The Boondocks (2005–2014): Season 2, Episode 12 - The Story of Catcher Freeman - full transcript
Granddad and Uncle Ruckus offer conflicting accounts of a slave revolt led by Huey and Riley's ancestor. Huey reveals that the truth is much different than either of them thought.
[♪♪♪]
ANNOUNCER:
In a world of unspeakable
brutality...
freedom had a name.
And that name was Freeman.
Catcher Freeman.
This is the true story
of the man who risked
everything for justice...
and love.
Savior, soldier, killer...
[BONES CRACKING]
...hero.
And he was your great--
GRANDDAD:
Great-great-great-granddaddy.
The story
of Catcher Freeman.
RILEY:
Come on, Granddad.
I may not know nothin'
about history,
but I ain't stupid.
None of that story is true.
It is true.
Catcher Freeman was a hero.
And don't you ever forget it.
Excuse me.
[GRANDDAD SOBBING]
♪ I am the stone
The builder refused ♪
♪ I am the visual
The inspiration ♪
♪ That made lady
Sing the blues ♪
♪ I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright ♪
♪ The same spark
That lights the dark ♪
♪ So that you can know
Left from right ♪
♪ I am the ballot in your box
The bullet in the gun ♪
♪ The inner glow
That lets you know ♪
♪ To call your brother sun ♪
♪ The story that just begun ♪
♪ The promise
Of what's to come ♪
♪ And I'm 'a remain a soldier ♪
♪ Till the war is won
Won ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪
[SOUL MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Sing a song... ♪
RILEY:
That nigga lying.
And how would you know?
Granddad always making up
some shit about history.
How come everyone we related to
is somebody famous?
The first nigga to go
to the moon,
or the first nigga
to pole vault?
Tsk. Man, he made up
Catcher Freeman.
Shoot, he probably made up
this whole "slavery" thing.
What nigga you know
gonna work all day
in a hot field for no paper?
See, that's your problem.
You be believin' anything
somebody tells you
or put in a...book.
See, I keep my mental mind
extra secure. Nothing gets in.
Where you going?
Don't wanna hear the rest
of the story?
No, I don't wanna hear no more
of your made-up stories.
I told you,
Catcher Freeman was real.
That's your great-
great-great-great-granddaddy.
What about when you told us
your cousin integrated baseball?
He did.
At school they said
Jackie Robinson
integrated baseball.
That's your fourth cousin
on my uncle's side.
Jackie Robinson Freeman.
The Freeman is silent.
Now hush and pay attention.
Catcher Freeman was
the greatest black man ever.
He was Malcolm X, Nat Turner
and Barack Obama
all rolled into one.
Okay, I'm going to start this
story from the beginning.
RILEY:
Oh, man.
From the beginning?
GRANDDAD:
Shut up.
It was the plantation
of Confederate Colonel
George Lynchwater,
better known as Massa Colonel.
Probably made him up too.
Shut your ass! The slaves
were out in the fields,
singing songs of freedom.
Guys, what--?
What are you doing?
You know you're not allowed
to sing that song.
Stop it, guys, I'm serious.
Massa's on his way.
COLONEL:
Tobias, didn't I tell you
to tell these niggers
to stop singing that damn song?
Stop singing? Oh, no.
Tobias told us Massa Colonel
likes that song.
That's a lie.
Oh, no, Massa.
We field niggas
is too dumb to lie.
But, you know,
Tobias is the lighter shades,
and he got
that sharp sense of humor.
Oh, no, no, Massa Colonel,
I wasn't--
You out here telling jokes,
Tobias?
Massa Colonel, please.
Ahh! God, that stings!
I-I knows you mad,
but don't take it out
on poor Tobias.
If you beats him,
it's like you beating all of us,
but with considerably
less effort.
TOBIAS:
Shut the fuck up!
So the only nigger
I gotta beat is Tobias?
TOBIAS:
Shut the fuck up, Percy!
PERCY:
We don't like to see that.
That makes us work harder.
COLONEL:
Well, shit fire
and save matches.
Maybe I'll get to bed
early tonight.
[TOBIAS SCREAMS]
Please, when you hit him,
it make us scared and make us
all just wanna stay here.
We won't do nothings
if you keep hitting him
'cause it's a-- An example
of what not to do.
COLONEL:
Well, since you love
these field niggers so much,
you can stay out here and work
with them for a few days.
And if I hear that song again,
I'm cuttin' both your balls off.
You guys are real
fuckin' assholes, you know that?
Come on, man,
look on the bright side.
You get to hang out in the field
with the real niggas.
Ain't you sick
of the white man?
You know what I'm sick of?
You blaming the white man
for everything.
The white man this,
the white man that.
You'll never get anywhere
with that attitude.
Man, fuck that white nigga.
That's your massa.
All I'm saying is,
you stop being a victim,
you might better your life
on your own.
You ain't said nothing.
I'm gonna do that, believe it.
As soon as Catcher Freeman rides
through here with his brigade
and cuts that cracker's head
clean off, ugh, I'm out of here.
You ain't never seen no nigga
be gone like I'm gonna be gone.
You ain't seen no nigga
ride out like me.
And I'm a-join the gang.
I got a letter saying
I can join
Catcher Freeman's brigade
and ride out
with that nigga.
MAN:
Damn, you get mail, nigga?
Ha! Ha-ha! That's your plan?
Catcher Freeman, huh?
Why not just wait
for Santa Claus
to take you away
on his sled?
You don't believe
in Catcher Freeman?
[GIBBERING]
Of course I don't.
I don't believe
in the Easter Bunny either.
I'm telling you, man.
Catcher Freeman is real.
He go round from plantation
to plantation,
freeing all the slaves
and shit.
He, like, 14 feet tall,
got trapezius muscles
and biceps. Shit crazy.
He ain't just no normal nigga,
he's supernigga.
He like a black-ass Batman,
if you will.
He can fly...
underwater.
RILEY:
Heh-heh-heh.
Wait, how they know
who Batman is?
GRANDDAD:
Stop interrupting!
Ha! That's ridiculous.
I don't even know
who Batman is.
And what's your plan,
house nigga?
I bet you don't even wanna
escape, all on Massa's nuts.
Oh, I'm gonna escape all right.
I'm gonna escape with this,
okay? With my mind.
I've got this. It's a play,
but for the screen.
What screen, nigga?
We in the 1800's.
I thought of a way to display
moving pictures on a screen.
Of course, it's all abstract,
since I don't have any actual
film or cameras or anything,
but I'm gonna show Massa Colonel
my screenplay,
and when he reads it,
he's gonna know
this could be
a huge production.
Nigga, you trying to get off
the plantation
by selling a script? Ha!
Nigga, you ain't even supposed
to know how to read.
How you gonna sell
a script, asshole?
Plus, there's
a writer's strike.
Oh, yeah? Me and Thelma
are gonna marry,
have kids
and live in Massa's house.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Tell me what you think
about your ass, nigga.
GRANDDAD:
Thelma was
your great-great-great-
great-great-great-grandmother.
Now, Tobias was madly in love
with young Thelma.
Eww...
But Thelma didn't want
his old Uncle Tom ass.
Besides, she was about to meet
Catcher for the first time.
Young Thelma yearned
for her freedom,
so one night she decided
to make a run for it.
Oh, but that poor, little,
sweet girl didn't get far.
She ain't going nowhere.
We ain't gonna hurt you
too much.
MAN:
I might hurt you.
I might hurt you.
Hey, look up in the tree.
It's a bird.
Nope, it's Catcher Freeman.
Yippee! Come on.
Get him, get him. Watch it.
Watch behind you, Catcher.
Watch behind you. There you go.
RILEY:
Man, hold up, hold up.
This nigga jumping
out of trees?
Catcher Freeman was
a master swordsman.
How this nigga learn
all that ninja stuff?
They didn't even have
karate flicks back then.
Hush, boy!
It was love at first sight.
He was tall, he was handsome,
his trapezius muscles
rippled through his shirt.
All right, Granddad, dang.
You making me uncomfortable.
Catcher Freeman was
a sexy man!
And old Thelma was smitten.
Hee!
Hi, I'm Thelma.
My name's Catcher.
Catcher Freeman.
You're Catcher Freeman?
The Catcher Freeman?
You've heard of me?
Of course I've heard of you.
Who has not heard
of Catcher Freeman?
Where are you escaping from?
Oh, Colonel Lynchwater's.
I've been there for a while
and I kind of feel
like I got everything I can get
out of that organization.
I can read and write,
so hopefully that'll
look good on my résumé.
My brigade is nearby.
We're ready to kill
Colonel Lynchwater
and free all your friends
and kinfolk.
But we'll need your help.
Great, that's a relief,
'cause all my friends
about to be talking bad
about me.
Like, "Thelma done changed
since she been free.
She forgot where she came from,
she don't never come around."
You know.
Ah, Catcher was smitten too.
That night,
Thelma told the other slaves
about the plan to escape
with Catcher.
Let me get this straight.
Catcher gonna come
through here with his brigade,
cut that cracker's head
clean off,
and then we gonna be free?
MAN: Sounds good to me.
MAN 2: Hell, yeah.
Hold up, wait a minute now.
Now, I-- I know we've all
had our problems with Massa,
but, uh, this is murder.
PERCY:
Ah, man, shut your punk ass up.
The night before the revolt,
Thelma snuck away
to see Catcher one last time.
Here, take this.
You'll know what to do with it
when the time comes.
Why do you
still wear shackles?
So I'll never forget those
who are still in bondage.
Even though you'll be free soon,
you must continue
to be a soldier
until the war is won.
[♪♪♪]
[RILEY SNORING]
GRANDDAD:
But, oh, Tobias was hating
with his punk ass.
Boy, wake up!
RILEY:
Oh, is it over?
So Tobias betrayed them
because he was jealous?
Yes, but his betrayal
could not stop Catcher.
RILEY:
Man, I already know
what happened next.
First, they kick in the door,
find the gun.
Riley, stop it!
Massa gonna smack her.
Going too fast.
Let me build some suspense.
Here come Catcher
rolling up on Massa's crib.
Riley, this is the cool part.
Enjoy the story.
Wait. Let me guess.
It's a trap.
Then Catcher's gonna run in
at, like, a dozen dudes
as they reload,
and probably
should've been shot,
like, a hundred times by now.
Riley, come on, now!
Then he gonna do all that
fake-ass ninja stuff again.
Stop it!
Man, we already know
the nigga gonna win
at the end, just wrap it up.
GRANDDAD:
All right, all right!
It's over, Catcher.
Drop it, or she's dead!
I'm gettin' outta here.
Kill him, Catcher.
Do it!
[♪♪♪]
[CRUNCH]
Ahhh!
[GROWLS]
[THELMA SCREAMS]
RILEY:
Oh, the nigga blocked
the bullet with his handcuffs.
Shh. You're messing up
the ending.
This is the best part.
You'll never see this coming.
TOBIAS:
Massa!
[GROWLS]
[GRUNTS]
GRANDDAD:
And they lived happily
ever after.
Boo! That movie sucked.
Shut up!
I want my money back.
Man, that ending
was hella cliché, Granddad.
That's exactly how it happened.
Prove it.
How am I gonna prove it?
Catcher lived 150 years ago.
RUCKUS:
Did I hear somebody say
something about Catcher Freeman?
The Catcher Freeman?
See? Ruckus know
about Catcher Freeman.
Of course I know about
Catcher Freeman.
Greatest black man
who ever lived.
Did he really run around
the woods
like a superhero,
killing white people?
Hell, no. Catcher Freeman
ain't never do
no shit like that.
Must have been some asshole
told you that story, boy.
Hey.
Now sit your black asses back
and let old Uncle Ruckus
tell you the real story
of Catcher Freeman.
First of all, his name
wasn't even Catch-er Freeman,
it was Catch-a Freeman.
He sure wasn't freeing niggas.
He was catchin' 'em.
I told you you was lying.
That's not true!
Sure it is,
sure it is.
See, back in slavery,
when the world made sense,
the white man had a problem.
Niggas couldn't appreciate shit,
so they kept running away.
Now, in his strategic
brilliance,
Mr. Charlie decided
who better to catch a nigga
than a nigga.
So they took a field slave
named Catcha Freeman
and turned him into the greatest
slave hunter who ever lived.
Catcha Freeman retrieved
over 700 pieces of human
property to their respective
owners during slavery.
GRANDDAD:
Damn it, Ruckus,
you gonna stop this right now.
RILEY:
Shh! Dang, Granddad,
I'm trying to hear the story.
RUCKUS:
Ah, look at that nigga go.
Hold up.
You see that nigga
flip from tree to tree
like on some old Tarzan shit?
Wait, wait, wait.
Bring that back,
I gotta see that again.
I'll be happy to.
Ah, look at that nigga
go again.
Oh, my God,
this is crazy.
Nobody really knows
why Catcha
was so good at tracking
runaway niggas.
Some believe
he had supernatural powers.
MAN:
Good job, boy.
Give him a biscuit.
One legend said Catcha could
actually talk to the dogs.
MAN:
Good Catcha!
[DOG BARKING]
[GASPS]
Whatever his secret,
didn't matter
how fast they could run.
He bit his leg!
Man, this dude
is off the chain.
Catcha would
find 'em anywhere.
[GROWLS]
[MAN YELPS]
Ooh, that nigga caught it.
And I mean anywhere.
Look out,
look out, look out.
Oh, ho, ho, he came up
out that water like Jason.
Oh, he's so gangster.
See, to understand the story
of Catcha Freeman,
you gotta know a little
something about slavery.
Now, if you think niggas
is worthless and lazy today,
oh, Lord help me,
you should have seen them
back in slavery days.
Good old Massa Colonel
and plantation owners like him
provided darkies
all over the South
with good jobs, food,
housing.
I'm telling you,
slavery was the best thing
that ever could happen
to Negro-kind.
HUEY:
Okay, first of all,
none of that is true,
and "Don't Trust Them
New Niggas" is not a spiritual.
RUCKUS:
Hush your mouth
and learn your history.
Slaves sang that and many other
joyful songs all day.
They danced,
did arts and crafts,
crocheted,
had water balloon fights,
everything, except for work.
Hey, y'all. Massa's a-coming.
He's a-coming, y'all.
[SLAVES SINGING]
TOBIAS:
Here he comes!
Look, guys, you asked me
to take you in as slaves,
and this is how you repay me?
All you do all day
is sing and jump and eat.
Shit. You just stop.
All right, stop it!
Stop it.
Stop having so much fun!
Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Massa,
won't you do me a favor
and master these nuts
in your mouth, nigga.
Come on, y'all,
now that's enough. I've had it.
Y'all gonna get a time-out.
Everybody is in time-out
right now.
Man, you ever notice how white
people sound when they get mad?
[STUFFY VOICE]
"I've had it. Everyone's
getting a time-out."
[ALL LAUGHING]
MAN:
They do, they do. They do
sound like that, don't they?
He sounded like that.
Ha-ha-ha.
Hey, Massa, Dienda send
a message for you.
I don't know anyone
named Dienda. Dienda who?
Dienda my dick, nigga.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Now, I have put up with this
for long enough.
I'm not gonna put up with it
anymore. Get to work now!
Now, I'm-- I'm sorry I had
to speak at you so sternly,
but you brought it
on yourself.
[ALL LAUGH]
Now, stop that!
Slave masters have feelings too.
I just don't understand.
I try so hard with y'all.
[COLONEL SOBBING]
Man, I says we murder
that cracker.
I don't know.
Maybe it wouldn't kill y'all
to do a little bit of work.
What's wrongs
with you, nigga?
We got this slavery shit hooked
up just likes we like it.
And you wants to fuck it up
with work?
Now, looks,
before we kills Massa,
we gotta get
this nigga Catcha Freeman.
Even if we could escape,
Catcha come get us.
But Catcha Freeman stronger
and faster than us, Percy.
How's we gonna do that?
We'll use Thelma,
that high-yellow
mulatto jezebel hussy.
GRANDDAD:
Hey, that's my great-
great-great-great-
great-great-great-
great-grandmother.
RUCKUS:
No need to get emotional,
Robert,
I'm just reciting
the historical record.
Anyway, the great-
great-great-
great-hussy in question
was Thelma.
She was once again
showing her disrespect
for her kindly Massa
by running away.
[GROWLS]
[THELMA YELLS]
Get your hands off me!
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
[THELMA YELLING]
That night, they devised
their diabolical scheme
to kill kind, old Massa.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[♪♪♪]
THELMA:
Catcha!
Come quick to the stables!
RILEY:
Oh, no, don't go
in there, Catcha.
[DIMWITTED VOICE]
Catcha don't see nothing.
RUCKUS:
Now, Catcha had never known
the pleasures
of the flesh before,
and he was no match
for the temptations of Thelma,
who in the darkness
of night
looked even less African
than she actually was.
[CATCHA GRUNTING]
THELMA:
Oh, yes, Catcha.
Catcha and Thelma
rolled around
in a hot, sweaty,
naked embrace,
making passionate
jungle love.
GRANDDAD:
Lies! All lies!
Thelma Freeman was a saint.
Thelma was a hussy
jezebel temptress!
Now let me finish
the story.
As Catcha lay passed out,
after expending
his manly seed...
Mm?
[CACKLING]
CATCHA:
No!
Thelma trick Catcha.
...the darkies attacked!
Colonel Massa's men
fought bravely,
but they were outnumbered
and unprepared
for the savagery
of the Negro assault.
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
MAN:
Fuck you, you massa!
Oh, you ain't
getting out of here.
I bash youse head in.
MAN 2: We gonna get you.
Only one darky, Tobias,
had the decency
to try and stop
this madness.
Wait a minute, y'all.
How's we's gonna survive
without Massa?
We can't do this,
it ain't right.
[♪♪♪]
It ain't right.
Thank you, Tobias.
I want you to know, you've
always been like a son to me.
Except I would never, ever lay
with your black
jungle-bunny mama.
Oh, Massa.
Kills them both.
[SLAVES GRUNTING]
[COLONEL SCREAMING]
Having known no other woman,
Catcha married Thelma
and lived a miserable life
as a free man in Boston.
And that, colored folks,
is the real story
of Catcha Freeman.
Ruckus, I should kick in
your damn jaw for telling lies.
You high-yellow niggas
always forgetting your place.
Get the fuck out of my house,
you fat ass, motherfucker.
If you were in my house,
nigga,
I'd burn it down around
your black ass.
HUEY:
Excuse me, everyone.
I think we can resolve
this quickly.
"Catcher Tobias Lynchwater,
better known as Catcher Freeman,
"was a house slave on Colonel
Lynchwater's plantation.
"He was also
Colonel Lynchwater's son,
although the colonel
never claimed him."
GRANDDAD:
Wait? W-what? Massa's son?
Uh-uh. No, no, no,
that can't be.
HUEY:
He is believed to have written
the first screenplay,
several years
before the invention
of the motion picture industry.
Catcher fell in love
with Thelma,
but Thelma wasn't looking
for love,
she was looking
for freedom.
Boy, I can't wait to tell the
white man about how you lying.
Then, on one fateful day--
Where you going?
You smell like black jellybeans.
[GUNSHOT]
[GRUNTS]
Ah, this is bullshit.
She knew the time
for freedom had come.
THELMA:
Once we're in
the weapons shed,
we assault the house
with everything
we can get our hands on.
Okay, guys, look. Look.
I think you're all missing
a big opportunity
here with my script.
I know most of you can't read,
but I'd be happy
to read it to you.
Catcher, in one week,
we gonna kill Massa.
At least let me show it to him
before you kill him.
I worked really hard on this.
You have one week.
[♪♪♪]
[LAUGHING]
Oh, my. You know,
I-I should hang you
for being able to read
and write.
But this is one heck of a--
Of a-- Uh...
What'd you call it? A script?
Yes, sir, Massa Colonel.
You got it, a script.
First one ever made,
right here.
Well, if you're selling,
I am buying.
Oh, you are gonna be
a very rich man, son.
Untrue!
Falsehood and untrue.
Wait, Dad. There's something
I should tell you about Thelma.
Having sold his script,
Catcher promptly betrayed
Thelma's rebellion.
RILEY:
Oh, man, he sold the crew out
for a script?
Yo, that's
a bitch-ass nigga.
Oh, my goodness.
And when were they planning
such treachery?
A week from now.
Mm-hm. Three o'clock.
[GUNSHOT]
[MEN YELLING]
No, you lying black bitch!
That wasn't a week.
Forward! Come on!
MAN:
Shoot 'em, shoot 'em!
Charge!
No, Massa, no!
Gee, that bitch
can fight.
Oh, my God. Stop.
Guys, just wait. Wait!
[GRUNTS]
[YELLS]
CATCHER:
Stand still, bitch!
[GUNSHOT]
Wait, wait, wait.
He meant to shoot Thelma,
but shot Massa instead?
Now, that's an ending.
GRANDDAD:
My ending was better.
RUCKUS:
That ain't good white history.
But...the script.
That's colored man history
you talking.
HUEY:
That moment,
Catcher decided it was best
to just go
with the winning team.
Uh, die, cracker, die?
Yeah. Take that, Massa. Huh?!
Yeah. You wanna
beat up on the slaves, huh?
Well, take this to your ass,
motherfucker!
Oh, Catcher.
That's how I do it, baby.
That's how I do it.
And so was born the legend
of Catcher Freeman.
Catcher and Thelma married
and moved to Canada.
His script was never produced.
And they all lived,
more or less,
happily ever after.
[BOTH GRUMBLE]
Man, that's
some old bullshit.
Never heard such bullshit
in all my life.
RILEY:
Hey, hold up.
Where y'all going?
I ain't had a chance
to tell my story yet.
My Catcher Freeman story
better than all y'alls.
Know what I'm sayin'?
See, my Catcher Freeman
wasn't no slave.
'Cause he was like, "Fuck that
shit. I'm a real nigga."
Plus, he had like 300 ho's.
He ain't had just no Thelma.
He had all kinds of bitches,
and he drove a Bentley Coupe
with 24's on it
with machine guns
in the rims, nigga, what?
♪ Take our black asses
Out of here ♪
♪ Won't you take
Our black asses out of here? ♪
♪ Won't you come save us
Catcher? ♪
♪ And kill all these crackers ♪
♪ Lord, take our black asses
Out of here ♪
♪ Sing this motherfucker
Now ♪
♪ Won't you take
Our black asses out of here? ♪
♪ Massa, girl
You a bitch, nigga ♪
♪ Won't you take
Our black asses out of here? ♪
ANNOUNCER:
In a world of unspeakable
brutality...
freedom had a name.
And that name was Freeman.
Catcher Freeman.
This is the true story
of the man who risked
everything for justice...
and love.
Savior, soldier, killer...
[BONES CRACKING]
...hero.
And he was your great--
GRANDDAD:
Great-great-great-granddaddy.
The story
of Catcher Freeman.
RILEY:
Come on, Granddad.
I may not know nothin'
about history,
but I ain't stupid.
None of that story is true.
It is true.
Catcher Freeman was a hero.
And don't you ever forget it.
Excuse me.
[GRANDDAD SOBBING]
♪ I am the stone
The builder refused ♪
♪ I am the visual
The inspiration ♪
♪ That made lady
Sing the blues ♪
♪ I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright ♪
♪ The same spark
That lights the dark ♪
♪ So that you can know
Left from right ♪
♪ I am the ballot in your box
The bullet in the gun ♪
♪ The inner glow
That lets you know ♪
♪ To call your brother sun ♪
♪ The story that just begun ♪
♪ The promise
Of what's to come ♪
♪ And I'm 'a remain a soldier ♪
♪ Till the war is won
Won ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪
[SOUL MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Sing a song... ♪
RILEY:
That nigga lying.
And how would you know?
Granddad always making up
some shit about history.
How come everyone we related to
is somebody famous?
The first nigga to go
to the moon,
or the first nigga
to pole vault?
Tsk. Man, he made up
Catcher Freeman.
Shoot, he probably made up
this whole "slavery" thing.
What nigga you know
gonna work all day
in a hot field for no paper?
See, that's your problem.
You be believin' anything
somebody tells you
or put in a...book.
See, I keep my mental mind
extra secure. Nothing gets in.
Where you going?
Don't wanna hear the rest
of the story?
No, I don't wanna hear no more
of your made-up stories.
I told you,
Catcher Freeman was real.
That's your great-
great-great-great-granddaddy.
What about when you told us
your cousin integrated baseball?
He did.
At school they said
Jackie Robinson
integrated baseball.
That's your fourth cousin
on my uncle's side.
Jackie Robinson Freeman.
The Freeman is silent.
Now hush and pay attention.
Catcher Freeman was
the greatest black man ever.
He was Malcolm X, Nat Turner
and Barack Obama
all rolled into one.
Okay, I'm going to start this
story from the beginning.
RILEY:
Oh, man.
From the beginning?
GRANDDAD:
Shut up.
It was the plantation
of Confederate Colonel
George Lynchwater,
better known as Massa Colonel.
Probably made him up too.
Shut your ass! The slaves
were out in the fields,
singing songs of freedom.
Guys, what--?
What are you doing?
You know you're not allowed
to sing that song.
Stop it, guys, I'm serious.
Massa's on his way.
COLONEL:
Tobias, didn't I tell you
to tell these niggers
to stop singing that damn song?
Stop singing? Oh, no.
Tobias told us Massa Colonel
likes that song.
That's a lie.
Oh, no, Massa.
We field niggas
is too dumb to lie.
But, you know,
Tobias is the lighter shades,
and he got
that sharp sense of humor.
Oh, no, no, Massa Colonel,
I wasn't--
You out here telling jokes,
Tobias?
Massa Colonel, please.
Ahh! God, that stings!
I-I knows you mad,
but don't take it out
on poor Tobias.
If you beats him,
it's like you beating all of us,
but with considerably
less effort.
TOBIAS:
Shut the fuck up!
So the only nigger
I gotta beat is Tobias?
TOBIAS:
Shut the fuck up, Percy!
PERCY:
We don't like to see that.
That makes us work harder.
COLONEL:
Well, shit fire
and save matches.
Maybe I'll get to bed
early tonight.
[TOBIAS SCREAMS]
Please, when you hit him,
it make us scared and make us
all just wanna stay here.
We won't do nothings
if you keep hitting him
'cause it's a-- An example
of what not to do.
COLONEL:
Well, since you love
these field niggers so much,
you can stay out here and work
with them for a few days.
And if I hear that song again,
I'm cuttin' both your balls off.
You guys are real
fuckin' assholes, you know that?
Come on, man,
look on the bright side.
You get to hang out in the field
with the real niggas.
Ain't you sick
of the white man?
You know what I'm sick of?
You blaming the white man
for everything.
The white man this,
the white man that.
You'll never get anywhere
with that attitude.
Man, fuck that white nigga.
That's your massa.
All I'm saying is,
you stop being a victim,
you might better your life
on your own.
You ain't said nothing.
I'm gonna do that, believe it.
As soon as Catcher Freeman rides
through here with his brigade
and cuts that cracker's head
clean off, ugh, I'm out of here.
You ain't never seen no nigga
be gone like I'm gonna be gone.
You ain't seen no nigga
ride out like me.
And I'm a-join the gang.
I got a letter saying
I can join
Catcher Freeman's brigade
and ride out
with that nigga.
MAN:
Damn, you get mail, nigga?
Ha! Ha-ha! That's your plan?
Catcher Freeman, huh?
Why not just wait
for Santa Claus
to take you away
on his sled?
You don't believe
in Catcher Freeman?
[GIBBERING]
Of course I don't.
I don't believe
in the Easter Bunny either.
I'm telling you, man.
Catcher Freeman is real.
He go round from plantation
to plantation,
freeing all the slaves
and shit.
He, like, 14 feet tall,
got trapezius muscles
and biceps. Shit crazy.
He ain't just no normal nigga,
he's supernigga.
He like a black-ass Batman,
if you will.
He can fly...
underwater.
RILEY:
Heh-heh-heh.
Wait, how they know
who Batman is?
GRANDDAD:
Stop interrupting!
Ha! That's ridiculous.
I don't even know
who Batman is.
And what's your plan,
house nigga?
I bet you don't even wanna
escape, all on Massa's nuts.
Oh, I'm gonna escape all right.
I'm gonna escape with this,
okay? With my mind.
I've got this. It's a play,
but for the screen.
What screen, nigga?
We in the 1800's.
I thought of a way to display
moving pictures on a screen.
Of course, it's all abstract,
since I don't have any actual
film or cameras or anything,
but I'm gonna show Massa Colonel
my screenplay,
and when he reads it,
he's gonna know
this could be
a huge production.
Nigga, you trying to get off
the plantation
by selling a script? Ha!
Nigga, you ain't even supposed
to know how to read.
How you gonna sell
a script, asshole?
Plus, there's
a writer's strike.
Oh, yeah? Me and Thelma
are gonna marry,
have kids
and live in Massa's house.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Tell me what you think
about your ass, nigga.
GRANDDAD:
Thelma was
your great-great-great-
great-great-great-grandmother.
Now, Tobias was madly in love
with young Thelma.
Eww...
But Thelma didn't want
his old Uncle Tom ass.
Besides, she was about to meet
Catcher for the first time.
Young Thelma yearned
for her freedom,
so one night she decided
to make a run for it.
Oh, but that poor, little,
sweet girl didn't get far.
She ain't going nowhere.
We ain't gonna hurt you
too much.
MAN:
I might hurt you.
I might hurt you.
Hey, look up in the tree.
It's a bird.
Nope, it's Catcher Freeman.
Yippee! Come on.
Get him, get him. Watch it.
Watch behind you, Catcher.
Watch behind you. There you go.
RILEY:
Man, hold up, hold up.
This nigga jumping
out of trees?
Catcher Freeman was
a master swordsman.
How this nigga learn
all that ninja stuff?
They didn't even have
karate flicks back then.
Hush, boy!
It was love at first sight.
He was tall, he was handsome,
his trapezius muscles
rippled through his shirt.
All right, Granddad, dang.
You making me uncomfortable.
Catcher Freeman was
a sexy man!
And old Thelma was smitten.
Hee!
Hi, I'm Thelma.
My name's Catcher.
Catcher Freeman.
You're Catcher Freeman?
The Catcher Freeman?
You've heard of me?
Of course I've heard of you.
Who has not heard
of Catcher Freeman?
Where are you escaping from?
Oh, Colonel Lynchwater's.
I've been there for a while
and I kind of feel
like I got everything I can get
out of that organization.
I can read and write,
so hopefully that'll
look good on my résumé.
My brigade is nearby.
We're ready to kill
Colonel Lynchwater
and free all your friends
and kinfolk.
But we'll need your help.
Great, that's a relief,
'cause all my friends
about to be talking bad
about me.
Like, "Thelma done changed
since she been free.
She forgot where she came from,
she don't never come around."
You know.
Ah, Catcher was smitten too.
That night,
Thelma told the other slaves
about the plan to escape
with Catcher.
Let me get this straight.
Catcher gonna come
through here with his brigade,
cut that cracker's head
clean off,
and then we gonna be free?
MAN: Sounds good to me.
MAN 2: Hell, yeah.
Hold up, wait a minute now.
Now, I-- I know we've all
had our problems with Massa,
but, uh, this is murder.
PERCY:
Ah, man, shut your punk ass up.
The night before the revolt,
Thelma snuck away
to see Catcher one last time.
Here, take this.
You'll know what to do with it
when the time comes.
Why do you
still wear shackles?
So I'll never forget those
who are still in bondage.
Even though you'll be free soon,
you must continue
to be a soldier
until the war is won.
[♪♪♪]
[RILEY SNORING]
GRANDDAD:
But, oh, Tobias was hating
with his punk ass.
Boy, wake up!
RILEY:
Oh, is it over?
So Tobias betrayed them
because he was jealous?
Yes, but his betrayal
could not stop Catcher.
RILEY:
Man, I already know
what happened next.
First, they kick in the door,
find the gun.
Riley, stop it!
Massa gonna smack her.
Going too fast.
Let me build some suspense.
Here come Catcher
rolling up on Massa's crib.
Riley, this is the cool part.
Enjoy the story.
Wait. Let me guess.
It's a trap.
Then Catcher's gonna run in
at, like, a dozen dudes
as they reload,
and probably
should've been shot,
like, a hundred times by now.
Riley, come on, now!
Then he gonna do all that
fake-ass ninja stuff again.
Stop it!
Man, we already know
the nigga gonna win
at the end, just wrap it up.
GRANDDAD:
All right, all right!
It's over, Catcher.
Drop it, or she's dead!
I'm gettin' outta here.
Kill him, Catcher.
Do it!
[♪♪♪]
[CRUNCH]
Ahhh!
[GROWLS]
[THELMA SCREAMS]
RILEY:
Oh, the nigga blocked
the bullet with his handcuffs.
Shh. You're messing up
the ending.
This is the best part.
You'll never see this coming.
TOBIAS:
Massa!
[GROWLS]
[GRUNTS]
GRANDDAD:
And they lived happily
ever after.
Boo! That movie sucked.
Shut up!
I want my money back.
Man, that ending
was hella cliché, Granddad.
That's exactly how it happened.
Prove it.
How am I gonna prove it?
Catcher lived 150 years ago.
RUCKUS:
Did I hear somebody say
something about Catcher Freeman?
The Catcher Freeman?
See? Ruckus know
about Catcher Freeman.
Of course I know about
Catcher Freeman.
Greatest black man
who ever lived.
Did he really run around
the woods
like a superhero,
killing white people?
Hell, no. Catcher Freeman
ain't never do
no shit like that.
Must have been some asshole
told you that story, boy.
Hey.
Now sit your black asses back
and let old Uncle Ruckus
tell you the real story
of Catcher Freeman.
First of all, his name
wasn't even Catch-er Freeman,
it was Catch-a Freeman.
He sure wasn't freeing niggas.
He was catchin' 'em.
I told you you was lying.
That's not true!
Sure it is,
sure it is.
See, back in slavery,
when the world made sense,
the white man had a problem.
Niggas couldn't appreciate shit,
so they kept running away.
Now, in his strategic
brilliance,
Mr. Charlie decided
who better to catch a nigga
than a nigga.
So they took a field slave
named Catcha Freeman
and turned him into the greatest
slave hunter who ever lived.
Catcha Freeman retrieved
over 700 pieces of human
property to their respective
owners during slavery.
GRANDDAD:
Damn it, Ruckus,
you gonna stop this right now.
RILEY:
Shh! Dang, Granddad,
I'm trying to hear the story.
RUCKUS:
Ah, look at that nigga go.
Hold up.
You see that nigga
flip from tree to tree
like on some old Tarzan shit?
Wait, wait, wait.
Bring that back,
I gotta see that again.
I'll be happy to.
Ah, look at that nigga
go again.
Oh, my God,
this is crazy.
Nobody really knows
why Catcha
was so good at tracking
runaway niggas.
Some believe
he had supernatural powers.
MAN:
Good job, boy.
Give him a biscuit.
One legend said Catcha could
actually talk to the dogs.
MAN:
Good Catcha!
[DOG BARKING]
[GASPS]
Whatever his secret,
didn't matter
how fast they could run.
He bit his leg!
Man, this dude
is off the chain.
Catcha would
find 'em anywhere.
[GROWLS]
[MAN YELPS]
Ooh, that nigga caught it.
And I mean anywhere.
Look out,
look out, look out.
Oh, ho, ho, he came up
out that water like Jason.
Oh, he's so gangster.
See, to understand the story
of Catcha Freeman,
you gotta know a little
something about slavery.
Now, if you think niggas
is worthless and lazy today,
oh, Lord help me,
you should have seen them
back in slavery days.
Good old Massa Colonel
and plantation owners like him
provided darkies
all over the South
with good jobs, food,
housing.
I'm telling you,
slavery was the best thing
that ever could happen
to Negro-kind.
HUEY:
Okay, first of all,
none of that is true,
and "Don't Trust Them
New Niggas" is not a spiritual.
RUCKUS:
Hush your mouth
and learn your history.
Slaves sang that and many other
joyful songs all day.
They danced,
did arts and crafts,
crocheted,
had water balloon fights,
everything, except for work.
Hey, y'all. Massa's a-coming.
He's a-coming, y'all.
[SLAVES SINGING]
TOBIAS:
Here he comes!
Look, guys, you asked me
to take you in as slaves,
and this is how you repay me?
All you do all day
is sing and jump and eat.
Shit. You just stop.
All right, stop it!
Stop it.
Stop having so much fun!
Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Massa,
won't you do me a favor
and master these nuts
in your mouth, nigga.
Come on, y'all,
now that's enough. I've had it.
Y'all gonna get a time-out.
Everybody is in time-out
right now.
Man, you ever notice how white
people sound when they get mad?
[STUFFY VOICE]
"I've had it. Everyone's
getting a time-out."
[ALL LAUGHING]
MAN:
They do, they do. They do
sound like that, don't they?
He sounded like that.
Ha-ha-ha.
Hey, Massa, Dienda send
a message for you.
I don't know anyone
named Dienda. Dienda who?
Dienda my dick, nigga.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Now, I have put up with this
for long enough.
I'm not gonna put up with it
anymore. Get to work now!
Now, I'm-- I'm sorry I had
to speak at you so sternly,
but you brought it
on yourself.
[ALL LAUGH]
Now, stop that!
Slave masters have feelings too.
I just don't understand.
I try so hard with y'all.
[COLONEL SOBBING]
Man, I says we murder
that cracker.
I don't know.
Maybe it wouldn't kill y'all
to do a little bit of work.
What's wrongs
with you, nigga?
We got this slavery shit hooked
up just likes we like it.
And you wants to fuck it up
with work?
Now, looks,
before we kills Massa,
we gotta get
this nigga Catcha Freeman.
Even if we could escape,
Catcha come get us.
But Catcha Freeman stronger
and faster than us, Percy.
How's we gonna do that?
We'll use Thelma,
that high-yellow
mulatto jezebel hussy.
GRANDDAD:
Hey, that's my great-
great-great-great-
great-great-great-
great-grandmother.
RUCKUS:
No need to get emotional,
Robert,
I'm just reciting
the historical record.
Anyway, the great-
great-great-
great-hussy in question
was Thelma.
She was once again
showing her disrespect
for her kindly Massa
by running away.
[GROWLS]
[THELMA YELLS]
Get your hands off me!
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
[THELMA YELLING]
That night, they devised
their diabolical scheme
to kill kind, old Massa.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[♪♪♪]
THELMA:
Catcha!
Come quick to the stables!
RILEY:
Oh, no, don't go
in there, Catcha.
[DIMWITTED VOICE]
Catcha don't see nothing.
RUCKUS:
Now, Catcha had never known
the pleasures
of the flesh before,
and he was no match
for the temptations of Thelma,
who in the darkness
of night
looked even less African
than she actually was.
[CATCHA GRUNTING]
THELMA:
Oh, yes, Catcha.
Catcha and Thelma
rolled around
in a hot, sweaty,
naked embrace,
making passionate
jungle love.
GRANDDAD:
Lies! All lies!
Thelma Freeman was a saint.
Thelma was a hussy
jezebel temptress!
Now let me finish
the story.
As Catcha lay passed out,
after expending
his manly seed...
Mm?
[CACKLING]
CATCHA:
No!
Thelma trick Catcha.
...the darkies attacked!
Colonel Massa's men
fought bravely,
but they were outnumbered
and unprepared
for the savagery
of the Negro assault.
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
MAN:
Fuck you, you massa!
Oh, you ain't
getting out of here.
I bash youse head in.
MAN 2: We gonna get you.
Only one darky, Tobias,
had the decency
to try and stop
this madness.
Wait a minute, y'all.
How's we's gonna survive
without Massa?
We can't do this,
it ain't right.
[♪♪♪]
It ain't right.
Thank you, Tobias.
I want you to know, you've
always been like a son to me.
Except I would never, ever lay
with your black
jungle-bunny mama.
Oh, Massa.
Kills them both.
[SLAVES GRUNTING]
[COLONEL SCREAMING]
Having known no other woman,
Catcha married Thelma
and lived a miserable life
as a free man in Boston.
And that, colored folks,
is the real story
of Catcha Freeman.
Ruckus, I should kick in
your damn jaw for telling lies.
You high-yellow niggas
always forgetting your place.
Get the fuck out of my house,
you fat ass, motherfucker.
If you were in my house,
nigga,
I'd burn it down around
your black ass.
HUEY:
Excuse me, everyone.
I think we can resolve
this quickly.
"Catcher Tobias Lynchwater,
better known as Catcher Freeman,
"was a house slave on Colonel
Lynchwater's plantation.
"He was also
Colonel Lynchwater's son,
although the colonel
never claimed him."
GRANDDAD:
Wait? W-what? Massa's son?
Uh-uh. No, no, no,
that can't be.
HUEY:
He is believed to have written
the first screenplay,
several years
before the invention
of the motion picture industry.
Catcher fell in love
with Thelma,
but Thelma wasn't looking
for love,
she was looking
for freedom.
Boy, I can't wait to tell the
white man about how you lying.
Then, on one fateful day--
Where you going?
You smell like black jellybeans.
[GUNSHOT]
[GRUNTS]
Ah, this is bullshit.
She knew the time
for freedom had come.
THELMA:
Once we're in
the weapons shed,
we assault the house
with everything
we can get our hands on.
Okay, guys, look. Look.
I think you're all missing
a big opportunity
here with my script.
I know most of you can't read,
but I'd be happy
to read it to you.
Catcher, in one week,
we gonna kill Massa.
At least let me show it to him
before you kill him.
I worked really hard on this.
You have one week.
[♪♪♪]
[LAUGHING]
Oh, my. You know,
I-I should hang you
for being able to read
and write.
But this is one heck of a--
Of a-- Uh...
What'd you call it? A script?
Yes, sir, Massa Colonel.
You got it, a script.
First one ever made,
right here.
Well, if you're selling,
I am buying.
Oh, you are gonna be
a very rich man, son.
Untrue!
Falsehood and untrue.
Wait, Dad. There's something
I should tell you about Thelma.
Having sold his script,
Catcher promptly betrayed
Thelma's rebellion.
RILEY:
Oh, man, he sold the crew out
for a script?
Yo, that's
a bitch-ass nigga.
Oh, my goodness.
And when were they planning
such treachery?
A week from now.
Mm-hm. Three o'clock.
[GUNSHOT]
[MEN YELLING]
No, you lying black bitch!
That wasn't a week.
Forward! Come on!
MAN:
Shoot 'em, shoot 'em!
Charge!
No, Massa, no!
Gee, that bitch
can fight.
Oh, my God. Stop.
Guys, just wait. Wait!
[GRUNTS]
[YELLS]
CATCHER:
Stand still, bitch!
[GUNSHOT]
Wait, wait, wait.
He meant to shoot Thelma,
but shot Massa instead?
Now, that's an ending.
GRANDDAD:
My ending was better.
RUCKUS:
That ain't good white history.
But...the script.
That's colored man history
you talking.
HUEY:
That moment,
Catcher decided it was best
to just go
with the winning team.
Uh, die, cracker, die?
Yeah. Take that, Massa. Huh?!
Yeah. You wanna
beat up on the slaves, huh?
Well, take this to your ass,
motherfucker!
Oh, Catcher.
That's how I do it, baby.
That's how I do it.
And so was born the legend
of Catcher Freeman.
Catcher and Thelma married
and moved to Canada.
His script was never produced.
And they all lived,
more or less,
happily ever after.
[BOTH GRUMBLE]
Man, that's
some old bullshit.
Never heard such bullshit
in all my life.
RILEY:
Hey, hold up.
Where y'all going?
I ain't had a chance
to tell my story yet.
My Catcher Freeman story
better than all y'alls.
Know what I'm sayin'?
See, my Catcher Freeman
wasn't no slave.
'Cause he was like, "Fuck that
shit. I'm a real nigga."
Plus, he had like 300 ho's.
He ain't had just no Thelma.
He had all kinds of bitches,
and he drove a Bentley Coupe
with 24's on it
with machine guns
in the rims, nigga, what?
♪ Take our black asses
Out of here ♪
♪ Won't you take
Our black asses out of here? ♪
♪ Won't you come save us
Catcher? ♪
♪ And kill all these crackers ♪
♪ Lord, take our black asses
Out of here ♪
♪ Sing this motherfucker
Now ♪
♪ Won't you take
Our black asses out of here? ♪
♪ Massa, girl
You a bitch, nigga ♪
♪ Won't you take
Our black asses out of here? ♪