The Brady Bunch (1969–1974): Season 4, Episode 8 - Jan, the Only Child - full transcript

♪ Here's the story ♪

♪ Of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was bringing up ♪

♪ Three very lovely girls ♪

♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪

♪ Like their mother ♪

♪ The youngest one in curls ♪

♪ It's the story of a
man named Brady ♪

♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪

♪ They were four
men living all together ♪

♪ Yet they were all alone ♪



♪ Till the one day when
the lady met this fellow ♪

♪ And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪

♪ That this group must
somehow form a family ♪

♪ That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ That's the way we
became the Brady Bunch. ♪

Come on, Peter!

Give somebody else a chance!

All I was doing was
brushing my teeth.

Well, how many
teeth have you got?

The same amount as you,

but my mouth isn't
as big as yours.

Oh, ho, ho.



It's all yours, Your Highness.

Oh, very... Cindy!

( chuckles)

Cindy!

Marcia, wait a
minute. That's my bike.

I know. Mine has a
flat. I won't be long.

( music playing over TV)

( switch clicks)

What are you doing?

I was watching a movie.

Jan, we want to
watch a ball game.

Yeah, you can watch
a movie any old time.

But I want to see this movie.

Come on.

( talking over each other)
( knob clatters on floor)

That's your fault!

It is not! You broke
it! You made me.

Now we're going to miss
the ball game. I did not!

( arguing loudly)

Okay! Okay! Everybody, please.

Now, what's the problem?

I'll tell you what
the problem is.

You have to wait in line
for everything around here.

Someone's always
borrowing your things.

I never have any privacy

because I've got too
many brothers and sisters.

I wish I were an only child.

I have to live with five
brothers and sisters

all day... every day.

Okay, honey,

but they have to
live with you, too.

Well, I wish they didn't.

I'm tired of getting
pushed around.

Jan, you're not
getting pushed around.

Listen, when you
live in a large family,

you have to learn to
give and take a little bit.

Well, my friend Donna doesn't.

She doesn't have
any of these problems.

Yeah, but does your friend Donna
have any brothers and sisters?

No, and she couldn't be happier.

She doesn't have
to wait for the phone

or the bathroom or anything.

She has all the
privacy she wants.

Now, just a minute, Jan.

There are two sides to that.

Donna also doesn't have anyone
to help her with her homework

or to play with or
to go places with.

Well, that sounds great.

Well, Jan, what's
good for one person

isn't always good for another.

Listen, I think you
ought to consider yourself

a very lucky young lady.

Hear, hear.

Mom, Donna invited me

to spend Saturday
night at her house.

Okay?

Saturday night?

Now, Jan, you know that's
the night of the square dance.

We're going to be a square.

Well, couldn't
Alice take my part?

Well, yes, I suppose she could,

but it wouldn't be the
same without you, honey.

We're going as a family.

That's what I mean!

Donna doesn't have
to do family things.

Sometimes I wish I didn't
have any brothers or sisters.

Then I could do what I wanted
without anybody to bug me.

Hi, Alice.

Hi.

Hey, there's one left.

( grunts): Bobby,
you come back here!

Alice... Yeah, Bobby,
you come back here!

Why am I hollering

for Bobby to come back here?

'Cause he just took my apple.

Oh, well, if that's all

that's bothering
you, no problem.

Well, that was the
last apple, Alice.

Oh, no, no.

This is the last apple.

You're something
else, Alice. Thanks.

CAROL: Alice?

Mr. Brady's going to
drive me to the market

to pick up a few things.

I thought we finished all
the shopping yesterday.

Oh, but this is for
something special.

I decided to make
strawberry preserves

for the auction at
the charity hoedown.

You did? Yeah.

Something wrong?

Oh, no, no, it's just
that I was going to make

strawberry preserves
for the auction myself.

Oh. Well, mine are from my
grandmother's secret recipe, Alice.

Won four blue ribbons with it.

Must've been really
something. Yeah.

My aunt's secret
recipe won six ribbons.

Look, Alice, why can't
we both make preserves?

I mean, there's no
contest between us, right?

Right, right.

Okay. I-I'll go pick
up those things.

Uh, by the way...

what's in your
aunt's secret recipe?

Oh, I guess most
of the same things

that are in your
grandmother's secret recipe.

Well, bye.

Bye.

There. Oh, there they are.

Hey, these sacks will be great

for the potato-sack
race at the hoedown.

Yeah. Uh... don't you think

we'd better clean
them out first?

Nah, we'll just jump
the dust out of them.

Hi. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Hi.

What are you doing?

Have you got a problem?

No. We're just getting

the sacks ready for the race.

Maybe we'll win a prize. Yeah.

Yeah. Wait till you
see what we got

for the square dance. Yeah.

Wow. Look here.

Think the rain's gonna
hurt the rhubarb?

No, but I sure
hope it kills the corn.

Hey, it should be a lot of
fun Saturday night, huh?

Yeah. You know, I hope
Jan changes her mind

and decides to come with us.

Well, honey, don't
worry if she doesn't.

Jan's going through a phase.

She's thinks she
doesn't have any privacy.

It'll pass.

We all treat each
other the same.

She has as much
privacy as the rest of us.

Well, be a little
considerate of her

till she gets over her phase.

( with Southern
twang): Okay, we'll try

and take kindly to the critter.

( with Southern
twang): Yes, sir, we'll try.

( all laughing)

The reason I called, Amy,

is that groovy red hair
and mysterious green eyes

really turn me on.

It's Greg Brady.

You remember, I talked
to you in school yesterday

about the charity
hoedown Saturday night.

Yeah, well, I thought
if you were going...

Oh, it never fails!

One of them's
always on the phone

when you want to use it.

Do you mind? I'm trying to...

Uh, uh, Jan,
listen, if you need it,

I'll let you have the phone.

Listen, Amy, can I
call you back later?

Okay, good-bye.

Here you are,
Jan. It's all yours.

Gee, thanks.

75, 80, 90, 95.

I've got 95 cents.
How much you got?

I got 60 cents.

Let's see. 95 and 60.

That's $1.55.

Hey, that's more than we need.

What is this big
financial transaction?

We finally got enough
money to buy a trick rope

for the square
dance Saturday night.

Don't forget that 95
cents of that rope is mine.

You only get to
use 60 cents' worth.

Okay. I'll take 30 cents'
worth on each end.

Now, I don't understand that,
but it sounds mighty shrewd.

Look, Alice. Hmm?

Isn't that a pretty bracelet?

Oh, yeah. It's absolutely free.

Well, you'd better
read that small print

and see how free that "free" is.

Well, you do have to subscribe

to this new teen
magazine for $1.50,

and as usual, I'm broke.

Think we ought to
lend Jan the money?

Are you nuts?

What for?

To be considerate,
like Mom and Dad said.

Look, she's done a lot
of nice things for you.

Like what?

Well, like...

well, like she helped
you with your homework.

Homework's one
thing. Money's another.

Well, I'm going to
lend her my money.

There goes the rope trick.

You can put your
money back in your bank

or you can be a nice guy.

What a rotten choice.

Hey, Jan, how'd you like to get

that money for your bracelet?

Would I?

But it's only a loan.

What's the catch?

No catch. Just pay it
back whenever you can.

Don't rush.

We're just trying to
help you, that's all.

Gee, thanks.

That was a very
nice gesture, fellows.

You deserve to have
something nice done for you.

How about giving us $1.55?

Come on.

Ow! Freckles aren't
supposed to hurt.

That's enough.

Cindy, you want to
see how you'll look

before you go to the
square dance, don't you?

Yeah, but you better
not put too many on me,

or else they won't let me in.

Why?

They'll think I
have the measles.

( laughs) Hi.

Hi.

I'm sorry, Jan.

I was sitting on your bed.

I'll straighten it out.

I'll clean these
things off your desk

in case you want to use it.

Oh, and any time you
want your bed straightened,

I'll be glad to do
it. Cindy, come on.

Let's do the freckles
downstairs, okay?

CINDY: Have a nice privacy!

Alice, would you like to
see what's in my recipe?

I mean, I really
have no secrets.

No, I know you
don't, Mrs. Brady.

I wouldn't want my recipe
to be a secret, either.

Alice, could I borrow
some of the sugar, please?

Oh, sure.

Thanks. Mm-hmm.

Hmm, very interesting.

One cup of sugar

to three-quarters
of a cup of fruit.

Oh, is that what I used?

Mm.

Three dashes, huh?

Oh, well, who counts?

I think mine's ready to boil.

Mine, too.

Hey, what's cooking?

Oh, hi, honey.

Alice and I are making
strawberry preserves

for the charity auction.

Yes, Mrs. Brady and I

are both making
preserves for the auction.

Honey, which pot do
you think looks the best?

What is this, a contest?

No. Are you kidding?
Absolutely not.

Not at all. We
were just curious.

Yeah, listen, just to
satisfy my own curiosity,

I came in about my overalls.

Either these things were
made for Paul Bunyan

or two guys to wear
at the same time.

Ouch!

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Well, look, look,
just stay still, okay?

Could you use
shorter pins there?

Well, try not to move.

Okay, how that's
for length, Mr. Brady?

Let's see... Ow!

Mike, I told you not to move.

Well, you leave the
length to me, Mr. Brady.

I'll make sure
they're high enough

to show your purple
checkered socks.

Bring a tourniquet.
I'm bleeding to death.

Alice, have you
seen my magazine?

Well, isn't that it?

Oh, yes, thank you.

Reckon I'd better go get myself

some more pins.

Okay, now just
stand still like that.

Oh, Jan, listen,
would you like to try on

your dress for the square dance?

How come you got me one?

Well, I just thought

maybe you'd change your
mind and come with us.

Yeah, we're going
to have a lot of fun.

Well, I promised Donna that I'd
spend Saturday night with her.

Well, couldn't you spend
some other night with Donna?

I guess.

I'll have to think about it.

What are you doing?

Standing still.

( laughs)

Oh... you can use the stairs

if you want to.

I'll wait till later.

Cindy, what's going
on around here?

I was just trying
to be considerate.

Everybody is.

How come everybody's so
nice to me all of a sudden?

Because we're supposed to be.

What do you mean,
supposed to be?

We're supposed to be nice to
you until you get over your problem.

Then we can forget
about you again.

So that's it!

I didn't really mean... Come on.

JAN: Greg, Bobby, Peter!

BOBBY: What does she want?

GREG: What's going on?

Marcia, come in here a minute.

I want to talk to you.

GREG: Jan, what's this about?

Okay, you can just cut
out the special treatment.

Cindy told me everything.

Well, not everything.

Just what I wasn't supposed to.

You're a bunch of fakes.

That's what you are.

What do you mean, fakes?

I don't need your help,

and I don't need
your special treatment.

Jan, take it easy.

And I don't need you for
brothers and sisters, either.

See? Never lend
a relative money.

Who asked you to do it?

If I were an only child,

I wouldn't have any
phony brothers and sisters.

Who needs you?

You mean that, Jan?

You're right. I sure do.

Well, if that's what you want,

I'm sure it could be
arranged, right, you guys?

( agreements muttered)

You just lost yourself

five brothers and sisters.

And you can have the whole house

to yourself. Great.

For us, too.

As far as you're concerned,

we don't even exist.
Yeah, we're not even here!

GREG: Consider us invisible.

Come on, gang, let's disappear.

Yeah, let's go.

BOBBY: Let's disappear.

Why are we leaving for?

Yeah, this is our room.

( "Turkey in the Straw" playing)

Isn't this great, Donna?

I can talk on the phone

whenever I want
as long as I want.

Well, I'll explain
Saturday night

when I sleep over at your house.

Oh, that music's just
my family practicing

for that corny square dance.

( shouting and squealing)

I think that's
enough for tonight.

As they say down on
the farm, Pappy's pooped.

( all laugh)

MARCIA: Oh, wow, that was fun.

Do you mind?

I'd like to go upstairs.

Don't mind us.

We're invisible, remember?

( sighs)

Now, what was that all about?

Oh, we agreed to
make a deal with her.

What kind of a deal?

Well, she's always complaining

about wanting to
be an only child.

So what's the deal?

That's the way she wants it.

When she's around,
we don't exist.

We're invisible.

Uh-oh, Mike. What do you think?

Well, I think it's
better if the kids

sometimes work out
things for themselves.

You know, if that's the
kind of medicine Jan wants,

I think she's about
to get a big dose of it.

Well, here we go.

See you later, Mom.

Where are you going, honey?

To the library.

Okay, but be back by 1:00.

Alice doesn't run an
all-day lunch counter.

Hey! Just a minute, you.

What? What do you
think you're doing?

That's my sweater.

So what? I always
borrow your sweater.

Well, not anymore.

You no longer have
a sister named Marcia,

and if there's no Marcia,

there's no Marcia's sweater.

But, Marcia... Okay, kids, okay.

Mom, we made a deal, remember?

Yes, I remember.

And I'm sticking to it.

Jan, do you want to stick to it?

Yes.

Fine. I'll just take
my invisible sweater

and... vanish.

That's not fair.

I'm afraid it is, honey.

You can't have it both ways.

So long.

Finished your second
hamburger already, partner?

Yep.

I mean, for a little varmint,

you got the fastest
mouth in the west.

I'm sorry I'm late, Alice.

Guess Bobby ate
the last hamburger.

Oh, no. Remember, honey,

I came from a
large family myself,

and it teaches you to be
ready for any emergency.

This is the last hamburger.

Thank you, Alice.

Now, I can't tell you
where I got 'em stashed,

but in case you need 'em,
I also have the last pear,

the last peach and
the last banana.

Okay. Pass the
potato chips, Bobby.

I said pass the potato chips.

Alice, will you pass
what's-her-name

the potato chips?

They're right in front of you.
Your arms suddenly got short?

Well, you see, I
can't pass them.

I'm not here.

You're not here?

BOBBY: That's right.

How about you,
Jan? Are you here?

Of course I'm here.

You're here but he's isn't?

That's right.

Hi, Alice.

How about you, Greg?

How about me, what?

Are you here?

He isn't here, either.

Yeah, that's right.

Will somebody please tell me

what's not going on around here?

I guess we should
have filled you in, Alice.

Sit down and I'll explain.

Before I sit down,
tell me one thing.

What? Is that chair here?

( both laughing)

( laughs)

Right in the face.

I wonder what
kind of pie that was.

Wasn't that funny, Pete?

( dog barks on TV)

Isn't that terrific

the way they can make those dogs

do those backflips?

I wonder how they do
that. Isn't that cute, Cindy?

Hey, Marcia, would you...?

MIKE: Hi, honey, I'm home.

We're in here, Mike.

Hey, I do believe

I've died and gone
to strawberry heaven.

You want a taste?

Sure. Okay.

Mm, fantastic!

Well, that's Grandma's
old recipe for you.

Try mine, Mr. Brady.

Yeah.

Alice, that's out of this world.

Good old Aunt Millie.

Do you think Alice's
tastes better than mine?

Well, I didn't say that, honey.

You mean Mrs. Brady's
tastes better than mine?

I didn't say that, either.

Well, uh, what do you say?

Tell it like it is, Mr. Brady.

Well... Yes?

Let me put it this way.

Yes?

I don't want to
scrub the kitchen.

I don't want to
sleep in the den.

I ain't saying.

Chicken.

On your mark, get set... go!

Go, Cindy, come on!

Come on, Bobby! Come on, Bobby!

( shouting over each other)

Hurry, go!

PETER: Come on, Bobby!

Go! Go!

Catch 'em! Catch 'em! Go!

MARCIA: Good! Come on back!

GREG: Come on back!

Hi, Dad.

Hi, honey.

Mind if I watch?

No.

Not if you find
supermarkets interesting.

I'm crazy about supermarkets.

Wouldn't you rather be doing

something more interesting?

Uh-uh. This is very interesting.

I think the kids are out back

practicing the sack race.

I know.

Looks dull.

( sniffles)

Besides, they probably
wouldn't want me

out there anyway.

Well, you know, sweetheart,

sometimes when you make a deal

that turns out badly,

the best thing to
do is to get out of it.

Did they say it was a bad deal?

No, no, no, but you never know.

Sometimes when you
find it's turned out badly,

there's every chance that,
uh, they think it has, too, huh?

I don't know.

Oh, come on, come on.

You think about it, hmm?

Okay. Here.

Okay?

Yeah.

Go get 'em.

The boys against the girls.

Wait, wait, wait.
Cindy can't hop as far.

Yeah, I have shorter legs.

( all shouting and arguing)

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

Come on, Cindy, we'll team up

and we'll beat them.
I'll be the lineman.

Bobby, come on.

GREG: Hurry up.

I'm going to start right away.

On your marks, get set... go!

( all shouting)

Look out!

No! Come on!

Move it, Jan!

I won't! No! Move it.

No! Run along, Miss Only Child.

Well, if I'm an only
child, this is my backyard.

( all talking and shouting)

All right!

I'll get out of your way
on a couple of conditions.

What?

That you let me in the race.

Yeah?

And that you promise to be

my brothers and sisters again.

Are you sure that's
what you want, Jan?

Positive.

Once you've been pushed around

by brothers and
sisters like you,

you sure do miss it.

Nice to have you back.

GREG: Hey, Jan, grab a sack.

I'll be your partner!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I forgot something.
I'll be right back.

Hey, where are you going, honey?

To call Donna to tell
her I can't stay over

because I'm going
to the hoedown.

Oh, that's terrific! Hey!

Hey, I've got an idea.

Is it okay if I invite Donna

to come with us?

Sure. That's a good idea.

Good. Then she won't
be an only child, either.

GREG: Hey, Alice.

Why don't you fill in for Jan?

I need a partner.

Oh, no. No thanks.

Oh, go on, Alice. Oh, come on.

You can do it. Chicken,
chicken, chicken, chicken.

All right, I'll give it a try.

Hey, what are we
standing here for?

That looks like fun.

Well, I'm game if you are.

Come on.

On your mark, get set, go!

( all talking excitedly)

I know why they only have
this hoedown once a year.

Why? Whew! Takes that long

for your feet to recover.

Okay, everybody,
it's been a big night.

Let's hit the sack.

PETER: Okay, Dad,
we'll be up in a minute.

( all talking)

( Alice whistles)

Hold it, gang, hold it!

Now, look, I've had
a long, hard day,

and I am pooped, so please,
until tomorrow morning,

it's my turn to be invisible.