The Brady Bunch (1969–1974): Season 4, Episode 3 - The Tiki Caves - full transcript

♪ Here's the story ♪

♪ Of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was bringing up ♪

♪ Three very lovely girls ♪

♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪

♪ Like their mother ♪

♪ The youngest one in curls ♪

♪ It's the story of a
man named Brady ♪

♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪

♪ They were four
men living all together ♪

♪ Yet they were all alone ♪



♪ Till the one day when
the lady met this fellow ♪

♪ And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪

♪ That this group must
somehow form a family ♪

♪ That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ That's the way we
became the Brady Bunch. ♪

We've been all over
these burial grounds.

There's nobody here.

Well, someone must
have lit these torches.

Let's keep looking.

NARRATOR: The Brady boys
never thought their vacation in Hawaii

would end up in an
ancient burial cave.

The family goes
to Hawaii with Mike



while he works on
a job for his firm.

At the construction site,

Bobby and Peter
find a small idol.

They're unaware that according
to ancient Polynesian belief

the idol is an evil taboo

bringing bad luck
to all who touch it.

First Bobby is almost hit
by a heavy wall decoration

while he wears the
idol around his neck.

Then Greg is wearing the idol

when he has a terrible
wipeout while surfing.

And when Peter is wearing it,

he has an unwelcome
visitor in the night.

Then the boys learn
about the ancient taboo

from an old Hawaiian gentleman.

He tells them that the evil
curse can only be broken

by returning the idol to
the ancient burial ground

of the island kings.

The boys are unaware
that they're being shadowed

by a mysterious stranger.

GREG: Hey!

Anybody here?

Boy, it's spooky in here.

Hmm, that's it.

( cackles evilly)

Scare them out of here.

( rock tumbling and clattering)

What was that?

One of us probably
just kicked a rock.

But we're just standing here.

Oh, you guys and
your imagination.

( hinge creaking)

That wasn't my imagination.

My imagination doesn't creak.

Okay, okay, so
something creaked.

What could creak in here?

Dead bones could creak.

( sighs) Oh, I can feel
it in my bones, Alice.

Something's wrong.

Oh, I'll bet they'll
be home any minute.

You know those guys.

When they're having fun,
they forget about everything.

Not dinner.

Oh, Mike, did you
find the bus driver?

Yeah. He remembers
the boys getting off the bus,

but he doesn't
remember exactly where.

Maybe we ought
to call the police.

Tell them what, honey?

The boys are a little late?

He's right, Mrs. Brady.

It's like I said before...

They forget about everything
when they're having fun.

Dead end.

Just say, "end."

Don't say "dead."

I'm with him.

Oh... Oliver,

Oliver, how could I
have been so careless?

I... I should have covered
the entrance to the cave better.

Those children are
gonna ruin everything.

I've got to get
rid of them, hmm.

Will you guys come on?

We're gonna be in a lot of
trouble with Mom and Dad.

Yeah, we shouldn't
have done this.

You're both just scared.

Why don't you admit it?

I'm not scared.

I'm not scared!

Okay.

You stay here while
I go look down there.

I'm scared!

We admit it!

( chuckling)

Did you hear that, Oliver?

I really did frighten them.

Now to finish the job.

I think that we should tell
Mom and Dad where they went.

Jan's right.

We should tell them.

But we gave our
promise that we wouldn't.

I say we wait a little longer.

Another dead end.

I tell you, there's nobody here.

( man groaning)

Did you hear that?

Yeah, I heard it.

If that's nobody, I
don't want to meet him.

( groaning grows louder)

I'm getting out of here!

I'm with you.

GREG: Hold up, you guys!

Don't panic.

All right, we know
someone's in here,

so come out, whoever you are.

( hinge creaks)

( creaking)

( yelling)

( yelling and
groaning continuously)

( continues yelling)

( yelling stops)

Darn it, they went
the wrong way.

Well, Oliver, if I can't
get rid of them one way,

I'll get rid of them another.

All right!

I tried to frighten you,

but you wouldn't go.

Now, come on out!

I've got you trapped!

Why didn't you
tell us this before?

MARCIA: Well, because
we promised the boys

that we wouldn't.

Oh, honey, you
know better than that.

You don't keep a
promise like that

if you know it
might hurt someone.

Where'd they go?

We don't know.

But the boys did say that
they were gonna take the idol

back to some old burial ground.

Well, didn't they
say where it was?

No, but old Mr. Hanalei
told them about it.

MARCIA: He works for the
construction company, Dad.

Well, I think we'd better
have a talk with Mr. Hanalei.

Right.

Well, this is definitely a
fly in the ointment, Oliver.

A sticky wicket.

What are we gonna do
with these boys, Oliver?

He keeps calling
that thing "Oliver."

When you've been
alone as long as I have,

you need companionship,
someone to talk to.

Well, sure, everybody
needs a friend.

Yeah, but the point is,

what are you doing here?

Nobody knows about
this cave but me.

We just stumbled onto it.

Honest, we came
to the burial ground

to bring back the little idol.

Idol? What idol?

In Greg's pocket.

Which one is Greg?

The big one.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh, it's exquisite.

It's a, it's a most important
archeological find!

Oh, you naughty, naughty boys.

You didn't bring this here.

You found it while you've
been here in this cave.

No, we didn't. We found
that back in Honolulu.

Don't lie to me.

You found a find
that I didn't find.

Honest, mister, we didn't find
a found that you didn't... find.

Stubborn, aren't you, huh?

Well, I can wait.

I can wait a long, long time

because you're
gonna never leave here

until you tell me the truth.

I did nothing wrong.

We're not blaming
anybody, Mr. Hanalei.

You just tell us
where our boys went.

I did nothing wrong.

Please, Mr. Hanalei.

They boys are lost.

They haven't come back.

They did not come back?

No. Won't you please help us?

That is bad.

I will tell you
what I told them.

Boy, those beans sure look good.

Well, all you have to do is

spill the beans
and they're yours.

Mister, we're telling you
the truth about the idol.

That's right, Mr., uh...

Not mister... Professor.

Professor Hubert Whitehead.

You're a professor?

Mm, professor of archaeology.

Archaeology... that's about
digging up ruins, isn't it?

Ruins and bones and
mummies, other fun things.

( chuckling)

I don't suppose any of you
have ever heard of me, huh?

No, I don't think we have.

No, nobody has,
that's my problem.

You know, I remember once

when I was digging
along the Nile

( chuckling) with Caruthers...
the wretched chap.

Caruthers, I never
could stand him.

He was always winning...
You know what I mean?

Oh, I know a guy like that.

Well, we were searching
for the lost tomb of a pharaoh,

and we almost had it
narrowed down to the exact spot

when Caruthers suggested
that I search one way

while he searched another.

What happened?

Caruthers found the tomb.

And you?

Oh, I got lost, hmm.

Uh, that's tough
luck, Professor.

Is that what you're
doing here now?

Looking for stuff for a museum?

Museums?

( scoffs)

I've turned my back
on the academic world.

There are treasures
buried in this cave

that are worth a
fortune, a fortune,

and they're mine, all mine.

You mean you're gonna steal it?

Please, I prefer to think of it

as proper compensation
for past injustices.

That's why you're
going to tell me

where you found that idol
because wherever it was,

there's bound to be more.

We already told
you... Back in Honolulu!

I want the truth!

Hmm.

You're somebody's
children, aren't you?

Yep.

And we'd like to
keep it that way.

Precisely why
you're going to tell me

where you found that idol.

Now, you think about it
while I go reheat my beans.

That guy's a real ding-a-ling.

Yeah. We gotta get out of here.

Don't worry.

When he tied us up, I
kept some slack in my rope.

Should be out of
this in a minute.

Honey, are you sure
this is the right place?

From what Mr. Hanalei
said, it has to be.

Oh, it's not gonna be easy
to find them in here at night.

No, but we're gonna
find them, come on.

Don't make a sound.

Thought you could get away

from the old
professor, didn't you?

Didn't you?!

( cackling)

Very naughty of you
trying to run away.

We're sorry, Professor.

Yeah, we just lost our heads.

Shh! Don't give him any ideas.

This foolishness
has got to stop.

Either you tell me

where you found that idol,

or I'm going to take
what treasure I can

and leave you tied
here in this cave and go.

Now start talking.

I have something
to tell you, Professor.

What?

Your beans are burning.

Oh, good heavens.

I had to get rid of
him for a minute

so we can figure out what to do.

We told him the truth.

He won't believe us.

Yeah, we found
the idol in Honolulu.

This time we'll lie.

We gotta stall for time.

What good will that do?

The girls know
where we are, right?

They'll tell Mom and Dad,
and they'll come and get us.

But you made the girls
promise to keep a secret.

That's the point.

Those blabbermouths
never keep a secret.

Boy, I hope you're right.

Now we'll stall for time.

And even if Mom
and Dad don't come,

something else might happen.

I can think of lots of
things that could happen.

Me, too.

And I don't like any of them.

Honey, look.

What is it?

That's popcorn,

and it leads away
from here just like a trail.

Oh, and Bobby's
always eating popcorn.

That's right. I'm
sure it's a trail.

Come on, honey,
we're gonna find them.

Professor?

A word of thanks.

You saved my beans, boy.

Oh. Well, good.

Now, let's get on with it.

Are you prepared to tell me

where you found that idol...

The precise spot in this cave?

That's the trouble...

We don't remember exactly.

You see, we found it while
you were trying to scare us away.

Shall we believe him, Oliver?

BOBBY: Believe
us, Oliver, believe us.

If you untie us, Professor,

we're sure we can help
you find the exact spot.

All right.

All right, I'll untie you.

But don't try to run away,

because if you do...
We get the point.

Hey... there's some
more popcorn, honey.

Oh, maybe it's not Bobby's.

Maybe it's been there for days.

No, no, with all the
birds around here,

not a chance. Come
on, honey, let's go.

I thought you knew
exactly where you found it.

Well, I didn't mean
exactly exactly, Professor.

I meant exactly in
the exact location,

not the exact spot

in the exact location exactly.

Understand?

Exactly.

You do?

Well, I mean, I now believe

that you found the
idol in Honolulu.

So there's only one thing to do.

Let us go?

Wrong.

I have no choice.

Do we have a choice?

No. I'm gonna tie you up again
and get out with my treasures.

All right, now,
move, move, move,

move, move, move!

Move!

All right, over
there, over there.

Hey, this isn't my tiki.

That's my tiki.

( fussing)

Get over that end.

Oh, for goodness'
sake, take any tiki!

Ugh!

Mike, this must be
the burial ground.

Carol, look.

I'm sorry if I
frightened you, boys.

I never really
meant to hurt you.

When I get into town,

I'll send someone
back to let you go.

Would you like some beans?

BOBBY: Mom!

PETER: Dad!

GREG: Over here!

Oh, boys, are you all right?

GREG: Yeah, we're
glad you're here.

Oh, now everybody knows
about my secret cave.

It's become a
tourist attraction.

Listen, I don't know

who you are or
what you're doing,

but you've got a lot
of explaining to do.

Yes, I suppose I
do owe you that.

So, let me say once
again how sorry I am

that I frightened
your boys, Mr. Brady.

All I ever really wanted

was a place of my own
in the academic world

and now I've sunk to crime.

I'm an archeological dropout.

Professor, you
didn't really think

you'd get away with stealing
all these treasures, did you?

Well, one has hopes.

What if you reported the
cave and the treasures

to the state of Hawaii?

Well, I've thought about that

but somehow, some way,

somebody else would
get the credit for it.

Well, not if you
had five witnesses

who would swear
that you found it.

Five witnesses?

Me, my boys and my wife.

Then I'd be assured of reporting
a major archeological find.

Right!

You'd do that for me?

Sure.

I'd be famous.

Oh, Oliver!

Oliver, did you hear that?

I've done it.

I've made a discovery
of my very own...

Me, Oliver, me.

Oh, Oliver.

Well, we found it.

The tomb of the first king.

And we put the taboo idol back.

Honey, you know, there are
some very weird things in here.

Oh, you're telling me.

Oliver... Oliver.

( chuckles)

That's just Oliver.

( rhythmic drumming)

( man yells)

( man yells)

( man hooting)

( man howls)

( man yells and grunts)

( applause)

Tonight, with this
luau, we celebrate

the illustrious Dr. Whitehead's
amazing archeological discoveries...

( cheering)

and his appointment

as developer and curator of the
museum's new Whitehead wing.

GREG: Congratulations.

Congratulations, Professor.

We also wish to honor
the Brady family...

who helped make
his discovery possible.

( crowd murmuring)

We consider them kama'ainas...
Old Hawaiian friends.

Aloha, pumehana.

ALL: Alo-ha!

Let us rejoice.

As tradition demands,

you must sound the
horn of brotherhood.

CAROL: Come on, sweetheart.

( blowing high tones)

Good.

( blowing high tones)

Oh, my goodness!

( blows feebly)

( laughing)

( laughing)

Forget it.

( tooting)

CAROL: Come on, Alice.

( slight toot)

I think my lip is gone.

( low, smooth toot)

( medium-high toot)

CAROL: He's a tenor!

( long, high tooting)

MIKE: That's a
pretty good sound.

( low toot)

( long, low tooting)

Small boy has big lung.

Now let the luau continue.

( rhythmic drumming)

Hmm, it's been a
magnificent evening.

Oliver would have loved it.

Oh, honey, this has been an
absolutely marvelous vacation.

It'll be a real marvel

if we can get everything packed

so we can go home. Yeah.

All us guys are ready, Dad.

MIKE: Great. Hey, Bob,

come here. Give me a hand.

Now, hop up there.

That's it.

Boy, am I glad we're not taking

that bad luck idol home with us.

Honey, that's not
a bad luck idol.

Right... the bad luck
is all in your head.

What about Greg getting hit

on the head with a surfboard?

Well, it was good luck

he wasn't really
hurt, right? Yeah.

What about the spider
that crawled on Pete?

He was lucky it
wasn't poisonous.

Oh, I get it.

I guess it just depends
on how you look at things.

Exactly.

Wait a minute.

There, okay.

Oh, uh-oh!

Well, I broke my sandal.

What rotten luck.

No, that's good luck.

Good luck?

Sure, you're lucky
your foot wasn't in it.

It all depends on
how you look at things.