The Brady Bunch (1969–1974): Season 4, Episode 18 - The Subject Was Noses - full transcript

Marcia breaks a date with Charlie when "big man on campus" Doug Simpson asks her out. However, after she gets hit in the nose with a football, Doug Simpson breaks his date with her.

♪ Here's the story ♪

♪ Of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was bringing up ♪

♪ Three very lovely girls ♪

♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪

♪ Like their mother ♪

♪ The youngest one in curls ♪

♪ It's the story of a
man named Brady ♪

♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪

♪ They were four
men living all together ♪

♪ Yet they were all alone ♪



♪ Till the one day when ♪

♪ The lady met this fellow ♪

♪ And they knew that it was ♪

♪ Much more than a hunch ♪

♪ That this group ♪

♪ Must somehow form a family ♪

♪ That's the way we all ♪

♪ Became the Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ That's the way we became ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch. ♪

Hey, Marsh, wait up.

Hi, Vicki.



Wasn't that a terrific
football game Friday night?

Yeah. We've got a
real team this year.

You mean we've got Doug Simpson.

He's the whole team.

He's far out.

He's so rugged and handsome.

There are other values that
are far more important though.

Like what?

Well, give me time.

I'll think of something.

Don't look now, but
he's right behind us...

Doug Simpson.

Just act casual.

Hi, girls.

Morning, Doug.

Oh, Marcia, I've
been looking for you.

Me? Yeah.

I was wondering if you'd like

to go to a dance with
me on Saturday night?

Marcia.

Yeah. I'd love to.

Great. Saturday
night, then, okay?

Bye. See you.

Bye.

A date with Doug Simpson?

Can I touch you?

It might rub off.

( laughing)

Vicki... What's the matter?

I just thought of
something awful.

I've got a date with
Charley for Saturday night.

Charley?

I was so shook up by
Doug that I completely forgot.

Now I've got two dates
for the same night.

What are you going to do?

Yeah, what am I going to do?

Hi, Greg.

Hi, Charley.

What's all the stuff?

Wallpaper samples for your folks

from my dad's shop.

Say, is, uh, Marcia around?

No, Charley. She's not
home from school yet.

You can turn your motor off.

Oh. Yeah, well,
um... we'll see you.

Sure.

Mmm! Alice, those
cookies smell delicious.

I hope they last till I get
them in the cookie jar.

They sure do go fast.

In four years, not
one of those kids

has ever tasted a cold cookie.

Oh, hi, Charley.

Come on in.

Hi.

Dad sent these samples
for your bedroom.

Oh, good. Let's just
put them down here

on the table and have a look.

Dad said some of them
are pretty expensive,

but, seeing that
you're Marcia's mother,

I think I can
arrange a discount.

Would a few cookies get us
a discount on the discount?

Thanks.

Hi.

Hi.

Better brace yourself.

Your heartthrob
Charley's inside.

Charley's here?

He had to bring
over some wallpaper.

Greg, I need your
advice about something.

Sure. What?

What's the easiest way
to break a date with a guy?

Break a date? Yeah.

Uh... You can tell
him you're sick,

or you had to go out of town.

Uh-uh. He might
see me at school.

Well, why don't you just do
what we guys always do...

Just say something
suddenly came up.

Something suddenly came up.

That's all?

It always works.

Besides, it's not even a lie.

Thanks, Greg.

Do you have to break
a date with Charley?

Yeah.

How come?

Something suddenly came up.

My dad picked out these
patterns for you himself.

That was very sweet of him.

How do you like
this one, Mrs. Brady?

Looks good on you, Alice,

but let's see how it looks
on the bedroom wall, okay?

Bye, Charley.

Help yourself to some cookies.

Oh, thanks. We'll see you.

Hi.

Hi, Marcia.

Gee, I was hoping
I'd get to see you.

Uh... Charley,

there's, uh...
something that I...

Oh, Saturday night, I
can pick you up at 7:00

And we can go to a movie.

And, afterwards,
maybe some pizza.

Well, I'm sorry...

If you don't like pizza,
we can have tacos.

It's not that... Hamburgers.

Chili dogs. You
name it, you've got it.

Charley... I have
to break our date.

You do?

Gee, I hope nothing's wrong.

No. It's just that, uh...
something suddenly came up.

Oh. Well, I'm sure sorry.

So am I, but...
Well, maybe we can

make it some other
time, huh? Sure.

Well, I better be
getting back to the shop.

See you, Marcia.

Bye.

Well, I don't know, honey.

Out of the two, the
only one I halfway like

is the one with the stripes.

No. I prefer the
one with the roses.

That's okay if this
was just a ladies' room.

I mean just a room for ladies.

But no, I like
the stripes better.

Oh, honey, I'm afraid

I'd feel like I was in jail.

No. I like the rose
pattern much better.

Hi. Did you decide anything yet?

No, Alice. Which one
do you like the best? Me?

Yeah. Which one do you like?

Which one do you
like, Mr. Brady?

Oh, I like the stripes.

You couldn't have
made a better choice.

There's nothing
nicer than stripes.

I like the roses.

Unless, of course, it's roses.

Roses are so, um... rosy.

How about striped roses?

Rose-colored stripes?

Come on, Alice, what
do you honestly think?

I honestly think I should
keep my mouth shut.

Hey, Bobby, look
at the wallpaper.

That's really neat.

Sure doesn't match.

What do you think?

I like the roses the best.

I like the stripes.

I like the way it
runs in the family.

( knocking on door)

Come in.

I just wanted to thank
you for your advice.

You mean about how
to break your date?

Mm-hmm. Worked fine.

How did Charley take it?

Okay. Didn't seem
to bother him at all.

Good. But it made me feel awful.

You wanted the date
with Doug, didn't you?

Sure. When I think
about having the chance

to go out with a guy like Doug,

I feel fantastic!

He's so good-looking,
popular and terrific.

Right.

But, when I think
about Charley...

Just a plain, sweet, ordinary
guy sitting home alone...

I feel terrible.

Then just think about Doug.

You're right.

Doug's the biggest
man on campus.

A girl would be
out of their mind

not to go out with him. Sure.

But poor old Charley...
Nice as can be...

All alone Saturday night.

I'm a rat.

Marcia, I can't
keep up with you.

Me? It's not easy being a woman.

Well, I'll tell you one thing...

It's a lot easier for
you than it is for me.

Cindy, will you move?

I'm thinking.

You've only got
one move to make,

and you're going to lose.

So what's there to think about?

I'm thinking about losing.

( knocking)

Oh, come in, Charley.

Hi. I just brought some
new samples for your folks.

Oh, Mom's upstairs.

Is Marcia around?

No, she hasn't gotten
back from school yet.

Oh.

Boy, he sure is
hung up on Marcia.

Yeah, poor Charley.

Too bad she had to
break her date with him.

Why'd she break her date?

Something suddenly came up.

What?

You're too young to understand.

( car engine revving)

Oh, no. Doug's here.

So what?

Cindy, you're too
young to understand.

Thanks.

Sure.

Thanks for the ride home, Doug.

Oh, anytime.

You make the car
look great, Marcia.

Thanks.

Hey, don't forget about
our date on Saturday night.

No way.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, I'd like you to
meet my sister, Jan.

This is Doug Simpson.

Hi.

Hey, how'd you like
to come into the house

for a cold drink?
Uh... he can't.

What do you mean he can't?

We're all out of cold drinks.

Well, how about a cold
piece of fruit or something?

We're all out of fruit, too.

And besides it's
such a mess upstairs

with all those
wallpaper samples.

So what? We'll stay downstairs.

Well, there are
wallpaper samples

all over the place.

And that wallpaper
didn't walk in

by itself, you know. Huh?

Somebody had to bring them.

Oh, yes, of course.

I know what you mean.

Jan's right... The
place is a mess.

Yeah, well, I've got to get
to football practice anyway.

So I'll see you, Marcia.

Okay.

Oh, and nice meeting you, Jan.

Yeah.

Bye. See you at school.

Okay, see you then.

Boy, thanks for telling
me that Charley was here.

That could have been a disaster.

I know.

What could have been a disaster?

Cindy, you're too
young to understand.

I wish I was old
enough to understand

all these things I'm too
young to understand.

MIKE: Well, at last we found
a pattern we can agree on.

Yeah. It only took two days
and a hundred samples.

Well, I'll give Charley's
father the order in the morning.

Hey, honey, wait a minute.

It just occurs to me.

What does?

Well, if we use this wallpaper,

we're going to have to
get new drapes. Oh, honey.

Yeah. And look
at this carpeting.

If we get new wallpaper
and new drapes,

we're going to
need new carpeting.

New carpeting?

Yeah, and look at the bedspread.

Honey, if we get new carpeting,
new wallpaper and new drapes,

we're going to have to
have a new bedspread.

Listen, honey, I got
a great idea. What?

Forget the
wallpaper. Let's paint.

Okay, let's paint, but
we're still going to need

new carpeting, new drapes
and a new bedspread.

Not if we repaint
the same color.

Aw, honey.

Okay, it's last quarter,
one minute to go,

and we're behind seven to six.

Okay.

Hut, hut, hike.

Touchdown! Yay!

Me, too.

I'm really looking forward
to Saturday night, Doug.

I hate to say good-bye, too.

Bye.

Doug?

Yeah.

When you come back to Earth,

would you please
go tell the boys

to come in and
straighten up their room?

Yeah.

( chuckles)

15, 64, 50, 80, 90, hike! Hike!

Hey, you guys... Oh, my nose!

Marcia, you okay?

We were... we're really sorry.

Oh, let's take a
look at it, honey.

It's getting bigger
by the minute.

MIKE: I think we better get
her to a doctor right away.

I hope it isn't broken.

What's the difference?

There goes my date with Doug.

Oh, look at my nose.

It's getting bigger
by the minute.

Oh, it's not that big.

It just seems that way

'cause you've
been staring at it.

How can I avoid it?

Wherever I look, there it is.

Look on the bright side.

The doctor said
it wasn't broken.

Marcia, I brought
you some more ice.

No more ice, Cindy.

My nose is freezing.

It's turning blue.

Well, it's a nice shade of blue.

I wish I could out on the date

and leave my nose at home.

Doug's a football player.

He's probably used to
a lot of swollen noses.

Yeah, but not on girls.

Marcia, I'm proud
to be your sister

no matter how terrible you look.

Thanks a lot!

Hey, your nose is beginning
to look better already.

Isn't it, girls?

Oh, yeah. A lot.

Why don't you try and
take your mind off that nose?

Help your father and me.

We're just starting
to paint the bedroom.

Oh, good! Oh, good!

Come on.

It's going to be a
lot of fun, I think.

Get my mind off of it.

I'll never forget
that football game

as long as I live.

Hey, you guys... Oh, my nose!

Oh, my nose!

Oh, my nose!

Okay, kids, let's get to work.

Now, remember,
this is not a game.

Paint up and
down, not in circles.

Neatness counts.

Yeah, be careful.

The paint goes on the walls,

not on your clothes.

All right. Okay, let's go.

You're never going
to finish like that.

Let me show you how.

Give me your brush.

GREG: Hey, Pete.

Yeah?

Okay...

Didn't I tell you
kids no games?!

Besides, that's paint
for the window trim.

Well, can't we just finish it?

You are finished.

Go.

Turpentine.

Marcia, you can't go
around school all day

hiding behind that binder.

Well, I wouldn't have
come to school at all today

if it hadn't have been
for those two dumb tests.

Can't you just try and
forget about your nose?

I can't. I don't want Doug
to see me until Saturday.

By then, the swelling
might go down.

Oh, I get it. Keep
it hidden, then.

See you.

Oh, excuse me.

Marcia, I didn't recognize
you behind your notebook.

I'll walk you to
your next class.

Oh, that's okay.
I'm really thirsty.

Go on ahead. Well, I'll wait.

That's okay. I wouldn't want
you to be late on account of me.

I've never seen anybody
drink that much water.

You must be part camel.

Marcia, what happened?

The silliest little thing.

My brothers were
playing football,

and my nose got in the way.

It's just a little bump.

Yeah.

Yeah, you can
hardly even notice it.

Uh... look, Marcia,

the reason I wanted to
walk to your class with you

is I have to tell you something.

You see, I'm afraid I have

to break our date
for Saturday night.

Break our date?

Yeah.

Well, you see, something
suddenly came up.

Something suddenly came up?

( bell ringing)

Yeah. Well, I don't want
you to be late for class, okay?

I'll see you.

"Something suddenly came up."

Well, it won't be as comfortable
as your own bed, Mrs. Brady,

but at least you won't
be inhaling paint all night.

Yeah, I can inhale

beautiful, pure, fresh smog.

Some choice.

I'm so glad Marcia
finally went to sleep.

She was so upset.

Yeah. Poor kid.

There she stood,
looking in the mirror,

saying, "Why me? Why me?"

Come to think of it,

that's what I say when
I look in a mirror, too.

Oh, Alice.

Well, that ought to do it.

Good night, Mrs. Brady.

Good night, Alice. Thank you.

Well, good night,
Mr. Brady. Happy sofa.

Thanks, Alice. And my
sacroiliac thanks you.

Mike. Hmm?

Do you realize that this will

be the first night since
we've been married

that we haven't slept
in the same bed?

Kind of breaks up the
monotony, doesn't it?

Now, Mike, don't start that.

Aw, come on. Can't
you take a joke?

Sure. I married you, didn't I?

Wait a second.

( glasses clinking)

Wonder who's in the kitchen.

I don't know, but there's
one way to find out.

( loudly): Who's in the kitchen?

It's me, Mom.

You want to talk?

Could we?

Sure. Come on in, sweetheart.

I couldn't really sleep.

Marcia, honey, your nose

isn't going to be
swollen forever.

Try to forget about
Saturday night.

Even though it wasn't very nice
of that boy to break your date.

I guess I deserve it.

I wasn't very nice myself.

What do you mean?

Well, I broke my date

with Charley for the same night

just so I could go out
with Doug Simpson...

The big man on campus.

You're right.

That wasn't very nice.

MIKE: I think your
problem isn't a swollen nose.

It's a bruised conscience.

I guess so.

I came out to cheer you up.

Thanks, Cindy.

Want to go to the corner

for some ice cream?

I found some money in the sofa.

No, thanks.

Marcia, do you mind
being cheered up?

No. It's okay.

'Cause, when someone
tries to cheer you up,

and you don't want
to be cheered up,

it's not very cheery.

That's right.

Did I cheer you up?

I'm afraid not.

Guess I'll get some
ice cream anyway.

Maybe it'll cheer me up.

Hey, Marcia, do you
want to come listen

to my new record album with me?

It's really far out.

I'm not in the mood
for enjoying myself.

I've seen you down before,

but this has got
to be the downest.

Hi, Marcia. Hi, Charley.

I just stopped by to
pick up the paintbrushes.

Gee, what happened to your nose?

I had a little accident.

That's too bad.

Hey, you know, I was thinking...

If you can't go out
with me Saturday,

how about Sunday?

Not with this nose.

Marcia, I want to take out
all of you, not just your nose.

Charley, I couldn't go out
with you or anybody else

looking like this.

( alarm ringing)

Why is it that
nights are so short

and days are so long?

JAN: Because, during the day,

we have to go to school.

Jan, look!

What?

Marcia, your nose!

Don't remind me.

I dreamt I was Pinocchio.

No. The swelling is gone.

Your nose is back to normal.

What?

Oh, my gosh!

Come on. Look!

It is back to normal.

It's me again.

Now the world can
look me in the face,

and I can look back.

I can't believe it!

Hey, Doug, that was a great game

you played last week.

Oh, thanks a lot. Uh... Charley.

Yeah, right. Charley.

Trees, flowers,
birds, the whole world.

That's 'cause you're
looking at the world

through rose-colored noses.

Hi, Greg. Hi, Marcia.

Hi, Doug. Hi.

Hey, Marcia, wait up.

Your, uh... your
nose is okay, huh?

Yeah.

Uh... Marcia, I
was looking for you.

Uh... my aunt, who
was coming to town,

well, she changed her plans,

and so our date for Saturday
night is still on, okay?

Sorry, Doug.

I can't make it.

You can't?

Something suddenly came up.

Oh, I see.

Well, if you change your
plans, let me know, okay?

Sure.

See you. See you, Doug.

Nice going, Marsh.

See you later. Bye.

Charley, is that you?

Hi, Marcia. Hi.

Just tying my shoelace.

Hey, your nose is
back to its old self.

Yeah, it's okay now.

But, like I said,

you look great with
any kind of nose.

Thanks.

Charley, there's
something I have to tell you.

What?

Well, I played a
dirty trick on you.

Dirty trick?

I broke my date that I
had with you for Saturday

because Doug Simpson
asked me out for the same night.

That's the something
that suddenly came up.

You're right.

It was a dirty trick.

I just wanted to let
you know that I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Hey, by the way,

I'm still available if you want

to go out with me
Saturday night.

I'd like to. ( bell rings)

Good. I'll walk you
to class. Come on.

I tied my shoelaces
to the bench.

Charley, are you all right?

Clumsy, but all right.

It's getting kind of late.

Oh, honey,

Marcia's just
having a good time.

I'm not worried.

I just said it was
getting kind of late.

My goodness, it is getting late!

Well, don't worry.

She's just having a good time.

( door opening)

Hi, honey.

Hi.

MIKE: Hi, sweetheart.

Did you and Charley
have a good time?

Oh, yeah. The movie was great.

Charley's really super.

Sounds like you had fun.

Mm-mmm.

Guess who we ran into
later at the pizza place.

Don't tell me Doug Simpson.

Big man on campus?

Yep.

Was it, uh... uncomfortable?

Well, Doug started teasing me
about breaking my date with him,

so Charley defended me.

They got into a fight.

Fight? I hope nobody was hurt.

I'm afraid he was.

His nose was swollen
up like a balloon.

Oh, poor Charley.

Charley?! It was Doug.

Charley really belted him.

Doug was so embarrassed
that he ran home.

Isn't that dumb?

Just because of a swollen nose?

What an ego.

Well, it seems to me

I remember
somebody else who felt

exactly the same
way when her nose

was swollen up like a balloon.

Who?

Who? You.

Me?

Short memory.

Good night.

Good night, honey.
Yes, good night.

Yeah, it looks great.

Yeah, it really does.

It looks like it was done
by professional painters.

Well... Mike, it just
occurs to me. What?

Well, now that we've
painted this bedroom,

it looks so great it's going

to make the hallway look
really shabby. Oh, Carol.

I think we're going to
have to paint the hallway.

Just the hallway, huh?

Well, now that you mention it,

we probably have
to paint the stairs, too.

Yeah, now that I mention it.

Yeah, and probably
the entry hall.

And, while we're at it,

we might as well paint your den.

You'd like to have
your den painted,

wouldn't you, Mike?

Mike?

Mike...?

( screams)

( laughing): I'll get you.

We can paint, can't we?

We just did.