The Boss Baby: Back in Business (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Monster Machine - full transcript

The field team enters one of their own in the prestigious Lil' Dumpling Pageant to make sure the winner is someone Baby Corp can trust.

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Hold all my calls.

[giggling]

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[Boss Baby] Next item,
the Little Dumpling Pageant.

Baby Corp runs
the Little Dumpling Pageant?

No. That's exactly the problem.

May I infer from that voluminous spit take
that you're a fan of the pageant?

I wouldn't say I'm a fan.

More like a former winner and champion.
But I don't like to brag about it.

So, what's up?
Something wrong with the pageant?

The pageant itself, no.

Little Dumpling is the crown jewel
of the baby pageant circuit.

A whole town coming together
to celebrate its cutest baby?

That's solid gold dynamite for baby love!

Look at these historical charts!

-Outstanding charts, sir!
-What am I looking at?

Doesn't matter. It's the past, garbage!



Because the problem
is our reigning Little Dumpling champion,

last year's winner...

Jarreau McIntosh. [spits]

You really are super into this pageant,
aren't you?

I care about honor.

That crown used to mean something
when I was a champion, which I was,

-but I don't like to brag about it.
-Yes, Jarreau McIntosh.

Please refer to slide one in your dossier.

[Boss Baby] Cute, sure, but Jarreau really
killed it in the talent competition.

Pot-and-pan drumming.

He could bang those wooden spoons
like Zeus slinging lightning from Olympus.

[Jimbo] I got his poster.

We all got his poster, Jimbo.
And then the wheels fell off the tricycle.

Next slides. Jarreau wasn't cut out
to be a Little Dumpling winner.

When he put on that crown, the fame
went straight to his cherubic head.

He's an embarrassment to baby-kind.
I can't even look. Stop clicking! Stop it!

[sighs] Bottom line,

we can't let another Jarreau McIntosh
win the pageant this year.

Sir, couldn't we just shut
this thing down?

Cutest dimple, softest bottom. How do you
even decide who wins something like that?

Competition is what made
this country great, Staci.

Exactly. So why not do it
like we did in day care?

Twenty babies crawl into the ball pit,
one crawls out.

Come get some, Brayden! [grunting]

Thank you
for considering my proposal, sir.

We're not shutting the pageant down
for some bare-knuckle baby free-for-all.

We just need to make sure this year's
winner is someone Baby Corp can trust.

A ringer from our very own field team.

Oh, I, uh... [chuckles]

I know I'm a proven champion,
but do they let non-babies enter?

Move out of the way.
You're blocking Jimbo. It's Jimbo.

-Our ringer is Jimbo.
-Yay!

Oh, sure. That makes sense.

It's a slam dunk.

Look at that specimen
of adorable babyhood.

Thirty-six vertical inches

-of solid plump and snuggles.
-[giggling]

Most importantly, someone who knows
how a baby should behave.

Say something inspiring, Jimbo.

-Marbles go in hands, not in noses.
-See? He's a role model.

-I'm gonna be like Jarreau McIntosh.
-Oh! No, not like Jarreau!

The exact opposite of Jarreau!
We literally just talked about this!

[sneezes, sniffles]

-[chuckles]
-It's a solid plan. He'll be fine.

Let's hit that pageant!

[chattering]

Why does your brother look like Halloween
just threw up on his face?

You want someone to recognize me?

My famousness could blow
this whole operation.

I like the enthusiasm, Templeton.
Registration table's over there.

-Ooh, snacks!
-Good thinking, Jimbo.

Plump up those jiggly, giggly tummy rolls.
We'll scout the competition.

[sputters]

Wipe yourself off.
You're embarrassing us all.

I don't get this.

Babies just act like babies,
and some judge says,

"Uh, this one's the winner"?

Jimbo's got this in the bag. [chuckles]
That one thinks his toes are food.

[gasps] Whoa! We have a contender.

That's the booger-free princess to beat.

-You can say that again.
-I never repeat myself.

[train horn blowing]

[both gasp]

-[train horn blowing]
-[rock music playing]

[music stops]

-[rock music resumes]
-[squeals]

[babies giggling]

Jarreau McIntosh. [spits]

-He's an actual train wreck.
-Come on.

Let's talk strategy. The sooner
they pass that crown to a new champion,

-the sooner my migraine goes away.
-[gasps] It's him! [chuckling]

Jarreau! [chuckling]

I love your drumming. It's so loud.

[coos, sputters]

Me? Be your bodyguard?

[coos, giggles]

With you?

Yes, I would love to get out of here!

-Huh?
-[mimics deeper voice] Adult hello.

[chuckles] Aren't you just adorable?

[chuckles]
Not like a former pageant winner.

Nope. I'm just here
to register my son, Jimbo.

Okey-doke... sir. Last name?

-Jimbosdad?
-Uh-huh. And how would I spell that?

Uh...

-J... imbo mustache boomerang!
-[screams]

Solid work, kid. Jimbo, it's showtime.

-Uh... Jimbo? [gasps]
-[train horn blowing]

[babies cooing]

-Choo-choo!
-[chuckles]

[Staci] Jimbo's leaving with Jarreau!

No. No, no, no!
They're about to start the pageant!

[sighs] Jarreau McIntosh.

Templeton, you want to salvage
the dignity of this pageant?

More than anything ever.

They literally can't crown a new winner
without the crown.

-What new winner? Jimbo's gone too.
-Forget Jimbo.

Looks like I'm gonna have to win
this pageant myself...

-by delegating.
-Whoa!

-[yells, grunts]
-[babies babble]

Get that crown back, Templeton,
by any means necessary.

On it!

-[growls]
-[audience applauding, cheering]

Thank you, thank you. [laughs]

Oh, please, stop.
We're here for the babies.

They are the future. But not the present.
The present's still me.

Marsha Krinkle, Channel 8 News.
You all know me. Am I right?

I'm on billboards on the highway.

[laughing] But enough about me
for a few minutes.

Let's crown this year's Little Dumpling!
Come on! Yeah!

Let's see which of these happy,
bouncing babies

isn't attractive enough to continue.

My money's on you, overbite.

[growls]

-[cooing]
-[man] Aw!

-[audience] Aw!
-[giggles]

[squealing, babbling]

-[giggling]
-[audience] Aw!

[coughs]

Come on, Staci. Pull it together.

[giggles]

Second rounder.

Well, it ain't much,
but it's a step up from that kid.

[gurgles]

[buzzing]

As a reminder,
all babies are beautiful in their own way.

There are some we don't want
to look at anymore.

-The rest of you are moving on!
-[audience cheering]

[man] Wonderful! Congratulations!
You can still go to college.

Better get your head in the game, Stace.

You were one snot-blowing overbite kid
away from elimination.

-You won't get that lucky again.
-Sir, I told you,

-I don't even like this pageant!
-[monitor beeps]

I need to requisition
a makeover specialist, priority one.

Since when are you make-up specialists?

-We got a promotion.
-I draw pictures.

Makeover attack!

[grunting]

Huh?

Hmm...

[groans] Jarreau McIntosh.

-[rock music playing]
-[cooing]

We have a new plan. I'm going to take
Jarreau's crown, and then-- Ow!

-Sorry.
-That's okay. I just... Hey!

I meant, sorry,
you can't take Jarreau's crown.

-I'm his bodyguard.
-What?

Don't worry, Jarreau. [grunts]
I will never let anyone hurt you.

-Hi!
-I'm not trying to hurt Jarreau.

But if you take his crown,
he is gonna hurt, on the inside.

Give it! [growling]

[grunts, groans]

[both grunting]

What the...?

Run, Jarreau!

-[grunting] Oof!
-[Jimbo] Sorry, Tim. I'm so sorry!

[grunts, groans]

[Staci] Ow! Ow! Ow!

-Ta-da!
-[gasps] You're a vision.

-[shrieks]
-Um, maybe lose the stickers.

[all groan]

[Staci screaming]

-All right. Feel like a winner yet?
-Sir, I am a winner. I like to win.

Put me in a ball pit, and I will crawl out
right over Brayden's stupid face!

Give the executive summary.
Clock's ticking.

How am I supposed to win something
that's totally pointless?

Pointless? The point is baby love.

Win this pageant,

and you're the new face of babies
everywhere.

We need you, Staci.
Your company needs you.

Now, get out there
and you find the way to win.

-[babies cooing]
-[audience] Aw!

Ha! They think their reflection
is another baby.

Isn't that just so simple
and precious, folks?

-[all] Aw!
-Take a good look while you can, kids.

All glory fades.

[screams]

-[shrieks]
-[buzzer]

Mirror, mirror, on the floor,
show that kid the door. [laughs]

And just like that,
one more baby goes down.

Yes! Another lucky break.
Stay in this, Staci!

[cackles] Game on.

-[squeals]
-[whimpers]

-[audience gasps]
-[buzzing]

Whoa! Talk about a fall from grace!

[chuckles] Get it? Seriously,
someone check and see if that baby's okay.

Uh, maybe too far.

-[Tim grunting]
-[Jimbo] Look at him.

-That crown is all he's got.
-But we need it.

-We're supposed to be fixing the pageant.
-We need to fix Jarreau.

He's a broken baby. If he felt better,

-I bet he'd give you the crown.
-[sighs] Fine. How do we fix Jarreau?

Through open, constructive dialogue.

[blabbers incoherently]

-That's it. Let out all your feelings.
-You know I don't speak baby, right?

-I can translate.
-[continues blabbering]

[Jimbo] "I guess maybe
it all went wrong right after the pageant.

Mommy and Daddy bought me a new toy
as a reward for winning.

It was real shiny,
with a hand crank on the side.

I turned the crank... and bang!"

[cackling]

[Jimbo] "It spooked me so bad,
I decided life is short.

I gotta hold on to everything I've got,
you know?"

[blabbers incoherently]

"I'm not a bad baby. Just scared."

He said all that?

-I added some color.
-[blabbering continues]

Stupid jack-in-the-box.
I wish I could show it what's what.

[gasps] I think I know
how to help him give up that crown.

This next round will test how cute
these little nuggets can be

when faced with the unexpected.

A sour lemon.

Or, as they say in Sweden, a "sur citron."
I know facts. I'm a journalist.

[babies babbling]

Who keeps sugar straws in a diaper?

-[slurps, groans]
-[audience] Aw!

[whimpers]

[all] Aw!

-[sputters]
-[grunts, spits]

[Staci] Enjoy the sweetness, baby.

[Marsha gasps] Oh, my!

[all groan]

[burps]

-[buzzing]
-Guess not everything babies do is cute.

Tone it down!

[Marsha] And now, the singing competition.

[singing incoherently]

[audience] Aw!

-[singing incoherently]
-[mimics farting]

[all groan]

-Ugh!
-[buzzing]

Only three babies left.

Let's see what they're made of
in the dancing competition.

I was a triple threat back
in my sorority days. Dancing and math.

-[both giggling]
-[squealing]

-[sobbing]
-[buzzing]

-[woman] That baby!
-Why are they doing this?

-[monitor beeping]
-[gasps]

It's backfiring. The crowd is turning.
We're losing baby love.

And another one bites the dust.

Uh... oh.

[cooing, giggling]

[whispering] You're next.

-Staci.
-[fingers cracking]

Hey, I'm standing right here.

-Sorry, didn't see ya.
-You're not exactly helping the cause.

The whole point of this pageant
is to make people love babies.

Sir, you told me

I had to find a way to win, so I did,
by making everyone else lose.

You're worse than Jarreau McIntosh!

I am a winner! [grunting]

Staci!

Plan B is a disaster. We need a plan C.

-Whoa!
-[crashes]

Uh... maybe we let plan B ride it out.

[blabbering]

Is this a good idea?

If he can stand up to my jack-in-the-box,
he can conquer his fears.

Then he'll be all better
and give us the crown, right?

-[giggling]
-[music playing]

Easy. Don't get scared all over again.
[screaming]

[giggling]

He's not scared anymore.
Let's get that crown.

What now?

-[music playing]
-[giggling, blabbering]

I don't wanna say
this is what he just said, but...

it's possible the story was fake
and he just wanted a free jack-in-the-box.

[groans] Jarreau McIntosh, that is it!

Hold him down, Jimbo!
We are taking that crown!

It's not his fault!
He was a simple drummer!

He was unprepared
for this go-go celebrity lifestyle!

I was a baby when I won,
and I handled it fine. Look.

I'll show you
what a winner's supposed to be like.

Mom and Dad must've taken tons
of photos of my victory tour.

All the ceremonies and ribbon-cuttings.

-Hang on, I'll be right back.
-[dishes clattering]

-Hey, Timbo.
-Your baby brother still down for his nap?

Sure. Anyway, for no reason,
I was looking at my photo albums.

I can't find any pictures of when I won

-the Little Dumpling Pageant.
-Oh, Timmy,

I'm surprised you even remember us
telling you that.

-Total lie, by the way.
-What?

Oh, yeah. You never even made it out
of the first round.

-You were so excited.
-[baby burps]

You kept gulping down bottle
after bottle after bottle.

And when you toddled out on that stage...

-it all came back up.
-[stomach rumbling]

-[Tim vomiting]
-[all gasp]

They called you "Spit-uppleton."

[both laugh]

Oh, pretty funny name. But also, cruel.

-Pageant parents are monsters.
-We didn't want it to scar you,

so we called you
our own champion Little Dumpling.

-Even made you a tiny toilet paper crown.
-Why would you do that?

-I've been living a lie!
-Sorry, Tim. I guess we're your parents.

No matter what happens,

we want you to feel like a winner
because you are a winner.

[chuckles] I mean, not in the pageant,
obviously. [mimics vomiting]

[laughs] Just more of being
the best Tim Templeton in the whole world.

-I gotta go.
-My spoon!

-[music playing]
-[giggling]

Jarreau,
I've learned in the last few minutes

that the crown doesn't mean anything.

What matters is what makes you
feel like a winner. So...

what makes Jarreau McIntosh
feel like a winner?

[blabbers]

-[rock music playing]
-[giggling]

What do you say?

-Ready to pass on that crown?
-[coos]

-[laughs]
-Take care of Jarreau.

-I'll run the crown back.
-[Marsha] It's the final finger paint-off!

Can you feel the excitement
and lack of actual artistic talent, folks?

-We got the crown. How's it going?
-Staci's winning,

but she's gone full McIntosh!

[Boss Baby gasps] She's got glue!

Don't do it, Staci.

Staci, freeze!
I know you can hear me, Staci.

I learned several minutes ago
the crown doesn't mean anything.

What matters is what makes you
feel like a winner.

-Good speech.
-I practiced.

She sure is a little something.

[cooing]

[whimpering]

-[all gasp, groan]
-[man] Oh, wow.

-[buzzing]
-[chuckling]

[man] This pageant is the worst!

I can't be expected to reward this, right?
Judges?

-[man] Nah.
-Right on. Well, I think we can all agree,

if there's one thing we've learned
from this pageant,

it's that babies are disgusting, clumsy,
mucus-filled disasters.

But I guess this girl in the tutu
is somehow the least disgusting.

Probably. Whatever.

So, by default,
your Little Dumpling winner is...

Uh... Jimbo... Jimbosdad!

[audience murmuring]

Okay, then.
Do we have a crown for this kid?

No, no, no, no, no! [gasps]

[crying]

-No.
-Don't make it worse, Staci.

[crying continues]

Honey, call the police.

[audience applauding] Aw!

[giggles]

[laughs]

[babies giggling, cooing]

The stuff I said worked!
I'm a real winner! Finally!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Brilliant, Staci!
I've never felt so much baby love.

This couldn't get any better.

[rock music playing]

It's Jarreau McIntosh! [screams, laughs]

Why did we ever make babies compete
against each other?

We're awful! This pageant is awful!

By the power vested in me
as a celebrity with a microphone,

I hereby declare this pageant
canceled forever.

All babies are winners.
Or, at least, most. Some.

Jimbo, you've proven that you can
never be left unsupervised.

-Yay! I will always have a friend.
-Templeton, on the other hand,

-way to drive it home.
-[chuckles]

I'm sorry, did I hear you say,
"Tim saved the day"?

Well, Tim and whatever brought on
your emotional 180.

Honestly, Staci, I've never seen you
display so much heart. Or any.

Pssh!

What heart? I told you I wanted
the pageant shut down, and I shut it down.

Don't... ever... cross... me!

Next year, bare-knuckle baby free-for-all!

Ring the bell, Brayden!

-I'm just glad she's on our side.
-I'm still scared.

[theme song playing]

♪ Boss Baby ♪