The Black Adder (1982–1983): Season 1, Episode 5 - Witchsmeller Pursuivant - full transcript

What about this plague?
Rumours say it's worse than ever.

Now we've found out about the rats,
we'll never have plague again.

They say that a rat a day
keeps the plague away.

- No more plague in our lifetime.
- I hope you're right.

- Edmund, I'm glad I've caught you.
- Doing what?

I'm afraid Father's
feeling a bit under the weather.

Oh, dear. Any idea what?

Not sure. I think it's Black Death,

but I am sure he'd appreciate
a little visit from you.

Well, I'm sure
I can pop my head around the door.

Sort of nowish.



Mother, would you like to...?

No, dear. He won't let me near him.

Oh.

Slaaay!

How is he?

Well, he's up.

We face today the gravest crisis
this country has known

- since the Roman invasion!

The King has stirred
and calls for you.

Ah. Very well...

Gentlemen! I must leave you.

Prince Edmund is in charge!

Shame!

Ah, yes. Ah, right.



Er, gentlemen, right.
Well, as you know...

"Today we face the gravest crisis
this country has known

- "since the Roman invasion."
- Rubbish!

What about the Viking invasion?

- Norman?
- Swiss?

Well, the greatest crisis
for some time.

- And we all know why!
- Why?

- Because the King is possessed!
- What?

True. The land is full
of omens of bewitchment!

In Cornwall, a man with four heads
was seen taking tea on the beach!

And two women in Windsor
claim to have been raped by a fish!

I, too, have heard such tales.

- In Harrogate it rained phlegm.
- Eugh!

In Edinburgh, the graves did open

and the ghosts
of our ancestors rose up

and competed in athletic sports.

A friend of mine had this awful
pimple on the inside of his nose!

- Percy, shut up.
- Witchcraft!

And a farmer in Rye heard a cow
reciting Geoffrey Chaucer,

and a young woman in Shropshire
saw Geoffrey Chaucer in a field,

mooing and suckling a young heifer!

Gentlemen, gentlemen!
Surely, we don't believe in this.

Next you'll be telling me

that washing your hair in bats'
droppings stops you going bald!

But it's true! I couldn't find
enough bats and look what happened.

I move that we do
the only thing we can do

to remove this curse
from the kingdom.

Ah, that sounds like the answer!

Send for
the Witchsmeller Pursuivant.

Aye!

Now, wait! Wait! Wait!

- Percy! Percy!
- What?

What the devil
do you think you're doing?

I just can't take the pressure
of all these omens any more!

Percy...

No! Only this morning I saw a horse
with two heads and two bodies!

Two horses
standing next to each other?

Yes, I suppose it could have been.

I bet you think that sticking
your finger up a sheep's bottom

- on Good Friday makes you fertile!
- Rubbish!

- Precisely!
- It's Easter Monday.

Yes... Remind me
not to shake your hand

during the religious festival.

I don't believe it. Who is this
Witchsmeller Pursuivant, anyway?

I don't know,
but Mistress Scott would.

The old crone with the cat!

The cat! Lovely!
But she lives in the village!

- So?
- Everyone's dying of the plague!

Yes, that's
what the peasants claim.

Any excuse to get off a day's work!

Well, obviously
there are some genuine cases.

- Good mornin', Prince Edmund.
- Morning, peasant.

- Good morning, Prince Edmund.
- Morning, peasant.

- Morning, Prince Edmund.
- Morning, peasant.

- Shouldn't you disguise yourself?
- Hmm?

We don't want someone
with a grudge infecting you.

Ah, yes, you're right.

- Morning, stranger.
- Morning, friend.

- Morning, stranger.
- Morning, friends!

Who is that dark stranger?

Oh, that'll be Prince Edmund.

This way, My Lord.

Yes.

Bring out your deeeeaaad!

- You! Where's Mistress Scott?
- You've just passed her.

What?

Oh, my God!

And what's that?

The, er, cat, My Lord.

Does anyone know what happened?

No! I don't!

Me neither. I was on the other side
of town when we burned her.

Ssh!

You burned her? Why?

- I don't know.
- It was because she was a witch!

You burned Mistress Scott
for being a witch? Why?

I can't say. It's a secret.

- A secret? Do you know who I am?
- A stranger.

Oh, yes. That's right.

- Well, tell me anyway.
- No, no, we can't.

Here's why. If you'd been
part of a secret committee

to invite
the Witchsmeller Pursuivant,

and he'd already burnt four of your
friends, would you tell everyone?

No, I suppose I wouldn't.

So... So is it the Witchsmeller
Pursuivant who burnt her?

- He's guessed.
- He's clever.

They don't call him Clever Jake
for nothing, you know.

Well, they don't
call me Clever Jake.

Oh, I see.

So, what does this
witchsmeller man look like?

No one knows, My Lord. No one.

He is a master of disguise
who appears only at night.

- That's right. Innit?
- I believe so.

Ah, right.

So he won't be around now.
Let me tell you something.

If this witchsmeller
burnt Mistress Scott...

- And her pussy cat.
- Be quiet!

..then something's wrong
with his nose, and I should know.

They don't call me
Clever Pete for nothing.

- Jake, My Lord.
- What about him?

- Clever Jake.
- Where?

- You are Clever Jake.
- Oh, yes.

They don't call me
Clever Pete at all.

They call me Clever Jake,

and if I were you and I'd asked
the witchsmeller into town,

I'd kick the big-nosed bully
out again!

What do you say?

I think it's worth
serious consideration.

Exactly.

Take Clever Tom's advice

and send him back
to the madhouse he came from...

Put those down, Percy.

Come. Mistress Scott is obviously
in no state to help us today.

I have two functions -
to protect the good...

and to crush the evil.

Watch!

Fascinating!

Absolutely fascinating!

Um...actually you have crushed
both eggs, you know?

Some that seem good
sometimes proveth to be evil.

My Lords, the Duke of Edinburgh.

Ah, Edmund! Come in!
The witchsmeller's arrived!

Oh! Old Big Nose is back, is he?

Oh...hello.

I'm delighted to meet you.
I'm one of your greatest admirers.

"Old Big Nose is back"?

Yes, old Big Nose is back.
He's in an terrible state.

I was talking to him just now.

He's a great admirer
of yours as well.

- Who's this?
- Old Big Nose.

In fact, I've been hearing
about your work in Taunton.

Imagine that!

Every person there having
an affair with the same duck.

The Duck of Taunton
was a tragic circumstance.

I hear you very kindly burnt
our Mistress S-Scott for us.

Oh, yes...and her pussy cat.

Ah, b-but have you found
the chief witch yet?

I fear I may be very close.

Oh! Get the kindling ready.
Make sure that stake is well done!

Witchsmeller,

if you do happen to come across
someone who's a bit witchy,

how do you prove him guilty?

- By trial or by ordeal.
- Ah, ordeal by water?

- By axe.
- Oh?

The suspected witch
has his head placed upon a block

and an axe aimed at it.

If guilty, the axe will bounce off
his neck, so we burn him.

If not guilty,
it'll slice his head off!

What a very fair test that is.

Would you like to attempt
a less violent test yourself,

by way of demon-stration?

How much less violent?

I place before the suspect
a dagger and a crucifix.

- Interesting!
- The suspect is blindfolded.

If he picks up the dagger,
he is Satan's bedfellow.

Yes! At least take yourself
out of the running!

I haven't seen your broomstick
recently, Your Highness!

- I'm not so sure about all this.
- Oh.

You will all notice how
it has suddenly become much darker.

- Choose!
- There we are!

How the devil did that happen?

This is the source of evil
in your kingdom.

This is your witch!
Lucifer's brother!

Hebleebablub! Burn the witch!

I'm not sure
I caught the first part.

- Try him.
- If that's what you recommend.

Henry, you can't let him do this.

- He's highly thought of!
- He's a quack.

- What did you say?
- Quack, quack, quack!

You see, My Lord, how the Duck
of Taunton lives within him?

Yes, I'm afraid so!
Let him be tried tomorrow.

B-But th-this...!

Lords and ladies of England,
this court's summoned to adjudge

the most heinous
of all crimes - witchcraft!

All the more heinous
as the accused is a prince.

Step forward, Edmund,
Duke of Edinburgh.

- Look at his hair!
- His hair proves it.

Who will defend the accused...

and thus condemn himself
to certain burning at the stake?

Lord Percy will defend
His Royal Highness.

Oh, yes, me. Yes. Hello!

Witch!

- Witch! Witch!
- What?

His hair proves it!

Will you force us to listen to
a man who may be a witch himself?

You're absolutely right.

That concludes the defence case.
Thank you, Lord Percy.

Begin!

Prince Edmund,
are you a Christian?

Yes, of course.

Can you say the Lord's Prayer?

I could say it backwards!

Confession!

Edmund, I believe
you have a pussy cat.

Yes.

- Oh! It's name is Bubbles?
- Right.

Or to give it its full name -
Beelzebubbles!

Do you deny that you were seen

on the feast
of Saint Jacob the Turgid

speaking to little Bubbles?

- Of course I deny it!
- A-Ah!

But the chambermaid, Mary,
heard you say,

"Hello, Bubbles.
Would you like some milk?"

- Well, I might have said that.
- Ah!

- Ah!
- What did you mean by it?

I meant "Would the cat
like some milk?"

- Milk?
- I meant milk, bloody milk!

Bloody milk!
A mixture of milk and blood!

- No, no, just milk.
- The blood was to come later!

There wasn't any blood!

So you had to make do with milk!

My Lord, you have
a horse called Black Satin?

Yes.

Do you confess
that on the 13th day of Norristide

you said to this horse,
and I quote,

"Satin, would you like
some carrots?"

I might have done.
He likes carrots.

Carrots?

Ye-es, carrots.

Ladies and gentlemen, we all know

that carrots are
the devil's favourite food!

No, no, we don't. No, we don't.

If the devil likes carrots, why
isn't it mentioned in the Bible?

Why doesn't it say,

"A-And he took the Lord up
to the top of an high mountain

"and offered him a carrot"?

Why isn't "Thou shalt not eat
carrots" in the Ten Commandments?

It is!
In the appendix to the Apocrypha -

"And the Lord said
unto the children,

"'Neither shalt thou eat
the fruit of the tree

"'that is known
as the carrot tree.'"

Carrots don't grow on trees.

Oh, really? How did you
get to know so much about carrots?

- Witch!
- Oh!

My Lord, I call my first witness!

Now, Satin, just relax,
you're amongst friends. Good.

Now, tell me in your own words,
did you, Satin,

on certain nights last Garethstide,

indulge, albeit I accept,
in all innocence,

- in frenzied...
- Oh!

- ..naked and obscene...
- O-Oh!

..satanic orgies with your master,

known to you
as the Great Grumbledook?

- What?
- Silence, Grumbledook!

Satin, you're not replying.
He's not replying.

Are we to assume
this horse has something to hide?

Either that or he can't talk.

A likely story.

Black Satin,
known in the hierarchy of evil

as Black Satin the Loquacious!

Are you the servant of Satan?

Was that a yea or a nay?

It was a "nay", My Lord,
but I don't believe a word of it.

He may think he can fool us, but
we have ways of making him talk!

Well, I suppose this is what comes
of being a witch.

I'm not a witch!

Edmund, you always were
a bit of a fibber.

Mother, I beg of you, use
whatever power you have to help me.

I haven't had any power for years.

No, b-but Father's sick!
You must do something, otherwise...

- Otherwise what?
- Well, otherwise I'll be burnt!

- Oh, yes. This would be a pity.
- Oh, thanks!

I'll see if I can
sort out something.

My Lord, I had an idea
how to get out of this.

Yes?

Send for the greatest lawyers
in the land and they could save you.

Brilliant! Contact them at once.

I've already done it, My Lord!

Oh, Percy,
thank you! A-Are those the letters?

Um...yes!

- Well, read them.
- Um...er...very well.

This is from
Robert Wyatt in Somerset.

"What you ask
is against reason and God."

"I spit on you and your master

"and look forward to passing water

"over both your graves
as you lay dead."

- What does that one say?
- It's from John Watts.

Stinker Watts!

"Dear Percy, I remember yourself
and Prince Edmund at school,

"and so was interested
by your letter..."

Yes?

"May you both die horribly.
Yours, John Watts."

Oh, no! I'm doomed!

Wait a moment, My Lord! I have
a cunning plan that cannot fail.

- What is it?
- Well...

My wife would like
you to come for dinner tonight.

- No, thanks.
- Why not?

Well, the food tastes like manure

and I find you both very boring.

Oh, fair enough.
How about next Thursday, then?

Um...yeah, that's lovely, yeah.
About half eight?

Yeah. Be there.

Brilliant!
Well done, Baldrick. Very cunning.

You may capture the eagle,
but you cannot clip its wings.

Anyway, how's that eagle of yours?

Oh, fine. Mind you, I had
a bit of trouble to start with,

but now I've clipped its wings,
no problem.

Tomorrow I shall not be so meek.

My Lord, unhappily the horse,
Blessed Satin the Confessor,

that was to have been
a witness today...

- Yes?
- ..cannot be with us.

- Oh, dear.
- However, before he died...

You bastard!

..he did make
this signed confession.

I'll read it.
"I, Black Satin, confess

"that my former master, Edmund,
is the servant of Satan..."

O-O-Oh.

"..and I spoke to him
on the matter frequently..."

Oo-ooh!

"..over a gallon...a gallon...
a gallon of stable boy's blood"!

Dear Lord...this tragic,
horrid, nasty

and most evil case
draws to an end.

I call my last witness!

Oh, yes, and what is it? A cow?

A talkative badger?

An easily bribed ant?

- I call...Jane Firkettle!
- Hooray!

Can you see that man there?

- Which?
- That's him.

'Course I recognise him!

She's seen me on a coin.

Have you or have you not committed
sins of the flesh with him?

- I have.
- You must be joking!

- To my deepest shame.
- And mine! Look at her.

Can you describe these foul deeds?

After we had just kissed once,
he transformed into a wild animal.

- Perhaps I do remember you.
- Anything else?

Yes, My Lord. Three months later,
I was great with child.

For God's sake.

- You bore him a son?
- I did. My little Johnny.

Can you see this son of Satan
anywhere in this court?

Yes, that's him!

I give you...John Grumbledook!

The hair gives him away!

He doesn't look
the slightest bit like me!

My Lord, you have
three proofs of witchcraft.

A cat that drinks blood,

a horse that talks,

and a man...who propagates poodles!

These men must burn!

Burn! Burn! Burn!

Silence for the Prince of Wales!

The verdict is that the accused
are found guilty of witchcraft.

The maximum penalty the law allows
is that you be burned to death.

However, in view
of your previous good background,

I am disposed to be lenient.

Therefore,
I sentence you to be burned alive!

Do you have anything to say?

- Yes, I'd like to say something.
- Shut up!

And you, Grumbledook?

Yes!

Now!

Brilliant, Baldrick.
How you did that, I'll never know!

In...here!

You Turkish pigs!

- Percy.
- Sorry.

Look, you two,
you wouldn't perhaps consider,

for a pretty hefty reward,
perhaps letting us...

Escape?

- By dressing up as...
- ..washerwomen?

- And carrying us out in...
- ..three large laundry baskets?

No, obviously not.

Here comes the wife.

- Hello, Edmund.
- Hello, dear.

You look funny!

Yes, I've had all my hair cut off.

Oh, yes, that's it.

Look, there's no news
of a reprieve, is there?

No. Everyone's looking forward
to it. Hello, boys.

Morning, Your Highness.

I have to go to my room,
but in fact...

Yes?

I think I might get
a better view from the window.

Oh, great.

Well, I'd better be going.

Oh, yes, and your mummy
asked me to give you this.

Great! What is it?

A knife? A file?
A small bucket of water?

- No, silly, it's a dolly!
- So it is. So it is.

Great, great.
It's just what we needed.

- Goodbye, Edmund.
- Goodbye, dear.

Mother?

Yes? Oh, bye-bye, dear.

This must be one of the most
difficult parts of the job.

Yes.

- And for the witch as well.
- Of course.

My Lord, I have a cunning plan.

Oh, cough off, Baldrick!

I think I might
be able to stall him.

Grumbledook, your time has come!
Do you wish to confess?

- No.
- Very well.

Sorry. Sorry, yes.
Yes, I do, in fact.

Confession!

I should like to confess
in front of God

and this rather small crowd

that I have occasionally
done things wrong.

- Be more specific.
- Um...well...

I have erred and strayed
like a lost ox.

- Sheep!
- Er...sheep.

I have coveted
my father's adultery.

- Get on with it!
- I-I have not...

not honoured my neighbour's ass.

- Oh, light the fires!
- I'm a witch!

Me, too!

Burn! Burn! Burn!

Oh, damn!

I'm not even comfortable.

Argh!

How fast this heat travels!

Yes, it is a touch warm, isn't it?

I feel...as if I am...on fi-i-ire!

I know. I'm rather regretting
my choice of undergarments as well.

I'm burning! I'm burning!

I'm burning!

Yes, but I bet you're
glad of that cloak in the winter.

Good Lord!

A-A-Argh!

A-Argh!

Oh! Well done, Baldrick.

Yes, that was a close shave.

Thank you, Baldrick.

Morning, my love!

Ah, morning, dear.

- Morning, Princess.
- Good morning.

What's going on out there?

Uncle Harry was going
to burn Edmund alive...

Darling? Tch, tch, tch.

- It's all sorted out now.
- Oh, good, good.

# The sound of hoofbeats
cross the glade

# Good folk,
lock up your son and daughter

# Beware the deadly flashing blade

# Unless you want to end up shorter

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# He rides a pitch-black steed

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# He's very bad indeed

# Black his gloves of finest mole

# Black his codpiece made of metal

# His horse is blacker than a vole

# His pot is blacker
than his kettle

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# With many a cunning plan

# Black Adder, Black Adder

# You horrid little man! #

I said he shouldn't
have burnt that cat.