The Boondocks (2005–2014): Season 1, Episode 4 - Granddad's Fight - full transcript
After getting beaten up by the mean and blind Col. Stinkmeaner, a humiliated Granddad wants a rematch.
♪ I am the stone
The builder refused ♪
♪ I am the visual
The inspiration ♪
♪ That made lady
Sing the blues ♪
♪ I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright ♪
♪ The same spark
That lights the dark ♪
♪ So that you can know
Your left from your right ♪
♪ I am the ballot in your box
The bullet in the gun ♪
♪ The inner glow
That lets you know ♪
♪ To call your brother sun ♪
♪ The story that just begun ♪
♪ The promise
Of what's to come ♪
♪ And I'm a remain a soldier ♪
♪ Till the war is won ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪
[♪♪♪]
Hey!
[SLOWED VOICE]
Hey!
[VERY SLOWED VOICE]
Hey!
Watch where
you're walking, nigga.
H-hey, what you say, nigga?
HUEY [NARRATING]:
Watch closely.
You're about to experience
a "Nigga Moment."
Webster defines
the "Nigga Moment"
as a moment when ignorance
overwhelms the mind
of an otherwise logical
Negro male...
What did you say, bitch nigga?
Hey, squeeze it, nigga!
Causing him to act
in an illogical,
self-destructive manner,
i.e., like a nigga.
You want it?
Right here.
[CLICKING]
Nigga Moments are unpredictable.
Hey, wait, man. Wait.
This is stupid.
Hey, you right, dawg.
Look, let's put the guns away
and go on about our business.
[GUNS COCKING]
MAN: Freeze!
HUEY:
But they all end up bad.
If they had their own category,
Nigga Moments
would be the third leading
killer of black men
behind pork chops and FEMA.
It's a fact.
Now, let's see
how a Nigga Moment
affects a white man.
Prick.
Watch where you walkin', bitch.
What did you...?
Wait a minute.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm white.
Where you goin'?
Don't you ignore me.
This is a perfectly good moment
to throw your life away.
A big misconception
about the Nigga Moment
is that it can be avoided
by simply moving away
from niggas.
If only it were that easy.
See, niggas always got
a new trick
right around the corner.
[SCREAMING]
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKER]
[HORNS HONKING]
[MAN HUMMING]
♪ Ha-da-da-da, ha ♪
♪ Doo-dah-dah-deh-deh ♪
♪ Tuh ♪
Listen up, boys.
I'm about to sing
the "New Shoes" song.
♪ New shoes ♪
♪ New shoooooes ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
Boy, Nike makes some good shoes.
Hoo!
MAN:
♪ Ave Maria ♪
[TIRES SCREECHING]
MAN:
Oh!
[HUMMING]
GRANDDAD:
What the hell?
Hey! What's goin' on, man?
Damn!
I know there's nobody
in my space.
This is handicapped parking.
Isn't it?
GRANDDAD:
Don't do that, don't do that!
HUEY:
Yo, man, watch
where you're going.
GRANDDAD:
Stupid son of a bitch!
HUEY:
Every Nigga Moment begins
with the nigga.
Without that key element,
all you're left with is peace
and quiet.
Colonel H. Stinkmeaner is,
and always has been,
a cantankerous, ornery old man.
He spent his childhood
disagreeing with most things,
especially things
involving happiness,
unity and kindness.
Stinkmeaner got no pleasure
seeing sunsets and trees,
dolphins or rainbows.
Man, this some old bullshit.
So he didn't particularly mind
when at age 15,
he lost his sight to cancer.
At least I don't have to look
at your ugly ass no more.
The doctors gave him
three years to live.
So he dedicated
those three years
to spreading a lifetime
of misery and hatred.
You danged fool!
Nobody knows how Stinkmeaner
managed to live so long.
He believed it was his love
of hatred that kept him going.
Who in the hell parked
in my space?
That's like calling
1-800-Collect-An-Ass-Whupping.
And no, that ain't
no toll-free call, partner.
GRANDDAD:
You hit my car!
Are you blind?
Yes, I am! So?
Wait. You're blind?
Yes!
Blind!
You got a problem
with that, ni-yagga?
You could have killed somebody.
I-I'd be doing them a favor.
Getting run over by me
is as close
to an honorable death
as most of these people
are gonna get.
Some days,
I'm quite the humanitarian.
I think I hit a wheelchair
on the way over here. Heh.
Oh, look what you did
to Dorothy.
You'd better have insurance.
Ni-yagga,
you better have insurance!
Ass-whupping insurance.
And you about to pay
a deductible.
HUEY:
And just like that,
my granddad was trapped
in a Nigga Moment.
At this point, he can:
[READING]
Let's see which one he chooses.
[LAUGHS]
That's right.
I backed into your car,
ni-yagga.
What you gonna do?
What you gonna do?
RILEY:
Oh, hell nah.
Granddad, let's whup
this nigga's ass right now.
Bitch-ass, faggot-ass,
punk-ass, pussy-ass,
bitch-ass nigga.
Do you wanna do something,
bitch-ass ni-yagga?
Hold up.
[SNIFFS]
I smell new shoes.
RILEY:
Awe, man.
Oh! Not the shoes!
Fool, what you... Hey!
HUEY:
I've said it before.
Expensive sneakers
are like $150 land mines.
Step on one and boom!
A perfectly rational
black man can explode.
Yeah!
They ain't new anymore
are they, ni-yagga?
RILEY:
And that nigga's
spittin' on you.
You better hit him, Granddad.
Hit him. Hit him! Yeah!
[YELLING]
RILEY: Hit him!
Oh!
[YELLING]
GRANDDAD: Uh-oh.
Yeah!
My bad knee!
Oh, Lordy-Lordy-Lord.
RILEY: What you doing, man?
My bad knee.
RILEY:
Oh, man.
[YELLS]
MAN:
Huh?
[♪♪♪]
This fight is over.
[SURVIVOR'S "EYE OF THE TIGER"
PLAYING OVER RADIO]
♪ It's the eye of the tiger
It's the cream of the fight ♪
♪ Rising up to the challenge
Of our rival ♪
GRANDDAD:
I hate this damn song.
I can't believe you got
your ass kicked
by a blind man, Granddad.
My knee went out.
You know I got a bad knee.
Bad knee?
That nigga had bad eyes.
He couldn't see, Granddad.
He beat you like a piñata.
[LAUGHS]
Nah.
Yo, we can rent Granddad out
for Mexican birthday parties.
We can call him Señor Piñata.
[CHUCKLES]
Hola, Señor Piñata.
Stop it, boy!
Stop it.
Where's my belt?
RILEY:
Whoo. Whoo.
I must be blind too,
'cause I sure didn't see
that ass-whupping coming.
Boy.
Riley.
Yo, how bad you gotta
telegraph your punches
for a blind nigga
to see 'em coming, Granddad?
Riley, the man had
a heightened sense of hearing.
Oh, I thought Granddad had
a heightened sense of falling.
Now, that's enough.
Now, you just stop laughing
at your granddaddy.
What's wrong with you?
Granddad had "hit me"
written on his forehead
in Braille.
I said, that's enough!
Okay. What you gonna do?
Beat me?
Maybe I should get
a blindfold first.
Okay, I'm ready.
[RILEY LAUGHS]
Wait.
Maybe he gonna fall on me.
HUEY:
Riley, stop.
Granddad...
Rodney King just called,
and said...
"Damn, I thought
I got my ass whupped!"
[LAUGHS]
Ow!
[♪♪♪]
[RAEKWON'S "GUILLOTINZ
(SWORDZ)" PLAYING]
[VOICES MINGLING]
HUEY:
That night, I dreamt
of a blind swordsman.
♪ Poisonous paragraphs
Smash ya phonograph in half ♪
♪ It be the Inspector Deck
On the warpath ♪
♪ First class
Leavin' mikes with a cast ♪
♪ Causin' ruckus
Like the aftermath ♪
♪ From guns blast
Run fast ♪
♪ Here comes
The verbal assaulter ♪
♪ Rhymes runnin' wild
Like a child in a walker ♪
♪ I scored
From the inner slums abroad ♪
[YELLS]
HUEY:
He knows my every move,
yet, he cannot see.
As my mind fights to make sense
of the impossible,
he has turned my sight
into a liability.
♪ ...To electrify ♪
♪ With voltage of an eel
Truth that I'll reveal ♪
♪ Crush the amateurs
Who screamed to keep it real ♪
♪ Caesar black down
Hoodied up and fatigues ♪
HUEY:
He has no just cause
to want my life.
There is no forethought,
no logic in his actions.
This isn't just any swordsman.
This is the Blind Nigga Samurai.
What's good, nigga?
What's really good?
[GASPS]
[PANTING]
Niggas.
A Nigga Moment
isn't necessarily over
when you think it's over.
It kind of hangs around
like a unpaid bill.
MAN [OVER TV]:
And in a case of the blind
beating the dumb,
security cameras
from the Woodcrest Square mall
captured a fight
between a blind old man
and an unidentified assailant
following a parking dispute.
[GROANING]
Aw...
Man.
It's just local news.
MAN 2:
CNN has now confirmed
that it was this man,
Robert Jebediah Freeman,
who got beat up
by a slightly older,
significantly blinder gentleman.
Police aren't pressing charges
against Mr. Freeman.
They say that ass-whupping
was punishment enough.
We at CNN agree.
Granddad, I don't think
you should watch this anymore.
El residente de Woodcrest,
Robert Freeman,
tiene un nuevo apodo:
Señor Piñata.
[BOTH ANCHORS LAUGH]
MAN [ON TV]:
Oh, Patty.
[CLICKS]
Granddad,
you gotta ask yourself,
would you really be better off
if you had beaten up
a blind old man in the street?
It was a Nigga Moment, Granddad.
[RINGING]
You gotta let it go.
Maybe you're right.
You have reached
the Freeman residence.
If this is a lovely cutie-pie,
please leave a message.
Everybody else should just
hang up right now,
because I'm not interested.
[BEEPS]
RUCKUS:
Come on, Robert.
Pick up the phone.
Pick up the phone.
I know you there in hiding.
I seen you on the news
getting your black ass whupped
by that blind, old monkey.
That's why they shouldn't
let niggas go shopping.
Call me back.
Don't you walk away
from this answering machine.
[♪♪♪]
Granddad, just let it die.
I promise you,
nobody's gonna call you a punk.
RILEY:
I will.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Well, Riley will.
Granddad.
[SIGHS]
[CAR APPROACHING]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING
ON CAR RADIO]
[TIRES SCREECH]
[♪♪♪]
I can't believe Granddad went
back to fight that man.
RILEY:
Yo!
Check this out, Huey.
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
RILEY:
All right, all right.
Wait. Wait, wait.
Watch. Watch, watch.
W-watch this.
Here it comes.
Here it comes. Oh!
Eat this right here!
That song's shit.
[GROANING]
RILEY:
Hey, you ever notice
whenever someone throws a chair,
a brawl jumps off?
Aren't you worried
about Granddad?
Look, you wanna see it again?
Hey, look. Look.
L-look, look, see?
I think you don't even have
to hit nobody with a chair.
And niggas will still
start wilin' out.
[CAR DOOR SHUTS]
[DOOR OPENS]
Well, you don't look hurt.
Two weeks.
Good for you.
A rematch in two weeks.
This'll be great.
Hey, we might be able
to make some money off this.
"The Slugfest
in Woodcrest." Yeah.
[♪♪♪]
You don't understand, boy.
I have to do this.
[SIGHS]
Follow me.
I want you to see
what you're up against.
[TRADITIONAL JAPANESE MUSIC
PLAYING]
[GRUNTING]
[SCREAMS]
[GURGLING]
Holy shit.
You remember the way
he dodged your punch?
Your enemy is the Zatoichi.
The Blind Swordsman.
His ears give him
more information
than all your senses
put together.
If you underestimate him,
he will kill you.
[SCREAMING]
Ah!
You must train.
I won't fail you.
I'm not afraid.
Oh, you will be.
You will be.
[♪♪♪]
GRANDDAD:
And a one, two...
And a three...
Wa-ta!
[BATTLE CRIES]
[GROANING]
Ah. Between me
and you,
your granddad shouldn't
be too worried.
Everybody knows
niggas can't fight.
I'm sorry?
You heard me, nigga.
Niggas can't fight.
They don't possess
the strength of character
or the mental quickness
to be a great fighter.
That's why all the best
fighters in the world
have always been white men.
Jack Dempsey,
Rocky Marciano,
"Slyvester" Stallone.
And don't forget Ralph Macchio.
You name me one great
black heavyweight fighter.
Name one. Go ahead.
Try and name one.
See that?
You can't do it.
What?
What, what, what?
Oh, oh, oh. You wanna pull Ali
out your ass?
That what you thinking about?
Muhammad Ali?
Well, if that nigga's so tough,
then why he didn't
go to Vietnam?
I'll tell you why.
'Cause he was scared.
That's why.
Shoot. "No Vietnamese
ever called me nigga."
I call him a nigga eight times
before I have breakfast.
Now, what he gonna do?
Hold on, I'll make it nine.
Nigga!
[TRADITIONAL JAPANESE MUSIC
PLAYING]
I don't understand
why I'm blindfolded.
HUEY:
Because the enemy
cannot see.
But, see, the thing is,
I don't have super hearing,
so I don't get why I'm...
HUEY: Fight!
[YELLING]
Ow!
Stop!
Jean-Claude Van Damme
is the best martial artist
in the world.
He killed a man
with his butt cheek power.
Steven Seagal, David Carradine,
Chuck Norris.
Shoot. Walker, Texas Ranger?
Now, that's a karate man
right there.
[GRANDDAD SCREAMING]
[CRUNCH]
HUEY:
Word got out that my granddad
was training for a rematch,
and it quickly became
the talk of the town.
What was that?
An exhibition?
You need emotional content.
Now, try again.
Oooooh-ah-da!
Damn! That hurt.
Damn it, boy!
Hoo. Haa.
Ooh.
Everybody knows niggas
climb trees, not kick 'em.
[LAUGHS]
HUEY:
Riley had the brilliant idea
to take advance orders for
the DVD release of the fight,
and take a little action
on the side.
GRANDDAD:
Ugh! Pain.
He hired a street team
to create the necessary hype.
[♪♪♪]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
HUEY:
The fight had a huge turnout.
MAN:
Come on...
Seems like watching
niggas act stupid
was becoming America's
favorite pastime.
Hey, listen up!
I'm gonna tell y'all
one more time.
This fight ain't startin'
till I get $10 from all y'all.
Hey. You. Nah, nigga,
I didn't get yours yet.
Give me that.
That's the difference
between private Nigga Moments
and public Nigga Moments.
A private Nigga Moment
shames you.
A public Nigga Moment
shames the whole race.
Ooh, this is it.
I'm gonna kick some ass now.
Granddad, the only way to win
is not to fight.
That's right, Robert.
Nobody's gonna call you
a fruity boy
or a pansy pants
if you don't do this.
RILEY:
I will.
Right.
Well, Riley will.
MAN:
I mean, everybody's
real focused so far.
MAN 2:
Here we go.
[CROWD MURMURING]
You scared?
Yeah. You scared,
ain't ya, bitch nigga?
I can smell the bitch in ya.
[SNIFFING]
Hm, hm, mm...
Ooh, that's vintage bitch.
You must have
Alzheimer's, old man.
You already forgot
that ass-whupping?
Uh-oh. Huh-huh.
Oh, I hear ya coming.
HUEY:
And as I watched Stinkmeaner
move blindly around the ring,
I had a terrifying realization.
He wasn't a trained swordsman,
and he didn't have
super hearing.
He was a blind, old man
who had just gotten lucky.
Granddad! Wait!
No, stop!
RILEY:
Come on, Granddad.
[CROWD CHATTERING]
I'm gonna keep comin' anyway!
[YELLING]
MAN:
Damn! Kick him
in the nut.
[BATTLE CRY]
You know, we could all
be reading a book right now.
[SCREAMS]
MAN 3:
He got what
he deserved, man.
MAN:
Come on, now.
Wait a minute.
MAN 2:
Oh. Oh, my goodness.
I can't believe it.
RILEY:
Dang, Granddad!
You didn't have to kill him.
HUEY:
And so, Granddad emerged
from the Nigga Moment
victorious.
Congratulations, Robert.
I told you a nigga
that black couldn't fight.
Whew! Good goin'.
MAN 4:
Hey, that wasn't worth it, man.
I had my fingers crossed.
MAN 5:
I want my money.
MAN 6:
You owe me money, man.
Gimme my money back!
I want my money now.
Gimme my damn money, kid.
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
WOMAN:
Oh, my God, a chair!
MAN 7:
Hey, what does he think...?
MAN:
I'm mad, man!
[YELLING & GRUNTING]
Necklace.
[SIRENS WAILING]
HUEY:
As he contemplated
spending the remainder
of his natural life in prison,
Granddad never stopped
to realize
that he had gotten the respect
he so desperately wanted.
Yo, that mug killed a blind,
old man with his bare hands.
Now, that's gangsta.
Robert Jebediah Freeman?
Tom and I had gotten
the fight licensed
by the state boxing commission
at the last minute,
legally indemnifying Granddad
against Stinkmeaner's death.
But he was still pretty
shook up by the whole thing.
Colonel Stinkmeaner had
no family and no friends.
He lived a life without love
or companionship,
or even pets.
He was a horrible,
awful human being.
And in truth, the world
was better off with him dead.
Still, he was our brother.
Lord, please forgive us
for taking this man's life.
Why you say "us"?
You killed him...
Shut your ass and pray, boy.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
The builder refused ♪
♪ I am the visual
The inspiration ♪
♪ That made lady
Sing the blues ♪
♪ I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright ♪
♪ The same spark
That lights the dark ♪
♪ So that you can know
Your left from your right ♪
♪ I am the ballot in your box
The bullet in the gun ♪
♪ The inner glow
That lets you know ♪
♪ To call your brother sun ♪
♪ The story that just begun ♪
♪ The promise
Of what's to come ♪
♪ And I'm a remain a soldier ♪
♪ Till the war is won ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪
[♪♪♪]
Hey!
[SLOWED VOICE]
Hey!
[VERY SLOWED VOICE]
Hey!
Watch where
you're walking, nigga.
H-hey, what you say, nigga?
HUEY [NARRATING]:
Watch closely.
You're about to experience
a "Nigga Moment."
Webster defines
the "Nigga Moment"
as a moment when ignorance
overwhelms the mind
of an otherwise logical
Negro male...
What did you say, bitch nigga?
Hey, squeeze it, nigga!
Causing him to act
in an illogical,
self-destructive manner,
i.e., like a nigga.
You want it?
Right here.
[CLICKING]
Nigga Moments are unpredictable.
Hey, wait, man. Wait.
This is stupid.
Hey, you right, dawg.
Look, let's put the guns away
and go on about our business.
[GUNS COCKING]
MAN: Freeze!
HUEY:
But they all end up bad.
If they had their own category,
Nigga Moments
would be the third leading
killer of black men
behind pork chops and FEMA.
It's a fact.
Now, let's see
how a Nigga Moment
affects a white man.
Prick.
Watch where you walkin', bitch.
What did you...?
Wait a minute.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm white.
Where you goin'?
Don't you ignore me.
This is a perfectly good moment
to throw your life away.
A big misconception
about the Nigga Moment
is that it can be avoided
by simply moving away
from niggas.
If only it were that easy.
See, niggas always got
a new trick
right around the corner.
[SCREAMING]
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKER]
[HORNS HONKING]
[MAN HUMMING]
♪ Ha-da-da-da, ha ♪
♪ Doo-dah-dah-deh-deh ♪
♪ Tuh ♪
Listen up, boys.
I'm about to sing
the "New Shoes" song.
♪ New shoes ♪
♪ New shoooooes ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
Boy, Nike makes some good shoes.
Hoo!
MAN:
♪ Ave Maria ♪
[TIRES SCREECHING]
MAN:
Oh!
[HUMMING]
GRANDDAD:
What the hell?
Hey! What's goin' on, man?
Damn!
I know there's nobody
in my space.
This is handicapped parking.
Isn't it?
GRANDDAD:
Don't do that, don't do that!
HUEY:
Yo, man, watch
where you're going.
GRANDDAD:
Stupid son of a bitch!
HUEY:
Every Nigga Moment begins
with the nigga.
Without that key element,
all you're left with is peace
and quiet.
Colonel H. Stinkmeaner is,
and always has been,
a cantankerous, ornery old man.
He spent his childhood
disagreeing with most things,
especially things
involving happiness,
unity and kindness.
Stinkmeaner got no pleasure
seeing sunsets and trees,
dolphins or rainbows.
Man, this some old bullshit.
So he didn't particularly mind
when at age 15,
he lost his sight to cancer.
At least I don't have to look
at your ugly ass no more.
The doctors gave him
three years to live.
So he dedicated
those three years
to spreading a lifetime
of misery and hatred.
You danged fool!
Nobody knows how Stinkmeaner
managed to live so long.
He believed it was his love
of hatred that kept him going.
Who in the hell parked
in my space?
That's like calling
1-800-Collect-An-Ass-Whupping.
And no, that ain't
no toll-free call, partner.
GRANDDAD:
You hit my car!
Are you blind?
Yes, I am! So?
Wait. You're blind?
Yes!
Blind!
You got a problem
with that, ni-yagga?
You could have killed somebody.
I-I'd be doing them a favor.
Getting run over by me
is as close
to an honorable death
as most of these people
are gonna get.
Some days,
I'm quite the humanitarian.
I think I hit a wheelchair
on the way over here. Heh.
Oh, look what you did
to Dorothy.
You'd better have insurance.
Ni-yagga,
you better have insurance!
Ass-whupping insurance.
And you about to pay
a deductible.
HUEY:
And just like that,
my granddad was trapped
in a Nigga Moment.
At this point, he can:
[READING]
Let's see which one he chooses.
[LAUGHS]
That's right.
I backed into your car,
ni-yagga.
What you gonna do?
What you gonna do?
RILEY:
Oh, hell nah.
Granddad, let's whup
this nigga's ass right now.
Bitch-ass, faggot-ass,
punk-ass, pussy-ass,
bitch-ass nigga.
Do you wanna do something,
bitch-ass ni-yagga?
Hold up.
[SNIFFS]
I smell new shoes.
RILEY:
Awe, man.
Oh! Not the shoes!
Fool, what you... Hey!
HUEY:
I've said it before.
Expensive sneakers
are like $150 land mines.
Step on one and boom!
A perfectly rational
black man can explode.
Yeah!
They ain't new anymore
are they, ni-yagga?
RILEY:
And that nigga's
spittin' on you.
You better hit him, Granddad.
Hit him. Hit him! Yeah!
[YELLING]
RILEY: Hit him!
Oh!
[YELLING]
GRANDDAD: Uh-oh.
Yeah!
My bad knee!
Oh, Lordy-Lordy-Lord.
RILEY: What you doing, man?
My bad knee.
RILEY:
Oh, man.
[YELLS]
MAN:
Huh?
[♪♪♪]
This fight is over.
[SURVIVOR'S "EYE OF THE TIGER"
PLAYING OVER RADIO]
♪ It's the eye of the tiger
It's the cream of the fight ♪
♪ Rising up to the challenge
Of our rival ♪
GRANDDAD:
I hate this damn song.
I can't believe you got
your ass kicked
by a blind man, Granddad.
My knee went out.
You know I got a bad knee.
Bad knee?
That nigga had bad eyes.
He couldn't see, Granddad.
He beat you like a piñata.
[LAUGHS]
Nah.
Yo, we can rent Granddad out
for Mexican birthday parties.
We can call him Señor Piñata.
[CHUCKLES]
Hola, Señor Piñata.
Stop it, boy!
Stop it.
Where's my belt?
RILEY:
Whoo. Whoo.
I must be blind too,
'cause I sure didn't see
that ass-whupping coming.
Boy.
Riley.
Yo, how bad you gotta
telegraph your punches
for a blind nigga
to see 'em coming, Granddad?
Riley, the man had
a heightened sense of hearing.
Oh, I thought Granddad had
a heightened sense of falling.
Now, that's enough.
Now, you just stop laughing
at your granddaddy.
What's wrong with you?
Granddad had "hit me"
written on his forehead
in Braille.
I said, that's enough!
Okay. What you gonna do?
Beat me?
Maybe I should get
a blindfold first.
Okay, I'm ready.
[RILEY LAUGHS]
Wait.
Maybe he gonna fall on me.
HUEY:
Riley, stop.
Granddad...
Rodney King just called,
and said...
"Damn, I thought
I got my ass whupped!"
[LAUGHS]
Ow!
[♪♪♪]
[RAEKWON'S "GUILLOTINZ
(SWORDZ)" PLAYING]
[VOICES MINGLING]
HUEY:
That night, I dreamt
of a blind swordsman.
♪ Poisonous paragraphs
Smash ya phonograph in half ♪
♪ It be the Inspector Deck
On the warpath ♪
♪ First class
Leavin' mikes with a cast ♪
♪ Causin' ruckus
Like the aftermath ♪
♪ From guns blast
Run fast ♪
♪ Here comes
The verbal assaulter ♪
♪ Rhymes runnin' wild
Like a child in a walker ♪
♪ I scored
From the inner slums abroad ♪
[YELLS]
HUEY:
He knows my every move,
yet, he cannot see.
As my mind fights to make sense
of the impossible,
he has turned my sight
into a liability.
♪ ...To electrify ♪
♪ With voltage of an eel
Truth that I'll reveal ♪
♪ Crush the amateurs
Who screamed to keep it real ♪
♪ Caesar black down
Hoodied up and fatigues ♪
HUEY:
He has no just cause
to want my life.
There is no forethought,
no logic in his actions.
This isn't just any swordsman.
This is the Blind Nigga Samurai.
What's good, nigga?
What's really good?
[GASPS]
[PANTING]
Niggas.
A Nigga Moment
isn't necessarily over
when you think it's over.
It kind of hangs around
like a unpaid bill.
MAN [OVER TV]:
And in a case of the blind
beating the dumb,
security cameras
from the Woodcrest Square mall
captured a fight
between a blind old man
and an unidentified assailant
following a parking dispute.
[GROANING]
Aw...
Man.
It's just local news.
MAN 2:
CNN has now confirmed
that it was this man,
Robert Jebediah Freeman,
who got beat up
by a slightly older,
significantly blinder gentleman.
Police aren't pressing charges
against Mr. Freeman.
They say that ass-whupping
was punishment enough.
We at CNN agree.
Granddad, I don't think
you should watch this anymore.
El residente de Woodcrest,
Robert Freeman,
tiene un nuevo apodo:
Señor Piñata.
[BOTH ANCHORS LAUGH]
MAN [ON TV]:
Oh, Patty.
[CLICKS]
Granddad,
you gotta ask yourself,
would you really be better off
if you had beaten up
a blind old man in the street?
It was a Nigga Moment, Granddad.
[RINGING]
You gotta let it go.
Maybe you're right.
You have reached
the Freeman residence.
If this is a lovely cutie-pie,
please leave a message.
Everybody else should just
hang up right now,
because I'm not interested.
[BEEPS]
RUCKUS:
Come on, Robert.
Pick up the phone.
Pick up the phone.
I know you there in hiding.
I seen you on the news
getting your black ass whupped
by that blind, old monkey.
That's why they shouldn't
let niggas go shopping.
Call me back.
Don't you walk away
from this answering machine.
[♪♪♪]
Granddad, just let it die.
I promise you,
nobody's gonna call you a punk.
RILEY:
I will.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Well, Riley will.
Granddad.
[SIGHS]
[CAR APPROACHING]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING
ON CAR RADIO]
[TIRES SCREECH]
[♪♪♪]
I can't believe Granddad went
back to fight that man.
RILEY:
Yo!
Check this out, Huey.
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
RILEY:
All right, all right.
Wait. Wait, wait.
Watch. Watch, watch.
W-watch this.
Here it comes.
Here it comes. Oh!
Eat this right here!
That song's shit.
[GROANING]
RILEY:
Hey, you ever notice
whenever someone throws a chair,
a brawl jumps off?
Aren't you worried
about Granddad?
Look, you wanna see it again?
Hey, look. Look.
L-look, look, see?
I think you don't even have
to hit nobody with a chair.
And niggas will still
start wilin' out.
[CAR DOOR SHUTS]
[DOOR OPENS]
Well, you don't look hurt.
Two weeks.
Good for you.
A rematch in two weeks.
This'll be great.
Hey, we might be able
to make some money off this.
"The Slugfest
in Woodcrest." Yeah.
[♪♪♪]
You don't understand, boy.
I have to do this.
[SIGHS]
Follow me.
I want you to see
what you're up against.
[TRADITIONAL JAPANESE MUSIC
PLAYING]
[GRUNTING]
[SCREAMS]
[GURGLING]
Holy shit.
You remember the way
he dodged your punch?
Your enemy is the Zatoichi.
The Blind Swordsman.
His ears give him
more information
than all your senses
put together.
If you underestimate him,
he will kill you.
[SCREAMING]
Ah!
You must train.
I won't fail you.
I'm not afraid.
Oh, you will be.
You will be.
[♪♪♪]
GRANDDAD:
And a one, two...
And a three...
Wa-ta!
[BATTLE CRIES]
[GROANING]
Ah. Between me
and you,
your granddad shouldn't
be too worried.
Everybody knows
niggas can't fight.
I'm sorry?
You heard me, nigga.
Niggas can't fight.
They don't possess
the strength of character
or the mental quickness
to be a great fighter.
That's why all the best
fighters in the world
have always been white men.
Jack Dempsey,
Rocky Marciano,
"Slyvester" Stallone.
And don't forget Ralph Macchio.
You name me one great
black heavyweight fighter.
Name one. Go ahead.
Try and name one.
See that?
You can't do it.
What?
What, what, what?
Oh, oh, oh. You wanna pull Ali
out your ass?
That what you thinking about?
Muhammad Ali?
Well, if that nigga's so tough,
then why he didn't
go to Vietnam?
I'll tell you why.
'Cause he was scared.
That's why.
Shoot. "No Vietnamese
ever called me nigga."
I call him a nigga eight times
before I have breakfast.
Now, what he gonna do?
Hold on, I'll make it nine.
Nigga!
[TRADITIONAL JAPANESE MUSIC
PLAYING]
I don't understand
why I'm blindfolded.
HUEY:
Because the enemy
cannot see.
But, see, the thing is,
I don't have super hearing,
so I don't get why I'm...
HUEY: Fight!
[YELLING]
Ow!
Stop!
Jean-Claude Van Damme
is the best martial artist
in the world.
He killed a man
with his butt cheek power.
Steven Seagal, David Carradine,
Chuck Norris.
Shoot. Walker, Texas Ranger?
Now, that's a karate man
right there.
[GRANDDAD SCREAMING]
[CRUNCH]
HUEY:
Word got out that my granddad
was training for a rematch,
and it quickly became
the talk of the town.
What was that?
An exhibition?
You need emotional content.
Now, try again.
Oooooh-ah-da!
Damn! That hurt.
Damn it, boy!
Hoo. Haa.
Ooh.
Everybody knows niggas
climb trees, not kick 'em.
[LAUGHS]
HUEY:
Riley had the brilliant idea
to take advance orders for
the DVD release of the fight,
and take a little action
on the side.
GRANDDAD:
Ugh! Pain.
He hired a street team
to create the necessary hype.
[♪♪♪]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
HUEY:
The fight had a huge turnout.
MAN:
Come on...
Seems like watching
niggas act stupid
was becoming America's
favorite pastime.
Hey, listen up!
I'm gonna tell y'all
one more time.
This fight ain't startin'
till I get $10 from all y'all.
Hey. You. Nah, nigga,
I didn't get yours yet.
Give me that.
That's the difference
between private Nigga Moments
and public Nigga Moments.
A private Nigga Moment
shames you.
A public Nigga Moment
shames the whole race.
Ooh, this is it.
I'm gonna kick some ass now.
Granddad, the only way to win
is not to fight.
That's right, Robert.
Nobody's gonna call you
a fruity boy
or a pansy pants
if you don't do this.
RILEY:
I will.
Right.
Well, Riley will.
MAN:
I mean, everybody's
real focused so far.
MAN 2:
Here we go.
[CROWD MURMURING]
You scared?
Yeah. You scared,
ain't ya, bitch nigga?
I can smell the bitch in ya.
[SNIFFING]
Hm, hm, mm...
Ooh, that's vintage bitch.
You must have
Alzheimer's, old man.
You already forgot
that ass-whupping?
Uh-oh. Huh-huh.
Oh, I hear ya coming.
HUEY:
And as I watched Stinkmeaner
move blindly around the ring,
I had a terrifying realization.
He wasn't a trained swordsman,
and he didn't have
super hearing.
He was a blind, old man
who had just gotten lucky.
Granddad! Wait!
No, stop!
RILEY:
Come on, Granddad.
[CROWD CHATTERING]
I'm gonna keep comin' anyway!
[YELLING]
MAN:
Damn! Kick him
in the nut.
[BATTLE CRY]
You know, we could all
be reading a book right now.
[SCREAMS]
MAN 3:
He got what
he deserved, man.
MAN:
Come on, now.
Wait a minute.
MAN 2:
Oh. Oh, my goodness.
I can't believe it.
RILEY:
Dang, Granddad!
You didn't have to kill him.
HUEY:
And so, Granddad emerged
from the Nigga Moment
victorious.
Congratulations, Robert.
I told you a nigga
that black couldn't fight.
Whew! Good goin'.
MAN 4:
Hey, that wasn't worth it, man.
I had my fingers crossed.
MAN 5:
I want my money.
MAN 6:
You owe me money, man.
Gimme my money back!
I want my money now.
Gimme my damn money, kid.
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
WOMAN:
Oh, my God, a chair!
MAN 7:
Hey, what does he think...?
MAN:
I'm mad, man!
[YELLING & GRUNTING]
Necklace.
[SIRENS WAILING]
HUEY:
As he contemplated
spending the remainder
of his natural life in prison,
Granddad never stopped
to realize
that he had gotten the respect
he so desperately wanted.
Yo, that mug killed a blind,
old man with his bare hands.
Now, that's gangsta.
Robert Jebediah Freeman?
Tom and I had gotten
the fight licensed
by the state boxing commission
at the last minute,
legally indemnifying Granddad
against Stinkmeaner's death.
But he was still pretty
shook up by the whole thing.
Colonel Stinkmeaner had
no family and no friends.
He lived a life without love
or companionship,
or even pets.
He was a horrible,
awful human being.
And in truth, the world
was better off with him dead.
Still, he was our brother.
Lord, please forgive us
for taking this man's life.
Why you say "us"?
You killed him...
Shut your ass and pray, boy.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]