The Brady Bunch (1969–1974): Season 4, Episode 21 - You're Never Too Old - full transcript
Carol's Kentucky grandmother, Connie Hutchins, who is young in spirit and body and who has a modern sensibility, decides at the last minute to make a visit. It is bad timing if only because Mike and Carol have previous engagements, leaving Grandma largely with the kids. But Marcia and Jan in particular think they have a better way for their great-grandmother to spend their time while in town. As Great-grandma has never remarried, the girls think that they have the perfect person with who she should meet and fall in love with: their great-grandfather, retired judge Henry Brady. Although their meeting starts off cordially enough, Great-grandma and Great-grandpa quickly have a falling out, largely because they are diametrically opposites: Great-grandpa is conservative and a traditionalist, who believes that spouting Latin is a good time. Despite facing this setback, Marcia and Jan are determined to prove that opposites truly do attract.
♪ Here's the story ♪
♪ Of a lovely lady ♪
♪ Who was bringing up ♪
♪ Three very lovely girls ♪
♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪
♪ Like their mother ♪
♪ The youngest one in curls ♪
♪ It's the story of a
man named Brady ♪
♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
♪ They were four
men living all together ♪
♪ Yet they were all alone ♪
♪ Till the one day when ♪
♪ The lady met this fellow ♪
♪ And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
♪ That this group ♪
♪ Must somehow form a family ♪
♪ That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
♪ The Brady Bunch ♪
♪ The Brady Bunch ♪
♪ That's the way we
became the Brady Bunch. ♪
Uh-uh-uh, messing up
the house today is a no-no.
Surprise visitor coming.
Who?
Your mother's
grandmother from Kentucky.
Great-Grandma
Hutchins? Oh, terrific.
Yeah, your mom and
dad went to the airport
to pick her up.
Oh, I can't wait!
It's been years
since we've seen her.
Wait till you meet her.
You'll love
Great-Grandma Hutchins.
I'm sure I will. She must
be an old lady by now.
Old? Somehow I
never think of her as old.
Me either... she's
got so much go-go-go.
Well, if you haven't
seen her for years,
don't be surprised if some of
her go-go-go is gone-gone-gone.
What kind of a welcome is this?
Where's the brass band?
Great-Grandma Hutchins!
Oh, Grandma!
Oh, you precious
kiddies just look beautiful.
And that's without my specs.
Oh, come on, Grandma,
for gosh sakes...
Don't spoil them.
Alice, I'd like you to meet
the pride of
Owensboro, Kentucky,
the one and only
Connie Hutchins.
Put her there, Alice.
I'm delighted to meet
you, Mrs. Hutchins.
I've heard a lot about you.
Lies, all lies,
unless, of course, it
was something nice.
Grandma, wouldn't you
like to freshen up a bit
after your trip?
Well, that's mighty kind of you.
Well, I'm sorry
we can't have dinner
with you tonight, Grandma.
Oh, yes, we really are.
But like I said, you
caught us by surprise
and we've had that dinner
date with my boss for a week.
Now, don't you worry
about that, honey.
It'll just give me more time
to get to know these
precious children better.
Here, kids, take your books.
I'll show Mrs. Hutchins
where she's going to stay.
Boy, what a gal.
How come a woman like that
never got married again?
Well, I guess at her age,
a good man is hard to find.
Listen, at any age
a good man is hard to find.
Yeah, don't I know it.
I'm going to tell
Grandma on you.
Did you hear that?
What?
About a good man.
I know a man that would make
a wonderful husband for Grandma,
and he's not hard to find.
Who?
Dad's grandfather...
Great-Grandpa Brady. Right!
That's Grandpa!
I'm so excited!
I know!
Oh, he's going to love her!
Hi, Grandpa! Hi, Grandpa!
Afternoon, my dear.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
Well, it's always a pleasure
to help out my
great-granddaughters.
Oh, Grandpa, about
that term paper...
um, I found what I
needed in my civics books,
so I'm sorry I bothered you.
But we're glad
you're here anyway,
'cause there's a visitor
we want you to meet.
Oh?
Our great-grandmother
from Kentucky.
She's really with it.
And far out.
With it?
Far out?
Well, children nowadays
seem to have trouble
expressing themselves with
words from the English language.
Well, that's modern
English, Grandpa.
Well, modern,
perhaps... English, no.
Come on.
Hi, Judge Brady.
Good afternoon, Alice.
How have you been?
Oh, splendid, thank you.
But, as Pliny the
Elder said to Seneca
when they met in the Forum,
"Omne ignotum pro magnifico."
Oh, that Pliny really knew
where his head was at.
Alice... MARCIA:
Come on, Grandpa.
Foul! Charging.
I can't help it.
They're taller than I am.
Well, sonny...
you have got to
try to find a way
to outsmart them.
Now, I'm going to show you
the way Jerry West does it.
You just stand over there
and watch, okay? Okay.
You two boys try to guard me.
You boys ready?
Here I come.
Watch it. Back, back...
Get her, Grandma!
You can make it!
Right behind you!
Go on, shoot! You can make it!
Come on!
Shoot!
Beautiful!
That was great, Grandma!
Yep. Well, honey,
that's what you
call a real fake-out.
You just got to...
have the moves.
Now, come on. You try it.
Okay.
Watch it... That's your
great-grandmother?
Yep, that's Great-Grandma.
Hmm!
While you two get acquainted,
I'll make you some lemonade.
Well, that's mighty kind
of you, Alice. Thank you.
Thank you. That would
be very pleasant indeed.
Well, you know, I've never met
a real, live judge before.
Well, I'm retired at present.
What happened?
You get tired of sending
them to the pokey?
Madam, I'd like to think
I dispensed justice fairly
in the 40 years I
sat on the bench.
40 years on the bench? Whoo!
You must have picked
up a seat full of splinters.
You know, there's something
I've always wondered about judges.
What would that be?
Is it true that on hot days,
judges don't wear any
pants under their robes?
My good woman,
I certainly can't
speak for all judges,
but I assure you, hot or cold,
I always wore my trousers.
Too bad.
Here's your lemonade.
Thank you, kiddies.
You're welcome.
It looks like you two
are really getting
to know each other.
Well, these past few moments
have proved most illuminating.
Right on.
Groovy.
Uh... delightful.
Splendid.
That's better.
Hi, Alice. Hi, Alice. Hi.
Hi, kids.
Uh, Alice... how do you feel
about helping two
people fall in love?
I'm all for it, especially
if one of the two people
turns out to be me.
We're talking about
Grandma and Grandpa.
Grandma and Grandpa?
Well, you see, right after
Mom and Dad go out,
all us other kids will give
excuses to leave, too.
So you can serve
Grandma and Grandpa
a romantic, candlelight
dinner for two.
Oh, you little devils, you.
Okay, Alice?
Okay. Oh, thank you.
You get them to
the launching pad
and I'll fuel them
up for a blastoff.
Great! JAN: Thank you.
There you are.
Thank you.
Well, here's to today
and to auld lang syne,
here's to good
health, yours and mine.
Up the flagpole.
Something wrong
with yours, Judge?
Eh? Oh, no.
I was merely enjoying the
opalescent play of colors
and the tantalizing bouquet.
Well, while you're
doing all that,
would you mind hitting me again?
Pardon? Oh, yes, of course.
You just hold your
glass, and I'll pour.
There you go.
All the way, honey.
Grandpa, Grandma.
Hi.
I'm sorry, but I'm going
to have to skip dinner tonight.
Oh, that's too bad.
Got a heavy date.
You know how it is.
We remember how it was.
Don't we, Judge?
Good night.
Bobby and I have to go, too.
My friend Willy's
got a sprained ankle
and he's racked up in bed.
Yeah, we're going
over to cheer him up.
Well, that's very commendable.
You know, as Homer said,
"Friendship is
proved by adversity."
Uh, yeah.
That's right.
Bye. Bye.
Hey, Greg, wait up.
You can drop us off.
Grandma, Grandpa, sorry
we can't stay for dinner.
Our ballet teacher's
having a recital.
We said we'd come.
We promised.
Good-bye, children. Have fun.
Well, Judge, that
leaves just you and me.
Here's to solitary confinement.
Pardon?
Come on, honey,
where's your sense of humor?
Why is it people have to eat
in the dark, I wonder?
Is, uh, is everything
all right, folks?
Oh, out of sight, Alice.
My compliments, Alice.
Thank you.
Wait till you see the dessert.
There you are, sweetie.
Thanks.
I wonder why we need that music.
Ooh, I like it... turns me on.
Makes me feel like I
want to dance... hoo-hoo!
Well, not me.
Oh, come on, Judgie.
I'll bet you used to fox a
pretty mean trot in your day.
Ha-ha-ha!
Come on. How
about a little dance?
Good for your digestion.
Come on. Get up there.
That's the way. Come on.
Madam,
don't you think this farce
has gone far enough?
Farce?
Your entire
transparent scheme...
The children conveniently
disappearing...
a cozy dinner for two...
romantic music
and candlelight...
You think I planned all this?
I think it's obvious.
But your romantic fantasies
are not about to come true.
Madame, monsieur...
The crepes suzettes,
they are ready.
Romantic fantasies!
Who'd... who'd want
an old goat like you?
Old goat?
Yes, old goat!
Madam... may I remind you...
that you are no
spring... chicken yourself.
Excuse me.
Oh, Judge!
And it's too late to apologize.
Apologize, my foot!
You forgot your hat!
Good evening.
Good-bye!
Hi, Alice.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Hey, where's Grandma?
About on her
third lap, I'd guess.
Third lap?
Around the block.
She came in, grabbed
an orange, and jogged off
sucking the orange.
She really is something.
Alice, did she have a
nice evening with Grandpa?
Well, I think
there's a better word
to describe it than nice.
Wonderful?
No.
Beautiful? No.
What?
Disaster-ful.
Oh, what happened?
Well, at dinner, one
word led to another,
and by the time they
put all the words together,
they weren't talking.
Oh, no.
What started it?
Well, I don't know
how it started,
but I do know how it ended.
How?
She called him an old goat.
And then he called
her an old chicken,
and he split the barnyard.
We've got to do something.
We can't let them stay
angry at each other.
I told you not to meddle.
Hi, Grandma.
Morning.
Morning, there.
Think fast, sonny.
Ooh, I'll tell you.
Nothing like a
mile in the morning
to get that blood circulating.
I understand you had a little
argument with Grandpa last night.
Marcia, I wouldn't
speak to that man again
if he was the only
one on Earth left
with the key to the wine cellar.
Grandma, I'm sure he
didn't mean what he said.
I know what he meant.
For the first time,
he was talking in
English instead of Latin.
I'm sure it was just
a misunderstanding.
Not on my part, honey.
Can you imagine him thinking
I was trying to trap him? Ha!
I wouldn't take him
on a silver platter
with an apple in his mouth.
Grandma... Him calling me old?
His wrinkles have got wrinkles,
and he's calling me old.
Oh, I'm getting so steamed up
I think I'm going to
have to take another lap.
You're never going to get
anywhere with Grandma.
Maybe I'll have a
talk with Grandpa.
Why don't you just
leave him alone?
Because if I do,
they'll never get
together and fall in love.
Love? Right now, you'd be smart
to settle for
mutual indifference.
Grandpa, as a judge
you always have to be fair
and reasonable, don't you?
I have always been
fair and reasonable.
Then, last night
didn't you kind of
convict Grandma Hutchins
on circumstantial evidence?
My dear, that opinion
is open to question.
But Marcia and I
are willing to swear
that Grandma had nothing to do
with arranging
that dinner for two.
Well, Jan, if you say so,
then I must accept that fact.
Well, then there's no reason
why you can't phone
her and apologize.
Never.
Nomen est nomen.
What does that mean?
A name is a name.
Old goat, indeed.
But that's just a
figure of speech.
And smell.
Now, I know she sent you
girls here to say all of this,
but you can tell her for me,
res non est sub
judicae octum est.
Case is thrown out of court.
We told you to butt out.
We were just trying
to do something nice.
Marcia, if you ever want to
do something nice for me,
give me a warning.
I want a chance
to get out of town.
Boys are never any help.
Yeah. Bobby's not
even here worrying.
He's out playing in
the park with Grandpa.
Hey, wait a minute.
Bobby's out in the park
playing with Grandpa.
That's what I just said.
Cindy, how would you like to go
to the park with Grandma?
Watch this perfect
landing, Grandpa.
All right.
I love coming to the park.
Don't you, Grandma?
Oh, I sure do, honey.
I've loved coming to the park
ever since I was a
little girl just your age...
which was only a few weeks ago.
Oh, I think you need a
little more rudder there.
Yeah.
Come here, and
let's take a look.
Hey, look, there's Grandpa!
Oh!
Careful, sweetheart.
I don't have my
running shoes on.
Bobby, what a pleasant surprise.
What's your surprise?
I always come here.
There's something
on the other side
of the park you've got to see.
What is it?
It's a squirrel.
I've seen millions of squirrels.
This one's collecting nuts.
They all collect nuts.
We'll be right back.
You may sit down, madam.
It's all yours.
May one inquire as to
what you find so amusing?
You've got that silly hat
perched on your head
just like you did last night
when you marched
out of that room
with smoke coming
out of your ears.
I believe I left with
my customary dignity.
Oh, by the way...
I believe I owe you an apology.
I... jumped to a
conclusion last night
which I understand was not true.
Well, I guess I owe
you an apology, too.
But when I get
hot under the collar
my mouth just flies
off in all directions.
Well, perhaps we
were both at fault.
Good day, Mrs. Hutchins.
Oh, what's your hurry, Judge?
Eh?
Well, why don't you just park it
here on the bench
and give it another trial?
Well... Come on.
Perhaps... just for a moment.
It's working!
Oh, by the way, Mrs. Hutchins...
Oh, make that
Connie, will you, Hank?
Hank?
Hank.
Hank? Mm-hmm.
Nobody's called me Hank
since the first day I
was admitted to the bar.
Well, maybe it's
time they started.
Maybe you're right.
Oh, um, Mrs. Hutchins...
Make it Connie, please, Hank.
Connie.
About that question
you asked me yesterday.
Oh? What question was that?
That question about
whether judges always wear
their trousers
underneath their robes.
Confidentially, I
once got up so late
I had to wear my
pajamas all day long.
I'll bet you thought
you were in night court.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Let me fix that.
Oh, that's... that's all right.
Thank you.
If you'd, um, still like to see
the sights of our fair city,
I'd be pleased to
show you around.
That's mighty kind of you, Hank.
I would love to.
Well, perhaps we could start
with a drive to the
beach this afternoon
and then, this evening,
there is a string
ensemble playing Mozart.
A string...
Well, there is also
a... what do you call it?
A groovy concert
at some establishment
called the Rock Bottom.
Well, that's more like it, Hank.
You're finally
getting it all together.
Mike, wake up.
What's the matter?
I heard a strange noise.
Oh, honey.
Why is it you always
hear strange noises
in the middle of the night
instead of during broad daylight
when I'm awake?
Well, maybe I imagined it.
I just imagined it, too.
I'll go take a look.
You're not going
down there alone.
I'm going with you.
Listen, if you want
to, you can go first.
Come on.
Mike, I know I heard something.
I heard it, too.
Why do you think I got up
in the middle of the night?
Honey, Grandma is leaving.
Suppose she had
another fight with Grandpa?
Gee, I don't know.
Going somewhere, Grandma?
Sorry, kiddies. Didn't
mean to wake you up.
Is it because of the judge?
Yep. Sure is.
Something he said?
Yep. That's it, exactly.
What'd he say?
He said, "Let's get hitched."
Married?
Yeah. We're
eloping to Las Vegas.
And don't you try to stop us.
Stop you? We
couldn't be happier.
But we'd love to give you a
wedding with all the trimmings.
Can't you wait?
Oh, honey, we haven't got time.
At our age, every minute
counts. Right, Hank?
But there is one thing
you could do for us.
I'd prefer you kept this quiet.
I'd get a good deal of ribbing
from my chums at the chess club.
Our lips are sealed.
We won't say a word.
Neither will I.
Neither will we.
Well, good-bye, kiddies.
Thanks for everything.
Come on, Hank.
Yes, my dear.
No. That's wrong.
You use the associative property
instead of the
commutative property.
Oh, sure.
Kids, kids, we got a postcard
from your great-grandma
and grandpa.
Oh, wow. What
does it say, Alice?
Let's see... "Hi, everybody,
here we are in Las Vegas...
"Mr. and Mrs. Hank Brady.
"Had a problem with
the justice of the peace
when he refused to marry us
without consent of our parents."
Oh, wow, that must have
been some wedding. Go on.
"At the wedding...
at the wedding dinner
"we had caviar and champagne.
"That is, he had champagne.
"The waiter refused to
serve me without an ID card.
"I have to say good-bye now
because Hank and I have
a date to go waterskiing."
Waterskiing? I can't believe it.
Me either.
"Tell everybody
they can believe it."
♪ Of a lovely lady ♪
♪ Who was bringing up ♪
♪ Three very lovely girls ♪
♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪
♪ Like their mother ♪
♪ The youngest one in curls ♪
♪ It's the story of a
man named Brady ♪
♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
♪ They were four
men living all together ♪
♪ Yet they were all alone ♪
♪ Till the one day when ♪
♪ The lady met this fellow ♪
♪ And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
♪ That this group ♪
♪ Must somehow form a family ♪
♪ That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
♪ The Brady Bunch ♪
♪ The Brady Bunch ♪
♪ That's the way we
became the Brady Bunch. ♪
Uh-uh-uh, messing up
the house today is a no-no.
Surprise visitor coming.
Who?
Your mother's
grandmother from Kentucky.
Great-Grandma
Hutchins? Oh, terrific.
Yeah, your mom and
dad went to the airport
to pick her up.
Oh, I can't wait!
It's been years
since we've seen her.
Wait till you meet her.
You'll love
Great-Grandma Hutchins.
I'm sure I will. She must
be an old lady by now.
Old? Somehow I
never think of her as old.
Me either... she's
got so much go-go-go.
Well, if you haven't
seen her for years,
don't be surprised if some of
her go-go-go is gone-gone-gone.
What kind of a welcome is this?
Where's the brass band?
Great-Grandma Hutchins!
Oh, Grandma!
Oh, you precious
kiddies just look beautiful.
And that's without my specs.
Oh, come on, Grandma,
for gosh sakes...
Don't spoil them.
Alice, I'd like you to meet
the pride of
Owensboro, Kentucky,
the one and only
Connie Hutchins.
Put her there, Alice.
I'm delighted to meet
you, Mrs. Hutchins.
I've heard a lot about you.
Lies, all lies,
unless, of course, it
was something nice.
Grandma, wouldn't you
like to freshen up a bit
after your trip?
Well, that's mighty kind of you.
Well, I'm sorry
we can't have dinner
with you tonight, Grandma.
Oh, yes, we really are.
But like I said, you
caught us by surprise
and we've had that dinner
date with my boss for a week.
Now, don't you worry
about that, honey.
It'll just give me more time
to get to know these
precious children better.
Here, kids, take your books.
I'll show Mrs. Hutchins
where she's going to stay.
Boy, what a gal.
How come a woman like that
never got married again?
Well, I guess at her age,
a good man is hard to find.
Listen, at any age
a good man is hard to find.
Yeah, don't I know it.
I'm going to tell
Grandma on you.
Did you hear that?
What?
About a good man.
I know a man that would make
a wonderful husband for Grandma,
and he's not hard to find.
Who?
Dad's grandfather...
Great-Grandpa Brady. Right!
That's Grandpa!
I'm so excited!
I know!
Oh, he's going to love her!
Hi, Grandpa! Hi, Grandpa!
Afternoon, my dear.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
Well, it's always a pleasure
to help out my
great-granddaughters.
Oh, Grandpa, about
that term paper...
um, I found what I
needed in my civics books,
so I'm sorry I bothered you.
But we're glad
you're here anyway,
'cause there's a visitor
we want you to meet.
Oh?
Our great-grandmother
from Kentucky.
She's really with it.
And far out.
With it?
Far out?
Well, children nowadays
seem to have trouble
expressing themselves with
words from the English language.
Well, that's modern
English, Grandpa.
Well, modern,
perhaps... English, no.
Come on.
Hi, Judge Brady.
Good afternoon, Alice.
How have you been?
Oh, splendid, thank you.
But, as Pliny the
Elder said to Seneca
when they met in the Forum,
"Omne ignotum pro magnifico."
Oh, that Pliny really knew
where his head was at.
Alice... MARCIA:
Come on, Grandpa.
Foul! Charging.
I can't help it.
They're taller than I am.
Well, sonny...
you have got to
try to find a way
to outsmart them.
Now, I'm going to show you
the way Jerry West does it.
You just stand over there
and watch, okay? Okay.
You two boys try to guard me.
You boys ready?
Here I come.
Watch it. Back, back...
Get her, Grandma!
You can make it!
Right behind you!
Go on, shoot! You can make it!
Come on!
Shoot!
Beautiful!
That was great, Grandma!
Yep. Well, honey,
that's what you
call a real fake-out.
You just got to...
have the moves.
Now, come on. You try it.
Okay.
Watch it... That's your
great-grandmother?
Yep, that's Great-Grandma.
Hmm!
While you two get acquainted,
I'll make you some lemonade.
Well, that's mighty kind
of you, Alice. Thank you.
Thank you. That would
be very pleasant indeed.
Well, you know, I've never met
a real, live judge before.
Well, I'm retired at present.
What happened?
You get tired of sending
them to the pokey?
Madam, I'd like to think
I dispensed justice fairly
in the 40 years I
sat on the bench.
40 years on the bench? Whoo!
You must have picked
up a seat full of splinters.
You know, there's something
I've always wondered about judges.
What would that be?
Is it true that on hot days,
judges don't wear any
pants under their robes?
My good woman,
I certainly can't
speak for all judges,
but I assure you, hot or cold,
I always wore my trousers.
Too bad.
Here's your lemonade.
Thank you, kiddies.
You're welcome.
It looks like you two
are really getting
to know each other.
Well, these past few moments
have proved most illuminating.
Right on.
Groovy.
Uh... delightful.
Splendid.
That's better.
Hi, Alice. Hi, Alice. Hi.
Hi, kids.
Uh, Alice... how do you feel
about helping two
people fall in love?
I'm all for it, especially
if one of the two people
turns out to be me.
We're talking about
Grandma and Grandpa.
Grandma and Grandpa?
Well, you see, right after
Mom and Dad go out,
all us other kids will give
excuses to leave, too.
So you can serve
Grandma and Grandpa
a romantic, candlelight
dinner for two.
Oh, you little devils, you.
Okay, Alice?
Okay. Oh, thank you.
You get them to
the launching pad
and I'll fuel them
up for a blastoff.
Great! JAN: Thank you.
There you are.
Thank you.
Well, here's to today
and to auld lang syne,
here's to good
health, yours and mine.
Up the flagpole.
Something wrong
with yours, Judge?
Eh? Oh, no.
I was merely enjoying the
opalescent play of colors
and the tantalizing bouquet.
Well, while you're
doing all that,
would you mind hitting me again?
Pardon? Oh, yes, of course.
You just hold your
glass, and I'll pour.
There you go.
All the way, honey.
Grandpa, Grandma.
Hi.
I'm sorry, but I'm going
to have to skip dinner tonight.
Oh, that's too bad.
Got a heavy date.
You know how it is.
We remember how it was.
Don't we, Judge?
Good night.
Bobby and I have to go, too.
My friend Willy's
got a sprained ankle
and he's racked up in bed.
Yeah, we're going
over to cheer him up.
Well, that's very commendable.
You know, as Homer said,
"Friendship is
proved by adversity."
Uh, yeah.
That's right.
Bye. Bye.
Hey, Greg, wait up.
You can drop us off.
Grandma, Grandpa, sorry
we can't stay for dinner.
Our ballet teacher's
having a recital.
We said we'd come.
We promised.
Good-bye, children. Have fun.
Well, Judge, that
leaves just you and me.
Here's to solitary confinement.
Pardon?
Come on, honey,
where's your sense of humor?
Why is it people have to eat
in the dark, I wonder?
Is, uh, is everything
all right, folks?
Oh, out of sight, Alice.
My compliments, Alice.
Thank you.
Wait till you see the dessert.
There you are, sweetie.
Thanks.
I wonder why we need that music.
Ooh, I like it... turns me on.
Makes me feel like I
want to dance... hoo-hoo!
Well, not me.
Oh, come on, Judgie.
I'll bet you used to fox a
pretty mean trot in your day.
Ha-ha-ha!
Come on. How
about a little dance?
Good for your digestion.
Come on. Get up there.
That's the way. Come on.
Madam,
don't you think this farce
has gone far enough?
Farce?
Your entire
transparent scheme...
The children conveniently
disappearing...
a cozy dinner for two...
romantic music
and candlelight...
You think I planned all this?
I think it's obvious.
But your romantic fantasies
are not about to come true.
Madame, monsieur...
The crepes suzettes,
they are ready.
Romantic fantasies!
Who'd... who'd want
an old goat like you?
Old goat?
Yes, old goat!
Madam... may I remind you...
that you are no
spring... chicken yourself.
Excuse me.
Oh, Judge!
And it's too late to apologize.
Apologize, my foot!
You forgot your hat!
Good evening.
Good-bye!
Hi, Alice.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Hey, where's Grandma?
About on her
third lap, I'd guess.
Third lap?
Around the block.
She came in, grabbed
an orange, and jogged off
sucking the orange.
She really is something.
Alice, did she have a
nice evening with Grandpa?
Well, I think
there's a better word
to describe it than nice.
Wonderful?
No.
Beautiful? No.
What?
Disaster-ful.
Oh, what happened?
Well, at dinner, one
word led to another,
and by the time they
put all the words together,
they weren't talking.
Oh, no.
What started it?
Well, I don't know
how it started,
but I do know how it ended.
How?
She called him an old goat.
And then he called
her an old chicken,
and he split the barnyard.
We've got to do something.
We can't let them stay
angry at each other.
I told you not to meddle.
Hi, Grandma.
Morning.
Morning, there.
Think fast, sonny.
Ooh, I'll tell you.
Nothing like a
mile in the morning
to get that blood circulating.
I understand you had a little
argument with Grandpa last night.
Marcia, I wouldn't
speak to that man again
if he was the only
one on Earth left
with the key to the wine cellar.
Grandma, I'm sure he
didn't mean what he said.
I know what he meant.
For the first time,
he was talking in
English instead of Latin.
I'm sure it was just
a misunderstanding.
Not on my part, honey.
Can you imagine him thinking
I was trying to trap him? Ha!
I wouldn't take him
on a silver platter
with an apple in his mouth.
Grandma... Him calling me old?
His wrinkles have got wrinkles,
and he's calling me old.
Oh, I'm getting so steamed up
I think I'm going to
have to take another lap.
You're never going to get
anywhere with Grandma.
Maybe I'll have a
talk with Grandpa.
Why don't you just
leave him alone?
Because if I do,
they'll never get
together and fall in love.
Love? Right now, you'd be smart
to settle for
mutual indifference.
Grandpa, as a judge
you always have to be fair
and reasonable, don't you?
I have always been
fair and reasonable.
Then, last night
didn't you kind of
convict Grandma Hutchins
on circumstantial evidence?
My dear, that opinion
is open to question.
But Marcia and I
are willing to swear
that Grandma had nothing to do
with arranging
that dinner for two.
Well, Jan, if you say so,
then I must accept that fact.
Well, then there's no reason
why you can't phone
her and apologize.
Never.
Nomen est nomen.
What does that mean?
A name is a name.
Old goat, indeed.
But that's just a
figure of speech.
And smell.
Now, I know she sent you
girls here to say all of this,
but you can tell her for me,
res non est sub
judicae octum est.
Case is thrown out of court.
We told you to butt out.
We were just trying
to do something nice.
Marcia, if you ever want to
do something nice for me,
give me a warning.
I want a chance
to get out of town.
Boys are never any help.
Yeah. Bobby's not
even here worrying.
He's out playing in
the park with Grandpa.
Hey, wait a minute.
Bobby's out in the park
playing with Grandpa.
That's what I just said.
Cindy, how would you like to go
to the park with Grandma?
Watch this perfect
landing, Grandpa.
All right.
I love coming to the park.
Don't you, Grandma?
Oh, I sure do, honey.
I've loved coming to the park
ever since I was a
little girl just your age...
which was only a few weeks ago.
Oh, I think you need a
little more rudder there.
Yeah.
Come here, and
let's take a look.
Hey, look, there's Grandpa!
Oh!
Careful, sweetheart.
I don't have my
running shoes on.
Bobby, what a pleasant surprise.
What's your surprise?
I always come here.
There's something
on the other side
of the park you've got to see.
What is it?
It's a squirrel.
I've seen millions of squirrels.
This one's collecting nuts.
They all collect nuts.
We'll be right back.
You may sit down, madam.
It's all yours.
May one inquire as to
what you find so amusing?
You've got that silly hat
perched on your head
just like you did last night
when you marched
out of that room
with smoke coming
out of your ears.
I believe I left with
my customary dignity.
Oh, by the way...
I believe I owe you an apology.
I... jumped to a
conclusion last night
which I understand was not true.
Well, I guess I owe
you an apology, too.
But when I get
hot under the collar
my mouth just flies
off in all directions.
Well, perhaps we
were both at fault.
Good day, Mrs. Hutchins.
Oh, what's your hurry, Judge?
Eh?
Well, why don't you just park it
here on the bench
and give it another trial?
Well... Come on.
Perhaps... just for a moment.
It's working!
Oh, by the way, Mrs. Hutchins...
Oh, make that
Connie, will you, Hank?
Hank?
Hank.
Hank? Mm-hmm.
Nobody's called me Hank
since the first day I
was admitted to the bar.
Well, maybe it's
time they started.
Maybe you're right.
Oh, um, Mrs. Hutchins...
Make it Connie, please, Hank.
Connie.
About that question
you asked me yesterday.
Oh? What question was that?
That question about
whether judges always wear
their trousers
underneath their robes.
Confidentially, I
once got up so late
I had to wear my
pajamas all day long.
I'll bet you thought
you were in night court.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Let me fix that.
Oh, that's... that's all right.
Thank you.
If you'd, um, still like to see
the sights of our fair city,
I'd be pleased to
show you around.
That's mighty kind of you, Hank.
I would love to.
Well, perhaps we could start
with a drive to the
beach this afternoon
and then, this evening,
there is a string
ensemble playing Mozart.
A string...
Well, there is also
a... what do you call it?
A groovy concert
at some establishment
called the Rock Bottom.
Well, that's more like it, Hank.
You're finally
getting it all together.
Mike, wake up.
What's the matter?
I heard a strange noise.
Oh, honey.
Why is it you always
hear strange noises
in the middle of the night
instead of during broad daylight
when I'm awake?
Well, maybe I imagined it.
I just imagined it, too.
I'll go take a look.
You're not going
down there alone.
I'm going with you.
Listen, if you want
to, you can go first.
Come on.
Mike, I know I heard something.
I heard it, too.
Why do you think I got up
in the middle of the night?
Honey, Grandma is leaving.
Suppose she had
another fight with Grandpa?
Gee, I don't know.
Going somewhere, Grandma?
Sorry, kiddies. Didn't
mean to wake you up.
Is it because of the judge?
Yep. Sure is.
Something he said?
Yep. That's it, exactly.
What'd he say?
He said, "Let's get hitched."
Married?
Yeah. We're
eloping to Las Vegas.
And don't you try to stop us.
Stop you? We
couldn't be happier.
But we'd love to give you a
wedding with all the trimmings.
Can't you wait?
Oh, honey, we haven't got time.
At our age, every minute
counts. Right, Hank?
But there is one thing
you could do for us.
I'd prefer you kept this quiet.
I'd get a good deal of ribbing
from my chums at the chess club.
Our lips are sealed.
We won't say a word.
Neither will I.
Neither will we.
Well, good-bye, kiddies.
Thanks for everything.
Come on, Hank.
Yes, my dear.
No. That's wrong.
You use the associative property
instead of the
commutative property.
Oh, sure.
Kids, kids, we got a postcard
from your great-grandma
and grandpa.
Oh, wow. What
does it say, Alice?
Let's see... "Hi, everybody,
here we are in Las Vegas...
"Mr. and Mrs. Hank Brady.
"Had a problem with
the justice of the peace
when he refused to marry us
without consent of our parents."
Oh, wow, that must have
been some wedding. Go on.
"At the wedding...
at the wedding dinner
"we had caviar and champagne.
"That is, he had champagne.
"The waiter refused to
serve me without an ID card.
"I have to say good-bye now
because Hank and I have
a date to go waterskiing."
Waterskiing? I can't believe it.
Me either.
"Tell everybody
they can believe it."