The Brady Bunch (1969–1974): Season 1, Episode 16 - Mike's Horror-Scope - full transcript

♪ Here's the story ♪

♪ Of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was bringing up ♪

♪ Three very lovely girls ♪

♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪

♪ Like their mother ♪

♪ The youngest one in curls ♪

♪ It's the story of a
man named Brady ♪

♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪

♪ They were four
men living all together ♪

♪ Yet they were all alone ♪



♪ Till the one day when ♪

♪ The lady met this fellow ♪

♪ And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪

♪ That this group ♪

♪ Must somehow form a family ♪

♪ That's the way they all
became the Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ That's the way they
became the Brady Bunch. ♪

What are you looking for?

The astrology forecast.

Astrology?

Well, Martha swears by it.

She calls me up every morning



to see if I'm
following what it says.

I've got a flash for you.

Your friend
Martha's a fruitcake.

( chuckling): Agreed.

Ah, here it is.

My chart for tomorrow.

( chuckling)

What's it say?

"Beware of purchases tomorrow.

Don't buy anything at all."

Hey, now, that's the kind of
astrology that makes sense.

Let me look at mine.

No, I knew I shouldn't
have read that out loud.

I need new shoes.

( clearing throat)

( laughing)

What's so funny?

You think your
horoscope was something?

Get a load of mine.

"A strange woman will
soon come into your life."

Oh, where does it say that?

Where? Right there.

How about that.

Yeah. How about that.

I can hardly wait till tomorrow.

( chuckling)

Good night, honey.

( humming)

Oh, wow.

That is not just a
cake, Mrs. Brady.

That is a thing of
beauty, a joy to behold.

Mmm. Thanks, Alice.

Wait till you taste it tonight.

No, thanks. Not at those prices.

What prices?

I'll bet every bite will
cost a thousand calories,

and I know just
where they'll go.

Here and here.

Alice is a member
of the hip generation.

And speaking of hips,

get a load of Greg's blue jeans.

See-through jeans.

But don't tell Greg that.

He'll start a new
fad in junior high.

I think I'll take
the kids shopping

for some new clothes tomorrow.

Well, you'd better make
that today, Mrs. Brady.

Tomorrow the boys are going

on an all-day fishing
trip with Mr. Brady.

You're taking the
girls horseback riding.

Right. Well, I suppose I could
take them after school today.

But don't tell my
friend Martha Sheldon.

Martha Sheldon?

Well, you know how
hooked she is on astrology.

And she insists that
I follow my forecast.

And my chart said,
don't buy anything today.

Isn't that silly?

A grown woman believing
in that astrology nonsense.

Hmm. Alice, what did
your horoscope say today?

Oh, mine said today was
great for social activities...

Mrs. Brady, that's dirty pool.

I'm going to go round up

some more bottomless
britches and things.

( phone ringing)

Hello.

Mike. Hi, honey.

2:00, and all's well

and no strange women
have come into my life yet.

Well, if they do, will you
please inform me immediately?

Oh, I will, I promise.

The moment one walks
in, you'll be the first to know.

Mr. Brady?

CAROL: Mike?

Yes, that's me.
I... I'm Mike Brady.

What's that, dear?
Did you say something?

CAROL: Hello?

( with accent): Please,
darling, finish your call.

Honey, I'll call you back.

A client just, uh,
just walked in.

All right, dear, but...
( click, dial tone)

How do you do?

Please, do sit down.

I would introduce myself,

but everyone knows
who Beebe Gallini is.

Even people on the street
come up to me and say,

"It's Beebe."

And I always say to
them, "Hello, my dahling."

This is Dwayne, my secretary.

Oh, uh, how do you do, Mr...?

Not necessary.

Please sit down.

Darling,

you are going to
design my new factory,

and it will... Factory?

Please, not interrupt.

It's not nice.

I have just finished
arrangements

with the president
of your company

to build a beautiful new factory

for the Beebe Gallini
Cosmetics Company.

You want me to
design your factory?

Please wait. Don't interrupt.

You're just like my
second husband.

Or was it my third?

Your fourth.

Oh. I knew it was one of them.

Miss Gallini... Beebe.

Everyone calls me Beebe.

People who have never even
heard of me call me Beebe.

Beebe, I'm very flattered.

Oh, no false modesty.

I do not believe
in false modesty.

I am beautiful, so I
say I am beautiful.

You are talented, no?

Well, um... Uh...
uh... yes. I... Good.

That is what the people tell me.

That is why you must
design my new factory,

and I give you complete freedom.

Design, design, design.

Anything you want.

Anything?

Yes, only one thing that I ask

is that it should be pink.

Pink factory.

Beebe Pink.

That is what I call my cosmetics

because I am pink.

You see the pink?

Yes.

Let your imagination run wild.

Create whatever you wish.

But make it pink.

Yes.

My phone number.

My personal private
phone number.

Give it to him.

Oh, thank you.

I will see you soon, no?

Uh, no. Yes.

Oh, uh...

Hurry, dahling.

We cannot keep
the jeweler waiting.

I promised him faithfully
I'd be there yesterday.

Thanks for helping
me tonight, dear.

No. It's my
pleasure, sweetheart.

You know, when Alice asked
me if she could leave early

so she could to the movies
with her boyfriend Sam,

how could I refuse?

Hmm?

Oh. Well, you have a soft heart.

Lips to match.

My goodness.

Aren't we affectionate tonight?

Well, not just
tonight, every night,

'cause I love you, dahling.

Sweetheart.

And I love you, too, darling.

But what's up?

Hmm? What what's up?

Well, ever since you got home,

you seem... preoccupied.

Preoccupied?

Oh, don't be silly, honey.

It's just... well...
preoccupation.

Preoccupation.

Yeah.

I got this new client today

and I have to design a factory.

And it's sort of
a special factory

and it takes a lot of thought.

What kind of special factory?

Well, the client is very
eccentric, and, uh...

Eccentric?

Yeah.

Could you say, uh, strange?

Yeah. You could sure
say "strange," all right.

Could you say "strange woman"?

Yeah, yeah, she's a... a woman.

Aha, then a strange woman
did enter your life today.

Oh, that astrology nonsense?

Yeah, that astrology nonsense.

Yeah, it's silly and
stupid and foolish.

And what kind of strange woman?

Oh, honey,

when a client
walks into my office

with an offer to
design a factory

that's worth a
whole lot of money,

it doesn't make any difference

whether it's a man or a woman,

even if it is Beebe Gallini.

Beebe Gallini?

Is she the strange woman
who came into your life?

She didn't come into my life,

she came into
my office, that's all.

That's enough.

They say no man can resist her.

Well, I can resist her.

Are you sure?

I am absolutely positive.

Oh... oh, Mike! Oh!

( cracking)

I think that's plenty
of food, Mr. Brady.

Mm, I don't know, Alice.

Four fishermen get
mighty hungry, you know.

That's right. A couple
of hours out on that water

makes them awful hungry.

Makes me awful seasick.

Isn't it funny how
some people get seasick

and some people don't.

I think I'm allergic to waves.

Even when I take a bath,

I have to be careful not
to move around too much.

I'll hurry the boys up.

( phone ringing)

I'll get it.

Hello.

Yes, this is the
Brady residence.

One moment, please.

I'll get him.

It's someone who
calls me "dahling"

and "vants" to speak to you.

Hello, Miss Gallini.

Beebe.

( whispering): Beebe?!

This afternoon?

But... Yeah, but...

I was going fishing today and...

Yes, I know you have a
contract with my firm, but...

I promised my boys that I was...

All right.

Yeah. No. All
right, I'll be there.

Bye.

You'll be where?

Oh, Beebe wants to see me again.

She's got some new
ideas for her factory.

But it's Saturday,

and the boys have
been looking forward

to that fishing trip.

Oh, I know.

Hey, maybe Alice could go.

She can't. She gets seasick.

Wait.

I've got it.

I'll take the boys fishing

and Alice can
take the girls riding.

Okay? Problem solved.

Hey, you're an
angel, you know that?

I thought you...

Yeah, I know what you thought.

You thought I was
going to be jealous.

Yeah, yeah.

Just because she's rich
and famous and beautiful

and I must be
some kind of a nut.

No. You're a
wonderful kind of nut.

( Alice groaning)

Oh... aah... aah... Oh, kids...

Sit down and rest, Alice.

I'm not sure I can sit.

( grunting and groaning)

Ahh!

Ah... Oh, that was
one rotten horse I had.

I like him.

I ride him all the time.

Well, I'm never
gonna ride him again

after the way he threw me.

Rotten horse.

It wasn't a horse.

It was a pony.

Well, when it grows up,

it's gonna be a rotten horse.

Ponies don't grow up.

They just get older.

That's what I need,
then, is an old pony.

Next time we go riding,

we're gonna go
to a different place.

There's one on Riverside
Avenue right next to Maple Street.

That's a merry-go-round.

You'd better believe it.

CAROL: Oh, fellas... ( groaning)

You'll be okay, Mom.

Oh, boys, you're
rocking the boat.

Stop weaving.

Mrs. Brady, what happened?

Oh, I got seasick and...
and sunburned and...

and then I got caught on
somebody else's line and...

and then I fell
into a pile of fish.

No wonder you smell
like tuna, Mrs. Brady.

I wouldn't gloat if
I were you, Alice.

You smell a little
bit like man o' war.

Oh, will somebody please
stop rocking this house?

Oh, I think I'd better
go straight up to bed.

Don't you want any dinner?

Dinner?

Alice... please, don't
even mention food.

Hi, honey.

You still up, sweetheart?

That's funny.

What's funny?

I smell fish.

Well, I can't help it.

I've already taken
three showers.

I smell pink.

Yeah, well, you
can smell pink, too.

Beebe gave me some samples.

Samples of what?

Her cosmetics.

Her apartment's full of them.

Her apartment?

Yeah. She uses it as an office.

She hates her factory,
and she won't work in it,

so that's why I'm designing

a new factory. Hmm...

Hey, hey, hey, where's
that angel of a wife

I left this morning?

She went fishing and she
got seasick and sunburned

and caught on
someone else's hook

and fell in a pile of fish.

You had a rough
day on the boat, huh?

Mmm.

Honey, why don't you use
some of Beebe's cologne?

There's a whole
box of it over there.

I'd rather smell like fish.

Oh, excuse me.

Michael, dahling.

My sketches.

I am dying to see your sketches.

It is a whole week
since we talk.

Dwayne, ask Mr. Brady in.

Oh, come right in, Mr. Brady.

For a minute there,

I kind of thought I
was in the wrong office.

Oh, no, no, no.

I give you, how you
say, cooperation.

I bring you samples of materials

for the draperies,
samples of the pink...

Everything that is Beebe.

Excuse me, Miss Gallini.

Yes?

You are still on the phone.

Oh, but of course.

What would I do
without my Dwayne?

Where was I?

Oh, yes, the charity.

When I appear,

I want that the orchestra
should play something pink.

Well, then something
that sounds pink.

Charities, banquets.

It is always something.

Now, Michael, dahling

you will show me
my sketches, hmm?

I finished these at
home late last night.

Oh, no.

No. No, dahling.

That is a factory for anybody.

I want that my
factory should be me.

That when people
see it, they say,

"There's Beebe."

Beebe, a factory
has to be functional.

Functional? Oh,
that is one thing

that Beebe does not
want to be, functional.

Beebe wants to be Beebe.

Naturally, a building
has to express

the personality
of its owner, but...

Exactly what I'm saying.

Express my personality.

Yeah, but, you see,

you didn't let me
finish my sentence.

A factory has to be practical

and efficient.
There are a thous...

A powder puff.

Make the factory the
shape of a powder puff.

A powder puff?

Or maybe tall like a lipstick.

A lipstick?

All right, Michael, make it
the shape of a powder puff.

With Beebe, you have
complete freedom.

Now, you will make
me a sketch, huh?

( phone ringing)

Oh, no. That must
be for me, dahling.

I've had my calls
transferred here.

Yes, this is Beebe
Gallini, Incorporated.

I love being incorporated.

Uh, Miss Gallini, it's
Marie of Marie's Cosmetics.

Oh.

Her I do not wish to speak to.

Hang up.

Loudly!

Of course.

Well, Michael, dahling,
are you finished?

No, dahling.

Fluffier.

Fluffier. It has to be fluffier.

Fluffier?

Yes. A powder puff is fluffy.

My factory has to be fluffy.

A fluffy factory.

But Little Red Riding
Hood was too smart.

She knew that wasn't
her... Grandmother.

Right.

She knew it was a big wolf.

A big, pink, female wolf.

I've never seen a
pink wolf, Mommy.

Well, let's hope
you never do, dear.

Oh, my goodness, it's
8:30... Way past your bedtime.

Daddy stays up
late, too, doesn't he?

Your daddy is working
very hard these days...

and nights.

PETER: Mom...

I can't make my
airplane fly straight.

Is Dad home yet?

No, dear. He's working late.

We don't hardly ever
get to see him anymore.

Well, I've explained
it to you before, dear.

Your father has a
very complicated job...

Designing a factory

where they make perfume,
powder and lipstick.

Aw, who needs all
that junk anyway?

Us women, that's who.

Why don't you two just run along
and finish your homework, okay?

Hi, Mom.

Is Dad here?

No, he's not here yet.

Go on upstairs.

I'll be up in a
minute to help you.

Mom, Marcia and I
are looking for Dad.

He's not here.

Now, come on.
Everybody to your rooms.

It's time for bed.

Bed?!

Bed.

At 8:30?

Well, you've been
staying up too late.

Another wasted evening with
that hokey cosmetic queen.

Changes, changes, more changes,

more interruptions.

I tell you, if that factory

didn't mean so much
to my company...

Is it worth it, Mike?

Well, honey,

it might be rough on
me if I lose the contract.

But what good is it?
What good is the money

if you have to
work all the time?

She's got to make
a decision soon.

Yes, but what if she doesn't
make a decision soon?

You can't keep
working day and night.

That's my job!

What about the kids' education?

What about providing
for their future?

What about us today?

Tomorrow it's Saturday and...

No, honey, listen...

Beebe has to go to
some charity thing,

and I'll make it up to
the kids and to you.

I'll do everything,
I promise you.

In one day?

Have I been away that much?

Very much that much.

The wing was too far back, Pete.

That's why it
didn't fly straight.

Thanks, Dad.

I'll bet it'll really
go great now.

( doorbell rings)

CAROL: Is that the door?

I'll get it.

I'll get it, honey.

Oh, now, Mike!

Hold on!

Hello, Beebe.

Hello, Michael, dahling.

This must be the little woman.

Oh, I forgot.

You haven't met.

Carol, this is Beebe Gallini.

Beebe, this is my wife Carol.

I'm very happy to know you.

Of course.

Oh, what a charming
little cottage.

Is this your guest house?

Uh, yeah, this is our
nine-room guest house.

Beebe, listen, I
thought you were going

to that charity affair today.

Oh, I'm on my way, dahling.

But as I was driving,

a... a vision came to me.

You've changed your
mind about the powder puff?

You guessed it.

You have such a
talented husband, dahling.

Beebe, I've been
working all week

on that powder puff design.

This is much better.

A compact.

A compact?

The top floor opens up.

There has never been
another factory like it.

Yeah, that's for sure.

Beebe, that's impossible.

Oh, I think it's a
marvelous idea.

A topless factory.

With a stationary bottom.

A factory like that
will make you famous.

Everyone will talk about you.

Oh, they'll talk
about me, all right.

Look, Beebe, the whole
project is impossible

from an engineering standpoint.

The leverage, the stress.

I'd sure hate to be standing
next to the water cooler

when the top went up.

You can't hinge a roof.

You can understand that.

Oh, details, details, details.

Beebe Gallini is not
interested in details.

Now, dahling,
you will start work

on the new design at once.

Oh!

( gasps)

My head! My hair!

My airplane!

We're sorry about,
this, Miss Gallini.

Good. It's not broken.

Peter, will you
apologize to Miss Gallini?

For what?

Ah, apologies I do not need.

Three hours it takes

to fix my hair for
the charity ball.

Bang! Bang! You're all wet!

I'll get you wetter!

Bobby... I'll get you!

Oh!

Sorry, lady.

I was aiming at her.

Michael, are these
creatures yours?

Bobby, Cindy, out.

Mommy, she cries black tears.

Oh, kids, out.

Oh, I'm terribly
sorry, Miss Gallini.

Sorry does not help.

But they didn't mean any harm.

Neither did Frankenstein.

Beebe, I apologize.
The whole thing is...

I'm sorry, Michael,
but I'm afraid

I have to get another architect.

Good-bye.

And good-bye to
you, little woman.

Well, there goes Beebe Gallini

in a cloud of feathers.

Oh, Mike.

What about your company?

Haven't you lost the
contract for them?

No, honey.

It's the wrong
way to look at it.

I haven't lost them a contract.

I've saved them a
nervous breakdown.

Honey.

Hmm?

Listen to my
horoscope for tomorrow:

"You will meet a
tall, sexy brunette

who will fall madly
in love with you."

How about that?

Oh, who believes
that nonsense anyway?

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Good night, honey.

Good night, dear.

"Tall, sexy brunette"?

It says, "This is a good
time to adopt a pet."

You... Oh, Mike,
that's terrible.

Stop! Stop it!