The Boondocks (2005–2014): Season 2, Episode 15 - The Uncle Ruckus Reality Show - full transcript
In the wake of Huey's failed protest against the network, BET's Harvard-educated programming chief, Weggie Rudlin, is moving ahead with his promise to create The Uncle Ruckus Reality Show.
[♪♪♪]
Everyone, it's Thursday.
So it's time for
our Monday staff meeting.
My name is Weggie Rudlin.
I'm the new super-duper smart,
Harvard-educated president
of entertainment at BET.
MAN: Yep.
Do you know why
I was given this job?
You're super-duper smart.
Yes. But why?
Because you went
to Harvard.
Yes. But why would they want
a super-duper smart guy
who went to Harvard
to run BET?
MAN:
I know.
[TYPING]
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
Because it's time to take BET
in a new direction.
Remember the first day
I showed up, I asked,
"What's your highest-rated
program?"
And you guys said:
106 & Park with AJ and Free.
Yes.
MAN: Yep.
And I said,
"Great. Fire them." Why?
Because what you call success,
Weggie Rudlin calls failure.
And vice versa.
See, when people ask me,
have I made BET a success,
I say no.
[SNORING]
It's time to redefine success.
Because once you
embrace failure,
you can't go anywhere
else but up.
That's a business theory
taught at Harvard
called "negative elevation."
Now, I may be going a too fast,
but I'm happy to
slow it down.
Are there any questions?
Is it true
that you put a ban
on two- and three-syllable
words, man?
Good question. Yes.
Our research says
we need to be focusing
on the monosyllabic
demographic.
I believe lots of syllables
confuses our viewers.
Especially those in the South.
I've got a question.
Of course.
You didn't go to Harvard.
Do you have any experience
running a network?
Okay, see now.
You're a hater.
You're fired,
so get on out of here.
But I haven't been paid
in three months.
This is basically
volunteer work for me.
Oh. Well. Quiet down,
so the rest of us who are
getting paid
can work, thank you.
MAN:
You're the Harvard man.
Okay. I would like everyone
to please
look under their chairs.
You will find a copy
of the Black Panther comic book
that I wrote.
Please read it carefully.
This is the super-cool stuff
we'll be doing at BET
from now on.
Chicken. Are you kidding me?
That's your complimentary lunch.
And the orange is
your new health care plan.
Antioxidants.
Very important. Wait.
Nope, nope, nope.
You don't get any.
You are fired.
Okay, let's talk about
some new shows.
As you know, we're starting
BET Animation.
Here's what I wanna see.
I'm thinking rappers.
Young M.C. roller skating.
Edginess. He's going too fast.
His brakes don't work.
We'll get Tone Loc
to do the voice. Okay, hm...
How about an animated version
of Hamburglar?
He's a hungry thug.
It's gritty, like The Wire.
He does a drive-by
on Burger King.
McDonald's can co-finance.
We'll call it, Beef.
Wait a minute.
I'm seeing a Flintstones thing
happening here.
Dino could be a rottweiler,
maybe a pit bull.
Instead of Bedrock,
we're in Africa.
We're keeping it real.
You got that?
Got it, Weggie.
All right. Next stop: reality.
The Ruckus Reality Show.
I'm digging it,
I'm feeling it.
It's what's good.
Let's do that show.
Wait a minute.
Is this the show about the black
man who hates black people?
I hear that tone.
The head of Viacom personally
asked me to make this show.
He was being sarcastic.
No! Excuse me!
Which one of us
went to Harvard, huh?
Did you go to Harvard?
You think you understand
white humor more than me?
You know, what? Shush.
You don't even
work here anymore.
Now, the rest of you,
get a crew.
Get out someone crossing--
Wherever that guy's from.
And let's make
The Uncle Ruckus Show happen.
[♪♪♪]
♪ I am the stone
The builder refused ♪
♪ I am the visual
The inspiration ♪
♪ That made lady
Sing the blues ♪
♪ I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright ♪
♪ The same spark
That lights the dark ♪
♪ So that you can know
Left from right ♪
♪ I am the ballot in your box
The bullet in the gun ♪
♪ The inner glow
That lets you know ♪
♪ To call your brother sun ♪
♪ The story that just begun ♪
♪ The promise
Of what's to come ♪
♪ And I'm 'a remain a soldier ♪
♪ Till the war is won
Won ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪
[♪♪♪]
[BUZZES]
RUCKUS:
I wake up at a quarter to 5
in the a.m. every morning.
That's about 12 hours
before most niggas wake up.
[SNICKERS]
I am a very spiritual person.
I start each day by thanking
the white man for the sunrise.
For the land I walk on.
For the air I breathe.
I also apologize for niggas.
But Lord knows they ain't gonna
apologize for themselves.
I am not black. Nor do I
consider myself to be black.
Many people mistake me
for being Negro
because they don't know
that I am currently living
with the heartbreak
of revitiligo.
That's a skin condition
that's the opposite
of what Michael Jackson's got.
Every morning, I apply
the topical ointment
made of bleach and sulfur.
I like to think it works.
Luckily, I hadn't gotten much
darker in the last few years.
As you can see here, I enjoy
building small shrines
to certain special white people
who are important in my life.
This one here is dedicated
to John Wayne.
Great white man.
Didn't take no shit from
niggas, Injuns, nor Mexicans.
And this one here is for
George Bush the first.
Loved him.
Now, this one here
is dedicated
to the most soulful
soul singer to ever live.
[♪♪♪]
Yeah, I work about 32 jobs
over the course of a week.
I think it's interesting
I got 32 jobs
when most niggas say
they can't find one.
[LAUGHS]
Uh, niggas.
And one of the great
pleasures of my day
is taking all these pretty
little white children to school
in the morning.
Hey, there--
Move out of my way, fat boy.
I keep the bus nice
and clean for 'em.
These kids-- Oh, excuse me,
excuse me--
Oh, hello there,
Miss Matheson--
Whatever.
How is my little sunshine?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold it right there.
Hey, man, stop.
Where's the gun, huh?
Where's the gun?
Go on, get.
Get. Get out of here.
Go do your little
hyphy-phyphy dances
and nigga monkey shuffle
somewhere else.
This here bus is for
kids with a future.
That's right. That's right.
Get your lazy asses
some exercise.
Y'all should just
go be rappers.
Get into a beef and then
shoot each other.
[CACKLES]
Desegregation ruined
the American school system.
When did test scores
across the country drop?
After desegregation.
When did drug use and violence
in schools go up?
After desegregation.
There were never no white kids
shooting up nothing
before they started going
to school with niggas.
These little angels wouldn't
even know what a gun was.
[ALL YELLING]
The white man is
a peace-loving man.
People say the key to fixing
the problems of Negroes
is education.
But I say education
is not the answer.
Why bother?
And what do niggas do
in college anyway?
Oh, they go there. They party.
Get drunk for four, five years,
and end up just as ignorant
as when they came in.
You ever seen these nigga
fraternities and sororities?
You ever seen these things?
Silliest shit I ever seen
in my life.
You think Aristotle turned
to Achilles and said:
"Hey, let's create a fraternity
and jump up and down,
barking like dogs"?
Hell no.
White man out there
getting Nobel Prizes
and doing business deals
in the fraternities.
Niggas jumping up and down
with candy canes,
and doing all kinds of silly
shit with their hands.
People say there's no
difference between the races.
Well, I'll tell you what,
I've been cleaning
bathrooms for a long time.
And I can say...white-man shit
just don't smell the same
as black African shit.
See, the white man just got
a better liver.
White man eats his meat raw.
See, that's healthier.
He calls it tartare.
Well, how you doing
this fine day?
[SCREAMS]
May I say your dookie smells
like sparkling ice water.
Jesus!
With a twist of lime.
See. That's why he don't have
to wash his hands neither.
Yes, sir. White man
has impeccable hygiene.
Hey, there,
little mulatto girl.
You waiting on
your daddy?
Yes.
[LAUGHS]
Guess she talking about
her daddy, Tom.
He married to a white woman.
Lucky son of a bitch.
There he is.
[TIRES SQUEAL]
[BREATHLESSLY]
Sorry I'm late, pumpkin.
[SNICKERS]
Lord have mercy. Tom,
is you wearing a skirt?
This isn't a skirt, Ruckus.
It's a kilt.
[IN SCOTTISH ACCENT]
It's part of my Scottish
heritage.
Now, you stop that
right now.
That's blasphemy
against Mel Gibson
and the proud
Scottish people.
Mel Gibson isn't Scottish.
Hush your mouth.
The Scottish man
deserves better
than you making a mockery
of his history.
But, Ruckus, I am
part Scottish.
Thirty two point five
percent, actually.
I just found out. I took
one of those tests
where they trace
your DNA
and tell you your exact
ethnic makeup.
It's fun. You should try it.
You 30 percent Scottish?
Black as you is?
[LAUGHING]
I know.
Is this a white
doctor or a darky
that gave you this test?
Mm, not that
it matters,
but, yes,
he was white.
Well, hell,
that's all you had to say.
A white doctor is
99.9 percent reliable.
Black doctor is an oxymoron.
Unless it's a witch doctor.
[SNICKERS]
Well, well, well. Who knows?
Maybe I'll take me
one of them tests.
I mean, why should Alex Haley
be the only person to discover
their roots, you know?
[CHUCKLES]
Huh?
I'm-- I'm sorry. Alex what?
You know. Alex Haley. Roots.
What is that,
some kind of gardening show?
You're joking, right?
Roots. You know, Roots.
Uh-- I-- I don't follow you.
Roots. Roots. Roots.
You've never heard
of Roots?
The miniseries?
Come here, honey.
Hold-- Hold on, here.
[CHANTS]
Roots.
I don't know nothing
about what you talking about.
Now, the first thing
you should know about me
is that I have
a case of the revitiligo.
It's the opposite of
what Michael Jackson got.
No, see, I'm not
that kind of doctor.
I'm more of a scientist
or a technician.
We can trace
genetic markers
to different regions
of the world
and know exactly
what your makeup is.
Well, don't let this here
outer shell fool you.
I'm as white
as they come.
My favorite movies are
Gone with the Wind
and Notting Hill.
[♪♪♪]
WEGGIE:
Mistress Lee'vil,
remember when you
asked us
for a way to destroy
the minds of black children
at an even younger age?
Oh, sure.
Well, you'll be happy to know
that I started BET Animation
to do just that.
Splendid. Oh, I love cartoons.
Especially evil ones.
Yeah. Mistress Lee'vil.
We have a kids show coming on
called Super Cyborg
Mandingo Man. Yeah.
We go there.
He's an African warrior.
Yes, yes. Get to
the evil part.
Well, maybe I should just
show you.
We have the pilot.
What's that, the script?
Actually, we spent all our money
on the Vin Diesel show.
Oh, my God,
he's so awesome.
So we got to do this one
with a flip book.
Hm. Well, it certainly
is incompetent.
But we're missing something.
What are we missing, people?
A budget?
Uh, yes, but no.
Talent?
Yes, but no.
A work ethic?
Pride?
Self-respect?
What network do you
work for?
BET.
And what does that
stand for?
Black Entertainment--
No!
Black Evil Television.
It's not enough
that the shows are bad.
They have to be evil as well.
Send in my evil henchmen!
These are my evil henchmen:
Big Nigga and Crazy Bitch.
Big Nigga, Crazy Bitch,
teach this person the meaning
of black and evil.
[BOTH GASP]
Oh no, this mizzle didn't.
No. Mistress
Lee'vil, please.
We'll make it more
evil, I promise.
Oh. Hell, no, this
motherfucker gonna--
[SCREAMS]
Weggie, please! Save me!
[SCREAMING]
[HUMS]
[HOWLS]
[SNICKERS]
[SCREAMING]
Ah-- Ah--
LEE'VIL: Mr. Weggie Rudlin.
Ah-- Huh?
This Uncle Ruckus show,
how's it going?
Uh...great. F-fantastic.
Is it evil?
Oh, absolutely.
I hope so, Weggie...
for your sake.
[♪♪♪]
Because if it's
not evil, then,
you know what's gonna happen.
And by "happen," I mean
you'll be killed,
or at least
very seriously injured.
So-- So, you know,
just make sure it's evil.
Ah. Here it is.
My test results. Can you hear
my heart beating?
Oh, the white-man science
is amazing, ain't it?
[♪♪♪]
Oh, no. N--
Th-- This--
This can't be.
It says, I'm 102 percent
African.
With a 2 percent
margin of error.
Why, Lord?
Why, Lord, why?
[CACKLES]
RUCKUS:
I got something
for a fraternity
of niggas:
a fraternity of bananas
up a tree.
[BARKS, CACKLING]
WEGGIE: Bananas.
Black fraternities should have
an African name.
Like Boogie, Boogie.
WEGGIE: Black fraternity.
Boogie, Boogie, Boogie.
Hey, I got a black
fraternity for you:
It's called prison.
Jail-Phi-Jail, nigga.
You know--
Jail-Phi-Jail.
[DOOR OPENS]
Mr. Rudlin,
there's a problem
on the Ruckus shoot.
MAN:
What's the problem?
He hasn't gotten out of bed
in three days.
He got some bad test results
or something.
[WEGGIE SQUAWKING OVER PHONE]
Yes. Yes.
Yes, I know you went
to Harvard. Yeah.
Okay. He said
just keep filming.
[SIGHS]
Well, I'm black now.
So the first thing I did
was quit all my jobs.
[SIGHS]
I don't know how
I'm supposed to pay the bills.
Probably have to start
selling crack.
Or rapping. Or rapping
about selling crack.
You know, I might not even
have revitiligo.
[SIGHS]
Okay, I'm black.
What am I supposed to do now?
So this is it, huh?
Is this what you do all day?
Sit there
reading books
that make you think better
of yourself, huh?
Black man can't get
nowhere
with his little
pecan-sized mind.
So now you can read.
Now what?
What you gonna do now?
[SIGHS]
[LAUGHING]
Oh, uh-huh.
Nothing. That's what
I thought.
You know why?
'Cause we niggas. Both of us.
And that's--
[SOBBING]
And that's all
we ever gonna be.
That's all we ever gonna be.
So this is what
I have to look forward to
as a black man, huh?
Just sitting around,
playing PlayStation
all day.
[GROWLS]
Waiting for the next
Madden to come out.
Maybe I should go out
and put rims...
Oh.
...and all kinds of goofy
shit on my truck.
[♪♪♪]
RUCKUS:
Oh, we probably gonna die
any second now
from one of these conditions
and diseases that niggas get.
You name it:
diabetes, gout,
high blood pressure,
asthma, sickle cell--
Oh, Ruckus, stop.
This is all in your damn head.
You the exact same fool
you were last week.
You were black then,
you're black now,
and you're gonna be
black tomorrow.
Ain't nothing wrong
with being black.
If you give it a chance,
you might actually
like it. Mm-hm.
Ruckus, what are
we doing here?
Well, this is what
niggas do, right?
Buy sneakers. Then, maybe later
we'll buy loud stereos
and berate women
in rap lyrics.
Is this the kind of shit
you niggas put on your feet
nowadays?
This look like a damn
astronaut shoe.
I'm black. I'm not walking
to the moon.
I'm walking to
the liquor store.
GRANDDAD:
Ruckus, stop. Come on, man.
RUCKUS:
LeBron James. Allen Iverson.
Can I get a shoe named
after a white man, please?
Excuse me. Ahem. Darky
in the zebra shirt.
Could I get a Bruce
Jenner sneaker?
Man, to hell
with this bullshit.
You on your own.
I'm not leaving here
till I get me a shoe
named after a white man.
John Stockton. "Pistol" Pete
Maravich. Anybody.
MAN 1:
I ain't saying I like
the Democrats. I don't.
But they sure as hell don't
know what the fuck they doin'.
The Republicans? They done
fucked the country to hell.
MAN 2:
They sure did.
BARBER:
Nigga, just look at Iraq.
President over there
killing black folk.
MAN 2:
Mm-hm. They black.
Huh. I wish they'd
send me to Iraq.
I'd tell motherfucking Bush
to kiss my black ass.
Now, that's enough.
Time out, Negroes.
Time out.
I can't sit here and let y'all
badmouth my president.
Did any of y'all niggas
hear the president
when he said Iraq was central
to the global war on terror?
Or did y'all miss it because
he wasn't speaking in baboon?
[GIBBERS]
Instead of sitting around here
chopping the Brillo
off each other's
heads,
y'all should've take
your black asses to Iraq
and help fight
for our freedom.
A little more off
the sides, please.
Whoa-- Whoa-- Whoa--
Whoa...
[GROWLS]
Damn gorilla terrorists.
[♪♪♪]
Just what is going on?
Why have you kidnapped me?
And now, doctor,
we will discuss
your methods of DNA testing.
[CHUCKLES]
No. Please. No!
WEGGIE:
Shit! Why does this
always happen
when we try to use the goddamn
torture machine?!
Can somebody please
get the power back on
so we can use
the torture machine?
MAN:
I think someone forgot
to pay the bill, Weggie.
WEGGIE:
Will someone pay
the fucking bill?!
♪ The dark brown shades
Of my skin ♪
♪ All that color
To my tears ♪
[GROANS]
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ That splash against
My hollow bones ♪
[GRUMBLES]
♪ That rocks my soul ♪
[GRUNTS]
What hath God wrought?
♪ Looking back over
My false dreams ♪
[CRYING]
[MEN GUFFAWING]
MAN: Yeah, yeah. Beat his ass.
Will you niggas please
shut the hell up.
I'm trying to watch
this piece-of-shit movie.
[SIGHS]
[GROANS]
[SCREAMS, CRIES]
♪ Somebody tell me
What can I do? ♪
[GRUNTS]
Ruckus, no!
What the hell
are you guys doing?
You were gonna let him
kill hisself?
You said just
keep filming, so--
He's the star!
You're gonna let the star
commit suicide?
But it's...reality.
I mean--
It's The Uncle
Ruckus Show.
If there's no Uncle Ruckus,
there's no show.
Oh, so from now on,
we're supposed to stop him
if he attempts
to commit suicide?
Yes. And I shouldn't
have to tell you that.
[CHOKING]
You should just know it.
Oh, shit.
[GAGGING]
Great. That's great.
That's just great.
[COUGHING]
Ah, what's the point?
What's the point in living?
There's nothing to
look forward to.
Just a life of rap music
and 40 ounces.
What I'm supposed to
do now, huh?
Be somebody
baby daddy?
Hang out on the corner
all day and night
shooting dice, cops chasing me
all the time.
My body ain't made
to handle a stun gun.
Ain't got but two or three shows
on TV to identify with.
Ruckus, you make
a very compelling argument.
But I know that you're
gonna get through this.
Ha. Is this what
I'm supposed
to be reading now,
huh, this?
Vibe? The Source? Jet?
You call this
a magazine?
Look at this.
This is a pamphlet.
"Field & Scream."
National Review.
Soldier of Fortune.
Those are magazines.
This is a brochure.
Ebony. They should call
this National Geographic,
except the photos are better.
Essence. Essence of what?
Essence of ugliness.
Ruckus, we have a saying at BET:
"We hate black people."
And I know you share
that same sentiment.
But I've learned how I can
use my blackness
against the black race.
Look at BET.
You think we put
this shit on the air
because it's entertaining?
You think we
sit down and say:
"Hey, let's be
entertaining.
How about a Baldwin Hills
reality show?"
I have good taste.
Gregory Hines is entertaining.
Sammy Davis Jr.,
he's entertaining.
You think I can
relate to anything
these young niggas
have to say?
No. We air this shit because
we despise our audience.
Are there other ways
to make money?
Yes, of course.
Yes, yes, yes.
But they all require more work.
This is easy.
And the only people who suffer--
The only people
who suffer, Ruckus...
are black children.
I think we both
can live with that.
Weggie Rudlin, you sure
do have profound insights.
But I don't know. I--
I just don't think
I can stand life as a darky.
[DOOR OPENS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Aha! It's you!
You did this to me.
You gave me that test.
Yes, I know.
And I came because
there was a mistake
at the lab.
We had a black intern there
I didn't know about.
He...messed up
your test.
Here are
your actual results.
Well, I'll be.
[MURMURING]
[GASPS]
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
How dare you mistakenly inform
a man of his blackness.
You should be ashamed
to call yourself a white doctor.
I'm...uh, sorry.
See, Ruckus. You were
worried about nothing.
Well, Weggie,
I must say,
for a darky,
you are not
that difficult
to hang around.
Now, you said you learned
all that stuff in Harvard?
Well, I definitely didn't
learn it at one of those
historically
black colleges.
[LAUGHS]
[BOTH CACKLING]
Howard.
Black college.
Morehouse. They ought
to call it Lesshouse.
Oh, it sure feel good
to be white again.
[♪♪♪]
I'll tell you what.
Living even for a few days
as a black man
gave old Uncle Ruckus a whole
new perspective on life.
And a whole lot more sympathy
towards colored folks,
I'll tell you that.
Oh, look what
we have here.
Yo, for real. We not trying
to play with you today, Ruckus.
We're trying to
cross the street.
Well, go right ahead.
You young brothers
have a blessed day.
Assalamu alaikam.
[WHISTLES]
[TRUCK HORN HONKS]
Whoa--! Whoa--! Whoa!
[RUCKUS CACKLING]
[♪♪♪]
Everyone, it's Thursday.
So it's time for
our Monday staff meeting.
My name is Weggie Rudlin.
I'm the new super-duper smart,
Harvard-educated president
of entertainment at BET.
MAN: Yep.
Do you know why
I was given this job?
You're super-duper smart.
Yes. But why?
Because you went
to Harvard.
Yes. But why would they want
a super-duper smart guy
who went to Harvard
to run BET?
MAN:
I know.
[TYPING]
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
Because it's time to take BET
in a new direction.
Remember the first day
I showed up, I asked,
"What's your highest-rated
program?"
And you guys said:
106 & Park with AJ and Free.
Yes.
MAN: Yep.
And I said,
"Great. Fire them." Why?
Because what you call success,
Weggie Rudlin calls failure.
And vice versa.
See, when people ask me,
have I made BET a success,
I say no.
[SNORING]
It's time to redefine success.
Because once you
embrace failure,
you can't go anywhere
else but up.
That's a business theory
taught at Harvard
called "negative elevation."
Now, I may be going a too fast,
but I'm happy to
slow it down.
Are there any questions?
Is it true
that you put a ban
on two- and three-syllable
words, man?
Good question. Yes.
Our research says
we need to be focusing
on the monosyllabic
demographic.
I believe lots of syllables
confuses our viewers.
Especially those in the South.
I've got a question.
Of course.
You didn't go to Harvard.
Do you have any experience
running a network?
Okay, see now.
You're a hater.
You're fired,
so get on out of here.
But I haven't been paid
in three months.
This is basically
volunteer work for me.
Oh. Well. Quiet down,
so the rest of us who are
getting paid
can work, thank you.
MAN:
You're the Harvard man.
Okay. I would like everyone
to please
look under their chairs.
You will find a copy
of the Black Panther comic book
that I wrote.
Please read it carefully.
This is the super-cool stuff
we'll be doing at BET
from now on.
Chicken. Are you kidding me?
That's your complimentary lunch.
And the orange is
your new health care plan.
Antioxidants.
Very important. Wait.
Nope, nope, nope.
You don't get any.
You are fired.
Okay, let's talk about
some new shows.
As you know, we're starting
BET Animation.
Here's what I wanna see.
I'm thinking rappers.
Young M.C. roller skating.
Edginess. He's going too fast.
His brakes don't work.
We'll get Tone Loc
to do the voice. Okay, hm...
How about an animated version
of Hamburglar?
He's a hungry thug.
It's gritty, like The Wire.
He does a drive-by
on Burger King.
McDonald's can co-finance.
We'll call it, Beef.
Wait a minute.
I'm seeing a Flintstones thing
happening here.
Dino could be a rottweiler,
maybe a pit bull.
Instead of Bedrock,
we're in Africa.
We're keeping it real.
You got that?
Got it, Weggie.
All right. Next stop: reality.
The Ruckus Reality Show.
I'm digging it,
I'm feeling it.
It's what's good.
Let's do that show.
Wait a minute.
Is this the show about the black
man who hates black people?
I hear that tone.
The head of Viacom personally
asked me to make this show.
He was being sarcastic.
No! Excuse me!
Which one of us
went to Harvard, huh?
Did you go to Harvard?
You think you understand
white humor more than me?
You know, what? Shush.
You don't even
work here anymore.
Now, the rest of you,
get a crew.
Get out someone crossing--
Wherever that guy's from.
And let's make
The Uncle Ruckus Show happen.
[♪♪♪]
♪ I am the stone
The builder refused ♪
♪ I am the visual
The inspiration ♪
♪ That made lady
Sing the blues ♪
♪ I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright ♪
♪ The same spark
That lights the dark ♪
♪ So that you can know
Left from right ♪
♪ I am the ballot in your box
The bullet in the gun ♪
♪ The inner glow
That lets you know ♪
♪ To call your brother sun ♪
♪ The story that just begun ♪
♪ The promise
Of what's to come ♪
♪ And I'm 'a remain a soldier ♪
♪ Till the war is won
Won ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪
[♪♪♪]
[BUZZES]
RUCKUS:
I wake up at a quarter to 5
in the a.m. every morning.
That's about 12 hours
before most niggas wake up.
[SNICKERS]
I am a very spiritual person.
I start each day by thanking
the white man for the sunrise.
For the land I walk on.
For the air I breathe.
I also apologize for niggas.
But Lord knows they ain't gonna
apologize for themselves.
I am not black. Nor do I
consider myself to be black.
Many people mistake me
for being Negro
because they don't know
that I am currently living
with the heartbreak
of revitiligo.
That's a skin condition
that's the opposite
of what Michael Jackson's got.
Every morning, I apply
the topical ointment
made of bleach and sulfur.
I like to think it works.
Luckily, I hadn't gotten much
darker in the last few years.
As you can see here, I enjoy
building small shrines
to certain special white people
who are important in my life.
This one here is dedicated
to John Wayne.
Great white man.
Didn't take no shit from
niggas, Injuns, nor Mexicans.
And this one here is for
George Bush the first.
Loved him.
Now, this one here
is dedicated
to the most soulful
soul singer to ever live.
[♪♪♪]
Yeah, I work about 32 jobs
over the course of a week.
I think it's interesting
I got 32 jobs
when most niggas say
they can't find one.
[LAUGHS]
Uh, niggas.
And one of the great
pleasures of my day
is taking all these pretty
little white children to school
in the morning.
Hey, there--
Move out of my way, fat boy.
I keep the bus nice
and clean for 'em.
These kids-- Oh, excuse me,
excuse me--
Oh, hello there,
Miss Matheson--
Whatever.
How is my little sunshine?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold it right there.
Hey, man, stop.
Where's the gun, huh?
Where's the gun?
Go on, get.
Get. Get out of here.
Go do your little
hyphy-phyphy dances
and nigga monkey shuffle
somewhere else.
This here bus is for
kids with a future.
That's right. That's right.
Get your lazy asses
some exercise.
Y'all should just
go be rappers.
Get into a beef and then
shoot each other.
[CACKLES]
Desegregation ruined
the American school system.
When did test scores
across the country drop?
After desegregation.
When did drug use and violence
in schools go up?
After desegregation.
There were never no white kids
shooting up nothing
before they started going
to school with niggas.
These little angels wouldn't
even know what a gun was.
[ALL YELLING]
The white man is
a peace-loving man.
People say the key to fixing
the problems of Negroes
is education.
But I say education
is not the answer.
Why bother?
And what do niggas do
in college anyway?
Oh, they go there. They party.
Get drunk for four, five years,
and end up just as ignorant
as when they came in.
You ever seen these nigga
fraternities and sororities?
You ever seen these things?
Silliest shit I ever seen
in my life.
You think Aristotle turned
to Achilles and said:
"Hey, let's create a fraternity
and jump up and down,
barking like dogs"?
Hell no.
White man out there
getting Nobel Prizes
and doing business deals
in the fraternities.
Niggas jumping up and down
with candy canes,
and doing all kinds of silly
shit with their hands.
People say there's no
difference between the races.
Well, I'll tell you what,
I've been cleaning
bathrooms for a long time.
And I can say...white-man shit
just don't smell the same
as black African shit.
See, the white man just got
a better liver.
White man eats his meat raw.
See, that's healthier.
He calls it tartare.
Well, how you doing
this fine day?
[SCREAMS]
May I say your dookie smells
like sparkling ice water.
Jesus!
With a twist of lime.
See. That's why he don't have
to wash his hands neither.
Yes, sir. White man
has impeccable hygiene.
Hey, there,
little mulatto girl.
You waiting on
your daddy?
Yes.
[LAUGHS]
Guess she talking about
her daddy, Tom.
He married to a white woman.
Lucky son of a bitch.
There he is.
[TIRES SQUEAL]
[BREATHLESSLY]
Sorry I'm late, pumpkin.
[SNICKERS]
Lord have mercy. Tom,
is you wearing a skirt?
This isn't a skirt, Ruckus.
It's a kilt.
[IN SCOTTISH ACCENT]
It's part of my Scottish
heritage.
Now, you stop that
right now.
That's blasphemy
against Mel Gibson
and the proud
Scottish people.
Mel Gibson isn't Scottish.
Hush your mouth.
The Scottish man
deserves better
than you making a mockery
of his history.
But, Ruckus, I am
part Scottish.
Thirty two point five
percent, actually.
I just found out. I took
one of those tests
where they trace
your DNA
and tell you your exact
ethnic makeup.
It's fun. You should try it.
You 30 percent Scottish?
Black as you is?
[LAUGHING]
I know.
Is this a white
doctor or a darky
that gave you this test?
Mm, not that
it matters,
but, yes,
he was white.
Well, hell,
that's all you had to say.
A white doctor is
99.9 percent reliable.
Black doctor is an oxymoron.
Unless it's a witch doctor.
[SNICKERS]
Well, well, well. Who knows?
Maybe I'll take me
one of them tests.
I mean, why should Alex Haley
be the only person to discover
their roots, you know?
[CHUCKLES]
Huh?
I'm-- I'm sorry. Alex what?
You know. Alex Haley. Roots.
What is that,
some kind of gardening show?
You're joking, right?
Roots. You know, Roots.
Uh-- I-- I don't follow you.
Roots. Roots. Roots.
You've never heard
of Roots?
The miniseries?
Come here, honey.
Hold-- Hold on, here.
[CHANTS]
Roots.
I don't know nothing
about what you talking about.
Now, the first thing
you should know about me
is that I have
a case of the revitiligo.
It's the opposite of
what Michael Jackson got.
No, see, I'm not
that kind of doctor.
I'm more of a scientist
or a technician.
We can trace
genetic markers
to different regions
of the world
and know exactly
what your makeup is.
Well, don't let this here
outer shell fool you.
I'm as white
as they come.
My favorite movies are
Gone with the Wind
and Notting Hill.
[♪♪♪]
WEGGIE:
Mistress Lee'vil,
remember when you
asked us
for a way to destroy
the minds of black children
at an even younger age?
Oh, sure.
Well, you'll be happy to know
that I started BET Animation
to do just that.
Splendid. Oh, I love cartoons.
Especially evil ones.
Yeah. Mistress Lee'vil.
We have a kids show coming on
called Super Cyborg
Mandingo Man. Yeah.
We go there.
He's an African warrior.
Yes, yes. Get to
the evil part.
Well, maybe I should just
show you.
We have the pilot.
What's that, the script?
Actually, we spent all our money
on the Vin Diesel show.
Oh, my God,
he's so awesome.
So we got to do this one
with a flip book.
Hm. Well, it certainly
is incompetent.
But we're missing something.
What are we missing, people?
A budget?
Uh, yes, but no.
Talent?
Yes, but no.
A work ethic?
Pride?
Self-respect?
What network do you
work for?
BET.
And what does that
stand for?
Black Entertainment--
No!
Black Evil Television.
It's not enough
that the shows are bad.
They have to be evil as well.
Send in my evil henchmen!
These are my evil henchmen:
Big Nigga and Crazy Bitch.
Big Nigga, Crazy Bitch,
teach this person the meaning
of black and evil.
[BOTH GASP]
Oh no, this mizzle didn't.
No. Mistress
Lee'vil, please.
We'll make it more
evil, I promise.
Oh. Hell, no, this
motherfucker gonna--
[SCREAMS]
Weggie, please! Save me!
[SCREAMING]
[HUMS]
[HOWLS]
[SNICKERS]
[SCREAMING]
Ah-- Ah--
LEE'VIL: Mr. Weggie Rudlin.
Ah-- Huh?
This Uncle Ruckus show,
how's it going?
Uh...great. F-fantastic.
Is it evil?
Oh, absolutely.
I hope so, Weggie...
for your sake.
[♪♪♪]
Because if it's
not evil, then,
you know what's gonna happen.
And by "happen," I mean
you'll be killed,
or at least
very seriously injured.
So-- So, you know,
just make sure it's evil.
Ah. Here it is.
My test results. Can you hear
my heart beating?
Oh, the white-man science
is amazing, ain't it?
[♪♪♪]
Oh, no. N--
Th-- This--
This can't be.
It says, I'm 102 percent
African.
With a 2 percent
margin of error.
Why, Lord?
Why, Lord, why?
[CACKLES]
RUCKUS:
I got something
for a fraternity
of niggas:
a fraternity of bananas
up a tree.
[BARKS, CACKLING]
WEGGIE: Bananas.
Black fraternities should have
an African name.
Like Boogie, Boogie.
WEGGIE: Black fraternity.
Boogie, Boogie, Boogie.
Hey, I got a black
fraternity for you:
It's called prison.
Jail-Phi-Jail, nigga.
You know--
Jail-Phi-Jail.
[DOOR OPENS]
Mr. Rudlin,
there's a problem
on the Ruckus shoot.
MAN:
What's the problem?
He hasn't gotten out of bed
in three days.
He got some bad test results
or something.
[WEGGIE SQUAWKING OVER PHONE]
Yes. Yes.
Yes, I know you went
to Harvard. Yeah.
Okay. He said
just keep filming.
[SIGHS]
Well, I'm black now.
So the first thing I did
was quit all my jobs.
[SIGHS]
I don't know how
I'm supposed to pay the bills.
Probably have to start
selling crack.
Or rapping. Or rapping
about selling crack.
You know, I might not even
have revitiligo.
[SIGHS]
Okay, I'm black.
What am I supposed to do now?
So this is it, huh?
Is this what you do all day?
Sit there
reading books
that make you think better
of yourself, huh?
Black man can't get
nowhere
with his little
pecan-sized mind.
So now you can read.
Now what?
What you gonna do now?
[SIGHS]
[LAUGHING]
Oh, uh-huh.
Nothing. That's what
I thought.
You know why?
'Cause we niggas. Both of us.
And that's--
[SOBBING]
And that's all
we ever gonna be.
That's all we ever gonna be.
So this is what
I have to look forward to
as a black man, huh?
Just sitting around,
playing PlayStation
all day.
[GROWLS]
Waiting for the next
Madden to come out.
Maybe I should go out
and put rims...
Oh.
...and all kinds of goofy
shit on my truck.
[♪♪♪]
RUCKUS:
Oh, we probably gonna die
any second now
from one of these conditions
and diseases that niggas get.
You name it:
diabetes, gout,
high blood pressure,
asthma, sickle cell--
Oh, Ruckus, stop.
This is all in your damn head.
You the exact same fool
you were last week.
You were black then,
you're black now,
and you're gonna be
black tomorrow.
Ain't nothing wrong
with being black.
If you give it a chance,
you might actually
like it. Mm-hm.
Ruckus, what are
we doing here?
Well, this is what
niggas do, right?
Buy sneakers. Then, maybe later
we'll buy loud stereos
and berate women
in rap lyrics.
Is this the kind of shit
you niggas put on your feet
nowadays?
This look like a damn
astronaut shoe.
I'm black. I'm not walking
to the moon.
I'm walking to
the liquor store.
GRANDDAD:
Ruckus, stop. Come on, man.
RUCKUS:
LeBron James. Allen Iverson.
Can I get a shoe named
after a white man, please?
Excuse me. Ahem. Darky
in the zebra shirt.
Could I get a Bruce
Jenner sneaker?
Man, to hell
with this bullshit.
You on your own.
I'm not leaving here
till I get me a shoe
named after a white man.
John Stockton. "Pistol" Pete
Maravich. Anybody.
MAN 1:
I ain't saying I like
the Democrats. I don't.
But they sure as hell don't
know what the fuck they doin'.
The Republicans? They done
fucked the country to hell.
MAN 2:
They sure did.
BARBER:
Nigga, just look at Iraq.
President over there
killing black folk.
MAN 2:
Mm-hm. They black.
Huh. I wish they'd
send me to Iraq.
I'd tell motherfucking Bush
to kiss my black ass.
Now, that's enough.
Time out, Negroes.
Time out.
I can't sit here and let y'all
badmouth my president.
Did any of y'all niggas
hear the president
when he said Iraq was central
to the global war on terror?
Or did y'all miss it because
he wasn't speaking in baboon?
[GIBBERS]
Instead of sitting around here
chopping the Brillo
off each other's
heads,
y'all should've take
your black asses to Iraq
and help fight
for our freedom.
A little more off
the sides, please.
Whoa-- Whoa-- Whoa--
Whoa...
[GROWLS]
Damn gorilla terrorists.
[♪♪♪]
Just what is going on?
Why have you kidnapped me?
And now, doctor,
we will discuss
your methods of DNA testing.
[CHUCKLES]
No. Please. No!
WEGGIE:
Shit! Why does this
always happen
when we try to use the goddamn
torture machine?!
Can somebody please
get the power back on
so we can use
the torture machine?
MAN:
I think someone forgot
to pay the bill, Weggie.
WEGGIE:
Will someone pay
the fucking bill?!
♪ The dark brown shades
Of my skin ♪
♪ All that color
To my tears ♪
[GROANS]
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ That splash against
My hollow bones ♪
[GRUMBLES]
♪ That rocks my soul ♪
[GRUNTS]
What hath God wrought?
♪ Looking back over
My false dreams ♪
[CRYING]
[MEN GUFFAWING]
MAN: Yeah, yeah. Beat his ass.
Will you niggas please
shut the hell up.
I'm trying to watch
this piece-of-shit movie.
[SIGHS]
[GROANS]
[SCREAMS, CRIES]
♪ Somebody tell me
What can I do? ♪
[GRUNTS]
Ruckus, no!
What the hell
are you guys doing?
You were gonna let him
kill hisself?
You said just
keep filming, so--
He's the star!
You're gonna let the star
commit suicide?
But it's...reality.
I mean--
It's The Uncle
Ruckus Show.
If there's no Uncle Ruckus,
there's no show.
Oh, so from now on,
we're supposed to stop him
if he attempts
to commit suicide?
Yes. And I shouldn't
have to tell you that.
[CHOKING]
You should just know it.
Oh, shit.
[GAGGING]
Great. That's great.
That's just great.
[COUGHING]
Ah, what's the point?
What's the point in living?
There's nothing to
look forward to.
Just a life of rap music
and 40 ounces.
What I'm supposed to
do now, huh?
Be somebody
baby daddy?
Hang out on the corner
all day and night
shooting dice, cops chasing me
all the time.
My body ain't made
to handle a stun gun.
Ain't got but two or three shows
on TV to identify with.
Ruckus, you make
a very compelling argument.
But I know that you're
gonna get through this.
Ha. Is this what
I'm supposed
to be reading now,
huh, this?
Vibe? The Source? Jet?
You call this
a magazine?
Look at this.
This is a pamphlet.
"Field & Scream."
National Review.
Soldier of Fortune.
Those are magazines.
This is a brochure.
Ebony. They should call
this National Geographic,
except the photos are better.
Essence. Essence of what?
Essence of ugliness.
Ruckus, we have a saying at BET:
"We hate black people."
And I know you share
that same sentiment.
But I've learned how I can
use my blackness
against the black race.
Look at BET.
You think we put
this shit on the air
because it's entertaining?
You think we
sit down and say:
"Hey, let's be
entertaining.
How about a Baldwin Hills
reality show?"
I have good taste.
Gregory Hines is entertaining.
Sammy Davis Jr.,
he's entertaining.
You think I can
relate to anything
these young niggas
have to say?
No. We air this shit because
we despise our audience.
Are there other ways
to make money?
Yes, of course.
Yes, yes, yes.
But they all require more work.
This is easy.
And the only people who suffer--
The only people
who suffer, Ruckus...
are black children.
I think we both
can live with that.
Weggie Rudlin, you sure
do have profound insights.
But I don't know. I--
I just don't think
I can stand life as a darky.
[DOOR OPENS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Aha! It's you!
You did this to me.
You gave me that test.
Yes, I know.
And I came because
there was a mistake
at the lab.
We had a black intern there
I didn't know about.
He...messed up
your test.
Here are
your actual results.
Well, I'll be.
[MURMURING]
[GASPS]
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
How dare you mistakenly inform
a man of his blackness.
You should be ashamed
to call yourself a white doctor.
I'm...uh, sorry.
See, Ruckus. You were
worried about nothing.
Well, Weggie,
I must say,
for a darky,
you are not
that difficult
to hang around.
Now, you said you learned
all that stuff in Harvard?
Well, I definitely didn't
learn it at one of those
historically
black colleges.
[LAUGHS]
[BOTH CACKLING]
Howard.
Black college.
Morehouse. They ought
to call it Lesshouse.
Oh, it sure feel good
to be white again.
[♪♪♪]
I'll tell you what.
Living even for a few days
as a black man
gave old Uncle Ruckus a whole
new perspective on life.
And a whole lot more sympathy
towards colored folks,
I'll tell you that.
Oh, look what
we have here.
Yo, for real. We not trying
to play with you today, Ruckus.
We're trying to
cross the street.
Well, go right ahead.
You young brothers
have a blessed day.
Assalamu alaikam.
[WHISTLES]
[TRUCK HORN HONKS]
Whoa--! Whoa--! Whoa!
[RUCKUS CACKLING]
[♪♪♪]