The Boss Baby: Back in Business (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Constipation Situation - full transcript

[grunts]

Hold all my calls.

[giggling]

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ I'm the boss, Boss Baby
Boss boss, Boss Baby, boss boss ♪

♪ Watch a itty-bitty kid get large
I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ Stroller rolling
Up and down the boulevard ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ I run this house, I rule this crib
Change my diaper, son, where's my bib? ♪

♪ Don't pacify, you just got to pay me ♪

-♪ Who's in charge? ♪
-♪ Me, the Boss Baby ♪



-[Tim laughing maniacally]
-[drill whirring]

[Tim] They called me a madman.

Mixing fruit cereal
with peanut butter cereal?

[gasps] Dr. Tim, even a cereal scientist
like you couldn't be so mad!

Couldn't I?

Honestly, that really does sound
just completely nauseating.

Silence, villager! I know what I like.

-[laughing maniacally]
-[baby crying]

-Baby!
-Baby's crying!

-[crying continues]
-[scoffs]

Drama king.

It's okay. Mommy's here.

And Daddy. Don't forget you have a daddy.

-[crying continues]
-[giggles]



[sighs] He's all right.

[crying continues]

-Someone's not.
-[man] Hey, Templeton!

-Your kid's making me crazy.
-It's not our baby!

-My mistake!
-Yikes.

[crying continues]

-Who had a new baby?
-Is everything okay?

False alarm, Timmy. Back to breakfast.

Uh... in a minute.

Okeydokey. Bring your brother down
when you're ready.

[groans] That new kid's going off
like a foghorn!

-[crying continues]
-Is that gonna be bad for babies?

Not if I can help it.
I need a dossier from Baby Corp,

see if we're dealing with a normal crybaby
or a Scooter Buskie-style problem child.

Grab the monitor so I can call the office.
It's in the safe.

[scoffs] I'm still eating breakfast.
You can get your own monitor.

Uh, of course I can. Who said I couldn't?
[laughing] Who would say that? Morons.

-Are you okay?
-You want me to get my own monitor?

I will. Watch me.

[grunting]

[grunting]

[panting]

[grunting, panting]

-[stomach grumbling]
-[groans, gasps]

[grunting, panting]

-[stomach grumbling]
-[grunting, groaning]

-Do you need--?
-No! Don't help me. I've got this.

[grunts, dramatic moaning]

[grunts, groans]

You win, Templeton.

-I'm... constipated!
-[stomach grumbling]

You can control people with your mind?

No wonder your head is so big.

No, I said I'm--
What's wrong with the size of my head?

Do you have any idea
what "constipated" means?

Yes?

Very convincing.

Okay, brass tacks version.

I can't... go.

Boom-boom.

"Boom-boom" is poop.

[laughs] You said "poop."

[gasps] You can't poop! That's awful!
Of course I'll get your monitor for you!

I'm more embarrassed than anything.

Usually, my down under runs like
a Formula One race car.

It's okay. It happens to everybody.

-I once ate a whole bag of taffy--
-Stop. No.

This was not an invitation
to exchange bowel stories.

[baby crying in distance]

Double B, how's life in the field?

[grunts] Been better.
Got a crying baby in my territory.

[crying continues]

Oh, wow.
Yeah, real four-alarm wailer right there.

Run the factory specs for me. I wanna know
if this is gonna be a "situation."

Will do. Give me ten.
Catch you back, Beebs.

-See?
-[stomach grumbling]

Ugh! Nothing I can't muscle through
with a good day's work. So keep it quiet.

-No one else needs to know about this.
-Not even Mom?

-Is Mom someone else?
-Yes?

Then no.

[scoffs] You can't hide being sick
from Mom. She's a mom.

-Templeton-- [grunts]
-[stomach grumbles]

-[Mom gasps]
-[gasps]

-Ted, the baby's constipated!
-Don't worry, buddy.

-We're prepped for this.
-[whispers] Help me.

Gentle massage,
three fingers below the belly button.

-[stomach grumbling]
-[moans]

He looks stressed. Get his squeaky.

Don't you worry.

Mommy and Daddy are gonna pop the cork
on that stuffy bummy.

[toy squeaking]

Tweet, tweet, lifeguard.
Everybody out of the poo hole.

-[squeaking faster]
-[stomach grumbles]

Prune juice?

-Extra pulp.
-Let's do this.

You be a brave boy.
We will flush those wittle doody pipes.

-[baby crying loudly]
-Ugh! Who is that kid?

[crying continues]

-Oh, my gosh!
-[gasps, grunts]

Sorry, but you know what this is?

-It's your first sick day.
-Sick days are for the weak and unionized.

I just need to work-- [screams]
Cramping, cramping!

No, Dad is right. You're all stressed.
Probably because you work all the time.

And stress gives your poop sticky claws,
and the claws grab your inside,

and the poops go,
"Grah! We're not leaving!"

[laughs] Talking poop.

I am positive that's not how
the human body works.

So, sick day!
It's the best way to relax and get better.

We can watch game shows all morning.

It's your summer vacation, Templeton.
You watch TV every day.

Besides,

-how am I supposed to relax with...
-[crying continues]

Ugh, it's a human car alarm!
And why didn't Mom know about this kid?

-Why should she?
-Mommies always know.

New babies are the measuring stick
to make sure their baby is superior.

No, something's wrong here. [groans]

Uppies to the window?

If I help with this crying baby thing,
you'll take the sick day?

I'll reopen discussions.

[shouts] Easy!
I feel like I'm gonna pop a seam.

Can't tell where it's coming from.

I need my monitor, two walkie-talkies,
binoculars, and a favor.

[crying continues]

-It sounds like it's moving.
-Not possible. Keep searching.

Where's that background
on the new arrival, Hendershot?

Hang on. Just got your neighborhood file.

[woman] Will someone tell that baby
to shut its mouth?

-[woman 2] Knock it off!
-[crying continues]

-[gasps]
-[crying continues]

Where is it?

Steady, Timmy. Hendershot,
at least give me a home address.

Hmm. Uh, Beebs, there is no new baby
in your neighborhood.

What? No, that's a baby cry.
Nobody else makes a sound like...

[gasps] Templeton, behind you!

-[suspenseful music playing]
-[gasping]

[baby crying]

It's not a baby.

It's... a copycat.

[laughs] I didn't even mean it like that.

[suspenseful music playing]

There's more than one of them.

[cats mimic babies shrieking]

[man groans]

-[man] Will you please shut your baby up?
-[woman] My baby? That's your baby!

[man] Baby, shut up!

[rapid beeping]

[overlapping chatter]

What's happening?

We got pockets of baby outrage
blooming all over town.

More copycats?

Gotta be at least-- This little piggy,
this little piggy, this little piggy...

Five, maybe more.
I ran out of little piggies.

It's that maniac, Bootsy Calico.

He must've trained a small army
of these shrieking pretenders.

Better get your field team on this,
double-time. [shouts]

-Way ahead of you--
-No! You are a sick baby.

You're too stressed, and you need to relax
and watch TV with me.

-Back, Templeton. Let me-- [screams]
-[stomach gurgles]

Let me work through this.
I'm on a tight schedule.

Mommy and Daddy could be back
with prune juice any minute.

[Dad grunting]

-Prune.
-There has to be an easier way to do this.

I'm not paying
for some fancy store-bought juicer!

[grunts]

Give it! You are not...
[grunts] ...working today.

Hard work... [grunts] ...fixes...

[grunts] ...everything.

-You okay there, BB?
-My baby brother is taking a sick day

because he is...

-[beeps]
-[over PA] ...constipated!

[all gasping]

-Wha-a-a...
-Oh, no.

...a-a-a-a-a...

-...a-a-a-a-at?
-[grunts]

Mega Fat CEO Baby.

Did something clog your schnitzel chute?
That's terrible-arious.

Mega Fat CEO Baby's sympathy
is tainted with amusement.

It's not a problem. [grunts] My team
can still take care of these copycats.

Party, party, celebration.
Love that good news.

Of course, your field team will have
to stop the copycats without you

because you're taking a si-si-si-sick day.

I just need... [grunts] ...to work.

Oh, oh, oh, no. No work
until you get the poo-poos out.

-Hmm?
-If I catch you working, you're fired.

If your team fails without you,
you're also fired.

-What?
-Call it a catch number two.

Have fun at home with your man-baby,
whatever his name is. I want to say Cody.

-It's actually--
-Your name is now Cody.

All right. Ooh!
Templeton, pace me back and forth.

-Why?
-Because it's dramatic and you owe me.

All right, these copycats are out there.

They're moving, and they're damaging
our business more and more

with every phony baby cry.

How are we supposed to catch them all,
sir, even with the substitutes?

-We're temporary!
-Turn me, hands on hips.

You don't catch them all.

You catch one copycat

and make it lead you to the ringleader,
Bootsy Calico.

Stop him, you stop them.

-Brilliant!
-Can't lose!

I'll join you as soon as I can, uh...
offshore my personal assets.

Thank you for that disgusting
illustration, Templeton.

-You're welcome.
-[Mom] Tim, is the baby upstairs?

[Dad] We got the juice
that'll make your stool loose.

-Juice?
-No juice, Jimbo.

-Just go, go, go! Oh!
-[stomach grumbling]

-[mimics baby crying]
-[man groans] Babies!

Snatch and grab. We move stealthy
and silent, like the cold hand of death.

-What if I need to be loud?
-Don't.

-What if there's a ghost?
-Ghosts are spooky.

-You have to scream.
-Cat got away.

Darn it!

[burps]

I don't think the prune juice is working.

Try to make him do this,
therapeutic swaying.

It's a rock crusher for bowel blockages.
I do this before every movement.

-I feel weird when you call it a movement.
-It's a perfectly scientific word.

-Parents make movements too, Timmy.
-Mom!

Ooh, yeah, yeah!
I can really feel it dancing.

-Can I try to help the baby?
-You really want to?

You said he's stressed,

and it just so happens
his big brother is an expert relaxer.

-He can hang out with me.
-[giggling]

-[whispering] Game shows.
-[continues giggling]

Aw! Honey, that's so sweet!

Couldn't hurt.

[giggling]

I need to go make a movement now, anyway.

-[groans]
-[cat mimics baby crying]

[woman] Come on!
Put a pacifier in that thing already!

[purring]

[Jimbo] Belly flop!

[copycat squeaks]

Yay! I got the copykitty.

[Staci] Get off of me, Jimbo!

[gasps] It knows how to copy Staci.
[grunts]

I am the mighty hunter! [howling]

-[howling]
-Boo!

Okay, we've got cereal...
and look at all the game show options.

Stump the Chimp,
The Two-Dollar Double Date.

Ooh! Name Those Noises!

I find none of this enjoyable.
I should be out there with my team.

Well, you can't, okay?

Your CEO boss said you can't work
until you poop, or you get fired.

I'm a corner office baby. I should be able
to fill my diaper in two seconds flat.

This is mail room intern behavior.
You should be ashamed of yourself.

Look, I didn't wanna tell you this
because you're already stressed,

but when sick days don't fix things,
Mom and Dad have to try something...

worse.

Is worse faster? Because if so--

-[stomach grumbling]
-[screaming]

He's still hurting that bad?

Tim, this was so sweet of you to try,
but I think it's time.

No!

We need to take him to...
the pediatrician.

You mean Dr. Kevin?

-Yes, Dr. Kevin.
-[ominous music playing]

-[drill whirring]
-[bell dings on TV]

[woman] Is it a pipe organ
and an electric drill?

-[bell dinging]
-[man] You named those noises!

[game show theme music playing]

-[mimics baby crying]
-Stop crying! Where's Bootsy Calico?

How many copycats are out there?

No more wah-wah!

It's bad cop/good cop, Jimbo.
We can't both be the bad cop.

-Where's Bootsy Calico?
-Who do you work for?

-How long have you been a cat?
-Stop it!

There's just one bad cop, and it's me!

Who put you in charge?

[yelling] Who put you in charge?

We're interrogating the cat, not me!

I got confused!

[copycat purring]

Jimbo, stop petting the cat!

I was being good cop.

-[moans]
-What's happening?

-What's wrong with Dr. Kevin?
-What's wrong with Dr. Kevin? Shots!

[gasps] He wouldn't.

Medicine that tastes
like a cherry barfed until it died.

-Not in my mouth.
-Your mouth if you're lucky.

-No!
-And he doesn't even give stickers.

Where's the quid pro quo?

-You do not want to go to Dr. Kevin.
-I really don't.

Then forget relaxing.
You need to fill that diaper right now.

Agreed, but how?

Whatever it takes.

Faster! Chug it!

-[inhales deeply]
-Now blow, but don't breathe.

[grunting]

-Boo!
-[exhales]

[grunts] It's constipation,
not the hiccups.

Boo!

-[stomach grumbling]
-[grunting]

-No. [groans]
-[stomach grumbling]

At least I'm trying. You keep complaining
about not being at your stupid work.

And why does that copycat sound like
it's crying in our basement?

-I'll go. [groaning]
-You focus on pooping.

[mimics baby crying]

-Listen to me!
-You're not the boss!

-We don't have a boss.
-It's anarchy!

The law can't touch me. Yeah!

[groans]

Hey! What's going on?
And why are you in our basement?

I haven't cleaned mine up
from the last interrogation.

What interrogation? You caught a copycat?

-Yes!
-Cat got away.

-[cat mimics baby crying]
-[man screams] There it goes again!

-[woman] I hate babies!
-One, two, three, not my fault!

-[both] Not it!
-Jimbo's fault!

-Aw!
-You were supposed to take care of this

so my brother could relax
and get unconstipated.

Oh, you're so perfect.

Why don't you tell us
your copycat plan, huh?

What? Uh, no. My job was...

I don't have a--
I don't like being in charge.

[gasps] I know what to do.

Yeah! Anarchy!

Oh, no.

-Dad, where's the baby?
-Your mom took him to see Dr. Kevin.

-What?
-Aw, you look stressed. Sway with me.

No!

[man] You're listening
to Clashing Opinions on Radio Drone.

Up next, diced onions on hot dogs?

-[gasps]
-Yes or no?

-How is that even a question? No!
-[tires screeching]

[panting]

Got him!
Point-three klicks, straight ahead.

[man] Joining us now on the spicy brown
versus yellow mustard debate...

-[toy squeaks]
-We're fortunate to have

the junior senator from Pennsylvania.

-Senator, where do you stand?
-[squeaking]

-[senator speaking incoherently]
-Ugh! Grow a spine, ya flip-flopper!

-[man] Well said, Mr. Senator.
-[Mom] Stop praising him! No!

[man 2] If I could cut in here,
let's agree that all decent real Americans

-prefer untoasted buns.
-[Boss Baby] What?

-[Mom] You don't speak for me!
-[senator babbles]

[man] There's no call
for that kind of language, Senator.

[man 2] Toasted buns?
Pure moral degeneracy.

[Mom] I'll toast your buns,
you shallow puddle

-of toxic rain sludge! [grunts]
-[man] Thank you, Senator.

We'll now take some calls.
Hello, you're on...

[Boss Baby grunts]

Templeton, what?

We've got five minutes
before Mom reaches Dr. Kevin's office.

And probably ten before she stops yelling
at talk radio and realizes you're gone.

I appreciate the temporary reprieve,
but... [grunting]

...oh, it's kicking in there.

[clears throat]

We're still in the same constipation
situation. Tell me you have a plan.

No, I do not. And your team
is a disaster without you.

Sir, for the record, I was very good.

You can put that in your report.
"Very good. Staci.

A gold star of excellence, really."

I'm... [grunts] I'm not seeing
how this is helpful.

I don't like being in charge, but you do.
Being the boss makes you happy.

And being happy relaxes you.
And if you're relaxed...

[all making fart noises]

Yes, thank you, all of you.
I got it without the restroom orchestra.

But the fact remains Mega Fat CEO Baby
will fire me if he catches me working

-before I fill my diaper.
-[Staci scoffs]

Bosses don't work. They just give orders.

Loophole!

So, what do we do, Boss?

[toy squeaking]

We fight stress with stress.

[toy squeaking, meowing]

-[squeaking, meowing continues]
-[growling]

Incoming!

More incoming!

[squeaking, meowing continues]

[copycats growling]

-Sir?
-Wait for it.

Well, well. Welly, well, wellsy, wellaby,
well, well, well. Boss Baby.

Bootsy Calico.

You obviously wanted my attention.

And tickle me plum pickled,
here I am... [chuckles]

...with so many of my naughty,
noisy friends.

-[snaps fingers]
-[cats mimic babies crying]

[woman] Stop crying already!

-[man] I hate babies! I hate all babies!
-[man 2] Ooh, I should get a cat!

-[man 3] Stop it! Stop it!
-Is this what you wanted

from your cute little cat-call stunt?

No, I just wanted to let you know
the office supply store

is out of kitten stress toys.

I-I'm sorry. Why would I care about--?

Because we bought them all.

Big hug!

[toys squeaking, meowing]

[man] I hate cats! I hate all cats!

[woman] I don't want any cats
in this neighborhood!

-[man] They're worse than babies!
-[man 2] I hate cats! I hate cats!

-[growls]
-[toys squeaking, meowing]

Call it mutually assured destruction.

Your crybaby copycats
could wipe us off the love map,

but now we cry-kitty-copy-babies
could do the same to you.

So, Bootsy Calico, who's gonna blink?

[hisses]

I respectfully withdraw.

See that you do.

[meowing]

-[all cheering]
-We did it!

And don't let me catch you
in this neighborhood again--

-[farts]
-[Tim gasps]

Don't leak, don't leak,
don't leak, don't leak!

Turkey dogs are flavorless abominations,
and we are done talking about this!

Okay, baby, let's get you inside
Dr. Kevin-- [gags]

Oh, sweet mercy! [coughs]
Is someone boiling cabbage?

[gasps]

Oh, good boy! Did you just save Mommy
an expensive doctor's office co-pay?

-Yes, you did. Yes, you did.
-[giggling]

[Calico] Listen up. We're shutting down
the copycat program.

[all meowing]

No, no, no. It's all right.
Long game, sugar boogers. Long game.

Besides, our star pupil already mastered
the only sound my plan really needs.

[laughs]

[siren wails]

[theme song playing]

♪ Boss Baby ♪