The Brady Bunch (1969–1974): Season 3, Episode 23 - The Fender Benders - full transcript

♪ Here's the story ♪

♪ Of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was bringing up ♪

♪ Three very lovely girls ♪

♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪

♪ Like their mother ♪

♪ The youngest one in curls ♪

♪ It's the story of a
man named Brady ♪

♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪

♪ They were four
men living all together ♪

♪ Yet they were all alone ♪



♪ Till the one day when
the lady met this fellow ♪

♪ And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪

♪ That this group must
somehow form a family ♪

♪ That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ That's the way we
became the Brady Bunch. ♪

Boy, wait'll Dad finds out.

Is he going to be mad.

I'm going to finish
my homework fast

so I can watch.

Me, too.

Mom, are you going to tell Dad

before dinner or after?



You kids are making a
big thing out of nothing.

Your father's not
going to be upset

over something so... so minor.

Mr. Brady ought to be home

any minute, Mrs. Brady.

Guess so.

I sure wish there was some way

I could help you
soften the blow.

Alice, you're as
bad as the kids.

Mr. Brady is not
going to be upset.

Well, I hope not.

Well, after all, it was
just a little accident.

Just a dented fender.

It wasn't even my fault.

Have you thought

about how you're
going to break the news?

Oh, yeah.

I'll just say, "Hi, honey.
How was your day?"

He'll say, "Fine.
How was yours?"

And I'll say, "Oh, terrific.

Just a slight
mishap with the car."

Then he'll say...

You can find out what
he'll say right now...

Mr. Brady just got home.

Mike?

Yeah, honey.

How was your day?

Oh, great.

How do I look? Confident?

Like a turkey on Thanksgiving.

Thanks.

Hi, honey.

Hi, sweetheart.

How was everything
at the office?

Fine. How was your day today?

Oh, just great.

I confirmed your
golf date for Sunday,

and I found a button that
matches your sweater,

and I sewed it on,

and I put a new
lightbulb in your den,

and I picked up your cleaning,

and I made your favorite...

Chicken and
dumplings... For dinner.

Honey?

Yeah?

What went wrong today?

Oh. Well, now that
you mentioned it,

there was one small,
tiny, minor problem.

Small, tiny, minor.

I knew you'd see it that way.

See what what way?

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Who banged up the car?

Who banged up what?

Oops.

Well, I think I'd
better go have a look

at the small, tiny, minor.

Thanks a lot... big mouth.

Well, it's no big thing, but

it's not exactly small,
tiny, minor, either.

Well, honey, it wasn't my fault.

I was just in the parking lot

at the supermarket
and... What happened?

Well, we got in the car and
we fastened our seat belts.

And then I carefully
looked out the back window

to make sure
everything was clear.

And then I started to back out.

Well, this... this
man across the aisle,

he started to back right out.

Then he ran into you.

Exactly. He hit me.

Well, uh, he didn't
even look back.

He just barreled right
out of that parking slot.

Listen, Carol, what about
the damage to his car?

It's about the same as
mine... Dented fender.

Well, I'm glad nobody was hurt.

Well, me, too.

Well, we exchanged
names and addresses,

and we decided
to fix our own cars

instead of making
a big thing out of it.

Yeah, well, it would've
been wiser to report it,

but as long as you both agreed.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Hi, kids.

Hi. Hello, kids.

Wow! I bet Greg's really
going to get it for that.

What a dumb thing to do.

Greg didn't do it.

And it wasn't so dumb, either.

Hey, you kids better
get ready for dinner.

Your mom has made
chicken and dumplings

for dinner tonight.

Chicken and dumplings?

That means Mom wrecked the car.

Ow! That's where I'm
going to put my dumplings.

I'll give you a dumpling.

Listen, Eddie, we have
a problem about tonight...

I'm without wheels.

How come?

My mom got in an
accident with the car

and smashed a taillight.

My folks are going
to use my Dad's car.

How about you driving us?

No chance.

How about Dave?

I just love those jeans.

That kind of waist, you tie.

Yeah. Perfect.

Yeah. Perfect.

But it doesn't say where
you can buy them here.

Sandy has a pair.
I could ask her.

Okay. Why don't you call her?

Okay.

Guess we're wiped
out tonight, Greg.

No offense to your mother, but
women sure are dumb drivers.

What do you mean,
women are dumb drivers?!

Hey, who's that?

Who you talking to?

Who's on the phone, Greg?

It sounded like Marcia.

It's Marcia, all right.

And men are even dumber drivers!

Who are you talking to?

No one is dumber
than a woman driver.

Are you listening, Eddie?

Yeah.

Well, listen to this!

Who's Eddie?

And how come you
hung up on Eddie

after you told him to listen?

Listen, Eddie, I'm
sure we can get this...

Hang on a minute.

For the record,

that accident was
not Mom's fault.

It was that dumb
man driver's fault!

That was my sister, Eddie.

Which one?

The one you said you
wanted to ask for a date.

Eddie? Hello? Hello? Ed...?

Carol.

Come on, honey.

We're going to be late.

I'm on my way.

Mr. Brady?

Yeah, that's right.

I'm Harry Duggan.

I'm the fella that
had that accident

with your wife this afternoon.

Yeah, well, come
on in, Mr. Duggan.

Oh, thank you. I will.

My, you have a
lovely place here.

Uh, thank you.

Did I catch you at a bad time?

Well, my wife and I
are going out, yeah.

Oh, I see, well, this
won't take a minute.

I mean, you and I can
settle it man to man,

if you know what I mean.

Um, no, don't think I
know what you mean.

Well, you know, women drivers.

Women drivers?

Oh, good evening, Mrs. Brady.

This won't take a second.

I borrowed a car from
a friend to get here,

and I have to get
a ride back to him.

You see, my car had to be towed

from the scene of
the accident to a shop.

What my wife told me,

there wasn't that much
damage done to your car.

Well, as a matter of fact,

she banged up my car pretty bad.

Pretty bad?

Yes. In fact, I have
an itemized list

of the damage done to my car

and what it'll cost
Mrs. Brady to fix it.

Cost me to fix it?

But we both agreed
to fix our own cars.

Well, why should I
agree to a thing like that?

After all, it wasn't my fault.

Well, it certainly
wasn't my fault.

Why, I think you should hear
my side of the story, Mr. Brady.

But I've already told
Mr. Brady everything.

Honey. What is your
side, Mr. Duggan?

Well, you see, I was doing
some heavy marketing for my wife.

Being a woman,
she's a little frail.

Excuse me, Mr. Duggan.

Frail is one thing
that I am not.

Well, I'd like to get
in my side of the story

without any interruptions.

Well, uh, get on
with it, Mr. Duggan.

Well, I came down, got
my car, started the engine,

and checked my rear
window and saw it was clear,

and I just started
to back out slowly

when, all of a sudden,

she came screaming
out of her parking place

and banged right into me.

Obviously, she
just didn't look back.

But, Mike, he couldn't
have looked back,

because I was moving first.

Oh, no, you didn't look back

because I was moving first.

Now, come on, Mr...
All right, okay, look.

This part's a standoff

but, as long as there was

the same amount of
damage done to your cars...

Same amount of damage?

Are you kidding?

Here.

Read this.

"Smashed rear
taillight, "crushed fender,

"replace muffler,
repaint left side...

realign the frame"?

How much?

$295.11.

Of course, there's
some other minor things

that I don't mind
taking care of myself.

What, refurnishing your house?

Mike, this just isn't true.

Mrs. Brady, are you
suggesting that I am lying?

And very badly, too.

Well, Mr. Brady,
you're going to have

to believe one of our stories,

and I guess it'll be hers.

I see who wears the
pants in this family.

Mr. Duggan, I think
you better leave

before I toss you out
on the seat of yours.

Sir, are you threatening me

with bodily harm?

Yes. Out.

You haven't heard
the last of this.

I'm going to sue you.

I'll see you in court!

My pleasure!

Of all the nerve.

That-that... chiseler.

And he's obviously trying to use

the accident to get a whole lot

of other repairs
done on his car.

Oh, Mike, do you
think he really means it

about taking me to court?

Yeah, I think he
means it all right.

Mom, Dad,

could we talk to
you for a second?

We heard what you said.

Would we have
to go to court, too?

Well, uh, yes. You might.

Oh, Mike, you don't really think

they'd have to go
to court, do you?

Honey, they were witnesses.

That's perfectly legal.

Oh...

Well, honey, there's
nothing to be afraid of.

All you have to
do is tell the truth.

We do?

Of course. Especially in court.

The exact truth?

Say, listen, uh,
what's going on here?

Well, before we go to court,

we think you ought
to know something.

What's that?

Well, maybe the
accident was Mom's fault.

My fault?

We didn't see you look back

just like the man said.

Are you sure?

We're sure, Dad.

Sorry, Mom.

Look, uh, you two run
upstairs and go to bed.

It's your bedtime, okay?

Say good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Gee, Mike, I don't
know what to say.

Honey, now, listen,

are you sure you
looked before you...

Well, now wait a minute,

maybe you just think you did.

Honey, I am positive
I looked back.

Well, how do you
explain the kids?

I can't.

Oh, Mike, what am I going to do?

Mr. Duggan's going
to take me to court,

and my own kids are going
to have to testify against me.

Those poor kids.

They must be terribly upset.

Yeah. Especially since
we've always told them

to be truthful.

Yeah.

Well, I guess there's
only one thing to do

and that's give that
Mr. Duggan his $295.00.

And 11 cents.

And 11 cents.

We just couldn't put
the kids through that...

Making them appear in court.

Well, I agree.

It's pretty bad having your
own kids testify against you.

Well, it wouldn't
exactly make the P.T.A.

nominate me Mother of the Year.

Well, I'll tell the
kids in the morning.

They'll be delighted.

Do you know what makes
me absolutely furious?

That Duggan is going to think

I'm finally admitting
that I was lying.

Oh, honey, don't think about it.

Let's forget all about him

and hope we never see him again.

Mike.

You don't think
I'm lying, do you?

No, honey, I don't.

Mike.

You do believe me, don't you?

Of course I do.

Mike.

You're not just saying that

because you're my
husband, are you?

No, sweetheart, I'm not.

What's the matter?

Well, I was waiting for
you to stop me again.

Go away!

Come on! I got to
brush my teeth, too,

you little creep!

Will you stop calling
Bobby a creep.

How about Benedict Arnold?

Look, Bobby's no traitor.

He's in a bind.

Well, he shouldn't testify
against his own mother.

What else can he do?

Lots of things.

Like what?

Well, maybe he could
run away from home.

Leave me alone!

Go to sleep.

Might as well.

He won't let me in there.

Good night.

Good night.

'Night, creep!

Good.

I have two pillows now.

Come on, Cindy, you
should be sleeping.

I know.

What's the matter?

Guess I should tell you.

Bobby and I got Mom in trouble.

What are you talking about?

The man Mom had the
accident with is going to sue her.

Sue Mom?

Bobby and I have to
be witnesses in court

'cause we were in the car.

Then I guess I'll have
to be a witness, too.

Well, how did you and
Bobby get Mom in trouble?

Because we said
it was Mom's fault.

Mom's fault?!

Uh-huh.

What am I going to do?

Well, for one
thing, get glasses.

Honey, there's no use in
stewing about it all night.

I'm not stewing. I'm reading.

Sweetheart, you have been
on page 124 for 30 minutes.

That's not reading.
That's stewing.

Come in.

Mom, I just heard

that man is going to sue
you over the accident.

Well, he was, honey,

but we're not going to court.

Why not?

Well, sweetheart,
it's a little complicated.

Well, if it's because of Bobby
and Cindy, they're wrong.

It wasn't Mom's fault.

Were you in the car, too?

Yes. I saw Mom look back.

Well, now, wait a minute.

How could four of you
have been in the car

and two of you see one thing
and two of you see another?

I don't know.

Isn't there something
you can do, Dad?

Yeah. I could get an ice bag.

I wasn't in the accident,
but I'm getting a headache.

Come on, honey, cheer up.

Your folks will figure a
way out of this somehow.

Yes, but what if they don't?

Then Bobby and I
will have to go to court.

Well, maybe not.

The judge swears at you.

No, sweetie. The
judge swears you in.

That sounds just as bad.

Well, it's not just as bad.

Look, I've-I've never
been in court myself,

but I'm what you might call
an amateur expert anyway.

How come?

From watching television.

I've learned a lot
from The Bold Ones

and Owen Marshall

and I expect to pass the bar
on the Perry Mason reruns.

You mean court's
just like it is on TV?

Pretty much.

The judge walks
in, and you stand up.

When he stands, you
stand; when he sits, you sit.

Sounds like Follow the Leader.

Yeah, well, sort of.

And then, when
he calls your name

you become the witness
and you sit in the witness chair.

Is that where I
have to tell the truth?

Yup. "The truth, the whole truth

and nothing but the truth."

Alice, if I don't sit in that
chair, can I fib a little?

Sweetie, I don't
think your mother

would want you to do that.

But if Bobby and I
tell the truth, she'll lose

and go to jail for
years and years.

Honey, this is just
a small claims court.

There's no jury.

Your mother's not
going to have to go to jail

no matter what you say.

The judge just
listens to both sides

and then he decides which...

Cindy, when you finish
breakfast, get Bobby.

I want you both to
come out in the backyard.

I'm finished.

Come on, Marcia, honey.

What's up, Mrs. Brady?

We're going to find out why
four people in the same car

didn't see the same
thing the same way.

How? Mr. Brady
is going to re-stage

the scene of the crime.

Come on.

Okay, now, let's go through this

the way it happened
at the supermarket.

And remember, I said exactly.

Okay? Okay. Okay.

Where do you want the car, Dad?

Uh, Carol, is that about right?

Yeah, I think so.

Okay, Greg, that's okay.

Now, uh, you're Mr. Duggan,

and you start backing
up when I tell you.

Right, Dad.

Hey, Pete, you want
to ride along with me?

Nah. I don't want to
ride with Mr. Duggan.

Either do I.

Never mind that now, kids.
Now, come on, let's, uh,

let's get started
here. Now, Carol,

tell me everything
you did, exactly.

Okay. Well, first,
we got into the car

and we fastened
our seat belts. Right?

Right.

And, um, then I
started the motor

and then I looked carefully
behind me to make sure

that everything was clear

and then I started to back out.

That's when we didn't
see you look back.

Start backing, Greg!

Okay, Dad.

And don't stop until I tell you.

Hey, wait a minute.

That's when you two were
fighting about something.

Oh, yeah.

You spilled ice
cream all over me.

Okay, kids, I said "exactly."

So you two go ahead, fight.

I did not spill it on you!

You did, too!

I did not!

You did! I didn't!

You did! I didn't.
Listen, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I think
we got something here.

Hey, hey, Dad.

You two were arguing the
whole time... Dad, Dad, Dad?

Peter, not now. You two
were But, but, but Dad!

Arguing the whole
time... Peter, will you...?

Greg, stop!

Oh, whew. We almost
had another court case.

Yeah, Brady v. Brady.

Bobby, Cindy...

were you two arguing
the whole time?

Yeah, I think we were.

Well, if you were,

how do you know
whether your mother

looked back or not
before the accident?

Well, maybe she did look
back, and we didn't see it.

Exactly.

And it only takes a split
second to miss something.

Maybe we missed it.

We're sorry, Mom.

Oh, that's okay, honey.

You only said what you
thought was the truth.

Well, Mr. Brady, you're
a regular Charlie Chan.

Ah, so...

Honorable wife of
honorable detective

hope honorable
judge just as clever.

Thank you.

Next case is Duggan v. Brady.

Will the interested parties

please step forward?

Mrs. Brady?

Yes, your Honor.

The defendant, huh?

Will Mr. Duggan
please step forward?

Mrs. Brady, you may
return to your seat.

The Court will grant Mr. Duggan

two minutes grace.

Mom, Dad, look.

A neck brace.

Do you believe that?

I'm surprised he doesn't
have both legs in a cast.

State your name, please.

Harry Duggan, sir.

I'm sorry I'm late, Your Honor,

but I was at the
doctor's... whiplash.

Yes, so it appears.

Uh, the defendant
will return, please.

You understand that
I will hear both sides,

and then the Court will render

a decision. Yes, Your Honor.

The plaintiff first.

You may use the blackboard.

Well, it's rather
difficult, Your Honor.

You see, I can
hardly turn my head,

but I was, uh... I
was parked, uh,

here and, uh... she
was parked, uh...

like that.

I had just come from the
market with my groceries.

My wife usually does
the shopping, but...

poor woman is bedridden.

Uh, just stick to what happened
in the parking lot, Mr. Duggan.

Yes, sir. Well, I
got into my car,

and I turned my head carefully

and, uh, looked
out the rear window.

Of course, I can't turn
my head now, but, uh,

I looked, and I
saw it was clear,

so I started to
back up very slowly

when, all of a sudden,

she came barreling
out of her parking space

and... wham, bang...
Ran right into me.

Of course, you know

how women drivers
are, Your Honor.

Whether the other
driver is male or female

is not pertinent.

Except, of course,
to his or her spouse.

Oh, I understand, sir.
I just meant that, uh...

Have you anything to add?

Uh, have you any witnesses?

Oh, no, sir.

I just have here
an itemized list

of the damages to my car.

No thanks to her,
I could have been

banged up a lot worse than this.

Of course, I can't
even turn my head.

Yes, you have made
that abundantly clear.

Mrs. Brady, it's your turn.

Thank you.

Your Honor...

I agree with Mr. Duggan
on only one point...

We were both parked.

But I was the one
who looked back

to make sure
everything was clear.

He couldn't have. Otherwise,
he wouldn't have hit me.

No! You're the one that didn't
look out, because you hit me.

Oh, just a minute, Mister...

Mr. Duggan, I believe
you have had your turn.

Uh... children,
are you witnesses?

Oh, yes, Your Honor.

I object, Your Honor.

She probably told
them what to say.

Mr. Duggan, the Court does
not need advice from you.

State your names, please.

Marcia Brady.

Robert Brady.

Cynthia Brady, Your Honor.

Now, children, the story
that your mother told

about the accident in the
parking lot... is that true?

Did she turn around
and carefully look

before she backed up?

Yes, Your Honor. I
saw her look back.

Ah, are you sure?

Yes, sir. I'm sure.

But Cindy and I didn't
see her, Your Honor.

He spilled ice
cream on my dress.

I did not.

You did, too. CAROL: Shh!

I did not.

Did, too. I did not.

Shh, kids. Did, too. I did not.

You may be seated, children.

The Court finds itself

with two completely
conflicting accounts

of this accident.

Now, on the one hand,

Mr. Duggan states
categorically that he looked

very carefully before
he pulled his car out.

And on the other hand,
Mrs. Brady contends

the same thing.

This leaves the Court

to settle the decision

entirely on the testimony

of both the litigants.

Hey, he turned his head.

Yeah, he turned his head.

No, I didn't. Um...

I, um... I just was, um...

Mr. Duggan, it is the
opinion of the Court

that your neck brace
was an overt attempt

to change the
opinion of this Court,

therefore beclouding
your testimony.

I find in favor of
the defendant.

Oh, thank you.

Wow. That was really smart, Dad.

Honorable father
use honorable noodle.

Honorable mother most grateful.

Dad, can we go see
the Judge for a second?

What for?

Maybe he can decide

who spilled the ice cream.

It's mine.

It is not! It's mine!

Jan, let go.

I won't. It's my candy bar!

No, it's not! Yes, it is!

Let me settle this.

I was just in court,

so I know all about
settling things really legal.

Okay by me.

Okay.

Court will now come to order.

Whatever Judge Brady says goes.

Let me see the evidence.

You say it's yours,

and she says it's hers. Right?

It's mine. I bought
it yesterday.

It is not. It's mine.

I just got it at the store.

Hmm. It's a very tough case.

There's only one thing to do.

Cindy!

Cindy!