The Brady Bunch (1969–1974): Season 1, Episode 6 - A Clubhouse Is Not a Home - full transcript
The boys don't want to share their backyard clubhouse with the girls, so the girls try to build one on their own.
♪ Here's the story ♪
♪ Of a lovely lady ♪
♪ Who was bringing up ♪
♪ Three very lovely girls ♪
♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪
♪ Like their mother ♪
♪ The youngest one in curls ♪
♪ It's the story of a
man named Brady ♪
♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
♪ They were four
men living all together ♪
♪ Yet they were all alone ♪
♪ Till the one day when ♪
♪ The lady met this fellow ♪
♪ And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
♪ That this group ♪
♪ Must somehow form a family ♪
♪ That's the way they all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
♪ The Brady Bunch ♪
♪ The Brady Bunch ♪
♪ That's the way they
became the Brady Bunch. ♪
Mm, thanks, Alice.
Ladies, I would like
to propose a toast.
To the successful launch
of Project Brady Bunch.
Six happy kids,
two lucky parents
and an interested bystander.
Hear! Hear!
And with all due respect,
according to my calculations,
you've only just blasted
off the launching pad.
Yes, but we're
off to a good start.
Oh, yes, ma'am, I only
meant to say it'll take time.
Lots of it.
Look how smoothly
things have gone so far.
Why, this place
is like a paradise.
Come here. I want to
show you something.
Look at that.
See? They're getting
along just great.
Just like she said... paradise.
Half of six-four
is... Three-two.
I like to be fair.
Now, everything to the
left of the shoe is hers.
Everything to the
right is his: 50-50.
Hmm... 51-49.
There. 50-50.
There.
We used to have plenty
of space around here
till all these cartons
arrived from storage.
Well, don't forget, you've added
four women to your household.
Four women and 444 cartons.
443.
Marcia, how come
you get two dresser drawers
and I only get one?
She wears fatter clothes.
Longer, not fatter.
Mommy says you fill out, not up.
Oh, here's some more stuff.
Oh, thanks, boys.
Just put it anywhere.
Oh, those three boxes by
the door go in the girls' room.
We have to lug them in there?
Yes, you do.
When the time
comes, they'll help you.
It's called family
cooperation, boys.
You scratch their backs
and they scratch yours.
I don't want any girl
scratching my back.
Just wait a few years, shrimp.
Okay, that's enough.
Let's get going, boys.
Here, let me help you.
Boys, when you're
through with that,
put these empty
cartons in the trash.
I'll be back in a minute.
I'll tell you what:
I'll trade you 14
inches of closet space
for an extra dresser drawer.
Okay. It's a deal.
What about me?
One drawer is enough for you.
What happens
when I start to fill out?
I'll be married
and gone by then.
Thank goodness.
We've been waiting for those.
Oh, we took our time
'cause this is so much fun.
Where do you want this junk?
It's not junk.
My carton goes on this bed.
Mine goes here.
My carton goes on that bed,
but nobody's got my carton.
No, that one goes here.
Would Your Royal Highnesses
care to make up their minds?
Look, we've got enough trouble
trying to put these things away.
Oh, that's a rotten
shame, huh, Greg?
Yeah. All's we have to do
is carry the cartons for you.
Where's mine?
Bobby's bringing that one up.
I sure hope it has
more hair ribbons
and stuffed animals.
You're running
low on those things.
There's no need to be sarcastic.
Hey, this weighs a ton. Make
up your mind where you want it.
Let's see now. That one goes...
Goes right where he drops it.
Yeah, do your own switching!
It's heavy!
What you got in it anyway?
Don't you dare open that!
That's unmentionables. Yeah.
What's unmentionables?
If we wanted to mention them,
they wouldn't be unmentionables.
Now, stop being so nosy.
And go see if
there's anything else.
Yes, madame, whatever you say.
Boy, talk about being bossy!
Boy, is this thing heavy!
Just drop it anywhere,
Bobby, and come with us.
Good-bye, dragon ladies.
Excuse me.
Oh, it's you.
I'm collecting the empties.
I told the boys to do that.
At the risk of being
branded an informer,
they walked off the job.
Why?
At the risk of being
branded two informers,
I don't think they like
the working conditions.
Leave them right there.
It's collective bargaining time.
Well, boys?
We're sick of doing
things for them, Dad.
"Do this. Do that."
They're a real pain.
Yeah. They're too bossy.
And all that junk they
bring in the house...
Dolls and stuffed animals
and... and those hair ribbons.
Thousands of hair ribbons.
We're surrounded
by hair ribbons.
Boys... now, listen to me.
Before I ever proposed to Carol,
the four of us had
a very long talk
about Marcia, Jan and Cindy.
Remember it?
Now, I told you to speak then
or forever hold your peace.
Now, who recalls what you said?
Peter?
It's kind of hard to remember.
That was three months ago.
Yeah, we were just kids then.
Greg?
We said we wanted
you to get married.
That's right.
And when I did, I promised
not only to love Carol
but her girls as well.
Well... I do love them.
Okay, Dad, we get the point.
From now on, we'll
really try to relate.
Right, fellas?
Okay.
I'm ready to relate.
I'll relate, too...
whatever that means.
Good.
Mike?
Half of six-four...
Is three-two.
Amazing.
That shoe keeps
moving without a foot in it.
Oh, Mike, you're
just splitting hairs.
More evenly than
you're splitting closets.
Trouble?
His or hers?
One of each.
The bathroom.
Carol, I am putting
you on your honor.
Who? Me?
Yes.
You call this
sharing a bathroom?
I call it sharing
a beauty parlor.
Men. You want your
women to look beautiful,
but you aren't
going to cooperate.
I'll cooperate and
I'll throw all this junk
right out the window.
You do it and you'll
go right out after it.
Oh, yeah? Yeah!
All right, what's the trouble?
Dad, would you look at this!
I can't even find my toothbrush.
Listen, you're the
two oldest kids,
but you really ought to
take a lesson from the others.
Now, they're getting
along just fine.
Hey!
Where did you get that?
Out back.
That belongs in our clubhouse.
Bring it back!
Finders, keepers,
losers, weepers!
Bring that sign back!
You'll have to catch me first!
When I do, I'm
going to slug you!
You wouldn't dare!
Want to make a bet?!
You'd better take that off
by the time I count to three:
One...
I bet you can't
even count to three.
Two... you don't scare me.
Two-and-a-half.
Hey, hey, what's
the arithmetic for?
When I get to three,
I'm going to scalp her.
Why?
For wearing my outfit.
I'm Little Owl, not her.
Well, I think Cindy
makes a Petty Squaw.
Yuck!
Oh, this stuff makes me swoon.
Give me back my "One I Love"!
Make me!
You give that back right now!
Come and get it.
Stop!
That's what all girls say.
Two-and-three-quarters...
Greg. Marcia.
Greg Brady, you give that here!
That sign belongs to us!
Three!
Bobby, wait a minute.
Well... Stop it!
Here's what it says
in the dictionary:
"To share: to divide into
fair and equal portions."
Well, I think that's fair.
Mom!
Mommy!
Help!
Alice, what do you call this?!
Paradise, remember?
When your mother
and I were married,
the man said, "For
better or worse."
We've had enough worse.
Now, we're going
to have some better.
Effective immediately,
we share...
and share alike.
Everything... bathrooms,
tom-toms, whatever.
Got it?
Good. Let's forget what
happened this morning.
From now on, it's gonna
be all for one and one for all.
All those in favor?
Aye.
Come on. All those in favor?
Aye.
That's better.
Right this way, sir.
What... what's this all about?
You'll see.
It's about... this.
50-50.
Naw... Well, your
speech really hit home.
I wasn't talking about
you... well, primarily.
Quote: "Effective immediately,
we all share and share alike."
Unquote.
You know something?
I grow to like you more
and more every day.
Dad, come quick!
In the backyard!
Mike!
Hold it down.
Hold it down!
Look, Dad, look what
they did... curtains!
And rugs!
Girl stuff.
They totaled the place!
Well, I think it looks lovely.
Honey, it may
be lovely for girls,
but not for a boys'
clubhouse, it isn't.
Correction: boys'
and girls' clubhouse.
Correction: boys' clubhouse.
Mike?
Okay, everybody
out. Come on, kids.
Oh, Alice! Oh... Come,
on everybody out.
Come on, kids. Come on.
I want to see them fight.
Out.
Come on, kids.
Everybody, come on.
Carol, there are certain places
where women are
just not permitted.
Name one. Just one.
Boys' clubhouses and
men's locker rooms.
That's two. Whatever happened
to share and share alike?
Carol, this is different.
How?
I'm sure if the girls
had a doll house,
and the boys
wanted to play in it,
there wouldn't be any problem.
Oh, yes, there would.
If my boys wanted to play
in anybody's doll house,
I'd take them to a psychiatrist.
Look, there are times when
men want a place of their own.
I still say that
girls have a right
to anything that boys have.
How about beards?
That isn't funny.
Oh, honey... I'm sorry.
Boy, paradise is sure taking
a beating around here today.
My feet hurt.
I'm thirsty.
Let's rest up and try it again.
These picket signs
won't do any good.
It always works at colleges.
I don't want to picket anymore.
Me, neither.
Well, do you have
any better ideas?
Girls, let's talk about
this clubhouse business.
Maybe we can move
to South America
and live with the Amazons.
They're all women, aren't they?
Yeah, but you got
to be over six feet tall.
Boy, I bet they have
a big clubhouse.
One thing's sure:
We're not gonna give in.
We women have to
stick up for our rights.
That's true, but let's think
about men's rights for a minute.
Now, girls, in
order to get along,
sometimes you have
to compromise a little.
And we'll never let 'em in.
Never. Never.
Never is a very
long time, fellas.
Remember, these women
are living with us now.
Yeah, but we're
fighting for a principle,
for men to have a
place of their own.
Well, did you ever see
a woman in the YMCA?
Mrs. Carson, she
runs the whole thing.
Oh, she's just a
secretary there.
Now, listen, fellas.
Let's just slow down a minute.
Honey, there's nothing
to worry about anymore...
I talked to the boys. And?
I think I straightened them out.
Oh, Mike, that's great. Yeah.
How about that. How about what?
Well, I talked to the girls.
They understand
things better now.
Is that amazing?
Two great minds
with a single thought.
Oh, nobody can say we
don't understand each other.
Well, I'm glad you
were finally able
to convince the boys
they were wrong.
Honey, I didn't convince them they
were wrong, because they weren't.
I just explained
how important it is
to compromise with the girls
no matter how wrong
they think the girls are.
Well, who said the
girls were wrong?
You did. You just said they
understand things better.
Well, they do... I told them
they have to learn to go along
with men's little idiosyncrasies.
I see.
And, uh, women don't
have any idiosyncrasies?
Well, certainly,
but a different kind.
A woman's idiosyncrasy is
right, and a man's is wrong?
No, but a woman
has to be more flexible.
Oh, come on, honey.
A man's more
flexible than a woman.
Huh! Says men.
Do you get the feeling that between
the time I walked in here and now,
something has gone very wrong?
Yeah. Me, too.
Hi, Alice.
No fair peeking in
the pots before dinner.
I wasn't gonna peek in the pot.
Oh.
I was gonna ask you a question.
Go ahead, ask.
Who do you think is
right about the clubhouse?
The boys or the girls?
I'd rather have you
peek in the pots.
Come on, Alice. Who
do you really think is right?
You want to know
what I really think?
Yeah.
I think you ought
to get out of here
before I take sides.
Oh, come on, Alice.
I'm sorry, Greg,
I'm not gonna get
in the middle of this
one. Out, out, out.
Go in the backyard and
play ball or something.
Alice...
Sorry, Marcia, I can't
answer that question.
But I haven't even
asked you anything.
Oh, that's right.
Go ahead, ask.
Do you think the girls are right
about the clubhouse,
or the boys?
Like I said, sorry, Marcia, I
can't answer that question.
Alice, are you a mind reader?
Housekeeper. Same thing.
Alice, please.
Sorry, Mrs. Brady,
no way will I get involved
in the great clubhouse debate.
But, Alice, I need your help.
When you two promised
to love, honor, et cetera,
I promised to butt out.
Well, I'm granting you immunity
to butt back in,
with no reprisals.
I'll handle the
really big decisions...
Like how much
butter on the toast,
how long to bake the
potatoes, that sort of thing...
But when it comes to trivia,
like how to salvage a family
that's up to you and Mr. Brady.
Alice, I need your hel...
Excuse me, it's time for
me to start something.
Maybe I'll make it dinner.
What did you mean,
"Alice, I need your help"?
"Help"? Oh, I
didn't say, "help."
I said, "hel," like in helmet.
"Alice, I need your helmet?"
Come on.
I happen to belong
to the National Guard,
and we're having a meeting
a week from Wednesday.
Please, Sandra,
can't we work this out?
No, lance.
It's too late.
You treated me like
a second-class citizen
for the last time.
I'll do anything
to win you back.
Anything, Lance?
Anything.
Very well, then.
My price is... yes, Sandra?
My price is...
equality in the home.
Equality?
Yes, Lance, equality.
You must treat me
not as a possession,
but as an equal.
Done, Sandra.
Done.
Like I said, I
promised not to butt in,
but when Sandra said
"equality" to Lance,
I just lost my head.
Alice, there's one
major flaw in your plan.
I would make it a complete mess.
That's the whole idea.
It is?
Yes, it is!
Alice, you've got the
mind of a master criminal.
Oh.
Thank you, Mrs. Brady.
Well, Alice, you've
done it again.
What would I do without you?
Oh, that's fine, Jan.
Cindy, you can measure that
piece of wood for Mommy, okay?
What's up, Dad?
I see it, but I
don't believe it.
What? That.
What are they doing?
It looks like they're
trying to build something.
Yeah, but what?
Maybe a girls' clubhouse?
A clubhouse?! That's hysterical.
Let's watch them.
Okay, but let's be careful.
I don't want them to see us.
Ha, there.
Well, the floor goes
in next... I think.
Shouldn't the sides come first?
What's the difference?
Bring me a 2 x 4.
What's a 2 x 4?
A skinny 4 x 4.
This looks like a good one.
We've got an audience, girls.
Make it good.
Bring it on over here.
We'll put it on the sawhorse.
Ah... There.
Sorry, Mother.
There are some pieces
of wood over there
you girls can put together.
Here are the nails.
This is better than
Laurel and Hardy.
Yeah, and no commercials.
It's the first
building in history
that needed to be condemned
before it was even built.
Well, just grab a handful
and get started, okay?
Cindy, you stay here
and help Mommy.
There.
Be careful, Mommy.
We're running short on saws.
That woman just
destroyed a brand-new saw.
That's nothing. You should
have been here earlier
when Jan was pounding
nails with your golf clubs.
Golf clubs?
Only the nine iron.
Okay, girls, time
to put up the wall.
Here we go.
That's it.
Okay, right there.
Now, you hold it while I...
while I hammer the nail in.
Oh, my, it almost hit Cindy.
This isn't funny anymore.
Greg, you and Peter,
start tearing apart
this alleged frame.
Bobby, we need all
the nails you can find.
Okay, girls, don't
just stand there.
Working men get thirsty.
We need lemonade and lots of it.
Mike, I feel guilty.
Yeah, honey.
Really, I have a
confession to make.
You tried to trick us.
We tried to trick you.
I mean, the whole thing
was nothing but a scheme...
Honey, you are a
wonderful mother
and a great wife,
but you are a rotten actress.
Well... two out
of three isn't bad.
I'll go help with the lemonade.
Okay, men, I want
to hear the sounds
of a real building being put up.
The credit for this fine
new girls' clubhouse
belongs to all those
who participated,
and looking around,
that seems to
include everyone...
plus, my buddies
at the paint store
and the lumberyard.
I think we learned
some valuable lessons:
The importance of sharing
and the importance of
respecting each other's privacy.
So... it is with great
pride that I now declare
this new girls' clubhouse
officially dedicated.
Yay! Yay! Yay!
What happened? What happened?
Bobby, come here.
When we ran out
of nails and boards,
and you got some for us,
where did you get the nails?
Well, I pulled
them out of there.
You dummy!
Wait a minute! It's all right.
We can use this clubhouse!
Good idea! Yeah!
Wait a minute, this one's ours!
Yeah, the girls' clubhouse.
We're supposed to
share things, remember?
Share and share alike.
Mike... I guess it's
all part of paradise.
You ought to see those
kids sitting in there,
watching television like
nothing had ever happened.
Be careful, Mr. Brady.
They might just be
recharging their batteries.
Oh, I don't think so, Alice.
Not after all the lessons
they learned today.
She's right. From here on out,
it's gonna be smooth sailing.
Hey, we were
watching a ball game!
Well, we want to
see the travel show.
But it's a tie score!
Did you say, "smooth sailing"?
Okay, we sprung a leak.
♪ Of a lovely lady ♪
♪ Who was bringing up ♪
♪ Three very lovely girls ♪
♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪
♪ Like their mother ♪
♪ The youngest one in curls ♪
♪ It's the story of a
man named Brady ♪
♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
♪ They were four
men living all together ♪
♪ Yet they were all alone ♪
♪ Till the one day when ♪
♪ The lady met this fellow ♪
♪ And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
♪ That this group ♪
♪ Must somehow form a family ♪
♪ That's the way they all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
♪ The Brady Bunch ♪
♪ The Brady Bunch ♪
♪ That's the way they
became the Brady Bunch. ♪
Mm, thanks, Alice.
Ladies, I would like
to propose a toast.
To the successful launch
of Project Brady Bunch.
Six happy kids,
two lucky parents
and an interested bystander.
Hear! Hear!
And with all due respect,
according to my calculations,
you've only just blasted
off the launching pad.
Yes, but we're
off to a good start.
Oh, yes, ma'am, I only
meant to say it'll take time.
Lots of it.
Look how smoothly
things have gone so far.
Why, this place
is like a paradise.
Come here. I want to
show you something.
Look at that.
See? They're getting
along just great.
Just like she said... paradise.
Half of six-four
is... Three-two.
I like to be fair.
Now, everything to the
left of the shoe is hers.
Everything to the
right is his: 50-50.
Hmm... 51-49.
There. 50-50.
There.
We used to have plenty
of space around here
till all these cartons
arrived from storage.
Well, don't forget, you've added
four women to your household.
Four women and 444 cartons.
443.
Marcia, how come
you get two dresser drawers
and I only get one?
She wears fatter clothes.
Longer, not fatter.
Mommy says you fill out, not up.
Oh, here's some more stuff.
Oh, thanks, boys.
Just put it anywhere.
Oh, those three boxes by
the door go in the girls' room.
We have to lug them in there?
Yes, you do.
When the time
comes, they'll help you.
It's called family
cooperation, boys.
You scratch their backs
and they scratch yours.
I don't want any girl
scratching my back.
Just wait a few years, shrimp.
Okay, that's enough.
Let's get going, boys.
Here, let me help you.
Boys, when you're
through with that,
put these empty
cartons in the trash.
I'll be back in a minute.
I'll tell you what:
I'll trade you 14
inches of closet space
for an extra dresser drawer.
Okay. It's a deal.
What about me?
One drawer is enough for you.
What happens
when I start to fill out?
I'll be married
and gone by then.
Thank goodness.
We've been waiting for those.
Oh, we took our time
'cause this is so much fun.
Where do you want this junk?
It's not junk.
My carton goes on this bed.
Mine goes here.
My carton goes on that bed,
but nobody's got my carton.
No, that one goes here.
Would Your Royal Highnesses
care to make up their minds?
Look, we've got enough trouble
trying to put these things away.
Oh, that's a rotten
shame, huh, Greg?
Yeah. All's we have to do
is carry the cartons for you.
Where's mine?
Bobby's bringing that one up.
I sure hope it has
more hair ribbons
and stuffed animals.
You're running
low on those things.
There's no need to be sarcastic.
Hey, this weighs a ton. Make
up your mind where you want it.
Let's see now. That one goes...
Goes right where he drops it.
Yeah, do your own switching!
It's heavy!
What you got in it anyway?
Don't you dare open that!
That's unmentionables. Yeah.
What's unmentionables?
If we wanted to mention them,
they wouldn't be unmentionables.
Now, stop being so nosy.
And go see if
there's anything else.
Yes, madame, whatever you say.
Boy, talk about being bossy!
Boy, is this thing heavy!
Just drop it anywhere,
Bobby, and come with us.
Good-bye, dragon ladies.
Excuse me.
Oh, it's you.
I'm collecting the empties.
I told the boys to do that.
At the risk of being
branded an informer,
they walked off the job.
Why?
At the risk of being
branded two informers,
I don't think they like
the working conditions.
Leave them right there.
It's collective bargaining time.
Well, boys?
We're sick of doing
things for them, Dad.
"Do this. Do that."
They're a real pain.
Yeah. They're too bossy.
And all that junk they
bring in the house...
Dolls and stuffed animals
and... and those hair ribbons.
Thousands of hair ribbons.
We're surrounded
by hair ribbons.
Boys... now, listen to me.
Before I ever proposed to Carol,
the four of us had
a very long talk
about Marcia, Jan and Cindy.
Remember it?
Now, I told you to speak then
or forever hold your peace.
Now, who recalls what you said?
Peter?
It's kind of hard to remember.
That was three months ago.
Yeah, we were just kids then.
Greg?
We said we wanted
you to get married.
That's right.
And when I did, I promised
not only to love Carol
but her girls as well.
Well... I do love them.
Okay, Dad, we get the point.
From now on, we'll
really try to relate.
Right, fellas?
Okay.
I'm ready to relate.
I'll relate, too...
whatever that means.
Good.
Mike?
Half of six-four...
Is three-two.
Amazing.
That shoe keeps
moving without a foot in it.
Oh, Mike, you're
just splitting hairs.
More evenly than
you're splitting closets.
Trouble?
His or hers?
One of each.
The bathroom.
Carol, I am putting
you on your honor.
Who? Me?
Yes.
You call this
sharing a bathroom?
I call it sharing
a beauty parlor.
Men. You want your
women to look beautiful,
but you aren't
going to cooperate.
I'll cooperate and
I'll throw all this junk
right out the window.
You do it and you'll
go right out after it.
Oh, yeah? Yeah!
All right, what's the trouble?
Dad, would you look at this!
I can't even find my toothbrush.
Listen, you're the
two oldest kids,
but you really ought to
take a lesson from the others.
Now, they're getting
along just fine.
Hey!
Where did you get that?
Out back.
That belongs in our clubhouse.
Bring it back!
Finders, keepers,
losers, weepers!
Bring that sign back!
You'll have to catch me first!
When I do, I'm
going to slug you!
You wouldn't dare!
Want to make a bet?!
You'd better take that off
by the time I count to three:
One...
I bet you can't
even count to three.
Two... you don't scare me.
Two-and-a-half.
Hey, hey, what's
the arithmetic for?
When I get to three,
I'm going to scalp her.
Why?
For wearing my outfit.
I'm Little Owl, not her.
Well, I think Cindy
makes a Petty Squaw.
Yuck!
Oh, this stuff makes me swoon.
Give me back my "One I Love"!
Make me!
You give that back right now!
Come and get it.
Stop!
That's what all girls say.
Two-and-three-quarters...
Greg. Marcia.
Greg Brady, you give that here!
That sign belongs to us!
Three!
Bobby, wait a minute.
Well... Stop it!
Here's what it says
in the dictionary:
"To share: to divide into
fair and equal portions."
Well, I think that's fair.
Mom!
Mommy!
Help!
Alice, what do you call this?!
Paradise, remember?
When your mother
and I were married,
the man said, "For
better or worse."
We've had enough worse.
Now, we're going
to have some better.
Effective immediately,
we share...
and share alike.
Everything... bathrooms,
tom-toms, whatever.
Got it?
Good. Let's forget what
happened this morning.
From now on, it's gonna
be all for one and one for all.
All those in favor?
Aye.
Come on. All those in favor?
Aye.
That's better.
Right this way, sir.
What... what's this all about?
You'll see.
It's about... this.
50-50.
Naw... Well, your
speech really hit home.
I wasn't talking about
you... well, primarily.
Quote: "Effective immediately,
we all share and share alike."
Unquote.
You know something?
I grow to like you more
and more every day.
Dad, come quick!
In the backyard!
Mike!
Hold it down.
Hold it down!
Look, Dad, look what
they did... curtains!
And rugs!
Girl stuff.
They totaled the place!
Well, I think it looks lovely.
Honey, it may
be lovely for girls,
but not for a boys'
clubhouse, it isn't.
Correction: boys'
and girls' clubhouse.
Correction: boys' clubhouse.
Mike?
Okay, everybody
out. Come on, kids.
Oh, Alice! Oh... Come,
on everybody out.
Come on, kids. Come on.
I want to see them fight.
Out.
Come on, kids.
Everybody, come on.
Carol, there are certain places
where women are
just not permitted.
Name one. Just one.
Boys' clubhouses and
men's locker rooms.
That's two. Whatever happened
to share and share alike?
Carol, this is different.
How?
I'm sure if the girls
had a doll house,
and the boys
wanted to play in it,
there wouldn't be any problem.
Oh, yes, there would.
If my boys wanted to play
in anybody's doll house,
I'd take them to a psychiatrist.
Look, there are times when
men want a place of their own.
I still say that
girls have a right
to anything that boys have.
How about beards?
That isn't funny.
Oh, honey... I'm sorry.
Boy, paradise is sure taking
a beating around here today.
My feet hurt.
I'm thirsty.
Let's rest up and try it again.
These picket signs
won't do any good.
It always works at colleges.
I don't want to picket anymore.
Me, neither.
Well, do you have
any better ideas?
Girls, let's talk about
this clubhouse business.
Maybe we can move
to South America
and live with the Amazons.
They're all women, aren't they?
Yeah, but you got
to be over six feet tall.
Boy, I bet they have
a big clubhouse.
One thing's sure:
We're not gonna give in.
We women have to
stick up for our rights.
That's true, but let's think
about men's rights for a minute.
Now, girls, in
order to get along,
sometimes you have
to compromise a little.
And we'll never let 'em in.
Never. Never.
Never is a very
long time, fellas.
Remember, these women
are living with us now.
Yeah, but we're
fighting for a principle,
for men to have a
place of their own.
Well, did you ever see
a woman in the YMCA?
Mrs. Carson, she
runs the whole thing.
Oh, she's just a
secretary there.
Now, listen, fellas.
Let's just slow down a minute.
Honey, there's nothing
to worry about anymore...
I talked to the boys. And?
I think I straightened them out.
Oh, Mike, that's great. Yeah.
How about that. How about what?
Well, I talked to the girls.
They understand
things better now.
Is that amazing?
Two great minds
with a single thought.
Oh, nobody can say we
don't understand each other.
Well, I'm glad you
were finally able
to convince the boys
they were wrong.
Honey, I didn't convince them they
were wrong, because they weren't.
I just explained
how important it is
to compromise with the girls
no matter how wrong
they think the girls are.
Well, who said the
girls were wrong?
You did. You just said they
understand things better.
Well, they do... I told them
they have to learn to go along
with men's little idiosyncrasies.
I see.
And, uh, women don't
have any idiosyncrasies?
Well, certainly,
but a different kind.
A woman's idiosyncrasy is
right, and a man's is wrong?
No, but a woman
has to be more flexible.
Oh, come on, honey.
A man's more
flexible than a woman.
Huh! Says men.
Do you get the feeling that between
the time I walked in here and now,
something has gone very wrong?
Yeah. Me, too.
Hi, Alice.
No fair peeking in
the pots before dinner.
I wasn't gonna peek in the pot.
Oh.
I was gonna ask you a question.
Go ahead, ask.
Who do you think is
right about the clubhouse?
The boys or the girls?
I'd rather have you
peek in the pots.
Come on, Alice. Who
do you really think is right?
You want to know
what I really think?
Yeah.
I think you ought
to get out of here
before I take sides.
Oh, come on, Alice.
I'm sorry, Greg,
I'm not gonna get
in the middle of this
one. Out, out, out.
Go in the backyard and
play ball or something.
Alice...
Sorry, Marcia, I can't
answer that question.
But I haven't even
asked you anything.
Oh, that's right.
Go ahead, ask.
Do you think the girls are right
about the clubhouse,
or the boys?
Like I said, sorry, Marcia, I
can't answer that question.
Alice, are you a mind reader?
Housekeeper. Same thing.
Alice, please.
Sorry, Mrs. Brady,
no way will I get involved
in the great clubhouse debate.
But, Alice, I need your help.
When you two promised
to love, honor, et cetera,
I promised to butt out.
Well, I'm granting you immunity
to butt back in,
with no reprisals.
I'll handle the
really big decisions...
Like how much
butter on the toast,
how long to bake the
potatoes, that sort of thing...
But when it comes to trivia,
like how to salvage a family
that's up to you and Mr. Brady.
Alice, I need your hel...
Excuse me, it's time for
me to start something.
Maybe I'll make it dinner.
What did you mean,
"Alice, I need your help"?
"Help"? Oh, I
didn't say, "help."
I said, "hel," like in helmet.
"Alice, I need your helmet?"
Come on.
I happen to belong
to the National Guard,
and we're having a meeting
a week from Wednesday.
Please, Sandra,
can't we work this out?
No, lance.
It's too late.
You treated me like
a second-class citizen
for the last time.
I'll do anything
to win you back.
Anything, Lance?
Anything.
Very well, then.
My price is... yes, Sandra?
My price is...
equality in the home.
Equality?
Yes, Lance, equality.
You must treat me
not as a possession,
but as an equal.
Done, Sandra.
Done.
Like I said, I
promised not to butt in,
but when Sandra said
"equality" to Lance,
I just lost my head.
Alice, there's one
major flaw in your plan.
I would make it a complete mess.
That's the whole idea.
It is?
Yes, it is!
Alice, you've got the
mind of a master criminal.
Oh.
Thank you, Mrs. Brady.
Well, Alice, you've
done it again.
What would I do without you?
Oh, that's fine, Jan.
Cindy, you can measure that
piece of wood for Mommy, okay?
What's up, Dad?
I see it, but I
don't believe it.
What? That.
What are they doing?
It looks like they're
trying to build something.
Yeah, but what?
Maybe a girls' clubhouse?
A clubhouse?! That's hysterical.
Let's watch them.
Okay, but let's be careful.
I don't want them to see us.
Ha, there.
Well, the floor goes
in next... I think.
Shouldn't the sides come first?
What's the difference?
Bring me a 2 x 4.
What's a 2 x 4?
A skinny 4 x 4.
This looks like a good one.
We've got an audience, girls.
Make it good.
Bring it on over here.
We'll put it on the sawhorse.
Ah... There.
Sorry, Mother.
There are some pieces
of wood over there
you girls can put together.
Here are the nails.
This is better than
Laurel and Hardy.
Yeah, and no commercials.
It's the first
building in history
that needed to be condemned
before it was even built.
Well, just grab a handful
and get started, okay?
Cindy, you stay here
and help Mommy.
There.
Be careful, Mommy.
We're running short on saws.
That woman just
destroyed a brand-new saw.
That's nothing. You should
have been here earlier
when Jan was pounding
nails with your golf clubs.
Golf clubs?
Only the nine iron.
Okay, girls, time
to put up the wall.
Here we go.
That's it.
Okay, right there.
Now, you hold it while I...
while I hammer the nail in.
Oh, my, it almost hit Cindy.
This isn't funny anymore.
Greg, you and Peter,
start tearing apart
this alleged frame.
Bobby, we need all
the nails you can find.
Okay, girls, don't
just stand there.
Working men get thirsty.
We need lemonade and lots of it.
Mike, I feel guilty.
Yeah, honey.
Really, I have a
confession to make.
You tried to trick us.
We tried to trick you.
I mean, the whole thing
was nothing but a scheme...
Honey, you are a
wonderful mother
and a great wife,
but you are a rotten actress.
Well... two out
of three isn't bad.
I'll go help with the lemonade.
Okay, men, I want
to hear the sounds
of a real building being put up.
The credit for this fine
new girls' clubhouse
belongs to all those
who participated,
and looking around,
that seems to
include everyone...
plus, my buddies
at the paint store
and the lumberyard.
I think we learned
some valuable lessons:
The importance of sharing
and the importance of
respecting each other's privacy.
So... it is with great
pride that I now declare
this new girls' clubhouse
officially dedicated.
Yay! Yay! Yay!
What happened? What happened?
Bobby, come here.
When we ran out
of nails and boards,
and you got some for us,
where did you get the nails?
Well, I pulled
them out of there.
You dummy!
Wait a minute! It's all right.
We can use this clubhouse!
Good idea! Yeah!
Wait a minute, this one's ours!
Yeah, the girls' clubhouse.
We're supposed to
share things, remember?
Share and share alike.
Mike... I guess it's
all part of paradise.
You ought to see those
kids sitting in there,
watching television like
nothing had ever happened.
Be careful, Mr. Brady.
They might just be
recharging their batteries.
Oh, I don't think so, Alice.
Not after all the lessons
they learned today.
She's right. From here on out,
it's gonna be smooth sailing.
Hey, we were
watching a ball game!
Well, we want to
see the travel show.
But it's a tie score!
Did you say, "smooth sailing"?
Okay, we sprung a leak.