The Brady Bunch (1969–1974): Season 4, Episode 22 - You Can't Win 'Em All - full transcript

Bobby and Cindy have been chosen to take the test for their respective grades to see which four students will represent Clinton Grammar School at the upcoming "Question the Kids" television quiz show. Humble Cindy asks for help studying from everyone in her family as she believes only hard work will yield positive results. Right before the exam, Cindy, despite her constant studying, states that she can only do her best and hopes that is enough to be chosen. Bobby, however, gets an extreme case of swelled head, he who believes he's a cinch to be chosen. As such he forgoes studying. Cindy's hard work pays off as she is indeed chosen, but Bobby, to use his own words, gets "wiped out" by the exam and doesn't make the final four. These results lead to the swelled head getting transferred to Cindy, who believes that she is now a celebrity. Her swelled head does affect her performance on the quiz show, but not quite in the same manner that it previously affected Bobby. Meanwhile, Mike and Carol are planning on holding a small barbecue for a few friends. That planned dinner constantly gets changed, from the ever growing invitation list, to the meal to the date.

♪ Here's the story ♪

♪ Of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was bringing up ♪

♪ Three very lovely girls ♪

♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪

♪ Like their mother ♪

♪ The youngest one in curls ♪

♪ It's the story of a
man named Brady ♪

♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪

♪ They were four
men living all together ♪

♪ Yet they were all alone ♪



♪ Till the one day when
the lady met this fellow ♪

♪ And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪

♪ That this group must
somehow form a family ♪

♪ That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ That's the way we
became the Brady Bunch. ♪

Alice? Hmm?

How come we buy the
same things every week?

Maybe it's because we got
the same kids every week.

Mother! Alice! CAROL: Hi, hon.

Guess what happened
at school today.

What?

I was picked from
all the kids at school



to be on a television show.

On a television show?

Yeah. The one called
Question the Kids.

That's the one where
kids from different schools

compete against one another.

Right. Oh, that's
wonderful, sweetheart.

Congratulations, Cindy.

When are you going to be on TV?

Well... I'm not sure I am
going to be on television,

but I got picked!

You got picked to do what?

Well, you see,

there are different
tests for different grades,

and I got picked to take
the test for my grade

to see who gets picked
to be on television.

Oh, well, that's
still terrific, honey.

Big deal.

I got picked, too, for my grade.

Both of you got picked?!

That's terrific.

Boy, we've really
got some brains

in this family, huh, Alice?

Yeah, two eggheads
in the same nest.

Lots of kids got
picked to take the test,

but only four get
to be on television.

So we'll have to study real hard

or we won't even
have a chance to win.

It'll be a cinch...
for me, anyway.

Too bad Bobby's suffering

from a lack of
confidence, isn't it?

Hey, Bobby... I've
got a great idea.

What?

We both have to take a test

to be on the television show,
so why don't we study together?

I don't have time.

Why not?

I'm busy.

I'm building a real Indian tepee

like I saw in the movies.

What's so important
about building an old tepee?

Just ask any old Indian.

I've got to wash my hair today.

It looks awful.

I've got to study my French.

Lately, it sounds
like Pig Latin.

Jan?

Mm-hmm.

Would you help me study?

I'm sorry, Cindy, I can't.

I've got to wash my hair.

Can't you wash it tomorrow?

What? And take a chance

of having oily follicles?

Would you help me study, Marcia?

Can't, Cindy.

I've got to study this
French vocabulary.

Then I guess I
might as well forget

about being on television.

You mean you made it?

You mean you got picked
to take that television test

that we were talking about?

Yeah.

Well, sure, we'll help you.

You will?!

Sure.

Gee, do you have to
learn both those big books?

Oh, no. All of these, too.

Hey, uh, Bobby,

aren't you supposed
to be studying?

What for?

For that test for
the television show.

Don't you want to be on TV?

Sure, but I know all that stuff.

Cindy's really
studying for her test.

Maybe I'm smarter than she is.

You're not too smart
about putting up a tepee.

Hey, come on, let's help him.

Hold it!

I know all about
putting up one of these.

Oh, well, listen to
Big Chief Know-It-All.

Hey, you start.

Okay. Go.

Uh-huh. Just you, the
Swansons and the Clarks.

Yeah, no, no, no, just
wear something casual.

Mike's going to barbecue.

Okay, right, yeah.
Saturday the third, okay?

Bye-bye.

Hey, you guys, look!

Wow!

Not bad.

See, I told you I could
do it all by myself.

Hey!

Look like you big mistake.

Hey, Alice, I
think this solution's

finally getting the
rust off the barbecue.

The Watsons got
some special stuff

they just sprayed on the grill

that ate the rust right away.

Well, why don't we use that?

'Cause it ate the grill, too.

Oh.

Mike? Yeah?

I just talked to the
Clarks and the Bernsteins,

and they said the third
would be just great.

Hey, good. Oh, listen.

I forgot to tell you I ran into
Ross Allen and Don Metzger,

and they'd heard about the
party from Chuck Swanson,

so I had to invite them, too.

Oh, but, honey, if we invite

the Allens and the Metzgers,

then we're going
to have to invite

the Kaufmans and the Burkes.

Well, why don't
we ask them, too?

Steaks for 14 people?

Well, I could take
a loan on the house.

Mrs. Brady, why don't
we have a Mexican dinner?

It would cost a lot less.

Hey, Alice, that
sounds like a great idea.

Listen, I thought you
wanted me to barbecue.

I've got some great
Mexican recipes.

They come in three
degrees: hot, super hot...

and pass the fire extinguisher.

I think hot'll be hot enough.

I'll bet that "pass the
fire extinguisher" one

is really something special.

Automatically makes
you a Mexican citizen.

I spent all afternoon
cleaning the barbecue.

Can I see some of those recipes?

Yeah, sure. Oh, good.

Carol?

Yeah?

What about my barbecue?

Oh!

It looks just terrific.

Adios.

I spent all afternoon
cleaning the barbecue...

Really looks terrific.

A-ha! Here's one.

Who gave the famous
speech that started,

"Four score and
seven years ago..."?

Abraham Lincoln.

That's right.

I'm going to give you
one to test your logic,

so listen real carefully.

It's tricky. Okay.

You're the bus driver,
and the bus is empty.

At your first stop,
ten people get on.

At your second stop,
nine people get off,

but two more get on.

Okay? Okay.

Okay. At your next stop,

two people get on,
but four more get off.

You got that?

Got it. Okay.

Now here's your question.

What's the name
of the bus driver?

The name of the bus driver?

Yeah.

How should I know?

Cindy Brady.

I said you were the bus driver.

I told you it was tricky.

That was real tricky.

Okay, now here's
another one, Cindy.

See if you can get this.

It's tricky, now. You ready?

I'm ready.

All right. There's a rooster,

and he's sitting
on top of the house

and it has a slanted roof.

Now, when he lays an
egg, which side will it roll off?

It won't roll off at all,

'cause roosters don't lay eggs.

That's right.

That's using logic.

Mrs. Brady?

Yeah. I found that magazine

with the recipes in it.

Oh, good, we can get started

on our smorgasbord menu.

What smorgasbord menu?

For our party on the tenth.

What happened to
our party on the third?

Oh! Didn't I tell you?

The Kaufmans and the Burkes
couldn't make it on the third,

so we switched it to the tenth.

What about all
that Mexican food?

Oh, honey, well, see,

the Swansons and the Allens
have guests that weekend,

and the Metzgers' uncle is
visiting them from Seattle,

so they have to
bring them along,

and that's just too many
people for a sit-down dinner.

So instead of Mexican food

on the third, we're
going to have

smorgasbord on the tenth. Right.

We not only change dates,
we change continents.

Oh, that's right,
today's the big day

of the TV test, isn't it?

I got it down cool.

Yeah, good luck.

Good luck, honey.

How about you, Cindy?

Are you ready for it?

Well, I'll just try
to do my best.

Well, honey, that's
all any of us can do.

Bye-bye. Good luck.

I still don't understand

why we're having smorgasbord

when we've got 45
pounds of Mexican food?

And the party's on
the tenth, not the third.

I wonder if I'm invited.

Find anything interesting

for our smorgasbord, Alice?

Well, nothing I can pronounce.

Here's one that sounds good,

but it's complicated.

I don't know if you can make it.

It's, uh, a recipe
for sma kottbullar.

If you can say
it, I can make it.

Oh, here's some more.

There's, uh... rhabarb bragrot

persch torsk... schlot steak

and that old
standby, frikadeller.

Such language!

I'm glad the children
aren't around.

I can't wait to see how
this dinner turns out.

I've got some more recipes
in that magazine in my room.

I'll get it. Okay.

Mom! Mom!

I won! I won!

I'm going to be on television!

Oh, sweetheart,
I'm so proud of you!

Me, too.

How'd Bobby do?

I didn't even wait to find out.

I wanted to come home
and tell you about me!

Congratulations, honey.

Why don't you go
tell Alice the news?

She's in her room.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey.

Come here.

How'd you do on the test?

I got wiped out.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

It was a tough test.

Really tough, huh?

It was so tough, lots
of guys didn't make it.

Let's face it, chum:

You didn't make it
because you didn't study.

Well, maybe not too much.

Yeah. Maybe not at all.

I guess.

Bobby?

You're going to be on the
TV show with me, aren't you?

You mean you won?

Sure. Didn't you?

No.

It was a tough test.

Tough?

Mine was easy for me.

I guess I'm just
smarter than you are.

How.

Hi, Dad.

Hmm.

Well, I hear of tribe
named Blackfoot.

Never hear of tribe
named Sneakerfoot.

You did a nice
job on your tepee.

Yeah. Better job
than I did on that test.

Mm-hmm. Well, cheer up.

It's not the end of the world.

I guess I was a real
dummy for not studying.

Yeah. Well, if you
never make a mistake,

you never learn a lesson, huh?

I guess so.

Yeah. That's all
water under the bridge.

Okay, Chief?

How.

How.

Hey, Cindy, you want
to play in the tepee?

Don't be silly.

What's silly about it?

I might get dirty.

So what?

Television stars
don't play in tepees

and they don't get dirty.

Who's a television star?

I am, that's who.

Hi, Cindy.

You want to lick the bowl?

No thanks. It's not ladylike.

Ladylike?

Yes. What are we
having for dinner?

Swiss steak and spaghetti.

Not me.

Honey, those are
two of your favorites.

Not anymore, they're not.

They're rich and fattening.

Well, sure. All
that good stuff is.

Just fix me a
small salad, please.

Hey, wait a second.

Do you mind telling
me why the special diet?

A star can't go on television

all fat and broken out.

Hi.

Hi.

Cindy's at it again.

She's been in there for an hour.

"When you're a TV star,

your hair has to be just right."

How many ways can
there be to fix hair?

She's tried
everything but an afro.

Well, if she keeps this up,

she won't have to worry
about her hair on the TV.

She'll be bald.

I was wondering...

do you think I ought to
have my ears pierced?

Cindy, the last thing you need

is two more holes in your head.

Oh, no.

Cindy, not again.

I have to make sure

I wear just the right
thing on television, don't I?

But, Cindy, you've already tried

these dresses on umpteen times.

So? I don't know which goes best

with my hair and my eyes.

Cindy, you're really
getting to be a drag.

You're acting as if it
was a beauty contest

instead of a brain quiz.

Okay, then, just name
me one big television star

who isn't worried
about the way she looks.

Lassie.

Arf, arf.

Hurry.

Oh... Oh, God.

Well... six shopping carts full.

I think that's a new record.

Yeah, but you've got to admit,

this smorgasbord
is a pretty good idea.

We have got enough
food to feed all our friends,

their relatives,
their houseguests,

plus any last-minute drop-ins.

Even their drop-ins
can bring their drop-ins.

Ooh, looks like you've got

plenty of smorgas for the bord.

There's still more
smorgas in the car.

Hey, Alice, were there
any calls while we were out?

Just one.

The school called
to give you the date

of Cindy's television show.

Oh, good. When is it?

I'll give you a hint.

We're going to be eating
this stuff a long, long time.

Alice... you don't mean...?

I do mean.

No, no, no. No, no.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, naturally, the tenth...
The night of our party.

I'll get the rest of the stuff

out of the car.

You know... I don't believe it.

First, we're going to invite
a couple of friends over.

I'm going to barbecue steaks.

Then we changed
to a Mexican dinner

so we can invite more people.

So I cancel the steaks.

I run all over town

in search of authentic
Mexican food.

But then we switch
to a smorgasbord

so we can have friends
and friends of friends

and uncles and relatives
and assorted drop-ins.

But now I have got
enough Mexican food

to feed every guitar
player in Guadalajara,

and I corner the
market on herring.

And now I find out

that we are having a party
for 26 people on the tenth,

and the only people

who aren't going
to be here are us.

That was a wonderful
soliloquy, Hamlet.

Are you finished?

Yes.

Ah, maybe you
better go help Alice

get the rest of the
things out of the car.

Poor dear.

Mom, we're going to
study in the family room.

Oh? What's wrong
with your own room?

It's too full of Cindy,
the television star.

She has her clothes
scattered all over

and she never stops talking
about being on television.

Cindy... How do you
think these look, Mom?

Terrible.

You are much too young

to be wearing Marcia's earrings.

I can see now why Marcia
and Jan are complaining.

They're just jealous.

They are not jealous and they're
not the only ones complaining.

If you mean Bobby, he's just mad
because he was too dumb to win.

Listen, sweetheart,
Bobby is not dumb.

If he didn't win,

it's just because
he didn't study.

Well, that's dumb.

Besides, he's a bad loser.

It seems to me that
you're a bad winner.

You know, you shouldn't
put down a loser, Cindy,

because you might be
one yourself someday.

Just remember that.

Don't you want to come

and watch me be on television?

Uh, no thanks.

I've had you and TV up to here.

Okay, then you're going
to miss all the excitement.

Oh, we'll try to
live through it.

I never thought my own
sisters would be so jealous.

She's got a size ten
body and a size 24 head.

I'm leaving for the show now.

Hooray.

Would you boys
like to be the first

to get my autograph?

Autograph?

Uh, I'm afraid

that's just too big an
honor for us, Cindy.

Okay. You had your chance.

Cindy, will you please come on?!

It's time to leave!

You folks all set to go?

Yeah. Hey, Alice, will you try

to get the kids to watch
Cindy on television?

Cindy!

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Good luck, honey.

Do you think this dress
will look good on color TV?

Maybe I'd better
wear my blue one.

Uh, uh, Cindy.

Come on, come on.

Give me that compact.

Let's go.

Good-bye, Alice.

Bye.

Now, don't forget, kids,

when this little
red light goes on,

we're on the air

and we'll be in
everybody's living room.

Now, does everybody
have their thinking caps on?

Yes, sir!

Good.

Take your places.

I was just about
to call you kids.

Alice, we wouldn't
miss Cindy for anything.

That's what I call
real family spirit.

We want to see Miss Smarty-Pants

fall right on her big, fat head.

Yeah, we can't wait
to see her bomb.

Like I said, real family spirit.

Hey, Bobby, turn
it up, will you?

The questions I'll be asking

are based on your
regular schoolwork,

so when you know the
answer, just raise your hand.

And remember,
when that little red light

on that camera goes
on, we're on the air.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to the
Question the Kids show.

I'm Monty Marshall,
your quizmaster.

And tonight, it's
Clinton Grammar School

versus Woodside.

And may the better team win.

Now, here's your first question.

Listen carefully.

"Four score and
seven years ago..."

is the beginning of what speech?

Yes, Woodside?

Lincoln's Gettysburg Address.

That's right.

How is the word "swiftly"
used in the following sentence?

"The boy ran swiftly."

Clinton.

As an adverb.

That's right.

Mike, what's the
matter with Cindy?

Just staring at the camera

like she's got televisionitis.

Spell the word "thoroughfare."

Woodside.

T-H-O-R-O-U-G-H... That's right.

What's wrong with Cindy?

She's not even raising her hand.

Talk about dumb.

She knows all those
answers by heart.

Then why doesn't
she answer them?

Now, name the last two
states that joined the union.

How come Cindy just sits there?

She looks scared.

Come on, Cindy, loosen up.

Woodside.

Alaska and Hawaii.

Right.

Oh, she knew that.

Now, name the
capital of Louisiana.

Come on, Cindy.

I know you know this one.

Cindy, raise your hand.

Cindy, you know it!

Baton Rouge. Baton Rouge.

Woodside.

Baton Rouge.

That's correct. Oh, Cindy...

Now, how many
pecks are in a bushel?

Clinton! Four.

Right!

I don't want to see anybody.

They'll all make fun of me.

It's not going to
get any easier later.

Come on.

Cindy!

You looked terrific!

Especially your hair.

The dress was fantastic.

You were the
prettiest girl there.

Oh, yeah. We all thought so.

I didn't answer
a single question.

I was a real dum-dum.

Cindy... Cindy... I
was the dum-dum.

I didn't even pass the test.

You studied and you got on TV.

Bobby, you're
a terrific brother.

Women!

One nice word,
and you get all wet.

Aw! Poor baby.

Aw! Come on!

Well, honey, I finally
got it all worked out.

Yeah? What's that?

Well, I've called the Swansons,

the Bernsteins, the Clarks,

the Kaufmans, the Burkes,

the Metzgers and the Allens.

It took a lot of juggling,

but they can all
come on the 24th.

On the 24th, huh?

Yup, that's when we're having
the party. Great. I'll phone you.

Let me know if you're
having a good time.

What do you mean,
you'll phone me?

'Cause that's the
weekend I'm going

to be out of town at the
convention, remember?

Catch me.