed command and control
of their nuclear arsenal,
and is attempting
to relocate the warheads.
♪ ♪
Terrific.
Pierce: Mr. President,
we need to take out
those key sites before
they can be moved.
Come on.
Once they're hit,
it'll be too late.
These sites are just guesses.
It's your same bad intel
that missed Bin Laden
year after year
while he was swapping
wives every night right
in the middle of Abbottabad.
All right, Walter,
what's your proposal?
Call an emergency session
of the UN Security Council,
get a regional summit going.
The region will be
a smoking ruin
before your summit
can negotiate a group rate
on hotel rooms.
You'll never hit
all those sites,
and the ones you miss
will end up being sold
to the highest bidder
on the black market!
Mr. President,
if you go with this plan,
it won't be long
before you see a listing
for a long-range
ballistic missile on eBay.
♪ ♪
(exhales sharply)
Oh, hello.
Nice house.
You live here?
Yeah, what did you expect?
I don't know. A mud hut,
stray goats, burning tires.
Oh. Yeah.
(laughs)
Hey, what does it feel like
to be such an asshole?
Well, the world is run
by assholes, my friend.
(sighs)
Don't underestimate
the asshole.
It's the most powerful
muscle in the body.
It will crush you.
(radio chatter)
(engines whining)
Ready?
Z-Pak!
You're being singled out
for something special.
Sir, what's going on?
You know as much as I do!
Just get on station
and await further instruction.
Hey.
Huh?
Here's the 50 that
I owe you for the Provigil.
How soon can you
get me some more?
Sir, having
a little supply issue!
(jet passes)
Should be all
straightened out shortly.
I'll be in touch, sir!
Good! I shouldn't have
to remind you that
if I fall asleep,
our planes end up
crashing into one another.
(chuckles)
Sir, no, sir!
This... is Alex,
the one that I was
telling you all about.
Oh. Yes.
So happy
to finally meet you.
Likewise.
Our son informs us
that your ignorance
of all things Pakistani
is truly astonishing,
a sight to behold.
I cannot wait
to witness it for myself.
Father: Naeema.
Naeema: And why is it you treat
my boy, little Rafi, so badly?
Hush, woman!
He is lucky to have this job.
But he has gained
so much weight
since he started working
for you people.
What are you feeding him?
Ignore my wife.
My son, he is
very happy working for you.
May I ask what you do?
I'm a writer.
He writes popular fiction--
spy novels, thrillers,
things like that.
He's been translated
into seven languages.
Random House has
an offer on the table.
A very generous offer.
I refuse to give up
movie and television rights.
The Middle East
is hot right now.
(door opens)
Man: What's going on?
Who is this?
This is...
Rafi's friend
from the American embassy.
This is my uncle Hasan.
He's a renowned psychologist,
teaches at the university.
You work for the CIA,
don't you?
What? Me?
No! Oh, God.
Honestly.
I-I-- I am...
in no way affiliated
with the Central Intelligence
Agency.
I am a functionary
of the State Department
at the lowest level.
(speaks Urdu)
(Rafiq laughs)
(Hasan speaks)
Naeema: Oh, yes.
(Rafiq speaks)
(father speaks)
(Naeema speaks)
What-- What are
you guys talking about?
(helicopter passing)
We were
just discussing
how much we admire
American foreign policy.
Yeah.
So, do any of you
have any idea what's
happening out there?
I mean,
has there been any news?
Uh... just bits and pieces...
Of people they believe
to be CIA collaborators.
(chuckles) Good.
A bit of that droll
Pakistani humor
you and your fellow countrymen
are not so famous for.
(laughs)
No?
Pakistani TV is back up.
♪ ♪
Pierce: Sound?
Man: Working on it.
Who the hell is that?
It's Umair Zaman,
the former general.
He's ex-ISI leader.
He's our guy.
He was our handpicked guy
until he turned radical.
He's still got a lot
of support in the army.
He's head
of the Pakistani Unity Party,
ran in the last election,
lost, contested the results.
I guess he's not bothering
to wait around for a recount.
Looks like
he's in charge now.
There-- Ah, sound.
(Zaman speaking Urdu)
Who speaks Urdu?
I do, sir.
Lovely.
If you could translate, please.
(clears throat)
He's saying
that the drone war being
carried out inside Pakistan's
sovereign borders is illegal.
The former government
was complicit in these crimes.
He says the US drone war
is a Zionist conspiracy.
He's just playing
to the cheap seats,
Mr. President.
He says
the American-Zionist drones
have spread dangerous
electromagnetic activity
across Pakistan, and...
Yes? Go on.
(clears throat)
This electromagnetic energy
is a secret
diabolical program
to alter the reproductive
biology of our girls
and to emasculate
our boys.
(Zaman continues speaking)
(whispers)
We're not really
doing that, are we?
(continues speaking)
What's he saying?
Rafiq: I don't know.
I don't know.
Something about the drones
being a form of birth control
invented by the Israelis.
He's completely
off his rocker.
Yes, Umair Zaman
is certifiable.
In fact, I certified him.
He suffered
a full psychotic break
about five years ago.
You treated him?
He was a patient
of mine for many years.
I have a file upstairs--
quite thick!
He has acute
episodic schizophrenia.
Textbook case, really.
So much for doctor-patient
confidentiality.
The militants are gonna
eat this nonsense up.
There's going
to be rioting.
They will burn
the Domino's Pizza
to the ground again.
We're gonna have to order
from Rawalpindi.
That's gonna take forever.
Have you been listening
to the television?
I don't believe
we've been introduced.
Alex, this is
my sister, Fareeda.
You must be my brother's
insufferable, oversexed boss.
(sighs)
Sorry to hear
about your STD.
(whispering)
Jeez, you didn't do me
any favors, did you?
(whispering) Hey, listen,
I'm not fucking around, okay?
You stay away from her,
or I will cut your throat
and put it on YouTube.
Whoa! Hey, my friend,
Yeah.
We've had
a very stressful night.
Let's just
inhale and exhale.
I'm just saying-- yeah.
God save us
from this lunatic.
It's God who is responsible
for this lunatic.
(shouting)
Hey!
What? I can't look?
I'm just looking at her.
(mutters)
No, don't look.
Look, I'm not a dog, okay?
I'm not gonna do anything.
Just keep it-- okay.
Okay.
"We cannot stand by
while our ability
"to reproduce is
attacked in this way.
"We will respond by using
our long-range power
"to remove the Zionist state.
"Israel is
an illegal entity."
Did he just say "remove"?
Yes, "remove."
What are the range
on their missiles?
Well, we've just discovered
they've acquired the ability
to reach Tel Aviv.
Terrific.
Translator:
"Tonight, we have
made history.
"Tomorrow, a new day
dawns on our nation.
"Good night.
"God is great."
Thank you.
Great job.
(whispers)
Get me her details.
Prime minister
of Israel on the line.
Oy.
(jet passes)
Oh, dude,
I'm really nervous.
This isn't my thing, man.
I just fly jets
and blow shit up.
Why'd they choose me?
Are you kidding me, man?
After downing
that Iranian arms shipment,
you're a rock star, brother.
(exhales sharply)
They got plans for you.
Unless those plans
include debt relief,
I'm not interested.
Glenn:
Hey, come on, buddy.
This is your chance
to shine a light on it.
You just relax
and be the Z-Pak.
(radio chatter)
What the hell was that?
A Xanax.
Oh, hell, yeah.
Gimme one of those.
You're like a pharmacy, man.
Damn, I love
flying with you.
Oh, man, I am having
the worst fucking day
of my life.
Man on radio:
20 knots over the deck.
Cleared for launch.
Man #2 on radio: Verified.
Avi, I understand
your concern.
Avi, please.
No, no, slow down.
Okay. I...
We're in the process
of finding out exactly
what he meant.
"Remove" could mean
10 different things in Urdu.
You know
these tribal languages.
I promise we will not
let that happen.
No, as soon
as I hear anything,
I will call you.
Yes, I promise that,
unlike your grandchildren,
I will call you.
Avi, don't do that.
Just wait.
(sighs)
♪ ♪
He says that unless we launch
a preemptive strike, he will.
Walter, talk to me.
Mr. President,
I am in the process
of tracking down
moderate elements
in the Pakistani government.
Give me 24 hours
to find a different way.
We don't have
24 hours, Mr. President.
We need to remove
those weapons now.
Spoken like
a true chicken hawk.
You're out of line, Walter.
Am I? I was
on the goddamn roof
defending the last chopper
out of Saigon
before my 19th birthday.
When you were 19,
you were date-raping
Radcliffe girls.
Fuck you.
Or was it Harvard boys?
Lucky for you,
your prick was so small,
they didn't have the heart
to press charges.
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Fuck you. Fuck you!
Both: Fuck you!
Enough!
What is it
with you two?
He started it.
I need
better information!
I need a tie breaker!
(whispers) Fuck you.
(whispering)
Grab the menu book,
'cause these hungry
little beasts need to be fed
or they're gonna
blow up the planet.
♪ ♪
(crickets chirping)
(stairs creak)
(clicks)
(whispering)
Oh, shit.
Oh, yeah, mamacita .
This shit is solid gold.
(scribbling)
(beeps)
(fax machine trilling)
I want Paris for this!
(whirring)
What are you doing?
Uh... you couldn't
sleep either?
You are CIA. I knew it!
Uncle Hasan, I can explain.
I had to fax my dad.
I get homesick!
Oh, God!
(grunting)
Stop, god damn it!
That hurts!
(thuds)
Oh!
(shouts)
Alex: Damn it!
I'm sorry.
What the fuck is going on?
He's attacking me!
This medical file
on Umair Zaman
just came in
from a source
on the ground,
Alex Talbot.
♪ ♪
Who's he?
He's a low-level embassy guy.
He works on clean water,
malaria projects--
stuff like that.
One of your guys, Walter?
Never heard of him.
Alex Talbot.
So he's CIA
under diplomatic cover?
No. He applied twice,
and we rejected him
'cause there were concerns
he wouldn't hold up well
under enhanced interrogation.
Well, he's working
for you now.
He risked life
for country to get us this.
This is page three of 30.
This--
This is incomplete.
Well, transmission
ended abruptly.
We're trying to pinpoint
the phone number now.
Does anybody object
to Thai food?
Jesus.
Just circle which one.
The summary, page two.
Zaman's been treated
for episodes of delusion
and personality disorder
going back a decade.
He suffered
a full psychotic break.
There's your tie breaker!
How is that a tie breaker?
The man is psychotic
and he's got his finger
on the button.
While I admit that
is cause for concern,
Mr. President,
the answer is not
to start global war.
♪ ♪
(sighs)
Pierce, set your plan
in motion.
(mutters)
Good lord.
I think you're making
a big mistake,
Mr. President.
(whispering)
We're going rogue.
Get me in touch
with my old friend
Haroon Raja in the ISI.
If we have any hope
of averting armageddon,
that two-faced
Paki weasel is it.
(whispering)
Two-faced Paki weasel.
But-- You--
Don't call him
a two-faced Paki weasel.
No, no, of course not.
Okay.
Avi.
(chuckles) Oh, man.
The Xanax is
starting to kick in!
Zeke: Wait a second,
this can't be right.
Our target's right
in the middle
of a residential district
in Islamabad.
Yeah. Went over that
in pre-flight.
I'm gonna reconfirm.
Flight Op!
This is Hammer One Nine,
do you read?
Man on radio:
Go ahead, Hammer One Nine.
Zeke:
Yeah, I got an issue
with this target.
Looks like
it's right in the middle
of a heavily populated area.
Is that correct?
(phone clatters)
Walter:
I just got off the phone
with the Chinese ambassador.
He's warning that
any action against Pakistan
will be seen
as an act of aggression
against an ally,
claims it gives them license
to move on their disputed
border with India.
This plan is already
starting to unleash
some major chain reactions,
Mr. President.
(whispering)
Indian ambassador just called.
He sounds freaked out,
convinced his country's
next on Zaman's hit list.
They're going on full alert.
Also, soup or egg roll?
It comes with.
Egg roll.
No, too greasy. Soup.
Mm-hmm.
Actually, I'll take both.
Yup. Okay.
And I want
zero civilian casualties.
Yeah, and I wanna fuck
Scarlett Johansson.
Mr. President,
there are no guarantees in war.
I have a high degree
of confidence
in the full array of assets
we've deployed.
That golf junket
you took with your wife
courtesy of Lockheed Martin
is really starting to pay off.
Excuse me?
Damn it, Walter.
Man: General Stanton
on the screen.
General, who's the tip
of the spear?
(mutters)
"Tip of the spear"?
What a tool.
Carrier Strike Group 16.
Some of the best pilots
this country
has ever sent into harm's way.
Man: I've got
a location on Alex Talbot.
It looks like a house
in a residential district
in Islamabad.
♪ ♪
You've been caught
red-handed!
We're all going to be shot
because of this pompous
douchebag!
(scoffs)
I'm sure you meant that
(helicopter approaching)
as the compliment
it was intended to be.
(pounding on door)
It is the army.
Shit.
Naeema:
Good-bye, Random House.
I say we hand him
over to them
and be done with it!
You wouldn't
happen to have an attic
or a hidden basement?
(speaking at once)
Come on, Rafiq.
This is insane.
We're pals.
No pals! He is CIA!
I told you from day one.
Rafiq, come on.
We smoked J together.
Mr. Alex, in Pakistan,
the army knocking,
that is not good.
It's not good.
Okay, everybody
just shut up!
Let me think!
(helicopter overhead)
(pounding continues)
Shit.
Mr. President, right now
I'd like to show you something
that's gonna
put you in the middle
of all the action.
Hello, Mr. President!
♪ ♪
Zeke-- I mean,
Lieutenant Commander
Zeke Tilson here.
Hello,
Commander Tilson.
It's an honor, sir,
to be chosen
to represent all
the brave men and women
who fight for this country
on a daily basis.
And I'd like to take
this opportunity--
Glenn: Oh, shit, man!
I can't feel my fucking face!
Hey, watch your mouth, man!
I'm talking to the fucking Pre--
(no audible dialogue)
What's going on?
Man: We-- We seem
to have lost audio.
♪ ♪
Ladies and gentlemen,
congratulations.
This plan is off
to great start.
(clicks tongue)
("Fortunate Son" playing)
I think I mixed up
the pills, man.
Yeah, well,
what the hell
did we take?
If it's what I think it is,
we're in for one hell of a ride.
Glenn: I think
I just shit my pants.
♪ Some folks are born ♪
♪ Made to wave the flag ♪
♪ Ooh, they're red,
white, and blue ♪
♪ And when the band plays
"Hail to the Chief" ♪
♪ Ooh, they point
the cannon at you, Lord ♪
♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪
♪ I ain't
no senator's son, son ♪
♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪
♪ I ain't
no fortunate one, no ♪
♪ Some folks are born
silver spoon in hand ♪
♪ Lord, don't they help
themselves, oh ♪
♪ But when the taxman
comes to the door ♪
♪ Lord, the house look like
a rummage sale, yes ♪
♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪
♪ I ain't
no millionaire's son, no, no ♪
♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪
♪ I ain't
no fortunate one, no ♪
♪ Yeah, now,
some folks inherit ♪
♪ Star-spangled eyes ♪
♪ Ooh, they send you
down to war, Lord ♪
♪ And when you ask them,
"How much should we give?" ♪
♪ Ooh, they only answer,
"More! More! More!" ♪
♪ It ain't me ♪
♪ ♪
(people chattering)
(patriotic music playing)
Evening, Mr. Ambassador.
Looking forward to
the party tonight.
I'm sure you are, Talbot.
I was wondering
if I could get five minutes
with you tomorrow.
Yes. I've been
meaning to talk to you
about your future.
I just saw
a job posting for a director
of environmental affairs.
We'll talk
in the morning then.
Perfect.
(clicks tongue)
(sighs)
I can't wait
to fire that guy.
Rafiq!
We're going on a mission.
No, we are not
going on a mission.
Please get away from me.
I'm not even supposed
to talk to you.
Come on.
No fuss, no muss.
Nope.
Heard you lost
your driving privileges,
because they had to steam clean
that SUV that you took
to the cricket match.
It's not my fault
those ladies couldn't
hold their liquor.
Come on, be a buddy.
I'm the only one
at this fucking embassy
who bothered
to learn your name.
I'm not taking you!
Let's go!
I guess I'm taking you.
(Talbot laughs)
(mutters) Putz.
Yeah! Now we're talking.
I'm telling you,
it's getting dangerous
out there.
I don't feel safe going out.
There's a rage in the air.
(engine starts)
You know what your problem is?
You telegraph fear.
The militants
can smell it on you.
Ah. You telegraph arrogance.
The militants are
going to cut your throat
and put it on YouTube.
They have
a channel just for that.
Yeah, exactly.
So you think I'm going
to take any risks in this
anal cavity of a country?
Rafiq: Ooh, so you're
writing a travel guide?
Talbot: I'm just here
to help, my man.
Rafiq: I'm telling you,
this is the wrong day
for your bullshit.
♪ ♪
Man: Oh, yeah.
(buzzing)
(woman moans) Yeah.
Man: Yeah.
Woman: Oh, yeah.
Man: Oh, shit, yeah.
(both moaning)
Man: Fuck, yeah.
Woman: Yeah.
Mmm. Sweet Jesus.
(muffled shouting)
(breathing hard)
(shouting stops)
(man grunting)
Walter?
Walter!
Shit!
Don't scare me like that!
(laughs)
Oh, too soon.
The sexy ninja assassin took
the pillow away too soon.
Evil American bureaucrat
is still alive.
Oh. Let's try
something else.
No, on, no. We'll get it.
It's a timing issue.
Another 15 seconds
would've done it.
I don't want to go
to jail for murder.
They'd never
hit you with murder.
Manslaughter,
but you just tell them
you were defending yourself.
I was trying to attack you.
Ooh, let's try that.
I'll pretend
to be attacking you,
and you pretend
to take a dirty knife
from a room service tray
and kill me, yeah?
Why do all
of your sexual fantasies
involve
you getting murdered?
Why do all
your sexual fantasies
involve you fleeing Cambodia
in a cargo container?
That story wasn't
a sexual fantasy.
That was my childhood.
Come here, baby.
Papa's thirsty.
(knocks on door)
Oh! Christ almighty.
Untie me!
Oh, God.
As you know,
threesomes are extra.
Whoever it is,
get rid of them.
Untie me, untie me!
(woman knocks)
I know he's in there.
There's no Walter here.
Excuse me.
You can't come in here.
Mr. Secretary.
(door opens)
This had better be important,
'cause as you can plainly see,
I am in the middle of a meeting.
(beeps)
I found him.
Yeah, we'll be there in seven--
make that eight minutes.
You're not his wife?
Yeah, thank God.
Kendra, Jasmine.
Jasmine, Kendra.
Pants. Car.
Now.
(clicks tongue)
♪ ♪
Do you want a mint?
No, thank you.
Brief me.
Okay, Pakistan.
(groans)
Did you read through
the binders I sent you?
Unless they were
encrypted on the vaginal walls
of an Asian call girl, no.
(sighs)
What binders?
The ones marked
"Secretary of State"
on the covers,
the ones containing
incredibly sensitive
SCI level clearance information.
Oh, yeah. I think
I might have left them
on the bar at Bobby Van's.
We'll have to send someone
to track them down
and shred them.
Billy can do it?
Billy?
He's the bartender there.
Right. So, you want
to trust Billy the bartender
with classified
military documents
and the names
of covert CIA agents
in Pakistan?
He's a good kid.
He's also my wife's
personal trainer.
I think he might
be fucking her.
(scoffs)
Are you absolutely sure
no mint?
Speaking of which,
let's not let a good crisis
go to waste.
Call my wife, tell her
I've been with the president
for the last 12 hours.
Now, tell me everything
I need to know about Pakistan
and not
a goddamn thing more.
Okay.
(buzzing)
♪ ♪
(man speaks over PA)
(ringing)
Come on, pick up,
pick up, pick up.
Hello?
(on phone)
Hey! It's Zeke.
Where are you?
We're somewhere
in the Red Sea.
Can't be too precise,
OPSEC and all that.
How are the kids?
They're good.
When can you Skype with them?
Not for a while.
We're underway.
The guy from the bank
called again.
It sounds like
they're gonna foreclose,
so I need you
to increase the cash flow.
(whispering)
Ashley, I keep telling you,
send me more product.
I'm not gonna
break into my stock.
You need to charge more.
Your markup is pathetic.
They can't pay more.
Most of these poor guys,
they net 250 a week.
After sending
money home, Xbox, porn--
there's nothing left.
Who the hell pays
for porn these days?
Horny sailors stuck
in the middle of the ocean
with no wifi.
Look, Zeke,
I really don't wanna have
this argument again.
What do you mean?
We're not arguing.
Z-Pak.
Been looking
all over for you.
Ashley, don't hang up.
Sir!
Shit just got real.
Admiral wants
his best sticks in the air,
and that definitely means you.
Get off the phone. Now.
Ashley, these drugs
are the only thing
keeping everybody
on this ship awake.
Then they need
to drink more coffee.
How about a little compassion
for the brave men and women
who keep you from having
to wear a burqa?
Okay, fine.
I will put a yellow ribbon
on my bumper.
Zeke:
Please, Ashley,
I'm begging you.
(whispers)
Send me more product.
You've gotta do it, Ash!
Right now, look,
I really gotta go.
Listen to me! Ashley.
I'm late.
By the way,
so is your alimony check.
Don't hang up! No!
(dial tone)
Fuck me.
Ashley, I really need you
to get here on time.
I can take
the first customer.
Okay. Is this it for today?
♪ ♪
(people chattering)
(horn honks)
(man shouts)
This is it.
This is it.
If I'm not back in 10,
just drive away
like nothing's wrong,
call the op desk,
remember me fondly.
(chattering)
♪ ♪
(sighs)
Do you have the package?
The price has gone up.
What is it with your people?
We agreed on a price.
I agreed to nothing.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Whatever it is, I can pay.
You got me by the short hairs.
Go ahead and squeeze.
Lemonade my balls.
Double.
Double? No problem.
Pleasure doing
business with you.
At least throw in a shirt.
Too much to ask?
Everything's a negotiation.
It's not necessarily
a bad thing.
Back to the embassy, Tonto.
(engine starts)
As much as I relish
leaving this shithole,
I'm gonna miss
your exquisite weed.
This was
all about scoring dope?
No, this is
about scoring with Malena.
She works
at the Danish embassy,
and I intend
to nation build with her
at the big party tonight.
Hence the primo smoke.
Ah. Diplomacy takes many forms.
Look, I spend all day organizing
clean water projects,
(honking)
only to see them
sabotaged by the Taliban.
Go! (speaks foreign language)
I deserve
a little Danish nookie.
What happened to Eva
at the German embassy?
She wanted me
to help her get a green card,
and that kinda...
(mimics plane diving)
ruined everything.
And if she finds out
about Malena, she'll send me
to the gas chamber.
I'm glad you're
risking my life
so that you can dine out,
at the International
House of Pussy.
(people shouting)
That's no gay pride parade.
Shit. They're still
protesting the election results.
Where do they find time
to do all this protesting?
(thuds)
Don't they have jobs?
Whoa, whoa.
Why are you stopping?
Something's not right.
Fuck me.
Stay here.
(mutters) Damn it.
(shouting continues)
(gunfire)
Shit!
Okay, you need to get
out of the car and help me
change this tire.
Yeah, pass.
I'm not really feeling
the love out here tonight.
Hey, they're coming here
for us, okay?
Where the hell is a drone
when you need one?
Oh, God!
I'm gonna be butt-raped!
You need to really stop
obsessing about man-rape
and get the fuck out of the car!
Let's get the fuck
out of here, god damn it!
Go, go, go, go!
(gunfire)
Go! Go!
(people shouting)
Oh, Jesus! (grunts)
(breathing hard)
Oh, outstanding.
Okay, see that? This is not
a spontaneous demonstration.
It's a show
staged by the military.
Which way
back to the embassy?
No, no, it's blocked.
We're going
to have to find a place
to lay low for a while.
How about Vancouver?
Ah.
(beeping)
No signal.
Huh?
Fuck!
The military has
cut off cell reception.
They do that a lot?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a Pakistani tradition.
(shouting)
(gunfire)
♪ ♪
Man: I just want
to get a straight answer.
Walter! Finally,
somebody who knows what's
going on in the world.
Good morning,
Mr. President.
Morning.
Are you sick?
You don't look well.
I've never felt better.
What's going on
in Pakistan?
There are anti-government
protests on the streets
of Karachi and Islamabad.
Diplomatic enclaves are sealed.
TV and radio are down.
Internet's down, too,
which means there's
no Twitter feed
to tell us
what the hell's happening.
Why can't we reach
the Pakistani ambassador?
He's been recalled.
Flew out of Dulles
six hours ago.
It's a signal.
The last call.
Stools on the bar.
No more business as usual.
Smells like
a coup d'état.
Led by who?
I can't tell you that.
I'm the president.
No, I mean...
we don't know.
Terrific.
Man: Mr. President,
all of Pakistan's
nuclear warheads
are at risk.
Imagine if al-Qaeda got
their hands on them.
Our contingency plan
needs to be put
into motion immediately.
Contingency plan?
Pierce, haven't you been
a busy little beaver?
President:
Now, what carriers
do we have nearby?
Well, the Reagan had
to leave station three days ago
due to propulsion issues,
but we do have
a backup en route,
and they can launch
from the Red Sea.
Adds a little flight time,
so we've begun putting
assets in the air now.
All we need is
your go-ahead,
Mr. President.
Whoa. Gentlemen,
let's just take
a breath here
and tuck our tiny
little peckers back
into our pants.
Here's an idea.
Let's find out what
the fuck is going on,
then we can start
World War III!
(softly)
Jesus, Walter, your breath is
a goddamn fire hazard.
Who do we have on the streets
outside the embassy?
We're still checking
on that, Mr. President.
Most of our key people were
already at the embassy
at a social function
when it was sealed off.
It's the monthly
"This country's
a ticking time bomb,
"so we might as well
all get shitfaced" gala.
It's a heck
of a party, actually.
We need eyes and ears
on the ground.
(whispering)
And I need hair
of the dog, pronto.
Yeah, well, you know
there's no alcohol allowed
in the situation room.
Well, make it look
like orange juice.
Christ, do you think LBJ fought
Vietnam in this room sober?
Yeah, we lost
that one, remember?
Tell me about it.
This job sucks ass.
I should've asked
for Secretary of Interior.
No one's gonna take you
away from a hooker
in the middle of the night
to save Mount Rushmore.
Yeah, well, too late.
Can I have a mint?
(scoffs)
Uh, a guy
named Billy called,
says he's a bartender
at Bobby Van's.
He says it's important.
I don't-- I don't know.
Kendra?
(people shouting)
It's not safe here.
You might as well have
a target on your back
with that
Brooks Brothers jacket.
I'm sorry.
I left my fez at home.
Okay. Shit!
I've got to get you
off the street.
We'll go
to my parents' house.
It's not far from here.
Isn't it a little soon
to meet your parents?
I mean,
we just started dating.
Rock and roll, baby!
Hey, what's going on, buddy?
Hey, you know
that public affairs officer?
Gail what's-her-name?
Real cute.
Who? Gail Sweet?
Yeah!
Yeah.
She's pregnant.
What?
(laughs) Yeah!
(chuckles)
CJ over in Medical told me.
God! Whoever she's banging--
luckiest son of a bitch
on this boat--
just became
the unluckiest.
She ain't pregnant.
(chuckles)
She can't be.
How would you know that?
Oh, shit!
Ah! She swore to me
she was on the pill, man.
Pregnant?
Well, that's what CJ says.
Fuck me! I cannot afford
this shit right now.
I'm worried
about you, Z-Pak.
I'm dealing with two
underwater mortgages
and child support.
I've been living
off of credit cards
since flight school,
flying $65 million
fighter jets
for minimum fucking wage!
I should've been
a plumber like my brother.
Son of a bitch
makes out like a bandit.
Well, you both know
how to lay pipe.
Zeke:
I could teach people
to push pills for me.
You in?
Fuck no.
No, I'm thinking
of taking my FAA exam.
Yeah, gonna fly
for FedEx or JetBlue!
I hate to pop
your dream bubble,
but FedEx ain't hiring
and Jet Blue pays shit.
Where'd you hear this?
Why do you think Mace
and Boomer just re-upped?
Well, it ain't for the food,
that's for damn sure.
So, you with me?
(jet passes)
Doesn't seem like
I got much of a choice.
Roger that.
(woman speaks on PA)
Is there any money
in crop dusting?
Now, will somebody
please tell me
who the fuck we're supposed
to bomb the shit out of?
Talbot:
Word is Walter Larson's gonna
make a run for president.
Rafiq: Mm-hmm.
And the last time he was here,
I hooked him up with girls.
Twins.
Blonde Asian twins.
High degree of difficulty
in this goddamn desert.
And he told me that
he and I were, and I quote,
"cut from the same cloth."
If he gets elected,
it'll be payback time.
Why are you here?
Because I can't get back
to the fucking embassy.
No, I mean, why are you
in the foreign service?
Mmm!
You make
a miserable diplomat.
Because when
all the other pricks
from my class at Dartmouth
went off to Wall Street
to suck every nickel
from the poor and middle-class,
I didn't want to be one of 'em!
Hard as it may be
for you to fathom,
I want to make a difference.
Ah, by procuring prostitutes
for your boss?
You know what?
An army marches
on its stomach.
Walter Larson
marches on his dick.
Who cares?
Underneath all that,
Walter's a good guy.
(strained)
I heard he tips well.
(people chattering)
Is that fresh-squeezed?
(whispers)
Yeah, just like you asked.
All right, we now believe
that whoever is in charge
has assumed command and control
of their nuclear arsenal,
and is attempting
to relocate the warheads.
♪ ♪
Terrific.
Pierce: Mr. President,
we need to take out
those key sites before
they can be moved.
Come on.
Once they're hit,
it'll be too late.
These sites are just guesses.
It's your same bad intel
that missed Bin Laden
year after year
while he was swapping
wives every night right
in the middle of Abbottabad.
All right, Walter,
what's your proposal?
Call an emergency session
of the UN Security Council,
get a regional summit going.
The region will be
a smoking ruin
before your summit
can negotiate a group rate
on hotel rooms.
You'll never hit
all those sites,
and the ones you miss
will end up being sold
to the highest bidder
on the black market!
Mr. President,
if you go with this plan,
it won't be long
before you see a listing
for a long-range
ballistic missile on eBay.
♪ ♪
(exhales sharply)
Oh, hello.
Nice house.
You live here?
Yeah, what did you expect?
I don't know. A mud hut,
stray goats, burning tires.
Oh. Yeah.
(laughs)
Hey, what does it feel like
to be such an asshole?
Well, the world is run
by assholes, my friend.
(sighs)
Don't underestimate
the asshole.
It's the most powerful
muscle in the body.
It will crush you.
(radio chatter)
(engines whining)
Ready?
Z-Pak!
You're being singled out
for something special.
Sir, what's going on?
You know as much as I do!
Just get on station
and await further instruction.
Hey.
Huh?
Here's the 50 that
I owe you for the Provigil.
How soon can you
get me some more?
Sir, having
a little supply issue!
(jet passes)
Should be all
straightened out shortly.
I'll be in touch, sir!
Good! I shouldn't have
to remind you that
if I fall asleep,
our planes end up
crashing into one another.
(chuckles)
Sir, no, sir!
This... is Alex,
the one that I was
telling you all about.
Oh. Yes.
So happy
to finally meet you.
Likewise.
Our son informs us
that your ignorance
of all things Pakistani
is truly astonishing,
a sight to behold.
I cannot wait
to witness it for myself.
Father: Naeema.
Naeema: And why is it you treat
my boy, little Rafi, so badly?
Hush, woman!
He is lucky to have this job.
But he has gained
so much weight
since he started working
for you people.
What are you feeding him?
Ignore my wife.
My son, he is
very happy working for you.
May I ask what you do?
I'm a writer.
He writes popular fiction--
spy novels, thrillers,
things like that.
He's been translated
into seven languages.
Random House has
an offer on the table.
A very generous offer.
I refuse to give up
movie and television rights.
The Middle East
is hot right now.
(door opens)
Man: What's going on?
Who is this?
This is...
Rafi's friend
from the American embassy.
This is my uncle Hasan.
He's a renowned psychologist,
teaches at the university.
You work for the CIA,
don't you?
What? Me?
No! Oh, God.
Honestly.
I-I-- I am...
in no way affiliated
with the Central Intelligence
Agency.
I am a functionary
of the State Department
at the lowest level.
(speaks Urdu)
(Rafiq laughs)
(Hasan speaks)
Naeema: Oh, yes.
(Rafiq speaks)
(father speaks)
(Naeema speaks)
What-- What are
you guys talking about?
(helicopter passing)
We were
just discussing
how much we admire
American foreign policy.
Yeah.
So, do any of you
have any idea what's
happening out there?
I mean,
has there been any news?
Uh... just bits and pieces...
Of people they believe
to be CIA collaborators.
(chuckles) Good.
A bit of that droll
Pakistani humor
you and your fellow countrymen
are not so famous for.
(laughs)
No?
Pakistani TV is back up.
♪ ♪
Pierce: Sound?
Man: Working on it.
Who the hell is that?
It's Umair Zaman,
the former general.
He's ex-ISI leader.
He's our guy.
He was our handpicked guy
until he turned radical.
He's still got a lot
of support in the army.
He's head
of the Pakistani Unity Party,
ran in the last election,
lost, contested the results.
I guess he's not bothering
to wait around for a recount.
Looks like
he's in charge now.
There-- Ah, sound.
(Zaman speaking Urdu)
Who speaks Urdu?
I do, sir.
Lovely.
If you could translate, please.
(clears throat)
He's saying
that the drone war being
carried out inside Pakistan's
sovereign borders is illegal.
The former government
was complicit in these crimes.
He says the US drone war
is a Zionist conspiracy.
He's just playing
to the cheap seats,
Mr. President.
He says
the American-Zionist drones
have spread dangerous
electromagnetic activity
across Pakistan, and...
Yes? Go on.
(clears throat)
This electromagnetic energy
is a secret
diabolical program
to alter the reproductive
biology of our girls
and to emasculate
our boys.
(Zaman continues speaking)
(whispers)
We're not really
doing that, are we?
(continues speaking)
What's he saying?
Rafiq: I don't know.
I don't know.
Something about the drones
being a form of birth control
invented by the Israelis.
He's completely
off his rocker.
Yes, Umair Zaman
is certifiable.
In fact, I certified him.
He suffered
a full psychotic break
about five years ago.
You treated him?
He was a patient
of mine for many years.
I have a file upstairs--
quite thick!
He has acute
episodic schizophrenia.
Textbook case, really.
So much for doctor-patient
confidentiality.
The militants are gonna
eat this nonsense up.
There's going
to be rioting.
They will burn
the Domino's Pizza
to the ground again.
We're gonna have to order
from Rawalpindi.
That's gonna take forever.
Have you been listening
to the television?
I don't believe
we've been introduced.
Alex, this is
my sister, Fareeda.
You must be my brother's
insufferable, oversexed boss.
(sighs)
Sorry to hear
about your STD.
(whispering)
Jeez, you didn't do me
any favors, did you?
(whispering) Hey, listen,
I'm not fucking around, okay?
You stay away from her,
or I will cut your throat
and put it on YouTube.
Whoa! Hey, my friend,
Yeah.
We've had
a very stressful night.
Let's just
inhale and exhale.
I'm just saying-- yeah.
God save us
from this lunatic.
It's God who is responsible
for this lunatic.
(shouting)
Hey!
What? I can't look?
I'm just looking at her.
(mutters)
No, don't look.
Look, I'm not a dog, okay?
I'm not gonna do anything.
Just keep it-- okay.
Okay.
"We cannot stand by
while our ability
"to reproduce is
attacked in this way.
"We will respond by using
our long-range power
"to remove the Zionist state.
"Israel is
an illegal entity."
Did he just say "remove"?
Yes, "remove."
What are the range
on their missiles?
Well, we've just discovered
they've acquired the ability
to reach Tel Aviv.
Terrific.
Translator:
"Tonight, we have
made history.
"Tomorrow, a new day
dawns on our nation.
"Good night.
"God is great."
Thank you.
Great job.
(whispers)
Get me her details.
Prime minister
of Israel on the line.
Oy.
(jet passes)
Oh, dude,
I'm really nervous.
This isn't my thing, man.
I just fly jets
and blow shit up.
Why'd they choose me?
Are you kidding me, man?
After downing
that Iranian arms shipment,
you're a rock star, brother.
(exhales sharply)
They got plans for you.
Unless those plans
include debt relief,
I'm not interested.
Glenn:
Hey, come on, buddy.
This is your chance
to shine a light on it.
You just relax
and be the Z-Pak.
(radio chatter)
What the hell was that?
A Xanax.
Oh, hell, yeah.
Gimme one of those.
You're like a pharmacy, man.
Damn, I love
flying with you.
Oh, man, I am having
the worst fucking day
of my life.
Man on radio:
20 knots over the deck.
Cleared for launch.
Man #2 on radio: Verified.
Avi, I understand
your concern.
Avi, please.
No, no, slow down.
Okay. I...
We're in the process
of finding out exactly
what he meant.
"Remove" could mean
10 different things in Urdu.
You know
these tribal languages.
I promise we will not
let that happen.
No, as soon
as I hear anything,
I will call you.
Yes, I promise that,
unlike your grandchildren,
I will call you.
Avi, don't do that.
Just wait.
(sighs)
♪ ♪
He says that unless we launch
a preemptive strike, he will.
Walter, talk to me.
Mr. President,
I am in the process
of tracking down
moderate elements
in the Pakistani government.
Give me 24 hours
to find a different way.
We don't have
24 hours, Mr. President.
We need to remove
those weapons now.
Spoken like
a true chicken hawk.
You're out of line, Walter.
Am I? I was
on the goddamn roof
defending the last chopper
out of Saigon
before my 19th birthday.
When you were 19,
you were date-raping
Radcliffe girls.
Fuck you.
Or was it Harvard boys?
Lucky for you,
your prick was so small,
they didn't have the heart
to press charges.
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Fuck you. Fuck you!
Both: Fuck you!
Enough!
What is it
with you two?
He started it.
I need
better information!
I need a tie breaker!
(whispers) Fuck you.
(whispering)
Grab the menu book,
'cause these hungry
little beasts need to be fed
or they're gonna
blow up the planet.
♪ ♪
(crickets chirping)
(stairs creak)
(clicks)
(whispering)
Oh, shit.
Oh, yeah, mamacita .
This shit is solid gold.
(scribbling)
(beeps)
(fax machine trilling)
I want Paris for this!
(whirring)
What are you doing?
Uh... you couldn't
sleep either?
You are CIA. I knew it!
Uncle Hasan, I can explain.
I had to fax my dad.
I get homesick!
Oh, God!
(grunting)
Stop, god damn it!
That hurts!
(thuds)
Oh!
(shouts)
Alex: Damn it!
I'm sorry.
What the fuck is going on?
He's attacking me!
This medical file
on Umair Zaman
just came in
from a source
on the ground,
Alex Talbot.
♪ ♪
Who's he?
He's a low-level embassy guy.
He works on clean water,
malaria projects--
stuff like that.
One of your guys, Walter?
Never heard of him.
Alex Talbot.
So he's CIA
under diplomatic cover?
No. He applied twice,
and we rejected him
'cause there were concerns
he wouldn't hold up well
under enhanced interrogation.
Well, he's working
for you now.
He risked life
for country to get us this.
This is page three of 30.
This--
This is incomplete.
Well, transmission
ended abruptly.
We're trying to pinpoint
the phone number now.
Does anybody object
to Thai food?
Jesus.
Just circle which one.
The summary, page two.
Zaman's been treated
for episodes of delusion
and personality disorder
going back a decade.
He suffered
a full psychotic break.
There's your tie breaker!
How is that a tie breaker?
The man is psychotic
and he's got his finger
on the button.
While I admit that
is cause for concern,
Mr. President,
the answer is not
to start global war.
♪ ♪
(sighs)
Pierce, set your plan
in motion.
(mutters)
Good lord.
I think you're making
a big mistake,
Mr. President.
(whispering)
We're going rogue.
Get me in touch
with my old friend
Haroon Raja in the ISI.
If we have any hope
of averting armageddon,
that two-faced
Paki weasel is it.
(whispering)
Two-faced Paki weasel.
But-- You--
Don't call him
a two-faced Paki weasel.
No, no, of course not.
Okay.
Avi.
(chuckles) Oh, man.
The Xanax is
starting to kick in!
Zeke: Wait a second,
this can't be right.
Our target's right
in the middle
of a residential district
in Islamabad.
Yeah. Went over that
in pre-flight.
I'm gonna reconfirm.
Flight Op!
This is Hammer One Nine,
do you read?
Man on radio:
Go ahead, Hammer One Nine.
Zeke:
Yeah, I got an issue
with this target.
Looks like
it's right in the middle
of a heavily populated area.
Is that correct?
(phone clatters)
Walter:
I just got off the phone
with the Chinese ambassador.
He's warning that
any action against Pakistan
will be seen
as an act of aggression
against an ally,
claims it gives them license
to move on their disputed
border with India.
This plan is already
starting to unleash
some major chain reactions,
Mr. President.
(whispering)
Indian ambassador just called.
He sounds freaked out,
convinced his country's
next on Zaman's hit list.
They're going on full alert.
Also, soup or egg roll?
It comes with.
Egg roll.
No, too greasy. Soup.
Mm-hmm.
Actually, I'll take both.
Yup. Okay.
And I want
zero civilian casualties.
Yeah, and I wanna fuck
Scarlett Johansson.
Mr. President,
there are no guarantees in war.
I have a high degree
of confidence
in the full array of assets
we've deployed.
That golf junket
you took with your wife
courtesy of Lockheed Martin
is really starting to pay off.
Excuse me?
Damn it, Walter.
Man: General Stanton
on the screen.
General, who's the tip
of the spear?
(mutters)
"Tip of the spear"?
What a tool.
Carrier Strike Group 16.
Some of the best pilots
this country
has ever sent into harm's way.
Man: I've got
a location on Alex Talbot.
It looks like a house
in a residential district
in Islamabad.
♪ ♪
You've been caught
red-handed!
We're all going to be shot
because of this pompous
douchebag!
(scoffs)
I'm sure you meant that
(helicopter approaching)
as the compliment
it was intended to be.
(pounding on door)
It is the army.
Shit.
Naeema:
Good-bye, Random House.
I say we hand him
over to them
and be done with it!
You wouldn't
happen to have an attic
or a hidden basement?
(speaking at once)
Come on, Rafiq.
This is insane.
We're pals.
No pals! He is CIA!
I told you from day one.
Rafiq, come on.
We smoked J together.
Mr. Alex, in Pakistan,
the army knocking,
that is not good.
It's not good.
Okay, everybody
just shut up!
Let me think!
(helicopter overhead)
(pounding continues)
Shit.
Mr. President, right now
I'd like to show you something
that's gonna
put you in the middle
of all the action.
Hello, Mr. President!
♪ ♪
Zeke-- I mean,
Lieutenant Commander
Zeke Tilson here.
Hello,
Commander Tilson.
It's an honor, sir,
to be chosen
to represent all
the brave men and women
who fight for this country
on a daily basis.
And I'd like to take
this opportunity--
Glenn: Oh, shit, man!
I can't feel my fucking face!
Hey, watch your mouth, man!
I'm talking to the fucking Pre--
(no audible dialogue)
What's going on?
Man: We-- We seem
to have lost audio.
♪ ♪
Ladies and gentlemen,
congratulations.
This plan is off
to great start.
(clicks tongue)
("Fortunate Son" playing)
I think I mixed up
the pills, man.
Yeah, well,
what the hell
did we take?
If it's what I think it is,
we're in for one hell of a ride.
Glenn: I think
I just shit my pants.
♪ Some folks are born ♪
♪ Made to wave the flag ♪
♪ Ooh, they're red,
white, and blue ♪
♪ And when the band plays
"Hail to the Chief" ♪
♪ Ooh, they point
the cannon at you, Lord ♪
♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪
♪ I ain't
no senator's son, son ♪
♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪
♪ I ain't
no fortunate one, no ♪
♪ Some folks are born
silver spoon in hand ♪
♪ Lord, don't they help
themselves, oh ♪
♪ But when the taxman
comes to the door ♪
♪ Lord, the house look like
a rummage sale, yes ♪
♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪
♪ I ain't
no millionaire's son, no, no ♪
♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪
♪ I ain't
no fortunate one, no ♪
♪ Yeah, now,
some folks inherit ♪
♪ Star-spangled eyes ♪
♪ Ooh, they send you
down to war, Lord ♪
♪ And when you ask them,
"How much should we give?" ♪
♪ Ooh, they only answer,
"More! More! More!" ♪
♪ It ain't me ♪