The Brady Bunch (1969–1974): Season 1, Episode 23 - To Move or Not to Move - full transcript
The kids are at each others' throats. The basic cause of the problem is that the house is seemingly too small with six kids sharing two bedrooms and one bathroom, two of the three doors to which are often locked when the bathroom isn't in use. Mike and Carol have previously talked about buying a larger house, but they haven't seen one they either both like or can afford. That changes when Mike places an offer on a house they have previously admired that has just come on the market. At the same time, strange noises seem to be emanating from their own house. Mike, who hasn't been around when the noises are happening, suspects that it is just the house settling. Carol, Alice and the kids, all frightened, aren't too sure about Mike's assessment as some of the noises sound otherworldly. Carol just hopes that the noises subside when Mr. Grossman, their realtor, brings by Mrs. Hunsaker, the first prospective buyer of their house.
♪ Here's the story ♪
♪ Of a lovely lady ♪
♪ Who was bringing up ♪
♪ Three very lovely girls ♪
♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪
♪ Like their mother ♪
♪ The youngest one in curls ♪
♪ It's the story of a
man named Brady ♪
♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
♪ They were four
men living all together ♪
♪ Yet they were all alone ♪
♪ Till the one day when ♪
♪ The lady met this fellow ♪
♪ And they knew that it was ♪
♪ Much more than a hunch ♪
♪ That this group must ♪
♪ Somehow form a family ♪
♪ That's the way they all ♪
♪ Became the Brady Bunch ♪
♪ The Brady Bunch ♪
♪ The Brady Bunch ♪
♪ That's the way they
became the Brady Bunch. ♪
( pop music blaring)
( music blaring)
( music blaring)
( music blaring)
( screams)
Why don't you knock
before you come in?!
I almost knocked the door down!
You're playing
your records so loud,
you're knocking
plaster off the walls!
All right, what is going...?
( kids shouting)
All right, all right.
What happened up here?
He came into this room
when I was dressing!
He didn't even
knock or anything!
He just barged in.
I did so knock! I
pounded on the door!
What did you want?
To get into the bathroom.
Through the girls' room?
The other door is locked.
They always forget, and
leave it locked on the inside.
So do you guys, and
then we can't get in!
And those girls are
always in the bathroom!
There are three of us.
Well, there are
three of us, too!
And they use our closets!
Girls have more clothes!
Kids, please.
Mom, we need a bigger house.
With another bathroom.
Well, I think the kids
have a point, darling.
I mean, after all, you have
added a wife and three kids,
and you still have the
same number of rooms.
I think these threads are worn.
There are six kids
in two bedrooms.
You know, I may have to
have this thing rethreaded.
And one bathroom.
I paid a lot of
money for these, too.
Mike, you are not
listening to me.
Oh, of course I'm
listening, honey.
I'm a man of many talents.
I can fix andirons and listen
to wives at the same time.
Then what do you think
about a bigger house?
Carol, we've talked
about this before,
and I know we have a problem,
but we've even
looked at other houses.
We could never find one that
we could agree on or afford.
And I think, until we do,
we just can't make a change.
We absolutely can't.
Okay, locked again.
Will you please
unlock this door?
( pounding continues)
Do you know what
I'm going to do?
I'm going to break
this door down.
Dad will kill you.
That'll still leave five kids
and give you a
little extra room.
Marcia, will you
unlock this door?
It's not Marcia, it's Jan,
and I'm doing my hair.
Doing her hair!
To go to bed?!
There are three men waiting
out here to brush their teeth!
Open up! Open up right now!
JAN: No, Greg, no.
Just stay out of here.
( pounding continues)
GREG: Open up!
This larger house we
haven't found or can't afford...
Did you say "absolutely"?
Yes, absolutely.
But not positively.
Well, Alice, the kids do
need more bedrooms,
and you know we
need another bathroom.
The old McIntyre house up
on the hill has lots of rooms.
It's old, but it
could be fixed up.
It's been for sale for years.
I wonder why they've never
been able to sell that house.
For the same reason
the McIntyres moved out:
It's haunted.
Haunted?
Oh, Alice.
No, I knew the cook.
She said a lot of weird
things went on up there.
Voices in the
night, chains rattling,
lights going off and on.
Now, Alice, surely you
don't believe that nonsense.
The cook did. Left
the McIntyres flat.
Now, you know as well as I do
that there's no
such thing as ghosts.
Maybe not, but they were never
able to explain those voices...
eerie voices, calling,
calling, calling.
MIKE: Carol!
Oh, I do wish he
wouldn't do that.
Oh, honey, you scared me.
( laughing)
Oh!
Oh, I'm glad you're home.
Hey, you're going
to be even gladder
when you hear the news.
You remember that old
house in Woodley Hills
we've had our eye on
but hasn't been for sale?
The green one with the gables?
Oh, no. The white
one with the shutters.
Oh, that one.
Yeah, I loved it.
Yeah. It came on the market.
I made an offer this afternoon.
Oh... who's going to dig
the tunnel into the mint?
( chuckling): The
financing's all figured out.
Really? Yeah.
Well, thank goodness
we don't have
to knock off your grandfather.
No, honey. Listen.
It really isn't that much.
Property values
have gone up so much
we ought to make it up in
the profit off of this one, see?
I talked to Bert Grossman,
the real estate broker.
He says no problem.
Y-you're serious
about this. I mean...
Yeah.
This is for real?
Cross my heart, and hope
to make the payments.
Bert's coming over
tonight to sign some papers
about listing this
house "For Sale."
And, besides the extra
room in the other house,
it's going to be a very
exciting experience,
because you're going
to be making new friends,
you're going to be
going to a new school,
and you're going to
be closer to the park.
And the real estate man's
coming to look at
this house tonight.
So, you'd better have
your rooms picked up.
Yeah, okay. What do you say?
New home for the
Brady bunch, huh?
( all cheering)
You think they'll sell
this house right away?
Sure! It's a real nice house.
It gives me a funny feeling
to think of somebody
else in our room...
even though it hasn't
been our room very long.
It does, sort of.
I wonder if it'll miss us.
I feel sorry for it.
Don't. Some nice
girls will move in.
What if it's a mean old man?
I wonder what it'll be like
living in the other house?
That's a dumb question.
Well, we've never lived
anyplace else but here.
It'll be just like this
only better 'cause
there's more rooms.
We've had some fun
times in this house.
Yeah.
Hey, Pete, remember the night
you ran into the bathroom door
and they had to
take four stitches
on your nose?
Yeah. And the
dent's still in the door.
And the time Bobby tried to
climb up the television lead-in.
Yeah, and the antenna came
down and hit me right on the head.
You had a bump on
your head for three weeks.
GREG: Hey, what about the time
I fell off the garage roof...
Right through the top
of Dad's new convertible.
I busted three ribs and
the gear shift handle.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
We've had some good
times in this house.
It's going to be kind of
lonesome without the boys.
Nobody to talk to.
Nobody to fight with.
Nobody even to pound
on the bathroom door.
If you never had
three brothers before,
you'd probably miss them
more when you don't have them
than if you'd had
three brothers before.
What?
She means we'll
feel like orphans.
Orphans don't have
mothers and fathers,
not brothers.
Well, then, what are you
when you don't have brothers?
Lonesome.
You know something?
I really like this house
better than the other one.
We haven't even
seen the new one yet.
Dad says he's going
to have it renovated.
I won't live in a
house that's renovated.
You don't even know
what the word means.
I don't care.
I like it here.
So do I.
It's unanimous.
Good. I know what...
"un-nana-mus" means
even if I can't
pronounce it too good.
( doorbell rings)
Alice, that's Mr. Grossman,
the real estate broker.
Now, when he comes
through, try to look happy.
Happy, not hysterical.
( doorbell rings again)
Honey, does the house
smell like cabbage to you?
No, honey, the
house smells fine.
It looks great.
Hi, Bert, come on in.
Nice to see you.
Hello, Mike, good to see you.
You remember my wife Carol?
Why, sure, nice
to see you again.
Oh, say, this is
a beautiful room, Mrs. Brady.
Thanks.
I'm afraid we're
really going to miss it...
everything.
Well, the other
house is nice, too,
with a lot more space.
I know, Mike's
taken me through it.
Yeah, half a dozen times.
No, it's going to be fine.
What about this house...
Have you talked it over?
Shall I find a buyer?
Yeah, guess so.
Yeah, we're ready to sell, Bert.
And in the other house,
the kitchen is bigger...
And yellow, bright yellow.
How depressing.
Yellow, depressing?
Well, this whole thing
kind of depresses
me, Mrs. Brady.
I got my routine
all worked out here.
I don't know if I'll be able
to function someplace else.
But, Alice, you will
function, won't you?
I mean, just because
we're moving,
you're not going to leave?
Oh. Me, leave the Brady family?
You couldn't get
rid of me if you tried.
I'm a 120-pound boomerang.
120 pound?
Mmm, more or less.
I'm going to take some
cookies in to Mr. Brady
before the kids get
a radar fix on them
and it's good-bye, Charlie.
That's very thoughtful
of you, Alice,
but Mr. Brady isn't
home tonight, remember?
Come to think of it,
there was an empty
place at the dinner table.
You know, he has
meetings in town
almost every night this week.
( eerie moaning)
What was that?
It sounded like a cow
died in the driveway.
( eerie moaning fades)
Now it sounds human...
Like somebody in agony!
Alice, that doesn't sound human.
Oh, no... inhuman?
Alice, that's not what I meant.
Greg's in the next room.
I'm going to ask him
if he heard something.
Mrs. Brady, you forgot
the good-bye Charlies.
( switches TV off)
Hey, what gives?
Greg, Alice and I
were just talking
in the kitchen.
We sure were.
And we heard something.
We sure did.
It was something like a moan.
It sure was.
Did you hear anything?
Nope, I was watching TV.
That's why he didn't
hear it, Mrs. Brady,
that inhuman moaning...
Alice, will you stop that?
( moaning resumes)
( fades)
That's the inhuman moan.
That's Tiger
howling at the moon.
Well, thank goodness
we still have a man
around the house.
( moaning)
( cookies rattling)
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy, Mom!
That terrible noise
woke us up! Oh...
What do you suppose it was?!
( loud creaking)
Or is.
Well, sometimes a loose board
will make a house creak.
You sound just like Daddy.
( creaking)
( door bangs shut)
BOTH: What was that?!
I... bu... he... well
it's probably the wind...
Uh, banging
a-against the shutters.
That'd be a good guess, Mrs.
Brady, if there was a wind...
or we had shutters.
Hey, nice and
steady today, Alice?
Mrs. Brady told me how
upset you were last night.
When I finally got to sleep,
I slept like a rock.
A frightened rock.
Before I got to sleep...
did you hear that
strange creaking?
I certainly did, Alice.
Mike, there's got to
be some explanation
for all these strange sounds.
I haven't heard
any strange sounds.
Yeah, that's right... you
got home after they stopped.
Well, there is an
explanation, all right:
The ghost in the McIntyre
house has got tired of living alone
and moved in where
there's more action.
Oh, Alice, even if you're
joking, that's absurd.
Well, if I'm not
joking, it's not absurd.
You should have heard
those kids this morning
before they left for school.
They were as scared as I was.
Every house
settles a little bit,
especially after
the rainy season.
These odd little
noises you heard
are probably just that.
You and I certainly
have a different opinion
of what are odd little
noises, Mr. Brady.
Mike, when a house is settling,
does it kind of, uh, uh...
moan and-and-and rattle?
Moan and rattle?!
Well... every house
has a distinctive way
of settling, honey, yeah.
All I got to say is I sure
hope our new house
is settled finally
before we get there.
Oh, no... Now what? Now what?
Th-Th-The light in the oven.
It's blinking something
in Morse code.
I'll-I'll-I'll bet the
word is "trouble."
I'll bet the word's
"defective switch."
I'll check it later.
How about sooner?
There's something about
an oven winking at me
that gives me the creeps.
Mr. Brady, I sure wish you
were going to be here tonight
to hear some of those
strange little noises for yourself.
I wish I was, too.
But it's simpler to meet
these new clients downtown.
Well, listen, my friend,
if we hear any more
of those strange noises,
you are going to get an
emergency phone call.
( Western playing on TV)
Boy, did that sheriff have guts.
Yea, most sheriffs do.
You really got to have them
to live around here anymore.
All those icky noises.
( metallic banging)
That wasn't an icky noise.
That was a crash.
( metallic banging)
And that was another.
Peter, go on out on the patio
and have a look around
and see what happened.
Me?
Yeah, you're one of
the men in this family.
I'm only the middle boy.
Okay, I'll go look.
Not alone, Alice,
I'll go with you.
Attaboy.
( clicks TV off)
I thought Alice was
in here with you.
She's out on the
patio with Peter.
There was a terrible
noise outside, Mom.
It sounded like a knight
in shining armor fell down.
( sighs)
Alice... ( shrieks)
Mrs. Brady... Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to frighten you.
Is the McIntyre banshee
on the loose again?
There's something out here, Mom.
Three very definite crashes.
I'll say there were.
Greg was helping me
with that flat tire on my bike
when we heard them.
Maybe Tiger's wrestling with
those garbage cans again.
Oh, it can't be.
Tiger's sleeping in
the house tonight.
In the house? Why?
He was getting spooked
by all those funny noises.
Just like everybody else.
After all, he's only human.
( metallic crashing)
BOTH: Four!
I think we'd better
take another look around.
All of us?
There's safety in numbers.
Come on, Alice.
( crickets chirping)
Listen, I think the
only thing out here
are four very
vivid imaginations.
With good ears.
Remember what
you told Mr. Brady?
If we heard any
strange sounds tonight,
he was going to get
an emergency call?
Alice... you have
just read my mind.
Darling, I told you,
there is no possible way
that I could keep the
house from settling.
No, honey, look, just relax.
Now, my client is a little late,
but I'll be home
as soon as I can.
Okay, honey.
Okay. Good-bye.
Bye.
What did he say?
He said for us to relax.
Now, Alice, you go on to bed.
You were up late last night,
and besides, all the
kids are tucked in.
Well, what about you?
Well, I'll just go sit
until Mr. Brady comes home.
Well, I'll keep you company.
Alice... I'm a big girl,
and I'm well able to
take care of myself.
Now, you go on to bed.
Scram. Get some shut-eye, shoo.
( mysterious creaking, groaning)
Well, it looks like...
here we go again.
If this house is settling
like Mr. Brady says,
it's certainly settling
for a long stay.
( doorbell ringing)
I'll get it, honey.
Hi, Bert, come on in.
What's the good word?
Well, the good word is good.
I may have a buyer for you.
Hey! Make any difference to him
if the house moans
and groans and creaks
and has unexplained
slamming doors?
Do you mean to tell
me that this house
you built and bragged
about for so long
is beginning to
shiver its timbers?
No, no, all highly
exaggerated, Bert.
The family thinks it's haunted.
( wearily): That's marvelous.
Oh, don't worry about it.
Listen, when the man
of the house is gone,
as I have been for
the past few evenings,
I'll tell you, two
women and six kids
can hear every
noise in the world
that never existed.
Oh, I am relieved.
I mean, haunted houses
just aren't selling
very well these days.
Bert, the only thing
that's haunting this house
is the last rainy season.
You mean it leaks?
No, no, no, it's
just settling a little.
You know, creaking.
Like every other house
in the neighborhood.
Bert, there's not a
crack in this plaster.
Well, that's good, because
my one client, Mrs. Hunsaker,
who liked the house
from the outside,
would like to drop
by this evening
and take a look at the inside.
And I would like them both
to be together
when she sees them.
Don't worry, Bert, they will be.
Good. Well, I'll be back
with her then about 8:00.
Well, I'll try to
be here then, too.
This is the last evening I have
to work downtown for awhile,
but Carol will be
here, of course.
All right. Well, then
I'll see you then.
Okey-doke.
Bye, Bert.
BERT: Bye.
All right.
Now, you've all
heard Peter's report.
Tonight is really the night.
Mr. Grossman will be
here with his client at 8:00.
I'll handle the tape recorder
and play the tape with
the unexplained noises.
Peter... you're in charge
of white sheets and
ghostly appearances.
Jan, you're on slamming
doors and windows.
And Marcia, on outside crashes.
What about me and Cindy?
You did a great job
of acting scared last
night with Mom and Alice.
Report to Peter
for spectral duty.
What does that mean?
Peter will explain it to you.
If you'll explain it to me.
It's ghosts, ghosts.
Do you really think we
should do it anymore?
I mean, Mom and Dad really
want to sell the house now.
And it's because
of us, isn't it?
And we're still us, aren't we?
My, it is attractive, isn't it?
A quality house all the
way through, Mrs. Hunsaker.
Yes, I can see that.
Oh, I love that staircase.
And there's a marvelous
place for my grand piano.
Of course, I'll want
Mr. Hunsaker to...
( spooky moaning)
What in the world was that?
Oh, maybe some wind
through the willow grove.
( crashing and clattering)
That was no wind
through a willow grove.
Would you believe
steeple chimes?
Well, at least you'll
always be able
to tell what time it is.
( spooky moaning)
( metallic clanking)
( crashing)
Explain that, Mr. Grossman.
All houses settle a
little, Mrs. Hunsaker.
You know, my husband,
Mr. Brady, he's an architect,
and he's always telling
me that houses do settle
just a little bit.
Now, look...
ghost-begone
anti-witchcraft charm,
if you ever worked, work now.
Oh, Mike, thank
goodness you're home.
Mrs. Hunsaker,
this is my husband, Mr. Brady.
Mrs. Hunsaker; hi, Bert.
Well, have you
had the royal tour?
Well, what I haven't
seen, I've heard, Mr. Brady.
( screaming)
That was no house settling.
Believe me, Mrs. Hunsaker,
there's a rational explanation
for all these noises you
apparently heard this evening.
There is?
Oh, I... yes, there is.
That sounded like
Alice, our housekeeper.
She probably saw...
a mouse or something.
Not a mouse, Mr. Brady.
There are no mice in
this house, Mrs. Hunsaker.
Excuse me, while I
catch some ghosts.
Just a second.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, Mom.
Well, I might have known.
I must say, you people
celebrate Halloween
at a strange time of year.
Mrs. Hunsaker, Mr. Grossman...
these are our two
youngest ghosts.
Cindy and Bobby.
What are you two doing?
Listen, what's behind all this?
Hi... I guess I'm the
head ghost leader.
Mrs. Hunsaker, this
is our oldest son, Greg.
Who has a little
explaining to do.
You're not going to like it.
That's right, I'm not.
Explain anyway.
When we found out
haunted houses
weren't selling so good,
we decided to haunt this one.
To, um, frighten off
prospective buyers?
Yes, ma'am.
Well, of all the...
No. I think it's lovely.
And very touching.
Children who love
their home so much
they'd go to such
lengths to protect it...
You're very understanding,
Mrs. Hunsaker.
Oh, my dear, I
raised my own family.
Mr. Grossman, I strongly suspect
this house is no
longer for sale.
Did you hear that,
all you other ghosts?
The house is no longer for sale.
( kids cheering)
Oh, great.
Way to go!
Who put the holes in the sheets?
( sighs)
Oh, num-num.
It certainly is quiet and
peaceful now, isn't it?
Nothing like putting
six spooks to bed
to calm a place down.
Hey, I just talked
to Bert Grossman.
You know he took
Mrs. Hunsaker over
to the other house
after they left here.
They're going back
tomorrow with her husband.
She loves it.
Oh, honey, that's great.
I'm glad everything
worked out so well.
Those kids...
Can you imagine them
going to all that trouble...
Haunting the house?
They had you going
for awhile there, honey.
Oh, they did not.
Oh, Mike, don't be silly.
Yeah, they did, come on.
You know I don't believe
in witches and ghosts
and all that nonsense.
( strange creaking)
What was that?
I didn't hear a thing.
( creaking continues)
There. I didn't
hear a thing again.
Don't worry, honey.
That was the house settling.
Oh!
♪ Of a lovely lady ♪
♪ Who was bringing up ♪
♪ Three very lovely girls ♪
♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪
♪ Like their mother ♪
♪ The youngest one in curls ♪
♪ It's the story of a
man named Brady ♪
♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
♪ They were four
men living all together ♪
♪ Yet they were all alone ♪
♪ Till the one day when ♪
♪ The lady met this fellow ♪
♪ And they knew that it was ♪
♪ Much more than a hunch ♪
♪ That this group must ♪
♪ Somehow form a family ♪
♪ That's the way they all ♪
♪ Became the Brady Bunch ♪
♪ The Brady Bunch ♪
♪ The Brady Bunch ♪
♪ That's the way they
became the Brady Bunch. ♪
( pop music blaring)
( music blaring)
( music blaring)
( music blaring)
( screams)
Why don't you knock
before you come in?!
I almost knocked the door down!
You're playing
your records so loud,
you're knocking
plaster off the walls!
All right, what is going...?
( kids shouting)
All right, all right.
What happened up here?
He came into this room
when I was dressing!
He didn't even
knock or anything!
He just barged in.
I did so knock! I
pounded on the door!
What did you want?
To get into the bathroom.
Through the girls' room?
The other door is locked.
They always forget, and
leave it locked on the inside.
So do you guys, and
then we can't get in!
And those girls are
always in the bathroom!
There are three of us.
Well, there are
three of us, too!
And they use our closets!
Girls have more clothes!
Kids, please.
Mom, we need a bigger house.
With another bathroom.
Well, I think the kids
have a point, darling.
I mean, after all, you have
added a wife and three kids,
and you still have the
same number of rooms.
I think these threads are worn.
There are six kids
in two bedrooms.
You know, I may have to
have this thing rethreaded.
And one bathroom.
I paid a lot of
money for these, too.
Mike, you are not
listening to me.
Oh, of course I'm
listening, honey.
I'm a man of many talents.
I can fix andirons and listen
to wives at the same time.
Then what do you think
about a bigger house?
Carol, we've talked
about this before,
and I know we have a problem,
but we've even
looked at other houses.
We could never find one that
we could agree on or afford.
And I think, until we do,
we just can't make a change.
We absolutely can't.
Okay, locked again.
Will you please
unlock this door?
( pounding continues)
Do you know what
I'm going to do?
I'm going to break
this door down.
Dad will kill you.
That'll still leave five kids
and give you a
little extra room.
Marcia, will you
unlock this door?
It's not Marcia, it's Jan,
and I'm doing my hair.
Doing her hair!
To go to bed?!
There are three men waiting
out here to brush their teeth!
Open up! Open up right now!
JAN: No, Greg, no.
Just stay out of here.
( pounding continues)
GREG: Open up!
This larger house we
haven't found or can't afford...
Did you say "absolutely"?
Yes, absolutely.
But not positively.
Well, Alice, the kids do
need more bedrooms,
and you know we
need another bathroom.
The old McIntyre house up
on the hill has lots of rooms.
It's old, but it
could be fixed up.
It's been for sale for years.
I wonder why they've never
been able to sell that house.
For the same reason
the McIntyres moved out:
It's haunted.
Haunted?
Oh, Alice.
No, I knew the cook.
She said a lot of weird
things went on up there.
Voices in the
night, chains rattling,
lights going off and on.
Now, Alice, surely you
don't believe that nonsense.
The cook did. Left
the McIntyres flat.
Now, you know as well as I do
that there's no
such thing as ghosts.
Maybe not, but they were never
able to explain those voices...
eerie voices, calling,
calling, calling.
MIKE: Carol!
Oh, I do wish he
wouldn't do that.
Oh, honey, you scared me.
( laughing)
Oh!
Oh, I'm glad you're home.
Hey, you're going
to be even gladder
when you hear the news.
You remember that old
house in Woodley Hills
we've had our eye on
but hasn't been for sale?
The green one with the gables?
Oh, no. The white
one with the shutters.
Oh, that one.
Yeah, I loved it.
Yeah. It came on the market.
I made an offer this afternoon.
Oh... who's going to dig
the tunnel into the mint?
( chuckling): The
financing's all figured out.
Really? Yeah.
Well, thank goodness
we don't have
to knock off your grandfather.
No, honey. Listen.
It really isn't that much.
Property values
have gone up so much
we ought to make it up in
the profit off of this one, see?
I talked to Bert Grossman,
the real estate broker.
He says no problem.
Y-you're serious
about this. I mean...
Yeah.
This is for real?
Cross my heart, and hope
to make the payments.
Bert's coming over
tonight to sign some papers
about listing this
house "For Sale."
And, besides the extra
room in the other house,
it's going to be a very
exciting experience,
because you're going
to be making new friends,
you're going to be
going to a new school,
and you're going to
be closer to the park.
And the real estate man's
coming to look at
this house tonight.
So, you'd better have
your rooms picked up.
Yeah, okay. What do you say?
New home for the
Brady bunch, huh?
( all cheering)
You think they'll sell
this house right away?
Sure! It's a real nice house.
It gives me a funny feeling
to think of somebody
else in our room...
even though it hasn't
been our room very long.
It does, sort of.
I wonder if it'll miss us.
I feel sorry for it.
Don't. Some nice
girls will move in.
What if it's a mean old man?
I wonder what it'll be like
living in the other house?
That's a dumb question.
Well, we've never lived
anyplace else but here.
It'll be just like this
only better 'cause
there's more rooms.
We've had some fun
times in this house.
Yeah.
Hey, Pete, remember the night
you ran into the bathroom door
and they had to
take four stitches
on your nose?
Yeah. And the
dent's still in the door.
And the time Bobby tried to
climb up the television lead-in.
Yeah, and the antenna came
down and hit me right on the head.
You had a bump on
your head for three weeks.
GREG: Hey, what about the time
I fell off the garage roof...
Right through the top
of Dad's new convertible.
I busted three ribs and
the gear shift handle.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
We've had some good
times in this house.
It's going to be kind of
lonesome without the boys.
Nobody to talk to.
Nobody to fight with.
Nobody even to pound
on the bathroom door.
If you never had
three brothers before,
you'd probably miss them
more when you don't have them
than if you'd had
three brothers before.
What?
She means we'll
feel like orphans.
Orphans don't have
mothers and fathers,
not brothers.
Well, then, what are you
when you don't have brothers?
Lonesome.
You know something?
I really like this house
better than the other one.
We haven't even
seen the new one yet.
Dad says he's going
to have it renovated.
I won't live in a
house that's renovated.
You don't even know
what the word means.
I don't care.
I like it here.
So do I.
It's unanimous.
Good. I know what...
"un-nana-mus" means
even if I can't
pronounce it too good.
( doorbell rings)
Alice, that's Mr. Grossman,
the real estate broker.
Now, when he comes
through, try to look happy.
Happy, not hysterical.
( doorbell rings again)
Honey, does the house
smell like cabbage to you?
No, honey, the
house smells fine.
It looks great.
Hi, Bert, come on in.
Nice to see you.
Hello, Mike, good to see you.
You remember my wife Carol?
Why, sure, nice
to see you again.
Oh, say, this is
a beautiful room, Mrs. Brady.
Thanks.
I'm afraid we're
really going to miss it...
everything.
Well, the other
house is nice, too,
with a lot more space.
I know, Mike's
taken me through it.
Yeah, half a dozen times.
No, it's going to be fine.
What about this house...
Have you talked it over?
Shall I find a buyer?
Yeah, guess so.
Yeah, we're ready to sell, Bert.
And in the other house,
the kitchen is bigger...
And yellow, bright yellow.
How depressing.
Yellow, depressing?
Well, this whole thing
kind of depresses
me, Mrs. Brady.
I got my routine
all worked out here.
I don't know if I'll be able
to function someplace else.
But, Alice, you will
function, won't you?
I mean, just because
we're moving,
you're not going to leave?
Oh. Me, leave the Brady family?
You couldn't get
rid of me if you tried.
I'm a 120-pound boomerang.
120 pound?
Mmm, more or less.
I'm going to take some
cookies in to Mr. Brady
before the kids get
a radar fix on them
and it's good-bye, Charlie.
That's very thoughtful
of you, Alice,
but Mr. Brady isn't
home tonight, remember?
Come to think of it,
there was an empty
place at the dinner table.
You know, he has
meetings in town
almost every night this week.
( eerie moaning)
What was that?
It sounded like a cow
died in the driveway.
( eerie moaning fades)
Now it sounds human...
Like somebody in agony!
Alice, that doesn't sound human.
Oh, no... inhuman?
Alice, that's not what I meant.
Greg's in the next room.
I'm going to ask him
if he heard something.
Mrs. Brady, you forgot
the good-bye Charlies.
( switches TV off)
Hey, what gives?
Greg, Alice and I
were just talking
in the kitchen.
We sure were.
And we heard something.
We sure did.
It was something like a moan.
It sure was.
Did you hear anything?
Nope, I was watching TV.
That's why he didn't
hear it, Mrs. Brady,
that inhuman moaning...
Alice, will you stop that?
( moaning resumes)
( fades)
That's the inhuman moan.
That's Tiger
howling at the moon.
Well, thank goodness
we still have a man
around the house.
( moaning)
( cookies rattling)
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy, Mom!
That terrible noise
woke us up! Oh...
What do you suppose it was?!
( loud creaking)
Or is.
Well, sometimes a loose board
will make a house creak.
You sound just like Daddy.
( creaking)
( door bangs shut)
BOTH: What was that?!
I... bu... he... well
it's probably the wind...
Uh, banging
a-against the shutters.
That'd be a good guess, Mrs.
Brady, if there was a wind...
or we had shutters.
Hey, nice and
steady today, Alice?
Mrs. Brady told me how
upset you were last night.
When I finally got to sleep,
I slept like a rock.
A frightened rock.
Before I got to sleep...
did you hear that
strange creaking?
I certainly did, Alice.
Mike, there's got to
be some explanation
for all these strange sounds.
I haven't heard
any strange sounds.
Yeah, that's right... you
got home after they stopped.
Well, there is an
explanation, all right:
The ghost in the McIntyre
house has got tired of living alone
and moved in where
there's more action.
Oh, Alice, even if you're
joking, that's absurd.
Well, if I'm not
joking, it's not absurd.
You should have heard
those kids this morning
before they left for school.
They were as scared as I was.
Every house
settles a little bit,
especially after
the rainy season.
These odd little
noises you heard
are probably just that.
You and I certainly
have a different opinion
of what are odd little
noises, Mr. Brady.
Mike, when a house is settling,
does it kind of, uh, uh...
moan and-and-and rattle?
Moan and rattle?!
Well... every house
has a distinctive way
of settling, honey, yeah.
All I got to say is I sure
hope our new house
is settled finally
before we get there.
Oh, no... Now what? Now what?
Th-Th-The light in the oven.
It's blinking something
in Morse code.
I'll-I'll-I'll bet the
word is "trouble."
I'll bet the word's
"defective switch."
I'll check it later.
How about sooner?
There's something about
an oven winking at me
that gives me the creeps.
Mr. Brady, I sure wish you
were going to be here tonight
to hear some of those
strange little noises for yourself.
I wish I was, too.
But it's simpler to meet
these new clients downtown.
Well, listen, my friend,
if we hear any more
of those strange noises,
you are going to get an
emergency phone call.
( Western playing on TV)
Boy, did that sheriff have guts.
Yea, most sheriffs do.
You really got to have them
to live around here anymore.
All those icky noises.
( metallic banging)
That wasn't an icky noise.
That was a crash.
( metallic banging)
And that was another.
Peter, go on out on the patio
and have a look around
and see what happened.
Me?
Yeah, you're one of
the men in this family.
I'm only the middle boy.
Okay, I'll go look.
Not alone, Alice,
I'll go with you.
Attaboy.
( clicks TV off)
I thought Alice was
in here with you.
She's out on the
patio with Peter.
There was a terrible
noise outside, Mom.
It sounded like a knight
in shining armor fell down.
( sighs)
Alice... ( shrieks)
Mrs. Brady... Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to frighten you.
Is the McIntyre banshee
on the loose again?
There's something out here, Mom.
Three very definite crashes.
I'll say there were.
Greg was helping me
with that flat tire on my bike
when we heard them.
Maybe Tiger's wrestling with
those garbage cans again.
Oh, it can't be.
Tiger's sleeping in
the house tonight.
In the house? Why?
He was getting spooked
by all those funny noises.
Just like everybody else.
After all, he's only human.
( metallic crashing)
BOTH: Four!
I think we'd better
take another look around.
All of us?
There's safety in numbers.
Come on, Alice.
( crickets chirping)
Listen, I think the
only thing out here
are four very
vivid imaginations.
With good ears.
Remember what
you told Mr. Brady?
If we heard any
strange sounds tonight,
he was going to get
an emergency call?
Alice... you have
just read my mind.
Darling, I told you,
there is no possible way
that I could keep the
house from settling.
No, honey, look, just relax.
Now, my client is a little late,
but I'll be home
as soon as I can.
Okay, honey.
Okay. Good-bye.
Bye.
What did he say?
He said for us to relax.
Now, Alice, you go on to bed.
You were up late last night,
and besides, all the
kids are tucked in.
Well, what about you?
Well, I'll just go sit
until Mr. Brady comes home.
Well, I'll keep you company.
Alice... I'm a big girl,
and I'm well able to
take care of myself.
Now, you go on to bed.
Scram. Get some shut-eye, shoo.
( mysterious creaking, groaning)
Well, it looks like...
here we go again.
If this house is settling
like Mr. Brady says,
it's certainly settling
for a long stay.
( doorbell ringing)
I'll get it, honey.
Hi, Bert, come on in.
What's the good word?
Well, the good word is good.
I may have a buyer for you.
Hey! Make any difference to him
if the house moans
and groans and creaks
and has unexplained
slamming doors?
Do you mean to tell
me that this house
you built and bragged
about for so long
is beginning to
shiver its timbers?
No, no, all highly
exaggerated, Bert.
The family thinks it's haunted.
( wearily): That's marvelous.
Oh, don't worry about it.
Listen, when the man
of the house is gone,
as I have been for
the past few evenings,
I'll tell you, two
women and six kids
can hear every
noise in the world
that never existed.
Oh, I am relieved.
I mean, haunted houses
just aren't selling
very well these days.
Bert, the only thing
that's haunting this house
is the last rainy season.
You mean it leaks?
No, no, no, it's
just settling a little.
You know, creaking.
Like every other house
in the neighborhood.
Bert, there's not a
crack in this plaster.
Well, that's good, because
my one client, Mrs. Hunsaker,
who liked the house
from the outside,
would like to drop
by this evening
and take a look at the inside.
And I would like them both
to be together
when she sees them.
Don't worry, Bert, they will be.
Good. Well, I'll be back
with her then about 8:00.
Well, I'll try to
be here then, too.
This is the last evening I have
to work downtown for awhile,
but Carol will be
here, of course.
All right. Well, then
I'll see you then.
Okey-doke.
Bye, Bert.
BERT: Bye.
All right.
Now, you've all
heard Peter's report.
Tonight is really the night.
Mr. Grossman will be
here with his client at 8:00.
I'll handle the tape recorder
and play the tape with
the unexplained noises.
Peter... you're in charge
of white sheets and
ghostly appearances.
Jan, you're on slamming
doors and windows.
And Marcia, on outside crashes.
What about me and Cindy?
You did a great job
of acting scared last
night with Mom and Alice.
Report to Peter
for spectral duty.
What does that mean?
Peter will explain it to you.
If you'll explain it to me.
It's ghosts, ghosts.
Do you really think we
should do it anymore?
I mean, Mom and Dad really
want to sell the house now.
And it's because
of us, isn't it?
And we're still us, aren't we?
My, it is attractive, isn't it?
A quality house all the
way through, Mrs. Hunsaker.
Yes, I can see that.
Oh, I love that staircase.
And there's a marvelous
place for my grand piano.
Of course, I'll want
Mr. Hunsaker to...
( spooky moaning)
What in the world was that?
Oh, maybe some wind
through the willow grove.
( crashing and clattering)
That was no wind
through a willow grove.
Would you believe
steeple chimes?
Well, at least you'll
always be able
to tell what time it is.
( spooky moaning)
( metallic clanking)
( crashing)
Explain that, Mr. Grossman.
All houses settle a
little, Mrs. Hunsaker.
You know, my husband,
Mr. Brady, he's an architect,
and he's always telling
me that houses do settle
just a little bit.
Now, look...
ghost-begone
anti-witchcraft charm,
if you ever worked, work now.
Oh, Mike, thank
goodness you're home.
Mrs. Hunsaker,
this is my husband, Mr. Brady.
Mrs. Hunsaker; hi, Bert.
Well, have you
had the royal tour?
Well, what I haven't
seen, I've heard, Mr. Brady.
( screaming)
That was no house settling.
Believe me, Mrs. Hunsaker,
there's a rational explanation
for all these noises you
apparently heard this evening.
There is?
Oh, I... yes, there is.
That sounded like
Alice, our housekeeper.
She probably saw...
a mouse or something.
Not a mouse, Mr. Brady.
There are no mice in
this house, Mrs. Hunsaker.
Excuse me, while I
catch some ghosts.
Just a second.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, Mom.
Well, I might have known.
I must say, you people
celebrate Halloween
at a strange time of year.
Mrs. Hunsaker, Mr. Grossman...
these are our two
youngest ghosts.
Cindy and Bobby.
What are you two doing?
Listen, what's behind all this?
Hi... I guess I'm the
head ghost leader.
Mrs. Hunsaker, this
is our oldest son, Greg.
Who has a little
explaining to do.
You're not going to like it.
That's right, I'm not.
Explain anyway.
When we found out
haunted houses
weren't selling so good,
we decided to haunt this one.
To, um, frighten off
prospective buyers?
Yes, ma'am.
Well, of all the...
No. I think it's lovely.
And very touching.
Children who love
their home so much
they'd go to such
lengths to protect it...
You're very understanding,
Mrs. Hunsaker.
Oh, my dear, I
raised my own family.
Mr. Grossman, I strongly suspect
this house is no
longer for sale.
Did you hear that,
all you other ghosts?
The house is no longer for sale.
( kids cheering)
Oh, great.
Way to go!
Who put the holes in the sheets?
( sighs)
Oh, num-num.
It certainly is quiet and
peaceful now, isn't it?
Nothing like putting
six spooks to bed
to calm a place down.
Hey, I just talked
to Bert Grossman.
You know he took
Mrs. Hunsaker over
to the other house
after they left here.
They're going back
tomorrow with her husband.
She loves it.
Oh, honey, that's great.
I'm glad everything
worked out so well.
Those kids...
Can you imagine them
going to all that trouble...
Haunting the house?
They had you going
for awhile there, honey.
Oh, they did not.
Oh, Mike, don't be silly.
Yeah, they did, come on.
You know I don't believe
in witches and ghosts
and all that nonsense.
( strange creaking)
What was that?
I didn't hear a thing.
( creaking continues)
There. I didn't
hear a thing again.
Don't worry, honey.
That was the house settling.
Oh!