The Brady Bunch (1969–1974): Season 2, Episode 5 - Going, Going... Steady - full transcript

♪ Here's the story ♪

♪ Of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was bringing up ♪

♪ Three very lovely girls ♪

♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪

♪ Like their mother ♪

♪ The youngest one in curls ♪

♪ It's the story of a
man named Brady ♪

♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪

♪ They were four
men living all together ♪

♪ Yet they were all alone ♪



♪ Till the one day when ♪

♪ The lady met this fellow ♪

♪ And they knew that it was ♪

♪ Much more than a hunch ♪

♪ That this group must ♪

♪ Somehow form a family ♪

♪ That's the way we all ♪

♪ Became the Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch,
the Brady Bunch ♪

♪ That's the way we
became the Brady Bunch. ♪

Hi, sweetheart.

You're home late today.

Hi, Alice.

Alice?



All day long I thought

I was Carol Brady, your mother.

What a lovely day this is.

Seemed kind of cloudy to me.

It's the loveliest day ever.

The daffodils are singing.

The birds are blooming.

Daffodils are singing
and birds are blooming?

What's with her?

Well, my woman's
intuition tells me...

Yes?

That our little girl
has a slight case

of puppy love.

Slight case?

I'd say, from that dazed
expression on her face,

she had an epidemic.

You're sure that's what it is?

Yeah. I know the look.

She's only 13.

Well, that's the age...

That uncertain year between
childhood and adolescence.

Well, anything
we can do to help?

There certainly is, Mr. Brady.

What?

Prepare ourselves for
the agonies to come.

Alice, have you
talked to Marcia?

No. Why?

She's real weird.

I asked her if I could
borrow a scarf, and she said,

"The air is full of music,
and the birds smell like wine."

"The birds smell like wine"?

That's what she said, honest.

Well, maybe a hummingbird got
into somebody's cooking sherry.

That would give them
something to hum about.

Jan, what's the
matter with Marcia?

Did she say something
goofy to you, too?

Uh-uh. She's just sitting there

staring at the wall

with a dumb look on her face.

See?

Maybe she's coming
down with the flu.

I'd better check on her.

Marcia, honey, do you feel okay?

When your heart has
wings, who can feel?

Now do you believe us?

Well, I was close, but
I got the wrong bug...

Make that the love
bug, not the flu bug.

Mom, Marcia's been
locked in that bathroom

for an hour.

We need one more
bathroom or one less sister.

Yeah. One less sister.

Oh, be patient with her, boys.

You know she's in the
throes of her first romance.

You mean she's in love? Yech!

Bobby, love isn't all "yech."

Well, who's the
unfortunate fellow?

I think his name
is... Harvey Klinger?

Harvey Klinger?

Harvey Klinger?

Harvey Klinger?

Who's Harvey Klinger?

What's wrong with
Harvey Klinger?

Everything's wrong
with Harvey Klinger.

He's an all-time, all-American

grade-A creep.

Besides being a jerk, a goof

and a double dingbat.

Greg, don't you think

that's being just
a little bit strong?

Mom, those are his good points.

Hey, you'll never
guess what happened.

She's out of the bathroom.

It's about time.

Now she's on the phone.

Talking to harebrained
Harvey, no doubt.

Nope, she's talking
to her girlfriend, Sally,

who sits next to Harvey.

And it sure sounds icky.

Dinner's ready, kids.

Alice, would you
please call the others?

Hey, dinner ready, Alice?

Just coming to
get you, Mr. Brady.

She's still staring at the wall.

Cindy, must we have

these ten-minute announcements?

I'd better go and get Juliet.

I'll do that.

You'd better eat my
pot roast while it's hot.

When it cools off, it loses
something in the translation.

Come on.

Soup's on, honey.

Everybody's waiting for you.

Everyone except Harvey Klinger.

Hmm?

He doesn't know
I'm alive, Alice.

Oh, now, what
makes you say that?

I didn't. He did.

Told my girlfriend, Sally.

Maybe she misunderstood him.

No, Alice.

Have you ever been in love?

I mean, really, truly in love?

Sure.

And it can hurt...

until the next time
you're really, truly in love.

I'll never find the
right man again.

Sure, you will.

The problem is to
find the right man

that thinks you're
the right woman.

What's the difference?

If Harvey Klinger
doesn't know I exist...

I wish I didn't.

Marcia hasn't got
the sign of a cough,

and she isn't lying on a chaise

holding a faded lily,

but you have definitely
got a Camille on your hands.

Well, I suppose it hurts
the same at any age.

There must be some
way we can help her.

Yeah, there is.

How?

Well, by not butting in.

Honey, look, she's
going to get over it.

Puppy love isn't lasting,
and it certainly isn't fatal.

No, but, for a while,

it can sure make
you wish it was.

You're absolutely right.

I say we should try to help her.

Yeah, and I say, "Butt out."

Well, Mike, you yourself said,

"Is there anything we can
do to help?" Remember?

I know, but that's not...

Well, then, it's settled.

We help.

Now, the problem
is that Harvey Klinger

doesn't even notice Marcia.

Well, then, let's think

of a way to see that he does.

Yeah, let's think of a way.

Oh, no.

You think of a way.

All right, but I'm going
to do it under protest.

Okay. Now, Mike,

when you were Harvey's age,

what attracted you to girls?

Well, um... having
something in common

like... a hobby.

Well, that sounds
like a good idea.

What was your hobby?

Girls!

I wonder what Harvey
Klinger's hobby is.

This one? Don't peek.

A banded wooly bear moth.

Right.

And, uh, ugh, this one.

Yuck... a purple tiger beetle.

That one looks icky.

Mmm. I'm with you.

Are you sure you want
to go through with this?

You asked me what Harvey likes,

and that's what
Havey likes: bugs.

Bugs.

Okay.

Onward.

This one.

A 17-year... clicida?

No, not clicida... cicada.

Cicada.

Right.

And this one.

That's a watch.

Right again.

And time for you to go to bed.

You don't know how much
I appreciate this, Mom.

Oh, that's okay.

That's what mothers are for.

Hey, how's
everything in Bug City?

It's heaven, Dad.

Simply heaven.

I take it everything
went well, huh?

Oh, and very educational, too.

Well, do you know the difference

between a male peach tree borer

and a female peach tree borer?

No. I haven't
the slightest idea.

Lucky for you

you're not a peach tree borer.

Hey, thanks for the
hobby idea anyway.

Yeah, well, I did
it under protest,

and I still don't think
we should meddle.

Oh.

What's that?

Oh, that's Greg.

Helping Marcia's cause.

What's he doing out there?

Collecting bugs.

Collecting bugs?

Mm-hmm.

How did you get him to
agree to do a thing like that?

Well, I just explained
to him Marcia's problem,

and the fact that,

you know, she is his sister,

and that it is his
duty to help her...

How much you pay him?

Only ten cents a bug.

Is anybody sitting here?

Hmm?

May I sit here?

Mmm.

Nice day, isn't it?

Mmm.

Well, of all things...
A lateral femarata!

Where? Where?

Right there.

It's an absolute
perfect specimen.

You can have it if you like.

I already have one.

Gee, thanks.

My name's Harvey Klinger.

I'm Marcia Brady.

You're the first girl I ever met

who knew anything about bugs.

I collect them.

You do?

Say, aren't we in the
same English class?

I don't know.

I sit in front.

What's that you're reading?

The Wonderful World of Insects,

by Professor G.T. Hardgrove.

That's my favorite
book in the whole world.

Fourth period bell.

Yeah.

Can I walk you to class?

Okay.

Mom! Mom!

You'll never, never,
never, never, never guess

what happened to me.

Well, I'll take a
stab in the dark.

What happened?

Harvey Klinger walked me home.

No. Oh, Marcia,
that's wonderful.

The bugs worked!

And that's not all.

He asked me to
go steady with him.

I said yes, if you say yes.

Can I, Mom, please?

Well, um...

I'll speak to your
father about it.

Oh, musca domestica, I love you.

What?

That's the common housefly.

Go steady?

Go steady.

Steady there, Mrs. Brady.

Oh, I wanted Harvey
Klinger to like her,

but going steady
is something else.

I know what you mean.

You expected her
to just go wading,

not dive right in from
the 20-foot board.

Oh, Mr. Brady warned
me not to interfere.

You'll have to tell him.

If he hears it from
Marcia, it'll be much worse.

Yeah, that's right.

I wouldn't worry too much.

He's a reasonable man.

He is, Alice.

But as a favor, would
you tell him on my day off?

Good-bye, Mom.

Good-bye, honey.

Good-bye, Alice.

Bye, Mom.

Bye, Alice.

Bye, sugarplum.

Good-bye, Mom.

Bye, Mom. Bye, Alice.

You didn't tell me, Mrs. Brady.

Was Mr. Brady very upset

about Marcia going steady?

Oh, not at all.

Oh, good.

I, um... didn't tell him yet.

Oh.

Well, he worked late last night

and, by the time he came to bed,

I'd already gone to sleep.

I see.

But I'm going to
tell him this morning.

Maybe I'll tell
him after dinner.

I'll fix his favorite dish.

Chicken.

Right, chicken.

I didn't mean the
dish. I meant you.

All right, no more stalling.

I'll face the music.

I'll go tell him now.

Want to come with me?

Thanks just the same.

I'm no good at duets.

Mike?

Yeah?

Oh, it can wait.

If you're too busy,
I'll come back later.

Honey, I'm just getting
dressed for work.

I do that from time to time.

Yeah.

What's on your mind?

Mike... Mmm?

You're an
open-minded man, right?

Right.

And flexible... Oh, very.

I mean, you're
not the type of man

who would ever
say, "I told you so."

Carol, just what are
we talking about here?

Well, that rare gift you have

for being fair,
impartial, unprejudiced.

You left out courteous,
faithful and true.

Yeah, those, too.

What do I get my
merit badge for?

For being understanding

when I tell you that
Marcia wants to go steady

with Harvey Klinger.

Would my striped tie
look all right with this?

Did you hear what I said, Mike?

Marcia wants to go
steady with Harvey Klinger.

So what?

Going steady, school
dances, a movie, a soda.

Doesn't mean a thing.

You don't think so?

No. Honey, listen,

going steady
today isn't the same

as when we were 13.

Oh, I'm so glad
you're not upset.

Upset? Fair, impartial,
unprejudiced Mike Brady?

Oh, I absolutely love you!

I really do.

You do, huh?

That's good to hear.

You know, after we're
married a few years,

I may ask you to go steady.

This is a very unique
specimen of drosophila.

Really the common fruit fly,

but with the unique
habit of living in vinegar.

Gee, Harvey.

Gosh!

Sickening. Positively sickening.

Hi, Greg.

Hi, Mom.

Are Marcia and Harvey
still in the kitchen?

Are they? Yech!

This hairy one's
called the snout beetle.

It's lovely.

So close to the weevil
family, yet so different.

Hi.

With its offset eyes and
its many-jointed antennas.

Gee, Marcia, you
really know your bugs.

What a sweet
thing to say, Harvey.

Honest, Mom, that Harvey
is buggier than his bugs.

You said it.

"Do you know the hairy
beetle has offset eyes?"

"Why, naturally.

And a drosophila lives
in vinegar, my dear."

"Oh, how thrilling, Harvey."

"Gosh, Marcia."

Come on, you two. Scoot.

Offset eyes?

What's so funny?

Private joke.

Okay.

How goes it, kids?

I think that's fascinating.

Carpenter ants really
nest in dead trees?

You'll have to take my word.

I couldn't bring a
dead tree with me.

Well, I'd never doubt
your word, Harvey.

This one's a queen.

No wings, you'll notice.

I noticed that.

She pulled them off herself.

Though why? Why?

One of the eternal
mysteries of the insect world.

How about a piece
of fruit, Harvey?

Some milk and cookies?

Harvey, how about
a bug sandwich?

You say something, Mr. Brady?

I thought that'd get you.

Hi.

We need another
guy for basketball.

I'm not a guy.

I'm a girl.

An older girl.

Since when?

Since I started going steady

with Harvey Klinger.

And I no longer
play kids' games.

What are you doing up here?

You're supposed
to be helping us.

Yeah. Dusting the living room.

And sweeping the
kitchen and patio.

Dust makes my eyes red,
which is very unbecoming

to a woman going steady.

Oh, well, then just sweep.

It would ruin my
feminine posture.

You're only 13.

You're not old enough
yet to have a "posture."

What do you need
false eyelashes for?

That one looks like a seesaw.

It makes me feel
womanly, glamorous.

That's why women wear perfume

and eye shadow and lipstick.

Makes you attractive to a
man; beautiful and exotic.

It does?

Well, I might as well
be beautiful and exotic.

Me, too.

Lovely, lovely.

Isn't that just
absolutely... lovely.

My goodness.

Just what do you
think you're doing?

Just girl talk, Mom.

How do I smell?

Like you need a long, hot bath.

And right now.

What about me, Mom?

How do I look?

Oh, Cindy, I know your
mouth is there someplace.

Try some soap and water

and see if you
can find it, okay?

I was experimenting
with the eyelashes, Mom.

Going steady is one thing,

but wearing false
eyelashes is out.

Out?

A lot of girls my
age wear makeup.

Well, I'm sorry.

That's their mothers'
problem, not mine.

Now, off they come.

Ouch!

Like Harvey says...

"Parents just don't
understand our generation."

Marcia, I understand
it better than you think.

I've already lived
through your generation.

But things have changed
since you were my age.

Only times have
changed, sweetheart.

People haven't.

But they have!

You know what Harvey says?

A girl my age is like a
20-year-old used to be,

and a boy of 14 is like 22.

A girl of 13 is like 20
and a boy of 14 is like 22?

That's what Harvey said.

Oh, I should have
listened to you, Mike,

and not interfered.

I don't like the way
this is changing Marcia.

Of course, on the other hand,

maybe Harvey has a point.

What?

We're understanding,
modern parents.

We have to be open-minded
and fair about things, right?

What's gotten into you?

Well, if Harvey is
22 and Marcia is 20,

then that's the way
they ought to be treated.

If that's what Harvey says.

Hi, Mr. Brady.

Hi, Harvey. Good to see you.

Come on in.

Come on in. Sit down.

Make yourself at home.

Marcia's running a
little late for her date,

but that's a woman for you, huh?

Yes, sir. That's
a woman for you.

What we men put up with, huh?

Yes, sir. We men.

Yeah.

You two doing the
town tonight, huh?

Kind of taking it easy
tonight... Just a soda.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

You know, Harvey,

I wasn't too sure about
you and Marcia going steady

at first

but, as you say, she's like
a woman of 20 used to be,

and you're like a man of 22.

That's right, sir.

Then I think that's how
you ought to be treated.

You're not a kid now.

You're practically
an adult, right?

Yes, sir.

And ready to face

the responsibilities of life.

Yes, sir.

Harvey, what are your
plans for the future?

The future?

Mm-hmm.

Well, uh, next week, I'm
going to get a new front tire

for my bicycle.

No, no, Harvey.

I mean for work or a home
or... some kind of retirement plan.

Well, uh, before I retire,

I have to get out of
junior high school.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, Harvey. I'm ready.

Swell. Uh, let's go.

Oh, listen, no need
to rush, Harvey.

Um, Marcia, I was just
talking about you two.

What about me?

I was just saying that I think

it's a big responsibility

to be going steady,

and I'm pleased that Harvey here

is taking it so seriously.

Seriously?

That's good to know.

Before you know it, Harvey,

you'll be out of high school,

out of college, going to work,

and hearing those wedding bells.

Wedding bells?

What wedding bells?

Yours and Harvey's...
The two of you.

Hand in hand, forever.

Me and Harvey?

Just like your father and I.

Mm-hmm.

We'd better get going, Harvey.

Yeah.

If you'll excuse us, sir?

Oh, sure. Of course, Harvey.

Listen, it's nice having
this talk with you, okay?

That's okay.

Yeah.

Good night, Mom.

Good night, Dad.

What was that all about?

Look, Marcia, I don't
think I'm ready to be 22 yet.

That's not what I
meant by going steady.

Me neither.

Maybe we could go
steady just once a week.

Yeah. That's steady enough.

Still want that soda?

Sure. But let's hurry
and get right home.

Kids our age need lots of sleep.

Mom, Dad, this is Lester.

Hi.

Hi, Lester.

Hi.

Kitchen's that way.

Isn't he neat?

Whatever happened to Danny?

Yeah, and Harvey Bugs?

Harvey turned out to be a drip.

And Danny was dull.

So was Alan.

I'm going steady
with Lester this week.

Oh, good.

See you later.

Oh, that's a nice age.

Any age is a nice age.

Even ours.