The Brady Bunch (1969–1974): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Honeymoon - full transcript

This pilot episode depicts the wedding of Michael Paul Brady and Carol Ann Martin, which blends their formerly separate families - hers having three daughters, all with "hair of gold, like their mother;" his with "three boys of his own." However, the outdoor wedding becomes chaotic when the boys' dog, Tiger, begins chasing after the girls' cat, Fluffy.

♪ Here's the story ♪

♪ Of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was bringing up ♪

♪ Three very lovely girls ♪

♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪

♪ Like their mother ♪

♪ The youngest one in curls ♪

♪ It's the story of a
man named Brady ♪

♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪

♪ They were four
men living all together ♪

♪ Yet they were all alone ♪



♪ Till the one day when ♪

♪ The lady met this fellow ♪

♪ And they knew that it was ♪

♪ Much more than a hunch ♪

♪ That this group must ♪

♪ Somehow form a family ♪

♪ That's the way they all ♪

♪ Became the Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ That's the way they became ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch. ♪

You finished with
this juice, Peter?

Okay, now, look, boys.



Let's all eat a good
breakfast today.

I know you're
bound to be nervous,

but we have to have plenty
of nourishment and energy,

and that's why it's important
to have a good breakfast.

We're almost finished, Dad.

You didn't eat anything at all.

Oh, yeah, well.

Yeah, I'll just have my coffee.

I don't blame you for
being nervous, Mr. Brady.

This is a very
important Saturday.

Alice, I know it's an
important Saturday.

Who said I'm nervous?

I'm mature and I'm logical and
I know I'm doing the right thing.

Why should I be nervous?

What makes you
think I'm nervous?

It's the first time I ever saw
you take 21 spoons of sugar.

I like it sweet.

Every bridegroom's a
little jumpy, Mr. Brady.

It's a normal male
reaction, Dad...

for your generation.

I once saw a movie

where a man was getting married.

He was so nervous, he
forgot to put his pants on.

You're okay, Dad.

Thanks, son. Would you sit down?

I'm sure you're going
to be very happy.

Mrs. Martin is a lovely woman.

Mmm... she's out of sight, Dad.

Groovy.

I think she's neat-o.

That makes it unanimous.

I think she's pretty
special myself.

Ooh!

Well, I certainly hope

the bride isn't as
nervous as the groom.

No, not my bride.

I'm sure the future Mrs. Brady

is cool, calm and collected.

I'm shaking like a leaf.

The wedding's only an hour away,

and I can't even
brush your hair.

And I've got to fix yours, too.

And Cindy, what
happened to your curls?

A half hour ago,
I made your curls.

Oh, look at me.

Brides are supposed to be
beautiful, and I look awful.

We think you look beautiful.

Uh-huh.

How can you girls sit there

and say that I look beautiful?

'Cause we love you.

Girls.

Oh, you do like Mike, don't you?

Sure, we like him.

A lot.

You know how much we like him?

How much?

This much.

I'm sure we're all
going to be very happy.

You're going to be happy.

I'm going to be happy.

Mike's going to be happy.

And Greg... and Peter and Bobby.

They're going to be happy.

If we're all going
to be so happy,

how come your eyes look
like they're going to cry?

Oh! Because grownups are silly.

Sometimes they cry
when they're happy.

That must be Mike.

What makes you think so?

It's always Mike.

Hello.

It's Mike.

I'm just fine, honey.
How are you?

I'm nervous, that's
how I am. Nervous.

To tell the truth,

I've got a few butterflies
in my stomach.

Were you sleeping with your
mouth open, Mommy? Huh?

How did those butterflies
get in your stomach?

Oh, they're not real
butterflies, sweetheart.

I'll explain it to you later.

Hold on a minute,
Mike, would you?

Why don't you girls run along

and get your clothes ready,

and I'll be along

in a minute to help, okay?

Oh, can't we stay here?

Come on.

The bride and groom
want to talk privately.

Thank you, Miss Protocol.

It's all right.

I'm sorry, Mike.

Cindy thought there were

real butterflies in my stomach.

You're lucky if you
only have butterflies.

I've got six flying
saucers in mine.

Why don't you
take a tranquilizer?

I took one.

Well, maybe you
should take another one.

Nothing doing.

I want to be calm
for the ceremony,

but there's the
honeymoon to consider.

That's an architect for
you... always planning ahead.

How you coming?

Okay, Dad.

Let's have a little
inspection here.

Looks like you got
dressed in the dark here.

There you go.

Well, Bobby, you
look pretty good.

You look good, too, Dad.

Thank you very much.

Well, let's get going.

Not right for a man to be late

for a wedding,
especially his own.

Where's your mother's
picture, Bobby?

I put it away... in the drawer.

Because of Carol?

I thought maybe
she might not like it

when she moves in.

Come here, Bobby.

Now, you can put
it right back, son.

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

I don't want you to
forget your mother.

And neither does Carol.

Gee, that's swell.

I really like this picture,

but I didn't want to
upset my new mom.

You know something?

Your mother would be very proud

of you right now.

Greg, Peter.

Just combing our hair, Dad.

Well, come on. We
can't wait all day.

We're all dressed
up. So's Tiger.

Sorry, fellows.
Tiger stays home.

Now, this is just
for the family.

Alice is going to be there.

Alice is a member of the family.

So's Tiger.

He's our brother.

Now, look, boys, I love you,

and I love Tiger, too.

But we are not taking
a dog to a wedding.

Hey, look, Dad. The
caterers are here.

Good. I'm hungry.

Hungry? You just ate breakfast.

You'll eat after the wedding.

Get out the other side, boys.

Fluff them out a little.

Oh, that's better.

Henry!

I... I... I was just
testing, dear.

There'll be plenty
of time for that

when the guests arrive.

Thank you.

Oh, Mom and Dad, it
all looks so beautiful.

The wedding's
going to be lovely.

Well, wait till you and
Mike get the bill, dear.

Henry.

Oh, mother, I know he's kidding.

I don't know what
I would have done

without you two
these past few years.

I don't know what I
would have done either.

Well, you want to
know something?

We're really going to
miss you, sweetheart.

You're going to visit
us, aren't you, Grandpa?

Of course they are, Cindy.

Mike's house is only
20 minutes away.

Sure.

Oh, that must be
another telegram.

Hey, let me get
it! Let me get it!

All right, off you go.

Hey, you look pretty.

Hi.

Well, you sound a
little disappointed.

I thought you were
going to be a telegram.

Hi, Mike.

Greg, Peter, Bobby, Tiger.

Tiger! You brought Tiger?

He'll frighten Fluffy to death.

Fluffy. I forgot about the cat.

Greg, put Tiger back in the car.

Aw, Dad... Now, wait, Mike.

We'll keep Fluffy
up in the girls' room.

Oh, honey, we don't
want you to lock up Fluffy.

Greg, you and Peter
put Tiger back in the car.

Okay, Dad.

Come on, Tiger.

And put the top up,

and open the window a bit.

Come on in, Bobby.

Hello.

Mike! So you decided
to show up after all.

Henry!

That's all right, Mrs. Tyler.

I don't get upset very easily.

Oh, yeah? This morning,

he put 21 spoons
of sugar in his coffee.

Don't exaggerate.

But he didn't forget his pants.

Oh.

Well!

Cindy, why don't you
take Bobby upstairs,

and tell the girls your new
brothers are here, okay?

Okay, come on.

I got a swell new dollhouse.

Dollhouse?! Dad...
That sounds like fun.

Yuck.

Bobby, remember what I told you.

Come on!

Don't they look cute together?

Thank you.

I mean the kids.

Oh... Mike, I want
you to see something.

What? You have a
swell new dollhouse, too?

Oh, Mike.

Mom and Dad,
would you excuse us?

Why, sure.

Well, what do you think?

Hey, everything looks beautiful.

Did you say everything
looks beautiful?

Oh, everything. The
flowers are beautiful,

the cake is beautiful, the
hors d'oeuvres are beautiful.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, the silverware
looks beautiful, too.

Thank you.

Well, how do I look?

You, my dear, are
prettier than flowers,

sweeter than the cake,

more appetizing than
the hors d'oeuvres,

and more sparkling
than the silverware.

Oh, Mike, be serious.

You want to know something?

Yes.

I am serious.

A few years ago, I thought
it was the end of the world.

Now it's just the beginning...

for both of us.

Uh-uh. For all of us.

Right.

The whole blooming Brady bunch.

Now, Carol Ann, Michael Paul,

will you join hands, please?

Do you, Carol Ann,

take this man to be your
lawful wedded husband?

To have and to hold,
to honor and obey,

to love and cherish,

in sickness and in health

till death do you part?

I do.

Do you, Michael Paul,

take this woman to be
your lawful wedded wife?

To have and to hold,
to honor and obey,

to love and cherish
till death do you part?

I do.

I now pronounce
you man and wife.

They whom God
hath joined together

let no man put asunder.

Well, aren't you
going to kiss the bride?

You bet I am!

Fluffy!

I told you boys, put
that dog back in the car!

We did, Dad!

Well, put him back!

Fluffy!

Fluffy!

Stop it. You're
ruining the wedding.

Grab him!

We got him.

Tiger!

Girls, stop that screaming.

You boys wanted to bring
that dog! Now go get him!

I'm so sorry,
everybody. Just sit quiet.

It'll be quite all right.

Henry, please do something!

Just calm down, dear.

Everything's
going to be all right.

Tiger! Tiger!

Alice, can't you
control that dog?

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you, Alice.

Tiger!

Tiger, sit! Sit!

Not you, sir. Tiger!

Where...?

Tiger! Tiger!

Tiger, if you don't stop,
you're going to get it!

Oh, Reverend, I'm so sorry.

Why, it's all right.

Everything's
going to be all right.

Waiter, get me some ice, please.

Tiger, Tiger!

There she goes!

Mike, thank goodness
you saved the cake!

Oh!

Oh, Mike!

Just what we wanted...

A nice, quiet wedding.

Boy, show Mr. and Mrs. Manors

to room 312, please.

I do hope you folks
enjoy your stay.

Oh, and may I be
of service to you?

Thank you very much.

We're Mr. and Mrs. Brady,
and we have reservations.

Oh, yes, Mr. Brady.
Let me see now.

Brady, Brady, Bra...
Oh, yes, Mr. Brady.

You have the honeymoon suite.

Right. The honeymoon suite.

Would you care
to register, please?

Thank you.

Now, I am Mr. Pringle,

and if there is
anything I can do,

you just call on me.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Mr. Brady.

You have signed this "Mr.
Ad Mrs. Brady and family."

I forgot.

That's force of habit.

The kids aren't with us.

Well, you did ask for
the honeymoon suite.

Oh, it's quite all right,
Mr. Pringle. You see...

It's all right, darling.
No need to explain.

It's obvious this gentleman

doesn't dig the
modern generation.

Boy.

Bradys to suite H.

Thank you, Mr. Pringle.

Oh, you're welcome.

Honey?

Yes?

Champagne's ready.

Champagne? Where
did that come from?

The hotel sent it up.

How about that?

Lovely.

There you go.

Well...

here's to a great, big
bubbly life together.

Oh, I forgot. What?

Champagne has a
terrible effect on me.

It makes me dizzy.

Well, champagne has a
terrible effect on me, too.

What? You'll find out.

Michael Brady,
you stop that or I'll...

You'll what?

I was afraid Tiger
was going to hurt Fluffy.

I couldn't help screaming,

and neither could
Marcia and Jan.

But Mama yelled at us anyway.

She didn't even
yell at the boys.

And it was their dog
that chased Fluffy.

Maybe she likes
them better than us.

I feel funny about Cindy...

and Marcia and Jan, too.

I shouldn't have scolded
them at the wedding.

I shouldn't have
yelled at the boys.

But it was such a mess.

Tiger was chasing Fluffy,

and the hors
d'oeuvres were flying.

And all those ice cubes.

Poor Mrs. Feldman
and her frozen front.

How about me and my nose

full of wedding cake?

I'm still sneezing rosebuds.

Oh, you were a sight.

Mike?

Hmm?

I feel guilty about the kids.

Hey, wait a minute.

We're on our honeymoon.

We're supposed to
be enjoying ourselves.

Those kids are fine.

I'm sure they've forgotten
all about it by now.

You're probably right.

Of course I'm right.

Listen, I know my boys.

They can be
miserable one minute,

and laughing the next.

Right now, I'll bet

they've got a smile on
their faces a mile wide.

Okay, when boys don't eat cake,

there's got to be a
reason. Let's have it.

Dad shouldn't have yelled at us.

We were only trying to help.

He didn't yell at the girls,

and it was their cat
that caused the trouble.

He only yelled at boys... us.

I guess that's
the way it's going

to be around here from now on.

Just because
they're Carol's kids,

we're going to get
blamed for everything.

Now, you men don't
really believe that.

We sure do.

When those girls move in,

they're going to take over.

Yeah. They're going
to be Dad's favorites.

Yeah.

It's a marvelous hotel.

And the service...
the service is great.

I told you boys to put
that dog back in the car!

I told you boys to put
that dog back in the car!

Put him back!

Girls, stop that
screaming right now!

Girls, stop it! You're
ruining the wedding!

Girls, stop that
screaming right now!

Girls, stop that...

Whoopee.

Yahoo.

You know the
answer as well as I do.

Let's go.

Like this?

It's an emergency.

Mr. Brady!

Don't worry, Mr. Pringle.

We'll be back.

Mommy!

Shh! You'll frighten
Grandma and Grandpa.

Come on, girls.

Wake up, girls. Come on.

What's going on?

How would you girls like
to come along with us?

On your honeymoon?

That's right.

Oh, boy! I've never
been on a honeymoon.

Neither have I.

And I'm older than you are.

Shh, shh, shh!

What can you
expect from children?

Mike, I'd better
wake Mom and Dad

and tell them we're
taking the girls.

Would you pack a
few things for them?

Okay, pack a few dresses.

Bobby? Bobby?

Dad!

Hi, Bobby.

Shh! Shh! Come
on, get up. Get up.

Peter? Peter?

Wake up. Come on. Come on.

Well, what are you doing here?

Hey, what's happening?

How would you boys
like to come with us

on our honeymoon?

What?

Marcia, Jan and Cindy

are waiting downstairs.

Wow! I'd love to
go on a honeymoon.

What should I take?

A girl, dummy.

Yeah, that'll do, Greg.

Come on, Petey. Get up.

I'm going back to bed.

Aren't you coming with us?

Not me. I'm too old
to go on a honeymoon.

Dad's older than you
are, and he's going.

Come on, Greg. We're
all going to go together.

Now, go get some clothes on.

You boys get ready, too.

Honey, I'm going to go
wake Alice and tell her.

Alice is right here.

Alice, what are you
doing up at this hour?

Well, I figured you'd be back.

I packed the boys'
clothes last night.

Mr. Brady!

Oh. It's okay, Mr. Pringle.

They're with us.

If there's one thing

that's better than a
honeymoon for two,

it's a honeymoon for eight.

You mean a honeymoon
for nine, Mommy.

You mean a honeymoon for ten.

Fluffy!

Tiger!

Eleven!

Don't forget Alice.

That makes 12.

Alice... I know this
is a stupid question,

but what are you two doing here?

Well, he wouldn't go
to sleep without you.

Besides, I figured someone
ought to look after the kids.

Hey... good thinking.

Okay, gang... let's go.

Just a minute!

Ladies first.

Oh, no, it's by age.

The youngest
one should be first!

I'm younger than you are!

I have as much right
to go first as anybody!

Be careful of Cindy!

Boys!

Only one way to handle it.

Attention!

Okay, fall in.

Right here.

According to size,
and big ones first.

Come on, fast.

Fill in ranks back
there. Come on.

No talking in the ranks.

Come on, hurry up, hurry up.

Okay... left foot first.

Forward... march! Two, three...

Good night, Mr. Pringle.

Two, three, four...

Hut! Left, left, right, left.

Left, left, left, right, left.

Left, left, left, right, left.